Being Helped = Resentment

[Cecropia]

I had a new baby 2 weeks ago, so this is partly postpartum hormones talking.

 

Extended family has been staying with us to help. Just like last time, it only seems to lead to fights and bad feelings. They do what they perceive as help, and much of it objectively keeps the household running... but it isn't help to me. I feel invisible, like I have no control and no say over what happens here. I dread the big "mess" to deal with once they leave (mostly kids' behavior from weeks of "anything goes"). Relatives don't understand what they could be doing wrong; at the same time they wonder why the kids are out of control. They think I am impossible to please, but if they would just ask me... and then listen to me and respect my answers, I would feel so much better. Right now I just want to shut down, stop trying to explain my POV and hide away in a secluded place. My stress level is crazy right now for so many reasons. I don't think it is pp depression even though I have found myself in tears often. Anyone dealing with all the new worries on our shoulders since this baby was born would probably be breaking down sometimes, too.

 

The current group is leaving tomorrow, with no one else scheduled to come for a couple more weeks. I feel guilty to be looking forward to their departure and a window of our-family-only time, even though it's going to be really hard getting by from day to day. I know that our visitors can sense that they've outworn their welcome; everyone feels bad! If we have another baby, I am going to be so tempted to ban visitors for the first month, because I don't want to go through this again. Keeping up with laundry and dishes and meals isn't worth all this resentment.

 

At the same time I am so sad that I am unable to let things slide and just be grateful for all their efforts that are done out of love, even if they aren't done up to my standards. All of our relatives live far away and we won't see any of them again for several months... another reason to be savoring this time. I wish I had a better ability to stop the negative emotions from taking over. Letting oneself be helped is supposed to be a lesson in humility, but I am not learning it well.

[wapiti]

Congrats on your little one and hugs on the extended family situation.  My parents arrived the day we brought our first child home from the hospital and I never did that again LOL.  Oh the stress.  When later babies were born, I just forbid anyone from coming for a few months (even when we had twins).

 

What would get me through in your shoes:  they're leaving tomorrow.  You can start counting the hours.

Edited August 29, 2016 by wapiti

[AnnE-girl]

Please don't feel guilty. Postpartum time is so hard for the whole family. And while the intentions are good, it's really not help if it creates more work for you in the end. I hope you are able to let go of your negative feelings and enjoy the time with you own little family for the next few weeks.

[Arcadia]

I had to delegate. For my in-laws, my hubby passed the message. For my parents, I just tell them explicitly how I want help. I would had conflicts with my in-laws otherwise, helpful as they are.

 

Since you would have relatives coming to help again, maybe someone can entertain the 2 year old and someone else can supervise the older two kids work? My parents don't cook so they took short walks and get takeout for us when my youngest was born. My MIL cooks so FIL cleans up. Laundry is done by my hubby all along.

[zoobie]

I don't think you'd be out of line at all! You should be nesting away with your new babe and not worried about guests.

 

I have this conversation with my 4 yo every.single.day: it's not "help" if it makes my life more difficult.

 

Will they do specific jobs if you assign those? When you say keeping up with meals--please tell me me you aren't cooking for these people?!?! Laundry can be done by DH or older kids (can't see ages on my phone.) I'll come over and kick them out for you!

[jjeepa]

Congrats on your new baby!  That's wonderful  :001_smile:

 

I want to encourage you to give yourself a big break and lower your expectations of how "you should be feeling or acting!"  You may not be experiencing pp depression, but you're still experiencing postpartum everything else.  There's a huge transition taking place inside your body right now, as you know, and it's going to require some tending too.  You don't need to scrutinize your reactions or apologize for how you feel.  It's all completely normal!

 

You need rest.  And, be alone if that's what you need.  Separate yourself from stressful situations and trust that eventually your family will come to understand and respect what you need, even if they aren't doing that now.   :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Oh you poor dear. I would be out of my mind if I had family there for 2 weeks....much less more coming.

