Dorm/roommate issues--just feeling bad for kiddo

[Nancy in NH]

In addition to my quiet music student ending up in a dorm full of rowdy football players and other athletes, as well as the dorm now dubbed "the party dorm", DS is facing his first roommate issue tonight.

His roommate asked him earlier if he could bring a friend back to the room tonight.  DS, not realizing how late that would be or the circumstances, said ok.  He just called to say his roommate brought back his girlfriend and she was expecting to crash in their room.  He was not comfortable at all and called me about it.  He did handle the situation, by telling them he'd had a rough day and felt uncomfortable about her staying the night.  He said they both acted ok about it and they said something about contacting other friends they could stay with.  It's obvious they want to spend the night together.  Due to incidents at the dorm, my son has already spoken to the RA about how uncomfortable he's been in that dorm.  Now he's dealing with this.  He is pretty certain they had been out drinking, and told me the girl "was acting strangely".  This is my boy who has taken a vow of sobriety.  It's just his luck to end up in that dorm and not the dorm the houses the majority of music/art majors and honors students.

The RA never got back to him about setting up the appointment to discuss a change to his dorm assignment, but DS is going to nudge him tomorrow about it.

Ugh!  I know this is all part of the process, but I could almost write a book about the things that have been thrown his way prior to moving in.  I had hoped for a little smooth sailing for him once he got on campus, especially given the heavy work load he is trying to manage as a first year piano performance major.  This is hard...

 

Nancy in NH

[OhioMomof3]

I hope he is able to get his room switched. It definitely sounds like it's not a good fit. I have a friend whose son is going through a situation much like your son is. It's tough on the students and tough on the worrying moms too!

[Starr]

Dorm issues make me crazy. Too many college students through our house over the years and too many unhappy stories. I hope your son can get it resolved soon!! 

[J-rap]

That sounds awful, and I hope it gets rectified soon!!  My nephew had a roommate who was a drug dealer and got caught stealing from a store his first week of school!  There was a police chase throughout campus, even jumping over fences!  It was pretty crazy.  After that, he got a roommate that became a life-long friend. 

 

[Nancy in NH]

That sounds awful, and I hope it gets rectified soon!!  My nephew had a roommate who was a drug dealer and got caught stealing from a store his first week of school!  There was a police chase throughout campus, even jumping over fences!  It was pretty crazy.  After that, he got a roommate that became a life-long friend. 

 

Oh, my!  I'm glad to hear your nephew had a happy ending!  DS is already feeling the challenges of the transition, in general, and this sure isn't helping.

[MarkT]

switch rooms if possible - it will only get worse

I'm glad my nephew (first term Frosh) is in the honors dorm.

[creekland]

Definitely keep nudging the RA.  Middle son is an RA (probably at a different college) and trying to keep things going smoothly for those rooming together (or changing rooms) is all part of what he's been trained to do.  Fortunately, he tells me that his hall is "awesome" this year.  Obviously it can vary from year to year, but he also does an "awesome" job at helping kids adjust and showing them other options for things to do besides the party life.  He's taking his hall to Niagara Falls in a couple of weeks.  Maid of the Mist for all!  Not many will pick a party over that.

[Nancy in NH]

:grouphug:

 

Poor ds had an extra roommate (new dorm wasn't finished yet) and he kept coming home to roommie in his bed with a girl. Ds ended up sleeping in the hall a lot and was very grateful when then kid was gone. 

 

That's awful, and just what I'm afraid will continue to happen.  One good thing, DS handled it well and it seems at least the kid respected his concerns enough to find somewhere else to crash.

 

The loud music and partying continues, though...

[Nancy in NH]

switch rooms if possible - it will only get worse

I'm glad my nephew (first term Frosh) is in the honors dorm.

 

DS was invited to the honors program, but he declined.  He knew his schedule would be very challenging already, since he's a music major.  He was concerned about putting too much pressure on himself, since he needs to keep GPA up for both academic and music scholarships.  When he auditioned there, the kids said most freshman music majors end up in one particular dorm, which also houses the honor program's students.  Oh, well.  Just hoping he can get moved.

