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To bribe, or not to bribe?


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There are a number of things that my boys will do pretty happily if I offer an incentive, but only begrudgingly and with much moping and whining without the incentive.

 

In general, I shy away from rewards because well, I feel like they cultivate a sense of entitlement. I'm not saying I don't incentivize at all, but I haven't traditionally been a "do your lesson and I'll give you a lollipop" or "finish a workbook and we'll go to the store and buy something" kind of mom.

 

But should I be?

 

Example: My 11 and 9yo have had a really hard time learning to say the multiplication tables and memorizing their multiplication facts. They can skip count by any number up to 15, but for a LONG time now I've been trying to get them to master the actual tables; i.e. "One times 12 is 12, two times 12 is 24, three times 12 is 36" etc. This is very challenging for them, because by the time they say a fact, they lose track of which one they just did so they don't know which one to do next. Whether not mastering this is worthwhile or not is a different discussion; I'm just raising it as an example. We have had lots of drama over this, where they get so frustrated over losing their place, and God forbid there should be any interruption or distraction---the break in concentration provokes a near-meltdown.

 

HOWEVER. Enter chocolate chips. Yesterday, as an experiment I said "all right. For each multiplication table you recite in entirety, fluently without drama, you may eat that number of chocolate chips. 1s table, one chocolate chip. 6s, six chocolate chips etc." And voila, 11yo recited 1s through 12s and 9yo got through the 11s.

 

Even the 5yo got in on the action. Thus far, he has been resistant to any sort of "performance." He doesn't want to recite squat, doesn't want to do a reading lesson, doesn't want to do anything requiring any sort of output from him. So far I've pretty much just rolled with it, because I know he's learning by being in the room, by being read to and by playing. But as soon as this chocolate chip thing got going, all of a sudden HE wanted to do something to earn some! So he sat down with me and practiced skip counting by 2s until he was able to do it. This is something he's been exposed to for 2.5 years now, listening to his brothers and other kids in our coop skip count, having skip counting songs playing in the background for hours on end. You would think he would just know the times tables by osmosis now. But no, we had to intentionally practice---which he was willing to do with chocolate chips being dangled before him.

 

I just KNOW he would be reading in a month if I offered him a piece of candy for each reading lesson completed. He totally has the ability; he just doesn't want to do it. And I don't want to make it in to a battle of the wills...at least not yet.

 

I feel like there are many things that they could all learn, if only they wanted to. Nothing seems to turn on their "wanters" except sugar and video games.

 

I remember with dog training that rewards are used while a skill is being learned, and then once the skill is learned the incentive isn't necessary anymore. Dog sits, gets a nibble of hot dog. Heel, nibble on the hot dog, etc. until the dog understands the meaning of the words and then does it without the reward. Is this transferable to humans?

 

If my 11yo, who I believe (and have been told) is rather gifted musically, could just get to a certain level with piano mastery, I believe he would enjoy it and the good feeling of mastering a song (and verbal praise from others) would be incentive enough to get him to practice. However, right now he has no motivation to do the work. I just know that if I offered him a piece of candy for doing x-y-z, he would totally do it. As things stand now, to get 15 minutes of practice out of him involves a complete change in mood and sometimes tears.

 

Oh, and just so you know...I'm really not good with "systems" and incentive charts. I can't keep up with them. Maybe if I just had one kid...but with three, I just can't. Immediate incentives are doable for me because you don't have to keep track of anything...but I'm just not sure if I want to go that route.

 

What say you?

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I don't think there's anything wrong with offering the kids some incentives. My boys earn money for doing their work and chores without arguing. Other kids earn screen time. Find something that motivates and go with it.

On the other hand, you don't want them to refuse to work because you ran out of chocolate chips one day.

 

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This falls into a "choose your battles" category. I save this kind of reward system for when my stress levels need it, or when it's clear it will successfully help avoid meltdown (not the same thing as meltdown threatened if rewards not used).

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I use bribes. I only have two kids, and they happily manage it themselves. 

 

1) If you play a certain amount of piano you get a certain candy or cookie. I don't determine the amount or types but spend about 4 dollars a month on stocking up the piano treat area. They often talk about how much playing a certain thing is worth. They sometimes earn each other candy if they want to bribe each other. (As in Youngest would say if you cut the cheese I need for my crackers I'll earn you a cookie.) I happily can stay right out of it. 