[Another Lynn]

Don't feel guilty!! No way in heck would I want ANYONE staying in my house if I were post partum. For whatever reason, they don't get your system/approach and are too dense to seek to understand you. You have every reason to look forward to their leaving, guilt free.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do you actually need extended family help?  I didn't.  You have a 12 year old and 9 year old so surely they are capable of throwing laundry in and starting the dishwasher - even if it might not be perfect. Could you just hold off on help and ask for visitors in a month or two instead?   

[goldberry]

I totally get it.

 

I believe, and have taught DD, that when you want to help someone, it is about them and not about you.  You should help in a way that is truly helpful to them, not just what you want to do.  If you get upset over that, then maybe you should re-examine your motives about why you really want to help in the first place.

 

I agree with you, I would rather have no help than help that either makes me stressed or makes the situation worse.  It is not up to you to make them feel good about helping.

[goldberry]

When I had my first baby, my best friend (out of state) wanted to come and help. 

 

Previously, I had no experience with children and rarely even babysat.  Toddlers made me crazy stressful and exhausted.  Friend was going to bring her 2 year old toddler with her.  I said no.  This really hurt the friend's feelings, and it took a long time for our friendship to get over it, although we did.  I felt bad that she was hurt, but I would make the same choice again.

 

I just think that there are some times, post-delivery being one, that you get to say what is best for you and your family, and that should come first.  

[NorthwestMom]

I agree with everyone!

 

Congrats on your new baby! Be kind to yourself.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[SparklyUnicorn]

I 100% get it.  I would feel the same.  My MIL is a total control freak and when visiting her I felt like an invisible baby.  That's what I called myself.  The invisible baby.

 

 

[MrsBasil]

((Hugs))   I had "help" in the form of my in-laws after DS arrived.  It was miserable.  My first baby, I was post partum, post c-section, on pain pills, exhausted, and hormonal.  It wasn't a great situation at all.  When DD arrived I banned any visitors who were staying longer than a few hours for the first month.

 

Don't feel bad about it at all!

[Reefgazer]

Kick 'em all the hell out, then hire a housekeeper and cook, that way your household runs like a finely tuned machine and you've got no relative hassles, lol.

[Laurie4b]

:grouphug:  I hope you can get some good rest, bonding time, and normalcy in the next couple weeks!

[PinkTulip]

Huge hugs! I quickly learned after my first that having family come stay to "help" is not actually helpful to my mental state and actually creates a ton of stress in my life. So after my other babies, we told family they could come after the first month, but would not be able to stay at our house, to not disrupt the routine we settled into with the new baby. Much less stressful for me that way!

[Murphy101]

I think you are rightfully resenting that you just had a baby and everyone is coming in and turning your household upside down - which is decidedly NOT helpful. It doesn't matter if they see it that way or not, you do and it's your household they are supposed to be helping.

 

Tell them this isn't working and you just need some baby moon nuclear family bonding time.

 

And NO MORE company needs to come stay with you. I'd cancel that.

[TX Native]

Telling people your due date isn't until 2 weeks later is brilliant!

[TX Native]

BTW: Congratualtions and I feel like an emotional roller coaster after having a baby. We had MIL stay for a week after our firstborn and it was stressful. I have a sweet MIL, but we clashed when it was just her snd I hear alone while dh was at work all day. I was sleep deprived and we had differences about what the baby needed. I also had narcotics for a very bad tear, almost C-section equivalent pain. The narcotics made me even more emotional. Next baby, she came a shorter time and mostly helped with my toddler. Much less stressful.

Edited August 29, 2016 by TX native

[wendy not in HI]

 

 Right now I just want to shut down, stop trying to explain my POV and hide away in a secluded place. My stress level is crazy right now for so many reasons. I don't think it is pp depression even though I have found myself in tears often. Anyone dealing with all the new worries on our shoulders since this baby was born would probably be breaking down sometimes, too.