[Shred Betty]

In addition to my quiet music student ending up in a dorm full of rowdy football players and other athletes, as well as the dorm now dubbed "the party dorm", DS is facing his first roommate issue tonight.

 

His roommate asked him earlier if he could bring a friend back to the room tonight. DS, not realizing how late that would be or the circumstances, said ok. He just called to say his roommate brought back his girlfriend and she was expecting to crash in their room. He was not comfortable at all and called me about it. He did handle the situation, by telling them he'd had a rough day and felt uncomfortable about her staying the night. He said they both acted ok about it and they said something about contacting other friends they could stay with. It's obvious they want to spend the night together. Due to incidents at the dorm, my son has already spoken to the RA about how uncomfortable he's been in that dorm. Now he's dealing with this. He is pretty certain they had been out drinking, and told me the girl "was acting strangely". This is my boy who has taken a vow of sobriety. It's just his luck to end up in that dorm and not the dorm the houses the majority of music/art majors and honors students.

 

The RA never got back to him about setting up the appointment to discuss a change to his dorm assignment, but DS is going to nudge him tomorrow about it.

 

Ugh! I know this is all part of the process, but I could almost write a book about the things that have been thrown his way prior to moving in. I had hoped for a little smooth sailing for him once he got on campus, especially given the heavy work load he is trying to manage as a first year piano performance major. This is hard...

 

Nancy in NH

I was on the honors floor at my college freshman year. You don't wanna know what went down there, but I remember quite clearly one night when there was a big floor party the graduate student mentor/RA was involved as well. Kids doing drugs and drinking, I don't think the "honor dorm" mentality does you many favors, maybe it's luck of the draw?

Edited September 4, 2016 by Shred Betty

[Nancy in NH]

Definitely keep nudging the RA.  Middle son is an RA (probably at a different college) and trying to keep things going smoothly for those rooming together (or changing rooms) is all part of what he's been trained to do.  Fortunately, he tells me that his hall is "awesome" this year.  Obviously it can vary from year to year, but he also does an "awesome" job at helping kids adjust and showing them other options for things to do besides the party life.  He's taking his hall to Niagara Falls in a couple of weeks.  Maid of the Mist for all!  Not many will pick a party over that.

 

I keep nudging him to talk to the RA again.  Today it was another special event on campus, and he said the RA is involved in a lot of that stuff, so he was not in his room every time he checked.  Hopefully, tomorrow...

 

That's awesome how invested your son is in helping kids transition and stay on a positive track!  My DS has yet to make any real connections and I think he's feeling so out of place right now.  I honestly don't know how he ended up in that dorm.  Oh, how he would benefit from someone like your son!

[hopskipjump]

No words of wisdom, but {{hugs}}. That is a really tough situation to be in! :/ I hope that he is able to move to the other dorm ASAP and has a harmonious relationship with his new roommate!

[Nancy in NH]

I was on the honors floor at my college freshman year. You don't wanna know what went down there, but I remember quite clearly one night when there was a big floor party the graduate student mentor/RA was involved as well. Kids doing drugs and drinking, I don't think the "honor dorm" mentality does you many favors, maybe it's luck of the draw?

 

Yes, I'm sure it can happen in any dorm and is probably very much due to the luck of the draw.  DS has heard a lot of talk about the other dorms including the honors dorm, where the most music students reside, and apparently it has been quiet so far this year.

 

It would be nice if the RA was more available.  DS has been checking all weekend and he has yet to catch him in his room.

[Nancy in NH]

No words of wisdom, but {{hugs}}. That is a really tough situation to be in! :/ I hope that he is able to move to the other dorm ASAP and has a harmonious relationship with his new roommate!

 

Thanks.  I sure hope so, too!

