I had no idea it would be this bad

[Renaissance Mom]

WARNING: This is a rambling, sometimes whiny, but highly emotional vent

 

I just returned home from dropping off dd at college yesterday. Her school is nearly 7 hours away, so we won't see her again until Thanksgiving. I had expected to be sad and miss my first baby, but was completely unprepared for how raw my grief is.

 

I expected to miss seeing and talking with her any time I wanted to. I do. But I also am grieving an entire stage of life. Although we have two younger children at home yet (yay!), no longer will our whole family be under one roof. I feel torn in pieces.

 

What has surprised me even more is how I am almost jealous that she is having all these new experiences and I have to go home to continue cooking, doing laundry (dd had done our entire family's laundry for five years), dealing with bickering siblings, coping with drudgery in general. How selfish does that make me?!

 

Another surprise to me is the way others around me seem to expect me to be thrilled for dd (I am) but can't understand my grief. "She will do fine." I know she will. That's not the problem. "You knew all along that she would grow up and set out on her own one day." Yes, I did. That doesn't mean it is easy. "You've prepared her so well." I'm selfishly wishing that I hadn't so I'd still have my little girl at home with me....well, sort of.

 

The most significant pain I am experiencing right now is because this young woman who has shared her every thought and emotion with me for all these years, often to the point where I wanted to stick my head under a pillow, hasn't sent a single text. She and I have been very, very close...or at least I thought we were. I am gritting my teeth repeating my mantra of "I will not be a helicopter mom" over and over. Does she think I am like a light switch she can just turn off? (I know she doesn't. She is busy trying to settle in, make friends, fit in, deal with dozens and dozens of new sights, sounds, experiences...at least I assume she is!) I ache to hear what she is doing/thinking/feeling. After all, wasn't I the first person she had come to with all of those things for her entire life so far? It never occurred to me that the saying "Growing up is hard to do" would apply more to me, the parent, than to her, the one growing up!

 

It scares me that all this overwhelming emotion is only after one day! I'm sure it will get better. But I'm afraid it will get worse before it does get better. Having written this, I feel a bit better. I know there is empathy here. But I still ache with an intensity I never imagined possible.

[Corraleno]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Right there with you. Miss my girl, but I know it's right for her to take these steps. And I am jealous. So many things to study, so many clubs...

[katilac]

 

 

I just returned home from dropping off dd at college yesterday. Her school is nearly 7 hours away, so we won't see her again until Thanksgiving. I had expected to be sad and miss my first baby, but was completely unprepared for how raw my grief is.

 

 

 

Would it be possible to see her sooner?

 

That's a really long time for both of you for the first semester. My dd is the same distance, and it would be much harder on all of us if we didn't have a visit planned. 

[Job121]

I totally understand where you are now, at least I think. With the first DS going into senior year, I have to deal with all these paper works which can be overwhelming. On top of that, he is thinking about this college about 13 hours drive from home. Being an obedient child, if I insist he stays close home, he would, I know. But should I, especially when I know how much he likes that college, for the sake of keeping family close? Or is it my selfish desire?

 

He attended this conference couple weeks ago. All expense paid, travel arranged because he was the scholarship finalist. Of course I was proud of him and happy for him. After I dropped him off at the airport, I could not stop feeling so small and insignificant about myself while thinking about what to do when I get home. Fixing breakfast for the rest of family, laundry, and doing same school that I've been doing last 10 years, while DS is having a time of his life. Isn't it all twisted? I don't think it was a jealousy, but still I cannot put my finger on it..

 

All I am saying is, I hear you, girl and you are not the only one!

[regentrude]

Hugs. It is hard, and it gets better.

 

I wrote this

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/619862-so-ds-moves-to-campus-poem-for-parents-with-kids-leaving-for-college/

shortly before my DD started college.

 

:grouphug:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Last year, I drove 12 hours (one way) to see my son for parent's weekend. I couldn't wait until Thanksgiving to see him. 

 

I completely understand your emotions.

[Starr]

It is totally awful! I really hated people telling me all the, "she's going to be fine" stuff. It does get better and then it becomes almost normal. I would go see her once or twice if only for a few hours between now and Thanksgiving.

[Arctic Bunny]

Aw, hugs, you made me cry with you!!!!

