Has anyone successfully slowed down life?

[lovinmyboys]

I feel like I have so much to do without enough time to get it done, but most of it is my fault. I have 4 kids and they are all in extracurriculars so our evenings are pretty booked. Since we are booked in the evenings, chores and errands get pushed to the day when we are supposed to be schooling. It is also important to me that my kids have down time and time to play with friends, so we have scheduled that in. Also, I am trying to do traditional holiday things (fall/Halloween now and Christmas soon).

 

I am feeling so stressed, but it is like I don't know how to stop it. And I feel like there is no end in sight. Once one activity ends, a new one starts. We just finished baseball season (which is my kids favorite, but also the biggest commitment), so I thought life would calm down. But the winter is shaping up to be just as busy. And in March we are right back to baseball.

 

I don't know. Maybe this is life with four kids. But getting everything done for them that they need and allowing them to do something they want is stressing me out.

 

Has anyone just quit doing things? Did it go ok? Did you feel like you found other things to keep you just as busy?

[Guest]

Yeah, man.

 

Just quit. Once this season's obligations are over, don't sign them up for anything else. Explain that your family is going to take a beat, together. Frame it like sleep, or hibernation. Minds and bodies need to reset, need to rest. If they throw a big fit about it, explain once more for posterity that it's important to rest. And if you're not getting school done you DEFINITELY need to concentrate on that! Be firm after you've explained. Your stress is telling you something is wrong. Listen to it.

[mamiof5]

Reading and taking tips as well. Can't help, as I'm exactly on the same boat (and only 3 of ours are school age/doing extracurriculars). Two year old just toddles around, being a two year old. Young adult doesn't need me as much, but she still does sometimes.

 

No words of wisdom here, just commiseration. I have been feeling the same way for a while, but instead of being able to cut something out, another activity starts in November. Ugh! 😛

[mmasc]

I understand what you mean! Keep in mind that this time of year lends itself to keeping us all even more extra-busy too. I only have 3 children and here's what helped us a LOT this semester. First, we dropped co-op. Now we have 5 days to school and I LOVE it. Now we can take a Friday off with no worries if needed or wanted. Second, each kid can only have ONE out-of-the-home activity at a time. Right now, it's football. I also worked with the organizers to request my sons all practice on T/Th or M/W. They originally had one on each. I switched one child so we weren't having a commitment on MTWTh and Sat for games.

Also, if you're just going from one seasonal sport to the next, I think it's ok to say 'No, let's try taking a 6-week break.'

I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you, but just thought I'd share what helps us. Good luck finding something that works for you and your family!

[teachermom2834]

I was in that situation. Four kids, sports, co-op, etc. Plus, most of our activities were a 30 minute commute. It was very out of hand but just hard to stop once started.

 

What happened is that we moved. We relocated and had to start back up with activities. We were much choosier about what we participated in and how far we would have to drive. We still do some things. Dd dances three times a week, co-op, teens do youth group, differents clubs that just meet monthly, 4H. One teen has a job. But everything is close to our house (10 minutes or less) and we are not traveling for sports. I always thought we needed to be busy but now that we have seen the flip side I would not go back. I realize you aren't going to move to slow down life but I did want to encourage you that you can cut back

and be OK.

 

Another thought is that things have slowed down for me as my kids got older. Kids old enough to be dropped off at an activity give you time to run an errand or run home to prep dinner. Teens that drive themselves mean you can be in for the night and in your pajama pants early 🙂

[MysteryJen]

We kept all the sports obligations and looked for situations that would make family life easier. That was a swim team that was not the greatest, but 5 minutes from our house, rec league team sports, etc. The most important thing was that eliminated all daytime things. No co-op, park days, etc. Just school at home, quiet and rest, and then the busy afterschool.

We ended up switching teams for many reasons which added significantly to driving time. But as the kids get older, they could bike to things, manage their own schedule and it got better.

 

If they love baseball, it's going to be hard. But if they love it, you can find a way.

[Zinnia]

I have 4 kids, 3 at home (one goes to public school).  Three in sports.  It *does* feel super busy.  

 

We are in a twice monthly co-op and a weekly Bible study that functions more like a co-op.  I think I'm going to drop the twice monthly one after December.  It adds a level of busy without a lot of benefit.  Everyone loves the Bible study, so even though I should drop it, I probably won't.  

