Liar!

[EvaElizabeth]

Before I had kids my career was I working with at risk teenage girls and let me tell you, that population can lie like you wouldn't believe! Well, you can imagine.

 

Along with the advice written here about how to avoid situations where a lie is potentially the impulsive response, I want to offer a suggestion about teaching alternative behaviors. Many kids who lie are kids who are ashamed to ask for help or ashamed to admit mistakes, as already described in the thread. These kids MUST practice these skills (asking for help, admitting mistakes, communicating when it's uncomfortable) and feel success in the alternative result or they won't have any reason to stop lying. In my experience the best way to resolve this is by practicing these alternative skills at a neutral time. As an example, without making it a huge lecture or an emotional discussion, tell the child you have an idea to help them feel more comfortable asking for help. Tell them that every night while you're making dinner (or whenever) you're going to practice together what to do to ask for help when they might feel embarrassed. Explain that you know it is difficult and most importantly, use youth centered rationales that explain how it will benefit the child to use the skill, not just how it will benefit you as a parent. Starting with pretend, silly scenarios, spend just a couple of minutes acting out exactly what the child should do, and do it every night. Give it a week or so until the child is comfortable before using the role plays to practice more serious scenarios. You can offer small rewards for practicing, something you can stick with every day, like 3 minutes extra video game time or whatever works in your house. You may find your child starts using the skill independently, but many kids need gentle prompts to start implementing the behavior spontaneously after a couple of weeks. Whatever you do, make sure the first time the child takes the risk to be honest, you recognize and reward it.

 

This does work, I have personally seen it work. It absolutely takes time to address honesty - months, not days or weeks- and in my opinion is one of the hardest behaviors to address. A complex combination of behavioral, developmental, and clinical elements contribute to the problem so it can't be "fixed" overnight. And it is absolutely common in kids, and kids with ADHD tend to struggle more to stop. You will very likely see two steps forward and one back so don't get discouraged. Don't stop practicing the first time you see success. You may want to make a small list of "competing" behaviors that will help the child get what they need without lying and work on them one at a time over the course of several months. When you are evaluating progress, think in terms of "are the last three months better than the 3 months before that?"

 

I hope this helps! I just registered to seek advice on academic issues I'm completely lost on, so I'd like to think there's something I might be able to contribute here :)