Jump to content


What's with the ads?

Photo
- - - - -

CAP W&R 2016-2017


50 replies to this topic

What's with the ads?

#1 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 07 September 2016 - 10:30 AM

Here is a link to the 2015 Fable thread, which has a link to the 2013-2014 thread as well (there might be more threads for the other books - today is our 2nd day of the school year and we just started Fable yesterday, but I'm cool with people posting from any of the books in this thread).

 

http://forums.welltr...hread-for-2015/

 

So, my reluctant* writer 9yo HFA 4th grader, Lesson 1:

 

The mouse and the ant

 

A mouse saw a ant so it picked it up to eat it, but then the ant said spare me, I will surely repay you later. Ten days later the mouse fell upside down and it called for help, then the ant came and slowly but surely got the mouse upside up.

 

*We didn't do much writing in 3rd grade (was going to do Fable, but people talked me out of it as being too advanced, and into The Most Wonderful Writing Lessons Ever, which just didn't really happen much because it was too vague), and in 2nd grade PS his 1-1 aide had to talk him through pretty much any sentence because he'd get stuck and write *nothing*, so, I'm happy with him writing this without any hand holding, even though it's super short and not perfect.


  • Janeway likes this

#2 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 09 September 2016 - 12:27 PM

Lesson 2:

 

Summary of The Lion and the Three Young Bulls:

 

He [The lion] tried to attack them [the bulls] several times, but they kept together and helped each other. When the lion came to look, he saw [them] as far away from each other as possable. It was now a esay way to attack them.

 

(he added the corrections in brackets after I read the summary back to him)

 

Amplification of The Hunter and the Doves (first attempt):

 

A flock of red Doves spotted some brown seeds statted on the ground. Then all the Doves went down to eat these seeds, but then a hunter shot one of his nets at the Doves. So the King Dove named Beak said grap part of the net and fly up! By doing that the Red Doves got out of the net and fly away while the hunter was pissed.

 

Somehow, he managed to make that 11 words shorter than the original (he added some details, but then left out some others). So, meltdown, break, and second attempt:

 

A flock of Red Doves spotted some brown scatted on the ground. Then they flew down to eat the brown seeds, a hunter hiding in the tree droped down and shot one of his nets at them. The Red Doves were traped! Then the King Dove named Beak told the other Red Doves to each lift up a sting of the net and flap their wings. By doing that they droped the net on the hunter and flyed away. The hunter was pissed. (He also added "and trapped!" at the end, but erased that before showing it to me).

 

Which apparently is only 3 words more than the original (would've been 5 more if he'd left "and trapped!" at the end, or 6 if he'd actually written 'seeds' in the first sentence instead of accidentally leaving that out). But, at least he added the exciting detail of the doves dropping the net back on the hunter. :)

 

We also ended up having a chat about expectations for 4th grade writing... to expect multiple paragraphs and 10-15+ min per assignment, not a few sentences done in 2 min...


Edited by luuknam, 09 September 2016 - 12:27 PM.


#3 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 14 September 2016 - 11:49 AM

Gradual improvement:

 

Lesson 3

 

Amplification of The Crow and the Pitcher:

 

A crow was dying of thirst during a terribe drougt. The leaves of trees are turning browner. The lakes and pouds were dry. The crow found a big but narrow pitcher with water, but the crow was'nt able to get the water. Then the crow saw pebbles so then the crow deciended to drop some pebbles in the pitcher. Then the crow crow drank the water. The crow saved his life.
 

1.52 times the length of the original (70 vs 46 words - I'm not counting the accidental doubling of crow in the sentence before the last).

 

Summary of The Hare and the Partridge:

 

A Hare and a Partridge lived side by side. One day, a pack of hunting dogs came, and found the Hare. then the Partridge said that she would be a Partridge then a hare any day. At that moment a Hawk struck the Partridge.



#4 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 21 September 2016 - 04:46 PM

I will join in. My DS9 just finished Lesson 1. Here is his story exactly as he wrote it:

 

The Mouse and the Beetle

 

One day a mouse went looking for cheese. The mouses mom told him to watch out for any traps. He never liseten to  his mom, so guest what? He didn't listen this time. Then the mouse saw cheese and a beetle upon it. The mouse ran as fast he could to kill the beetle for steeling his prize. Has soon as the beetle was leaving the mouse grabbed him. The beetle said "spare me!" "I'll help you if you let me go!" The mouse let him go. Then the mouse tryed to get the cheese but he was trapped in a mouse trap. The beetle took a light rock and put it on the other end to get the mouse free. Then the got the cheese. The mouse and the beetle became good friends.


  • luuknam likes this

#5 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 23 September 2016 - 04:40 PM

This week has been a mess, what with me freaking out about passport application on Monday, getting up before 4am to go to NYC (for said passport application) on Tuesday and then getting home close to midnight, and then having to wake up early the next couple of mornings for Celery's therapies (some of which were moved from Tuesday), and everything. So, Celery did the summary assignment for lesson 4, but still needs to do the other one.

 

the Fox and the grapes

 

A fox one day saw a bunch of grapes. The fox had to jump for it. Each time he tried he missed. Then the fox said why am I wearing myself out to for grapes that are probably soar.

 

Oh, and he's got the first paragraph of the story memorized. We've never done memory work before, so it's been interesting (not too hard, but it seems like a rather long story to do as a first memorization assignment).


  • Sneezyone likes this

#6 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 26 September 2016 - 08:27 PM

The 'rewrite' assignment for lesson 4:

 

the wolf and the chicken

 

A wolf one day saw a chicken on the ground. So he decided to sneak up on the chicken, but then the chicken heard him and flew away. Apparently wolfs have a great sence of smell so he found the chicken again but each time he tried the chicken heard him and flew away. Why am I going for a chicken that is probably soar.

 

Btw, he asked for help spelling 'wolf' (got that one right on his own), 'decided' (got that right after I told him it was past tense), and 'apparently' (butchered that). And we of course had a conversation afterwards that chickens are not usually going to be sour, and what adjective might work better there (e.g. chewy/tough). He's also got the 2nd paragraph of The Fox and the Grapes memorized now (just one to go).