 

But some of it, yes, I do think is just a lot of kids in a lot of activities.  

[nd293]

I agree, just quit. It's ok to stop for a while. We're having a period like that now. So much going on that I get periods of feeling breathless and panicked. So - no kids' activities for 6 months. One play date / social event per child each week only (kids are in school). 15 minute meals (usually take 30 minutes to cook in reality). I finished with big holiday celebrations a couple of years ago. Now we focus on making our own traditions - pizza on Christmas Eve, picnic lunch on Christmas Day (summer Christmas). More pre-purchased food for holidays, less cooking.

 

It can be done.

[TABmom]

I feel the same way and I only have 2 that are old enough for activities. i find it hard to balance, because we need that out of the house stuff. My kids need the interaction with other kids and the physical outlets. But we also need time at home to both do school and to decompress. (Actually, I think it's just me that needs to decompress- my kids seem fine with the craziness) I don't have an answer.

[BarbecueMom]

Not to discourage you, but we don't have an onslaught of activities (planned things 2-3 hours a week), we're pretty minimalist around holidays... and I feel like we rush, rush, rush through life. Doing nothing but the basics.

 

We went through a "take out and convenience meal on paper plates" phase due to health/injury issues, and it still felt like we spent 70% of our day on food - shopping, planning, prepping, cooking, eating, cleaning it all up. That's with all five of us pitching in. Who has time to do ANYTHING else??

 

I hate it and I want it to change, but it's not like we can give up things to make life move slower, because there's nothing left to give up. Except eating, which I'm fine with but apparently small children are not.

[Prairie~Phlox]

We've never done it! I think family time is important and in the end, unless they are a great athlete, don't really see the point.  I did organized sports in junior high & high school & feel no differently as an adult than had I not.  It's just not worth it.

 

 

[J-rap]

Yes, we moved to a small town where nothing was going on.  :)  Even then though, we slowly found things to do to keep us busy, but just at a more manageable rate.

 

 

[SKL]

This is a hard question, I know.  This year I slowed down some, but for the kids' health, I still try to have them do one physical activity each day.

 

Some things that worked for me:

• Ask yourself what each child's main "thing" is and prioritize that.  De-prioritize anything that isn't someone's main "thing."
• Lining up multiple activities on one day was helpful when my kids had less homework.  On Thursdays they used to do 4 different extracurriculars.  :P  That was easier than trying to be in multiple places several days per week.
• Prioritize activities that are close to home.
• Let the kids get themselves from point A to point B as much as possible.
• Consider whether any practices / conditioning could be done at home.  For example, we can practice our TKD forms at home.  The kids can do certain conditioning exercises at home.  (We still need to find the discipline to it though.)

We had to say goodbye to soccer this year.  We love soccer.  It just wasn't feasible, and I had to be the adult and just say no.  :(

[SKL]

Oh and I make use of the weekends for both academics and sports.  Whatever works.

[TechWife]

We've never done it! I think family time is important and in the end, unless they are a great athlete, don't really see the point.  I did organized sports in junior high & high school & feel no differently as an adult than had I not.  It's just not worth it.

 

 

This was us, as well. We tried soccer, but getting up at 6:30 am on a Saturday when it was my husband's only day to sleep in was for the birds. After two seasons, we decided we didn't care and quit. We prioritized my husband taking my son out to lunch on Saturdays. For eighteen years, they rarely missed a lunch date and lunch was often followed by another activity with the two of them. This was such a part of our lifestyle that it never occurred to us to schedule anything opposite. 

 

Homeschooling was a priority. If something got in the way of that, we didn't do it. That includes activities outside of school hours that make it impossible to get other, non-academic obligations taken care of, also outside of school hours. If you worked out of the home, you wouldn't be leaving the workplace to run errands, so why do that with homeschooling? 

 

It really comes down to priorities. People do what is important to them. If doing everything is important, then a family will be stressed to it's breaking point. 

[Rachel]

We don't do activities that require evenings except on occasion. My oldest is only 8 and I was worried about him being behind in sports without participating now. My wise friend who is in the hall of fame for her sport at an SEC school and is married to a college coach advised me to wait until my kids are older. Her boys only do a martial arts class which they participate in together (with mom!).

