Jump to content

Menu

How can I help my daughter help her friends? (possible triggers)


Tree Frog
 Share

Recommended Posts

My daughter has a couple of friends who are sometimes suicidal. Do you have any suggestions as to how she can help them? I just got off the phone with the crisis hotline in her city and they suggested a couple of things I've texted to her. She's currently with a friend who has a plan to kill himself. Is there anything she can say to help her friend? I don't think he will willingly contact anyone else, though she's suggested it. She is prepared to call the police if necessary, but I don't think she is prepared to deal with his death if he goes through with it.

 

This is kind of scrambled up, but she believes he may be a threat to himself tonight. How can I help her??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She needs to get the authorities involved. This is way too big for her to deal with.

 

You can help her by telling her to call the police. Now. Her friend needs professional help.

 

Even if he will be "mad" at her. His life and her consience are more important than the relationship at this point.

Edited by fraidycat
  • Like 13
Link to comment
Share on other sites

She needs to get the authorities involved. This is way too big for her to deal with.

 

You can help her by telling her to call the police. Now. Her friend Ineeds professional help.

I agree, she cannot take this on her own shoulders. The friend needs professional help, against his will if necessary.

 

More generally, Crisis Text Line can be a good resource for young people with mental health struggles. It works like a crisis hotline but via text not phone--which is a more comfortable way for some people to communicate.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please do not allow your daughter to be in this situation. I was in this situation. It ended up being an emotional manipulation to get me to date the guy. I told adults what was happening and there was basically no help, no reaction. I was in a relationship with this person on and off for 3 years.

 

She needs to leave and call the police.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can they?  I thought a person of legal age couldn't be forced into mental health care?

 

A person who is a threat to themselves or others can be involuntarily committed for mental health reasons for up to 72 hours in my state. The purpose is to keep the person and others who may be at risk from their behavior safe and to evaluate the person to determine if further care is needed. The 72 hour period can be extended with a court order. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tell her to call the police now if she has not done so. This should not be up to her to evaluate. When I was in college I was caught into a situation where I had no idea how to handle a perhaps similar situation. As an adult when one came up, I called the police. It made the friend mad, but was definitely the better way to go in my experience.

 

The friend sounds like he is in danger, and it also sounds like she is in danger emotionally even if not physically, and depending on what the friend has in mind, could be physical danger too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

QPR: question (i.e., ask them if they are considering/planning suicide), persuade (persuade the person to accept help if possible, or at least to not carry out a plan right then.) Refer to professional help (take them to ER, help them schedule an appointment at mental health services, etc.).

 

She would benefit from QPR training.

Edited by Ravin
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your quick replies. I've texted her that if he's suicidal, she needs to take him to the ER or call law enforcement. She knows this is bigger than she can help. 

 

 

I had a friend who was suicidal when I was in high school.  It was exhausting for me.  I also had a (different) friend who committed suicide when he went to college, and that was really hard.

 

A couple of thoughts:

 

1.) Everyone wants to say something nice about the person who is contemplating (or has) committed suicide.  It made it very hard for me because there are some parts of this that aren't nice, and the people who were there and tried to help need some validation that suicide wasn't the answer, and it isn't all better now.  Because, the people who were involved just went through a very bad thing...and suicide isn't the answer for them.  The way people can go on and on trying to comfort another person sure can make the whole thing start sounding like a good idea.  It was a very confusing time for me, and there weren't a lot of places to turn.  I wasn't suicidal, but I really needed to stop thinking about death, and about escaping.  I needed to live.

 

2.) When you are helping someone, it can be really hard to disengage, and take care of you.  I don't know exactly what that looks like because I didn't do it well, but I do know that it is very important.  Whether this individual lives or dies isn't on her, and she needs to understand she does not carry the weight of their decision.  This isn't about if she can help him enough.  This is about his individual problem.  It is really easy to get too vested in it, and your dd needs a lot of support.

 

3.) Some people use the threat of suicide for attention.  The manipulation and emotional abuse that can stem from that is truly awful.  Help your dd understand that, and don't let her become a victim.  

 

4.) The kindest thing a young person can do, is see that this problem is bigger than either one of them, and get the boy some help.  Bigger help than your dd trying to keep a person alive tonight.  It is a balance because he needs someone to trust with these big feelings...but if your dd can do a warm handoff to a person more qualified, it would be ideal.  

 

I quoted this because there are several points we've spoken about for a long while. I'm praying she won't need to worry about #1! But there is the possibility.

