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Another adult child query


Granny_Weatherwax
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We have not established a particular chronological age.

 

My daughter graduated from college at 16, then moved back home for a couple of years. She used that time to get additional training in her field, work and sock away savings. By the time she was 19, she had enough of a nest egg to finance her move to NYC and support herself for a few months until she found a job there. She pays her rent and food and transportation and most other day-to-day expenses. Since she moved, we have kept her on our health insurance (which I don't think actually costs us more because we are already on a family plan), paid for her airfare to visit us a couple of times a year, kept her on our cell phone plan and covered some additional health care expenses. Mostly, she covers normal co-pays, but we help out with a few larger bills. She is now 22. She values her independence very highly and is looking forward to being entirely self-sufficient. So, I expect that she will gradually take over those expenses within a couple of years. 

 

Our somewhat fuzzy thinking on this is that we would have expected to support her 100% until she graduated from college, even if she had gone at a more typical age. So, we have no desire to punish her for going to school early. The reality is that, by being so determinged to "adult" early, she has saved us a ton of money. We don't mind providing a safety net for things like medical expenses for a little while longer.

 

My son is closing in on 19. He is in college and living at home. He, too, plans to move to NYC at some point after graduation, and we are doing what we can to encourage and support his savings goals. So, we have committed to covering his basic living and educational expenses until he graduates, allowing him to stash most of what he earns in the bank. "Basic" does not include purchasing him a vehicle or covering his car insurance, but does include food, shelter, clothing, health insurance, college tuition/fees/books, cell phone (which we consider a safety thing for him and a convenience thing for us) and other miscellaneous "normal" things. We do have my old car sitting in the driveway, which we have offered to sell to him at a highly discounted price once he is ready to take on the day-to-day costs of driving and to pay half of the cost of his insurance. In the meantime, we provide transportation to school and work, as long as he is willing to work around our schedules.

 

His situation is somewhat more complicated, in that he has been in a what seems to be a fairly serious relationship for more than a year. He and his girlfriend have been planning to move in together this summer, so we've been having a lot of conversations about what that means in terms of financial arrangements. We have said we will continue to cover tuition and other expenses directly related to school, to keep him on our medical insurance and cell phone plan and to pay half the cost of his car insurance. However, if he chooses to move out, he will need to take on the costs associated with that choice.

 

Just this weekend, we approached him with the offer to have his girlfriend move in here with us. We have a four bedroom house, which is far more space than we need for just my husband and myself. We are currently negotiating details, but it looks like they will pay us rent equal to about half of what it would cost them to rent an apartment and will get two of the bedrooms to themselves, plus use of all of the kitchen and other common areas. At that point, we will treat this as though he had moved out and transition to expecting him/them to cover all of their day-to-day expenses beyond his school, health insurance and cell phone stuff. The idea is to let them get some practice "adulting" while still providing a safety net in case of catastrophe (and keeping their expenses low enough to allow them to continue saving).

 

He's got two more years of school, and his girlfriend has three. Assuming they stick to the current plan, he will work part-time until his graduation, then full time for that last year until she completes her degree, after which they will relocate. He'll be 22, and we expect that they will be self-supporting by that point, although, as with his big sister, we would have no problem continuing to assist with things like health insurance a bit longer, if necessary.

 

Edited to add:

 

I should mention, probably, that "college" in my comments above assumes an undergrad degree. While we would love to help out more, the truth is that we are stretched paying off loans we took to cover our daughter's B.A. and handling our son's current school expenses. Both of our kids know that we will go to the ends of the earth to see them through to a bachelor's, but they will need to handle their own funding if they decide to continue beyond that point. Our daughter already paid out of pocket for a two-year acting studio program and is currently researching possibilities for grad school. She completely understands that, unless the money fairy unexpectedly drops an enormous amount of buckage in our laps, she needs to figure out how to finance that herself.

Edited by Jenny in Florida
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Here's a scenario (not real, it's hypothetical):

 

You have a YA college graduate working a minimum wage job. You pay the health insurance premium so the YA is covered. YA goes to the doctor and receives the EOB and the bill for the co-pay or uncovered portion. Do you expect the YA to send you the EOB and the bill? Do you expect the YA to just pay the bill? Does the YA call and say "Can you send me $50.00 to cover my co-pay?" without you ever seeing the EOB or the bill?