 

 

 

I think that sounds like such a smart idea.  Can you do that? Can you go hide away in a secluded place, like your bedroom? Can your husband tell your guests that you aren't feeling well and need to spend the next couple days in your room with the baby?  Then you can make a little nest for yourself and baby (bring in water bottles, snacks, and a laptop. watch movies, nap with the baby, ignore any sounds outside of your room) and let your guests do what damage they can on the rest of the house without you.

 

My inlaws make me crazy.  Truly.  I turn into a person I don't want to be when they are around.  They are the least helpful people in the world.  I asked them not to come when baby #4 was born.  I'd rather have no help.  Our most successful visits are when my dh and I have left town for most of their visit while they tend the kids.  They are just hard to be around even when I'm feeling good.  

 

I'm so sorry you are having a stressful day.  I hope you can go hide for a little while, even if you can't hide for the whole week.

[QueenCat]

It really is okay to tell people that they can't come or that they need to leave early. Even if it costs them money to do so. Especially if they didn't ask your permission to come for the visit. And you really never have to say "yes". With our second, we told everyone but my mom "no". Why? Because she is truly helpful AND she listens to me. Did it hurt mil's feelings? Yes, but as the new mother, my feelings counted more.

[Rebel Yell]

You mentioned "the current group." How many people? In my opinion, one single adult female who is actually helpful is plenty. Any more than that is not helpful, unless they are all trained doulas and baby nurses.

 

Are they staying IN YOUR HOUSE? Is your house big enough to actually comfortable accommodate that, even on a good day without a newborn?

 

I really hope you are able to stop the next group from coming. It clearly isn't helpful. If they want to visit let them do so when it's convenient and desired by you.

 

And CONGRATS!

[kubiac]

I 100% get it.  I would feel the same.  My MIL is a total control freak and when visiting her I felt like an invisible baby.  That's what I called myself.  The invisible baby.

 

What a great description. FIL is exactly the same (OCD micromanager) and it is so hard owning your own needs in his presence!

[SparklyUnicorn]

What a great description. FIL is exactly the same (OCD micromanager) and it is so hard owning your own needs in his presence!

 

I mean I TRIED to just sort of imagine that I was a queen and used to not lifting a finger.  It didn't always help.  LOL

 

It's one thing too though to have someone help you or wait on you and it's another to be completely ignored.  Like, "Are you hungry?"  No, thanks I am not.  "Oh ok so I'll go cook you a steak."  So there's the big meal in front of me and I am not hungry because I just ate 1/2 an hour ago and heaven forbid I do not eat this steak dinner I will never hear the end of it.

 

I don't know how I didn't gain 100 pounds.  LOL

[Cecropia]

Thank you all. The support is wonderful.

 

For the last baby, I had the same help. We had an uncomplicated delivery, but it was soon followed by another hospitalization, doctors appts nearly every day, baby tied to a bili blanket at home and me pumping every spare moment... I was a wreck. The extra help then was absolutely necessary, even though they still drove me crazy. I can't imagine going through that as immediate family, alone. The experience was traumatic and made me paranoid about the next baby, so I asked them to come again. He may end up with problems, too, but it won't be a crisis situation like his brother's.

 

The relatives who stay with us for weeks take care of babysitting, meals, shopping and chores for the most part. The other visitors who come don't really help at all, except entertaining kids for a little while and "holding the baby so you can get things done" (not wanted/helpful!) - so more stressful but for a much shorter period of time, plus they usually stay at a hotel.

 

But, yeah, I had to laugh at "invisible baby". That is exactly how I feel, even with the kids. Thank goodness for Dh, the only person in this house who actually listens to me. I ask or delegate or whatever, and everyone does what they want or what they think I said not 5 min ago. I am like the wha-wha of the Charlie Brown trumpet adult.

[Carol in Cal.]

Ugh.

My least favorite is when someone says they will hold the baby for me.  Because that's the best part, I totally don't get enough of it, and there isn't anything else I would rather do. 

It's not a favor unless it's for two minutes while I go to the bathroom.

 

Luckily my husband had lots of vacation time saved up, so he took 4 weeks off.  That worked out great.

