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What would you tell someone who found a text on spouse's phone. . .


Miss Peregrine
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I don't find neighbor staying at the hotel strange. DH and I get a hotel across the street when we go to ComicCon even though it's only about 30 minutes from where we live. It's easier to not have to drive home after an exhausting day at the convention and then we're close for early morning panels. 

 

I would suspect she's telling husband when she'll be there so he can "stop by" at some point except how would she get away? If she has to be there for work, how is she supposed to just disappear to her room for a while? It seems he would need more specific times that she knows she could break away herself. Unless it's a huge conference and she wouldn't be missed. 

 

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It's not a work thing or a watch my house thing, you know, and she knows. She is probably just not ready to deal so is pulling the "silly me" card. Or maybe she likes drama because I wouldn't invite someone to brainstorm on my husband's texts unless you know, I wanted them to brainstorm on it.

Edited by madteaparty
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I still think it's suspicious, and it sounds like the dates and time-frame she could sneak away to meet him in a room- times given so he can text her when he does show up, in that time frame.  Yeah, it is dumb for him to do this, since he can be recognized...but he's not thinking with his brain organ.

 

I'm sad for the friend, she wants so badly to be at fault and for nothing to be going on.  I think she needs a p.i. so she can get objective proof or proof that it is innocent.

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I have been following along without commenting so far, but here goes.

 

I am imagining a scenario such as this: dh and neighbor gal have a flirtation going on. While outside watching kids, neighbor gal mentions having a conference or whatever at a hotel at x location. Dh says, "Oh, I work right near there! Maybe we could have lunch." Neighbor gal says, "I'd like that. I'll text you the dates and place. I could get away for a couple hours."

 

Either that or they are having a full blown affair. The above is as innocent as I can make sense of the texts in the limited context we have.

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I don't find neighbor staying at the hotel strange. DH and I get a hotel across the street when we go to ComicCon even though it's only about 30 minutes from where we live. It's easier to not have to drive home after an exhausting day at the convention and then we're close for early morning panels. 

 

I would suspect she's telling husband when she'll be there so he can "stop by" at some point except how would she get away? If she has to be there for work, how is she supposed to just disappear to her room for a while? It seems he would need more specific times that she knows she could break away herself. Unless it's a huge conference and she wouldn't be missed. 

 

She wouldn't be alone in a conference booth.  She could leave for a bit to go to the bathroom and get a coffee.  No one would notice if she took a little longer than normal.  Also, it is the norm to wander around and look at what everyone else has.  She could step away to do that.  

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Not at all! I'm posting while trying to make dinner and wrangle kids, so the misunderstanding was probably on my end.

 

I just feel bad for the OP's friend. I've had those suspicions. In my case I was wrong. I was very happy to be wrong. I was also very glad that I knew the truth, for sure. Has I NOT been wrong, I would have been relieved to have objective evidence, whether it matter in court or not, and it would have been useful to know about his actions without tipping my hand by confronting him too early; it would have given me time to get my financial ducks in a row and be in a solid place to file for divorce (and favourable custody arrangements). If he had been cheating and I confronted him right away, he might have filed first and from a position of power. That's a long-term, worst-case scenario view, but it happens to many women and it does no harm to be thorough, objective, and prepared. As it was, for our marriage, the fact that I suspected something and was proven wrong became a catalyst for finding a LOT of deep-rooted problems in our relationship, actively recognizing and addressing those issues, and working through them together. While he wasn't having an affair, there were valid reasons for my mistrust that needed to be addressed, and valid reasons for him to be unhappy in our marriage. It was tough for both of us, but working through those problems was worth it.

 

Sorry if that's a hijack, OP. I just identify a little TOO strongly with this one. It might be wise for me to back away since I see so much of myself in this. My advice to your friends: get objective answers. Brace yourself for the truth, whatever it may be. Be deliberate and methodical in what you do with the information you are given, whether is be counselling, divorce, self-help, etc. Don't let either your emotions or your husband provoke you to unwise actions. Sleep on it before making any life-changing decisions.

I think I missed this yesterday. Wise words. Thank you.

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It sounds like the text to the husband is an open invitation for a hook-up. Neighbors help one another but specific times for pet sitting aren't usually necessary unless medication is involved. The text answer "sweet" sounds like an agreement to something. Most husbands would share info with their spouse when helping out neighbors or attending a conference. If the husband is planning to cheat, he'll lie if confronted before the cheating occurs. If the wife is still unsettled, hiring a private investigator would be the easiest thing to ease her mind. Good luck, best wishes to your friend.

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Wife got a text from textneighbor last night asking if she could take care if the dogs. Whole family is going to hotel. She took it as an opportunity to ask the spouse if he got asked to watch their dogs. He denied getting any texts. When pressed, he said they had talked about them going away to Palm Springs and he might stop by and say hi since he works down there. When pressed further whether or not he got any text from her he said he would look. "No, none here. "

 

Wife knows that he was not answering the question. He deleted it, of course there wasn't one. During the course of the conversation he used the telling, "I have no idea."

