How to encourage a child not to quit

[Vintage81]

Backstory: My 6 year old daughter has been going to a gymnastics class for a couple of months. She really enjoyed it and looked forward to going each week. But, two weeks ago she fell and hurt her back. It definitely looked like it hurt, but I wouldn't call it a major injury. I think it may have knocked the wind out of her and she said her back was sore. We gave her Tylenol for pain and put cold compresses on the sore area. After two days, she was back to normal, running and playing with no discomfort.

 

Last week, before we went to the next class, she told me she was nervous to go, which I completely understood. I tried to keep it positive and just encouraged her to not be scared and try her best. Well, she made it about halfway through class and then just broke down crying (she didn't even cry when she got hurt). She wasn't having fun and she was afraid of getting hurt again. I convinced her to go back out there for the last few minutes of class, but now she's saying she no longer wants to do gymnastics at all.

 

My question: How do I encourage her not to quit? She hasn't complained about anything physically hurting, so I truly believe this is a mental struggle. I want to be compassionate and empathetic to her fears, but I don't want to set the precedent that it's okay to quit.

 

One idea I had was to let her sit out for the next week or two and watch the class (her older sister is in the class too). Maybe that would spark her interest again? Although if it doesn't, I'll basically have let her quit. The coach is understanding, but agrees the best way to get over this is to just keep pushing her to participate (and provide an extra spot when needed). I'm totally on board with this, but I don't want her to become a disruption to the class if she still feels uncomfortable.

 

Any advice, encouragement, personal experience, or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

[SparklyUnicorn]

What was she doing when she fell?  Could that particular thing be avoided for a bit? 

 

I dunno.  I see these things as just something fun to do so if it is causing anxiety I don't think I'd push it.  But I get your reasoning too. 

 

 

[bookbard]

If you have a look at the book "The Whole-Brain Child" by Dan Siegel there's a chapter and even a cartoon of this exact situation, except it's where a boy doesn't want to continue woodwork due to cutting his hand. They advise getting the child to narrate exactly what happened, eg "I was doing gymnastics, I was doing blah-blah move, then I fell, and hurt my back, it really hurt, then mum helped me, and then it stopped hurting". 

 

It's a good book if you can get it. The idea is not dismissing what was a very scary incident, but also using it as a way forward - bad thing happened, you got through it, you will get through other things too. 

[Shred Betty]

I'll ask my just turned 8 yr old for you when I get home, see if she can provide any perspective hehee.

 

Last winter she just had begun snowboarding, it is a family sport. She fell back on her wrists on the bunny hill and it was obviously more than just a "shake it off" moment. The nearby ski rescue guy checked her out - she was fine, but the wrist needed ice and rest - I remember she could not write at school for a few days and at first was tearfully afraid she'd never be able to write again (!) let alone ever want to snowboard again for fear of injury.

 

My perspective: I immediately bought her wrist guards - should have had them for her from day 1. we had to take a very firm hand to get her through those tearful first attempts back on the hill. She was nervous, afraid, tearful at first. It was a bit hard for us too. I don't know if I could have done it alone. One parent is usually more quickly obeyed without question than the other. For us in our family that's the Daddy. Every family is different so for us, it was Daddy that had to get her through this stage very firmly, not me.

 

She is so so happy she pushed herself through that mental barrier. She is very very brave now and has told me many times how glad she is that she kept trying. Even though we did force her she is glad it happened. Putting on the wrist guards helped her feel braver. There is other padded equipment maybe you could look into to help give a mental boost.

 

I don't know if it'd help much but watching inspirational videos, athletes, seeing other people heal and keep trying may help?

[lanabug]

I'd just encourage her to keep trying and to trust her coach. As she watches the other kids, she'll begin to see that that piece of equipment or skill is safe and fun.  And a good coach will gently work with her, teach her to trust, and coax her past her fear over time.

 

My dd started rec gymnastics at age 7 and was absolutely.terrified. of any high skill - zipline, high bar, uneven bars, etc. She just completely shut down and clung to her coach and refused to even try.  But she loved every other aspect of the gym, so we stuck with it.  At some point about a year ago, something clicked with her and now she has much less fear of heights. She all of a sudden was able to do the zipline, and it progressed from there.  It took years of her coach working with her, modifying skills to accommodate her fear of heights, and pushing her past her comfort zone just a little bit more each time.

 

I wouldn't let her sit out - that makes it too easy to quit.  Our gym will allow a hesitant child to go around the different areas with their class, even if they don't participate at first.  The coach can still try to involve the fearful child and encourage them more.

 

Lana

[Vintage81]

What was she doing when she fell?  Could that particular thing be avoided for a bit? 

 

I dunno.  I see these things as just something fun to do so if it is causing anxiety I don't think I'd push it.  But I get your reasoning too.

 

  

 

She was doing sort of a backflip. They use this barrel looking thing that's padded, then have the kids lay on their backs on it, it rolls, they put their hands on the floor, then kick their legs over their head. My daughter, who has done this many times before, didn't put her hands down, so when she kicked her legs over, her whole body landed on her back, near the neck. It's kind of hard to explain, so I hope that made sense.

 

She can avoid that particular activity, but so many other activities are similar. Right now she's afraid of anything like it (which is like 75% of the class).

 

 

I'll ask my just turned 8 yr old for you when I get home, see if she can provide any perspective hehee.