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Yes, I'm sure it can happen in any dorm and is probably very much due to the luck of the draw. DS has heard a lot of talk about the other dorms including the honors dorm, where the most music students reside, and apparently it has been quiet so far this year.

 

It would be nice if the RA was more available. DS has been checking all weekend and he has yet to catch him in his room.

He may need to leave a note, email or phone message so the RA knows he needs to talk.

[creekland]

Yes, I'm sure it can happen in any dorm and is probably very much due to the luck of the draw.  DS has heard a lot of talk about the other dorms including the honors dorm, where the most music students reside, and apparently it has been quiet so far this year.

 

It would be nice if the RA was more available.  DS has been checking all weekend and he has yet to catch him in his room.

 

That's what cell phones are for - and there should be "hours" when he's on duty too.

 

At least, that's the way middle son's school works.  I guess I don't know if they all do or not.

 

It's also not always the whole dorm that has a classification (party, studious, etc), it can be just a floor.  I've often wondered if colleges try to select who will be studious and who will be partiers and assign them accordingly.  Middle son often gets the "high need" (financially) students and this year has many foreign students too (roughly 1/3rd).  I could mentally see a correlation between those two groups and perceived (from on paper) belief that they are more likely to be in to "serious" college.  There's definitely a problem when someone gets accidentally put into the wrong section.

 

Or it could be merely chance with my son either lucking out with his freshmen (he's always had freshmen) or being super good at his job making it work out well for all his minions.  Who knows?  I know when we've visited his minions sing his praises - as do his overlords.

[Nancy in NH]

He may need to leave a note, email or phone message so the RA knows he needs to talk.

I never thought of that--thanks for the suggestion.  DS said there is a meeting tomorrow he just found out about, so if all else fails, he'll see him then.

[Nancy in NH]

That's what cell phones are for - and there should be "hours" when he's on duty too.

 

At least, that's the way middle son's school works.  I guess I don't know if they all do or not.

 

Yeah, you'd think.  I saw the RA's door when we moved in DS, with a white board that has three check boxes:

 

I'm in

I'm out

Emergencies only

 

DS has reported that every time he goes by, it's indicating "I'm out" or "Emergencies only".  It seems this kid is pretty active on campus, and from what I know, he has not given specific hours when he's on duty.  I'll have DS ask at a meeting coming up tomorrow.  Could just be their schedules are so very different that DS is just not catching him in.

[creekland]

Yeah, you'd think.  I saw the RA's door when we moved in DS, with a white board that has three check boxes:

 

I'm in

I'm out

Emergencies only

 

DS has reported that every time he goes by, it's indicating "I'm out" or "Emergencies only".  It seems this kid is pretty active on campus, and from what I know, he has not given specific hours when he's on duty.  I'll have DS ask at a meeting coming up tomorrow.  Could just be their schedules are so very different that DS is just not catching him in.

 

IME they often try for active students to be RAs.  There are two main reasons for this.  Active students tend to be good with people skills and active students tend to be happy with the college (and can model activity - colleges like active students).

 

I'd have your guy check to see if "I'm out" merely means don't bother knocking (but calling is ok), because it seems that way with the "Emergencies Only" option.

[*LC]

 I've often wondered if colleges try to select who will be studious and who will be partiers and assign them accordingly.  Middle son often gets the "high need" (financially) students and this year has many foreign students too (roughly 1/3rd).  I could mentally see a correlation between those two groups and perceived (from on paper) belief that they are more likely to be in to "serious" college.  There's definitely a problem when someone gets accidentally put into the wrong section.

 

//

Completely off topic, but I am confused. Does the school tell RAs the financial need of the students? Or does your son learn that later from the students themselves?

[creekland]

Completely off topic, but I am confused. Does the school tell RAs the financial need of the students? Or does your son learn that later from the students themselves?

 

My guy learns that from students talking about themselves.  He doesn't ask or get the info "officially."  Kids just like to share their backgrounds (and dreams, etc) over time.  They often share about other schools they applied to as well and many times finances are what brought them to his college.

