Help me to understand anxiety

[Laura Corin]

I get anxious about things, but it's pretty specific and isn't every day.  My mum (elderly, living with us) is anxious in a way that comes across as being self-centred.  I don't really understand but I would like to.  A few examples:

 

- Hobbes is having a bad day, so the atmosphere is a bit strained.  We are not as chatty at supper as we normally are.  She says, 'Have I done something wrong?'

 

- The rest of the family is a bit late home (during the daytime).  When we get back she says, 'I didn't know what had happened, so I started imagining what would happen to me if you didn't come back.'

 

- Husband works from home, so he's often busy during the day and sometimes preoccupied.  She came to me a few weeks after she moved in and said, 'He sometimes doesn't talk to me much during the day.  Does he not like me?'

 

If you can tell me how it might be inside my mum's head, it would help me to understand.  For reference, she is on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine, and she and her doctor don't believe she needs more.  She says that she is happy.

 

Thank you.

 

 

[Bluegoat]

I get anxious about things, but it's pretty specific and isn't every day.  My mum (elderly, living with us) is anxious in a way that comes across as being self-centred.  I don't really understand but I would like to.  A few examples:

 

- Hobbes is having a bad day, so the atmosphere is a bit strained.  We are not as chatty at supper as we normally are.  She says, 'Have I done something wrong?'

 

- The rest of the family is a bit late home (during the daytime).  When we get back she says, 'I didn't know what had happened, so I started imagining what would happen to me if you didn't come back.'

 

- Husband works from home, so he's often busy during the day and sometimes preoccupied.  She came to me a few weeks after she moved in and said, 'He sometimes doesn't talk to me much during the day.  Does he not like me?'

 

If you can tell me how it might be inside my mum's head, it would help me to understand.  For reference, she is on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine, and she and her doctor don't believe she needs more.  She says that she is happy.

 

Thank you.

 

I tend to think of it as bad thoughts that you can't get under control, or put in their proper perspective.  Kind of like when you can't sleep because you can't shut off your brain.

 

And sometimes it can be self-centered, or related to it.  It can create self-centeredness, but also I think can work the other way at the same time, so it feeds on itself.

 

But - I wonder if for your mum a big part of the issue is that she really does worry that she is an annoyance or burden, I think that could be a fairly normal reaction to her situation.

[klmama]

It sounds to me like she doesn't have much going on in her life other than family interaction. She may feel like she's imposing on your family, and so she worries about not wanting to offend or be a bother.  Also, since it sounds like she's dependent on you, it makes sense that she would worry if she thought she would be left on her own.  She's just sharing thoughts that others might keep silent about.  Is there anything she could do outside the home that would give her some independence and new things to think about? 

 

[Night Elf]

For me, anxiety is overwhelming and causes me to be focused on the things that are making me anxious. That could appear to be self centered but I certainly don't mean to come across that way. I'm also wondering how your mom is feeling about living with you.

[Laura Corin]

 Is there anything she could do outside the home that would give her some independence and new things to think about? 

 

She's not a social person and is now too frail to feel comfortable going out on her own.

 

For me, anxiety is overwhelming and causes me to be focused on the things that are making me anxious. That could appear to be self centered but I certainly don't mean to come across that way. I'm also wondering how your mom is feeling about living with you.

 

She's very grateful, but she may well feel that she is imposing.  She's not used to being dependent.

[madteaparty]

I have generalized anxiety (not medicated) and I am a pretty self-centered person but that is not how my anxiety manifests (that is to say, anxiety does not cause my self-centeredness).

 

Maybe she is just selfish. A lot of old people are, for self preservation purposes. My father is a doctor, and deals with many many old people. He tells me they can be even more selfish than say, toddlers, probably for the same evolutionary reasons. And I don't think they are doing it to be mean...

Edited August 31, 2016 by madteaparty

[regentrude]

I do not think the first and third are examples of anxiety. She has newly joined your household, do I remember this right? I would take this as a person trying not to be a burden and trying to figure out whether she is reading social cues in the new environment correctly. She may be extroverted and interpret quietness as sign that there is conflict or discord - while it may mean nothing of that sort to other members of the family.