Edited by luuknam, 26 September 2016 - 08:32 PM.


#7 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 29 September 2016 - 10:18 AM

Lesson 2

 

Lion and Bull Summary

A lion was watching bulls eating in a big field. He attacked them alot, but he failed. The lion was struggling to get them. He couldn't stay away from a hard snack to get. One day the bulls separated. The lion came back and saw them separated. He ate them all one by one.

 

The Hunter and Dove Summary

One day alot of doves were feeding on seeds. then a hunter captured them. One of the birds said to lift the net. Then they lifted the net. Finally they were free.

 

These are original works before we discuss how to make them better / clearer and edit for errors.


  • luuknam likes this

#8 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 29 September 2016 - 11:38 PM

The Hunter and Dove Summary

One day alot of doves were feeding on seeds. [snip]

 

These are original works before we discuss how to make them better / clearer and edit for errors.

 

Are you familiar with the Alot? Wanted to mention it, because it's so amusing (and kids are unlikely to forget the space in "a lot" once they're familiar with the Alot):

 

http://hyperboleanda...everything.html

 

Btw, it looks like they misprinted the word 'summary' below the The Hunter and the Doves story - I was all like "didn't it say to do an amplification?", and confused seeing your son did a summary.



#9 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 30 September 2016 - 05:02 PM

Are you familiar with the Alot? Wanted to mention it, because it's so amusing (and kids are unlikely to forget the space in "a lot" once they're familiar with the Alot):

 

http://hyperboleanda...everything.html

 

Btw, it looks like they misprinted the word 'summary' below the The Hunter and the Doves story - I was all like "didn't it say to do an amplification?", and confused seeing your son did a summary.

 

I was not familiar with Alot, but I am now :). Thanks! This will be fun to show him because my explanation was the boring -- it is supposed to be 'a lot' not 'alot'.

 

We ended up doing the Lesson 2 amplification orally bc of what you pointed out. He did that section independently and didn't connect the explanation above to the 'Summary' section below. I let him off the hook and let him tell me one line he would add to the summary.


  • luuknam likes this

#10 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 01 October 2016 - 09:14 AM

We ended up doing the Lesson 2 amplification orally bc of what you pointed out. He did that section independently and didn't connect the explanation above to the 'Summary' section below. I let him off the hook and let him tell me one line he would add to the summary.

 

Yes, that's what I thought probably happened. And I probably would've done the same thing if my kid had done that (what with him not being enthusiastic about writing). I only have the teacher's edition, and I type up the stories to amplify or summarize, otherwise my son would probably have done the same thing (thinking of getting the teacher's and student's editions for the next book so he can work more independently).



#11 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 03 October 2016 - 08:29 PM

The Crow and Pitcher Amplification (completed independently by doing draft one day and 'Revise and Edit' the next)

Mrs. Crow was dizzy and super thirsty in a every year drought. Mrs. Crow saw no water from area to area, not even an animal. The sweaty Mrs. Crow was so focosted [focused] on water she could only see water. Then Mrs. Crow found a pitcher. Mrs. Crow tried to stick that big head in the narrow pitcher, but it didn't work. Then she dropped pebbles in the pitcher. It made the water rise. She drank some and saved her life by doing so.

 

 

The Hare and the Partridge Summary (completed independently by doing draft one day and 'Revise and Edit' the next)

One day a Hare was running from dogs. She hind under sticks and got hot, so the dogs smelt her. Of corse the dogs killed her. The Partridge laughed at her (the hare) skills. Then a Hawk killed the Partridge. Never laugh at another person's misfortunes.

 

 

--Now that I have added the revise and edit step, I can see if his mistakes are 'real' or just the product of typical writing errors that occur in all our drafts. We've done no formal spelling program.


Edited by RenaInTexas, 03 October 2016 - 08:32 PM.

  • luuknam likes this

#12 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 06 October 2016 - 12:28 PM

Lesson 5 - Amplification of The Ass and His Driver

 

First attempt:

 

An lime* Ass wanted to take the shortest path home by going over a mountain cliff. so he went that way. His Master tried to stop him and grabbed his big long tail, but at last he was forced to let go. The very stubborn Ass fell to his death.

 

Second attempt (told him to amplify more, add more sentences, answer more about who/what/where/when/why/how, etc - obviously did not get more sentences, and did get more police blotter - I'm thinking The Most Wonderful Writing Lessons we got nowhere with last year might be more useful now that I've got a bigger body of his work to discuss some of these things with - maybe I'll try to work some of that into this):

 

An big grey* Ass wanted to take the shortest path home by going over a mountain cliff, so he went that way. His small Master tried his best to stop him and grabbed his big long tail, but at last he was forced to let go. the very stubborn Ass fell to his very painful death at ten forty pm.

 

*We had talked about the thesaurus just before doing this amplification, and talked about the color green specifically. After his first draft, I told him that unless he was writing about an Ass in some fantasy world or something, or had some other important reason for the Ass to be some weird color, it'd probably be better not to give the Ass some unnatural color (he'd done that in at least one of the previous stories too - I'm not opposed to lime Asses, but I don't want him to get into the habit of amplifying stories by turning everybody some random color).



#13 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 19 October 2016 - 03:20 PM

The Fox and the Grapes -- Rewrite (unedited)

One day a marmot spied a peach in a fox hole. The peach was in the fox hole because it fell out of the tree and rolled in the fox hole. The peach looked like a super juicy peach in Pennsylvania. So he tried to get  it, but he was scared. So he said "it's probaly soft anyway.   Moral: Many people despise what is beyond there reach.

 

The Ass and His Driver -- Amplification (unedited with me, but told him to reread and make sure it makes sense)

2nd attempt: I made him redo it because the 1st attempt was a 'hurry to get outside and play' attempt. That doesn't fly here, so he had to come back in and start over.

