s/o Baby sleep -- Co-sleepers, do you lie about it to medical professionals?

[Cecropia]

This may vary by state/location...

 

I noticed in the baby sleep thread that many people responded that they co-sleep.  I have done it with all of my children and am doing it again with this baby.

 

Unlike my older children, my last two babies were born and had follow up care in the standard medical model.  For these babies, I have been asked many times from prenatal visits to hospital stay to pediatrician's visits, "Does the baby have a crib/sleep in a crib?"  This question is usually asked at the same time (and in the same manner) as "Do you put baby to sleep on his back?"  I have seen posters and brochures in the examining rooms about sleep safety (explicitly recommending cribs and warning about the dangers of bed sharing). 

 

It is so obvious that the correct answer a responsible, educated mother should give is, "He always sleeps in a crib, on his back", and if I answer otherwise it will mean I risk some medical advice, re-education, mark on the sheet, being reported, etc.  Right now, we have our crib attached to the bed as a side sleeper, but he doesn't sleep in it yet.  I will say something like, "He has a crib", which is technically true but not the whole truth.  I will say, "He sleeps on his back", even though most nights we fall asleep while he is nursing and lying on his side.  I feel compelled to lie and answer what is expected of me.  It bothers me because I place a high value on honesty and I hate lying.

 

If you co-sleep, do you lie to your baby's care providers about it?  If you tell them the truth, do they respect your choice and leave you alone?

 

[This isn't a thread about the safety statistics of co sleeping/bed sharing, and I don't mean it to turn into a debate about that.]

Edited October 28, 2016 by Cecropia

[eternalsummer]

I have never gotten a direct enough question to have to lie about it. I do get a lot of advice - things like, "You know the best place for baby is on his back with no bumper in a crib, etc.?" and I make a non-committal noise and that is that.

 

In the hospital 95% of nurses leave me alone about everything (I am on #6) and the remaining 5% are idiots, in my experience.  The only nurse that harrassed me about not sleeping with the baby (ever, in any situation, my god you'll kill him! etc.) also harrassed me about breastfeeding positions, burping, wrapping the blanket the way she liked, changing my sheets (she wanted to do a full sheet change every time any bit of bodily fluid got on any part of the bedding), and what I ate while in the hospital.  She also wanted to know who I was voting for and why.

 

I have gotten really good with non=committal noises.

[Crimson Wife]

I don't have babies any more, but I would tell any medical professional who asked that I don't smoke, drink alcohol while nursing, or do drugs. We only ever co-slept in a bed (never a couch or armchair) and without heavy bedding. Most of the risks of co-sleeping stem from not knowing how to do it safely.

[eternalsummer]

I don't have babies any more, but I would tell any medical professional who asked that I don't smoke, drink alcohol while nursing, or do drugs. We only ever co-slept in a bed (never a couch or armchair) and without heavy bedding. Most of the risks of co-sleeping stem from not knowing how to do it safely.

 

 

This is what I tell relatives.

[maize]

I've always answered honestly about cosleeping and have never had a Dr. lecture me about it.

[ktgrok]

I've lied. I actually was thrilled that my last baby would/could sleep on his back, all the others I had to lie about that too. 

 

My pediatrician is there for medical issues, not parenting issues. I am educated about the reasons for those things, and if I make different choices it is with research and thought. 

[Arcadia]

My oldest was born before we relocated here and co-sleeping is common enough that no one will question it. When my younger one was born, everyone just said this is your 2nd so I don't need to repeat everything.

I was only asked how much he slept but not where he slept.

[kubiac]

My general response is to nod and look agreeable and say "Oh yeah sure," meaning, "Oh yes I know those are the rules. I have indeed read the rules."

 

[Forget-Me-Not]

I don't think I was ever asked. I always have a family doc for my babies and IME they're more relaxed about things. Plus my husband is a family doc, so we get less questions than the average patient anyway.

 

I co-slept with at least two of my kids in the hospital and nobody gave me grief. In fact I woke up once to find a nurse tucking a pillow between the baby and the hospital bed railing.

Edited October 28, 2016 by Forget-me-not

[Murphy101]

I don't lie. If I felt I needed to lie, then I'd take the nodding in understanding route and then I'd find another doctor.