 

I just asked my DS today whether his new girlfriend is feeling welcome at our house because she is very quiet and reserved and I wanted to make sure I interpret it correctly. As a raging extrovert, it took me years until I figured out that DH being quiet did not mean I did something bad and was being punished - but that he had something on his mind he was mulling over. I had to learn this specifically, because it was not intuitive to me.

 

As for people not being home on time: she is dependent on you, you're her family, and it is quite natural for older people to get worried. My grandma was like that. It was not something that required treatment, just a way of thinking that magnifies in older age.

Edited August 31, 2016 by regentrude

[MaeFlowers]

I think she has some social anxiety. If I remember correctly, you said she has been pretty isolated for quite a while. She may have lost some of her ability to read people just from not having been around others for so long. I kind of have been through this myself and it took me a while to readjust.

I am also getting the sense that maybe she is trying to figure out how she fits into your household. I could imagine that finding a place in an already established family might be stressful. Think about if you were to move into someone else's household, would it feel strange or odd to you? Would it take time to find your place in the flow of things, especially if you were an introvert?

[Katy]

Hmmm...  except for maybe the imagining you're dead when you're late thing, which I think is typical if not healthy (I do that too sometimes), it all sounds like boundary problems.  Like, she imagines everything is about her.  I'd just try and be calm and reassuring for a few more months until she gets adjusted, and if it continued after that I might read the book Boundaries as a family and talk through it when she's in the room.

[forty-two]

I take the first and third example as her seeking reassurance that what she fears is *not* actually true.  I used to have a bad habit of throwing out worst-case scenarios when arguing with my dh, to provoke him into responding (he tends to do a turtle impersonation when people are mad at him) - figuring that I was lobbing a softball, so to speak, something that would be easy to refute, and something that he'd *want* to refute (if it weren't true), because it was a very unflattering-to-him view of the situation.  Only he'd just continue sitting there like a stone, refusing to engage, and so I'd assume that what I thought was an off-the-wall worst-case scenario was apparently *actually the case*.  And then I'd get madder - or in your mum's shoes, more anxious - and throw out something even more outrageous that was a new worst-case scenario based on the first one being true-ish.  Lather, rinse, repeat, until (with dh) I hit on something so completely ridiculous that sanity reasserted itself and declared that no matter how it felt, seriously, *that* one wasn't possibly even in the ballpark.  Or with others (more fear than anger) I ran from the relationship and dropped it for fear of what might be going on.

 

Anyway, the more anxious I'm feeling, the more positive reassurance I need - because, yeah, there's nothing like anxiety (and depression) to make a person self-focused in a very negative-feeling way.  When I feel more confident about a situation, I don't have the positive-reassurance-seeking thing going on - because I'm already genuinely assured about it.  Or else my fears are within societal norms and my ability to deal with it is rational - I can just ask outright what's the case, in a casual way, instead of coming at it from a passive, indirect way.  The covert requests for reassurance are covert because I'm scared what I will hear if I just ask.  Only it backfires more often than not, because people don't hear my please-reassure-me-subtext and so don't offer reassurance, and I panic further, because I assume the silence means there was no true reassurance to offer, so my fears are in fact *true*, rooted in fact.

 

I know it can be really frustrating to deal with a person who needs constant reassurance to allay their fears, but it really sucks to *be* that person, too.  And with your mum's situation changing so drastically recently, she has a lot of rooted-in-reality reasons to feel unconfident about her position in your home.  Giving her positive reassurance that whatever fear she voices isn't true would go a long way to helping her feel more confident, I think.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think it's nice that she is asking you about this instead of stewing about it privately.

[Pawz4me]

I think this is a case where tone of voice might really matter. Just reading what you've written with a pretty much neutral voice in my head -- my impression is that she's feeling vulnerable and insecure. Those could definitely overlap with anxiety, but I think they're not the same thing. My guess is that she probably needs a bit more reassurance or maybe just more time to acclimate to her new normal. Didn't you post that she was a bit of a reclusive introvert? Or am I confused? If that's right, then it may take her quite awhile to feel truly comfortable.

 

But again -- tone could matter. I can imagine that the same things said in a different tone could come across as a bit self centered.

[Supertechmom]

im like this.....  anxiety makes me feel that the wrongs of everyone is connected to me.....  Hubby is silent, i"ve offended somehow.  what did i do?  how can i fix it?  how horrible will the fallout be?     any and all negativity is because i did something to cause it.

