Help me answer the "How old is your dc question?"

[MamaSprout]

Usually we slide by with just saying a grade, and most people take it at face value. Dc looks a little older, even though she's small-ish, and very articulate, so she passes.

 

But what do you do when a new kid, who is older, has similar interests but hasn't met dd, asks point blank how old kiddo is? I don't want to fib, but dd really isn't her chronological age.  I've flubbed this a couple times, so I thought I'd ask for input. :o)

[purpleowl]

Not a situation I've had to deal with, but would something like "DD is [age], but she has friends [of all ages / who tend to be a little older / whatever else fits here]" work?

Edited December 9, 2016 by purpleowl

[Arcadia]

My kids answer for themselves since kindergarten so unless someone ask me directly, there is no need for me to answer.

 

If my kid does not reply and I reply on his behalf, I get a rude stare most of the time even though there was a line for registration and I don't think the ones behind wanted to wait until my kid was willing to answer. I had an adult staff tell me off for answering with a "Can't he talk? Doesn't he know how old he is?"

 

My DS12 can pass for a few years older but no one has cared when he look like a 9th grader and was 11 years old. Strangers were asking which high school he was in and just said my husband must be tall when he said he was 11.

[IsabelC]

Not a situation I've had to deal with, but would something like "DD is [age], but she has friends [of all ages / who tend to be a little older / whatever else fits here]" work?

That.

 

Or, "she is [age], but she sure knows a lot about [relevant special interest] and has friends of all ages who are into that."

[MamaSprout]

Oddly, this is by email (long story), so I kind of have to answer rather than letting her do it.

 

Dd has lost some friends because they aged out of things at the end of last year, and we don't get too many new not-homeschooling-for-religous reasons folks in our neck of the woods. :o)

Edited December 9, 2016 by elladarcy

[ReadingMama1214]

We have the opposite issue. Dd looks young and at 5, she's barely over 30lbs. People always act like she's a really young child prodigy. As if she is a 2 year old who is reading.

 

But, she answers her age for herself and has since 2 or so.

[IsabelC]

We have the opposite issue. Dd looks young and at 5, she's barely over 30lbs. People always act like she's a really young child prodigy. As if she is a 2 year old who is reading.

 

But, she answers her age for herself and has since 2 or so.

We have the opposite problem, as in my 8yo is very good at things for her age, but because she is so tall, people assume that she's 10 or 12, and aren't impressed! I'd love to have a tiny child so that people would be in awe LOL

Edited December 9, 2016 by IsabelC

[MeaganS]

We have the opposite problem, as in my 8yo is very good at things for her age, but because she is so tall, people assume that she's 10 or 12, and aren't impressed! I'd love to have a tiny child so that people would be in awe LOL

My special needs dd8 is small for her age, and I'm really grateful for it. People tend to be more patient and think she's sweet. If she was a large boy with the same problems, I have no doubt people would be less forgiving. That was my brother. It isn't fair, but true.

[SKL]

I would answer "she is x years old" with x being her chronological age.

 

I would not go on about how smart or big she is for her age etc. etc.  People can make that determination for themselves.

[Dmmetler]

By age, if asked directly. But I've found if not asked directly, confirmation bias takes care of that. Which, admittedly, can be a little problematic-DD once had a 18 yr old classmate try to set up a date between DD and her 14 yr old brother, with the statement "he's a little young, but I think you'd like him. He's really smart!". DD was 11 at the time, and looked it.

[HomeAgain]

I would answer "she is x years old" with x being her chronological age.

 

I would not go on about how smart or big she is for her age etc. etc.  People can make that determination for themselves.

 

Yep, this.  Some kids don't want wide age spans in their friend groups.  That's okay.  You have to let it be okay, just like you have to be okay if your kid doesn't want to do things with kids their age.

[SilverMoon]

By their actual age. Depending on the situation I might add that she grade skipped and really is the appropriate grade for the activity.

[ReadingMama1214]

I would answer "she is x years old" with x being her chronological age.

 

I would not go on about how smart or big she is for her age etc. etc. People can make that determination for themselves.

I would also not give an answer based on intelligence. My answer would also be based on actual chronological age.

