Where do you go to find friends?

[Tsutsie]

My DS11 is an extrovert. He is well liked by his peers but utterly lonely. 

 

There is a whole pack of boys around his age in our street, but he has no interest in spending time with them. He says they are immature and boring, following every middle-school fad there is. Right now it seems to be "burning" and Pokemon Go. He has little interest in video games.

 

Last night he told me that his best friends are his violin group class friends. They are a bunch of 14+ year old girls. I asked him what they talk about and he said that he does not really talk to them, but it's nice to be around them. They are funny and kind. He plays in the youth symphony, and has a few friend there, but they do not see each other outside of practice time.

 

He fences - no friends there.

 

He wants to do drama, as he thinks there might be like minded people around. He can't wait until he is 12 to join the army cadets. They do cool things - like long backcountry hikes, mountain rescue training, international exchange programs, etc. 

 

Where/how did your kids find intellectual peers? How do you explain to them that they are not "abnormal" and that they should keep on trying to make friends wherever they go. It almost seems like he has given up. 

 

 

[Dmmetler]

Well, the fact that we're considering a move of about 3,000 miles mostly for social reasons says a lot....

 

 

Intellectual peers in her interest area? Herpetology conferences. That's about the only place she has others she can relate to at that level of intensity and knowledge, and who challenge and stretch her.  She also enjoys and has fun chatting online with kids she's met at summer programs and through online classes.

 

DD has several friend groups, and she tends to partition what she does with each. We do clubs (and in the past have done co-ops for social reasons) that focus on specific topics of interest. DD doesn't get stretched by these friend groups, but they are at least people who also enjoy X and they have a common topic of conversation.

 

Cheer team is also a social outlet, and DD likes it because she's not the best there. Being a smart, but less coordinated kid means that yeah, she's the first person to remember the routine and can keep everyone on task-but she's not the first to master much of anything else. Her coach moved her up to a senior team (typically high school-in DD's division, you can compete in senior until you graduate high school or until the end of the season in which you turn 18, whichever comes last (this rule was actually modified specifically for DD, who was concerned about graduating early making her ineligible), and she mostly socializes with a few other younger girls on that team who also moved up early.

 

DD didn't seem to miss it much and was happy with the status quo until we started doing the summer DYS stuff. Once she'd had the experience of being in a group of kids her age who share her interests and think as quickly as she does, who have interests and intensities that don't match her, but are similarly strong, and who are in the same place, she's been a lot less satisfied with getting her intellectual stimulation from grad students and professionals and her "being 11" stuff from other kids her age. And the kids her age population she has access to is dwindling rapidly, as a lot of homeschoolers move into either heavy outsourcing (often outsourcing almost everything to the couple of day a week university model programs) or back into school, and the cheerleaders start getting school teams as an option and tend to move off of the competitive rec teams.

 

FWIW, Pokemon Go has been a big help here-because DD was introduced to it by the college/grad students, many of whom also started to use it as a tool for science outreach and communication, via things like #PokeBlitz (identifying real animals posted in photos taken by PokemonGo players) and #PokemonIRL. It's also given her a common language with kids her age, and something they can do together-because while they are out in a park looking for grass types, DD can be flipping logs and pointing out skinks and toads. It's the first video game that she's ever had an interest in.  (She largely missed Minecraft, which also would have been a similar bridge).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wheres Toto]

My kids have good friends with similar interests in our 4-H STEM group.  Ds has made friends at our university G&T summer camp but he only sees them at summer camp (they trade emails/Minecraft server information and keep it touch that way).  They have other friends from choir and Sunday School.

 

Honestly, getting them a Minecraft server and Pokémon Go have really helped my somewhat socially awkward/quirky kids relate to others.

[Pen]

Twice in my life for 2 or 4 year stint, I got to be in schools for "gifted" students. That was a huge help.  

 

Can you invite kids from youth symphony to do something outside of class time? Could be others would also like that, but everyone is waiting for someone else to initiate it.

 

If he likes hikes etc., how about scouts or maybe a 4H group?  

[quark]

Is it possible to create a community online? And then try to see if anyone in the growing community lives close to you and meet that way?