 

Our days are pretty relaxed, we are busy but a comfortable busy that gets everyone in bed on time and has the whole family eating supper together (when my husband isn't traveling). My kids did cross country and summer swim team (all on the same team) and my son does piano, lessons are in the afternoon. It's OK to say no to activities even if they are really good activities.

[Acadie]

Can you quit some or all of the winter activities? Since you're stressed right now, and baseball is a favorite, make it a priority to hibernate as the days get shorter. I know several active families who take winter off and really love it. I wish we could, but basketball is the favorite here. Hrmph!

 

Amy

[Rachel]

Oh and mornings are school at home time, we do not do other activities during that time. I do allow an occasional field trip, but I don't run errands, schedule apppintments, or answer the phone before lunch. School is my job in the mornings.

[SKL]

For the holidays, I found sanity by doing only online shopping, except for maybe a quick run for stupid stuff for the in-laws and out-laws.

 

I do minimal decorating.  Some years we bake cookies, some years we don't.  I don't worry about it.

 

Some organizations have Christmas camps that can give you a break to do other things.  MIght be worth a look.

[KungFuPanda]

Different people have different energy levels. Some need more time to do things. You have to know yourself and what you can really do on an average day. When my kids were little and we were leaving the house every day for activities, we HAD to do school in the morning. Once we left the house we never got back to it. Same for errands. It was easy to say we'd do it on a weekday to avoid crowds, then school on Saturday or in the afternoon, but that never really happened so I had to admit that wasn't a real option for us. If school is always the last priority, you're dropping the wrong ball and need to reorganize your life.

 

Your kids can still do activities, but you may need to accept the busy seasons and take some seasons off. Maybe skip enrolling them in summer activities. Or skip summer and winter. Maybe do history and/or science in the summer so your school year has a lighter load. Your goal is to homeschool efficiently and still have time for fun activities, but you don't want to default to skipping school most of the time. With four, you probably need to have some protected, sacred school hours that are never touched by regular activities.

[Soror]

We've slowed down this year. It started with the summer, I didn't sign the girls up for anything then once stuff started back I just didn't sign back up. We have 2 weekly activities that for everyone that is at the same time and place(one that is 2hrs and one that is 1.5 hrs) and just 1 activity for 1 kid(that will be dropped after Dec). I cut back school as well to build time for the kids to be just kids and me to have some breathing room. Physical activity is at home- we do walks, hikes and bike riding together(plus we do an official PE program together that is floor gymnastics skills).  I have time (nearly)every day just to do nothing. I think our culture worships busy and it is extremely unhealthy. I realized that my kids had already started on the rat race that is modern life and it didn't fit our values and it is not what I want them to think being perpetually busy is life's goal. I had a major crapload of stress this summer and it was a wake-up call. Part of the bonus of hs'ing is that my kids don't have to be in school and busy all day, I surely don't want to turn around and emulate the same busy schedule w/ hs'ing.  We work hard, we spend time enjoying the great outdoors, we eat real food, we are active, we have family time, we help others, live our faith and we have down time. 

 

It is funny because I quite often hear that kids need sports to learn work ethic, both dh and I are in leadership with youth organizations and have not found that to be true at all(the athletes in our group are no more hardworking than other kids). Our kids work hard because they know we expect them to and they have plenty of practice doing so at home. I hear that kids need sports because they need to be active- all the while kids in general are way less active than kids of the past- my kids are active because we are an active family. 

 

Anyway, kids do need some time to make friends and the activities we have kept have been the ones that have led to actual friendships(among other things). 

Edited October 26, 2016 by soror

[Scarlett]

My sister has 4 kids.   She had the two oldest in a ton of things.  Waaaaay too much.  Sister and her now XH worked full time and made a lot of money and every free minute was spent on club volleyball.  When she got divorced she pulled way back on the activities....she saw it did not really benefit her oldest two the way she had hoped and been told (oldest dd got a scholarship for volleyball....but in the end she didn't stay at that school for more than a year and she still has some loans to pay back)  I was so proud of her.....and then she and her new husband take on this business (Escape room) that takes every spare moment of their time.  She works full time still and then after work she is constantly at the business.  He finally quit his day job and works on the business full time....but it leaves so little time for family time. 

 

I just don't get it.  They already made a great living.  Why not breathe a little?

[Seasider]

I am learning to streamline things at home in order to focus on activities that are (1) urgent/necessary for the current season of life, and (2) most enriching for each family member. Three things have really helped.

