Talking to homeschooling parents of typically developing children

[Cake and Pi]

I feel so awkward.  What do you say?  How to you participate in homeschool related conversations with other parents?

 

A fellow homeschool mom I've become friends with has 3 kids and they are right where they're supposed to be academically.  She's made comments about how I'm "on top of things" and "doing an amazing job" teaching my boys.  The way she says it makes me feel really uncomfortable.  It's like she's implying that because my kids are working grade levels ahead I must be a better teacher than her, which is very much not the case.  She is just as good at teaching her kids as I am at teaching mine.  In some ways I consider her teaching superior because she does a lot more crafty and fun activities and seems to have a much higher threshold for frustrating behavior.  I am such a boring, utilitarian instructor.  I don't know how to respond when she says stuff like this though.  My kids aren't excelling because of me.  They're ahead because they are gifted and I'm able to offer a steady flow of input.  We don't work any harder than the average homeschooling family.  If anything I think we spend less time on school.  My 3rd grader does school work about 2 hours per day, 3-4 days per week.

 

We're part of a homeschooling charter program and I meet other parents in the program often.  Other parents have younger kids who are supposed to start K next year like I do, and I don't feel like I can even kind of participate in their conversations.  I just sit back and listen.  I feel left out and also kind of rude for listening in.  I really want to join in; I just don't know how.  I don't really feel like we have anything in common past our kids' ages.  I don't want to talk about what we're doing because I don't want other parents to feel inadequate or take my comments as braggary (if that's not a real word it ought to be, lol).

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I only have one person IRL who I can honestly talk to about my 10yr old daughter. This person is just one of those amazing human beings that accepts and respects everyone for who they are. I can share our successes without feeling like I'm bragging, and I can discuss our challenges and really feel supported.

 

Other people have made snarky comments here and there and I think it reflects their own personal insecurities, as opposed to really being anything about us. I try to let it wash over me.

 

I've also come up with a few ready responses for common discussions eg maths just really clicks for her, she's really passionate about ___ right now.

But I don't ever initiate any discussions about curricula, levels, current topics etc. I'm not going to open that can of worms unnecessarily.

 

The hardest thing I've had to deal with is the fact that my daughter has so little in common with the kids of these adults. She much prefers to chat to adults. This throws some adults at first. 

 

 

 

 

[HomeAgain]

Unless people know us well, I stay vague.  "this is our curriculum."  "When my kid was starting to read we did X.."

 

I keep out ages, grade levels, etc. mostly because of all the variety out there and also because it's really not important to tell them. 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I had a tricky situation once, where the family also used LoF and I was specifically asked which book we were up to.

 

What can you do? Lie?

I answered honestly and added my stock standard 'maths just kinda clicks for her' or 'she's really into maths at the moment' but got a snarky 'oh yeah, but she's some sort of genius isn't she?' Uh, no, she just happens to enjoy and understand maths. 

 

Like I said above, I will never initiate anything like this, but what can you do if someone else does and asks specific questions?? Very tricky indeed.

 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I had a tricky situation once, where the family also used LoF and I was specifically asked which book we were up to.

 

What can you do? Lie?

I answered honestly and added my stock standard 'maths just kinda clicks for her' or 'she's really into maths at the moment' but got a snarky 'oh yeah, but she's some sort of genius isn't she?' Uh, no, she just happens to enjoy and understand maths. 

 

Like I said above, I will never initiate anything like this, but what can you do if someone else does and asks specific questions?? Very tricky indeed.

 

If somebody wants to know what level your child is studying, you don't have to answer. You could say something like, "She's not behind in any way; she's working at her own pace and it's going well," and refuse to get specific. Change the subject. Deflect. If they ask you why you won't tell them which book, ask them why they want to know!

 

It helps me to remember that public schooled children only ever have to answer what grade they're in. Our kids have some right to privacy, too, if we are unsure of the motive when people start asking a lot of questions.

[Dmmetler]

I tend to say "when we did X, we used Y"- I just don't explain DD's age at the time. That works with parents of younger kids. It'/ a little ackward with parents of kids DD's age who are discussing Algebra books, though.

