How can I politely reach out?

[Rachel]

I want to be sensitive so I am going to try to give enough details without jumping to conclusions.

 

Is there a way for me to reach out to a mom I don't know to ask how I can help support her? I don't want to offend her, she just seems overwhelmed.

 

There is a boy who attends the same PE class as my kids, I believe he is 11. Last year he was in the same group as my son and they were friendly with each other although I wouldn't say they became friends. This year the boy is an older group. He is obviously very intelligent but rarely participates in any of the classes. He frequently wanders off unless he gets one on one attention from the instructor which the classes are not set up to allow for. He will often roam the halls at the y looking for his mom. From her I suspect he does better when she isn't in the room. He has difficulty following directions, in swimming last year he wanted to do his own thing and never participated with the group. At first I thought he was defiant, but on further observation he is possibly fearful of the water. In the gym classes he again has difficulty following directions, it comes across as defiance but I think there is more to the situation, I don't want to guess what because I have no experience with this. He gets frustrated easily and doesn't seem to want to be with the group but does ok one on one with other kids. For example if everyone is shooting hoops, he goes to the other end of the court and refuses to be with the other kids. If one kid joins him he is fine but if the rest of the group comes down there he is likely to leave the gym. He must be getting something out of attending these classes because it isn't free and he has been attending for years.

 

Anyway, I don't want to be nosy, but if there were some way I could reach out to this mom and figure out how to offer support during classes I would like to help. Would that be appropriate? Or would that just be seen as rude since I don't really know them? The mom is kind and we have talked, but never about anything deep.

[Innisfree]

Okay, I can see the issues the boy is having, and I can see your concern and good intentions.

 

I'm not sure why you feel the mother is overwhelmed and needs help. Could you clarify?

 

Eta: not implying that she does not need help, just not seeing the specifics. For example, maybe she is trying to keep the boy engaged with his group, but maybe her goals are accomplished by what is already happening.

Edited September 22, 2016 by Innisfree

[Lecka]

I guess I say what pp is saying.... it is hard to know if this is actually really good for this boy, or if it is actually really bad for this boy.

 

I could see it being major progress for him, and she is happy that he is doing as good as he is. 

 

There is also a chance it is a social outlet for the mother. 

 

It sounds like he could really benefit from having one-on-one support, though, and I think.... I don't know a good way to bring it up, but I think it is very nice and could be helpful.  Maybe you could also just volunteer generically and then happen to offer that one-on-one help, without it being labelled as "I am here to help this one kid."  That is how a lot of things can be done, when there are negatives to a specific kid being "that kid who is getting special help," which can have drawbacks.  But maybe the help can still be there. 

 

Like -- maybe the main teacher could have more buddy or small group times, and you just happen to be near this kid's 2-person or 3-person group.

 

That is how it can be in public school PE when one kid needs support but it would be a label if it came across like "here is this kid's helper." 

 

But if this kid is participating for an amount of time, maybe the mom is satisfied with that, and thinks that the full time is not a reasonable goal right now.

 

Another idea is -- maybe you could think about inviting this boy over, if your son would be okay with that.  If he got comfortable with other kids outside of the PE class, it might help a little.  I don't think that is a full solution but it is the kind of thing that might help, too.  He is not in your son's group now, but it can be really powerful if a kid wanders and another child calls him to come back.  That is something where getting to know or spend time with another kid (or kids) in the group in a way that goes a lot better for this kid (whatever he likes or is better at) then it can help in PE. 

 

But it is really easy to offend parents, too, and it is hard to know if there are no other options (like where it is set up to go a little better for kids who might struggle) or if maybe he does other things like that and this is his one "normal" thing that his mom really wants him to do, or if she is in denial, or what.  He could be doing multiple other things and then this is the thing his mom does to see "how does he do and what do we need to work on" and lets him spread his wings a bit.  Or not.

 

So anyway -- I don't know. 

 

But it is so appreciated that you don't just look at him and see a behavior issue. 

 

But I think if you say one thing one time, and see if she is receptive -- I think that is worth a shot.  I don't think people get too annoyed if something is mentioned once and then if she gives a vibe like she doesn't want to discuss it you can drop it.  But if you put it out that you are interested, maybe even if she doesn't do it immediately, at least she knows you are a friendly face and not viewing him as a behavior problem. 

Edited September 22, 2016 by Lecka

[Rachel]

I don't really know how to describe why I think this mom is overwhelmed, she just seems really tired every week and I can tell her child is challenging for her. Her mannerisms seem frustrated. He isn't a bad kid, though he can get pretty animated at times. The teachers of the pe class are just other moms trying to engage 10-15 other kids so they don't have specific training to help him. I suspect if he was in a public school he would get in trouble a lot but in this setting he is definitely accepted.