 

For the moment, we have made it clear to our daughter that we are -- barring unforeseen financial disasters of our own -- always happy to help out with health care. Nonetheless, she usually tries hard to cover as much as she can on her own. When she does need help with an unexpected medical expense, she lets us know. For a couple of ongoing expenses, she has, with our approval, asked to have bills sent directly to us. For occasional or one-time things, she usually just lets us know how much she needs and we transfer the money so she can pay the bill.

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Our adult child is on our insurance. We don't pay a higher premium to have him on it, so no, we don't expect him to pay. He does pay for his portion of the car insurance. He lives here, no rent. Pays for food if he wants something I didn't buy. When he is fully employed with benefits, I'll stop helping with the insurance. I'll do whatever I have to as far as keeping him insured. He will have a very hard time due to pre-existing conditions getting coverage on his own.

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Thing is, he's *seeking* independence, so I have a better feeling about it than if he were just settling in and making a cozier nest here at home.  THAT would tick me off.  

 

I think that's a big part of why I'm not stressed about my kids, too.

 

In my husband's family, we have the spectres of a couple of adults who just never launched. So, I am hyper aware of that potential, and we have talked with our kids (gently) a number of times over the years about wanting them to be happy, healthy, independent adults. They know we are here to help as long as we are able and that help is encouraging them to move towards that goal, but at the first hint that either of them was losing momentum, we'd be having some serious conversations and re-evaluating the expectations.

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I don't pay my kids tuition, but I will pay their expenses as long as they are in college, working and paying off their loans. I will pay for their housing if they live in my home.  I can pay ds's insurance, phone, medical, and household bills for less than $600.  If he lived on his own it would cost more than twice that.  I figure that his tuition payments go twice as far that way and I still get to see him every day.  He bought his own car and pays for his spending money. 

Edited by Tap
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Ok, so 'required' was bad wording. If you do keep your child on your insurance do you pay the premium? Do you ask the child to help pay?

Our insurance costs the same no matter how many eligible dependents. I would be inclined to pay for their insurance as long as I could provided they needed it but at least at this juncture for us, additional dependents don't add to the price.

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I have 3 adult children and I haven't paid any insurance, college, health expenses, rent, or other living expenses past 19 or 20. I have continued to pay for my 21 year old's cell phone because it's connected to ours and he hasn't had a steady income until recently. Now he's deploying overseas and we're just shutting off his phone, so I won't be paying anything for any of my adult children. It seems the age that young adults are expected to act like adults keeps getting higher and higher. Giving occasional help is one thing, but I expect my adult children to act like adults.

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About them taking trips and such - I'm not sure that would bug me.  Myself, I never flew on a commercial airplane until grad school, so yeah, I thought that was a huge luxury.  However, I have traveled a lot with my kids and don't consider it a waste of money.  I don't think I'd begrudge them a bit of travel during their college years, just because I was paying some of their other expenses.  That said, it's probably a good idea to revisit the support structure periodically.  When people I support are spending more on fun stuff than I feel able to spend, that does seem off.

 

My kid sister was the enterprising type.  She was continuously employed beginning at age 15.  During her high school years, she used to use her earnings to buy gemstone rings.  I thought, more power to her.  In 10th grade, she traveled to Europe with her Model UN team, which had earned an invitation by winning competitions in the US.  The cost was shared by parents and the community.  More power to them.  In college, she moved out and paid rent etc. younger than I had.  In her case, more discretionary spending / travel didn't make her a slacker.

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I could see keeping an adult child on my insurance if it didn't cost me extra, but certainly not paying the copays of a working adult. I might would help out with unexpected high expenses (surgery, accident, etc) but not run of the mill things like PCP visits or glasses. I probably wouldn't keep them on mine if they had affordable coverage through their job.

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My adult children are on my health insurance. We have insurance through work and do not contribute to the premiums. They pay their own co-pays.