[nd293]

Congratulations on the baby! I'll just say I'm not in favour of visitors until the mom has established a routine. Even with my second baby where I had an emergency c-section with blood transfusion, and we lived in a country very far from home I didn't welcome visitors for a while. If this didn't work well last time, or this time, you might not want to have any more visitors until you're settled. Can you postpone the next set of visitors for a month?

[Guest]

Stop letting them help on their terms.

 

Seriously.

 

Lists are your friend. Have a list of small and specific tasks to do, and if they want to help they can pick one. Otherwise they need to be out of the house or quietly doing their own thing.

 

It's not help if it isn't helping, and it's not harsh to indicate as much. I have he opposite problem postpartum where I need help and no one ever offers, but the few friends who have assisted I have managed the same way - a list with a specific job assignment. Everyone feels good by the end because they're doing what is needed and I'm getting things done by their help, without feeling stepped on.

 

I don't let people hold the baby except when I need to go to the bathroom. My job is the nurse and stay sitting or laying down, their job is to do the jobs I can't do right now. Easy peasy.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[Garga]

Oh how infuriating! I'm getting angry for you and want to march over there saying, "No! She said she was full and didn't want the steak!" And toss it in the garbage to prove the point.

 

I hate it when I don't feel heard, especially when it counts. I feel so sorry for you.

 

You still have time to cancel anyone else's visits or to make them shorter if need be. Sounds like they're excited to come and see the baby, so you ought to still let them come, but just for a couple of hours and then go. Not for days on end.

[Murphy101]

Husband needs to be designated gate keeper and respect enforcer.

 

I'd be just as mad my husband was putting up with it after knowing how I felt.

 

If nothing else - Blame it on cold and flu season. Sorry. No more company. Can't risk the baby or healing mom getting sick.

[Xahm]

So sorry. I'm due Thursday and MIL called today to make it clear she wants to know when I'm in labor so she can be there when the baby is born. Grr. She was there for baby 2, talked the whole time about stupid stuff (she was uncomfortable and trying to distract herself), came back in after I kicked her out, and broke my bread machine pan. Not happening again. Oh, and she told everyone how horrible and difficult the delivery was. It was actually a pretty standard natural home delivery. Not even any tearing.

My plan is to have my husband text her when I'm going in transition and ask her to pick up something at the store on the way. Hopefully by the time she arrives the baby will be here, or I'll be so focused on pushing I won't notice her.

My original plan was for her to take the other kids, but when I realized she would probably try to watch them in the house so she could sneak in, I nixed that. I don't need her and two preschoolers sneaking in!

She's a wonderful woman, but not who I want near me while I am in pain. My in laws have a totally different communication style than my family of origin, which I think is a common source of trouble.

All that was mostly my personal vent, but you are great, you can love your relatives and still want them to go away, and congratulations.

[EMS83]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I have no idea what your unique family situation is, but I think I'd feel the same way you describe if I felt I had not control or authority in my own house.  We never let anyone stay; we have never really had the space anyway.  So of course I think that's a perfectly viable option, if you can let things slide for a few months.  But I don't know what all demands are on you, so that may not fit.  

 

Regardless, enjoy your family time in between help, and I hope it gets better sooner rather than later!!

[Teresa in MO]

I am going to give you my experience as the helper.  My dd has 5 kids with the oldest being 6 1/2.  They live 4 hours away.  With each one I have left my house when she was in labor and stayed for two weeks after.  But, I truly do everything I can to help.  I cook, clean, do laundry, drive my grandkids to preschool, change diapers, give baths, do bedtime, help homeschool my gdd, etc.  Living so far away, this is my time to bond with the newborn grandbaby.  And it has helped form the very close relationship I have with each grandchild. I keep the rules and schedule of the house, and in NO way ever interfere in the way they discipline my grandchildren.  I have told my dd that she can tell me at anytime to go home and I would not be hurt in any way, shape, or form.  I always stay the whole two weeks.  We go there about every 4-6 weeks.  We have always been welcomed.  My dh is finishing a schoolroom in their basement for them.  We are a close family and families are there to help each other.  I was there this past weekend.  My dd and her dh took advantage of a free babysitter and went to dinner Saturday night.  We have told them that if we are there to feel free to go and spend time together.