 

They weren't there today so I didn't get to speak to the mom. We live in opposite directions of the town where the class is, so I'm not sure a "play date" would work without a ton of driving but we could try to get together before class for lunch or after class just to play.

 

It very well may be that her child is doing great for him, I don't know the family so he could be doing awesome. That's part of why I wanted to know if there was a way to approach her without it coming across as rude. If she feels like pe class is a safe place where people leave her alone, I don't want to ruin it for her. It could be that there isn't really anything I could do to help. I am there for two hours every week though and if I could be helpful, I would like to offer that assistance.

[Rachel]

Oh and quite a few of the families participate in a weekly co-op, he does too so I know he knows the other kids but he doesn't seem to be friends with them. We are not involved in the co-op.

[Innisfree]

I think I might just be friendly to her, if you think that would feel natural.

 

I think you've described what you're seeing quite well. But I think you've already identified the danger of making her feel self-conscious or unwelcome based on her son's behavior. If it were me, a genuine friend would be very welcome. I would be uncomfortable if I thought someone was just approaching me based on concerns about my child, though. But maybe, once you talk with her more, ways to help might become apparent.

 

I agree with Lecka that encouraging a relationship between the two boys might end up helping him feel more comfortable in the group. But this really will depend on whether the two of them genuinely get along.

[Rachel]

I think I might just be friendly to her, if you think that would feel natural.

 

I think you've described what you're seeing quite well. But I think you've already identified the danger of making her feel self-conscious or unwelcome based on her son's behavior. If it were me, a genuine friend would be very welcome. I would be uncomfortable if I thought someone was just approaching me based on concerns about my child, though. But maybe, once you talk with her more, ways to help might become apparent.

 

I agree with Lecka that encouraging a relationship between the two boys might end up helping him feel more comfortable in the group. But this really will depend on whether the two of them genuinely get along.

Thanks for your input. The two boys did get along quite well last year but being in different groups this year they are always in different parts of the building and don't really see each other. I really like his mom and could see a friendship forming there. I think I'm going to see if they want to go to the park or something after class next week but I won't approach her about her son unless it comes up naturally.

[PeterPan]

Sorry, didn't see this.  It's not jumping to conclusions to say the 11 yo's behavior is not within the realm of socially typical and that he would benefit from intervention.  It's the dark, dirty secret in homeschooling that disabilities that would have been identified in the ps are getting missed or identified late.  I think it's part of the isolationist, I can do it myself, I can read a book and learn it, attitude of homeschooling.  

 

I think the leadership of the co-op ought to be more direct.  His behavior is not appropriate in the class and is not safe.  She should be required to come in and provide support herself so that he can have the appropriate, expected behavior, or go get evals so they can determine what supports are needed.  The ps will provide free evals.  

 

A co-op does not have to hold their head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.  His behavior is not appropriate, not controllable by the teacher, and not safe.  Therefore the co-op should not tolerate it.  If the co-op doesn't confront the mother (with gentleness, with love) who WILL?  There can be a very anti-eval sentiment in the home, maybe on the part of one parent or whatever.  Sometimes gentle, reasonable, objective confrontation can help with that.  The leadership is not saying what the diagnosis is, only that his behavior is not appropriate and not safe and that she must either provide supports or get an IEP made so that he can have appropriate supports.  

 

Some co-ops have behavior policies and state these things explicitly in their rules handbook.  This is a chance for the co-op to update their operating procedures. I wouldn't consider it your problem, on an individual level, to solve.  I would not offer to be the aide for the child.  It's not a field you're experienced in, and it could go very ill.  It's a problem the family has to solve by being confronted with the need.

Edited September 24, 2016 by OhElizabeth

[AngelaVA]

I'm not sure I am reading that the child is doing anything unsafe or that we can presume anything atypical is undiagnosed. Just because a child has a diagnosis doesn't mean that everyone is going to know about it or that they are going to suddenly act typically.

 

The minor participating he is doing could be really good for him. I think it's up to the teachers to say if he's being disruptive.

