merry gardens Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 How do you deal with misplaced guilt? Those nagging fears you did...too much...or...too little for your child... or simultaneously too much and too little. The fears you should have done something differently...That you should have noticed what was going on, known what it was, and gotten an evaluation with the exactly the right professional to "fix" things? The nagging doubts that you should have sent your child to school...or to a different school...or continued homeschooling instead of sending him to school...or used a different homeschool program or style? The assumption that somehow, some way, you could have made things better/easier/different? When the reality is, you probably did far more than most parents would have done in similar situations and life's just simply imperfect and unfair? How do you deal with it? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 (edited) Hugs. I don't know but I sympathize because I deal with this, too. I know it is unproductive and I just need to face forward and accept what we have now, not dwell on might have beens from the past. Still, my thoughts stray backwards and the guilt creeps in... Edited August 29, 2016 by OneStepAtATime 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I deal with it by recognizing it as the "bargaining" stage of the grieving process. By identifying these thoughts and feelings, I am able to keep them in check and move past them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I am fortunate to have a husband who usually doesn't go through that phase at the same time as me, so when I'm in the "we totally screwed him up because of......." (in our case, I question the entire fact we lived for 6 yrs in a foreign country....it actually DID impact his development, in ways we are still pushing past/plowing through), I cry or vent or talk to my husband, and he reminds me of the things in this thread -- we did the best we could, the choices we made, made sense at the time, we got help as soon as we knew it was needed, etc. He reminds me of the good parts of our decisions, too, and in general does a good job of talking me down off the ledge. And then, when it's his turn to freak out, I do the same for him. If I didn't have *someone* in my life to be that voice of reason when I'm freaking out, I'm not sure what I'd do. Lots more big, ugly cries in the bathtub, probably. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heathermomster Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I try to take the info that I have since learned and use it to help others. DH and I were given bad info from teaching professionals that we wrongly assumed were informed. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I try to take the info that I have since learned and use it to help others. DH and I were given bad info from teaching professionals that we wrongly assumed were informed. Here, too. We were steered in the wrong direction by "knowledgeable professionals" many times. And yeah, it does help when I can pass on some bit of knowledge I have gained so as to help others who are on this journey. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 I remember that NONE of the various therapists, doctors, teachers, etc. ever once suggested getting a follow-up audiology exam during the 4 years between when she had the normal one and when she had the one that showed profound loss in the high frequencies. At that point, I was just a mom and hadn't done any hearing-related coursework or training. I can look back now and recognize the signs but that's with the benefit of hindsight & everything I've learned about hearing loss in the past 18 months. Do I wish that we had discovered the hearing loss earlier and gotten intervention for her sooner? Of course. But I take comfort that because I was pushy about trying to get dyslexia testing in K rather than waiting until 3rd like the district had wanted, I prevented the situation from getting worse. Who knows how long it would've taken for her hearing to have deteriorated enough that she could no longer compensate by lip-reading. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted August 29, 2016 Author Share Posted August 29, 2016 Thank you everyone! :grouphug: I'm feeling a bit better today. We've got several things going on right now and last night I started playing the self-blame game. All of the comments were quite helpful. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to comment. I thought about deleting this thread right after I posted it, but I'm glad I didn't. You ladies are a great support system! Thank you!!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Thank you everyone! :grouphug: I'm feeling a bit better today. We've got several things going on right now and last night I started playing the self-blame game. All of the comments were quite helpful. I really appreciate each of you taking the time to comment. I thought about deleting this thread right after I posted it, but I'm glad I didn't. You ladies are a great support system! Thank you!!! Glad you are feeling better. Actually, this thread helped me, too. We had a pretty good day today. Thanks. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyJoMama Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 A simple way to feel successful is to base it on things we do have control over. If our success is attainable it's helpful to keep trying and feel good. An example would be: Say a child struggles learning and I tend to get ANGRY out loud. I don't always have control over that. I'd like to say I do, but that would be lying at this point. However I can gadge my success not on how many explosions, but on something else that is helpful and lending toward helping my heart. Maybe I could say outloud 5 things I'm grateful for a day. And if I did that I am successful. May look into giving yourself says to succeed and it will eclipse guilt. Sincerely, Becky Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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