Odd religious issues, college students

[Janeway]

I have friends who...here are the situations...

 

1) Older son went to public school and younger daughter went to a Christian school in grade school and middle school. Both went to the same public high school. I guess while daughter was at the private school, the mom took her to church and she had chapel at school. It was a Protestant school. Oldest child went off to college, came back and announced he was now an Atheist. This was freshman year. He is a senior now and maintains he is still atheist. Parents are upset about it. They say they don't care what religion he is or even if he is agnostic, but not happy about atheist. He seems otherwise like a nice boy. Parents were beating themselves up and wishing they had sent him to the Christian school too. Then younger daughter goes to college. I think she is a sophomore now, but might be a junior, not sure. She announces to them that she is now Catholic. She tells her parents that they are going to hell for being the wrong religion. She now has new people she is listing as her parents and even went so far as to tell her school and financial aid office that they are not her parents. I do not know if she got away with that with financial aid. Husband now blames the religious school (very protestant). Oh, and she has nothing to do with her parents and tells everyone her new "parents" are her real parents.

 

2) this friend has daughters. She was Catholic but has not raised her own children with religion. Her children were home schooled, but secular. Oldest recently graduated college. And while in college, she too found different parents. But she still speaks to and sees her parents and did not disown her parents. But, she also was calling this other couple "mom and dad." This other couple had other "daughters" but none of their own. To me, this sounded predatory and this was the first situation I knew of, before the above one. They were in some religion that involved standing in circles and someone stands in the middle and energy goes through them and such. I think there was something about stones and maybe even sweat houses. The daughter apparently would take off and go on camping trips with her new mom and dad and their other "daughters." The real dad said no, and wanted to cut her off financially and force her to move home but the real mom said no, that would just push daughter away more. I do not think they are still having problems, but do not know. The daughter has graduated and moved home so the mom has not mentioned much about it lately. I know the "mom" died a year or so ago so I am unsure if that put an end to anything.

 

I know of a few other situations where the adult child decided to cut a parent out, but it was usually related to a divorce and the adult child picking a parent. Both of these sets of friends are intact families and it really bothers me.

 

Is this sort of thing just a phase? Is this just a "crazy" thing college kids in the south do? Only thing in common here, they all attend(ed) colleges/universities in this general area, as in, within a couple hours of where we live now. So, all the colleges are in the bible belt. Does this happen everywhere? Or is this just weird bizarre stuff? Are these just phases these kids are going through? I know I am still a few years off, but I do not want any of this to happen with my children. 

 

Only thing I have ever seen before now, before this, was religious parents and then the kids go to college and don't go to church. That is it. I have never seen a child suddenly get religious and find new parents, nor I guess, have I seen a child not raised atheist to become atheist. 

 

edited to add: in one case of new "parents" the parents do not have their own kids. In the other case, I do not know. Both cases, it was at a state university. 

Edited September 26, 2016 by Janeway

[Farrar]

The vast majority of the atheists I know were raised by religious parents, often by parents who were fundamentalist leaning. Lots of people change religions or outlooks throughout their lives, but it's also pretty common IME for people to settle into a basic religious outlook in college or soon thereafter. So, maybe a phase, but maybe not. I think that sort of thing is pretty individual.

 

In the second example, the fact that for an adult age child the father told her she couldn't go camping with people she wanted to go camping with strikes me as pretty controlling a la that do you really think you can control your adult kids thread.

 

I've heard about the "parents" thing in the last few years more. It's a young person thing, I think. That wasn't common when I was young, but it seems to be more common now. I also find it odd. All I can think is that we don't have good language for mentors and extended, adopted family and that those networks used to arise in more places (church, small towns, old fashioned civic clubs) and now don't. Sometimes I see it used jokingly. Sometimes more seriously.

[Janeway]

The vast majority of the atheists I know were raised by religious parents, often by parents who were fundamentalist leaning. Lots of people change religions or outlooks throughout their lives, but it's also pretty common IME for people to settle into a basic religious outlook in college or soon thereafter. So, maybe a phase, but maybe not. I think that sort of thing is pretty individual.

 

In the second example, the fact that for an adult age child the father told her she couldn't go camping with people she wanted to go camping with strikes me as pretty controlling a la that do you really think you can control your adult kids thread.

 

I've heard about the "parents" thing in the last few years more. It's a young person thing, I think. That wasn't common when I was young, but it seems to be more common now. I also find it odd. All I can think is that we don't have good language for mentors and extended, adopted family and that those networks used to arise in more places (church, small towns, old fashioned civic clubs) and now don't. Sometimes I see it used jokingly. Sometimes more seriously.

yeah, my thought were that in college, wouldn't you want to lose the parents, not add more? It seems rather babyish to add parents when you are a grown adult. Other college kids hung out with college kids when I was that age. None of us wanted another set of parents to hang out with in college.

[LucyStoner]

In my experience it is not common for college students to "add parents".  I know some people from dysfunctional homes or who didn't have parents that built a sense of family from mentors or friends' parents but no one with parents who adopted new ones.  Maybe if someone marries they might call their ILs mom and dad but not just random and paired with religion like you describe.

 

 

 

 

[Farrar]

yeah, my thought were that in college, wouldn't you want to lose the parents, not add more? It seems rather babyish to add parents when you are a grown adult. Other college kids hung out with college kids when I was that age. None of us wanted another set of parents to hang out with in college.

 

Yeah, except... I dunno... I think if there had been proper grown ups who wanted to be parental that might have been sort of nice. College felt pretty age segregated to me.

 

To be clear, I've just heard of the adding parents things a few times, but all from younger people. Maybe it's not a massive trend, but it did seem different.

[MaeFlowers]

 

 

The second family sounds like a phase thing. She's moved home and appears to have moved on. It might sound like the father was controlling to some but to me he just sounds scared.

 

The first family has me more concerned. Both have strongly rejected their upbringing. I would say there is something more going on than you know.

 

But, what so I know? I know neither of these people.

[Crimson Wife]

There is nothing in Catholicism where a convert disowns his/her FOO and adopts "new parents". A convert who hadn't previously been baptized would find Catholic godparents to serve as spiritual advisors but those would be in addition to his/her parents.

 

Also, while the RCC teaches that it alone has "fullness of the Truth", it is NOT true that Catholics believe all non-Catholics are going to Hell. We trust in God's power to save and we pray that He will show mercy towards our non-Catholic friends and relatives. :)

[gardenmom5]

 

Only thing I have ever seen before now, before this, was religious parents and then the kids go to college and don't go to church. That is it. I have never seen a child suddenly get religious and find new parents, nor I guess, have I seen a child not raised atheist to become atheist. 

 

edited to add: in one case of new "parents" the parents do not have their own kids. In the other case, I do not know. Both cases, it was at a state university. 