[happypamama]

TBH, it's never been an issue. All of my babies have been born out of hospital, so nobody's hassled us there. My previous pediatrician coslept with her children, so she didn't care. She might have checked that they sleep on their backs; I don't remember. My current family doctor doesn't ask. She asks, "How does the baby sleep?" and says, "If night waking isn't a problem for you, it's not a problem." She doesn't ask if I use a car seat either, and I've never once brought the seat into the office, so it's not like it's been obvious. I think she just figures that I'm there for medical advice only and doesn't give out parenting advice. Oh, they do give out these "your X month old" sheets for the first couple of years that talk about safe sleeping and waiting until six months for solids and all of that (which probably is good if people were intending to start at four months) but I have never gotten the sense that she's really pushing them.

 

I'm trying to picture a scenario where I could be asked about sleeping situations, and I'd probably not lie, but I'd probably say, "We observe safe sleeping rules." (Because depending on whose research you read, cosleeping when following the proper protocols IS the safest way because st least some studies have shown it to have a protective effect against SIDS.). If really pushed, I'd say that the baby sleeps with me, and I'd point out that that's been common through history and that our family doctor hasn't been concerned (because if she really was concerned, she'd ask).

 

It probably helps that I have a lot of children, and my family doctor has none, and I probably come across as pretty confident and like I have at least some clue about child raising because my children are largely healthy, good eaters and sleepers, and developmentally on track or ahead. A lot of that I think is luck of the draw or genetics, but it does look good to the doctor. (Then again, she seems to get that I read and research a lot, which a doctor should expect in today's world.)

Edited October 28, 2016 by happypamama

[Ali in OR]

I never got the question, but I would have loved to explain that I needed my baby sleeping by me so that I would wake if she started having a seizure. First year of life was pretty rough with uncontrolled seizures as we learned what meds and doses would help. In other words, we had much bigger things to worry about.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I've always answered honestly about cosleeping and have never had a Dr. lecture me about it.

 

Yes!  

 

My first dd had horrific acid reflux with projectile vomiting.  She could've literally choked to death had I put her on her back to sleep.  My dc sleeping positions were just that, whatever position would allow them (and me!) to sleep!

 

 

I don't lie. If I felt I needed to lie, then I'd take the nodding in understanding route and then I'd find another doctor.

Yep.

[Rebel Yell]

I have been fortunate enough to mostly be able to choose health care providers who are knowledgeable in their field and agreeable to our choices. When insurance or other circumstances force us to see a provider who is not agreeable to our choices I do my best to be as vague as possible without lying, but if forced and I believed the provider would report us or pursue some sort of action, I might say what I needed to say to avoid that. I believe lying is wrong, but the stress and possibility of having children investigated or removed over cosleeping or extended breastfeeding is wronger, KWIM?

 

But even when my kids coslept, they had a crib and did sleep in it, so answering Yes would not have been a lie. They started the night in the crib, and napped in it if I was going to be in the shower or cooking, for example.

[Amber in SJ]

Baby # 4 fell asleep in my arms in the hospital after nursing at 3am, when the nurse came in for whatever reason and asked me,

 

"Is he still eating or is he asleep?"  I answered,

 

"He just fell asleep."

 

"You can't let him sleep there, with you.  He has to sleep in the isolette."

 

"I'm OK.  He's fine; I'm fine.  We had a completely unmedicated birth & all I have had for the cramps is Ibuprofen.  We are just fine here."

 

Then she turned to my husband, who was sleeping in the chair and said,

 

"You need to tell her the baby can't sleep with her.  If she won't put the baby in the isolette, I will have to take him to the nursery for his safety."

 

My husband said, "I don't need to tell my wife anything about parenting our son & you need to leave, now."

 

She walked out of the room, but before she left she flipped on the lights so the baby woke up & started crying.  We filed a complaint about her, but after that whenever we were asked by any doctor we didn't know we just smiled & nodded.  No one needs that kind of confrontation.  

 

Amber in SJ

[Noreen Claire]

 

If you co-sleep, do you lie to your baby's care providers about it?  If you tell them the truth, do they respect your choice and leave you alone?