[quark]

I listen more and talk less. I encourage a lot. I say things like "that's great" and "I'm really happy for you" because well, I am. It always warms my heart to see kids working hard. Not ideal for myself but it makes me feel less like I am bragging (I hate that feeling) and more like I am helping someone with their concerns. If anyone asks, like dmmetler, I don't mention age or full extent of what kiddo does. You get used to it after a while. 

 

I know it can get lonely but you can come here to share your own stories. :001_smile:

[SeaConquest]

I feel so awkward. What do you say? How to you participate in homeschool related conversations with other parents?

 

A fellow homeschool mom I've become friends with has 3 kids and they are right where they're supposed to be academically. She's made comments about how I'm "on top of things" and "doing an amazing job" teaching my boys. The way she says it makes me feel really uncomfortable. It's like she's implying that because my kids are working grade levels ahead I must be a better teacher than her, which is very much not the case. She is just as good at teaching her kids as I am at teaching mine. In some ways I consider her teaching superior because she does a lot more crafty and fun activities and seems to have a much higher threshold for frustrating behavior. I am such a boring, utilitarian instructor. I don't know how to respond when she says stuff like this though. My kids aren't excelling because of me. They're ahead because they are gifted and I'm able to offer a steady flow of input. We don't work any harder than the average homeschooling family. If anything I think we spend less time on school. My 3rd grader does school work about 2 hours per day, 3-4 days per week.

 

We're part of a homeschooling charter program and I meet other parents in the program often. Other parents have younger kids who are supposed to start K next year like I do, and I don't feel like I can even kind of participate in their conversations. I just sit back and listen. I feel left out and also kind of rude for listening in. I really want to join in; I just don't know how. I don't really feel like we have anything in common past our kids' ages. I don't want to talk about what we're doing because I don't want other parents to feel inadequate or take my comments as braggary (if that's not a real word it ought to be, lol).

I get this a lot. People think I'm on top of things because my oldest is ahead. But, I've actually taken the direct approach. I tell people specifically that it's him -- that he is the gifted one -- and that it is not because of something I've done. I usually share that I was a reluctant homeschooler, but that this kid forced my hand.

 

It helps, on some level, to have a younger son who is struggling because it again forces it to be about them, and just who they are, what they need, etc. vs. me bragging. That way, people are more likely to share in each child's individual successes and milestones vs. feeling defensive or behind.

 

I'm mobile, so probably not articulating this well. I've found that people who truly care about you and your children will not feel threatened by being honest.

[Tanaqui]

With the woman who praises your teaching, I suggest you just say "Thank you", compliment her in exchange, and then change the subject.

 

As for the second, I know the feeling! Not necessarily in this area, but there's always some area where your kid is the exception, right? Other people have given you some great advice - stick to "When we did that, we did this" and be really careful about sharing when, exactly, your kids learned to read or mastered long division or whatever.

 

If people try to corner you on what level your kid is working on, they're being the rude ones. It's okay to say "I prefer not to share that information" and leave it at that. That's perfectly polite.

[Mike in SA]

We say as little as possible.  We often hear, "so-and-so is in the 6th grade" at 10 years old,  because they are starting to use middle school books or something.  When they ask what grade DS is in, we say "fourth."  They don't need to know that his fourth grade curriculum includes honors physics, et al.

 

We don't have to say, "mind your own business" or anything along those lines, because they're so happy to hear how great they are doing.  We're fine with that.  They are doing well.

 

Even DS plays along.  He has appropriate outlets whenever he needs or wants them.

[IsabelC]

I think that conversation should always be a two way street. When you are speaking with another adult, both of you have the same responsibility to keep the conversation running reasonably smoothly and comfortably. (I.e. it shouldn't be like talking to a small child, where you have to take most of the conversational burden and ignore inappropriate remarks while working hard to avoid offending them.) So with somebody who wants to discuss home education, you should certainly make a reasonable effort not to brag too much or put them down. But 'reasonable' doesn't mean tying yourself in knots to avoid mentioning that your dc is gifted and/or accelerated. If you happen to let slip that your 5th grader does high school work, and I get all upset because my 5th grader struggles with grade level work, that is me being oversensitive and it's not your fault. As I have both giftedness and LDs in my family, I have been on both 'sides' of that sort of conversation on many occasions, and I honestly think that it's not just up to the parents of accelerated kids to avoid awkwardness, but also up to the other parents to develop a thicker skin and remember that all parents should be able to talk about the joys and challenges of raising their dc.

