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How to approach one sibling parenting another: staying at home alone?


againstthegrain
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I've busily been reading old threads discussion about leaving kids alone at home in relation to ages (and state laws). One topic I didn't see covered, which I am hoping for some discussion, related to siblings.

 

Our son, almost 9 is very responsible and very mature. I have no issue leaving him home alone for up to a couple hours and being assured he will follow rules and that he knows all safety needs, etc. When I reflect on why he has these abilities, I see a history when he was 6 and 7 of failing and trying again - opening a door for a stranger (FedEx man who had a birthday scooter for him), not coming home from a friend's house by a certain time, not looking when crossing the street and re-discussing it repeatedly or leaving a friends house to go... to the park, for example, without communicating with us. I let him grow by letting him fail.

 

I haven't done the same with our younger child and she doesn't show the growth our older child does. I want to give her that freedom to fail to grow and feel it is worth the risk. My only big concern is my older child will parent her and restrict her to the point of causing her to make poor choices to get away from him or rebel against his oversight - which I would probably honestly do if I had an older sibling as well. As a result of homeschooling, simply growing together....she sees herself as his peer, not a younger child that he should watch over. 

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how to give her this growth without worry of sibling problems from the older child parenting the younger one? It's a struggle for us as we have taught our son to watch out for his younger sister (2 years younger). Our goal is to give them the ability to stay at home, together, alone (with our neighborhood of adopted grandparents all within a house away) for maybe an hour, hour and a half to foster independence and growth.

 

Not looking for discussion on whether it is acceptable at X age to leave kids, etc. The other threads had plenty of that. I am searching for a good discussion on how to manage sibling relationships in regard to staying at home alone. Thank you!!

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In general, everyday sibling things, how are they at conflict resolution? Do they come running to you and dad to solve the problem or can they compromise?

 

I would establish the "Intervention Topics" and I would talk about the spirit behind those topics being "Intervention Topics".  When mom and dad aren't around, then what Big Brother says about X Y and Z is THE LAW. Period. She doesn't have to like it, but she MUST obey about that.

Out side of THE LAW, sis has the freedom to make mistakes.

 

Role play a few scenarios in advance. Maybe talk about the times you as a child, and Big Bro got into trouble for doing X, Y and Z and how can Lil Sis learn from that instances.

 

Emphasize to Big Bro that he has grown so much because he's had a chance to make mistakes and that it's okay for Lil Sis to make some mistakes too, and not to get bent out of shape or go nuts if she does.

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To add, I think the dynamic for the first verses the second (and so forth but I can only speak about the first and second kid) is different and the same stuff doesn't always work for each at the same time.  It is what it is.  My kids are 14.5 and 11.  They both stay home no problem either on their own or together, but I played it by ear with considering when each of them was ready to do that.  For awhile I would allow them both to stay home alone, but not together. Now I can. 

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We've never left one child in charge of another. When they are home alone (and even when they started staying home years ago), they are responsible for themselves. I've repeated several times over the years that I am the parent and they don't need to be, and I've enforced the "are you telling me this to get your brother into trouble or out of it?" question.

 

Also, remember your younger child isn't growing up in the same family that your older child did. She's got a resource in him that he didn't have. If she learns the same lessons a different way, that's okay.

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At first I did not leave my older two home alone at the same time. Oldest started staying for short periods at 8. When he was 11 middle got the same opportunity, when oldest was not home, such as when oldest was being dropped off somewhere.

 

When I started leaving them home at the same time, neither was in charge. One was assigned to the basement rec room where there is a TV and an exit to the outside (in case of emergency exit). The other was upstairs also with a TV available. Both had other entertainment available as well. That way neither was in charge.

 

When they were older (14 and 11) I started leaving the youngest who has special needs. For various reasons, the 11 was in charge of youngest, but neither oldest or middle were in charge of each other.

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