 

I have no doubt that it is not this way for everyone.  There is no way I would have wanted my MIL to stay after having my babies.  But she only lived 5 minutes away and helped in other ways. I must be doing something right.  After my latest granddaughter was born at the beginning of May, the last night I would be there I told my dd if they wanted to, to get out and go to dinner.  When they came home she told me that my SIL told her he wished I could stay forever!

[eternalsummer]

Wow, some of you have much higher tolerances for allowing people to intrude on your personal space than I do.

 

I don't allow anyone except DH in the hospital while I am in labor. I highly highly discourage visitors to the hospital (except DH and the kids) after the baby is born.  I don't let anyone come stay for at least a month afterward (and I'd prefer longer).  

 

I also tend to spend a lot of time by myself or with the baby (if I have a baby at the time) in my bedroom when we have extended guests (more than a few hours).  I just can't handle them.  That isn't the best solution, though, as I resent the whole time there are people taking up all of my living space and dealing with my children in ways I don't approve of and putting away my dishes in the wrong places and etc.

 

Congratulations on the baby :)  If you start to feel really bad, just tell DH you are sorry but the company is contributing to a very stressful situation for you, which with hormonal changes is not advisable for your mental health, and they will have to go stay in a hotel until it is time for them to go home.

[Guest]

I am going to give you my experience as the helper. My dd has 5 kids with the oldest being 6 1/2. They live 4 hours away. With each one I have left my house when she was in labor and stayed for two weeks after. But, I truly do everything I can to help. I cook, clean, do laundry, drive my grandkids to preschool, change diapers, give baths, do bedtime, help homeschool my gdd, etc. Living so far away, this is my time to bond with the newborn grandbaby. And it has helped form the very close relationship I have with each grandchild. I keep the rules and schedule of the house, and in NO way ever interfere in the way they discipline my grandchildren. I have told my dd that she can tell me at anytime to go home and I would not be hurt in any way, shape, or form. I always stay the whole two weeks. We go there about every 4-6 weeks. We have always been welcomed. My dh is finishing a schoolroom in their basement for them. We are a close family and families are there to help each other. I was there this past weekend. My dd and her dh took advantage of a free babysitter and went to dinner Saturday night. We have told them that if we are there to feel free to go and spend time together.

 

I have no doubt that it is not this way for everyone. There is no way I would have wanted my MIL to stay after having my babies. But she only lived 5 minutes away and helped in other ways. I must be doing something right. After my latest granddaughter was born at the beginning of May, the last night I would be there I told my dd if they wanted to, to get out and go to dinner. When they came home she told me that my SIL told her he wished I could stay forever!

Can you be my mother in law?

 

:lol:

 

Seriously, if every helper was as helpful as respectful as you I think there'd be way less issues postpartum for a whole lot of women!

[eternalsummer]

So sorry. I'm due Thursday and MIL called today to make it clear she wants to know when I'm in labor so she can be there when the baby is born. Grr. She was there for baby 2, talked the whole time about stupid stuff (she was uncomfortable and trying to distract herself), came back in after I kicked her out, and broke my bread machine pan. Not happening again. Oh, and she told everyone how horrible and difficult the delivery was. It was actually a pretty standard natural home delivery. Not even any tearing.

My plan is to have my husband text her when I'm going in transition and ask her to pick up something at the store on the way. Hopefully by the time she arrives the baby will be here, or I'll be so focused on pushing I won't notice her.

My original plan was for her to take the other kids, but when I realized she would probably try to watch them in the house so she could sneak in, I nixed that. I don't need her and two preschoolers sneaking in!

She's a wonderful woman, but not who I want near me while I am in pain. My in laws have a totally different communication style than my family of origin, which I think is a common source of trouble.

