Shutting down at school...

[Kanin]

...what can I do to help? This kid is 11, dyslexic, and a perfectionist. When he makes a mistake, forgets something, etc. he buries his head in his arms and won't talk... for a LONG time.

 

I belong to Ross Greene's school of thought that kids do well if they can, not if they want to - so I'm guessing that his response is anxiety related. I really DON'T think he's testing the waters, being manipulative, etc. I should add that this kid really likes me a lot, so it's not a personality conflict. 

 

I'm going to be working with him in a small group for part of his reading class every day, so I'll be able to make sure he's successful with his work during that time. If he forgets his homework or something, though, it can derail the first 20 minutes or more of his day. This has been happening as long as I've known him (over 2 years), and in every class. He's known for it, and I'm a little worried that he's going to be branded as a defiant kid even though I'm sure he's not.

 

My initial plan includes:  doable work; a checklist and timer so he can see exactly what we're going to do and how long it's going to last; a workbox filled with things he has to do, but that he can do in any order.

 

What to do about a shutdown, though, I have no idea. Joking him out of it doesn't really work. Help! 

[Terabith]

My daughter shuts down at school, and once she's shut down, there's not much you can do. Teacher who had the best results just would go over to her quietly and say, "Don't worry about it. We will work on it another time." And then she would either leave her be or suggest another activity: would you run an errand for me? Why don't you listen to a book? Etc. Movement and change of subject worked the best. But she really did let it go. No finish at home, etc. She usually waited a day or so to try again.

[Innisfree]

In my own experience, once the shutdown happens, we pretty much need to wait it out.

 

Here it's a reaction to stress. It's a physiological response, not volitional. So the key is avoiding it to begin with, and it sounds like you're on the right track there. The best answer I've found is to make sure my dd experiences success early and often.

 

Talking a lot about how mistakes are part of learning and to be expected is a longer-term strategy. I try to talk out loud about my own mistakes, the fact that they can be frustrating, but also demonstrating that they aren't the end of the world.

 

It sounds like you're volunteering in a classroom, rather than the parent of this child? I hope he's had full evaluations. It's possible to address this more systematically, but might involve behavioral therapy or medication to help lower the anxiety. I hate to think of a kid continuing to experience failure across all his classes in the way you describe.

[Lecka]

I saw Brenda Smith Myles speak two years ago, and she has a book called Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments that I think would cover this. Her presentation did. Similar suggestions to above.

[Guest]

Several years ago, I read a book called, The Book Whisperer by Donalyn Miller. In it she describes how she goes about recommending books to children based on their own likes and needs. In any case, in her book she also shares about how her way of communicating thoughts with others is always easier for her if she does it through a book recommendation.

 

I am the same way, and find that quite often a book can convey the right messages, without the pressure of being preached to or having to share feelings you might not necessarily have the words for.

 

One book I used with my 12-year old, when he was younger is, Nobody's Perfect by Ellen Flanagan Burns. At the time we read it together but without pressure, just letting the conversation come naturally.

 

You could use that or a similar book. You could use the book in the group or indirectly guide him to it and let him come to you if he wants to discuss.

 

Diverting his attention is another good approach, although temporary.

 

You could also find out if there is something he has at home that he can bring with him that helps him regulate. You can also put together a small fidget toy bag and add anything that he can squeeze when he feels this way.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Guest

[Lecka]

I am going to add to what I said before.

 

This is really concerning behavior. It is the kind of behavior where I think you would be bringing in a specialist for a consult. I don't think it is the kind of thing for you to try to handle on your own.

 

One reason is the trigger you mention (forgetting something) doesn't sound super dyslexia-specific. It didn't happen when you asked him to read a hard paragraph. It happened when he forgot something.

 

Unfortunately it is very possible this would happen outside of the reading tutor's classroom.

 

If the trigger seemed to really specifically be your class or your material -- then it would seem more like it was just a reading thing and more on just you to address.

 

When it seems to be happening across settings and not around things that seem like they would only come up at school, it is beyond what you should be trying to do on your own home.

 

There should be an overall plan and what happens in your class should be just a part of it.

 

At the workshop I went to, this shutting down (she called it withdrawl I think, but same thing) is considered the flip side of a behavior incident.

 

She said that the difference is that the kids with the behavior incidents are much more likely to get the help and support they need and are more likely to have a better outcome as adults, and she believes it is bc they are being taught coping mechanisms, and getting any treatment that is recommended.