 

The stubborn Mr. I'm So Stubborn wanted to take a very lazy way home. Mr. I'm So Stubborn tried going off the hunormous mountain. Master J.J. James tried to stop him. Master J.J. James pulled the tail so hard, JUST SO HARD he blistered his hand and I'm So Stubborn's tail craked. Then the master J,J, James thought I'm going to let him go if he keeps pulling J.J. James will let the gray bumpy tail go. I'm So Stubborn kept pulling. Then J.J. James let go. I'm So Stubborn went FALLING down the side of the mountain and died at the end of the big fall.


  • luuknam likes this

#14 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 21 October 2016 - 09:02 AM

The stubborn Mr. I'm So Stubborn wanted to take a very lazy way home. Mr. I'm So Stubborn tried going off the hunormous mountain. Master J.J. James tried to stop him. Master J.J. James pulled the tail so hard, JUST SO HARD he blistered his hand and I'm So Stubborn's tail craked. Then the master J,J, James thought I'm going to let him go if he keeps pulling J.J. James will let the gray bumpy tail go. I'm So Stubborn kept pulling. Then J.J. James let go. I'm So Stubborn went FALLING down the side of the mountain and died at the end of the big fall.

 

I love the word 'hunormous'. That could totally become a real word, lol. Looks like it's already on its way, though not in any real dictionary yet:

 

https://en.wiktionar.../wiki/hunormous

 

My in-laws are in town and I haven't seen much of the kids since Tuesday (except to take youngest to the dentist on Wednesday), so we'll have to really get going again next week or something.



#15 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 29 October 2016 - 04:14 PM

I love the word 'hunormous'. That could totally become a real word, lol. Looks like it's already on its way, though not in any real dictionary yet:

 

Wow! Thanks for sharing! I will let him know. We have been discussing the history of English and how new words are formed, so this is a great example. We'll be watching for Webster to pick it up.


  • luuknam likes this

#16 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 29 October 2016 - 04:29 PM

The Ass and His Driver -- Amplification -- This is a rewrite; he was told to give more details. He did edit and revise.

 

The stubborn Ass Mr. I'm So Stubborn was walking home with J.J.James the master. They were coming from the Tools Store. They got all the tool and put the on I'm So Stubborn's back. He was tired and wanted to take the short way home, so he tried to go off the mountain. Master J.J.James stopped him from going off the mountain by pulling his tail. He pulled so hard his hands were blistered and Mr. I'm So Stubborn's tail cracked. Then J.J.James thought, "If the ass keeps pulling I will have to let it go!" Then the Ass pulled even harder until J.J.James let go and Mr. I'm So Stubborn tumbling down the slope. J.J.James was dejected* as he saw the Ass tumble. J.J.James walked home slow has a turtle, because he was thinking about I'm So Stubborns lost and the tools. Always listen to good advice from a trusted grown-up.

 

*He had used the word sad, but we discussed using a thesaurus to find stronger words to use and he choose dejected --- great choice!

His editing is improving.


  • luuknam likes this

#17 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 30 October 2016 - 08:51 AM

Wow! Thanks for sharing! I will let him know. We have been discussing the history of English and how new words are formed, so this is a great example. We'll be watching for Webster to pick it up.

 

Has he read Frindle? We listened to the audiobook recently, and it's about a boy inventing a new word, and after a decade or so it ends up in the dictionary.

 

ETA: it's fiction, obviously. My kids both like Andrew Clements.


Edited by luuknam, 30 October 2016 - 08:52 AM.


#18 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 02 November 2016 - 07:50 AM

Has he read Frindle? 

 

Not yet, but we do own it and it is on our list to read this year.


  • luuknam likes this

#19 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 19 November 2016 - 05:57 PM

The Mice in Council Rewrite by DS9 - Rough Draft no editing

 

Every day the antelopes are in constant danger because of caracals. Their timid day-in day-out. When their's a caracal around they have no exscape! Thier only exscape is die, so the antelopes decided to take care of those caracals. Then they decided to have a meeting on how to know when a caracal is coming. None of them had an idea that would work. Next a young antelope said, "You could Just put a bell on the caracal." Then everone was so depressed in how they couldn't think of that simple idea. They all were happy after the idea. Then an old and wise antelope stepped foward and said "That's a great idea, but the caracal could still catch us because of the high jump they have and who is going to bell the caracal. "Some things are easier said than done."

 

 

Sometimes I share the first rough draft and other times I share his work after editing. I just hope it is helpful to see what is produced with NO help and what he produces after some input.


  • luuknam likes this

#20 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 19 November 2016 - 06:07 PM

Write a True Fable - First Draft

 

Once I was in California eating at a brunch. I ate what I wanted. Then it was dessert time, but I was full. I still ate though (even though it was gross). At the last part of dessert I fell out of my chair because I was so full. It is foolish to be greedy.

 

 

He could have done a much better job describing exactly what happened, but we are taking the week off, so we may just talk about it and move on. Just so you can judge what he should have said versus what he did say; what actually happened was: he had eaten so much that he couldn't sit up straight. So he started slouching, sideways, in his chair. He kept eating and that caused him to slouch even more. Eventually, he was slouching so far (sideways) that he literally fell onto the floor. And he was so stuffed that he laid there because he couldn't get up! It was hilarious! Not that I am advocating overeating (we are a very healthy and fit family), this was a special occasion and for once in their life I just let them go for it with no rules. I think he learned a lesson :). But now that you know the story, I think you can see how much better his fable should be.


  • luuknam likes this

#21 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 20 November 2016 - 04:02 PM

In case you're wondering where I am, btw, we're in NL for a month, and we left the CAP book in NY, so no CAP from us until at least mid-December.



#22 Sneezyone

Sneezyone

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3416 posts

Posted 15 February 2017 - 01:41 AM

Can I join you all in this thread?

 

I have DS(9), a reluctant writer, in fable and we're finishing up lesson 3. Overall, I like how quickly he's gotten the hang of amplification. He's a natural narrator tho, and I'm not sure I like the approach to summarizing. Has anyone else abandoned the overly prescribed approach and just had the kiddo write his/her summary and augment their work with selected key words from the text? I feel like I'm torturing the little guy by making him painfully analyze each sentence. 


