What would you tell someone who found a text on spouse's phone. . .

[Seasider]

The wife is suspicious because the husband has a pattern of accusing her of being unfaithful, which is in itself cheater behavior.

I was going to ask you if she had other reason to be suspicious.

 

I would definitely not let on that I saw the text.

 

If she finds out he is cheating, what will she do? Just confront him, or would she call that a deal breaker and file for divorce? Because to me it would depend on how much documentation she might need and based on that, decide whether to investigate on her own or actually hire a pi.

[Rosie_0801]

A little more info. The wife has noticed the neighbor being, "playful" with the husband. You know, like punching him in the arm. The text "went there" for her because their interactions have given her pause.

 

How does neighbour behave towards husband and wife's children?

[zoobie]

The wife is suspicious because the husband has a pattern of accusing her of being unfaithful, which is in itself cheater behavior.

Patterns of emotionally abusive behavior are never a good sign. :(

[IfIOnly]

I hate to say it, but if it was my friend, I would gently point out that if she wants proof, this may be her opportunity to get it and not to let it pass without giving it careful consideration that she may not get this wide open opportunity again. I would offer to help pay for a PI if I could and she wanted.

[IfIOnly]

Patterns of emotionally abusive behavior are never a good sign. :(

Exactly. And that's why it's important to encourage their bravery and even baby steps toward finding the truth, because they're not only struggling with denial but with breaking free from the control.

Edited August 15, 2016 by ifIonlyhadabrain

[8circles]

The wife is suspicious because the husband has a pattern of accusing her of being unfaithful, which is in itself cheater behavior.

 

And this is the problem.  Even if he isn't cheating.

[Miss Peregrine]

How does neighbour behave towards husband and wife's children?

She only really interacts with one who is roughly the same age as her child. Not playful.

[katilac]

I wouldn't tell them anything. I have a firm "don't get involved with the crazy" policy. 

[myfunnybunch]

I would suggest she carefully consider what she'll do if there is an affair going on before choosing how to deal with the info in the text. If it's what she suspects, dealing with the shock *and* the subsequent decisions might be too much. I wouldn't typically offer that much that directly, except that the text sounds like a hook-up AND....

there's already been behavior that gives her pause.

that particular text has disappeared.

the hubby has accused her of infidelity.

I think she needs to prepare and protect herself because if it quacks like a duck.....it just might be a duck.

 

Then I'd offer her hugs and support, non-judgmental listening.

[bettyandbob]

A PI sounds like a worthwhile investment. I'd tell her not to confront until she has good records of all finances--not because she must leave, but because such a confrontation can result in her marriage quickly dissolving whether she wants that or not.

[Guest]

So much of what I would do would depend on my overal beliefs about my marriage/spouse. If it fit with other inexplicable incidents, I would investigate. If it were just one unusual incident, I would see how it unfolds. I would never tip my hand unless I hand multiple questionable incidents.

[Guest]

The wife is suspicious because the husband has a pattern of accusing her of being unfaithful, which is in itself cheater behavior.

So, I just saw this and yes, that's a warning flag.

[Lanny]

If someone does not trust their spouse and is checking their cell phone for calls and message history, that tells me that their marriage is in very deep trouble. Whether or not there is infidelity, there is a lack of trust. At the least, I think they are candidates for marriage counseling. Possibly candidates for divorce.

[Guest]

If someone does not trust their spouse and is checking their cell phone for calls and message history, that tells me that their marriage is in very deep trouble. Whether or not there is infidelity, there is a lack of trust. At the least, I think they are candidates for marriage counseling. Possibly candidates for divorce.

While I agree, when dh is home, about 90% of the time his texts are checked by me. He deals with his phone all day for work and ignores it at home. If he gets a text or call he asks whoever is near it who it is. All three of my kids and dh have a fingerprint unlock on mine, and often one of them checks mine for me. Obviously we don't have anything to hide, and have no issues with having access to each other's phones...but her seeing his phone doesn't mean she was snooping to see it.

[SKL]

I would ask innocently.

 

It could be innocent.

 

For example, maybe it is an exhibition he might be interested in ....

[marbel]

If someone does not trust their spouse and is checking their cell phone for calls and message history, that tells me that their marriage is in very deep trouble. Whether or not there is infidelity, there is a lack of trust. At the least, I think they are candidates for marriage counseling. Possibly candidates for divorce.

 

So I think this is a good point.

 

OP, do the spouses have "open phones" - meaning, is it typical for them to check each others' phones?  Or was she snooping because she is suspicious? 

 

It does make a difference. 

[Lanny]

I've read many of the posts in this thread now and picked up on the "Family Tracker" apps.  I told my wife that I should install one on my phone, so she knows where I am.  She said she can do that with Waze, so I just reinstalled Waze on my phone and will get her to configure it for me, after Breakfast, so she can know where I am.  As I told her, Saturday, I went to see the accountant who prepares my Colombian Tax return (a nightmare, compared to my U.S. tax return).  If we had tracking, she would know when I left that office, and where I was, when I was on my way home. 