 

 

My parents were agnostic at best, (mother was too hedonistic for my comfort - even as a teen in a liberal household).  I'm very religious.  I would have loved to have had 'new parents'.  I'm now an established adult, with two fully established adult children (and two in college).  I love my mother, but she . . had many shortcomings.

I understand why my mother rejected the religion with which she had been reared - she threw all religion in the same basket.

 

part is how the parents teach their children about their beliefs.  children have to believe for themselves.  My adult children all freely choose to practice our religion, for themselves because it feeds their spirits.  for awhile, one chose to not attend church.  I always let him know I loved him for who he was, and my hand was always stretched out.  he knew I had his back - because I loved him (even if I was disappointed in particular choices).  he has returned to our religion because it's what he wants.

 

part is - kids are individuals, and they do make their own choices. 

 

in the end, we all have to choose for ourselves, and we can't choose for our adult children.  from what you describe, I'd suspect there was more going on in those families than you may realize.  I've encountered too many parents who attempt to control their children "in the name of religion".  it doesn't work, it often drives them away from the parents religion - or any other religion.

 

eta: my girls attended a private secular university, and my boys are attending a state school.  no religious schools.

Edited September 26, 2016 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

There is nothing in Catholicism where a convert disowns his/her FOO and adopts "new parents". A convert who hadn't previously been baptized would find Catholic godparents to serve as spiritual advisors but those would be in addition to his/her parents.

 

Also, while the RCC teaches that it alone has "fullness of the Truth", it is NOT true that Catholics believe all non-Catholics are going to Hell. We trust in God's power to save and we pray that He will show mercy towards our non-Catholic friends and relatives. :)

 

 

this is what makes me think there is something else going on in the parent-child relationship - and the "religion" thing is merely the venue where it is manifested.  religion is NOT the source of it.

 

I was very angry/hurt with my mother for things that happened at home when I was a teen. I would have gladly gloomed onto other "parents" to meet what I felt was lacking.   as an adult, after letting go of that anger/hurt,  I could still be very religious -and love my mother and have a good relationship with her.  I could even share deep, personal sacred experiences - and for a woman who couldn't decide if she was agnostic or atheist - she always respected them.

 

[nd293]

I'd think a pretty high percent of atheists were raised with religion. I certainly was. I went to public school but in a country where public education was clearly Christian. Being away from home and meeting people with other ideas allows you the freedom to figure out what you believe, but you don't change religion or become an atheist unless you already have serious doubts. As for the rest, those family relationships obviously weren't healthy to start with - imposing religious views on children to the detriment of the relationship might be one aspect of that, but not necessarily. Where children are changing religion and 'adopting' new parents, I'd guess that was the case, though.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I have friends who...here are the situations...

 

1) Older son went to public school and younger daughter went to a Christian school in grade school and middle school. Both went to the same public high school. I guess while daughter was at the private school, the mom took her to church and she had chapel at school. It was a Protestant school. Oldest child went off to college, came back and announced he was now an Atheist. This was freshman year. He is a senior now and maintains he is still atheist. Parents are upset about it. They say they don't care what religion he is or even if he is agnostic, but not happy about atheist. He seems otherwise like a nice boy. Parents were beating themselves up and wishing they had sent him to the Christian school too. Then younger daughter goes to college. I think she is a sophomore now, but might be a junior, not sure. She announces to them that she is now Catholic. She tells her parents that they are going to hell for being the wrong religion. She now has new people she is listing as her parents and even went so far as to tell her school and financial aid office that they are not her parents. I do not know if she got away with that with financial aid. Husband now blames the religious school (very protestant). Oh, and she has nothing to do with her parents and tells everyone her new "parents" are her real parents.

 

2) this friend has daughters. She was Catholic but has not raised her own children with religion. Her children were home schooled, but secular. Oldest recently graduated college. And while in college, she too found different parents. But she still speaks to and sees her parents and did not disown her parents. But, she also was calling this other couple "mom and dad." This other couple had other "daughters" but none of their own. To me, this sounded predatory and this was the first situation I knew of, before the above one. They were in some religion that involved standing in circles and someone stands in the middle and energy goes through them and such. I think there was something about stones and maybe even sweat houses. The daughter apparently would take off and go on camping trips with her new mom and dad and their other "daughters." The real dad said no, and wanted to cut her off financially and force her to move home but the real mom said no, that would just push daughter away more. I do not think they are still having problems, but do not know. The daughter has graduated and moved home so the mom has not mentioned much about it lately. I know the "mom" died a year or so ago so I am unsure if that put an end to anything.

 

I know of a few other situations where the adult child decided to cut a parent out, but it was usually related to a divorce and the adult child picking a parent. Both of these sets of friends are intact families and it really bothers me.

 

Is this sort of thing just a phase? Is this just a "crazy" thing college kids in the south do? Only thing in common here, they all attend(ed) colleges/universities in this general area, as in, within a couple hours of where we live now. So, all the colleges are in the bible belt. Does this happen everywhere? Or is this just weird bizarre stuff? Are these just phases these kids are going through? I know I am still a few years off, but I do not want any of this to happen with my children. 

 

Only thing I have ever seen before now, before this, was religious parents and then the kids go to college and don't go to church. That is it. I have never seen a child suddenly get religious and find new parents, nor I guess, have I seen a child not raised atheist to become atheist. 

 

edited to add: in one case of new "parents" the parents do not have their own kids. In the other case, I do not know. Both cases, it was at a state university. 

I'm quoting you, lot's of info to keep track of, but if you want me to remove it just PM me.

 

I'm going to start with the 2nd friend's daughter- she probably got out into the World after being sheltered and "tried on" a bunch of different versions of herself trying to find the one that "fit".  Hopefully the new "parents" were kind if slightly off beat people who just liked having the energy of young people around them.  If they were predatory there's not a lot that can be done since the daughter is an adult and in charge of her own life.  Most likely she has discovered that the original "her" was actually the closest fit and came home wiser for the experiences.  My youngest sister had a similar experience at a  younger age and the new "parents" were kind and caring and most definitely different.  She still remembers them fondly.

 

The first one is the ones that would actually worry me.  The daughter sounds very traumatized and perhaps was either abused or not protected from abuse?  Either real or perceived, children rarely cut their parents off for no reason.  The religion or lack there of is not odd.  I was raised fundamentalist christian and am 99.9% atheist.  I still speak to my parents, their religious views bother me far less than their political ones do.  I was abused (spare the rod and all that) and would never cut them out of my life.  They loved me and raised me the best they knew how, mistakes were made but I've forgiven.  This girl either hasn't forgiven her parents or she could have a chemical imbalance that is skewing her perception of reality.  Sadly all her parents can do is wait and try to keep a line of communication open.  

 

On a more personal note, there are a lot of nice boys in the world, being atheist doesn't change that.  My son is atheist and he is the nicest, sweetest, morally centered kid you could meet.