 

2. This is something we've talked about extensively. She is not responsible for what other people think or do. She also needs to not be overly involved and take care of herself. She's trying to balance that.

 

3. That's not the case with this particular friend. Her other friend it could be and my daughter is trying to keep her boundaries while encouraging her friend to seek help.

 

4. We've encouraged her to tell her friends to see someone who can help. In one case, she has pushed her friend to call her mom, who lives locally.

 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

QPR: question (i.e., ask them if they are considering/planning suicide), persuade (persuade the person to accept help if possible, or at least to not carry out a plan right then.) Refer to professional help (take them to ER, help them schedule an appointment at mental health services, etc.).

 

She would benefit from QPR training.

 

Thank you for putting it so succinctly. My mom told her to ask if he had a plan and was he going to put it into action. If the answer to both is yes, she should call the authorities. If either answer is no, she didn't need to. Where would one find QPR training?

 

What happened tonight was the friend met her and they went for a drive. She drove, he talked. She asked him his plan; he didn't want to share, but she pushed. When he asked why she wanted to know, she told him thinking and speaking aren't the same thing. When you say something out loud, it sounds different than when you just think it. That seemed to be the tipping point. He told her some things that made her think he was ok. He is home, she has disposed of the pills he was going to use. This young man is in counseling.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please do not allow your daughter to be in this situation. I was in this situation. It ended up being an emotional manipulation to get me to date the guy. I told adults what was happening and there was basically no help, no reaction. I was in a relationship with this person on and off for 3 years.

 

She needs to leave and call the police.

 

I hope this isn't the case, but I'll mention it to her. We've talked quite a bit about not to be too involved and to hold her boundaries. With this young man, they've agreed that if she can't talk when he needs to, she will tell him. I don't think he wants to impose on her. (He didn't want to talk to her tonight because he knew she had a lot of studying for a big test tomorrow.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for your replies. DD is trying to be a good friend while not allowing herself to be manipulated. She has told one friend outright she can't be her emotional support and encouraged her to call her family. Tonight's issue seemed much more serious for the young man. (And he doesn't have any family he can call.) I think she's prepared to call LE if necessary, even if it's against friend's wishes.

 

Where is the line between just listening and needing to call the authorities? Is it dependent on whether the person has a plan? Is there a single criteria where you know the person crossed the line and professionals need to be brought in for this situation?

 

We have encouraged DD to see a counselor to help her handle what's happening and to ensure good boundaries are kept. In her head, she knows she's not responsible if a friend commits suicide, but she would hurt if it happened. I feel so inadequate trying to provide her with resources and encouragement (keep boundaries, listen, know when to call a professional); she's dealing with a lot more than I ever have with friends.

 

(Usually I type, edit, retype again before I post. All I've written has been off the cuff, so if something feels amiss, I apologize.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been suicidal - and had a family member commit suicide.

 

just assurance that he's worth living, and no matter how bad it seems, killing himself will not make things better.  assure him she wants to help him because he's worth -and deserves to have - a happy life (intrinsically - in and of himself) - and he can help her by allowing being willing to allow others to help him.

 

she should not be bearing this burden alone (because if she tries to help him, but he manages to kill himself anyway, I fear the guilt she will feel.)  -first and foremost -  he needs professional help.

 

if he threatens to kill himself - she can call the police and they should be able to do a 72hr mandatory psychiatric hold.  (gives medical personnel opportunity to evaluate  him.)  she can talk to her jurisdiction now to know at what point she can call and get help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

when someone talks A LOT about killing themselves - I start to wonder how much is attention seeking as opposed to the depths of despair.  (people who think people don't attention seek that way are naive.)  if it's one person - I would give more credibility that it is sincere reaching out.

 

I rarely talked about wanting to kill myself - because the people whose opinion mattered sent an overwhelming message they didn't give a rat's pattootie if I was there or not. otoh - my sister was constantly making melodramatic threats to kill  herself. (yes, she needed professional help - she also later admitted to lying to therapists)  she even made one via phone call to my mother (who was out of state) and then to my face when she was in her 40s.    

 

 

eta: the belief that only people with a plan kill themselves is incorrect.  there are a significant number of successful suicides that had no prior plan.

I was suicidal - but couldn't understand why someone would leave suicide notes, except as a post-mortum attention ploy.  I also couldn't understand talking about the plans to anyone.

Edited by gardenmom5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...