 

((Hugs))

[Garga]

I was just thinking today that I dread the day you're living. You have written my exact fears. I can barely stand the thought of the day when it comes and was thinking to myself that I know how I am and I will feel shattered inside when he's gone. Raw grief for sure.

 

And I can't even allow my mind to consider what it will be like when they're both gone. It's too much to take in.

 

I'm not there yet, but I know it's coming. I'm so, so sorry that you're already there and hurting. I can't say I know how you feel, but I fear that I'll soon enough know how you feel.

 

Also: I have always loved my mother deeply. She was my very best friend growing up, yet when I left home to get married I stopped contacting her. I don't know why. I guess there were so many distractions and I was young enough and inexperienced enough to assume that people would always be around. I didn't know yet that they could leave. Even though I ignored her I loved her just as much as I ever had. Unfortunately, she didn't know that and along the way she thought I didn't love her or something and she moved out west. It was a bit personal, her leaving. Though the words weren't said, there was a feeling of, "Well, it's not like you'll care if I go." It's only been this past summer (22 years later) that I think she finally realized that I have always loved her and I think it's only been now that she realizes that leaving me was a mistake. So...don't assume your daughter doesn't still love you just as much as ever, but she may very well be distracted and doesn't understand that you can lose the ones you love. Just keep calling and texting her even if she doesn't respond, especially at first.

[Okra]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[*LC]

I'm sorry. I think in some ways new college parents back in the days before cellphones had it easier, because they knew they wouldn't talk to their kids for a while. When I went to school, one of the first things my parents and I did was set a time to talk each week.

 

Have you texted her? It is okay to contact her.

 

Give her a call this weekend and follow her lead on how long she wants to talk.  My oldest seems to call most when she needs advice, so the old adage no news is good news is definitely true for her.

 

 

[quark]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :crying: :crying: :crying:

 

To all of you who have been there done that, I salute you.

 

More :grouphug: .

[Shred Betty]

My DD7 is an only child. I know I will be in your shoes, I already know I will NOT take that transition with grace :( mostly I just don't think about it. So thank you for sharing your grief, and reminding me not to allow myself to get blindsided when my own time comes.

 

I don't remember contacting my parents much the first day or week of college. You feel like an alien, suddenly a different person, surrounded by other aliens in your dorm. I remember my dorm felt like a spaceship in space with no attachment to the real world outside, nothing to remind me of my home and family and reality. It's a big big big adjustment. You both will make it thru intact.

 

Resolving irrational resentment helps:

I remember sensing a lot of resentment from my mom as I left her sphere of control and struck out on my own. It seems only natural when you think about it. It was hard,

 

Im a stay at home mom. All of my lady peers are working moms and though it's definitely not the "same thing," I have felt pretty jealous and resentful of my peers enjoying their fulfilling careers. It Took me a long time to really flower as a SAHM because 1) I had big career dreams, 2) I had a low opinion of the value of Drudgery and Cooking and Laundry and 3) I'm highly competitive with DH and He was hitting it out of the park concerning career and salary.

 

It really helped when I finally thought one day that my "feminist" sensibilities were doing me a massive disservice by holding me back. Being a feminist in my own head meant thinking women were undervalued when they were doing drudgery, and should have been able to do things "of value" not just drudgery. See the inherent judging going on there?. In fact women doing drudgery is invaluable :)

My DH couldn't hit it out of the park if I wasn't doing the drudgery. So I think of myself as a CEO of the home. Temped to put CHO in my email sig lol. So many ladies say they wish they were SAHMs. So they are just as resentful of us.

 

For you, maybe your daughter couldn't have the skills and discipline needed to manage life positively in her present and future and even her possible future children's future if you weren't doing the day to day drudgery. It may feel like worthless work but you are INVESTING with every meal, and every drawer filled. She is going to be wishing she was home doing laundry again, she is probably already homesick and just wait till the ramen reality hits.

 

There is way more value in drudgery than any of us will ever see.

:hugs: and please update when "the pendulum" swings back lol.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Shred Betty

[Minerva]

:grouphug:

 

At the same time I am sending you hugs, I am thanking you for reminding me to savor every minute. 

[mom2att]

 

Also, as far as her not calling or texting....it's entirely possible that she's sitting in her dorm room wondering why you haven't texted her.  It's very likely that many of the emotions you are going through, she is as well.  Lots of college freshmen get homesick the minute mom and dad drive away. 

 

This, totally. Send that text, Mama. There's a good chance she's wondering why YOU haven't texted HER.