 

 

I have always told my pedi that my babies sleep in bed with me. I've also offered to loan her my copy of "Sweet Sleep", so that she could better be able to teach others about safe sleep practices. ;-) She doesn't question my parenting decisions any more - we've known each other a loooong time. (My oldest is 21.)

 

 

My pediatrician is there for medical issues, not parenting issues. I am educated about the reasons for those things, and if I make different choices it is with research and thought. 

 

This, exactly. She's a student of medicine, not of sleeping arrangements or car seats or breast feeding or nutrition or schooling or any of the myriad of other topics that come up that I have had to counter her 'mainstream' ideas on over the years. I don't lie about our choices, and I defend them with research and logic. She never gives me crap, which is why we keep her around!

[Cecropia]

I don't lie. If I felt I needed to lie, then I'd take the nodding in understanding route and then I'd find another doctor.

 

I've been asked by so many different people practicing in unrelated offices that I almost think it is a state requirement (WV).  We have switched pediatricians and family docs more than once, here.

 

edit: in one instance, the family doctor was checking boxes on the form on his laptop as he was asking me (and complaining about how arduous the new electronic records are), so I  am pretty sure the questions were based off some script that he is given to ask everyone.

Edited October 28, 2016 by Cecropia

[Katy]

I don't have an ethical problem with telling people what they want to hear.  If you do, I suggest being honest, and if the doctor is a jerk about it, find a different one.

[Amber in SJ]

Also when my oldest was 13 our pediatrician retired and we were assigned a new one by our insurance.  When we had our first appt and she found out we homeschooled she tried her darnedest to get my dd to say she didn't want me in the room for the exam, so that she could find out if we were hiding child abuse behind homeschooling.  I actually said I was fine with leaving the room if that was what my daughter wanted but my daughter was adamant about not being alone with the doctor (a stranger.)  She just kept asking the kids about their outside activities and if they had contact with other grown up people that they trusted.  It was weird.  And offensive.  After that I decided that parenting decisions (co-sleeping, vaccinations, homeschooling, etc) are none of the medical community's business & I would have no problem being as vague as possible.

 

Amber in SJ

[Lecka]

I have not lied.

 

I have had times where they read the questions but don't go into it at all, like they assume the answers are all the "right answers."

 

I have told, and had them nicely share the information that "this is what is recommended now" and basically see if I was going to answer "tell me more" or not. If I am not interested they don't go into it more.

 

My kids are a little older, but attachment parenting was all the rage when my kids were babies. It was so common, and they knew a lot of people were doing it.

 

It has not been a big deal for me.

 

I think it is something where there is an official recommendation, but it is more of a "here is the recommended thing" and less of a "wow, that is a horrible thing you are doing" kind of thing.

 

B/c you know what? My husband has used nicotine also, and it is on the same list of questions. If you say yes, they will ask if I am interested in information about smoking cessation classes they offer.

 

But they know a lot of people use nicotine, too.

 

I have had them share information about smoke clinging to clothes, but it is more like -- they just want to tell you to also have your husband change his shirt if he smoked outside and then came in the house and is going to hold the baby.

 

I would say that is a bigger issue in my experience. But they are more about talking about ways to be as safe as possible, not being mean about it.

 

I suspect a lot of places, if you said "co-sleeping," would share information about how to co-sleep as safely as possible.

 

I don't know, though. But that is how it has been with nicotine.

 

I am sorry if others have had bad experiences this way. It is the kind of thing that just makes people not want to go to their follow-up appointments, and so counter-productive in every way.

 

Edit: we have never allowed cigarette smoke inside the house or inside vehicles, and that is one of the follow-up questions for smoking.

 

I think depending on your doctor, have some perspective -- there could be people who smoke in their house all day long. An attachment-parenting co-sleeper is probably low on their list of things to worry about.

 

Plus they might strongly approve of breastfeeding, which is not necessarily going to work out with co-sleeping, but I think if you are co-sleeping it is commonly assumed you have at least tried breastfeeding.

 

I have only gotten strong approval wrt breastfeeding, though.

Edited October 28, 2016 by Lecka

[Guest]

.

Edited September 10, 2020 by Æthelthryth the Texan

[Liz CA]

Hey I think we had the same pediatrician! We finally ditched her and found one that homeschools!

