Pet name/phrases

[Bluegoat]

This may relate to the older discussion on using names and titles.

 

I'm watching a discussion right now where a woman is very angry because a clinic nurse called her daughter by an affectionate diminutive, something like "love".  She seems to see this as inherently disrespectful in any context and an attempt to assert power.

 

I think that sometimes people do use all kinds of forms of address in ways intended to be offensive, a lot of the time it is obvious and that most of the time, it's just a cultural speech pattern - you go some places and people will call you duck or love or whatever.  I think it tends to strongly reflect place of upbringing and class.

 

I don't see any point in being offended by that sort of thing, even if it isn't my preference. In actuality I've never minded it if it wasn't from a creepy person who I thought was hitting on me, though, I rather like being called "duck."  So maybe that colours my view. 

 

But it seems like getting angry over this sort of thing, at best, is going to make for an angry life.  And at worst its a sort of cultural imperialism or classism - that seems over the top, but a more moderate way of saying it might be that it assumes everyone should have the same kind of background and speech patters as you do.

 

ETA - I'm curious about people's experiences.  Are these kind of pet names common where you come from, and do people have opinions about using them?  Does it bother you, or do you think it speaks to motivation?

Edited September 28, 2016 by Bluegoat

[Spryte]

I don't get upset by this either. In fact, I really like what you said about doing so making for an angry life. I agree.

 

It does seem to be regional. I am in my 40s, and have moved almost 40 times. I have lived in a lot of regions. It varies. It's not something I find worthy of much emotional energy, unless it's clearly intended to offend.

 

I haven't seen the other thread you referenced though, so could be lacking pertinent info on this discussion.

[SporkUK]

Locally, there is a lot of 'duck' and 'love' [though some of my children quack at the former]. I use sugar pie with my kids but that's not a local one so I don't use it for anyone else's. I don't mind it in everyday conversations unless, as said in the OP, it's obviously meant to diminish. 

 

I do dislike when medical professionals use pet terms not only because I find it unprofessional but because, with multiple disabilities, I've had it used too many times towards me to dismiss my experience or in attempts to change my mind. It was far worse, both by professionals and the general public, when I used mobility devices and really bad throughout my pregnancies [i still shake my head at the random professional walking in with students during my last labour who thought half hugging me and dropping pet terms almost every other word would convince me to consent. As if calling me love and sweetheart erased my memory of medical contraindication or that its use in a previous labour had been a big part of what landed me in intensive care]. 

 

I can't think of a time I got up the energy to comment on it in any case because I don't think it would help anything.  I'm very good at giving people 'The Look' though which has made a few people apologise over time.  If it upset my child, I would support their choice to complain. 

[Guest]

Where I live you hear names like this all the time- honey, darling, sweetie, sugar......it doesn't phase me. I actually like it. I'm not a member of the Order of Perpetual Outrage since leaving my university years though. I'm glad I live where I do. :)

 

I've got to say I've never heard duck. Is that a northern/Canadian thing?

[Laura Corin]

In my home town it's 'My lover'.  Here I sometimes get 'Love' and in some parts of Scotland you will be called 'Hen'.  In a situation of equality, where I would normally call and be called by first names (talking to a bus driver, a shop assistant or a plumber), I have no problem with terms of endearment.

 

If I'm talking to a professional, whom I call Ms Smith or Dr Smith, then I would prefer to be called by my title and surname, rather than by a pet name, otherwise the power balance does seem out of whack.

 

ETA: 'duck' or 'ducks' is common in northern England.

Edited September 28, 2016 by Laura Corin

[SKL]

I remember my mom talking about that sort of thing.  Being called "honey" or whatever by maternity health professionals etc. was seen as a way to infantilize women, along with the babyish (puffy sleeves and lace) maternity clothes etc.  This also went along with little or no say-so about how the birthing process was going to go, i.e., the birthing process was arranged for the maximum convenience of the doctor, to the point of sometimes even injuring the baby or mother.  (My mom says the mat nurse crossed her legs and sat on them to prevent my approaching brother from coming before the doctor arrived.  My mom told her to get off or she would be sued for any birth injury.  Some other kids born in those days were less lucky.)  I assume it was similar in other medical fields.

 

So there may be some historic reason for the touchiness.

 

Or maybe that's just my mom.  :p

 

ETA I wrote this before seeing Spork's comment.  Apparently it wasn't only my mom.

Edited September 28, 2016 by SKL

[happypamama]

The sweet older woman who answers the phone at our mechanic's shop always calls me Honey or Dear on the phone. I get that from nurses or the like too. Doesn't bother me at all, although it amuses me when they're clearly younger than I am. If my doctor did it, I would find that a little strange and maybe an upset of power.