 

Learning to say no to activities and projects that are good, but secondary. Look at your activities and tier them into priority groups (essential, second choice, fun extra, whatever you want to call the groups).

 

Going minimalist. Kon Marie or by whatever method floats your boat, get rid of excess stuff. Be ruthless in decluttering. Reduce time and energy necessary to maintain possessions. That time and energy is more valuable directed elsewhere.

 

Learn how to order groceries online for pickup or even home delivery. The extra bit you pay is worth it in time you can accomplish lessons at home.

 

I guess I could add more than three - reserve one day of the week for appointments and refuse to schedule dentist, etc, on any other days as much as possible - don't be afraid to conduct your schedule in an unconventional manner (optimize time how it fits your family, despite what everyone else is doing) - don't feel guilty if the kids can't pursue everything they are interested in, often interests can be pursued as young adults on their own schedule, our parents (mine anyway) didn't run us all over town and we weren't ruined because of it - learn to anticipate and prepare days ahead so that the loud cry of the unexpected urgent thing doesn't set you off course.

 

That's all I can think of at the moment, and they are pretty general. Good luck to you! I believe more people are longing to slow down than are willing to admit it.

[sassenach]

I was just thinking the other day of how tired I am of living life in 1-hour increments. Start dinner by 4, bring this kid there at 5, pick the same kid up at 6, meds for son at 7... on and on.

 

Having babies was easier.

[Caclcoca]

I feel your pain. I really wish that we had not started most of the things we are doing.  My dd LOVES swim team.  She is at the pool at least 9 hours a week.  This does not include drive time.  I keep mentioning that I want to quit and stay home some.  Save up some money to do other things.  She is horrified by the idea.  If she takes time off, she will lose her momentum and won't be able to stay in the same group she is currently in.  We have three other kids that have activities too.  I have found a little help in the form of carpooling, but that doesn't get all of us at home at the same time.  We have to get school done during the day, so errands get pushed to late night and weekends.  

 

OP, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Sharpie]

This year we have done just that.  Due to several factors, we decided we needed less craziness in our lives due to rushing here & there.  We stopped coop and all outside activities except for one per child.  It's been so nice!!  We eat meals together as a family, we get school done daily and my kids even tell me frequently, "Isn't it nice there's no rush-fest?!"  That's their version of the chaotic rush to get out of the house to said activity of prior years. 

 

There are times I have twinges of concern because my kids aren't around others like they used to be.  However, it is what it is and for sanity purposes it was needed.  We are very rural so it's always been more of a challenge than many to even find activities for the kids.  The activities that were chosen are all evening activities and they do not go year round.  In another few weeks, we will be only gone one evening per week.  At this point, it has been a blessing. 

[Bluegoat]

I've had some sucess.  This year especially I tried to calm things down in anticipation of the new baby.  A big factor has been choosing things that don't require much from us.

 

We now only have one evening a week with activities that require driving - my girls go to piano lesson at 3 and they and their brother go to choir at 5:30.  Since they all are in choir, that really is time well spent, and it is also why dd8 carried on with piano this year rather than switching to guitar.  Which is to say, grouping kids in the same activity can work well.  For us, I suspect dd will be in a separate music lesson next year, but for other activities it can be very effective to do this - I have friends where the whole family is in the same martial arts class so they can be active and also not have too much running around.  Since being active isn't seen as part of some attempt to become professional athletes or anything like that, it's much easier to look at different options based on what would be efficient.  So - I think it helps to keep some perspective on what the activity is for.

 

My eldest, dd11, has violin twice a week at 5:15, but I've told her that we expect her to walk - it's about 20 min and I think it's good for her to have that independence anyway.

 

My dd8 is taking a short skating class but gets a ride with her friend.  They are happy to do this, but since it is very cheap we could also have paid her for her trouble.  Taking the class was really dependent on having that transportation offered.  Also - we will only do one term, from October to Christmas.

 

Being active doesn't have to happen through a class.  A kid who will play out with friends or alone may not need a sport type activity.

 

My son has one Saturday ballet class, which he needs to be taken to as he is only 6.  In the past we've avoided Saturday commitments as we wanted to be able to do family things.  Revising that has been a good choice though and made the evenings much better - we can go to ballet after a stop at the farmer's market.  Also, we chose a studio within walking distance, so if he carries on with dance he will not need to be driven.  Even now he could walk with his sister if necessary.