 

With withdrawl kids are less likely to get this help and go into adulthood with THIS as their coping mechanism.

 

If it turns out that this is only a school problem, and he has and uses other (better) coping mechanisms when he is outside of school, then that is a better situation, but still probably a specialist needs to be the one to make suggestions.

 

Bc here is what is very possible. This isn't just a reading class, frustrated by reading kind of situation. This could be happening at home, at a part-time job, in social situations, etc.

 

If it does seem to be related only to the reading issue, then he may need greater accommodation across the entire school day. That is also out of your hands, that is something where your observations would be very important but you can't directly do it yourself. If he is just too frustrated all day long, then you can't change that all during your time with him. He is coming to you already very frustrated or stressed or anxious.

 

It is not the same as if a child is fine the rest of the day and then comes into reading and that is where it happens.

[Lecka]

I think it also matters if this is new behavior in this school year. Or, has it already been happening? If you find he has done this in past years and then it improves over the first month of school -- okay.

 

If this is totally new -- honestly it is a concern.

 

If this happened at a previous school, or it already went on all of last year, then it is already at a point where I think it is more like the school counselor or psychologist should be brought in, and maybe somebody has a difficult conversation with the parents.

[Kanin]

I see him first thing in the morning, and unfortunately the only other times I see him are recess and lunch, but I know from word of mouth that he does this pretty frequently. It's too soon to tell if it will be better this year than last, but it's not a new behavior. I think another trigger, in addition to forgetting something, is when things are too hard. Things haven't been too hard yet because it's just been one week. 

 

I think all the adults would be on board with a plan, if there was a plan. There's a very available counselor in the building who would also be on board. In some ways it's easier to deal with a kid who's actually having bad behavior like Lecka said... at least you can get in there and have something to work with. Head in the arms is like reasoning with a brick wall. He will talk about feelings later on which is good.

 

I'll look into getting that books you all mentioned :)

[Lecka]

Just for googling, if things are really too hard, they are really too hard. But if they are not really too hard (or don't seem like they would be too hard) that can be low frustration tolerance.

 

But on the other hand he could need more accommodations through the day if things are just too hard.

 

I think this is continuing from last year, it is already time for the counselor to get involved. Right now it is a new school year and he is starting better than he ended last year -- it is a good time!

 

Another point the speaker made is just how much instructional time kids can lose. Kids can lose hours and hours and hours of instructional time. It doesn't seem like it would be that much, any one time, but it can add up to a lot of lost time, and it makes it even harder to keep up in school, but they may be stressed out from feeling behind. So it is one of those bad cycles!

 

If any of her presentations are on YouTube she was a great speaker, I learned so much. It is not my son's profile really, but I still got a lot out of it.

[Guest]

I was just wondering, because I did not see any other diagnoses mentioned other than the LD, have the boy's parents been consulted? There could be any number of things the child may be dealing with, contributing to this reaction. Shuting down does not always mean there are other labels in the mix. If that possibility exists and the parents are not aware of it, then again the first place to start should be the parents.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Guest

[Terabith]

Lecka, what's the name of this speaker?

[Citrusheights5]

My 2 cents are that dyslexia increases the comorbidity of anxiety and depression. In my son Ben (1st and 2nds grade), it looked like hI'm crossing his arms and refusing to participate. We ended up with him on an antidepressants. It's made a world of difference. Just come thing to consider

[Lecka]

That is a good point! Hopefully the counselor has some insight!!

 

The speaker I saw was Brenda Smith Myles. She is pretty popular in my area for Aspergers and CAPS (comprehensive autism planning system). It is not what my son does but I went to see her and I liked her.

 

There is a section about CAPS and then about intervention strategies on autisminternetmodules.com. You have to sign up but then it is pretty good.

 

When I saw her I heard her keynote and challenging behaviors, and then she had two sessions on CAPS and something, and I went to hear a speech therapist's session instead.

[Kanin]

This kid (and others... I'm just thinking of one in particular) is from an immigrant family, and I don't think his parents will necessarily be able to get evaluations/services. I'm sure he's been evaluated by his public school district, but I doubt there'll be any more testing. :( 

 

I bought Sitting Like a Frog, and I hope I can use some of the exercises in there. It looks like a great book.

[Guest]

Mainer, another thing you can look into if the group of kids is always the same, is to perhaps create a support system within the group. If he feels understood and accepted from a group of peers, or even one child that he can connect with, it can go a long way in helping him cope.

 

I applaud you for what you are trying to do for this boy :-)