 

They are on our car insurance and cell phone plan but they reimburse us for all the costs. My 18yo ds no longer lives at home and pays all his our expenses except for school which we pay. 21yo ds lives at home so eats with us, does not pay rent, and we pay for school.

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And about the chils that never launches, I will say that in some intances there can be an upside. Dh's cousin, two years older, never ever manages to adult too well. It seemed kind of beyond him. Hia parents had a terrible marriage but stayed together which actually did him more harm than good. But he had always worked part time, and he does a lot of amazing volunteer work. Additionally, uncle is now glad that his son never quite left the nest because numerous times he has helped his father through surgeries, household emergencies, family emergencies. He has always been there for his dad, and to be honest, the situation is pretty bad and cousin's sister should be paying her brother a salary for all the horror he deals with managing with such patience and grace. She has been entirely off the hook because he never launched.

 

20 years ago I might not have held thus opinion and continued to see him as immature and mooching. But now when his elderly father cannot take care of the verbally abusive mom whom cousin cares for with due dilligence and mercy, it is kind of a sight to behold and a blessing to his father and sister.

 

He is literally doing his "calling" and when mum and dad are gone, though he is likely to be sixty, he still plans on working in a nursing home because his heart is with geriatric care. If the only position he can get is volunteer, no one should look down on him because it is not financially viable. I just hope the will is written in such a way that after all he has done and endured, he is left a proper inheritance, something his nasty mother would love to deny.

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I just noticed the question about travel and I guess it's relevant for us.  Dd graduated college in May and hasn't completely "launched" but she is taking a trip to Europe in February for two weeks.  We actually encouraged her to go.  She doesn't currently have a job but has enough money in the bank to fund the trip and pay her bills for at least 6 months with nothing coming in, and retail jobs (which she doesn't want but will accept while she continues looking for better) are easy to get around here.

 

We encouraged her because:

1)  it's easier to travel when you are young and don't have a mortgage/rent, kids, etc.

2)  two of her friends are going for a few months and she'll be there with them

3) one of those friends has family in the UK that they will be staying with for the first week

4) they have friends and family that they will be staying with the second week in France

5) tickets were surprisingly cheap

 

Her only expenses will be her tickets, food, and her passport.  This is not an opportunity that will come up again anytime soon, and she has never been out of the US except one trip to Canada when she was like 6.

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Here's a scenario (not real, it's hypothetical):

 

You have a YA college graduate working a minimum wage job. You pay the health insurance premium so the YA is covered. YA goes to the doctor and receives the EOB and the bill for the co-pay or uncovered portion. Do you expect the YA to send you the EOB and the bill? Do you expect the YA to just pay the bill? Does the YA call and say "Can you send me $50.00 to cover my co-pay?" without you ever seeing the EOB or the bill?

I expect them to pay it. However if they had very high expenses that month and I could I would help them out. In my father's family culture people pay their own way as soon as they can ( though my mother did pay my car insurance while I was at university because the car was in her name - I paid everything else). I hope to be able to help my kids more - at least no rent while they live at home.

 

Eta. In the US where health insurance is such a big cost I would keep them on my insurance as long as I could if I could afford it.

Edited by kiwik
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There is not a right or wrong way of doing things in regards to our young adults. Each family culture is different. Families that do more for their young adults are not causing their kids to not act like adults. Just different family cultures. Get tired of the implication that I help with insurance and some other things that it means my adult son isn't acting like an adult. HE DOES NOT ASK for the help but he certainly appreciates not having to be in debt in his mid-20's. And he appreciates not having to stress about whether or not he can get buy the meds he needs.

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I agree that young people living "at home" can be a benefit.  I have a 50-year-old friend who has always lived with her parents.  They bought a house together and shared expenses, which was helpful as the parents' income went down.  She was there for her dad when her mom died.  Now she's able to help with things a person in his late 70s+ would have trouble with.  Meanwhile she's always had company and a cushion when she was laid off from her previously very stable job.  I don't remember anyone criticizing this family, because the arrangement always seemed to make sense.