 

I don't view it as self centered because the opposite doesn't happen.  Everybody is happy, full of fun and having a good time........ anxiety doesn't allow me to  even begin to think I was the cause of it. It only allows me to think if only I didn't screw up so much, I could make everyone feel this way.    

 

Perfectionist is also a part because I need to be perfect to make everything perfect and keep from feeling anxious.  But then I am anxious about making mistakes.......

 

i would say she is truly concerned that she is upsetting everyone and will worry about it even with assurances  (after all, you really wouldn't tell me I was the cause, right?  Much too polite to tell me I bothered you)

 

it can be a relentless cycle

[Garga]

I agree with all of the above (that it's a selfishness borne out of self-preservation, that she's trying to find her place in your household, that she doesn't want to offend). Sustained over time, I think it would be frustrating to deal with. I have little patience with constantly reassuring people of things. It comes across as needy and clingy and manipulative (to me.)

 

However, in this case, I think she needs the reassurance and that it's normal right now and maybe even appropriate? As a PP said, a lot would depend on tone. Is it a mature tone, "Have I upset your dh?" vs a wheedling little-girl tone, "Is your Dh mad at me?" A mature tone is ok. Wheedling and whiny is....difficult.

 

If this is still going on a year from now, then I'd start to get concerned, especially if it's whiny. But it's only been a few months at the most (I think?) and she's still finding her place in the household.

 

I'd lay on the reassuring words pretty thick right now. Give her a solid foundation that she's ok in the household. Don't wait for her to ask about things; tell her ahead of time before she has to ask that things are ok by dropping little comments into everyday conversation about how happy you all are that she's there. Give her a lot of feedback when she's doing the right thing. "It was so lovely to have you help wipe out the sink! It takes some of the burden off of me." (Or whatever.).

 

I think the phrase is to "fill her love tank"? Basically, fill her up with lots of affirmation so that when she starts to wonder if you're not ok with her, she has a full tank of affirmation to remind her that you're ok with her there.

 

I visited my parents last spring. I was thinking to myself, "What if I had to move in with them for some reason?" I was thinking it would take a very long time for their home to feel like my home. Probably many months. At first, I would feel like a constant visitor. Their furniture, their silverware, their plates, their everything. It would take time to feel like I owned anything in the house and was "home" vs just living in a house. I'd expect her to feel off-kilter for a long time.

[Laura Corin]

 

If this is still going on a year from now, then I'd start to get concerned, especially if it's whiny. But it's only been a few months at the most (I think?) and she's still finding her place in the household.

 

 

It's been eight months, but that's not long in the scheme of her life.

[8circles]

I think that it's not productive to think of it as self-centered. Her anxiety makes her lie to herself that she is causing problems. She sounds very worried and unsure and I think that's not surprising given her circumstances. I'd focus on reassuring her that she isn't causing problems and give her something positive to dwell on instead.

[StephanieZ]

I don't know if your mom has dementia. But, it is common in elderly people. 

 

My mom had dementia/Alzheimer's. 

 

One of the more disturbing things about dementia is a regression to a child-like sort of self-centeredness. In my experience, I think the thing that happens as the thinking/reasoning/independence devolves is that they become more child-like as they are dependent on you/your family for their survival/safety/comfort/everything and at the same time, you/your family seem so capable/authoritative. I think Mom just knew we were all OK and wonderful, and that we had to be (or else she'd die!), and so she just mostly stopped worrying about us, and that sometimes felt like she didn't care. At times, she'd have flashes of that old care-taking feeling, but they were rare, and probably compounded by the fact that the rest of us tried to shield her from worries/bad things anyway. 

 

For perspective, I remember when my mom told me she and my step-dad were getting divorced. I was 14. My first question was, "Can I still have my horse?" My mom's marriage was falling apart, but all I was concerned about was if we could afford for me to keep my (expensive) horse. I don't recall feeling a lot of worry about Mom. I was glad to be rid of my step-dad who annoyed me, and I was glad we were financially OK, and that was about all I recall. I wasn't a terrible person, but I was a self-centered 14 year old. 