 

He learns where everyone is from via a list ahead of time, but they also share more specifics personally - things like city/suburb/rural, etc.  Kids sharing a bit about themselves is what builds friendship and community within a hall.

[katilac]

 Kids doing drugs and drinking, I don't think the "honor dorm" mentality does you many favors, maybe it's luck of the draw?

 

It's not a cure-all or a no-partying zone, but, in our searching and asking around, we have definitely found honors dorms tend to skew the odds in your favor (if you want a quiet dorm!). Students who actively want the party zone generally don't choose the honors dorm. 

 

I mean, dd's honors dorm played a huge game of Cards Against Humanity on move-in day, so they're not taking any vows of purity, lol, but overall there's a lower level of drama, and noise in the dorm itself. 

[katilac]

OP, significant others in the room is a perpetual problem in dorms. They don't have to spend the night in order to engage in questionable activities (questionable bc the roommate is actually in the room). 

 

If he has a roommate who is obliging about not doing this, that's worth something. That's one activity I wouldn't expect to change in the honors or 'quiet' dorm. 

[bugs]

:grouphug:

 

Poor ds had an extra roommate (new dorm wasn't finished yet) and he kept coming home to roommie in his bed with a girl. Ds ended up sleeping in the hall a lot and was very grateful when then kid was gone. 

 

Wow, your son is very easy-going.  I'd be p.o.'ed if this was an on-going thing - but then again, I am a crab when sleepy.

[Michelle_NC]

It sounds like your son is having an experience similar to my daughter's (also a non-drinker and pretty mature for her age).

 

The first week was horrendous (her roommate was meeting guys on Tindr and wanted to bring them back to the dorm), but it forced her to branch out and meet other people.  Just got a text from her today that she's planning to switch rooms next semester with a girl she's gotten to know better.  (Yay!)

 

Definitely talk to the RA - some students aren't meant to live in Freshman housing and they know that.  But also encourage him to find like-minded people on campus and start building a community that way.  There really needs to be an eHarmony for roommates!

[Nancy in NH]

It's not a cure-all or a no-partying zone, but, in our searching and asking around, we have definitely found honors dorms tend to skew the odds in your favor (if you want a quiet dorm!). Students who actively want the party zone generally don't choose the honors dorm. 

 

I mean, dd's honors dorm played a huge game of Cards Against Humanity on move-in day, so they're not taking any vows of purity, lol, but overall there's a lower level of drama, and noise in the dorm itself. 

 

DS has already gotten the scoop on the honors dorm (where most of his music peers reside) and it's pretty quiet this year, along with a few other dorms.  He's not expecting things to be perfect.  The overall culture of his current dorm is just not in line with his values and comfort level.

[Nancy in NH]

OP, significant others in the room is a perpetual problem in dorms. They don't have to spend the night in order to engage in questionable activities (questionable bc the roommate is actually in the room). 

 

If he has a roommate who is obliging about not doing this, that's worth something. That's one activity I wouldn't expect to change in the honors or 'quiet' dorm. 

 

DS doesn't really have a problem with his roommate, and he was very grateful that roomy didn't take offense.  

 

He is aware that this is a problem in most dorms, and it is not the reason he wants out of there.  It was uncomfortable for him, but he managed the situation.  Mostly, he is concerned with the partying, the constant noise, the destructive behavior, and the lack of respect for quiet hours.  Kid needs his sleep and to feel comfortable where he's living.

[Nancy in NH]

It sounds like your son is having an experience similar to my daughter's (also a non-drinker and pretty mature for her age).

 

The first week was horrendous (her roommate was meeting guys on Tindr and wanted to bring them back to the dorm), but it forced her to branch out and meet other people.  Just got a text from her today that she's planning to switch rooms next semester with a girl she's gotten to know better.  (Yay!)