 

It is a source of comfort to my family that three of my siblings could come to my parents' aid at the drop of a hat due to living within a few miles of them.  It especially helps that one of these (who got a lot of support from the folks over the years) is a nurse practitioner.  He once said he would move in with the folks to help them if the need arose.  Think how much easier that would be on everyone involved (with the possible exception of my brother!).

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Depends on the family I guess.

 

We will keep our kids on our insurance until 26.  It is the same cost for one kid as it is for 3, so we will just keep paying.

 

I figure we will pay for most things up until they have a career/viable income.

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My parents started gradually weaning us off their support when we were young teens. They started with money for entertainment (things like going out with friends, camps, gifts we wanted to give to friends and family, fun extras we wanted). We were expected to use money we received as gifts or earned babysitting, mowing lawns, paper routes, or whatever other work we could scrounge up to pay for these non-essentials. When we got a little older and wanted to drive we had to pay our own gas and insurance. We purchased our own cars. We were all driving by 18 and most of us had our own cars by then too. We could get a cell phone whenever we could pay for it. We figured out getting jobs - or making them for ourselves - to pay for these things. As we started working, the responsibility for purchasing our own clothes and toiletries gradually became our responsibility. When we graduated from high school or turned 18 we bacame responsible for paying for extra curricular activities like music lessons or sports and also further education like tech school, certifications, and college classes. We all found ways to pay for these things through jobs, scholarships, or volunteer work. When we got married we were taken off our parent's health insurance. We paid copays or bills our selves after age 18. By the time we moved out and/or got married we paid everything ourselves.

 

Having said that, my parents also helped us out sometimes. We'd have cash show up on our dresser if we were low on funds. Dad would ask to use our car and return it with a full tank of gas. My brother has a full scholarship for school but if he's not getting many hours at work mom and dad will cover fees. My parents still help us married kids out when they can. For example, They gave my brother cash when his family had to make an unexpected trip and they paid for half of my violin repair a couple of years ago.

 

My DH's parents were the same way and I imagine we'll do the same with our kids. We expected to take on adult responsibilities as we got older and the necessity encouraged us to find ways to make it happen. We still needed help sometimes though and were grateful for our parent's help - but we never expected it.

 

ETA: In spite of the fact that we supported ourselves in a lot of ways, we all have very little debt. Between the 8 of us kids there are no student loans, no car loans, very little cc debt (and I think I heard they'd paid it off), and one paid off house. I'm the oldest at 34 and the youngest is 18 and 5 of us are fully "launched" meaning married/out of our parent's house. I didn't want to leave the impression that we all must have loads of debt due to limited financial help during our young adult years.

Edited by 2ndgenhomeschooler
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I agree that this varies hugely with family culture, family finances, family personalities . . .

 

In my family of origin as well as dh's family of origin, our parents were comfortable financially and supported their kids fully through undergrad and then helped to a smaller degree during grad school. The adult kids lived frugally, worked summers from high school onwards, worked during school months to varying degrees (none to half time) during college and a bit more during grad school. None of us expected support after undergrad but appreciated the partial supports that were given. By the time we graduated college, we'd taken full responsibility for our financial lives, and appreciated whatever partial helps our parents offered. If we needed/wanted help as young adults, we asked for it humbly and appreciated offers of help. Post-college help was often in the form of direct parent-to-child loans or co-signing loans. 

 

All the adult "kids" were appreciative, humble, hard working, diligent, and responsible. . .

 

As parents, we expect to do the same for our kids -- full support through undergrad and partial support as needed and as we are able after college. In my mind, we have a duty to our kids to get them through undergrad w/o loans (as our parents did for us), as long as they are cooperative, diligent, and respectful of both our finances and our contributions (i.e., not wasteful and being respectful of our financial limits). I don't feel a duty to support them post-undergrad, but we would be very happy to help them however we are able should they benefit from our continued help. Our financial limits for post-college support will be determined at that time, depending on how frugal they are during undergrad (i.e., taking spots at schools that offer them large merit awards and then using them wisely) and how our investments/businesses do meanwhile. We have certain things we expect to be able to offer them, but we don't feel obligated to do so should circumstances change. . . whereas we do feel obligated to get them through undergrad debt-free, as that feels like a pay-it-forward obligation that we took on when we accepted help from our own parents. 