 

2) For Eldest right now he earns 30 minutes of computer time for earning 50XP doing Duolingo. Youngest earns time for doing memrise. All computer time is shared and Eldest keeps track of how much is earned and used. Right now they are 90 minutes in debt. 

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I'm in favor of incentives--and of finding the right incentive for a particular kid.

 

I am not sure why we think children benefit from certain types of incentive (praise from a parent? Not having to stay at the table because work isn't done? The satisfaction of having met expectations?) more than others (chocolate chips? A dollar? A trip to the swimming pool?)

 

A child who does their work because they are motivated by pleasing others is working for an incentive in just the same way that a child who does their work because they are motivated to earn chocolate chips--they just have different motivational currencies. Neither is displaying intrinsic motivation--that's what they exhibit when they choose to do something for the personal satisfaction that comes from doing it. Intrinsic motivation is a wonderful thing, but we can't instill it in a child for any given task.

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Yes, I like the word "incentive" better than bribe.

 

As someone with a personal and family history of eating disorders, I avoid using food as an incentive or motivation for my own kids. But for things that are just not intrinsically satisfying-- and for many people, this includes the practice that it takes to be good enough at something to actually find intrinsic pleasure in it-- I don't mind pulling out the stickers, or temporary tattoos, or face paint, since that's what works in this house.

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I think they can work well, if you are strategic about them.  I try and think about whether using an incentive would set up a situation that could become a problem, or somehow undermine something that is important in another way.

 

I'm more likely to use them when the benefit of the activity is something the child needs to experience before it will offer intrinsic insentives.  I gave my dd a huge insentive to poop in the toilet, for example, because I knew she really didn't see any good reason to do it.  I hoped that if she tried it a few times, she would see the benefits it offered without a bribe.

 

I also would use them carefully - like sometimes, for an item where the child is having a hard time working up the self-disaplline to do it.  I would tend to make that an intermittant thing.

 

As far as regular things, like chores for pay - I usually decide on those because I feel it isn't something that is properly speaking the child's job, or because it is such a nasty job.  So - I pay my dd9 to pooer-scoop the yard.  It's a job she can manage, gets her some pocket money, and really no one, including her, likes the job, in fact everyone hates it.

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I'm totally fine with 'bribing' or offering incentives. It can certainly be food/money, but work should include praise and acknowledgement, at least according to research. Sometimes a little healthy competition is a good motivator, as well. I will challenge my kids with their math, and see if they can make fewer errors than I do on a few lessons. It works really well. We'll also have fun family quizzes at the dinner table.

 

Our band teacher has a whole reward system for band practice that the kids love. It's candy based, and very well structured. They know exactly what they need to do for a certain candy. This is great for a simple time-based activity, where the actual quality of work isn't measured. 

Edited by wintermom
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I like what you all are saying. I think it boils down to the fact that incentives can be really helpful while a child is still in the "hard" phase of learning to do  something. It helps to get them through to the point that they're good enough at it to find the intrinsic reward in the mastery of a skill.

 

Thanks, I can now feel better about working with my kids' various currencies. Since sugar is a big one, I guess we need to add in extra tooth brushing as well!  :001_rolleyes:

 

I'm still not sure about the little guy though. Can't decide if I want to start offering incentives for "school" work now, or just wait till next fall when he is 6. Suppose I could incentivize starting "early" this year, and see how far it gets us.

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I also use incentives, but I avoid foods. I have a set amount per day/month, either cash or toy value.

 

I use them to improve behaviors. Work is not optional (if it's not done it gets pushed to the weekends or nights or holidays). But working without whining is important to me and I reward for that. I don't reward for doing difficult subjects well, just for trying and working with good behavior. I imagine I could use it in the future for time limits of finishing efficiently, or working more on a subject.

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I think it's really about not raising kids who can't work without quid pro quo incentives. I don't think getting a few ruins learning for kids.

 

One thing I do is encourage my kids to make their own. So, I'll let them go get their own chocolate chips and reward themselves as they work. Ds really likes to do that sometimes. He'll be trudging super slowly through math and I'll be like, you need to speed up. And he'll ask if he can go get something to help and come back with chocolate chips (or marshmallows or the like if we have them on hand) and he'll reward himself with two for every problem finished. There's something good about having it be driven by *him* that really helps.