 

Definitely talk to the RA - some students aren't meant to live in Freshman housing and they know that.  But also encourage him to find like-minded people on campus and start building a community that way.  There really needs to be an eHarmony for roommates!

 

Glad things are working out for your daughter!

 

 

He had a meeting with RA and another RA that works directly with Residence Life staff, so his concern will be addressed.  They don't know if anything is available (they are the 2nd largest incoming class in the school's history).  DS seemed relieved to have at least gotten the chance to talk to someone, and he said he feels that they do want to help.  We'll see what happens...

 

DS knew before he moved there that the campus clubs weren't very appealing to him (it's a small school), so he told RA tonight that he'd like to start a club and the RA is going to hook him up with info on how to do that.  DS is very introverted and I knew it would be a challenge for him to navigate the social scene on campus.  But, I'm very glad that he is advocating for himself and that he is considering starting a club.

[creekland]

Glad things are working out for your daughter!

 

 

He had a meeting with RA and another RA that works directly with Residence Life staff, so his concern will be addressed.  They don't know if anything is available (they are the 2nd largest incoming class in the school's history).  DS seemed relieved to have at least gotten the chance to talk to someone, and he said he feels that they do want to help.  We'll see what happens...

 

DS knew before he moved there that the campus clubs weren't very appealing to him (it's a small school), so he told RA tonight that he'd like to start a club and the RA is going to hook him up with info on how to do that.  DS is very introverted and I knew it would be a challenge for him to navigate the social scene on campus.  But, I'm very glad that he is advocating for himself and that he is considering starting a club.

 

That sounds promising.  Hopefully there is someone in the other dorm who would like to move.  Best wishes on starting his club too!

[Nancy in NH]

Just an update...

Last week DS finally moved!  He is in a much quieter dorm and very happy with his new roommate.  Turns out the RA was not really doing anything and the meeting was just that--a meeting in which DS's concerns did not leave the room.  DS was at his wit's end, so I urged him to forget waiting for the RA and to go to Residence Life himself.  The RL staff member had something much different to say about the prospect of being able to move, telling DS there were several options and that they change almost daily.  She hooked him up with an email of one guy in another dorm, but unfortunately after another week had gone by, DS had not heard back from him.  On second attempt, though, RL came up with another option and within a day, DS had not only heard back from the student, but had met him and found they have some things in common.

 

Despite the frustrations of dealing with his RA, DS did learn one thing--that the staff there is very supportive.  When another week had gone by, just after talking with the two RA's, DS contacted his academic advisor and piano prof about his situation and told them how miserable he was.  His advisor alerted the Director of Music, who met with DS (and also rallied the music frat guys to help him move).  The director also alerted the Dean of Students.  All of them had a hand in moving things along, it seems.  DS also had a writing assignment in which he had to write a gripe letter.  Well, he wrote about his dorm situation, since he certainly had enough to write about.  When he got it back, the writing prof leaned over and asked, "Have you been able to get this resolved?  If you need any help, let me know."  I was impressed that she cared enough to offer her assistance.  One thing that came out of his miserable first four weeks is that he quickly learned what a great support network he has there.

Last Friday he told me, "I really like it here."  We're both sleeping better now!
 

Nancy

[Kareni]

What a wonderful update!  Thanks for sharing how your son was able to resolve his situation.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[katilac]

Excellent update!

[happypamama]

So glad your son got a good resolution! I'm pretty impressed that multiple higher-ups, including a professor, were happy to get involved.

 

I hated having roommates. I was much happier in a single. I do envy people who became good friends with their college roommates or who hit it off with theirs from the very beginning.

[hopskipjump]

What a wonderful update! What a relief!!!!

[creekland]

That's a great update - thanks for sharing!  I'm so glad your son found a better roomie and feels like he fits in.

 

Hopefully the Powers That Be also contacted the RA and encouraged him to do his job in the future.  If he's not going to do his job, he shouldn't be getting paid for it IMO.   :glare:

[bettyandbob]

Great update!