 

ETA: I think you were trying to figure out how to keep the same thing from happening to your own children?  I can only speak from experience but just "being there" for them is huge.  Listening and not condemning their crazy ideas that often go against what we know as parents to be the best.  Giving them sound and grounded guidance without pushing to hard or holding on to tight.  It's such a thin line to walk that we are bound to make missteps. 

 

Edited September 26, 2016 by foxbridgeacademy

[Happy2BaMom]

The only atheist I personally know was raised by VERY evangelical parents who homeschooled him K-12 and sent him to a religious college. He graduated, moved to a large city, and is now the leader of a very large atheist "church" (or whatever term they use). His parents are still very religious. For him, it was a definite reaction (I personally think he is still *in* that phase, even though it has been several years....mostly because he is very militant about his belief system now & doesn't seem to have ever gone through an exploratory or "what do I really think" phase, but whatever). IMHO, that sort of thing has a lot more to do with family dynamics than with the belief system that is rejected or claimed.

 

I have not heard of anyone who has done the new-set-of-parents thing, and I have several nieces and nephews in college. That seems really....harsh. Even for parents I might not respect or like....wow. That would be very painful as a parent. 

[heartlikealion]

The parent thing sounds crazy to me. I went to college in the South. The changing religion thing can happen and may be more common? I knew a girl in college that converted. She later regretted it. I don't know what religion she considers herself now.

 

Are you sure she officially became Catholic? In RCIA they didn't teach her that we don't think Heaven is exclusively for Catholics? Maybe she is just tagging along to Mass with peers. Misinformed ones?

[regentrude]

The "parents" thing is decidedly odd.

 

But I am rather puzzled about this:

 

 Oldest child went off to college, came back and announced he was now an Atheist. This was freshman year. He is a senior now and maintains he is still atheist. Parents are upset about it. They say they don't care what religion he is or even if he is agnostic, but not happy about atheist. He seems otherwise like a nice boy.

 

"Otherwise"??? 

I found that being nice or not has absolutely nothing to do with being atheist or Christian. Neither has being a person of high morals and integrity.

 

Many atheists grew up Christian and arrived at their world view later in life, not necessarily through college. Being exposed to the wider world often has that effect, especially when brought up rigidly with a lack of different perspectives.

Calling it "a phase" sounds condescending.

 

 

 

Edited September 26, 2016 by regentrude

[Laura Corin]

"Otherwise"??? 

I found that being nice or not has absolutely nothing to do with being atheist or Christian. Neither has being a person of high morals and integrity.

 

 

Yes.  I would be really quite upset if someone said of me, 'Laura's an atheist; otherwise she seems nice.' 

 

If the young man concerned is hearing that kind of sentiment from his parents too, it's not going to improve family harmony.

 

ETA: if you or anyone else has any questions about atheism, I recommend reading the Ask an Atheist thread.  I'm happy to answer any further questions there too.

 

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/475016-ask-an-atheist/?p=4993497

Edited September 26, 2016 by Laura Corin

[bettyandbob]

Many young people become aware of the hypocrisy of religion as young adults and explore new paths. Becoming an atheist is one direction. Sometimes those same young people rediscover the religion in which they were raised. Sometimes they later adopt another religion. However I would not call being an atheist a phase. Many people become atheist and that's what they are.

 

I'm a Christian. The proclaimed atheists I know on average exhibit better morals and ethics than the average person I know who self identifies Christian or Catholic. I don't know an atheist who is not nice.

[creekland]

From what I've seen, the kids who tend to stray from their religion (or lack of religion because it can go the other way too) are those who have had very little exposure earlier in life.  Going from religion to none, it's usually also associated with strict "religious" parenting.  Going from none to a religion (any religion), it's usually either a total lack of teaching about religions or again, a strict anti-religion stance.

 

Why does this happen?  The teen (and early 20s) brain is set up to explore and is a little slow on reasoning.  If something is forbidden or hidden, that makes it far more interesting.  Kids will often take up smoking and/or illegal drugs at this age - we all know this.  They don't necessarily "see" all the reasons not to that they are taught - esp if it's "Just Say No" without more info.  They are curious and want to know what it's like, so they try it to see for themselves.  Take that attitude and associate it with religion - or politics - or food - or lifestyle - or whatever and one can get the same results.  Then they might actually decide they like some of these things.

 

It can be tame things too.  My oldest got into gaming, live action play, and computer IT AFTER he went to college.  We parents aren't into any of that, so it was new and intriguing to him.  My middle got into dance, American Sign Language, and juggling - again - all new.  Youngest has found a love of languages.  He had learned French, but now he's into (and tutoring) Arabic, & starting Italian as well.  He's developed a love of Mediterranean & Middle Eastern Culture.  This year he's also taken up Cheerleading (on the squad at his college).  For non team sports loving parents, this is quite the change... but we've congratulated him and hope he has a good time.

 

With your first example, I'm going to guess that the parents weren't accepting of the new and it got frustrating. However, I've also seen IRL where outside influences can purposely turn a kid away from their parents (my oldest had a homeschooling mom do this to him at college - I saw the multiple e-mails of her "advice!").  He's since changed back somewhat (phew!), but that sort of stuff can happen sadly.  My sister also saw a therapist and ended up convinced that our parents abused her when she was young.  Um... I grew up with her - very close to her since we're only one year apart and were best friends - no, there was no abuse like she claims.  One never knows in some of these cases.  If I hadn't seen the folder of e-mails to my oldest son, I'd have always wondered what happened...

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well I think it's a phase, but it seems to me that the parents themselves don't know what they believe either.  My parents raised me in a similar half hearted way with regards to religion.  I'm an atheist.  I don't blame my atheism on the fact they weren't clear on their religious beliefs, but rather, I think they just weren't religious themselves and along the way they got the idea in their mind that they were supposed to try to raise us with religion because that's what parents are supposed to do.  Either way my atheism was not a phase.  I was sure I was an atheist at 13 and at 42 I still am, but around college age I did question these things a lot and sought information about various religions.

 

 

[Guest]

I think, for each situation, you have to remember that there is no schooling format that guarantees a child will embrace a certain religious viewpoint or won't reject all religion. Personally, I think some religious parents push their kids away from religion by being too consumed with worry over whether they'll be Baptists or whatever. (My parents did this.)

 

Also, the declarations of a young person on what they do/don't believe may not last. Many people (most?) morph and change beliefs over decades in adulthood.

 

I have not encountered the "new parents" thing and do find it strange and very manipulative. I would have nothing to do with a kid who tried to claim me as her "new" mom, saying she was abandoning her real mom. I did know a very religious woman who had several young ladies whom she called her "spiritual daughters," but AFAIK, there was no weird cutting off of the actual mother. In some cases, the mother had abandoned the adult child and was no longer in the picture, but I have never heard of the child disowning involved parents and "choosing" new parents.