Edited by Sneezyone, 15 February 2017 - 01:42 AM.

  • luuknam likes this

#23 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 15 February 2017 - 01:36 PM

Welcome, Sneezy!

 

Can I join you all in this thread?

 

Of course you can! The more the merrier. :001_smile:

 

I need to type up some of Celery's work. I only have one chapter to type up - we didn't do a good job of getting back on track after getting back from NL. But, that chapter we did mostly yesterday and today, so, we're getting there.

 

ETA: oh, and by dropping the overly prescribed approach, do you mean you're not doing some of the first pages of exercises of each chapter? We actually are following the book pretty closely, but I think my son needs it. I did finally give up on having him memorize the rhyme about the boy who wouldn't eat his soup though - we'd started it before we went to NL, and then I tried it after we got back, and then we didn't get around to it, and a third time, and by now I'm like, okay, time to stop torturing the kid with that one if I'm not going to be consistent enough with it. He did memorize the fox and the grapes one in the fall, and I need to look up what the next memorization is so we can get started on that one.


Edited by luuknam, 15 February 2017 - 02:40 PM.

  • Sneezyone likes this

#24 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 15 February 2017 - 01:57 PM

Summary of The Mice in Council, Chapter 6, first attempt:

 

Something had to be done about the cat! They called a meeting to decide on a plan to free themselves from their enemy. Plans were made but none of them were good. Then a Mouse made a great plan. But then a mouse asked who will do it?

 

So, I read the summary back to him, and asked him what the problem was with the summary, and discussed some of the issues. Then I had him redo the summary, keeping in mind that other people have to be able to understand the summary even if they've not read the story (and that you can't have a word like 'they' if it's not referring to anything written previously). So, second attempt:

 

Something had to be done about the cat, because the cat ate the mice! Then the mice called a meeting. None of the plans were good. Then a Mouse got a idea. The Mouse said “all we have to do is put a bell on the cat, when we hear the bell we will know it is near”. But who will do it. “Asked another mouse”.

 

I told him he could cut out 2 sentences from his second summary, and he cut out only 1 (the other sentence I would've cut out is the one right after the one he crossed out, and of course change 'the' into 'a' in the sentence right after that one).


Edited by luuknam, 15 February 2017 - 02:18 PM.


#25 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 15 February 2017 - 02:17 PM

First attempt of a rewrite of The Mice in Council using different animals:

 

Some must be done about the Lion!! The zebras were mad about the lions eating all there friends and family! Then they called a meeting then a zebra said “let put a bell on it”. Then when we hear the bell we will run away. But who will do it?

 

Obviously, that was way too short (but, at least it was coherent and possible to understand for people unfamiliar with the story, unlike the summary he'd written just prior to it). I wish he'd picked something other than a bell as well - I read him the sample answer in the book with the Robin's beak wired shut. So, I had him redo it today, and hadn't gotten around to reading it yet... sigh. He just copied the book - he even accidentally wrote 'Cat' once instead of 'lion'. So, I guess I'll have to have him do a rewrite again... not sure whether to make him do it today or tomorrow. I specifically told him to do an amplification of his story, to just add words and sentences, preferably things specific to lions and zebras... sigh. So, this was the second try:

 

Some thing had to be done about the lion! Hardly a day went by that the zebras didn't hear of some brother or sister, aunt or uncle, having gotten eaten by the lion. The zebras lived in such constant dread of his claws that they hardly dared to go somewere by night or day. Finally they called a meeting to decide on a plan to free themselves from from their fearsome enemy. Many plans were discussed, but none of them sounded good enough. At last, a zebra said, “I have a plan that seems very simple, but I know it will be successful. All we have to do is to hang a bell about the Cat's neck. When we hear the bell ringing, we will know immediately that or enemy is coming.” All the zebras were much surprised that they didn't think of such a plan before. “Hurrah for the zebra!” they shouted. As they were cheering and rejoicing over their good fortune, another zebra said, the is very good, but let ask one question: Who will do it?


Edited by luuknam, 15 February 2017 - 02:17 PM.


#26 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 16 February 2017 - 09:29 PM

The Mice in Council with different animals, 3rd attempt. He *really* didn't like the plan of doing a 3rd attempt, said he'd have to erase stuff in yesterday's version (the one he basically copied from the book), etc. I told him he wasn't allowed to erase in that story (I didn't want him to just change some adjectives), suggested he could continue with the zebra and lion or with other animals, got more flack, and in the end told him he had to do it with different animals (I figured that might be easiest, as there'd be a smaller likelihood of him copying yesterday's). Then we talked about a LOT of animals, and in the end he finally sat down and wrote it about some animals we hadn't even talked about. So, yay! The writing isn't very good, but, he did what was asked of him, so I'm proud, because he's obviously not finding this easy (I added some edits to make it easier for y'all to read):

 

Something had to be done to the Frog: Every day friends or family of the Insects were eaten by the Frog. Many [plans] were made, but the[y] but were never ever good. Days and days went by and still no plan was good. The day after that a great plan was made. Well thats what it seemed at leest. The plan was to [capture] the frog in a net! A net! All thorght they [were] saved. But then one of the insects said. "Who will do it? Nobody anserd. Then suddentry a whole army of frog came out of nowhere! They ate every single one they could get. But one exaped. Every year a army of frogs attacked. The insects knew that that plan would take forever and ever.



#27 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 25 February 2017 - 11:51 PM

Need to catch up with work we did this past week, now that I have a laptop again:

 

Lesson 7 - Amplification of The Dog and Her Reflection

 

Crossing a narrow bridge with a stolen bone, the Dog noticed her reflection in the clean creek. She greedily wanted to seize the bigger bone carried by her mirror image. She foolishly jumped into the water and lost her prize she had. She sadly whimped as she walked away. On the way home a monkey was following her. Then he threw fruit at her. Then she suddently barked and tryed her best to get him, but she kept on failing. The monkey was just kept on laughing at her. Then the monkey fell to the ground! The Dog want at him and ate him up. Then she went home with her meat.

 

So, I explained that the idea was to expand on the story itself, not to basically write a sequel which didn't fit the moral, but I didn't make him redo it because I did think he did an okay job.