[Tanaqui]

Whenever I'm stuck with a question I don't want to answer, for some reason all that comes to mind is sarcasm:

 

"I have no idea. Honestly, pregnancy really ate my brain for a while, and by the time I dezombified she was already walking, talking, and doing algebra."

 

"A little older than her teeth."

 

"Let's see... five time seven... carry the three... um...."

 

Then, once you've considered and discarded blatant and unnecessary snark... I think you pretty much have to answer honestly, even if you really don't want to or think it's going to have an unfortunate effect. Sorry.

[IsabelC]

You can also look at it from the perspective of, 'do I really want a person who will reject somebody, based on nothing but their age, as a friend for my child?'   
There are plenty of people who are open to all-age friendship, so really if a kid doesn't want anything to do with your daughter because she is  'too young', it's their loss!

[mathnerd]

 I think you pretty much have to answer honestly, even if you really don't want to or think it's going to have an unfortunate effect. Sorry.

I agree with this. Because there is no other answer to give a person who directly asks you and when you cannot give them a rude or flippant answer to divert their question. It is going to come up again sooner or later, so why not team them upfront?

[zaichiki]

We have the opposite problem, as in my 8yo is very good at things for her age, but because she is so tall, people assume that she's 10 or 12, and aren't impressed! I'd love to have a tiny child so that people would be in awe LOL

I have 4 tall-for-their-ages kids and I think all four of them are advanced in several ways... so I have experienced it, too.  HOWEVER I think it is a gift.  

 

Why? Because people assumed they were several years older and didn't fawn over them.  It was wonderful for them to develop without getting a taste for the external validation/praise. Once a kid has that, it's hard to keep it from going to their heads. As kids get older, the ones who are used to the praise tend to keep wanting it and getting it becomes a goal for them... they worry about losing it... 

 

When kids are younger, they tend to assume their peers are the kids who are similarly-sized. My 4'4" six-year-old girl automatically gravitated towards kids who were older (same height) and therefore working at similar levels/doing similar things.

 

It's not like they always stuck out as different/advanced/special, YKWIM? They could just be themselves! A gift!

 

The most advanced of my kids have developed quiet confidence, not seeking attention... And I don't have to deal with any divas!

 

***Sometimes being a tall child IS a cross to bear... when people have unrealistic expectations... like the time my just-turned-one-year-old was standing around by my legs at the park and another mom insisted I *allow* him some room to go play with the other kids (all 3+ year olds running around the  playground equipment).  I was a new mom at the time, though, and didn't realize that my kid's actual age-peers were the ones sitting in the strollers nearby sucking on crackers. I actually wondered why my kid wasn't running around with the others his size (3T) and questioned whether my parenting approach had made my child too shy. (smh)

 

There's also the time my 4 yr old dd was in a music class with 5-7 year olds... the teacher expected her to sit quietly when it wasn't her turn, just like the 6-7 year olds, which she *did* do with a couple of reminders... BUT I found out later that the kids sitting in their mothers' laps to wait their turn were *all the other 4 AND 5 year olds.*   Dd WAS sitting quietly, but she had also been scolded a couple of times for wiggliness... Looking back, SO UNFAIR. She didn't deserve a scolding, but *praise* for sitting better than expected for her age!  I should have known enough to SPEAK UP.

[Jackie]

I have 4 tall-for-their-ages kids and I think all four of them are advanced in several ways... so I have experienced it, too. HOWEVER I think it is a gift.

 

Why? Because people assumed they were several years older and didn't fawn over them. It was wonderful for them to develop without getting a taste for the external validation/praise. Once a kid has that, it's hard to keep it from going to their heads. As kids get older, the ones who are used to the praise tend to keep wanting it and getting it becomes a goal for them... they worry about losing it...

I am (mostly quietly) jealous. My DD is small for her age. When her precocity was evident early, I had so many parents watch her in public spaces and say "HOW old is she?" and looking terrified that their kid is behind when I gave an age. During that time, I often rounded her age up -- "nearly two!" at 18 months. It immediately caused a wedge.

 

It's still sometimes an initial issue. Kids think she is younger than she is and won't engage with her until they see something to spark their interest.

[MamaSprout]

I would answer "she is x years old" with x being her chronological age.