Edited October 16, 2016 by IsabelC

[SparklyUnicorn]

I rarely said much of anything (in the past tense because I rarely meet up with homeschoolers anymore). 

 

Many many years ago when someone discovered my kid was reading at an earlier age than average she asked me what my secret was and which program I used that worked so magically.  Uhhh....  I suppose that's not the craziest question ever, but I really had not used any magical anything.

 

Another person once said to me something like, "Don't tell me you are another one of these homeschoolers who has a kid working years ahead."  Ok..so I didn't.  But what the frack?! 

 

LOL..what can ya do? 

 

But that said, most homeschoolers I encounter(ed) rarely talked about academics at all.  Not quite sure what to make of that.  Either they just didn't want to talk about it or they weren't doing any academics.  I really do not know. 

[Runningmom80]

I just read this article and thought of this post. It's not exactly what you are talking about but it's on the topic of feeling judged as a parent and how to handle it. http://www.judymouland.com/blog/stop-judging-mesome-kids-are-harder-than-others2016419

Edited October 16, 2016 by Runningmom80

[Garga]

My kids are smart, but not gifted or advanced. They're on the traditional schedule of age-grade.

 

When I am around people whose kids are gifted, I feel a moment of wishing my kids were, too, just so that school would be an easier part of our day. I don't enjoy having to egg on my kids to do their work or watch them struggle to learn something. I'd like for them to leap out of bed and run to the books and get through them effortlessly so we could all spend our afternoons doing something besides school.

 

And then I check myself and let it go. Really, it's not their problem if I wish my kids were more advanced. And, actually, when I sit back and listen to the people whose kids are advanced, they also have problems and struggles. They might not be the same as mine, but they're there. It's not all roses.

 

When I've been around people with advanced kids, I've seen them close up because they don't want to offend. They'll answer any questions thrown their way with short, to the point answers and don't elaborate. I start to worry that I've created an atmosphere in the conversation that has made them feel guarded, which is never my intention. I'd rather deal with my own twinges of unease if I catch myself comparing kids, than watch them close up around me and guard everything they say.

 

Yes, it's a tricky problem. I'd say, answer the questions asked, allow the person the space to readjust their thinking or deal with any surprise to your answers, and maintain an air of quiet confidence. I wouldn't jump through hoops to deflect or demur. Unfortunately, you may never be able to have a meaty conversation and share any struggles you have, because there will be little common ground, but you also need not walk on eggshells either.

[Garga]

For the OP, I'd tell your friend,

 

"Yes, Suzie is doing really well and we're proud of her, but I feel uncomfortable with your comments. I'm not working any harder than you are, and in some areas, less. Things just come easily to Suzie. Thank you for encouraging me with your words, but it makes me uneasy to see you think I'm working harder than you are."

[Guest]

I was taught to receive compliments- even forced, fake, or barbed ones- with grace.

 

And I mean taught. Made to practice. Drilled. So on and so forth. [excellent grandma!]

 

I know I am biased, but I so still believe that is the best course of action. For a lot of reasons, but foremost in these types of situations is the fact that it just moves the conversation along. Secondly, if I stop and dwell on the unfair premise in those statements, it opens up room to be interpreted as looking down on the choices of other people.

 

Now, it's true that some people choose to feel looked-down-upon regardless of what transpires, but if I've done my best not to let that happen with the tools I personally have, then my conscience is clear ykwim?

 

But basically, smile, acknowledge, verbally appreciate the compliment (even if it's  cover for an insult) and move on.

[Guest]

She's made comments about how I'm "on top of things" and "doing an amazing job" teaching my boys.

 

 

Smile. "Thanks! I'm working on it, anyway. I appreciate the encouragement. Last week I read....have you read it? So good!"

 

As for the other charter school kids, give compliments. Answer questions straightforwardly. I mean just be yourself. Yourself is probably perfectly nice, right? You can not control the reactions of other people! So they are not your responsibility. If at all possible, use those beginning chats to find other things to talk about besides the kids.

[Pawz4me]

Whenever anyone (fellow homeschooler or not) commented on my teaching skills I just acknowledged the comment ("Yes, he does quite well in math/reading/on the SAT/whatever" and then redirected the conversation. In doing the redirecting I tried to do so by complimenting that person's kids, their parenting or something their kid(s) was involved in. It's not usually difficult to find something to compliment someone about. Everybody has their strengths and areas in which they excel.