[ktgrok]

The wife is suspicious because the husband has a pattern of accusing her of being unfaithful, which is in itself cheater behavior.

 

ah, yeah. My ex cheated on me, before we were married. And while he was doing it he was constantly accusing me of cheating, which I wasn't. 

[Miss Peregrine]

I would ask innocently.

 

It could be innocent.

 

For example, maybe it is an exhibition he might be interested in ....

Yes. The "sweet" answer fits with that. "Hey, I'll send you the info for the car show in Palm Springs."

[momto10blessings]

Yes. The "sweet" answer fits with that. "Hey, I'll send you the info for the car show in Palm Springs."

And then he may have realized that it looks bad that neighbor lady sent him hotel details, so he deleted it. I could totally see that.

Looking at the phone records could clear that up.

[DawnM]

Yes. Text has been deleted but not any others from this week.

He may be deleting individual messages that might be found by the wife, so she may not know what else has been deleted.

 

Do these two usually communicate?

[GinaPagnato]

If it were me, I would say to DH, "Hey, I noticed that neighbor lady sent you a text with the date and time for something. Is there an event going on?"

 

Then I would just watch and wait to see what he does/says.

[jeremmy]

I have no reason not to trust my spouse, so I would ask him about it. I suppose if she wasn't happy with the answer she could then be more aware of how he acts around her, maybe decide to show up and see if something weird is happening. I wouldn't jump straight to cheating if I wasn't already suspicious from something else though.

[Miss Peregrine]

He may be deleting individual messages that might be found by the wife, so she may not know what else has been deleted.

 

Do these two usually communicate?

They're neighbors and sometimes the wife husband and neighbor will stand outside and talk while kids play.

 

Those messages were the only two so it would have been a "hey, I'll send you the info" type situation. The wife didn't hear them talking about anything so it must have been when they were alone. The wife isn't always outside with them and the kids.

[JadeOrchidSong]

Please let us know what she decides to do and if everything is fine. I hope it is something benign. If not, she'll need to choose how to react to it.

[8circles]

Please let us know what she decides to do and if everything is fine. I hope it is something benign. If not, she'll need to choose how to react to it.

 

Even if this situation is benign, there's still a pretty significant marital problem here.

 

It's interesting to me how it's as if the absence of cheating in this instance is like "Phew!  It's all good".  As if that's the only issue.  As long as there's no actualy cheating, it's A-OK.

 

You've got a wife highly suspicious of her DH and a DH who is frequently accusing his wife.  This is already extremely unhealthy, cheating or not.

[Miss Peregrine]

Even if this situation is benign, there's still a pretty significant marital problem here.

 

It's interesting to me how it's as if the absence of cheating in this instance is like "Phew! It's all good". As if that's the only issue. As long as there's no actualy cheating, it's A-OK.

 

You've got a wife highly suspicious of her DH and a DH who is frequently accusing his wife. This is already extremely unhealthy, cheating or not.

She knows.

[8circles]

She knows.

 

The wife?  Yes, I'm sure she does.  I'm talking about the discussion here.  Like the comment I quoted - is he cheating or is it "fine"?  It isn't "fine" just because he isn't cheating.

[Miss Peregrine]

The wife? Yes, I'm sure she does. I'm talking about the discussion here. Like the comment I quoted - is he cheating or is it "fine"? It isn't "fine" just because he isn't cheating.

Gotcha.

[JadeOrchidSong]

Even if this situation is benign, there's still a pretty significant marital problem here.

 

It's interesting to me how it's as if the absence of cheating in this instance is like "Phew! It's all good". As if that's the only issue. As long as there's no actualy

cheating, it's A-OK.

 

You've got a wife highly suspicious of her DH and a DH who is frequently accusing his wife. This is already extremely unhealthy, cheating or not.

I agree. I think it's time for marriage counseling if they don't want their marriage go down the same direction that it is heading.

[QueenCat]

If it were me, I would say to DH, "Hey, I noticed that neighbor lady sent you a text with the date and time for something. Is there an event going on?"

 

Then I would just watch and wait to see what he does/says.

 

Add to that "Is there an event going on that we need to get a babysitter for? I need time to plan those kind of things."

[SproutMamaK]

Yes. The "sweet" answer fits with that. "Hey, I'll send you the info for the car show in Palm Springs."

The hotel details don't fit, though. If someone else were sending info on a conference or something, why would they list a specific hotel along with hours (especially hours that don't normally coincide with check-in/out hours)?

 

If it IS something like that, I suspect the wife would now soon anyway. I mean, if my husband were planning to go to a conference/show, etc, he would tell me. If he hasn't mentioned anything yet with those dates, SOMETHING is being hidden.