 

I would not go on about how smart or big she is for her age etc. etc.  People can make that determination for themselves.

 

Yeah, that's what I used to do and it doesn't always work, especially when it determines if the kids will meet at all. It's a little unusual of a situation, which is why I asked for a little BTDT.

 

I answered, it went well. We shall see.

[MamaSprout]

Whenever I'm stuck with a question I don't want to answer, for some reason all that comes to mind is sarcasm:

 

"I have no idea. Honestly, pregnancy really ate my brain for a while, and by the time I dezombified she was already walking, talking, and doing algebra."

 

"A little older than her teeth."

 

"Let's see... five time seven... carry the three... um...."

 

Then, once you've considered and discarded blatant and unnecessary snark... I think you pretty much have to answer honestly, even if you really don't want to or think it's going to have an unfortunate effect. Sorry.

 

I had no intention of not answering honestly.

[MamaSprout]

By age, if asked directly. But I've found if not asked directly, confirmation bias takes care of that. Which, admittedly, can be a little problematic-DD once had a 18 yr old classmate try to set up a date between DD and her 14 yr old brother, with the statement "he's a little young, but I think you'd like him. He's really smart!". DD was 11 at the time, and looked it.

 

Oy! That's funny. Dd was the youngest in a music camp last summer, but nobody noticed until four days or so in. Here best friend at the camp was quite a bit older, and it was fine. Musicians are pretty accepting, though.

 

We have this sort of "whose on first" type routine when someone asks her grade. People usually laugh, but still have no idea what grade she's in.

[MamaSprout]

I am (mostly quietly) jealous. My DD is small for her age. When her precocity was evident early, I had so many parents watch her in public spaces and say "HOW old is she?" and looking terrified that their kid is behind when I gave an age. During that time, I often rounded her age up -- "nearly two!" at 18 months. It immediately caused a wedge.

 

It's still sometimes an initial issue. Kids think she is younger than she is and won't engage with her until they see something to spark their interest.

 

This, especially about the wedge.

Edited December 13, 2016 by elladarcy

[SKL]

How old is she and how old is this desirable friend?

 

My kids' friends range widely in age.  They enjoy friends who are currently 4 grades below or above them.  I've never heard my kids say another kid was too young to be friends.  They just adjust as appropriate for specific differences in maturity / ability.

 

Since you said they haven't met yet, and the desired meeting relates to a common interest, you might say "she is __, but she has been into [common interest] for __ years now, so I think you will find plenty of common ground."

[zaichiki]

I am (mostly quietly) jealous. My DD is small for her age. When her precocity was evident early, I had so many parents watch her in public spaces and say "HOW old is she?" and looking terrified that their kid is behind when I gave an age. During that time, I often rounded her age up -- "nearly two!" at 18 months. It immediately caused a wedge.

The wedge. When other parents KNOW my kids' ages, I've had similar experiences, so I understand. One time my then-6-yr-old ds brought The Hobbit to a homeschool gathering of Capture the Flag.  Instead of playing (with the 8-16 year olds), he chose to sit under a picnic table reading his book.  The. whole. time.  The other mothers sitting together at that picnic table had passive-aggressive insult/compliments to share. I was then grilled and summarily dismissed. (I sat quietly and listened to bragging about how advanced their kids were in various areas -- one brilliant kid was even multiplying in his head... at 12.) It was so "lovely." That was the last day I sat at the table with the other moms.  In future weeks I went walking.

 

Anyway, just one more reason it's usually a gift when my kids' ages are not immediately apparent!

[shawthorne44]

I am (mostly quietly) jealous. My DD is small for her age. When her precocity was evident early, I had so many parents watch her in public spaces and say "HOW old is she?" and looking terrified that their kid is behind when I gave an age. During that time, I often rounded her age up -- "nearly two!" at 18 months. It immediately caused a wedge.

 

It's still sometimes an initial issue. Kids think she is younger than she is and won't engage with her until they see something to spark their interest.

 

I found that our biggest problem was with Tiger Moms.  When a toddler/small child, DD would gravitate to the Asian kids because they were the same size/development level.   I would see the mom's mouth do that thing that said, "I need to crack down on my kid" because having a younger Caucasian kid be developmentally at or more advanced was just shameful.  So, I found myself feeling sorry for their kid and volunteering DD's age with stressing the almost age.  