 

It's *really* hard to accept that shift in a parent. For me, that was probably the hardest personal part of dealing with my mom's decline. She'd been a great mom. Always putting her kids and grandkids first and discounting her own needs. Losing that was brutal. 

 

In essence, something I realized not long after she died . . . My mom became MY child. During her disease, I grieved my loss of my parent/mom as she couldn't express/do the care-taking that was the hallmark of her as my mom. Once she actually died, I grieved the dependent-mom that I hadn't realized I had. I was so busy care-taking her that I hadn't recognized that my love for her had morphed into a love for a child. Her dependency on me -- her just KNOWING that I could fix everything and answer all questions and she'd accept any thing I said as gospel. That sort of acceptance/awe/love that a small child gives you . . . Anyway, I hadn't realized any of that until she was gone. Then I realized that I missed that child-Mom in addition to missing my Mom-Mom and of course also grieving for her own loss of her self. 

 

 

I'm not sure if any of that can make sense to anyone who hasn't yet walked the entire circle of life with their parent, but if it does, maybe it'll help you frame this new part of your relationship with your mom. 

 

[Laurie4b]

I think it is within normal limits for someone who has joined a household and who is dependent at least to some degree to be concerned that she does not become a burden and therefore have to face what she dreads---- being alone, especially given that she is not able to be independent. This could happen to her because she wore out her welcome or because something happened to you. 

 

I would not call it self-centered. I would encourage you to view it as checking in to make sure that she hasn't inadvertently done something that would strain the relationship. So when she asks, I would respond, "I appreciate you asking, Mum, and you were correct that  there was tension, but it wasn't about anything you did. People get crabby sometimes, you know?"  Follow with hugs and smile. I would content myself with doing this for a while before I got aggravated with her asking.  (And there are plenty of people in the world who don't tell you when you've inadvertently offended. You are supposed to figure it out and if you don't it's on you. She may have had experiences like that and be scared that that is the source of any tension.) 

 

I am old enough to contemplate a future as a dependent adult. It's scary. Perhaps in the UK people who are alone are better cared for than in the US but it's a real fear. I don't think it's much if any different than a new mom saying to a husband she'd started to worry about, "I was so worried! I don't know what we'd do if something happened to you!"   What is the plan for your mum if something happened to you? Being able to tell her that might be helpful. 

 

Also, as people age, they seem to lose various filters, especially with regard to social interactions. They often say things they never would have said when younger. I don't know whether the social part of their brain processes things differently or what happens exactly, but I see it in all my elderly relatives. 

[Laurie4b]

It's been eight months, but that's not long in the scheme of her life.

 

If you compare that to other transitions, it's not really too long. Newlyweds still having adjustment issues 8 months in would be very normal. They are learning to live together as a couple. People grieving a death 8 months out are still in the thick of things. 

 

Your mom is likely still trying to adjust to being a member of your family instead of on her own AND to the loss of not being able to live independently. 

 

I think she's well within the ballpark. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

She sounds bored and is fixating on the only thing she can fixate on, herself/family.  

[Laura Corin]

She sounds bored and is fixating on the only thing she can fixate on, herself/family.

I think she is bored, but she doesn't have the energy for much. She does a few jobs around the house, reads the newspaper, makes her own breakfast and lunch, manages her medicine and keeps clean. That and a walk around the garden is all she can manage.

 

I don't have her help me prepare meals because she has forgotten about not licking her fingers as she works, and I don't want her grandchildren to be disgusted.

 

I take her out on Saturdays most weeks.

Edited August 31, 2016 by Laura Corin

[BigMamaBird]

I have problems reading social cues and I often worry that I'm being an imposition on people.  I wish people would be brutally blunt with me so I can know exactly what they expect.  It sounds to me that maybe she has some of this going on at the moment.  For example, when you said your son was having a rough day and things were tense, try telling her that.  If your DH is super busy and preoccupied, tell her that.  It may seem a little self explanatory, but I know I would feel a whole lot more at ease if I knew what was going on and that I personally wasn't contributing to any hard feelings in my environment.