Edited October 16, 2016 by Pawz4me

[SparklyUnicorn]

 

When I am around people whose kids are gifted, I feel a moment of wishing my kids were, too, just so that school would be an easier part of our day. I don't enjoy having to egg on my kids to do their work or watch them struggle to learn something. I'd like for them to leap out of bed and run to the books and get through them effortlessly so we could all spend our afternoons doing something besides school.

 

 

I don't think gifted is about not ever struggling. 

[HomeAgain]

I was chuckling last night thinking of this conversation.  A new homeschooling friend wants to get our 6yos together each week to do classes together - keep them both engaged and occupied.  The activity she proposed was so out of sync with what my 6yo is doing that it took me quite a while to think of a response that a) would not put any sort of comparison between the two boys and b) would still keep the dialogue open because I'd love for him to have a playmate once a week as a steady thing.

[Garga]

I don't think gifted is about not ever struggling.

 

Yes, I know that. In my post I was laying out my initial thoughts: "Oh, I wish my kids could blaze through their work without any struggle ever..."

 

Later in the post I said that once I stop and listen and put on my thinking hat, I find out that gifted kids have issues as well but I didn't take the time to try to list anything in my post because that would be presumptuous. But, yes, struggling to learn things is also something that gifted/advanced kids may or may not do just like anyone else.

 

My point was that at first, yes, people might have that twinge of jealousy. But give them time to get over it and move on. They'll soon figure out that we're all more alike than different. No need to try to pander to one's audience too much. Let them exclaim, "Reading! At age 3! What?!" "In algebra in 3rd grade? Huh?" Let them adjust to the surprise. And if they don't, then that's a different problem at that point, and still not the problem of the gifted kid's parent.

Edited October 16, 2016 by Garga

[Dmmetler]

I will also say that it depends on where you are in the relationship. If we're at a homeschool monthly meeting and someone who I don't know well asks "what reading program did you use to teach your child to read?", I'm not gong to answer "I didn't-she taught herself before she could walk, and since then it's just been throwing books in front of her, because she somehow managed to also intuit phonics and is a natural speller". I'll say something like "have you found the Florida Center for Reading Research site yet? They have really awesome activities for PK-5th grade reading, just print and use!".

 

If someone has known us long enough, either one of two things happens. If they're really uncomfortable with DD being advanced, they often start to avoid us. Ironically, this tends to happen with people who have kids who really are quite bright and often were ID'd GT. Or they've also seen the emotional intensity side and recognized the social struggles, and realized that, yes, I may have ideas on what a smart kid who likes math would enjoy for pre-algebra, but I definitely don't have all the answers.

[Tsutsie]

I have learned over the years that I can't really share. I will steer the conversation so that it focusses completely on what the other parent wants/needs to talk about and leave my son out of it. I went through a stage where I downplayed my son's accomplishments, even in front of him :( Something I read on these boards made me realize that it's completely unfair and that I should find another way of handling praise. Now I smile, nod and say "thank you."

 

What I find especially sad is that I can't have this conversation with the lady I consider my best friend, who is a few years ahead of me and from whom I have learned a lot. When I try on the odd occasion, she severely downplays DS's work - eg. saying that Jetta's physics class is at a regular 8th-grade level, so is AoPS Intermediate. Now I just smile, and spend hours listening to her woes and triumphs. 

 

Even within a group of gifted learners our DL school has formed, I still feel alone and unable to really talk. I stand there and listen to the other moms sharing freely and feeling safe to do so, but I am nervous that if I do, I will be perceived as the bragging parent, trying to best all. 

 

I read an article titled "I see you, Poppy Parent" and it made me tear-up. I wish I had a person say this to me, while really understanding the troubles and struggles that go along with it. Especially when DS was younger.

 

Anyway, long story short - I just don't share any more. 

[Mike in SA]

I have learned over the years that I can't really share. I will steer the conversation so that it focusses completely on what the other parent wants/needs to talk about and leave my son out of it. I went through a stage where I downplayed my son's accomplishments, even in front of him :( Something I read on these boards made me realize that it's completely unfair and that I should find another way of handling praise. Now I smile, nod and say "thank you."