 

Lesson 7 - True Fable - 1st attempt:

 

Once when I had elelectronics time for a long time, I got a big headache. It took me a long time to get rid of it.

 

So, we discussed how to make that longer, made a list of ideas such as answering some of the Wh-questions. 2nd attempt:

 

Don't be Greedy

 

Once when I was eight years old, I had played on the Ipad for four hours. Then I got a constant headache! It was constantly growing little by little. Half an hour later it stoped growing, but it stayed the same amout for another half a hour. Then I stoped having elelectronics time. I drank a bunch of juice after that. It took me two weeks for it to go away. Then I went back to nomal life.

 

Much better, and apparently he was paying attention to when to use a/an - I just had to explain that words like "hour" have "an", because they *sound* like they start with a vowel. 

 

We also did Lesson 8, but that one didn't have any writing other than matching the morals to the stories.


Edited by luuknam, 25 February 2017 - 11:53 PM.


#28 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 25 February 2017 - 11:52 PM

Btw, how are you, Rena and Sneezy?



#29 Sneezyone

Sneezyone

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3416 posts

Posted 05 March 2017 - 08:24 AM

Welcome, Sneezy!

 

 

Of course you can! The more the merrier. :001_smile:

 

I need to type up some of Celery's work. I only have one chapter to type up - we didn't do a good job of getting back on track after getting back from NL. But, that chapter we did mostly yesterday and today, so, we're getting there.

 

ETA: oh, and by dropping the overly prescribed approach, do you mean you're not doing some of the first pages of exercises of each chapter? We actually are following the book pretty closely, but I think my son needs it. I did finally give up on having him memorize the rhyme about the boy who wouldn't eat his soup though - we'd started it before we went to NL, and then I tried it after we got back, and then we didn't get around to it, and a third time, and by now I'm like, okay, time to stop torturing the kid with that one if I'm not going to be consistent enough with it. He did memorize the fox and the grapes one in the fall, and I need to look up what the next memorization is so we can get started on that one.

 

Thanks! No, I meant not making him cross out the extraneous bits in the summary assignments. There were lots of cross this out and cross that out tasks. DS seemed to have a hard time with that. His natural summaries seemed much more condensed and straightforward and easy. I just have him add in some of the key/spicy words after he's written his summary/narration now. We end up with the same results but with a lot less confusion and hassle.


Edited by Sneezyone, 05 March 2017 - 08:40 AM.

  • luuknam likes this

#30 Sneezyone

Sneezyone

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3416 posts

Posted 05 March 2017 - 08:30 AM

Btw, how are you, Rena and Sneezy?

 

DS is a little behind most folks here b/c we didn't start until January but I like (REALLY!) how things are going so far.

 

This was his unedited amplification today from L5: The Ass and His Driver.

 

"One day on a stormy night a farmer and a donkey were going to a farm. And the donkey saw a shortcut that was a cliff the donkey walked over and the farmer saw him. Stop said the farmer or you sill shorely break your neck. The farmer pulled the donkeys tail. The donkey pulled with all his might. At last the farmer let go and the donkey died. The moral of the story is listen to good advice and avoid the road to disaster."

 

Obv. we have some work to do on punctuation and run-on sentences. We haven't done much work with dialogue but he added it anyway. I'm thrilled that my reluctant writer is putting things down on the page without much fuss. He's enjoying it. He really got into the delivery of The Fox and the Grapes at dinner last week. I think this method is perfect for him.

 

It took DS an average of two days per paragraph to memorize the story but we strung it out to focus on diction, elocution and performance. It came together really well for him and DH and DD gave him great feedback. We're going to see family in a few weeks so he'll perform it again (plus The Story of Augustus, Who Would Not Have Any Soup) for them. We start memorizing the poem tomorrow and probably won't finish until the end of the week. 


Edited by Sneezyone, 05 March 2017 - 08:35 AM.

  • luuknam likes this

#31 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 05 March 2017 - 06:24 PM

Thanks! No, I meant not making him cross out the extraneous bits in the summary assignments. There were lots of cross this out and cross that out tasks. DS seemed to have a hard time with that. His natural summaries seemed much more condensed and straightforward and easy. I just have him add in some of the key/spicy words after he's written his summary/narration now. We end up with the same results but with a lot less confusion and hassle.

 

 

Yeah, I'm not sure how useful the crossing out is. It's probably good for some kids who have trouble eliminating *anything* from the story, but it seems to make my kid focus too much on getting rid of specific words and sentences and forget to make sure it flows well. I had him do the crossing out the first several chapters, when I only had the teacher's edition and I actually typed up the stories for him to summarize, but after I got the student edition for him to look at I didn't want him to actually write in that because he's got a younger sib, so on the most recent summary (or 2?) he didn't physically cross anything out, but at this point I'm thinking that next time I'm going to tell him to just read the story one more time, and then summarize from memory, without looking at the story, and see what happens that way. 

 

Oh, and you're not behind. From past threads, I've seen that a lot of people recommend starting the series in 4th grade (at least for boys or reluctant writers). I obviously did. I do really want to get through this book now though - I want to get through the 2nd book before the end of the year as well, so I need to be more consistent.

 

Summary of Lesson 9: The Shepherd Boy and the Wolf:

 

A Boy tended his Master's sheep. He got bored. then one day the Boy made a plan remenbering that his Master told him to call for help when a wolf was there. Even there wasn't a wolf at all, he called for help. It worked. the people that came to drive it off , but they counldn't find one. It worked the second time as well. When a Wolf was relly there and when he called for help they didn't lissen to him. 

 

He really needs to work on making his uppercase Ts look different from lowercase Ts. I'm pretty sure that it's not a capitalization issue for that, but a handwriting issue, though it's hard to be sure. I had him proofread his summary a couple of times, focusing on different issues, one of which was flow and whether it'd be possible for people unfamiliar with the story to understand it, and once for spelling and punctuation, during which he changed 'listen' into 'lissen' (at least that spelling makes sense, phonetically?). 