[G5052]

I think, for each situation, you have to remember that there is no schooling format that guarantees a child will embrace a certain religious viewpoint or won't reject all religion. Personally, I think some religious parents push their kids away from religion by being too consumed with worry over whether they'll be Baptists or whatever. (My parents did this.)

 

Also, the declarations of a young person on what they do/don't believe may not last. Many people (most?) morph and change beliefs over decades in adulthood.

.

 

I agree. I know some who sent theirs to the more conservative Christian schools (Bob Jones, Patrick Henry, Liberty), and the kids came out rejecting it all. My theory is that the pressure to conform and obvious contradictions pushed them away.

 

My parents threatened to cut off my college funds if I went to any other kind of church when I was in college. I thought that was odd because the reality was that they rarely went to church and didn't go along with most of it, but they thought that being a good person meant being a Methodist.

 

I did go elsewhere in college, and for that and other control reasons, they cut off my college funds. Frankly it was a relief.

 

Mine know that I hope that they will be practicing Christians in adulthood, but nothing will make me cut them off. They have to make it their own ultimately.

[ktgrok]

Changing religions or giving up religion is pretty common at that age. However, changing parents is not. I'd assume that there was some kind of parental/child issue going on before this that led to that. Or yes, predatory weird adults. 

 

As for the Catholic child disowning her parents and saying they are going to hell....that's not Catholicism. I'm a convert...my parents are not Catholic. My oldest son is not Catholic. At no point was I encouraged to do anything other than continue to love them and be in relationship with them. Family members who are not Catholic are welcomes to services, and thanked for coming. They are specifically told they don't have to convert to support their Catholic family member. (and I've been a member of several parishes hundreds of miles apart...this is the common theme at all of them.) The daughter is either dealing with mental health issues that are manifesting as religious intolerance, or there is more going on there. 

[heartlikealion]

I read it as, "other than this rebellion, he seems nice." As in, "parents haven't had any trouble with him, but consider this to be a rebellious streak they are not happy about." But now that the "otherwise, he is a nice boy" thing has been highlighted, I can see how that can read. I agree, you don't have to be Christian to be nice (and not all Christians are nice).

[The Girls' Mom]

Kids go through a lot of changes at that age.  They are trying to find out who they are separate from their family.  Often, it seems, that kids from strict homes rebel the most.  The new parent thing is a weird coincidence, I think. 

 

And no, it isn't a southern thing.  At all.  

[regentrude]

From what I've seen, the kids who tend to stray from their religion (or lack of religion because it can go the other way too) are those who have had very little exposure earlier in life.  Going from religion to none, it's usually also associated with strict "religious" parenting.  Going from none to a religion (any religion), it's usually either a total lack of teaching about religions or again, a strict anti-religion stance.

 

Not always.

I grew up Christian, but my parents were not very strictly religious. My dad is not Christian (but it took me many years to figure that out). I received ten years of Christian instruction for children and youths, was confirmed, and very active in the church youth group. At some point in my teen years, I entertained the notion of studying theology.

 

However,  when I began thinking more about the world and questioning the teachings, including many long discussions with my pastor, I found the answers to the question of suffering, free will, and an omnipotent vs benevolent God which the religion offered unsatisfactory. The encounter with conservative Christians upon my immigration to the US Midwest, with the misogyny, hatred and medieval attitudes, was the final straw that turned me into an atheist.

And no, it is not a "phase".

Edited September 26, 2016 by regentrude

[Dmmetler]

When I was growing up, the (General Conference) Mennonite church assigned a same-gender mentor to kids as they were reaching adolescence, who would be there to talk to them about things they wanted adult input on, but not necessarily from their parents. It was tied in with baptism and formally joining the church, but also was not limited to such.

 

I found myself spending a lot of time in the same sort of relationship with a friend's mother, even though it wasn't official. Another friend did so with my mother. I think it's both natural and a good thing to have a trusted adult who isn't a parent. I've found myself in that relationship with two different homeschooled teens in the last few years, too.

 

I could easily see a college student doing so as well. And while I believe such relationships (like most relationships) will range from benign to beneficial, just as some families are not, such mentor relationships are not.

[MinivanMom]

I have known lots of kids who "adopted" new parents. The situations I've known in real life have all involved kids who grew up in family situations that were abusive, neglectful, and/or highly chaotic. They attached themselves to the parents of a good friend or the parents of a boyfriend/girlfriend or maybe just to a supportive couple from their church. Most found these substitute parents during their teen years and used them as a source of stability and emotional support. It's nice to have grown-ups who take an interest in your new part-time job and encourage you to go to school when your real parents are too consumed with their own chaotic lives to care. For all of them, the relationship was hugely positive and they naturally moved away from it (in intensity) as they became young adults and moved into independence. And, yes, many of them did call the "adopted" parents "mom" and "dad". I know of 2 situations where the "adopted" parents were later asked to participate in that young person's wedding in the role of the parents of the bride/groom.

 

I don't think this is a new thing, just maybe something you may not have encountered based on your SES or social circle. I do think it's unusual that the kid in question would "cut-off" the parents. That makes me think that either there is a whole lot more to the story than OP knows (physical and/or s*xual abuse in the family-of-origin) or it raises the possibility that it could be a more predatory situation.

[FaithManor]

Changing parents? That speaks to me of a bigger, non religious issue, likely an abusive dynamic between her and the parents.

 

As for the young man, I think it is rude to say "otherwise he is a nice boy". Nice is a personality trait. While it can be encouraged through religion, no religion has a corner on the niceness market, and in my experience, an awful lot of religious people AREN'T nice but instead judgy and cruel. Atheists are just as likely to be nice as the next person.

 

But I hear this kind of thing all the time from evangelicals because their assumption is that without their own brand of religion, no one can be nice or act with kindness. Clearly not the case. All evidence to the contrary, but that is the thought process of some. Try not to think of this young man in the same way.

 

He is nice because he chooses to be nice.

 

And as for trends or phases, this is actually an age old classic. Children grow up to be adults, and adults get to think rationally about their own lives and make appropriate choices for them or inappropriate (ie. alcohol, drugs, etc.). This has been going on since there have been parents and kids.

 

Now that said, I will say that there is one fundamentalist christian university out of state that is wildly popular with parents in our area. It costs a scary amount of money to send their kids there which means given income levels here, these kids are going into crazy debt to attend. I am not sure why this keeps happening. 13 teens from my parents church have all matriculated to the same university and one by one as they graduate they leave the faith. 11 out of 13, and 2 are seniors this year who according to their folks seem to be leaning the same direction. Hmmm....me thinks it isn't money well spent if the insistence on attending a christian uni is for preserving the young adult's faith. 

 

At any rate, cutting off parents is a strong reaction so I think there is a lot more behind closed doors than just her conversion to Catholicism and especially since RCC is pro-family, pro honor thy father and they mother, and not looking to separate young adults from their unconverted parents.