 

And send your love in tangible ways. They really like and look forward to little surprises from home! My dd is only an hour and a half away, but I sent a number of care packages her first year away. Her second year I figured she was settled in so I didn't, and she missed it. This year is her third year and I plan to do better.

 

My dd is the oldest as well, and another thing that caught me off guard was how much her brothers missed her. She was always gone a lot during her last couple of years of high school, but when she went to college and was not here, ever, it was a transition for them as well.

 

Hugs to you as you get used to one less plate at the dinner table. You may play a less active role in her life now, but she still needs you.

 

 

 

 

[Renaissance Mom]

Thank you, everyone! A couple of hours after I posted, dd texted a picture of the soccer game she was watching at dusk and "Lovely evening..."

 

Thank you for the virtual hugs! And thank you for letting me process the grief in writing....cathartic. :)

[creekland]

Glad she texted, but still  :grouphug: .  BTDT and completely understand.  Those feelings are awful.  For me, it did get better, though I still really miss the old days and miss them again each time they return to school (sigh) because we had such a close family and had many great times together.  They're eager to fly, but I hate moving on (another sigh).  I am very happy for them and love seeing the eagerness of their lives.  That just doesn't mean I can't miss the high points of our own family life.  I do - even while now enjoying the perks of empty nesting.  

 

It is a good idea to text her occasionally asking her how life is going.  She's likely missing some of the closeness too, so it's good to let her know it's not all gone.  When my first left we didn't set any guidelines for contact and I wish we had.  Both of us had misunderstandings.  With my other two we've told them we'd like to hear from them at least once per week if possible (understanding if they're super busy).  They can text, e-mail, call, or Skype.  That works out much better for all of us and we look forward to continuing to share our lives.  I'll admit the best thing is when they call almost immediately to share good news.  :thumbup1:   They need to know it's ok to do this, 'cause sometimes they think they're supposed to just stop and move on.  None of us who have been close really want that, but we're all learning about the "new normal."

 

Best wishes to you as you watch your baby bird fly.   :grouphug:

[Guest]

Text her. It's okay. Really.

 

Just send a text that says, "Thinking of you, hope you're having fun. Give me a call when you get a chance. Would love to hear how things are going!"

 

I require a daily text/call from my freshman for the first two weeks. After that, I request a weekly phone call. I guess I'm a helicopter mom. But I'm okay with that. (LOL)

 

Eta: Just saw your update. Glad the bridge is being built. :)

Edited August 27, 2016 by Kinsa

[G5052]

Yes, it's tough.

 

Mine is going locally, and I still cried the first few weeks last year. It seemed so odd to not have him around all day.

 

This year he's working and going to school, and I see him even less. DD and I were both blue this last week when he went back. We were catching up on her physics labs on Friday, and she asked if I could have her brother help her from now on with that because she misses him.

 

Next year they'll both be in college with the older one taking a commuter bus every day to a more distant school. That will be quite an adjustment for me!

[PinkTulip]

This post is so timely for me, because I am really feeling the same way. We moved my oldest into his dorm last Saturday, and even though he is only an hour away, it feels like another planet. I have only received one text, which told me he made it back safely from an off-campus leadership seminar that lasted a few days. I texted him back, asking how it was so far, how his other roommates are, to call or FaceTime if he had 5 minutes, and have yet to hear a response.

 

It feels so abrupt, as we had a very close relationship, and he opened up to me a lot about what was going on in his life. I know in my head that he is busy getting settled in, meeting new people, and participating in the freshman orientation activities, but my heart really aches to hear something, anything.

[Gwen in VA]

It's hard. The hurt diminishes over time, but the emptiness still hurts.

 

Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to pull yourself together. You didn't learn how to parent the first week you had your kid, and you won't learn how to be (mostly) childless the first week the kid disappears.

[TranquilMind]

I'm really sorry.  It is hard. 

 

She will get in touch soon, probably about the craziest thing.  I saw a meme that said something like, "Makes fun of parents for their inexperience with technology.  Googles how to boil an egg."

 

 

[MysteryJen]

it is hard. It takes a while for things to feel normal. Dd2 went to the summer session, but ds1 was home and we were so busy with swim team, the time went by quickly. But now, ds1 is gone (which we are sort of used to now) and the house feels really empty. That is weird to say with 3 kids still at home, but still. Dh stalks the team instagram to get glimpses of her training (she looks happy and having fun). 