#32 RenaInTexas

RenaInTexas

    Hive Mind Level 2 Worker: Nurse Bee

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 158 posts

Posted 07 March 2017 - 09:39 PM

Fable -- Final Assignment --- Exactly as submitted

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

The Jaguar who got distracted

 

One day a leopard was hunting for antelope when he was caught in a camouflead net. The leopard was in so much rage he roard to where you can hear it from 35 miles away. The Jaguar was ten miles away so he could hear it really good. He thought his cousin was in trouble so he went to help him. On the way an annoying spider monkey kept distractingly taunting him. The Jaguar growled as in saying, "Stop taunting me." Then the spider monkey said in his mind that, "I think my taunting is working and now I'm going to do it worse." So the Jaguar just started to try and eat the spider monkey. It took the jaguar 23 minutes to REALIZE THAT HE WAS STILL TRYING TO SEE WHY HIS COUSIN ROARED. By then his cousin was already gone because a truck came to pick the leopard up so they can skin it.

Moral: Slow help is no help

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

He had fun writing this. He actually did this a month or so ago, but I am just now posting. He is now doing narrative, but hasn't done any full writing assignments yet.


  • Sneezyone and luuknam like this

#33 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 07 March 2017 - 10:58 PM

That's a neat story, Rena. 

 

In the meantime, Celery did Lesson 10 (split up between yesterday and today). His head wasn't in the game today - he wrote an extension of the The Tale of the Chinese Farmer that was less than 3 full handwritten lines long, and which was something along the lines of: 

 

Later his son got healthy and was dragged into the army. And four years later he became rich! The Farmer was happy.

 

So, I told him that he got the bad followed by good right, but that if he looked at how the story was structured, it includes the neighbors coming over and commenting on how good/bad the situation is, and then the farmer saying "how do you know it's good/bad?". Celery apparently really didn't like that, as he got mad and erased and crossed out his first draft, so what I wrote above is not necessarily exactly what he wrote. 

 

So, 2nd draft:

 

Late his got healthy and was dragged into the army to help. The neibors came and said 'This is a bad day for you'. The Farmer said 'How do you know this is a bad day'?

 

So, I pointed out this was an improvement, but that if you look at the story, it's a bit more descriptive, like saying why the neighbors came, or what they did, or having the neighbors comment on the situation a bit more than "it's a bad day for you". So, for a 3rd draft, he didn't rewrite it, but just tacked on some more at the end:

 

A few years later the boy came back rich! When the neibors came by to see the boy they saw that he was rich. They said that it was a very good day for him. The Farmer said 'How do you know this is a good day?

 

So, overall I think he did okay, but he was so mad that I'm not sure he really internalized why the repetitive structure of the story was important. I'm thinking I should bring it up again next time, and also compare it to the Fisherman and His Wife, which also has a repetitive story structure. But on the other hand, I think he'll get mad if I bring it up next time. Wondering if maybe I should be doing WWE or something with him. When he left PS, he hated writing - anything that involved putting a pencil on paper, and he's definitely better at that now. And the kid loves to just get mad about things - if it's not great, it's awful. So, it's always hard to tell if something is a real issue or not. 


  • Sneezyone likes this

#34 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 16 March 2017 - 01:55 PM

Today we finished lesson 11, which went pretty well. The only thing he had to do today was write The Trees Choose a King, but with animals instead of trees, and he grumbled a little at first, and despite me having read the instruction to him, he ended up needing me me to ask him what worthy animal he was going to use, and what that animal's gift was (x3), and then with worthless animal, but, he did great after that. At one point he complained his hand was tired, but that was after he'd written quite a bit already, so I gave him a 5 min break, after which he finished the story without any more complaints. He even agreed that it was sort of fun. So, yay!

 

First and only draft of Lesson 11, The Animals Choose a King:

 

One day the Animals went out to anoint a King for themselves. First was the Sheep. The animals said "Be our King". But the Sheep said "Should I give up my wool which keeps humans warm to be your King?" Next was the Horse. They said "Be our King". But the Horse said "Should I give up the abilaty to carry people to be your King?" Next was the Bee. They said "Be our King". But the Bee said "Should I give up the abilaty to make honey to be your King"? Last was the Lion. They said "Be our King". The lion said "Hide under my claws or I will eat you all!

 

Moral: No King is better than a bad King.



#35 Sneezyone

Sneezyone

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3416 posts

Posted 16 March 2017 - 02:32 PM

DS is finishing up Lesson 6: The Mice in Council

 

This is his first draft and he was getting annoyed at the end. It's Thursday, our Friday, and he wanted to be finished already. This was our last activity of the day. I'll have him clean it up on Sunday. He misunderstood the assignment and rewrote his summary of The Mice in Council rather than the actual fable. As a result, there are several things he missed and that we need to work on/add-in:

  • Catchy opening sentences. He totally left that out in the rush but had no trouble doing it in the chapter exercise.
  • More adjectives. He needs to identify the nouns and jazz them up with describing words.
  • Matching the power dynamic between the animals in the original story. I talked to him about it but he insisted that this was the pairing he wanted to use and it's not a hill I want to die on.
  • Punctuating dialogue and combining sentences. I want to give him a worksheet or two on how to do this but we're going to do TC parts 1 & 2 next so I might let it go.

 

A bunch of lions lived in a cave. The lions hunted for meat. But the birds stole them all. So the lions called a meeting. A young lion stept up I think we should put a trap nest to the meat. So the birds get cot. Anuthr lion said that is a good idea but who will set the trap. 

 

ETA: Rena's final assignment gives me hope that DS can get there at the end. I'm realizing that his grammar, usage and mechanics are a little weak so we'll pause after this book to beef those up before moving on. Content-wise, he seems to be doing quite well and had zero trouble coming up with an idea for his story (which was a HUUUUGE obstacle earlier in the year).


Edited by Sneezyone, 16 March 2017 - 02:39 PM.

  • luuknam likes this

#36 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 16 March 2017 - 04:26 PM

we're going to do TC parts 1 & 2 next so I might let it go.

 

 

What's TC? Treasured Conversations?