 

What each family does is up to them . . . But in the typical American household, the way our economy is set up . . . I do feel that parents have an obligation to help their kids attain a college education (or a comparable career-track training program of some sort) in order to help the child be able to support themselves and their families -- before flinging them out the door and washing their hands of the responsibility for the kid. I do NOT think parents should go into debt for their kids' educations . . . but I do think parents should do all they are reasonably able to do to help their kids get enough education and/or training so they can get a decent job . . . I do think it's fair for a parent to work extra (say a non working spouse take a job) to help pay for college years . . . I'd have done that if needed . . . 

 

In all cases, I think responsible parents should ease their kids toward self-sufficiency over a period of months-to-years . . . not decades, lol. Parents should help enable their kids to manage money, pay bills, etc, independently . . . 

 

I do find that giving my young adult kids set amounts of $$ instead of simply covering all bills makes for LESS total $$ spent as well as a better training ground for the young adults. . .  So, I've transitioned to giving a budget of $xxxxx for the 9 month school year for college girl . . . with all the incoming and outgoing $ values in a spread sheet, which calculates monthly budgets for utilities/food/gas/etc. . . So, college girl gets $x from us and $y from other sources and must manage it to cover all the expenses . . . We reviewed the budget every so often and adjusted it as needed . . . this has been a HUGE help and gives me much more confidence that college girl will be able to responsibly manage her own earnings . . . which came just in time since she's accepted a well-paying co-op position and will get FT earnings this summer and then for a couple more semesters over the next 2 years . . . Now that she's SEEN how much mom and dad $$ it takes to cover her living expenses . . . She can SEE ahead of time, that those big pay checks will actually need to mostly go to her living expenses . . . and not to purchase frivolous things . . . I am pretty sure that her just SEEING the $$ spent for her living expenses (even though dh and I were underwriting it 100% beyond scholarships) . . . has been invaluable financial training for her for her future. 

 

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Thanks for the replies and the conversation.

 

This is something I don't feel comfortable discussing with people IRL because it is personal and dependent on numerous factors. It goes to show that parenting doesn't really stop when a child reaches a particular age. The tough decisions continue long after little league, scouts, organized play dates, and college applications.

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Our older girls are 25 and 23 and we have gradually stopped paying for things over the years - I think we may still have them on our cell phone plan, but that's it now. They are both still on our health insurance but it doesn't cost us any more $$, as it is a family plan. They do cover their own co-pays - I think it is only $10. per visit and not too much on prescriptions.

 

Our oldest is getting married in February and then she will move to her new husband's plan through his job - she turns 26 in April. She could get insurance through her full-time job but her fiance's plan is better.

 

Our next daughter chose not to take insurance through her full-time job as she will be covered through our policy for a few more years. She earns a little more this way. If that changes/when she hits 26, she knows that she will be responsible for her own insurance. She is a worker and a saver and I expect that she'll be prepared for whatever happens.

 

They both earn well over minimum-wage.

 

Our younger two are 18 and 16 and I think that we will gradually wean them off of Dad lol, just like we did with the older ones. Our 18yo has some issues and I expect that she will take a little longer to launch.

 

If there is an emergency I know that we will help them...but it is hard to say how much we will be able to give. It will depend on if I go back to work, my husband's retirement plans, etc. I can see helping with medical emergencies. I can't see raising my grandchildren so my children can work, unless there is a really serious situation.

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While they are in college, we help more. We still don't pay everything; they have jobs and pay things like gas, part of their car insurance, etc. Once they are no longer in college, they are responsible for paying all their bills. That isn't to say we don't help (for instance, if either of the ones that still live at home have to go to the doctor, we will likely pay the doctor bill if the deductible hadn't been met because we know they are still trying to build up a savings and get on their feet).

 

As far as health insurance, our 2 single ones are still on ours, and we pay that premium, but only because it's the same whether dh covers just me or covers us all. We would likely help pay for that anyway, just because it comes out of dh's check, and has since we've been married, so we really don't notice it.

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