 

To the OP- I just nod and smile about all of it- tell them what they want to hear. The list of questions gets longer every year it seemed. I don't remember ever being asked where my oldest slept. With my youngest two last year they asked where they slept, what they ate, if we had guns in the house, if the children were around anyone that smoked and on and on......it's ridiculous. But if you want to ask legitimate questions about anything with vaccine timing, medication effects or anything else they aren't near as happy answering questions themselves! It's taken me four tries and 13 years,  but I think we've finally found a pediatrician and staff that we're happy with. 

 

Seriously? I have never been asked any of those questions. Seems highly intrusive and out of line.

[Cecropia]

Baby # 4 fell asleep in my arms in the hospital after nursing at 3am, when the nurse came in for whatever reason and asked me,

 

"Is he still eating or is he asleep?"  I answered,

 

"He just fell asleep."

 

"You can't let him sleep there, with you.  He has to sleep in the isolette."

 

"I'm OK.  He's fine; I'm fine.  We had a completely unmedicated birth & all I have had for the cramps is Ibuprofen.  We are just fine here."

 

Then she turned to my husband, who was sleeping in the chair and said,

 

"You need to tell her the baby can't sleep with her.  If she won't put the baby in the isolette, I will have to take him to the nursery for his safety."

 

My husband said, "I don't need to tell my wife anything about parenting our son & you need to leave, now."

 

She walked out of the room, but before she left she flipped on the lights so the baby woke up & started crying.  We filed a complaint about her, but after that whenever we were asked by any doctor we didn't know we just smiled & nodded.  No one needs that kind of confrontation.  

 

Amber in SJ

 

This is just awful. :( I know very well what it is like to be threatened/bullied by a medical provider (over one of my babies).  That's why I prefer to appear as "compliant" as possible.

[Amber in SJ]

 

I have only gotten strong approval wrt breastfeeding, though.

 

Oooh!  Oooh!  I have a fun one for this....

 

When we were interviewing pediatricians while pregnant with dd #1 (1994),  a very nice elderly doctor asked me if I planned on breastfeeding.  I said I did and he told me to not be too disappointed when it didn't work because breastfeeding only works for "dark & swarthy women."  He was very matter of fact.  I was stunned; flabbergasted.  I opened my mouth but nothing came out.  Dh said, "Are you trying to tell me that no one breastfeeds in Scandinavian countries?"

 

Completely true.  It was nuts. Sorry for the hijack.

 

Amber in SJ

[Ailaena]

We had a co-sleeper and now we sidecar a minicrib, so technically, the baby has his own sleeping space. And he sleeps in it sometimes ðŸ˜

 

I don't lie if asked, and no medical professional has ever gotten on us about any of our parenting choices. Other than SIL who can piss right off. And she still doesn't tell me directly. I can't imagine I would last too long in the room with somebody who wanted to disrespectfully lecture me about anything.

 

Weirdest thing about going home from the hospital, though, was that the nurse had to walk us to the car and witness the baby being installed properly in a car seat. I was like, what if we had taken the bus? And she said, then I'd walk you to the bus stop. Ok. What if I didn't have a car seat? Then we'd go back inside and I would get one for you. Which was nice, I guess.

[HS Mom in NC]

No, I don't lie because I chose my pediatrician based the recommendation of my midwife.  He's a parental rights guy (he recommends vaccinating according to schedule but respects delayed, partial and non-vaccination) and he's old enough to have seen the sleep positioning fads change with each new trend in parenting and round of studies. 

When he asked about sleeping and I told him we co-slept he said, "Good.  A baby should be sleeping close enough to an adult that they can hear his/her breathing." 

I don't know what his advice is about breastfeeding because the ONLY medical staff qualified to give breastfeeding advice are Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultants (IBCLC.) I wouldn't dream of asking a pediatrician, GP or OB-GYN about breastfeeding anymore than I would ask a podiatrist about gum disease.

[lauraw4321]

I co-slept, didn't lie, took advice on how to do it better. Doc reduced my worries about cosleeping because I BF. There seems to be less risk to cosleeping if you BF.

[Guest]

I think I will be laughing until tomorrow about this, lol!

 

That makes two of us because I just spit out my water when I read that post! 