She won't be home until Christmas and then only for 9 days. So we have to find a new normal. I have started texting silly jokes either late at night or first thing in the morning, so she sees them before practice or breakfast. A text smiley is usually all I get, but it is a little bit of contact in her extremely busy and tiring days.

Ds1 is not good about keeping in touch, so we are slightly more aggressive with getting a response. Texting questions like: Do you want us to sell your drum kit?

What books can I give away? usually elicits a quick response.

It is hard,worrying, and frequentlly maddening to parent young adults. I am trying to pace myself or I will be in a looney bin by the time ds3 goes to college.

 

Many hugs. It is harder than anyone every told me.

[Lori D.]

:grouphug:  Renaissance Mom   :grouphug:

[Mom22ns]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I was right there with you last year. I felt like a piece of my soul had been ripped away when ds left. I cried a lot for at least a week. I was happy for him and I wanted him to be where he was, but that didn't make me miss him less.

 

The only thing I did differently was text! I did try to keep it to a minimum at first, but gradually we got to where we texted daily, sometimes several times/day. This year when both my kids left, I was afraid I wouldn't hear from dd. She is actually texting/snapchatting more than ds. She doesn't have a roommate and I think that has given her more alone time where she feels comfortable texting with me. 

 

There were no tears for me this year, so I can say you will adjust. But find a way to maintain your relationship. Don't think she doesn't want you. Don't press, but assume if you were close before she will still want to hear from you now.

 

Oh, and go visit if possible. Thanksgiving is too long!

[goldberry]

I'm with ya.... I have the same kind of DD, who shares every thought and feeling.  We have been together pretty much 24/7 for the past 7 years.  She has not left home this year (senior) but it is her first year dual enrollment, no homeschooling.  She has a car, a great set of friends, a wonderful boyfriend.   She is .... gone!  So much!

 

I feel like I lost my best friend.  And yes, jealous.  I put my own college plans on hold to homeschool her. And now, here she is, doing all the cool stuff.  

 

She is doing awesome... I am so proud... and so sad.

 

:grouphug:

[BlsdMama]

WARNING: This is a rambling, sometimes whiny, but highly emotional vent

 

I just returned home from dropping off dd at college yesterday. Her school is nearly 7 hours away, so we won't see her again until Thanksgiving. I had expected to be sad and miss my first baby, but was completely unprepared for how raw my grief is.

 

I expected to miss seeing and talking with her any time I wanted to. I do. But I also am grieving an entire stage of life. Although we have two younger children at home yet (yay!), no longer will our whole family be under one roof. I feel torn in pieces.

 

What has surprised me even more is how I am almost jealous that she is having all these new experiences and I have to go home to continue cooking, doing laundry (dd had done our entire family's laundry for five years), dealing with bickering siblings, coping with drudgery in general. How selfish does that make me?!

 

Another surprise to me is the way others around me seem to expect me to be thrilled for dd (I am) but can't understand my grief. "She will do fine." I know she will. That's not the problem. "You knew all along that she would grow up and set out on her own one day." Yes, I did. That doesn't mean it is easy. "You've prepared her so well." I'm selfishly wishing that I hadn't so I'd still have my little girl at home with me....well, sort of.

 

The most significant pain I am experiencing right now is because this young woman who has shared her every thought and emotion with me for all these years, often to the point where I wanted to stick my head under a pillow, hasn't sent a single text. She and I have been very, very close...or at least I thought we were. I am gritting my teeth repeating my mantra of "I will not be a helicopter mom" over and over. Does she think I am like a light switch she can just turn off? (I know she doesn't. She is busy trying to settle in, make friends, fit in, deal with dozens and dozens of new sights, sounds, experiences...at least I assume she is!) I ache to hear what she is doing/thinking/feeling. After all, wasn't I the first person she had come to with all of those things for her entire life so far? It never occurred to me that the saying "Growing up is hard to do" would apply more to me, the parent, than to her, the one growing up!

 

It scares me that all this overwhelming emotion is only after one day! I'm sure it will get better. But I'm afraid it will get worse before it does get better. Having written this, I feel a bit better. I know there is empathy here. But I still ache with an intensity I never imagined possible.

 

 

I get it.  All of it.

 

 

And it's going to be a rough few months (or year) as you adjust.  ((Hugs)))