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I reserve bribes for days that we are having a rough time and need something to encourage one and/or all of us.  I also use them for things that are a true struggle and not just something they don't like to do.  Such as for one kid, he struggles with spelling, so using a reward system helps him and gives him incentive to keep trying even though it is really hard for him.  I try very hard to avoid food rewards due to my own eating disorder problems.  Usually I will use things like extra screen time, trip to the park, etc.  Yesterday youngest was struggling with math, so he came up with his own reward idea and pitched it to me.  He wanted to fill and throw a water balloon for every problem he got done.  It worked really well to keep him going at something he was having a hard time with.

 

I used to give out bribes more frequently but then found than my kids took advantage and wanted a reward for every little thing or they would refuse to do it.  "What do I get if I do it?" started to get heard too frequently for my taste.

 

I suppose everyday there is the, if you get your schoolwork done you get your free time is a reward if you look at it that way.  The sooner they get done, the sooner they get to play.  That works better when they are a bit older and can understand time and such better.

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Sometimes kids (and adults) need an immediate reward to accomplish a difficult task. Other kids need a more tangible reward system than the "reward" of a job well done or verbal praise.

 

Using your example of reciting multiplication tables, once the child has demonstrated mastery by successfully reciting a few times, then you stop giving the candy reward. You aren't (I hope) going to ask the child to repeat this task over and over again once it has been accomplished, so you won't be giving candy for it every day.

 

Just like when a kid is potty training, some families give candy rewards for using the bathroom. I did with a particularly diffucult child who did not want to use the potty for BMs. It only took a couple off weeks of candy bars to get over that hurdle. Then there were no more rewards for going potty.

 

If you don't like using candy all the time, but you don't want to keep track of charts, you could use poker chips, or beans, paper tickets or something similar. You award the kid a token for completing a task, then it is up to the kid to keep track of the token (in a baggies or jar) and turn it in later for a treat of some kind.

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It's not a bribe. A bribe is a reward for doing something wrong. It is an incentive. We all get them. Moms get hugs, dads get paychecks (or vice versa depending on your house). Studies have shown over and over that intermittent rewards work better than a reward every time. I always leaned toward fun group things. Get your times table? We all go to the lake! That way, the other children are cheering them on. If you know the child can do such and such, but just won't buckle down, then an incentive might be in order. Want to go to the football game with your friends? Get your history test done. It puts it back on the kid. They're in control. 

 

That is why when you earn computer time it goes into a shared pot. That way they can always play computers together, and they encourage each other to earn computer time. 

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I am a great fan of Alfie Kohn, and I do try to avoid rewards and punishments as far as possible. However that is in an ideal world, but in the real world there are some times when I just have to do what will work right now, instead of stopping everything and being a perfect parent. So yes, we do use bribery (and even threats) on occasion, but it's not our go-to strategy and I will always plan to phase it out once we're over the rough patch. Also, we try to avoid using 'bad' things (eg junk food) as a reward.

(Incidentally, we totally use bribery all. the. time.  when it comes to our dog. But there is a big difference - we are fully expecting the dog to be dependent on us for his entire life, whereas we are hoping that the children will become more  independent and self-motivated over time.) 

Edited by IsabelC
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I bribe myself all the time to get stuff done. 

I think the danger in demotivating kids with the use of rewards is if it surpasses the effort put in. Memorizing multiplication tables is made more fun by competing for the chocolate chips. If you already had the chocolate chips in the house, it's a perfectly acceptable reward for the amount of work put in. 

In my opinion, when the reward is out of sync with the effort, that is when problems can arise. For instance, memorize your multiplication tables and I'll buy you a car. I think there's a difference between making things fun and enabling entitlement. 

 

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Incentives are a great way to reward hard work. It's also real life (my husband works for the pay :closedeyes: )

 

I don't think everything in life should be rewarded for doing, but I also don't have a problem offering some rewards. I do try to be very careful about offering food rewards - occasional is fine, but too often just builds bad eating habits.

 

At my home, my nine year old does reading for marbles. Each marble is 1 minute of computer time. I tell him for school he HAS to do x amount of reading and I'll reward him with a few marbles. In addition, he can do EXTRA reading to earn more marbles. The marbles don't add up very fast, but if he works hard he can gain quite a few. I also give some incentives such as he's been told that if he finishes his current math workbook before Christmas, he'll get a bonus of 60 marbles. He also gets one marble per math page. He'll then save up his marbles to have extra computer time some day.

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My kids get chocolate chips for finishing their math within 45 minutes, and a little candy bar if they get no errors. I reward myself all the time for getting things done and it's pretty harmless but gives them something to look forward to besides just the satisfaction of a quick and good job, which isn't always enough to help them stay focused. Judiciously applied bribery works very well here.

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