 

We finally gave up on PE at the Y with my physically disabled child even though the teachers were fine with it the kids and parents could not get over staring at her the entire class and the kids could not stop asking over and over why she couldn't run as far, why she couldn't do certain things etc. And yeah I probably looked tired and overwhelmed at times but it's not like anyone is going to come over and give me a pep talk that's going to help me make my child more typical (I'm not saying you think this but some people act that way). The best thing you can do is be friendly and teach your kids about differences.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[mom of 2 boys]

I have a 5 year old with autism who's behavior is similar to what you are describing. He's also taking a PE class (at the Y), but he has a 1:1 aide there to help him at all times. We just started attending these classes a few weeks ago, but last week, one of the moms really went out of her way to be nice to my son, and that actually helped ME feel supported because I felt that we were welcome and accepted there. It would be amazing if one of the moms would try to be my friend, even if they're only my friend during PE class and we have no connection whatsoever outside of that. If they would sit next to me, and act like they're happy to see me, that would just be so amazing. I am not very good at socializing, and I am very tired and overwhelmed at most times, especially after actually getting the kids to the Y, and I am just not very likely to go out of my way to socialize right now, even though I still need that interaction with other people. When someone goes out of their way to be nice to me or my children, it honestly brightens up my day so much! I don't know if that helps you or not, but just keep in mind that a little bit goes a long way - especially if the mother really is having a hard time. I am still thinking about how that mom was so nice to my child days later, and it literally only took maybe 30 seconds of her time and a sincere smile. 

 

[gardenmom5]

I want to be sensitive so I am going to try to give enough details without jumping to conclusions.

 

Is there a way for me to reach out to a mom I don't know to ask how I can help support her? I don't want to offend her, she just seems overwhelmed.

 

There is a boy who attends the same PE class as my kids, I believe he is 11. Last year he was in the same group as my son and they were friendly with each other although I wouldn't say they became friends. This year the boy is an older group. He is obviously very intelligent but rarely participates in any of the classes. He frequently wanders off unless he gets one on one attention from the instructor which the classes are not set up to allow for. He will often roam the halls at the y looking for his mom. From her I suspect he does better when she isn't in the room. He has difficulty following directions, in swimming last year he wanted to do his own thing and never participated with the group. At first I thought he was defiant, but on further observation he is possibly fearful of the water. In the gym classes he again has difficulty following directions, it comes across as defiance but I think there is more to the situation, I don't want to guess what because I have no experience with this. He gets frustrated easily and doesn't seem to want to be with the group but does ok one on one with other kids. For example if everyone is shooting hoops, he goes to the other end of the court and refuses to be with the other kids. If one kid joins him he is fine but if the rest of the group comes down there he is likely to leave the gym. He must be getting something out of attending these classes because it isn't free and he has been attending for years.

 

Anyway, I don't want to be nosy, but if there were some way I could reach out to this mom and figure out how to offer support during classes I would like to help. Would that be appropriate? Or would that just be seen as rude since I don't really know them? The mom is kind and we have talked, but never about anything deep.

 

this sounds so much like dudeling . . .

 

he may also have issues registering the instructions he's given, or there is too much going on and he's overwhelmed because he has difficulty ignoring non-essential stuff.   

 

just reach out and start helping him work on his project in class.  things that seem obvious to someone who is neurotically - can be alien or even invisible to an asd kid.

 

invite him to play with your boys (will give her a break)

 

he may or may not be getting anything out of them.   the mom may simply be trying the best she can to do those things she hopes will benefit her son.

 

[gardenmom5]

Sorry, didn't see this.  It's not jumping to conclusions to say the 11 yo's behavior is not within the realm of socially typical and that he would benefit from intervention.  It's the dark, dirty secret in homeschooling that disabilities that would have been identified in the ps are getting missed or identified late.  I think it's part of the isolationist, I can do it myself, I can read a book and learn it, attitude of homeschooling.  

 

I think the leadership of the co-op ought to be more direct.  His behavior is not appropriate in the class and is not safe.  She should be required to come in and provide support herself so that he can have the appropriate, expected behavior, or go get evals so they can determine what supports are needed.  The ps will provide free evals.  

 

A co-op does not have to hold their head in the sand and pretend it's not happening.  His behavior is not appropriate, not controllable by the teacher, and not safe.  Therefore the co-op should not tolerate it.  If the co-op doesn't confront the mother (with gentleness, with love) who WILL?  There can be a very anti-eval sentiment in the home, maybe on the part of one parent or whatever.  Sometimes gentle, reasonable, objective confrontation can help with that.  The leadership is not saying what the diagnosis is, only that his behavior is not appropriate and not safe and that she must either provide supports or get an IEP made so that he can have appropriate supports.  

 

Some co-ops have behavior policies and state these things explicitly in their rules handbook.  This is a chance for the co-op to update their operating procedures. I wouldn't consider it your problem, on an individual level, to solve.  I would not offer to be the aide for the child.  It's not a field you're experienced in, and it could go very ill.  It's a problem the family has to solve by being confronted with the need.

 

 

to add: and if I don't do it myself . . . I'm a failure.  (especially in a strong "do it myself" community)   which keeps people from seeking intervention when it's clearly needed.  these kids can do well, but they need support and extra one-on-one instruction that isn't needed by neurotypical kids.