Death of a classmate at college (triggers obviously)

[Joules]

Please don't quote

 

I'm processing this myself and just trying to figure out what to do for ds.  He seems OK by text.  Counselors came to his class and there have been plenty of e-mails from administrators sharing information about the counseling center.  I want to drive down there and hug him.

 

I'll delete details, but the young man killed himself in a very dramatic way in the middle of campus after class.  I knew about the death, but it's a campus of 30,000 students, so it didn't occur to me that it would be a student in ds's little 20 person small group freshman class.  Ds didn't know him well, but others in class did.  They've only been there 8 weeks :-(

 

What have y'all done when your kids are faced with tragedy the first time after leaving the nest?

 

 

Edited October 24, 2016 by Joules

[Laurel-in-CA]

My dd had a close friend from her tiny art school killed in a traffic accident right outside of the school, while she was in class. I know the school had people to talk w/the students, she visited her friend in hospital (unconscious), the school named a memorial garden after her. We talked on the phone a lot, prayed together, and lots of prayer on dd's behalf.. But still my dd experienced a spiritual crisis, anger at God, anger at other people (especially the driver of the car) and it took a couple of years for her to process it.  I hope your son is able to talk with people who will help him work through this.

[Starr]

Go with your gut. Drive down and see him even if it's only for a few hours.  :grouphug:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

This breaks my heart. If you want to go see your son, go see him. Give him a big hug and spend some "I love you" time together. 

 

I'm thinking of the mom who will never be able to see her son again. I can only imagine her pain. 

[Joules]

 

 

I'm thinking of the mom who will never be able to see her son again. I can only imagine her pain. 

 

I know...I can't even imagine...

[Nan in Mass]

We,ve gone to visit. We brought the dog. Bringing the dog is my best suggestion. We,ve done what we could to try to make sure the student stayed connected to and part of the family. We,ve encouraged siblings to check on them. We communicated at least once a day, but tried to do this in a way that made things better rather than worse. For our family, that means not talking about the tradgedy unless the student brought it up, listening carefully so we could tell if the communication needed to be short or long, and not asking how the student was or how things were going, since they might not want to talk about not feeling fine and they don,t want to lie.

 

Hugs,

Nan

 

Eta - It's really hard. But hard as it is, I think it is important to work out how to support your children in an adult to adult way, at a distance. If you can figure it out, you have a better chance of staying close even as a family of adults all doing their own thing.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Nan in Mass

[bettyandbob]

Go with your gut. Drive down and see him even if it's only for a few hours. :grouphug:

This.

 

I just went to my DD last weekend. She had sent me a text that was concerning to me. So I went. I took her to Target and dinner. She had a meeting after that. I got a room in a nice hotel close to campus. I told her she didn't have to stay with me, but I wanted to take her to brunch. She called me very late and asked to stay with me. Turns out a night on a good mattress was a good lure. She also liked having the shower all to herself.

 

I didn't talk much about what brought me down. It was a good break for DD and she got to be reminded that I am available when she needs me.

[Ann.without.an.e]

This.

 

I just went to my DD last weekend. She had sent me a text that was concerning to me. So I went. I took her to Target and dinner. She had a meeting after that. I got a room in a nice hotel close to campus. I told her she didn't have to stay with me, but I wanted to take her to brunch. She called me very late and asked to stay with me. Turns out a night on a good mattress was a good lure. She also liked having the shower all to herself.

 

I didn't talk much about what brought me down. It was a good break for DD and she got to be reminded that I am available when she needs me.

 

 

This is good.  It reminds me of the article about being the wall that our kids can swim too.  It is a good read.  Maybe I'll post it in a separate thread.  Thanks for sharing.

[Joules]

Thanks all, it feels better just to hear others' thoughts.  I ended up not going down there.  We've been texting a good bit, and he is very busy with classes.  I'm going down to get him for the weekend on Friday.

[Guest]

Here they had grief counselors and clergy. A crime had resulted in the death, so it was helpful to know immediately that the PD were on the scene and the perp was not at large.

 

My sons lost a friend in high school; the pastor was fantastic and his words helped many of the youth. The thing that affected them the most was the teacher that ignored the death and gave a test the morning the death was public. I transferred my kid out of that class, as he was just staring at his deceased buddy's empty spot. Thankfully the two other classes he had with the friend had more experienced teachers, and they and all coaches gave the students time to mourn and regain their composure.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Heigh Ho