[shawthorne44]

I suspect that the two day range is when neighbor will be attending a conference in or near the hotel.  Her message was telling him the time frame when she'd have a room for a two-day conference Aug 17 -18.   if neighbor's company has a booth at the conference, that will be done the late afternoon beforehand.  So, 6pm start time is reasonable.   4 pm is a reasonable end time for a business conference, and having delayed checkout for conference attendees is normal.   So, if he was able to slip out anywhere in that time frame, she could meet him in the room.  

 

I'd be going to a spy store and seeing what I could buy quickly.  I don't know that going to the hotel would do any good.  Assuming they are cheating, she'll have told him the room#.  After the first time, he'll have a key and could go in the back entrance.  

[Miss Peregrine]

Well, the plan right now is for the wife to wait out Tuesday and Wednesday and observe. See if anything happens, like "I won't be home for dinner, going out with co-worker."(This does happen, infrequently.)

 

Thursday is out because the dh has firm plans for the evening.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Miss Peregrine

[Miss Peregrine]

Confirmation bias is a big concern of the wife.

[Jen500]

There's always the possibility that the man will leave work to go to the hotel (during normal work hours), and the wife wouldn't know.

[SproutMamaK]

Well, the plan right now is for the wife to wait out Tuesday and Wednesday and observe. See if anything happens, like "I won't be home for dinner, going out with co-worker."(This does happen, infrequently.)

 

Thursday is out because the dh has firm plans for the evening.

Is there any way for her to observe lunch and work hours? If the hotel is close to work, a lunch break meet-up, or taking off early, etc, might also be something that would be a possibility.

[Miss Peregrine]

Is there any way for her to observe lunch and work hours? If the hotel is close to work, a lunch break meet-up, or taking off early, etc, might also be something that would be a possibility.

No.

[zoobie]

If the family shares an iTunes account, Find My iPhone is an unobtrusive way to see where the person's phone is. 

[Anne in CA]

The wife is suspicious because the husband has a pattern of accusing her of being unfaithful, which is in itself cheater behavior.

EVERY cheater accuses the spouse at some point. That's how they roll.

[Matryoshka]

The hotel details don't fit, though. If someone else were sending info on a conference or something, why would they list a specific hotel along with hours (especially hours that don't normally coincide with check-in/out hours)?

 

If it is cheating, I don't think that's a date range, but two separate meeting times at the same hotel.  The hotel is near his work and 4pm and 6pm are times late enough that he would find it easy to leave work without it seeming too odd there and early enough that he'd be home in time not to rouse suspicion from wife (just working late).  In that case the times make perfect sense.

[Eagle]

Maybe she should casually invite the neighbours over for appies tomorrow. Then she could see what their excuse was for not coming (maybe a conference, out of town, etc.).

[Guest]

If he is cheating, unless she catches them nekkid, he'll have some kind of excuse. She needs a professional to help her get solid evidence.

[hjffkj]

If there is already reason to think he's cheating, which accusing the other spouse of cheating is a sign, I'd hire someone to be at the hotel if I couldn't be. I wouldn't be able to just wait to see if he changes plans last minute because he could easily sneak out during work to meet up.

[Miss Peregrine]

If there is already reason to think he's cheating, which accusing the other spouse of cheating is a sign, I'd hire someone to be at the hotel if I couldn't be. I wouldn't be able to just wait to see if he changes plans last minute because he could easily sneak out during work to meet up.

Yes. The wife plans on asking him in person after that time period, whether or not anything weird happens.

[aggieamy]

I once got a text from a coworker that I didn't know very well that said, "Drinks on Thursday?  No spouses!"  I laughed and told my DH because it was obvious the guy had sent it to the wrong person.  (I THINK he did anyway ... I also have a closet suspicion that he might have been feeling out my interest but I have no proof of that and it was nothing but a random thought that crossed through my head so I assumed an innocent motive but talk up my DH around him.)  I responded to the text with "LOL.  This is Amy McCartney.  Wrong number."  I could see how if my DH read the original message that it would be something he'd have a raised eyebrow about though. 

 

That said ....

 

Based on the OTHER evidence I would have a PI hired. 

[QueenCat]

Yes. The wife plans on asking him in person after that time period, whether or not anything weird happens.

 

And she thinks he'll answer her honestly, if he is in fact cheating?

[Miss Peregrine]

Interesting. Wife's dd istaking care of another neighbor's pets. This other neighbor is textneighbor's boss. The dates: 16-18th.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Miss Peregrine

[Miss Peregrine]

And she thinks he'll answer her honestly, if he is in fact cheating?

In person means body language and no time to think of a lie.

[Miss Peregrine]

Dp

Edited August 15, 2016 by Miss Peregrine