[creekland]

Not always.

I grew up Christian, but my parents were not very strictly religious. My dad is not Christian (but it took me many years to figure that out). I received ten years of Christian instruction for children and youths, was confirmed, and very active in the church youth group. At some point in my teen years, I entertained the notion of studying theology.

 

However,  when I began thinking more about the world and questioning the teachings, including many long discussions with my pastor, I found the answers to the question of suffering, free will, and an omnipotent vs benevolent God which the religion offered unsatisfactory. The encounter with conservative Christians upon my immigration to the US Midwest, with the misogyny, hatred and medieval attitudes, was the final straw that turned me into an atheist.

 

Well, usually is in my response for a reason as there are always those who have other reasons.  Then too, I'm only talking about the college days when, in the US, many kids are "free" from their parents and encounter other opportunities and beliefs of all sorts. 

 

Humans can (and do) morph throughout their post teen years, but it's in those college years (for many) when "drastic" changes can happen suddenly.  I deeply questioned my own faith during my college years - esp upon taking Bible classes (state U) - but ended up with modified beliefs (my own) and a faith that is far deeper than it was in my early teen years.  My mom is not a believer.  My dad is, but only in the most basic form (usually doesn't attend church or read the Bible or whatever).  They both only attended church regularly when my sister and I were teens, they had divorced, and both wanted custody.  Going to church was something "good" parents did in those days.  At that time, I hated it.  

[cjzimmer1]

This is not the exactly the same as your situation but there is a couple in our church who has many "kids" that are not their own.  We have a large university in our town and they are students from all over.  This couple are the kind of people the kids can call at 1:00 AM because their car broke down in the middle of nowhere and the husband will come and fix their car and/or get them home safety.  They are the kind of people who will take off of work because a "kid" is having emergency surgery and the kid's family is in another country and they don't want the kid to be alone.  Any of their "kids" or even their kids friends are welcome in their home at any holiday so they don't have to spend it alone in the dorms.  Holidays regularly include people they have never met before.  Some of their "kids" have never set foot in our church and that is just fine with them and others have become regular members. Their ministry is simply to help some of these college students navigate this time in their life and be a guiding hand where needed.  They don't seek to replace the real parents but often the college kids call them mom and dad because that is the role they are providing if only for a little while. 

 

A few years back our church had a special service honoring their years working with college kids and over 50 of their "kids" showed up to remember and thank them for the time this couple invested in them.

 

So calling someone mom and dad wouldn't bother me in the least because I've seen this play out in a positive way but if the "new" mom and dad was driving a wedge between the child and real parents than yeah that would be a cause of concern.

[bettyandbob]

Officially announcing "new parents" suggests something more was going on between the young adult and her family of origin.

 

There isn't anything unhealthy about a teen or young adult forming a trusted relationship with an adult other than parents. That can be helpful. Such a relationship should not be the reason to become estranged from parents, however.

[livetoread]

I was raised in a conservative-leaning Protestant religion, but my family was/is on the liberal side of that denomination and always supported questioning and thinking things through.

 

I stayed in the denomination until my twenties when I questioned and thought my way out of belief. I have a good relationship with my family and I wasn't treated badly by my old church. Sometimes people leave religion completely because the most basic of tenants simply don't add up for them anymore. It isn't about being wounded or betrayed (though sometimes it is).

 

I know my parents look for reasons besides "she simply questioned her way out", because for them, questioning led to a deeper faith, not no faith. It causes unnecessary pain for them as they blame themselves etc. I resent that their beliefs contribute to their pain like that - I can't be okay in their eyes and instead am a source of pain for them - but it is what it is. I know sometimes parents fail their children in ways that lead to their children leaving their faith, but often parents are great parents and their kids leave anyway for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with being failed by anyone. That might very well be the case with the surprisingly nice atheist boy.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Officially announcing "new parents" suggests something more was going on between the young adult and her family of origin.

 

There isn't anything unhealthy about a teen or young adult forming a trusted relationship with an adult other than parents. That can be helpful. Such a relationship should not be the reason to become estranged from parents, however.

 

Yeah this seems pretty extreme to me.  Kids do pull away for awhile and that is normal, but this strikes me as anger or the parents aren't giving her enough space or SOMETHING.  I really don't know.

[Crimson Wife]

 I'm a Christian. The proclaimed atheists I know on average exhibit better morals and ethics than the average person I know who self identifies Christian or Catholic. I don't know an atheist who is not nice.

 

Oh, I know a bunch of arrogant, obnoxious jerks who are militantly atheist. They go beyond simply not believing in a higher power themselves to being intolerant of other people's religious beliefs. They cannot "live and let live" but go around bashing religion. :thumbdown:

 

It's a minority of atheists I know IRL, but they give atheism a bad name the way militant vegans give veganism a bad name for similar reasons.

[SKL]

I could kind of see this if the students were very young / immature and needing some adults to "look up to" in their new world.

 

I would think it was a phase, though if it happened to my daughters, I'm pretty sure I would be hurt.

 

Lord knows I went through my share of idiot phases, some of which my parents knew about, most of which they didn't.  :P

[PrincessMommy]

I haven't read all the responses, so maybe someone has addressed this.  But, I think I'd put a lot of the blame (not sure that's the right word) on the "new" parents or religion.  I do understand that new converts to any religion or philosphy tend to go overboard and get obnoxious.  That is why one should have a spiritual leader or teacher to say "Cut it out."   Of course, in the case of the Catholic girl, maybe the priest/spiritual leader has no idea what's going on.  But, her "new"parents certainly should

 

If I were the "new" parent in this scenario I would be backing WAY off.  It is not my place to replace someone's parents and I would see any attempt to make me a surrogate parent as something seriously wrong.   Perhaps some kind of obsession issues with the new convert.    I wonder if the "new"parents are fueling this obsession.   Isn't this how cults are started??

 

Very sorry for both these parents.  Glad the one girl escaped.  I've seen people with this kind of obsession (whether it's a religion or a person) tear families apart.

 

 

Edited September 26, 2016 by PrincessMommy

[Spryte]

The "parents" thing is decidedly odd.

 

But I am rather puzzled about this:

 

 

"Otherwise"??? 

I found that being nice or not has absolutely nothing to do with being atheist or Christian. Neither has being a person of high morals and integrity.

 

Many atheists grew up Christian and arrived at their world view later in life, not necessarily through college. Being exposed to the wider world often has that effect, especially when brought up rigidly with a lack of different perspectives.

Calling it "a phase" sounds condescending.

 

Yes.  That exact phrase caught my eye, too.  

[zoobie]

Oh, I know a bunch of arrogant, obnoxious jerks who are militantly atheist. They go beyond simply not believing in a higher power themselves to being intolerant of other people's religious beliefs. They cannot "live and let live" but go around bashing religion. :thumbdown:

 

It's a minority of atheists I know IRL, but they give atheism a bad name the way militant vegans give veganism a bad name for similar reasons.