 

I think the power dynamic would've been fun with the lion and the birds, IF he had managed to come up with some reason why the lions would be scared to set up the trap, like maybe if instead of next to the meat, they'd planned to put it next to the bird's nest, but were afraid of falling down the very high tree the bird's nest is in. But you're right, probably not a hill to die on.



#37 Sneezyone

Sneezyone

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3416 posts

Posted 16 March 2017 - 05:51 PM

What's TC? Treasured Conversations?

 

I think the power dynamic would've been fun with the lion and the birds, IF he had managed to come up with some reason why the lions would be scared to set up the trap, like maybe if instead of next to the meat, they'd planned to put it next to the bird's nest, but were afraid of falling down the very high tree the bird's nest is in. But you're right, probably not a hill to die on.

 

Yep, treasured conversations.

 

DS said, "Do you know how hard it would be for a lion to trap a bird? They fly ya know." He deduced that it wasn't that the mice were afraid but that they thought it would be too hard to bell the cat.  :huh:


Edited by Sneezyone, 16 March 2017 - 05:52 PM.

  • luuknam likes this

#38 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 20 March 2017 - 02:13 PM

Lesson 12, My Own Fable Part I, 2nd draft:

 

Don't Bully.

 

A Cat was walking to the playground. As she was walking everything seemed fine. A couple minutes later, a Dog jumped up and said "Run away like a coward or I will chase you to your death." The Cats friends heard it dashed there. They hissed with thier claw showing "How dare you inselt or friend! That scared the Dog away.

 

Moral: If you bully, you can get punished.



#39 Sneezyone

Sneezyone

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3416 posts

Posted 18 April 2017 - 02:05 AM

So, we're still plodding though. We took two weeks off to visit family in the states and DS is just finishing up Lesson 8.

 

The Dog and Her Reflection, an amplification, first draft

 

One day a Dog stole a bone from a butcher's shop. Then ran home. She walked across a bridge and she looked at a creek. And she saw a biger* Dog with a biger* bone and she was very desirous to get it. So sheet the bone down anb bared her fangs and jumped at the other Dog and only fowd herself swiming*. Then she got land and she felt stupid. And the moral of the story is don't be greedy.

 

 

 

 

 

*Clearly, we have some work to do on words that require doubling the consonant before adding a suffix. :lol:


  • luuknam likes this

#40 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 20 April 2017 - 02:53 PM

Chapter 13 - My Own Fable, Part 2

 

The Cat and the mice

 

Day and night the mice were scared of the cat. The Cat ate the mice when it could. The mice called a meeting. One of the mice said "Lets all come out and attack the Cat and sink our teeth in the Cat". They attacked the next day and won. They killed the Cat, but they lost many mice.

 

Moral: If many dread you, then beware of them.

------------------

 

He really struggled with this chapter - could not articulate the meaning for any of the morals listed. The whole ASD thing probably wasn't helping with that. 

 

I'm planning on doing some or all of Killgallon's Elementary Sentence Composing with him after we finish this book, and then do Narrative I after that - we'll see. Just one more chapter of Fable left. :)


  • Sneezyone likes this

#41 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 28 April 2017 - 07:48 PM

Whew, chapter 14 of Fable wasn't easy either - the first time he basically just put "I" instead of "he" for the change of viewpoint (he did an Ant's perspective), so then I read the sample for the Grasshopper's perspective, and had him redo it... and he changed a few words but left the story fundamentally unchanged. So, I read him the sample for the Ant's perspective, and then talked about it, and then read all 3 perspectives back-to-back (3rd person, Grasshopper's, Ant's). Then, I decided to let him do a 1st person perspective of The Lion and the Three Young Bulls. First attempt on that was better in not just inserting "I" for "he", but very short, so, we discussed it, and he then redid that one. To be clear, this was spread out over a few days - not all back-to-back.

 

So, basically, his 4th attempt at 1st person perspective:

 

I was spying on the three yummy looking big bulls in a grassy area. I tryed to eat them many times, but they always fended me off with their sharp horns. Once they were fighting with eath other for some reason. They then walked as far as possable. Then I came out and ate them one by one. I thought I was lucky and that they were stupid. In fact when the first one was eaten the walked even farther from each other. They had so much good taste that I still was tasting the wonderful meat.

 

ETA: And that concludes book 1. Yay! 


Edited by luuknam, 28 April 2017 - 07:49 PM.

  • Sneezyone likes this

#42 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 01 May 2017 - 07:48 PM

And... thus far he grumbles just as much about Killgallon. 



#43 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 03 May 2017 - 09:13 PM

Although now (after the first 4 practices) he says he likes Killgallon better than W&R (still doesn't like either though). We'll see of course, but if that stays true I might try one of Killgallon's paragraph composing books before trying W&R Narrative I (not sure whether that'd be elementary or middle school paragraph composing, since he's going into 5th). Of course, it seems I'm mostly just rambling to myself here. And in the meantime I'm also not sure what I'll do for writing for Broccoli next year - he'll turn 7 in Nov, and will officially be in 2nd grade - I suspect writing might be easier for him though - he just penned down 3 recipes the other night while we were watching the Britain's Great Baking Show Masterclass (or something along those lines).

 

So, anyway, all that is to say that I may or may not do a CAP W&R 2017-2018 thread in the fall. 


Edited by luuknam, 03 May 2017 - 09:13 PM.

  • Sneezyone likes this

#44 Sneezyone

Sneezyone

    Hive Mind Level 6 Worker: Scout Bee

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 3416 posts

Posted 24 May 2017 - 01:02 PM

Whelp...we are finally getting to the end of the school year. Why, oh why, are the last weeks so stinking hard!! I'm more ready to be finished than both of my kids.

 

In any case, this is DS's unedited, original fable for Lesson 12.

 

 

the deer and the sheep

 

One day a Deer and a Sheep where wandering around a forest. When sudenly they found themselves in Africa. And found a sign saying hunting zone. They were scared to go any frthr. But the Deer was cureyis. The Sheep told him not to but the Deer didn't lisen. So they walked even more and found a city. They saw buildings cars and black people. Suddenly a black man apeared. They went behind a tree for cover. But he found them and put there heads in a giloteen. And they died. And the moral of the story is avoid trouble when possible.