[justasque]

If she doesn't get out much, and doesn't see other people much, then her world is pretty tiny.  There's just not that much TO think about, if that makes sense.  And so she is kind of limited to herself, the family, and the household events.  When you're cooped up like that, little things can easily seem like big things, just because there isn't much else going on.  As a contrast, think about when people first become moms - they shed all kinds of previous worries because they just don't have time to dwell on them.  Super-busy people are the same way - they just don't have time to obsess over much of anything.  They just do the best they can with each thing and move on.  But when you have less going on - say, you're between jobs, or a homemaker with a newly-empty nest - it's easy to get really caught up in the little things.  So in your mom's case, you and your family are the main things in her life, and thus she's likely to dwell on the little bits and pieces of family life more than she would have if she was getting more stimulation/input.  Sadly, I don't have any easy answers.  When someone isn't up for New Things and New People, which is common at her stage of life, and when they are physically unable to get out much, it's tough to help them get the stimulation that could be helpful to them.  Maybe audio books, or radio shows (The Archers!) or letter-writing, or Skyping, or art project?  I say that knowing that the elder folks I know who are slowing down a bit really don't want to do those things - they're just not up to it - so it's really tough.

[Acadie]

I agree with pp's that #1 and #3 sound like either missing social cues, not remembering what it is like to be working, or not being filled in on the situation (Hobbes is having a bad day might fall in this last category).

 

Is it possible for everyone in the family to make an effort to fill her in on things that are obvious to others, but not to her? This may need to be done repeatedly. I do think there's benefit for all ages in stretching our emotional intelligence and communication skills. 

 

As an RN, I also wonder how many meds she's on, and if a general medication and nutritional status review might help in some way. Are there nursing/elder services who could help with that? Any of this could be normal and unavoidable effects of aging, but it's also true that many older adults experience cognitive changes due to either med interactions or decreased absorption of dietary nutrients. Magnesium supplementation occurs to me, as one possibility. My child who feels anxiety really is much calmer on magnesium. Some forms have a laxative effect, some don't, so we choose accordingly ;)

 

Would she try guided meditation? Not all older adults will, but it can help override anxious/negative self-talk and give her something healthy to do.

 

I think it's super cool that you're doing this, and hope it gets easier for everyone.

 

Amy

 

 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2016 by Acadie

[maize]

From the perspective of having lived with someone with anxiety for many years, it seems to me that there is an underlying sense of something amiss or of portending doom--and the person affected will focus in on something--anything--to explain that feeling. Meaning that the things they express anxiety about are not necessarily the source of the anxiety; the anxiety is just there, a thing all its own, and if the thing that they appear to be worried about were to go away/be fixed, the anxious feelings wouldn't go away--they would just be transferred to some other concern.

[Laurie4b]

 

 

Also, as people age, they seem to lose various filters, especially with regard to social interactions. They often say things they never would have said when younger. I don't know whether the social part of their brain processes things differently or what happens exactly, but I see it in all my elderly relatives. 

 

 

I want to clarify this last paragraph. As I've thought about it, I think I can better articulate it. It is very common for people to loose their social filters in terms of what comes out of their mouths and in terms of their behavior.  IOW, social output is affected by cognitive changes in many elderly people. 

 

What I suspect might also be true (i haven't read it anywhere, but I've observed it) is that  social input may also be distorted. The normal filters again aren't in place, so social context/interactions may be more confusing. This may be a cause of anxiety rather than a result of anxiety. My experience is any sort of emotional conflict is much less able to be tolerated. If the filters through which we interpret social behavior have gotten damaged, then the person will likely need reassurance and help with interpretation. 

[Joules]

I don't know if your mom has dementia. But, it is common in elderly people. 

 

My mom had dementia/Alzheimer's. 

 

 

 

This happened with my dad.  The first sign of dementia in him was becoming more and more anxious.  I, like you, tried to everything to alleviate his concerns.  It took two years of it finally worsening into full-blown paranoia for me to realize that you can't explain to or adjust for someone who is losing a part of their brain.  Ultimately I found that I had to treat him like a young child when one had nightmares or was afraid.

 

I don't know if your mom is getting dementia, but I think it is helpful to think about it early.  I did not have support to understand what was going on, so, in essence, beat my head against a brick wall for a couple of years.  If I had understood that it was early dementia, my coping mechanisms and my help for him would have been completely different.

 

I recommend a book, The 36 Hour Day, to help you understand what might be dementia.  I wish I had had a copy three years earlier. 

Edited September 1, 2016 by Joules