[Guest]

I don't think I've ever needed to lie, but I also don't offer details unless asked. Fortunately my care providers are pretty chill and if they lecture me on safety I just nod and smile. But I'd say it's pretty much been a non-issue.

[nd293]

I never lied, although I'm not sure I was asked. Dd is now 16, maybe no one asked back then, and anyway, in South Africa there were way bigger problems than co-sleeping for many babies (Do you have access to clean water? Do you have safe housing? Do you have HIV? for example).

 

For ds I was in a middle eastern country, so it probably also wasn't a priority issue. I actually co-slept with him in my hospital bed once he was out of high care. It never really occurred to me, I just took him out of the crib they wheeled to me and put him in bed with me.

[Artichoke]

Thankfully we found wonderful pediatricians when our second was born.  We've been at the same practice ever since and have not felt the need to lie about co-sleeping.  We have had to endure the list of info gathering questions at well child visits, but that's it.  

 

Edited June 12, 2017 by Artichoke

[Murphy101]

I've been asked by so many different people practicing in unrelated offices that I almost think it is a state requirement (WV). We have switched pediatricians and family docs more than once, here.

 

edit: in one instance, the family doctor was checking boxes on the form on his laptop as he was asking me (and complaining about how arduous the new electronic records are), so I am pretty sure the questions were based off some script that he is given to ask everyone.

There's no almost about it. They are required by law or other regulations to ask. That does not mean they are supposed to treat you like some awful child abuser if you disagree with the current trendy answer.

 

Hence I would go elsewhere if I felt I needed to lie about something that has little to nothing to do with the medical reason I've sought their services.

[Crimson Wife]

 

I don't know what his advice is about breastfeeding because the ONLY medical staff qualified to give breastfeeding advice are Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultants (IBCLC.) I wouldn't dream of asking a pediatrician, GP or OB-GYN about breastfeeding anymore than I would ask a podiatrist about gum disease.

 

The lactation nurse can't write prescriptions for Reglan the way my oldest's pediatrician did.

 

[Murphy101]

Seriously? I have never been asked any of those questions. Seems highly intrusive and out of line.

I agree it is but it's also become very common these days.

 

I've been using my pediatrician for 18 years and we have come to a mutually respectful understanding that it benefits neither of us to treat the other like a moron. He skims through that stuff very quickly with me bc neither of us has much patience for it, but he is required to ask.

 

Just like all nurses at the hospital are required to ask if I feel safe in my home/with my spouse and to ask if I'm suicidal.

[Reefgazer]

My kids are older now (12 and 14), but I co-slept, and lied my way through it.  I didn't want the hassle of listening to the lecture and knowing full well I would still be co-sleeping that very evening.

Edited October 28, 2016 by reefgazer

[AnnE-girl]

I think I told our old pediatrician ten years ago. He was my pediatrician as a kid too, so fairly old school. He was most concerned about getting ds out of our bed later. I smiled and nodded when I was asked more recently. On the one hand, I don't want to be hassled about something I'm comfortable with as a parent given the research. But on the other, I would like doctors to have a more complete view of how many cosleeping families are making the decision carefully and practicing safe cosleeping.

[xixstar]

I don't know if we've been asked. I would not lie about it. My doctor would not press us on it. He might agree or disagree, I am not sure, but he does agree that we are true parents ultimately responsible for raising our children.

[foxbridgeacademy]

With the first 2 they slept in a crib (bottle babies) and I went years without sleeping. The next 2 were breast fed/co-slept and when asked I lied with DS (#3) but by the time I got to DD, # 4,  I practically dared them to "re-educate" me :glare: , I was actually sleeping, not functioning of the dream of sleep and gallons of coffee. 

[Melissa in Australia]

The hospital that I used for all my deliveries actively encouraged cosleeping. Even putting the baby in my bed to feed.

They were more worried if the baby had a correct latch than cosleeping.

[Alice]

As a pediatrician, I do ask about sleeping on the back. I think that's more than a trend and the evidence for decreasing the risk of SIDS is compelling vs. putting the baby on their tummy alone in a crib.  However, I also co-slept at times with my kids so I have no problem when people do that. I make sure if it's a first time parent that they know to do it safely and then we move on. 