 

What can I say, my boy's unique. In this short tale, he's incorporated elements from our history studies (early modern), trip planning (we're going to South Africa) and fable lessons.

 

Tomorrow he'll do spelling corrections, sentence combining and punctuate the dialogue/quotes.


Edited by Sneezyone, 24 May 2017 - 01:03 PM.

  • luuknam likes this

#45 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 24 May 2017 - 03:11 PM

Whelp...we are finally getting to the end of the school year. Why, oh why, are the last weeks so stinking hard!! I'm more ready to be finished than both of my kids.

 

 

Almost there, you can do it! Here we still have a month left. Not that I'm doing much at the moment, with all the books packed away for the move... can I file this under "life skills" or something?


  • Sneezyone likes this

#46 purpleowl

purpleowl

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1021 posts

Posted 14 July 2017 - 07:10 AM

Can anyone comment on my DDs' work? We've just started Fable. (Yes, I know DD#2 is too young for it. It's what we're doing.) These are their amplifications for The Hunter and the Doves. 

 

DD#1 (8 years old, rising 3rd grader):

 

A flock of Doves were migrating south. They were very hungry, so they stopped when they saw some seeds scattered on the ground. With a coo of excitement, they swooped down to eat them. "Stop!" shouted King Dove. But the birds were already down. A Hunter, hiding in the treetops, was filled with glee. Letting down a net, he wondered how much money he would make. Maybe hundreds! Maybe even thousands! Meanwhile, the Doves were struggling to get free. The Hunter, lost in thought, was at the moment paying no attention to the birds. King Dove was telling them what to do. Each bird should lift a string and flap her wings. By doing this, they were able to get free.

 

 

And DD#2 (5 years old, rising Ker):

 

Some Doves were looking out of the window of their home. They had long necks and soft wings. They had yellow legs and feet. Those feet were wet and sticky. Their home was a treehouse that nobody ever played with. It was dusty. There was a bird wash and beds, and desks. And most important of all, a KING Dove. One day, during free time, they spotted a whole bucket of plant seeds dropping onto the ground. All 23 Doves rushed to the King Dove and asked if they could eat the barley seeds. But the King Dove warned them not to. It could be a trap. But they did anyway. And as soon as they landed, a Hunter dropped a net onto them. All 23, not realizing they were trapped, ate. But when they tried to go back, that's when it happened. The King Dove called and said, "Each one of you, grab a string, lift it and flap your wings." All together they did this and escaped.

 

-----

 

For DD#2, I know some specific things she can work on are (1) when details are good and when they're just taking up space and (2) choppiness of some of her sentences. 

 

That said, does anyone have feedback? I feel like DD#1's is pretty good...maybe the last sentence or two could be expanded a bit more to show the action? Anything else for DD#2's beyond what I mentioned?



#47 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 17 July 2017 - 05:31 PM

I could maybe look at it later - I don't know if you're only going to want feedback on this story, or if you're going to want more regular feedback... if the latter, you might want to start a new thread for 2017-2018 (we may or may not do Narrative I when fall starts). 



#48 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 18 July 2017 - 11:11 AM

I decided to start a thread for 2017-2018, btw.

 

A flock of Doves were migrating south. They were very hungry, so they stopped when they saw some seeds scattered on the ground. With a coo of excitement, they swooped down to eat them. "Stop!" shouted King Dove. But the birds were already down. A Hunter, hiding in the treetops, was filled with glee. Letting down a net, he wondered how much money he would make. Maybe hundreds! Maybe even thousands! Meanwhile, the Doves were struggling to get free. The Hunter, lost in thought, was at the moment paying no attention to the birds. King Dove was telling them what to do. Each bird should lift a string and flap her wings. By doing this, they were able to get free.

 

 

I agree it's pretty good (definitely better than what my kid did, as you can see upthread). I do agree that the end could be improved some. For example, something along the lines of "The King Dove told each bird to lift a string and flap her wings", and maybe something about the Hunter's surprise and dismay when he finds out the birds have escaped. 


  • purpleowl likes this

#49 luuknam

luuknam

    Think before you arithmetic

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 6477 posts

Posted 18 July 2017 - 11:22 AM

Some Doves were looking out of the window of their home. They had long necks and soft wings. They had yellow legs and feet. Those feet were wet and sticky. Their home was a treehouse that nobody ever played with. It was dusty. There was a bird wash and beds, and desks. And most important of all, a KING Dove. One day, during free time, they spotted a whole bucket of plant seeds dropping onto the ground. All 23 Doves rushed to the King Dove and asked if they could eat the barley seeds. But the King Dove warned them not to. It could be a trap. But they did anyway. And as soon as they landed, a Hunter dropped a net onto them. All 23, not realizing they were trapped, ate. But when they tried to go back, that's when it happened. The King Dove called and said, "Each one of you, grab a string, lift it and flap your wings." All together they did this and escaped.

 

 

Let me start off by saying that for a 5yo, I wouldn't correct too much as far as details that are just taking up space. That said, the thing about their feet being wet and sticky made me wonder why they are wet and sticky, and whether that might be important to the plot at some point. 

 

Aside from that, I obviously don't like the two sentences that start with "But". Nor "that's when it happened"... what's "it" in that sentence? I mean, I understand what she's getting at - something along the lines of "that's when they noticed they couldn't". 

 

If you don't mind me asking, what did you use before starting W&R?


  • purpleowl likes this

#50 purpleowl

purpleowl

    Hive Mind Queen Bee

  • Members
  • PipPip
  • 1021 posts

Posted 18 July 2017 - 12:24 PM

Thank you luuknam! I wasn't sure about starting a new thread because it's "between" school years (but we go year round).

I appreciate your feedback! Before starting W&R, we did The Most Wonderful Writing Lessons Ever. One of the things we talked about in there was which parts of the story need to have more description and which don't, so I think I can bring that up with DD#2. :)
  • luuknam likes this