The same could be said for Christians or any other affiliation. Yankee fans. Americans. There actually has been research on atheists being largely moral, upstanding people. :)

 

Imagine if someone posted "Janeway is a Christian but otherwise seems like a nice girl." :rofl:

 

Unless the parents used religion as a controlling, abusive tool, there's nothing to blame themselves over their children choosing another path. You're supposed to accept the tenets of faith freely. Finding new ideas is the point of college. Some people find new ideas fit them better than their previous ones. Intentionally sheltering your child for fear they might decide your religion isn't the only truth isn't good parenting. If they only profess your religious beliefs because that's the only thing they know or they fear you too much, do they really believe? I did what was expected of me when I lived at home, but I never really believed in my parents' faith. If they'd beaten me over the head with it or threatened me with disownment if I didn't continue, I would have walked away from them too. You don't ditch "otherwise nice" family members over religion. There's something else happening in those relationships.

[Wheres Toto]

My oldest has friends that call me "mom" and my daughter calls some of her friends parents "mom and dad".  None of them have given up on their own parents, it's just an affectionate kind of nickname I guess.  I've known some of these girls since they were in 2nd or 3rd grade, have done lots of sleep-overs, vacations together, camping trips, etc.  I think if any of the girls had parents that were particularly controlling or abusive, one or more of those alternate "mom" relationships could have become closer.  For the most part, it's just a favorite aunt and uncle type thing, they may ask advice and talk about what's going  on in their lives.

 

As for the religion - I think it's extremely common for kids to change their religion in college - either finding it or losing it.  Sometimes its the first exposure they've had to people who believe different things so I think that's pretty natural.  They are also separating from their parents and deciding what they really want/who they really are, outside of parental approval/authority/guidance.

[Janeway]

Well, what I thought was drugs and/or sexual stuff. Funny thing is, in the one family, the mom thinks it is a weird phase the daughter needs to ride out but the dad thinks something seedy is going on. In the other case, the mom thinks drugs and sex might be what is going on, and the dad thinks not. So opposite reactions. In both cases, they are girls, who got new parents who were not associated with the college campus at all. In both cases, the new "parents" have taken on multiple new "daughters" and not just the one. In the case of the girl who had gone to public school, she had a lot of friends and dumped them all. In the case of the girl who had been home schooled, she did not have a lot of friends but I think she still speaks to the ones she has. 

 

 

Yes, it does worry me. I have mostly sons, so I am not immediately worried. And I assume that by the time my little girl goes to college, I won't be thinking about this. I am not exactly religious, so my son's religions would not bother me a ton, I don't think anyway. As long as they don't try to recruit me for their religions. I am quite bothered by the idea of sending a child off to college, as a freshman, and having people come from off campus and recruit children for religion.

 

Which..I just had an epiphany...did we all discuss this already? I think we did. It goes on here. But outsiders, not otherwise associated with the schools, at the public schools, can come on to campus during lunch hour to eat with students and try to recruit them for their churches. This really bothers me. I wonder how the schools even screen who comes in. It is wrong on every level. If they are just there to recruit for their churches, that is bad enough. But I would imagine anyone could come in with whatever agenda. It would give an opening for an adult to entice a child into anything.

 

OK..so...I guess I am bothered. I do not like the idea of other adults who do not otherwise have business with the school, coming on to campus, the high school or college, and trying to recruit for things like that. I guess this is just another thing I need to add to the list of life skills to teach the kids. 

[gardenmom5]

Many young people become aware of the hypocrisy of religion as young adults and explore new paths. Becoming an atheist is one direction. Sometimes those same young people rediscover the religion in which they were raised. Sometimes they later adopt another religion. However I would not call being an atheist a phase. Many people become atheist and that's what they are.

 

I'm a Christian. The proclaimed atheists I know on average exhibit better morals and ethics than the average person I know who self identifies Christian or Catholic. I don't know an atheist who is not nice.

 

wow.   you make it sound like everyone who is religious is a hypocrite becasue they're religious.   tell, me do you find hypocrites among any other group?  my father was agnostic.  one thing I really appreciated about him was the message I got that "some people are nice, and some people aren't."  irrespective of whatever "group" to which they belong.   I've seen "atheists" who try to control others through coercion as well.  so, controlling behavior is certainly not limited to anyone group.

 - even here on this forum.

 

I agree. I know some who sent theirs to the more conservative Christian schools (Bob Jones, Patrick Henry, Liberty), and the kids came out rejecting it all. My theory is that the pressure to conform and obvious contradictions pushed them away.

 

My parents threatened to cut off my college funds if I went to any other kind of church when I was in college. I thought that was odd because the reality was that they rarely went to church and didn't go along with most of it, but they thought that being a good person meant being a Methodist.

 

I did go elsewhere in college, and for that and other control reasons, they cut off my college funds. Frankly it was a relief.

 

Mine know that I hope that they will be practicing Christians in adulthood, but nothing will make me cut them off. They have to make it their own ultimately.

I agree with the bolded.  My grandmother wasn't overly religious - but she was very controlling, and would use "you're going to h3ll" as a weapon to control.  sometimes I marvel I believed in a loving God despite her.  my mother expressed interest in attending the methodist church as a teen - her controlling southern baptist mother freaked out.  Many things my mother did while *I* was growing up, made me feel like she was rebelling against her mother.

[maize]

your public schools allow random adults to come eat lunch with the kids? I've never heard of such a thing, that does not sound like a safe or smart idea to me.

 

Our schools allow parents of students to eat lunch with their kids at school but nobody else.

[Saddlemomma]

I have friends who...here are the situations...

 

1) Older son went to public school and younger daughter went to a Christian school in grade school and middle school. Both went to the same public high school. I guess while daughter was at the private school, the mom took her to church and she had chapel at school. It was a Protestant school. Oldest child went off to college, came back and announced he was now an Atheist. This was freshman year. He is a senior now and maintains he is still atheist. Parents are upset about it. They say they don't care what religion he is or even if he is agnostic, but not happy about atheist. He seems otherwise like a nice boy. Parents were beating themselves up and wishing they had sent him to the Christian school too. Then younger daughter goes to college. I think she is a sophomore now, but might be a junior, not sure. She announces to them that she is now Catholic. She tells her parents that they are going to hell for being the wrong religion. She now has new people she is listing as her parents and even went so far as to tell her school and financial aid office that they are not her parents. I do not know if she got away with that with financial aid. Husband now blames the religious school (very protestant). Oh, and she has nothing to do with her parents and tells everyone her new "parents" are her real parents.