Last winter she just had begun snowboarding, it is a family sport. She fell back on her wrists on the bunny hill and it was obviously more than just a "shake it off" moment. The nearby ski rescue guy checked her out - she was fine, but the wrist needed ice and rest - I remember she could not write at school for a few days and at first was tearfully afraid she'd never be able to write again (!) let alone ever want to snowboard again for fear of injury.

My perspective: I immediately bought her wrist guards - should have had them for her from day 1. we had to take a very firm hand to get her through those tearful first attempts back on the hill. She was nervous, afraid, tearful at first. It was a bit hard for us too. I don't know if I could have done it alone. One parent is usually more quickly obeyed without question than the other. For us in our family that's the Daddy. Every family is different so for us, it was Daddy that had to get her through this stage very firmly, not me.

She is so so happy she pushed herself through that mental barrier. She is very very brave now and has told me many times how glad she is that she kept trying. Even though we did force her she is glad it happened. Putting on the wrist guards helped her feel braver. There is other padded equipment maybe you could look into to help give a mental boost.

I don't know if it'd help much but watching inspirational videos, athletes, seeing other people heal and keep trying may help?

Thank you for asking your daughter...another child's perspective would be helpful. :)

 

I totally understand what you're saying about kids listening to one parent or the other. For us, it's a 50/50 split. My older daughter does better with my husband. My 6 year old, who's having the issue, listens more to me. I think that's why I feel kind of stressed about what to do. I know gymnastics is a fun thing to do, but I'm just worried the quitting attitude will carry forward to things we do in the future.

[Vintage81]

If you have a look at the book "The Whole-Brain Child" by Dan Siegel there's a chapter and even a cartoon of this exact situation, except it's where a boy doesn't want to continue woodwork due to cutting his hand. They advise getting the child to narrate exactly what happened, eg "I was doing gymnastics, I was doing blah-blah move, then I fell, and hurt my back, it really hurt, then mum helped me, and then it stopped hurting". 

 

It's a good book if you can get it. The idea is not dismissing what was a very scary incident, but also using it as a way forward - bad thing happened, you got through it, you will get through other things too.

 

 

 

Thank you for the book suggestion. I'll look for it at my library.

 

 

I'd just encourage her to keep trying and to trust her coach. As she watches the other kids, she'll begin to see that that piece of equipment or skill is safe and fun.  And a good coach will gently work with her, teach her to trust, and coax her past her fear over time.

 

My dd started rec gymnastics at age 7 and was absolutely.terrified. of any high skill - zipline, high bar, uneven bars, etc. She just completely shut down and clung to her coach and refused to even try.  But she loved every other aspect of the gym, so we stuck with it.  At some point about a year ago, something clicked with her and now she has much less fear of heights. She all of a sudden was able to do the zipline, and it progressed from there.  It took years of her coach working with her, modifying skills to accommodate her fear of heights, and pushing her past her comfort zone just a little bit more each time.

 

I wouldn't let her sit out - that makes it too easy to quit.  Our gym will allow a hesitant child to go around the different areas with their class, even if they don't participate at first.  The coach can still try to involve the fearful child and encourage them more.

 

Lana

I'm hoping the coach can help. I don't know him that well, but so far he seems understanding and supportive.

 

I usually stay and watch the class, but I'm wondering if I should leave. I feel like I might be a security blanket for her. Maybe if I'm not there, she'll push herself a little harder to participate.

[SereneHome]

My DS2 has similar issue with swimming.  He loved going to the beach and loved getting into water.  Then I took him for swimming lessons and he wouldn't get into the pool.  My husband remembered that he once went under water on the beach and thought it really scared him. 

 

It took 1.5 yrs of trying to get him into the pool, but he finally did and now is doing pretty well. 

 

I pushed him in a sense that I kept signing him up for swim lessons (I, thankfully, had the flexibility of getting a refund if he didn't take the class), but I didn't push him in the sense of physically making him get into the pool.

 

I am usually OK with kids "quitting", but not for this particular reason.  I think learning to overcome your fear is a very important skill to have, so I try to provide safe environment to do it, but I want them to do it!

 

BTW, talking with my son didn't help at all, bc he couldn't even explain to me why he didn't want to get into the pool.  So I think you are already ahead since you know and you DD knows the exact problem.

 

Good luck!

[Katy]

I would call the coach, explain the situation, and arrange for her to come in on her own and practice just the activity that she hurt herself on.  I'd be afraid if she didn't conquer her fear of it, she'd be setting herself up for a phobia or worse.  I wouldn't let her quit until she'd done that activity perfectly a hundred times.  If she still wants to quit at the end, that's an informed decision instead of one made from fear.

 

But I was the kind of kid that was forced to get right back on the horse when I was thrown from one though.  I'm pretty sure most of my friends would just let their kids quit.

[bethben]

I remember being around 10 years old and I sprained my ankle by hitting the spring board wrong before a vault.  I never really got my confidence back after that.  I continued going to gymnastics after I healed, but even the coaches could tell I was nervous about doing certain things.  They wouldn't let me do some of the tricks others were doing because you really need to be "all in" in gymnastics.  Being nervous and hesitant can get you hurt in that sport.  I would talk to the coaches also about how to get her over the fear of getting hurt if it's important to you that she continue.  I can't say it really affected my life in any major way by quitting after that year was up.  I kept going with other sports where I did get hurt and didn't quit.