 

What I find especially sad is that I can't have this conversation with the lady I consider my best friend, who is a few years ahead of me and from whom I have learned a lot. When I try on the odd occasion, she severely downplays DS's work - eg. saying that Jetta's physics class is at a regular 8th-grade level, so is AoPS Intermediate. Now I just smile, and spend hours listening to her woes and triumphs. 

 

Even within a group of gifted learners our DL school has formed, I still feel alone and unable to really talk. I stand there and listen to the other moms sharing freely and feeling safe to do so, but I am nervous that if I do, I will be perceived as the bragging parent, trying to best all. 

 

I read an article titled "I see you, Poppy Parent" and it made me tear-up. I wish I had a person say this to me, while really understanding the troubles and struggles that go along with it. Especially when DS was younger.

 

Anyway, long story short - I just don't share any more. 

 

I wish this weren't necessary, but we've found it to be the same way.  There are a handful of individuals with whom we share, but for the rest - including friends (and family!) - we've learned it's best not to introduce opportunities for awkwardness. 

 

I do appreciate Garga's perspective, and am inclined to feel the same way, but the other parties to the conversation generally are not.  Yes, that's not our problem, unless we want to remain friends or at least on good social terms.  Because we prize consideration for others, it does become our problem.  I wish it weren't so, but as far as problems go, this one is not the worst one to have, either.

[Garga]

I wish this weren't necessary, but we've found it to be the same way.  There are a handful of individuals with whom we share, but for the rest - including friends (and family!) - we've learned it's best not to introduce opportunities for awkwardness. 

 

I do appreciate Garga's perspective, and am inclined to feel the same way, but the other parties to the conversation generally are not.  Yes, that's not our problem, unless we want to remain friends or at least on good social terms.  Because we prize consideration for others, it does become our problem.  I wish it weren't so, but as far as problems go, this one is not the worst one to have, either.

 

 

I am saddened to hear that you guys go through this.  I am understanding more now why I see people clam up when they have gifted kids and get those guarded looks on their faces.  Maybe next time I'll flat out say, "I'm not going to make you feel bad or think you're bragging if you want to talk."  

Edited October 16, 2016 by Garga

[Clemsondana]

I find that a lot of homeschooling talk is about school issues, rather than school subjects.  I can often have a conversation about what to do when my student is frustrated, or bored, or doesn't want to write, and it doesn't matter so much what the grade level of the work is - one student may be frustrated by decimals while another is frustrated with factoring algebraic equations, but we might need to do the same thing to help frustrated 10 year old boys.  There are also times when we can talk about a specific curriculum and it doesn't matter that the children aren't doing the same grade - I can talk about Singapore math, even though my older child is now finished with it.  And, with homeschooling you can't fit in everything that you'd like to do.  Other folks are often doing something that we're not, so I can ask about that - Where do you get your ideas for those art projects?  Do you use a guide to talk about poetry or do you just read?  What field trips have you enjoyed?   When and how do you learn typing?  How did you decide what foreign language to try?  What extracurriculars do you do?  As students get older, there are required subjects like typing, state history, and personal finance (a requirement in our state for high schoolers) that don't really have advanced levels - most people just pick something and do it - and those can also be common ground. 

[Tsutsie]

I find that a lot of homeschooling talk is about school issues, rather than school subjects.  I can often have a conversation about what to do when my student is frustrated, or bored, or doesn't want to write, and it doesn't matter so much what the grade level of the work is - one student may be frustrated by decimals while another is frustrated with factoring algebraic equations, but we might need to do the same thing to help frustrated 10 year old boys.  

 

I don't feel that I can even share "issues" because it mostly comes down to "maybe if you required less, you would not be having this issue." Or "you should try MUS instead of AoPS" or something similar.  I have had people look at me as if I have two heads when trying to explain that dealing with boredom and repetitive work is emotionally more draining than dealing with a "hard" subject area. Like it is completely unfathomable. 

 

Or when DS refused to write pages and pages of science terminology/definitions and draw pictures for each definition for an outsourced class when he would rather learn the math behind the concepts and delve deeper into the topics than just memorize definitions word for word. The teacher could not understand this, nor could the other parents relate to our frustration. Their response was that he should simply "suck it up and do the work."