 

2) this friend has daughters. She was Catholic but has not raised her own children with religion. Her children were home schooled, but secular. Oldest recently graduated college. And while in college, she too found different parents. But she still speaks to and sees her parents and did not disown her parents. But, she also was calling this other couple "mom and dad." This other couple had other "daughters" but none of their own. To me, this sounded predatory and this was the first situation I knew of, before the above one. They were in some religion that involved standing in circles and someone stands in the middle and energy goes through them and such. I think there was something about stones and maybe even sweat houses. The daughter apparently would take off and go on camping trips with her new mom and dad and their other "daughters." The real dad said no, and wanted to cut her off financially and force her to move home but the real mom said no, that would just push daughter away more. I do not think they are still having problems, but do not know. The daughter has graduated and moved home so the mom has not mentioned much about it lately. I know the "mom" died a year or so ago so I am unsure if that put an end to anything.

 

I know of a few other situations where the adult child decided to cut a parent out, but it was usually related to a divorce and the adult child picking a parent. Both of these sets of friends are intact families and it really bothers me.

 

Is this sort of thing just a phase? Is this just a "crazy" thing college kids in the south do? Only thing in common here, they all attend(ed) colleges/universities in this general area, as in, within a couple hours of where we live now. So, all the colleges are in the bible belt. Does this happen everywhere? Or is this just weird bizarre stuff? Are these just phases these kids are going through? I know I am still a few years off, but I do not want any of this to happen with my children. 

 

Only thing I have ever seen before now, before this, was religious parents and then the kids go to college and don't go to church. That is it. I have never seen a child suddenly get religious and find new parents, nor I guess, have I seen a child not raised atheist to become atheist. 

 

edited to add: in one case of new "parents" the parents do not have their own kids. In the other case, I do not know. Both cases, it was at a state university. 

 

This is not always just a "phase".  My eldest DD reaffirmed her faith before going to college (northern Maine).  From the moment she started classes, if the professor(s) found out she was Christian, they actively tried to shame her into renouncing her beliefs in favor of scientism/atheism.  Her group of friends also pressured her endlessly.  I know this because she would call us every.single.day.  She actually dropped a class because the professor was so overt in singling her out and telling her she would make sure that she would destroy DD's faith.

 

Well, during her 3rd year, DD succumbed to all the peer pressure and renounced Christianity.  Then, she promptly renounced us for not agreeing with her new philosophy or endorsing it. She cut off all ties with us for a year.  That was an agonizing year. Then one night I got a call from her crying. She was contemplating suicide and it was all my fault.  I immediately, in a calm voice, told her I loved her, had always loved her, and would always love her regardless, and reminded her that she was the one to cut off communication.  I also, lovingly and calmly, explained to her that taking her life was not something that I would feel guilty about.  I told her I would be devastated, but doing something that drastic would be her decision alone and not something I had any control over. I tried to give her the suicide hotline number and told her we would help her get counseling. She refused, but we talked for over an hour.  At the end of that hour, she had calmed down and felt better.  She promised to keep in contact. 

 

The biggest thing that got through to her was me pointing out that it wasn't us trying to convert her and refusing to love her unless...it was her doing that very thing to us...trying to force us into accepting her lifestyle and renouncing our beliefs (not talking about homosexuality here).  That was the light-bulb moment for her.  So much for Christians doing all the proselytizing; forcing views; and being bigoted.

 

Anyway, that was about 4 years ago.  We stay in contact regularly.  She is agnostic now and lives a lifestyle we don't approve of or endorse, but she totally understands that that does not mean we don't love her very, very much and always will regardless...

 

Youngest DD has watched, listened, and learned all through our family's ordeal.  She is now terrified to go to college.  I keep telling her there are all kinds of trials in life that she will face regardless of whether it's in college, the workforce, or just hanging out with friends.  She will be challenged not because she is intolerant, but because the world is intolerant of Jesus and His word, and everyday we need to reaffirm our commitment to Him regardless of the situation or soft "persecution" we face.  We need to realize that when we are called ignorant, bigoted, intolerant, and/or uneducated, it's not us they are judging; it's Jesus.

[regentrude]

Oh, I know a bunch of arrogant, obnoxious jerks who are militantly atheist. They go beyond simply not believing in a higher power themselves to being intolerant of other people's religious beliefs. They cannot "live and let live" but go around bashing religion. :thumbdown:

 

It's a minority of atheists I know IRL, but they give atheism a bad name the way militant vegans give veganism a bad name for similar reasons.

 

...or the way militant Christians give Christianity a bad name.

They cannot "live and let live" but go around proselytizing and threatening children with going to hell.

And oftentimes their religious institution condones and encourages such behavior.

 

(And the atheists you know may be jerks; they, at least, however, typically act as individuals and do not have wide spread institutional support for shoving their beliefs down others' throats.)

 

 

Edited September 26, 2016 by regentrude

[gardenmom5]

Well, what I thought was drugs and/or sexual stuff. Funny thing is, in the one family, the mom thinks it is a weird phase the daughter needs to ride out but the dad thinks something seedy is going on. In the other case, the mom thinks drugs and sex might be what is going on, and the dad thinks not. So opposite reactions. In both cases, they are girls, who got new parents who were not associated with the college campus at all. In both cases, the new "parents" have taken on multiple new "daughters" and not just the one. In the case of the girl who had gone to public school, she had a lot of friends and dumped them all. In the case of the girl who had been home schooled, she did not have a lot of friends but I think she still speaks to the ones she has. 

 

 

Yes, it does worry me. I have mostly sons, so I am not immediately worried. And I assume that by the time my little girl goes to college, I won't be thinking about this. I am not exactly religious, so my son's religions would not bother me a ton, I don't think anyway. As long as they don't try to recruit me for their religions. I am quite bothered by the idea of sending a child off to college, as a freshman, and having people come from off campus and recruit children for religion.

 

Which..I just had an epiphany...did we all discuss this already? I think we did. It goes on here. But outsiders, not otherwise associated with the schools, at the public schools, can come on to campus during lunch hour to eat with students and try to recruit them for their churches. This really bothers me. I wonder how the schools even screen who comes in. It is wrong on every level. If they are just there to recruit for their churches, that is bad enough. But I would imagine anyone could come in with whatever agenda. It would give an opening for an adult to entice a child into anything.

 

OK..so...I guess I am bothered. I do not like the idea of other adults who do not otherwise have business with the school, coming on to campus, the high school or college, and trying to recruit for things like that. I guess this is just another thing I need to add to the list of life skills to teach the kids. 

 

are you talking college?  or high school?  at university, technically the students are adults.  high schools usually have policies that ban "outsiders" from campus.  

 

This is not always just a "phase".  My eldest DD reaffirmed her faith before going to college (northern Maine).  From the moment she started classes, if the professor(s) found out she was Christian, they actively tried to shame her into renouncing her beliefs in favor of scientism/atheism.  Her group of friends also pressured her endlessly.  I know this because she would call us every.single.day.  She actually dropped a class because the professor was so overt in singling her out and telling her she would make sure that she would destroy DD's faith.

