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Stage IV metastatic lung cancer with permanent chest tube, fever 104 and he refuses to listen to anyone! Vent, trigger warning so be careful.


FaithManor
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Hospice is really the only thing that makes sense.

 

Sigh.

 

Dying is scary. When my grandfather's health was deteriorating rapidly he did make the decision to go with hospice care; he didn't want to extend his life in misery. Even so, when a crisis would hit he would panic and want to be taken to the hospital; his hospice nurse would calmly talk him down and remind him of the decision he has made and he would accept it, but the urge to fight for life was strong even when rationally he had chosen not to.

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A quote from 26 years ago out of a letter he wrote to my aunt, "She will probably never amount to anything. She thinks she is smart. But she isn't."

 

This wasn't because he was dying and lashing out. 26 years of putting a smile on his face and saying "I love you" to my face while spewing hatred and crap about me to his friends and relatives.

 

 

 

Maybe he kept up a steady stream of lies to make himself feel superior, feel better about his own life choices. I don't know. I do know that I am done with him. I feel no connection, not a spark. It has become as if I never knew a father figure.

 

That is okay though. I have this little man in my life, Nathaniel, and he is 1w months old leading his mommy, my dd, and her hubby on a wild goose chase now that he walks independently. He is a total treasure to me. I will preserve my emotional energy for being a wonderful grandmother, for my own kids and husband.

 

Thanks everyone for listening. Coffee, scrambled eggs, and curling up by the Christmas tree is calling me!

 

Looks like this is not related to his illness.

You are doing the right thing - knowing you are loved and cared for and loving and caring for your family. The opinions of one man are just not that important even though this man is your father. I do believe in necessary endings when one has to protect oneself and/or family. Sounds like this may be one of those cases. I am sorry this surfaced in the painful way it did.

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I am sorry they are declining hospice services, but not surprised. But it would be so helpful for your mother. Perhaps she will reconsider, be ready to suggest it again if the right opportunity arises.

 

I'm sorry about your sister, too. I'd think she would understand why you are keeping your distance. Maybe she's just really annoyed that she has to engage at all after taking her life all the way to another continent. Anyway, any sin against her was your parents', not yours. Show her love and grace but don't be guilted into anything.

 

Praying forward against the difficult days ahead.

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Hospice is really the only thing that makes sense.

 

Sigh.

 

Dying is scary. When my grandfather's health was deteriorating rapidly he did make the decision to go with hospice care; he didn't want to extend his life in misery. Even so, when a crisis would hit he would panic and want to be taken to the hospital; his hospice nurse would calmly talk him down and remind him of the decision he has made and he would accept it, but the urge to fight for life was strong even when rationally he had chosen not to.

 

This is what we experienced with FIL. I wish we could just all lie down to sleep and not wake up when our time comes.

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Faith, I've been away from the boards more than not, but I wanted to send you kudos for the magnificent way you are handling all of this--with grace, and with sacrificial generosity of spirit, while maintaining some healthy, life-giving boundaries for yourself and for your family.

 

Best wishes as you continue to walk a healthy path, and prayer for your mom, especially.  I hope that with time she is able to allow herself to separate from his perspective without feeling like she has betrayed him, and then live and love fully.

 

Gentle hugs!

 

 

 

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Dh and I just left the hospital. He doesn't seem to recognize me because non of his reactions are typical of when I am around. He has not used my name nor addressed me directly, often looks at me with a quizzical look.

 

I consider this a blessing actually.

How's your mom?

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How's your mom?

She was fairly relaxed with me. However, she is quite guarded with medical information. That is fine. I have decided to distance myself because I absolutely will not care for him. My dear friend with Docs without Borders spent some time with her yesterday "talking turkey" about the situation. He laid out options.

 

She looks like she has lost more weight. Her clothes hang off her badly. Dh wants me to get a few outfits for her, so I will do that. His pajamas are three sizes to big. I may buy him a couple of new sets. It will make her happy. They are going bankrupt so there isn't any money for anything beyond food, car insurance, and utilities.

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She was fairly relaxed with me. However, she is quite guarded with medical information. That is fine. I have decided to distance myself because I absolutely will not care for him. My dear friend with Docs without Borders spent some time with her yesterday "talking turkey" about the situation. He laid out options.

 

She looks like she has lost more weight. Her clothes hang off her badly. Dh wants me to get a few outfits for her, so I will do that. His pajamas are three sizes to big. I may buy him a couple of new sets. It will make her happy. They are going bankrupt so there isn't any money for anything beyond food, car insurance, and utilities.

The clothing would be a wonderful gesture. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I'm glad your husband is at your side.

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I've been off the board while we traveled for robotics, but I've been thinking of you and your family over the last few days. I'm hopeful that any discharge team would be strongly pushing for hospice, or a nursing home.

 

I hope he remains stable until your sister gets here. Many hugs.

Edited by melmichigan
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