 

I'm not at all offended when people call my children things like that. Maybe for the teenager, but it would depend on context and whether the teen is offended by it. I call other people's kids Sweetie or the like all the time, and it wouldn't bother me at all if other parents did the same for my children. (I also hardly ever call my children by their actual names when I'm addressing them directly; I do tend to use pet names for them like Sweetie Pie. Actually, DH and I call each other Hon more than we call each other our actual names.)

 

ETA: I totally get a previous poster's comment about it being infantalizing to women in some contexts. That I would not go for at all, but I've never gotten that. If I've ever been called Dear or something by a midwife, it's been in a sympathetic sort of tone, like, "Yes, it hurts, but you're doing great, Dear," and then it would sound like my mom and not someone being patronizing. That would irritate me.

Edited September 28, 2016 by happypamama

[moonsong]

Im listening with both ears coming from a heealth care professionals side. When interacting during routine clinical settings I never referr to someone using a pet name. It seems unprofessional. However, when I'm with a client in serious distress I do it all the time. Its my way of sympathizing with the client. Some how I dont feel the same way in that context. When I first responded for my friends husband who was clearly dying. Who was old enough to be my dad. I called him buddy the entire time. So this this probably jumbled but Im eager to hear peoples thoughts. I personally don't like being called by pet names but its not worth getting offended by.

[marbel]

I find myself calling little kids "sweetie" when I have occasion to address them and don't know their names.  I don't mean anything by it; it's just something I use because I don't know their name.  For example, a child falling down right in front of me on a playground, I might say "are you OK, Sweetie?"     I suppose it could be offensive - to the parent, most likely not the kid.  

 

Years ago I worked with a guy who called all women "Babe."  He was from Mississippi, I think.  It was just his way.  Since he called everyone that, it would have been a little silly to find it offensive - it wasn't personal.   He was a nice guy, professional but also friendly.  And, compared to many of the sales reps on our team (I worked in sales support) he was really great to work with - respectful of support staff, not aggressive, not demanding, etc.

 

I've never had a medical professional call me by a pet name, that I can recall, at least as an adult.  It does seem weird that I call my 35-ish doctor "Dr Lastname" while she just calls me Margaret!  But, it doesn't really matter to me.  

 

[stephanier.1765]

Any child whose name I don't know, gets called either Sweetheart or Buddy. It beats Hey You. Say for example I accidentally bump into a child, I might say, "I'm sorry, Sweetheart," or "Excuse me, Buddy." Anybody who gets offended by that can, well, bite me. :)

[Bluegoat]

So it sounds like people mostly dislike it when it seems like they are being put in a lesser place, but not otherwise.

 

That makes sense to me, and I know it can be used that way.  I've never really had a doctor say it to me either other than the one who delivered me, but I do see it in nurses.

 

In the discussion I saw (not at WTM) it was a big vaccination clinic, the nurse had the child's name but my guess was trying to sound comforting. 

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 4, 2016 by Cathi

[Guest]

I've had a few waitresses call me 'honey' and it always felt slightly odd because that's an intimate term in my family (husband and wife only), but I know it's regional and these ladies sounded like they were from the midwest or moderately south by accent.

 

I tend to only call children by diminuitives, usually sweetie or babydoll. Adults I use sir or miss/ma'am if I don't know their name.

 

But like I said I don't get angry about it if someon does it to me, it just sounds 'odd' to my ears.

[Rebel Yell]

They don't usually bother me. And I even find them comforting in a medical setting, especially when said in a heavy, Southern accent by a nurse or someone similar.

 

Several years ago, however, we had a neighbor who was from London. She constantly called everyone "Love". She was a VERY class-conscious person and the way she said "Love" always came off extremely condescending, compounded by the fact that she frequently volunteered how she "hated this country (the US)". And she had been here for decades at that point, so it wasn't like she was a recent transplant or anything. Anyway, I grew to hate that particular term said with a heavy British accent and used in that way ... "Love".

Eeew. I knew some like this. 😡 Still makes me shudder at how such a beautiful word could have been used so hatefully. Edited September 29, 2016 by Rebel Yell

[happi duck]

I wouldn't mind being called 'duck'!!!

 

:)

[SKL]

It's funny, one of my kids' pen pals asked to be called "duckie."  :)

[Bluegoat]

They don't usually bother me.  And I even find them comforting in a medical setting, especially when said in a heavy, Southern accent by a nurse or someone similar.  

 

Several years ago, however, we had a neighbor who was from London.  She constantly called everyone "Love".  She was a VERY class-conscious person and the way she said "Love" always came off extremely condescending, compounded by the fact that she frequently volunteered how she "hated this country (the US)".  And she had been here for decades at that point, so it wasn't like she was a recent transplant or anything.  Anyway, I grew to hate that particular term said with a heavy British accent and used in that way ... "Love".  

 

That's interesting, I think of "love" as being a very working class term to use on a regular basis that way, coming from someone from the UK.  So, more likely to identify one's own class than reflect on that of the person being spoken to. 

[lllll]

nm

Edited October 4, 2016 by Cathi