 

It was a huge problem in swimming.   She started baby swimming at 9 months, so she always hitting the age limits before the skill limits.  Then when the age limits were 5-whatever.  We got HUGE resistance to putting her at her right level because of her size.  They actually said, "We can't put her in the same class as 8-year-olds".   

[Dmmetler]

DD says the best answer is the Phineas and Ferb one

 

"How old are you?"

 

(Give present age)

 

"Aren't you a little young to X (attend a conference, be on a research team, go to college)?" Or "you must be really smart"

 

Yes, yes I am!

 

According to her, just like in the TV show, it cuts them off at the pass to be so direct. Having said that, she also likes it when she meets people who know her by reputation (usually from her online stuff)-because they do a double take when they realize she is as young as she is-and then seem to accept her from there without issue. The same thing seems to be happening at the CC-where there's surprise at how young she is, but immediate acceptance that she belongs.

[zaichiki]

It was a huge problem in swimming.   She started baby swimming at 9 months, so she always hitting the age limits before the skill limits.  Then when the age limits were 5-whatever.  We got HUGE resistance to putting her at her right level because of her size.  They actually said, "We can't put her in the same class as 8-year-olds".   

My younger ds was a slower/older swimmer.  Last fall, as a tall 10 y.o.,  he was in a level 3 class (level 4 is ready for swim team) with younger kids... There were three little boys in there who were 3 and 4 years old (and small for their age).  Fabulous little swimmers! It worked out just fine. It CAN be done! (but looks awful funny from the parents' bleachers on the other side of the pool...LOL!)

[JennSnow]

For the 4 year old I say, "He's 4."

For the 14 year old I say, "He's 14."

Edited January 4, 2017 by JennSnow

[shawthorne44]

My younger ds was a slower/older swimmer.  Last fall, as a tall 10 y.o.,  he was in a level 3 class (level 4 is ready for swim team) with younger kids... There were three little boys in there who were 3 and 4 years old (and small for their age).  Fabulous little swimmers! It worked out just fine. It CAN be done! (but looks awful funny from the parents' bleachers on the other side of the pool...LOL!)

 

Oh, I know.   When pushed she'd actually said it was because the older kids would feel bad.  

[Ravin]

Usually we slide by with just saying a grade, and most people take it at face value. Dc looks a little older, even though she's small-ish, and very articulate, so she passes.

 

But what do you do when a new kid, who is older, has similar interests but hasn't met dd, asks point blank how old kiddo is? I don't want to fib, but dd really isn't her chronological age.  I've flubbed this a couple times, so I thought I'd ask for input. :o)

 

I would deflect. "Does it matter?" "Why do you care?" "Why do you want to know that?" etc.

[zaichiki]

Oh, I know.   When pushed she'd actually said it was because the older kids would feel bad.  

Our experience was that the older kids (older than 3 and 4) were 6-9 (and then my 10 y.o.) and they all thought the younger boys were adorable. They didn't have any issues.  I think the adults project. If the kids aren't encouraged to "feel bad," it's my experience that they just don't think that way.

[MASHomeschooler]

Our experience was that the older kids (older than 3 and 4) were 6-9 (and then my 10 y.o.) and they all thought the younger boys were adorable. They didn't have any issues.  I think the adults project. If the kids aren't encouraged to "feel bad," it's my experience that they just don't think that way.

 

I think that depends on the kid. I didn't really have swim lessons until late, and I was super embarrassed to be with the little kids, to the point I didn't really try because I didn't want to try and do worse than the little kids, and so never learned to swim well. I see now it was ridiculous to feel that way, especially considering none of the other participants were anyone I knew or would ever see again, but at the time I was very aware. Maybe there's also a cutoff point. I think I was about twelve when I'm remembering, and it's possible that up to ten or so I wouldn't have cared, at least not as much? (I had had a few sporadic lessons before that, but don't really remember them, so even possible I did have a similar experience younger and didn't care much about the age differences.)