All that was mostly my personal vent, but you are great, you can love your relatives and still want them to go away, and congratulations.

 

 

Seriously, tell DH that when you are in labor you do not want MIL anywhere around.  Do not tell her when you go into labor.  Tell her after the baby is born that labor is a very personal and intense experience for you and DH and you're not comfortable sharing it with others this time.

[Xahm]

Seriously, tell DH that when you are in labor you do not want MIL anywhere around. Do not tell her when you go into labor. Tell her after the baby is born that labor is a very personal and intense experience for you and DH and you're not comfortable sharing it with others this time.

He knows. His plan is to tell her when it is too late for her to get here for the birth. I really will be happy to see her after the baby is born. In his family it is okay for him to be blunt or to completly ignore her desires and then have her harass him about it for the next 20 years (in good fun, really). My family is not at all like that, gets feelings hurt easily but doesn't mention it, etc, so I have trouble communicating strong desires to the in laws.

[Tammi K]

 

I have this conversation with my 4 yo every.single.day: it's not "help" if it makes my life more difficult.

 

 

I've always told the kids, "It isn't helpful if you're not helping."  

 

 

(Usually used with the older kids when they have decided that they were going to do X when we asked them to do Y.)

 

[Murphy101]

I am going to give you my experience as the helper. My dd has 5 kids with the oldest being 6 1/2. They live 4 hours away. With each one I have left my house when she was in labor and stayed for two weeks after. But, I truly do everything I can to help. I cook, clean, do laundry, drive my grandkids to preschool, change diapers, give baths, do bedtime, help homeschool my gdd, etc. Living so far away, this is my time to bond with the newborn grandbaby. And it has helped form the very close relationship I have with each grandchild. I keep the rules and schedule of the house, and in NO way ever interfere in the way they discipline my grandchildren. I have told my dd that she can tell me at anytime to go home and I would not be hurt in any way, shape, or form. I always stay the whole two weeks. We go there about every 4-6 weeks. We have always been welcomed. My dh is finishing a schoolroom in their basement for them. We are a close family and families are there to help each other. I was there this past weekend. My dd and her dh took advantage of a free babysitter and went to dinner Saturday night. We have told them that if we are there to feel free to go and spend time together.

 

I have no doubt that it is not this way for everyone. There is no way I would have wanted my MIL to stay after having my babies. But she only lived 5 minutes away and helped in other ways. I must be doing something right. After my latest granddaughter was born at the beginning of May, the last night I would be there I told my dd if they wanted to, to get out and go to dinner. When they came home she told me that my SIL told her he wished I could stay forever!

I think the keys for you are

 

You are involved enough outside of the birthing time to know the more intimate family dynamics and household routine. And you go out of your way not to disrupt or intrude on that in your efforts to help. You don't come expecting to be treated like super duper generous visiting company.

 

For far too many people "help" means they come in and do things how they think mom should have been doing it (i.e. However they want to or don't want to.) and or being the "fun" relative who doesn't make the kids do anything and or only ordering in the ocassional meal and demanding to hold the baby and not much else. Such help is not only not helpful, it's a 24/7 frustrating PITA.

[happypamama]

We have had our babies at home thus far, so we tell people to come in the first couple of days and then go home. They come and bring meals and play with the big kids and generally help out. They hold the baby some but mostly just care for us/me while I care for the baby. My babies tend to be mostly sleepy in the first couple of days, and I'm usually feeling pretty good, but after two or three days, I get tired, and the babies wake up and want to nurse constantly, and I won't rest if people are there, so I make them go home. If anybody has minded, tough luck. Nobody stays at our house. Last time I put meals in the freezer, so it was easy for dh (home for a week and then working from home for another week) to make dinners. DH and I are both super private people so we aren't big on lots of company. We've had a few friends drop by with food, and that's been really nice and very appreciated, but it's not a constant stream. I agree with the other posters -- if they aren't helping, send them away and keep the next set away!!