 

Dd11 wanted to do chess club, but had to be willing to get the bus to the library if it was inconvenient  for us to drive her.  It's also ok to miss on occasion and free.

 

In the summer, we do two weeks of free swim lessons, and that is it for class type activities.  The might do a camp for a week or one-off events.  This has cut out a lot of summer sport teams, which is too bad but on the other and, they really tie us down when we would like to be relaxed and able to be spontaneous.  So we come out of the summer feeling refreshed rather than harried.

 

We ended up saying no this year to some things this year, which was hard - guitar lessons, karate, extra dance classes, Nature Guardian's Club.  Either for time or for the Nature Guardians excessive driving time.  All of them are worthwhile, but they would have made for a lot of rushing around.

[teachermom2834]

Sports are a killer. Dh and I both played sports in high school and oldest ds is currently a college athlete. My kids love watching sports and playing outside and I always thought we would be a sports family forever. But we are done except the college kid. The time, drama, constant schedule changes,delays, late nights, traveling to away games, dangerous weather situations, expense, etc etc. We are done.

 

We don't miss it at all. So much time, money, and margin back in our lives. I also think the qualities touted as learned in sports are overblown. I just haven't seen that necessarily.

 

Now, for my first kid who was very driven and gifted I would do it all again. But sports for all kids? Nah. Not worth it in my book.

[The Governess]

I only have two, but it's hard. One is a competitive gymnast and one is an aspiring ballerina. Their activities have us out of the house four evenings a week and most Saturdays. They both love what they do and we see huge benefits from their participation, so we make it work. But we have had to be creative in simplifying other things in our lives in order to do so. We speed clean the house, have play dates/friend time only on the weekends, and have designated family nights that we protect carefully. We divide and conquer - I do the evening driving, dh makes dinner, the girls clean up. It is a lot of work, but we also enjoy it. We have become close to some of the families that we have met through these activities, I like the volunteer work that I do, and we really are invested. I feel like these things are part of our lives now, and part of who our girls are, and that gives us the positive energy to do them. Without that sense I think it would all feel very tedious and "too busy."

[Tess in the Burbs]

I think we all go through seasons like this until we finally figure out the balance we want/need and learn to say no.  

 

When we moved 2 years ago we were too late to the game for any sports.  Both kids ended up scouts instead.  We added in sports that next year and suddenly we went from very little to too much!  We continued this way into the next year.  But due to circumstances, I had to say no to almost everything this year.  SO 1 kid is doing scouts(I lead this) and piano.  Other kid nothing.  They do volunteer with Awana at church but that was me encouraging service, not their choice, although they do enjoy it now.  

 

I love being home multiple nights a week.  I love being bored.  I love seeing them be bored.  It's been good for our family to have this much downtime.  And while the 1 kid needs an activity, we haven't found the right fit yet.  We are looking.  

 

I think it's healthy to have downtime.  We would have super busy years, then a less busy year.  It took me awhile to get more consistent with our time.  Not being busy has been good for us.  We don't mind the busy days now.  It doesn't wear us out b/c we have time to refresh physically and mentally.  And I can say no better now.  

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited November 5, 2016 by cathey

[mommyoffive]

If you want a break, take it. 

 

WE did this summer on request of the kids.  They wanted to do nothing but swim team and lessons.  It was odd for me because I try to get them to do everything.   But it also was really nice.  We stayed up late instead of stressing because they had to be at summer school at 8 am. 

 

We also usually have breaks btwn things.  Usually everything was done before Christmas sometimes even before Thanksgiving and wouldn't start again until Jan or Feb.

But now they are into swim team and there are not as many breaks for that.  The next one is in March.  Although I would love to quit for Jan-March.  I just dont want to deal with swimming with littles and freezing weather.

 

 

Honestly I love both.  I love being busy.  Although it is stressful.  

I also love when we have weeks of nothing to do.  Just stay home.  Go wherever we want.  

After a few months of being busy, I want a break.  After a few weeks of nothing I want to be busy again.  

 

I think they both have value.

 

When you stay home you have more down time.  Pursue your interests.  Explore.  Play outside.

 

When you are busy you are able to build skills on things you might not be able to do at home.   

Edited October 26, 2016 by mommyoffive