[Dmmetler]

I do think it becomes more of an issue around adolescence. DD has a hard time now when there are much younger kids in her tumbling class than she did when she was 8-10 or so, and I I think a big part of it is feeling like "If I don't have it by now, I'm hopeless". And I think a big part of that is that she's a 12 yr old girl who has no middle-either everything is awesome, or it's awful. If she's not awesome, she must be awful.  In a few years, I'm guessing it won't matter anymore.

 

 

 

[SKL]

I do think it becomes more of an issue around adolescence. DD has a hard time now when there are much younger kids in her tumbling class than she did when she was 8-10 or so, and I I think a big part of it is feeling like "If I don't have it by now, I'm hopeless". And I think a big part of that is that she's a 12 yr old girl who has no middle-either everything is awesome, or it's awful. If she's not awesome, she must be awful.  In a few years, I'm guessing it won't matter anymore.

 

My youngest is one of the biggest kids in her tumbling section, and while she is game about it, I can tell she feels awkward.  She will probably quit gymnastics after this year.  That said, I wouldn't expect the coaches to adjust things just so she would feel better.  I think we all need to understand that we can't be great at everything.  :)  I could be wrong, but it seems to me that it would be harder if reality hit later, unless it was way later, like young adulthood.  :)

 

Sometimes I wonder if the many offerings of amateur-but-important-looking sports/arts are good for our non-prodigies.  It's off topic, but something I wonder about it as I chase stuff on behalf of my kids.  My eldest won a spot on a little performance team, which she loves, but let's be real - she isn't so great.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm propping her up in an unhealthy way.  (Not saying you or anyone else is doing that, just musing aloud.)

[zaichiki]

I do think it becomes more of an issue around adolescence. 

I think you're right...  Once they hit 12 or so, kids often prefer to be in their age group and want to fit in.

 

The experience I was sharing involved smaller kids... something like the ages the PP (about a young swimmer) mentioned.  I wanted to share how a few 3-4 year olds fit in well with older kids (6-10).  Because the older kids outnumbered the little ones, no one was comparing themselves to the little ones.  It was no issue for the older kids that these little cuties were in the class.

 

Of course one 10 year old with an entire class of 3-4 year olds would probably not have gone over well...

[zaichiki]

I think that depends on the kid. I didn't really have swim lessons until late, and I was super embarrassed to be with the little kids, to the point I didn't really try because I didn't want to try and do worse than the little kids, and so never learned to swim well. I see now it was ridiculous to feel that way, especially considering none of the other participants were anyone I knew or would ever see again, but at the time I was very aware. Maybe there's also a cutoff point. I think I was about twelve when I'm remembering, and it's possible that up to ten or so I wouldn't have cared, at least not as much? (I had had a few sporadic lessons before that, but don't really remember them, so even possible I did have a similar experience younger and didn't care much about the age differences.)

Perhaps it depends on the kid, but the situation you mention is very different from what I was referencing.  Yours was one big kid with a bunch of littles.  I can understand why one older kid might feel awkward there.  However, the PP was talking about one little one in with a bunch of bigger kids.  My experience has been that this kind of thing doesn't make the older kids feel bad.

[MASHomeschooler]

That's true. Lots of factors probably influence how it goes, and my current 11-year-old is fine with a range of ages (even if she's near either end) but would probably balk being the oldest by a good margin.

[Hammfried]

We have the opposite issue. Dd looks young and at 5, she's barely over 30lbs. People always act like she's a really young child prodigy. As if she is a 2 year old who is reading.

 

But, she answers her age for herself and has since 2 or so.

This is us. DD is/has always been small for her size that people often confuse her as a "baby talking with an adult vocabulary." ???

 

Usually, when people ask DD's age, she answers enthusiastically because it is simply factual for her. I've learned to distinguish which people are being sincere in asking and which people are mentally calculating their child's age difference to compare their abilities. We generally do not end up socializing very much with the latter. We have also not signed up for sports group lessons because although her skill set qualifies her, she would be hanging out with kids 2-3 times her physical size and the instructor was concerned from a safety standpoint. Also, bedtime. :)

[EKS]

You've probably already dealt with this, but since it's by email, if it was not the only question asked, you could simply "forget" to answer the question about age.  Whenever I ask more than one question in an email, people will always forget to answer at least one, and since I always feel awkward asking a second time, I usually let it slide.