DaisyDay Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 One of our foster babies has become available for adoption. Both sides of the family have approached my dh and me to adopt (even though we are middle aged) because the baby has extensive medical issues and we've had him most of his life. They know they can't meet his needs and are willing to let him go, hoping that if we keep him, they can continue to see him from time to time and stay in touch with us. We don't have a problem with this, especially since the family has never been anything but kind and respectful toward us but we want to be careful and maintain boundaries. Please share your thoughts and experiences in this area. We want to maintain sole discretion in when and how often they visit. They can request a visit but they won't have "rights". If they behave inappropriately or if the visits are difficult for the child, we want to be able to stop them. Anything else to consider? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 It sounds like it could be a great situation. No adoptions are without some grief and loss and questions. If you formally adopt, which I would suggest, then you would hold all decision making power over the visits. If the family continues to be appropriate it can be very helpful to a child to have birth parents involved in his/her life. As a side note, I would make sure to apply for and get approval for any and all subsidy programs you can before finalizing the adoption. Esp with life long special needs, getting that in place first is so helpful. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyDay Posted August 28, 2016 Author Share Posted August 28, 2016 It sounds like it could be a great situation. No adoptions are without some grief and loss and questions. If you formally adopt, which I would suggest, then you would hold all decision making power over the visits. If the family continues to be appropriate it can be very helpful to a child to have birth parents involved in his/her life. As a side note, I would make sure to apply for and get approval for any and all subsidy programs you can before finalizing the adoption. Esp with life long special needs, getting that in place first is so helpful. He would qualify for a monthly subsidy check. We plan to negotiate for the maximum amount allowable. Are there other subsidy programs we should inquire about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 We have an open adoption. We no longer allow bio mom to see him in person(though open to it in the future) but grandparents on both sides, aunts and uncles, and cousins can see him. I am actually the one to initiate all visits. :/ The terms of family contact and what manner shold be written into the adoption decree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 We have two open adoptions. One from foster care, much like you are describing. And a newly opened adoption for DH. :) In our state, once an adoption is complete, the adoptive parents have all decision making re: visits. Some states offer a way to legalize the agreements you make, and include them with the adoption - in that case, you need to file with the court to change arrangements, unless your agreement is fairly open-ended. Either way, be open with the bio family about your expectations and plans re: visits, and be detailed about all of it - there is no reason to promise the moon and not follow through - that can cause a lot of pain, and I don't think you'd do it, but sometimes it seems that it feels that way to birth families - I think it's when real life gets in the way of good intentions. I would talk to them about your hopes, as well. Our Big Fear isn't that they will visit too much, but that they will disappear. It's terrible for a child. And it's not uncommon, sadly. I have a ton more thoughts, but not much time. If you want to hear how two radically different open adoptions have played out, just pm me. Oh! One extra thought: when you talk about what visits would look like, talk about who the birth family would bring. One of our adoptions, the birth family never showed up alone - we just wouldn't know how many people would be coming, and I'm not the type to turn people away at the door (we have visits at home), but we finally had to sit down and discuss that visits are for bfamily, and getting to know kiddos. And we had to do some training re: letting us know in advance if they want to bring their second cousin's boyfriend and family. I think that's a cultural difference between our families, to bring extra guests uninvited, but it did create some friction till we ironed it out. Overall, open adoption has been good for us. We've learned a lot about love, and grown in ways I could not have foreseen. I love, truly love, my kids' bitthfamilies. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted August 28, 2016 Share Posted August 28, 2016 He would qualify for a monthly subsidy check. We plan to negotiate for the maximum amount allowable. Are there other subsidy programs we should inquire about? In Michigan we can get medical subsidy and Medicaid in addition to support subsidy. We were able to negotiate a higher than typical rate for some of ours as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyx4 Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 A friend with open adoptions found a way to discourage visits on major holidays. She had 4 adopted children and she was concerned about the kids whose bioparents were not still involved. Plus holidays can be very overwhelming for some of her kids. YMMV Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyDay Posted August 31, 2016 Author Share Posted August 31, 2016 A friend with open adoptions found a way to discourage visits on major holidays. She had 4 adopted children and she was concerned about the kids whose bioparents were not still involved. Plus holidays can be very overwhelming for some of her kids. YMMV Good thought. We have other adoptions too. Definitely something to consider since this family tends to go overboard on gift-giving occasions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 (edited) If it's possible emotionally and there's not a detrimental effect on the child, I think lots of studies have shown that the more open, the better. Keep in mind that (in the USA, at least), when you adopt from foster care you are the parents. If something changes and you no longer see the benefits of keeping things open, you can close things more. There's a podcast called Foster Parenting Podcast where the family initially agreed on a more open adoption, but then when it was no longer in the girls' best interest, they stopped visits for a while. They seemed to say that while everyone in their agency encouraged open adoptions if possible, completely open after foster care is, at best, rare. Then again, most of those cases are not matters of medical needs, but of neglect or abuse. If they are just doing what is in the best interest of the child, I don't see any harm in keeping things open. Having said that, is this just a general question, or do you have some private reservations for reasons you haven't mentioned yet? Edited August 31, 2016 by Katy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 31, 2016 Share Posted August 31, 2016 Here in Victoria Australia all permanent care/adoptions from foster care are open. The court will order the number of access visits per year that have to be complied with. The minimum is 4. We are stuck with 4 parent access visits plus4 sibling access visits. We have to travel 400+ km EACH way for the visit. I mostly use public transport and it takes 7 hours each way. So it makes it into a 2 day traveling ordeal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyDay Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 If it's possible emotionally and there's not a detrimental effect on the child, I think lots of studies have shown that the more open, the better. Keep in mind that (in the USA, at least), when you adopt from foster care you are the parents. If something changes and you no longer see the benefits of keeping things open, you can close things more. There's a podcast called Foster Parenting Podcast where the family initially agreed on a more open adoption, but then when it was no longer in the girls' best interest, they stopped visits for a while. They seemed to say that while everyone in their agency encouraged open adoptions if possible, completely open after foster care is, at best, rare. Then again, most of those cases are not matters of medical needs, but of neglect or abuse. If they are just doing what is in the best interest of the child, I don't see any harm in keeping things open. Having said that, is this just a general question, or do you have some private reservations for reasons you haven't mentioned yet? No, no reservations. It's just that some adoptive parents start out with the best of intentions to include the bio family in the child(ren)'s life and then quickly find that there are unexpected pot holes along the way. We don't want to discover, too late, that we've failed to properly maintain our boundaries. Also, given that this child has significant medical needs that will likely follow him throughout his life, we feel like we are in a position to negotiate our terms with CPS to some extent. Looking for advice from those who have BTDT. Once you sign on the dotted line, that's it. No more negotiating. We don't want to get 5-10 years down the road and think, gosh, we should have insisted on ______ before we finalized. I'll see if I can find that podcast. Thank you! :thumbup1: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyDay Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 Here in Victoria Australia all permanent care/adoptions from foster care are open. The court will order the number of access visits per year that have to be complied with. The minimum is 4. We are stuck with 4 parent access visits plus4 sibling access visits. We have to travel 400+ km EACH way for the visit. I mostly use public transport and it takes 7 hours each way. So it makes it into a 2 day traveling ordeal :scared: :crying: I think that would be a deal breaker for us! I'm wondering if that has a negative effect on the number of adoptions from foster care in Australia? If a family adopts several kids in separate adoptions, that's a lot of visits imposed on them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted September 1, 2016 Share Posted September 1, 2016 Daisy day....feel.free to private message me. We negotiated with the state for our high medical needs adoptions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaisyDay Posted September 1, 2016 Author Share Posted September 1, 2016 Daisy day....feel.free to private message me. We negotiated with the state for our high medical needs adoptions. I pm'd you. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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