 

I also feel judged and questioned when I sign him up for an "older" field trip. Half of the time the answer is simply "no, he is to young to attend," or I get confused looks from the parents with high schoolers. (It changes when my son is better behaved, focussed and engaged than the rest of the class.)

[Cake and Pi]

My kids are smart, but not gifted or advanced. They're on the traditional schedule of age-grade.

 

When I am around people whose kids are gifted, I feel a moment of wishing my kids were, too, just so that school would be an easier part of our day. I don't enjoy having to egg on my kids to do their work or watch them struggle to learn something. I'd like for them to leap out of bed and run to the books and get through them effortlessly so we could all spend our afternoons doing something besides school.

 

And then I check myself and let it go. Really, it's not their problem if I wish my kids were more advanced. And, actually, when I sit back and listen to the people whose kids are advanced, they also have problems and struggles. They might not be the same as mine, but they're there. It's not all roses.

 

When I've been around people with advanced kids, I've seen them close up because they don't want to offend. They'll answer any questions thrown their way with short, to the point answers and don't elaborate. I start to worry that I've created an atmosphere in the conversation that has made them feel guarded, which is never my intention. I'd rather deal with my own twinges of unease if I catch myself comparing kids, than watch them close up around me and guard everything they say.

 

Yes, it's a tricky problem. I'd say, answer the questions asked, allow the person the space to readjust their thinking or deal with any surprise to your answers, and maintain an air of quiet confidence. I wouldn't jump through hoops to deflect or demur. Unfortunately, you may never be able to have a meaty conversation and share any struggles you have, because there will be little common ground, but you also need not walk on eggshells either.

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective on this, and thank you for being so open minded!

 

I have to tell you though, since we're being open, that teaching gifted kids is rarely as easy or simple as it sounds like it should be.  You would think that there would be this effortless, steady flow of what they're "supposed" to learn into them, that they would just absorb all the necessary subjects easily and that would be the end of it, but that has not been our experience.  Now, I may have a particularly neurodiverse group of kids (two 2e, one globally moderately accelerated, one special needs globally delayed), and we have SPD, dysgraphia, ADHD, etc in play as well as the giftedness, but I don't think our situation is all that unusual.  

 

If I give them only age-grade appropriate content, they rebel and refuse to do the work.  If I offer material that is too challenging they can can buckle under their own perfectionist tendencies into sobbing blobs on the floor and take hours (or longer!) to recover.  They have a drive to learn, but only about what they have decided to be interested in.  Everything else can easily become a battle.  First I have to convince them that they have a reason to learn the material, and then I have to argue with them over every little thing every step of the way.  

 

As an example, when I was trying to teach the greater-than and less-than symbols to DS#2, I told him the same thing I had been told in school and what I had told DS#1 back when we covered the topic.  I said that the symbols are like hungry alligators; they like to eat the biggest number.  DS#2 refused to believe that this is how the symbols worked or to use them correctly because, as he informed me, alligators eat whatever comes closest to them and is convenient to catch, not what's biggest, and besides, this particular "alligator" wouldn't eat either of the numbers anyway since there was no water for the "alligator" to drag the number under to kill it.  I swear that kid picks apart everything I say looking for holes, exceptions, and inaccuracies.  It can be so, so frustrating.  

 

I obviously cannot speak for all families, but I think it's safe to say that every child brings their own strengths and challenges.  I think there is, unfortunately, this pervasive association between "gifted" and "better" in our society.  Anyone with a mix of gifted and not gifted or special needs and not special needs kids will wholeheartedly attest that a person is so much more than their IQ.  Smarter does not equal better, more lovable, easier, or even always more successful.  I wish there was a different word besides "gifted" to describe kids with cognitive strengths because I really do believe that every child has gifts and is a gift to society.  

[Cake and Pi]

I just read this article and thought of this post. It's not exactly what you are talking about but it's on the topic of feeling judged as a parent and how to handle it. http://www.judymouland.com/blog/stop-judging-mesome-kids-are-harder-than-others2016419

 

Thanks for sharing this article.  It's actually incredibly pertinent and well timed for what we're working through with my 2e 7yo in public school.  

[quark]

I am saddened to hear that you guys go through this.  I am understanding more now why I see people clam up when they have gifted kids and get those guarded looks on their faces.  Maybe next time I'll flat out say, "I'm not going to make you feel bad or think you're bragging if you want to talk."  