 

 

 

[Gentlemommy]

I was very very lucky to have a wonderful ped with my children when they were younger. I was completely honest about how and where they slept (on me, in my bed), how often they nursed (all the darn time!), and everything else. He was 100% supportive. We did have to leave two other doctors before finding one who was a good fit for us, but it was worth the hassle.

[Carrie12345]

I don't remember ever lying.  My oldest was formula fed and slept in his own room so, if I ever was questioned back then, I'm guessing I "passed" the test.

 

My next two were partial co-sleepers, and I don't remember ever being asked.  My last two were 100% full, intentional co-sleepers and I more than likely said so with a "Dare you to challenge me" glare.  I was so over textbook advice by then, lol.

[Guest]

The baby I full-time co-sleep with never asked, actually. I *did* lie to her about something more ridiculous once, though.

 

She asked if I was reading to my newborn at his FIRST appointment after being born. So he was what, like 6 days old? I said No, because I wasn't. She was also my older kid's ped, and I was like, "remember I homeschool the big kids? I read aloud to them for two hours a day. The baby will be present for all that" [while I healed from having the baby I did still read to them most nights for half an hour or so, so it never fully stopped.]

 

She asked if I needed books. Because there are programs that can get books for new moms (wonderful! NOT making digs at these altruistic programs). I said No, we have approximately a Quintilian books.

She said, "Hold on, I'm going to go get you some books." and came back with a terrible twaddly piece of garbage that I'd never read to anyone, and a book I already had two copies of at home. I accepted it and said thank you, but I already have this book. Then she handed me a printout AND a pamphlet about the benefits of reading to babies and told me to read one of those books to the baby every day. Every other day, at least.

 

Ulllllgggghhhhh She was not listening to me AT ALL.

 

So the next visit I told her that yes, I read to the baby, specifically :001_rolleyes: She ticked the little box and never said another word about it. Literacy, advanced!

Edited October 28, 2016 by OKBud

[Donna]

Our pediatrician never asked specifically where they slept so I never said anything.

[shawthorne44]

With the first 2 they slept in a crib (bottle babies) and I went years without sleeping. The next 2 were breast fed/co-slept and when asked I lied with DS (#3) but by the time I got to DD, # 4,  I practically dared them to "re-educate" me :glare: , I was actually sleeping, not functioning of the dream of sleep and gallons of coffee. 

 

The thing about the "recommendations" is that they change.  Radically.   Doctors used to tell women to start smoking when pregnant, because the worst thing was to gain weight.   Breastmilk was unhealthy.  etc.  

 

Personally, I suspect that sleeping on the back is the next thing they will change their minds about.  

 

In my case, I didn't have to lie about co-sleeping.  I wanted to, but I couldn't.   That awareness of the baby that keeps mothers from rolling onto the baby?   I am LOADED with it.   So, much that I couldn't sleep any deeper than the lightest doze.  I cried from the torture of it because I desperately wanted to sleep, but couldn't.  

[sassenach]

New recommendations out this week are that baby stays in the same room with parents for the 1st six months. I wonder if that will make it onto the questionnaire.

[Guest]

New recommendations out this week are that baby stays in the same room with parents for the 1st six months. I wonder if that will make it onto the questionnaire.

In the same room, in a crib is what I'm hearing. It's it the same in what you've read?

[Guest]

However, I also co-slept at times with my kids __so__ I have no problem when people do that. I make sure if it's a first time parent that they know to do it safely and then we move on.

That "so" is a stickywicket, going both ways.

[sassenach]

In the same room, in a crib is what I'm hearing. It's it the same in what you've read?

Yes

[heartlikealion]

I don't know if we were ever directly asked. Dd is very clingy at night and wants to stay in the bed. But last night dh didn't come to bed and although we were more on one side of the bed, she managed to roll out on the other. I heard her crying in my dream and when I opened my eyes she was rolling off and I couldn't stop it. I felt awful! I use a bedrail when I visit my parents, but she sometimes tries to stand up with arms on the top of it, so I think it's actually a hazard until she's actually asleep.

 

I want her to sleep in her toddler bed soon, but not sure that will go over well at all. It is lower to the ground and has rails on both sides. I know this thread is probably more about babies. When she was younger we flip flopped between bed and pack n play. As in, if I couldn't get her to sleep in the pack n play, I'd move her to it later.