 

DS has a grand total of 3 close friends and maybe 2-3 more outside of that circle. This happened only because some wonderful moms created their own community many years ago and we were lucky to find out about it. DS practically grew up with these kids. They don't have the same interests but can at least chat at the same level when they meet.

 

Mine is much more comfortable with older people. Even his closest friends from this community, though still teens, are all older than him. Sometimes, that's really what it is. If your DS engages better with the girls for now, keep finding opportunities for that (but I know it's not easy as the girls might not want to hang out outside of music opportunities with a 11yo boy).

 

I think drama is a good idea.

[MinivanMom]

We are fortunate to live in an affluent, suburban area where there are more serious, intellectually-curious kids than average. Even with that, my kids have found the middle school years to be really hard in that regard. There seems to be some sort of cultural dumbing-down that happens at this age, and even kids who had built up a support system can find themselves outgrowing their friends or having their friends outgrow them. It's so hard, and I think it's important to point out that it's hard for nearly everyone at that age: highly-intelligent, struggling in school, overweight, developed early, shortest among their peers, different interests, etc. They are not alone or unique in feeling lonely or different.

 

For our ds11, he has found several close friends through Boy Scouts. There has been a lot of long-term consistency with the Scouting activities, and they've provided a setting where he can connect with other boys over outdoor activities even if they don't completely connect on an intellectual level. We have found sports and classes to be a much harder arena for making friends, but he still enjoys playing and spending time on the field with other boys each week. Unfortunately, ds plays a solitary instrument so that's not helpful for making friends at this point, but our older dd has made many of her closest friends through orchestral groups and ballet. There's something about music and the fine arts that attracts a higher than average number of highly intelligent kids. She has had an easier time making friends with the high-commitment groups, because there are simply more hours spent with peers where they can develop a relationship. 

 

In your situation, I would pursue drama and continue to encourage your ds with developing relationships through orchestral groups. 

[Arcadia]

He plays in the youth symphony, and has a few friend there, but they do not see each other outside of practice time

 

My downstairs neighbor's son is in youth orchestra. His mom and another mom takes turn hosting play/study dates for the strings (violin/viola/cello/bass) kids in the youth orchestra that stays within walking distance. So sometimes kids do their math homework together afterschool even if they come from different private schools and then practice their instruments together.

 

DS11 has never been into close friends but he likes human crowd so as long as he has outside activities/classes he is happy.  DS10 had wanted close friends at a younger age because he associate that with playdates and birthday party invites. Now he isn't bothered by it because he is happy with online forums and he also realised that playdates and party invites sometimes have more to do with diplomacy (like all classmates or all girls are invited) than with whether you are liked by the host.

 

My DS10 wants to try Model UN at YMCA and I might put DS11 in speech and debate because he is so extremely quiet.  People do make friends in both activities if followed by gatherings outside of class time.

[....]

I posted in the other friend thread...  My oldest two kids are just now starting to find friends (they're 14 and 13).  My daughter just had her first sleep-over a couple of weeks ago.  (Yay!!)  

 

My son is really into competitive sports - he's made most of his friends through that.  He's also trying his hand at multiple sports (I guess, which means more dude friends).

 

My daughter has 2 volunteer jobs - one with an equestrian therapy place and another at a pit bull rescue.  She's made several friends there.  

 

They've also made friends at Youth Group (at church).  Most of the other kids homeschool, so I guess my kids blended in.   :001_rolleyes:

 

We just got them cell phones and he's actually been going over his texting limit.  It's been very exciting after watching them spend their entire childhoods friendless!   :tongue_smilie:

[Runningmom80]

We are struggling with this too.  My DS is starting to make friends in his after school creative writing group.  He goes twice a week for 2 hours which I think helps in the friend making department, since he's around them relatively frequently.

 

He's also going to do a social skills program for the next 10 weeks.  It's kind of marketed to high IQ kids, and just helps them learn how to take turns in conversation, realize when someone might be getting board with the bombarding of info from the GT kid, showing empathy, etc.  My DS kind of kisses the spectrum so this might not be something your child needs.  I am not sure mine needs it, but he's almost 10 with no real friends despite my over involving him in activities where kids are present.