 

That is very thoughtful. Thank you. I hope others show you the same willingness to not judge.

[HomeAgain]

I'm sure you won't say anything as dumb as I did in similar situations.

 

My experience as the mom of bright/talented kids (never tested, so uncomfortable with calling them gifted) is that I focused way too much on their needs at the expense of realizing that 'average' kids have things to offer.

 

Well, that got remedied now I have an average kid. And I've been on the other side of remarks like 'I think the boys are just at different levels.' aka you son isn't smart enough for mine but I like you, so I don't want to hurt your feelings by saying that.

 

Sure, doing (some) classes together might not work out...but friendship can. I  wish that I had been encouraged to see the value in my 'average' friends (loyalty, caring, able to take healthy risks in non-academic areas, respectful, supportive), that I had encouraged my girls to actively appreciate their 'average' friends, and that my friends were encouraging their children to appreciate my 'average' child's qualities. 

 

~

 

Re the conversation on grade level, it's a two way street. Both parties need to be sensitive, and both parties need to own their reactions. I have received a lot of grace from moms of 'average; kids, when I've been an idiot, and I could kiss the feet of a mom of a gifted child when they extend the same.

 

 

I hope it came out right - I told her that I didn't think pairing them for that subject was the best idea, but I'd love to get together and brainstorm to see what we could come up with.  In the meantime, would she like to borrow some things we're not currently using, that are all self correcting activities? (since the main issue was keeping her youngest on track and not distracting the two older children in her home while they work)

 

We have always striven to find age-mates in non-academic pursuits - arts, physical education, regular play - because he is still a 6yo boy.  I was a lucky child in that I went to an all day gifted program growing up, and lived far enough away from my school that I had a different set of friends in the evening/on weekends.  It balanced my life quite a bit.  Homeschooling does that as well for our kid, except it's private lessons and group play. :)  I am just worried about the two mixing, or having it come to a point where I can do nothing other than be rather blunt about it: "No, that will not do at all.  He would rather sit there with your 6th grader and help him with his work."

 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

 

If I give them only age-grade appropriate content, they rebel and refuse to do the work.  If I offer material that is too challenging they can can buckle under their own perfectionist tendencies into sobbing blobs on the floor and take hours (or longer!) to recover.  They have a drive to learn, but only about what they have decided to be interested in.  Everything else can easily become a battle.  First I have to convince them that they have a reason to learn the material, and then I have to argue with them over every little thing every step of the way.  

 

As an example, when I was trying to teach the greater-than and less-than symbols to DS#2, I told him the same thing I had been told in school and what I had told DS#1 back when we covered the topic.  I said that the symbols are like hungry alligators; they like to eat the biggest number.  DS#2 refused to believe that this is how the symbols worked or to use them correctly because, as he informed me, alligators eat whatever comes closest to them and is convenient to catch, not what's biggest, and besides, this particular "alligator" wouldn't eat either of the numbers anyway since there was no water for the "alligator" to drag the number under to kill it.  I swear that kid picks apart everything I say looking for holes, exceptions, and inaccuracies.  It can be so, so frustrating.  

 

 

 

Ha! Have you been looking in my window?? This is us, exactly.

[Jackie]

Am I the only one who has had more positive experiences than negative ones? Granted, DD is still only 6yo, so my experiences are altogether limited.

 

When she was even younger, I would dodge questions. But by the time she was 3-4, it kinda smacked people in the face. She would read a book in their presence. She would ask a question about infinity. She would talk about wanting to check something with an experiment and design the experiment aloud. She would answer a math question aimed at an older kid. Whatever. Basically, it got impossible to hide. Maybe it's harsh, or antisocial, but I decided I didn't have the time, energy, or motivation to go out of my way to hide her.

 

I was surprised. I do get occasional negative comments (or comments I perceive as negative) about being pushy, my expectations for her, letting her "be a kid", comparing her to how their kids are doing (both favorably and unfavorably). But, mostly, I get people thinking she's a great kid and it's awesome she's so interested in lots of stuff.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Am I the only one who has had more positive experiences than negative ones? Granted, DD is still only 6yo, so my experiences are altogether limited.