 

So, the spouse of textneighbor and her child are there, too. It seems legit, but wife is not satisfied with the evasive nature of the answers. Or saying he deleted all of his texts that day when the wife had been checking and they had not been.

 

Whether anything was going on with neighbor seems secondary to the pattern of lying. :/

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Wife got a text from textneighbor last night asking if she could take care if the dogs. Whole family is going to hotel. She took it as an opportunity to ask the spouse if he got asked to watch their dogs. He denied getting any texts. When pressed, he said they had talked about them going away to Palm Springs and he might stop by and say hi since he works down there. When pressed further whether or not he got any text from her he said he would look. "No, none here. "

 

Wife knows that he was not answering the question. He deleted it, of course there wasn't one. During the course of the conversation he used the telling, "I have no idea."

 

So, the spouse of textneighbor and her child are there, too. It seems legit, but wife is not satisfied with the evasive nature of the answers. Or saying he deleted all of his texts that day when the wife had been checking and they had not been.

 

Whether anything was going on with neighbor seems secondary to the pattern of lying. :/

 

We are here for your friend.  

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Because I feel like being a conspiracy theorist right now (in relation to the husband's lying re: texts)....

 

Maybe neighbor family is going there for a vacation/break & maybe staying at a different hotel than was mentioned in text. Neighbor lady will then attend a "conference" or some such excuse at mentioned hotel, but in reality meet w/ the husband who was texted.

 

Could be a good cover story, especially if the wife who is being lied to thinks the entire neighbor family will be in the area.

 

Kwim?

 

Anyway, hugs to your friend. Being in a situation with a lying, gaslighting husband is terrible.

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Between this & bolt's fb drama thread, I'm realizing I live a very, very boring life.

 

Remember that Chinese curse - "May you live in interesting times".

 

Yeah, boring is beautiful. I'm boring too and have to remind myself how very thankful I am for it!

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Yes. And bossneighbor and her whole family.

 

It's just so bizarre. If it was just a text to let the DH know so he could watch the dogs then why lie about it?  And if it wasn't about the dogs what on earth is he covering up?  Whatever is going on, it doesn't sound like their marriage is very healthy.

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If something is going on, I don't think it is particularly public, even if other known people will be at the hotel.  An easy - "oh, just chatting with our neighbor" and it is cleared.  It's not like people hang out watching other people go to their hotel rooms.

 

FWIW, the textingneighbor says that the whole family is going to be there, but that is not a known thing.  IF this is something fishy, textingneighbor is just as invested in having this be covered up as lyinghusband.

 

Just to bring it back to the beginning - the initial text, its response, and subsequent lies point to it being more than a family overnight at the hotel in conjunction with a business meeting.  

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Can she check his cell phone records?   I can't see the actual content of texts but I can see the date, time, and phone number of each incoming and outgoing text easily.  She should do the same.  (Unless he's on a separate account; my husband's phone is paid for by his work so I don't see that bill and wouldn't be able to access it.)

 

For all I know there is a way to go deeper and see the content too - would be worth checking out.

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My guess is that textneighbor and friend's spouse are friendly--getting friendlier--and are well on their way to a full-blown affair. I don't know that anything physical would happen at this conference (too many people they both know around and whatnot). They're probably in that adrenaline-pumping early phase of flirting--testing the waters, pushing a little further, etc.

 

I would absolutely be hiring a PI and/or checking out some of the PP's options for phone trackers and chat logs. That she's been made to feel crazy says that she needs cold, hard, indisputable FACTS.  

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Does this family use iPhones?  Because ours have apps called "find my friends" so we can roughly see where the others our at any time.  Sometimes there is a slight delay of up to 20 minutes.  I would make sure it's turned on & watch the phone like a hawk.  We turned it on to keep track of each other driving for long trips, but it has been helpful on many occasions.  It also helps to discover lying teens.

 

Having said that, if he's lying about an innocent text regarding pet sitting or a work conference, there is a reason.  Especially if often accusing the wife of cheating.  :crying:

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Or they're swinging or trying a threesome. We found out work acquaintances of ours are into that when they tried to pick up one of DH's assistants who works as a bartender on weekends. That was an awkward deposition. (Threesome wife was opposing counsel.)

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Or they're swinging or trying a threesome. We found out work acquaintances of ours are into that when they tried to pick up one of DH's assistants who works as a bartender on weekends. That was an awkward deposition. (Threesome wife was opposing counsel.)

I wouldn't think that neighbor couple would take their kids along for a threesome. I think neighbor husband deciding to turn it into a family vacation at the last minute is more likely.

 

Sent from my HTCD200LVW using Tapatalk

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