 

Well, during her 3rd year, DD succumbed to all the peer pressure and renounced Christianity.  Then, she promptly renounced us for not agreeing with her new philosophy or endorsing it. She cut off all ties with us for a year.  That was an agonizing year. Then one night I got a call from her crying. She was contemplating suicide and it was all my fault.  I immediately, in a calm voice, told her I loved her, had always loved her, and would always love her regardless, and reminded her that she was the one to cut off communication.  I also, lovingly and calmly, explained to her that taking her life was not something that I would feel guilty about.  I told her I would be devastated, but doing something that drastic would be her decision alone and not something I had any control over. I tried to give her the suicide hotline number and told her we would help her get counseling. She refused, but we talked for over an hour.  At the end of that hour, she had calmed down and felt better.  She promised to keep in contact. 

 

The biggest thing that got through to her was me pointing out that it wasn't us trying to convert her and refusing to love her unless...it was her doing that very thing to us...trying to force us into accepting her lifestyle and renouncing our beliefs (not talking about homosexuality here).  That was the light-bulb moment for her.  So much for Christians doing all the proselytizing; forcing views; and being bigoted.

 

Anyway, that was about 4 years ago.  We stay in contact regularly.  She is agnostic now and lives a lifestyle we don't approve of or endorse, but she totally understands that that does not mean we don't love her very, very much and always will regardless...

 

Youngest DD has watched, listened, and learned all through our family's ordeal.  She is now terrified to go to college.  I keep telling her there are all kinds of trials in life that she will face regardless of whether it's in college, the workforce, or just hanging out with friends.  She will be challenged not because she is intolerant, but because the world is intolerant of Jesus and His word, and everyday we need to reaffirm our commitment to Him regardless of the situation or soft "persecution" we face.  We need to realize that when we are called ignorant, bigoted, intolerant, and/or uneducated, it's not us they are judging; it's Jesus.

hugs.  I have a friend who is going through similar with her married adult daughter.   her grandchildren are being hurt by their parents meltdowns.  (the oldest is having to "babysit" the younger ones more and more, and mom and dad are spending more and more time going out partying.  hopefully one day they'll start acting like grown-ups again.  for their children's sake if nothing else.)

[MaeFlowers]

Given what you have added, I would be even more concerned about the first family. Unless she was incredibly insulated and all of her friends and family belonged to the same church, I don't think it has anything to do with religion. I think something else is going on. Even the new parents may not have anything to do with it. It's hard to know without more information. It could be drugs or it could be severe mental illness (which is what I am leaning toward.)

[Sherry in OH]

Well, what I thought was drugs and/or sexual stuff. Funny thing is, in the one family, the mom thinks it is a weird phase the daughter needs to ride out but the dad thinks something seedy is going on. In the other case, the mom thinks drugs and sex might be what is going on, and the dad thinks not. So opposite reactions. In both cases, they are girls, who got new parents who were not associated with the college campus at all. In both cases, the new "parents" have taken on multiple new "daughters" and not just the one. In the case of the girl who had gone to public school, she had a lot of friends and dumped them all. In the case of the girl who had been home schooled, she did not have a lot of friends but I think she still speaks to the ones she has. 

 

 

Yes, it does worry me. I have mostly sons, so I am not immediately worried. And I assume that by the time my little girl goes to college, I won't be thinking about this. I am not exactly religious, so my son's religions would not bother me a ton, I don't think anyway. As long as they don't try to recruit me for their religions. I am quite bothered by the idea of sending a child off to college, as a freshman, and having people come from off campus and recruit children for religion.

 

Which..I just had an epiphany...did we all discuss this already? I think we did. It goes on here. But outsiders, not otherwise associated with the schools, at the public schools, can come on to campus during lunch hour to eat with students and try to recruit them for their churches. This really bothers me. I wonder how the schools even screen who comes in. It is wrong on every level. If they are just there to recruit for their churches, that is bad enough. But I would imagine anyone could come in with whatever agenda. It would give an opening for an adult to entice a child into anything.

 

OK..so...I guess I am bothered. I do not like the idea of other adults who do not otherwise have business with the school, coming on to campus, the high school or college, and trying to recruit for things like that. I guess this is just another thing I need to add to the list of life skills to teach the kids. 

 

 

A young woman considering a friend’s mother or another supporting adult her second mom is normal.  Stating that her parents are no longer her parents and she has new parents is concerning.  This combined with dropping all friends sounds like either she's joined a cult or she was raised in a cult and has severed ties with it.  

 

Public university and many private school campuses are open to the public. Access to buildings and services varies, but anyone can walk onto the campus grounds and talk to anyone who stops to listen.  Think of the commons areas as shopping malls. You never know who you will bump into. Even if the school bans a person from its premises, it cannot ban the person from being in the vicinity of the campus.  Religious groups, anti-religious groups, military organizations, anti-military organizations, clubs, and and cults can all be found near or on college campuses.   

[Blossom'sGirl]

We had an adopted college kid for awhile.  He actually is my husband's cousin.  It was all about the food.  We fed him.  He is now a nurse and we use him for free health info.

[regentrude]

But outsiders, not otherwise associated with the schools, at the public schools, can come on to campus during lunch hour to eat with students and try to recruit them for their churches. This really bothers me. I wonder how the schools even screen who comes in. It is wrong on every level. If they are just there to recruit for their churches, that is bad enough. But I would imagine anyone could come in with whatever agenda. It would give an opening for an adult to entice a child into anything.

 

OK..so...I guess I am bothered. I do not like the idea of other adults who do not otherwise have business with the school, coming on to campus, the high school or college, and trying to recruit for things like that. I guess this is just another thing I need to add to the list of life skills to teach the kids. 

 

If you are talking public schools (K-12), I would file a complaint if the school gave proselytizers access to the campus, but I find it highly unlikely that a public high school allows random strangers to have lunch with the students. Not something I ever heard of.

 

If it is a college: they are adults, and campuses should be open  - both literally and metaphorically. Totally different ball park. 

[Janeway]

If you are talking public schools (K-12), I would file a complaint if the school gave proselytizers access to the campus, but I find it highly unlikely that a public high school allows random strangers to have lunch with the students. Not something I ever heard of.

 

If it is a college: they are adults, and campuses should be open - both literally and metaphorically. Totally different ball park.

they do here. They routinely go to high school campuses. I thought this board had already discussed this issue.

[heartlikealion]

If you are talking public schools (K-12), I would file a complaint if the school gave proselytizers access to the campus, but I find it highly unlikely that a public high school allows random strangers to have lunch with the students. Not something I ever heard of.

 

If it is a college: they are adults, and campuses should be open  - both literally and metaphorically. Totally different ball park. 

 

Depends. Dh works at a college and not everything is open to everyone. For example, the community may only go into the library during set hours. So yes, I think that someone could report you if you were coming on campus and bugging students.