 

When she was even younger, I would dodge questions. But by the time she was 3-4, it kinda smacked people in the face. She would read a book in their presence. She would ask a question about infinity. She would talk about wanting to check something with an experiment and design the experiment aloud. She would answer a math question aimed at an older kid. Whatever. Basically, it got impossible to hide. Maybe it's harsh, or antisocial, but I decided I didn't have the time, energy, or motivation to go out of my way to hide her.

 

I was surprised. I do get occasional negative comments (or comments I perceive as negative) about being pushy, my expectations for her, letting her "be a kid", comparing her to how their kids are doing (both favorably and unfavorably). But, mostly, I get people thinking she's a great kid and it's awesome she's so interested in lots of stuff.

 

It gets easier as my kids get older.  I haven't had a ton of negative experiences.  More weird or comical, but not outright terrible.

[madteaparty]

I have a typically developing child with an extremely gifted friend (will graduate with full time college degree at 15 or so). Anyway I absolutely do credit the mother with making it happen, because at the very least, she is driving him to college and back every single day. So that is a true compliment and I would take it as such. But mostly for a while we did not speak of curriculum at all. It's best to just avoid the topic, and anyway often it's me that has to remind her that I have the typical child. I've been accused of "gifted denial" lol. So it sorts of runs both ways ;)

Eta that people are going to believe what they want to believe. So if she wants to credit you for it, say "why thank you" and move the conversation along. I don't think there's a risk of moms, any moms, getting too much credit for anything in this world ;)

Edited October 16, 2016 by madteaparty

[Guest]

I haven't had a ton of negative experiences. More weird or comical, but not outright terrible.

Same. Mostly thoroughly neutral, tending toward positive.

[La Condessa]

With my one homeschool friend, I try to talk about things without bringing level into it. I talk about attitude issues we're dealing with, being excited about a fun math program, an idea to go with a unit study. She is aware my kids are ahead, and she'd never be rude about it, but I generally avoid mentioning it. She knows we're very academically oriented, just as I know that she disagrees with that and sees her homeschool as more character-training oriented, but it's easier to converse on similarities than differences.

 

With my sister and sister-in-law with kids my oldest's age, with whom I used to discuss everything about their stages and development, I no longer mention it. I'll ask them, and cheer on their successes, but when asked myself I try to give positive but vague answers. My sister saw some of what my kids were doing last spring when we took our schoolwork with us to visit my folks for a month, and afterward kept talking about how smart and amazing my kids are, and saying that I am a better mom than she is. I hate for her to think badly of her parenting because of my kids' academics. I tried to tell her it's not me, and talk up some of the things that I admire about her parenting, but I don't know if it helped.

 

The situation's not bad, but I sure would love to have someone I could talk to about specific plans and struggles and goals. Preferably someone with more experience than me who sees academic rigor as a positive thing and from whom I can ask for advice.

[Clemsondana]

I've never had any problems.  I've been really blessed by our co-op.  They group the classes in age ranges (K-2, 3-5, some are 5-8 or 6-8, and then high school - some, like chess, are 4-12), and they will bump students up or down so that they can take the appropriate classes.  We have students who are advanced, students with delays, and students with physical complications, and we try to work with students wherever they are.  Both of my children have taken classes with older students, and it's been fine.  There are also enrichment classes like PE, fencing, languages, cooking, and art, so academic abilities aren't as much of an issue in those.  I've had parents of older students make suggestions for books and activities that my children might like, and I've had parents of same-age or younger students ask about curriculum that they know that we're completed. 

 

I sometimes think that parents can make this more complicated than it needs to be - whether a student is advanced, behind, athletic, musical, and/or artistic, it's just something that 'is', the same as if they have a vision problem, dyslexia, excellent or poor coordination, or a speech delay- and parents and teachers do their best to give the students what they need.  When asking about curriculum, it can actually be helpful to know if the subject comes easily to the student.  I can give the advice that we use math program X, but math comes easily to my student, we use grammar Y, but it's very bare-bones, and we're still looking for writing that we like because we struggle to organize a mass of details into a coherent paper.  Even if we're not working at the right grade level, the discussion about the type of curriculum is still possible.  But, it only works if parents have the approach 'What do I know that could help your kids, what do you know that could help mine, and what do our kids have in common that they might enjoy?'.