Neighbor situation...Update post 51

[ktgrok]

So, as background, we have a few neighbors we are friendly with. We have barbecues together every few months, hang out outside and watch the kids play, etc. My husband and I are of a more liberal persuasion when it comes to politics, so we just all kind of agree to disagree and don't talk about it. Fine. Good in fact. Now, one couple has kids that are around my littles age, and the wife is so sweet. We love to chat while the kids play. And their kids are nice, polite kids. The husband...well he's rude to his wife in front of everyone on a regular basis, very demeaning, and she's not very happy. She has confided to several of us she's seeking counseling, considering her options. Ok, I'm not getting involved, not giving advice, other than yes, counseling is a really good idea. Anyway, yeah, he bugs me but he's not my husband so whatever. I don't have to agree with how he talks to his wife, as long as he doesn't do it to me. 

 

Well, the other day I was tired, like pregnancy tired, and sitting down to drink a cup of coffee when their kids knocked on the door. Fine, my kids could use some play time. So I took them out to play, said hi to the babysitter, then helped the babysitter chase their dogs that got out. I posted on Facebook about how I should never plan to relax with a cup of coffee because something always happens. Now yes, I said that the neighbor kids knocked and I got interrupted from it. But I then commented on my own post saying that my kids got worn out, so it was well worth it after all, and now I could REALLY relax since my kids were tired from playing with friends. And mentioned how cute their kids are. And something about "love your neighbor love your dog" and how turn about is fair play, because they've helped me when my dogs got out before. I even said how sweet the babysitter was. The wife and I talked back and forth in the comments part, and it was fine. 

 

Well, apparently this post totally angered my neighbor, the husband. He posted something the other day rambling about not entertaining if you don't like it, and betraying his family. I had no idea he was talking about me. Until last night. He's been posting a lot about politics, which I do too. After realizing we are NOT going to have a valid conversation about this, I unfollowed him yesterday (me posting a list of mysoginistic comments got a laughing reply from him, that kind of thing). I decided the less I know the better, to stay neighbors. Well, then he started tagging me so I still saw them, and he specifically asked my opinion. I gave it, being VERY careful to be civil and polite. At NO point did I say anything about him, only the candidate in question, and did NOT name call or anything. I don't think that kind of thing is fair. anyway, he started personally attacking me, telling me I'm what's wrong with America, and when I said Dude, let's not get personal, he said I had already made it personal by attacking him and his family. Which is when I found out he thought the previous post was an attack on him. AT this point his wife messaged me to tell me he was drunk. I still stayed civil, and I apologized for the post, explaining again that like I said in the first post, his kids were adorable, and I didn't mind helping with the dogs, and I certainly didn't mean to attack or offend. I offered to delete the post. He just kept attacking, and even his aunt, who was now following and arguing politics, was nice and said something about politics is one thing, but it would be a shame for the kids to lose a friend over whatever else is happening. 

 

WEll, now it's morning. What on earth do I do? I'm going to see him. I know he was drunk. I also am really stressed out by this. 

Edited July 31, 2016 by ktgrok

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:  Maybe.....hopefully, he will apologize?  That is the best that I can see happening.  I hope it goes ok and he backs off.

Edited July 29, 2016 by Mama Geek

[kewb]

Since I don't like conflict I would ignore it. There is no discussing anything with someone like that.

At the same time I would probably limit contact with the family. I certainly would not be going out of my way to see them. Kids playing outside, fine. See them at a get together be polite. Nothing more. No engaging with the husband on facebook. If he tags you ignore it.

[Guest]

Water on a duck's back. Just let it roll off. Ignore him. Say hello if need be, but otherwise keep a distance.

Edited July 29, 2016 by Kinsa

[bettyandbob]

I'd ignore anything he post on fb. If I could tell he was on at the same time I was, I'd probably log off so he could not expect me to engage. I'd put his posts on "hide" so I didn't have to see him. 

 

I guess I'd want to unfriend and block him, but since he's a neighbor that would probably lead to more drama. So, stick with the not engage online. Then when you see him in the neighborhood and he brings up some of the stuff he was trying to get your to respond to ask him about bean dip. 

[Ethel Mertz]

I'd ignore anything he post on fb. If I could tell he was on at the same time I was, I'd probably log off so he could not expect me to engage. I'd put his posts on "hide" so I didn't have to see him. 

 

I guess I'd want to unfriend and block him, but since he's a neighbor that would probably lead to more drama. So, stick with the not engage online. Then when you see him in the neighborhood and he brings up some of the stuff he was trying to get your to respond to ask him about bean dip. 

 

You can also put him on "restricted." He won't see anything you post unless you post it on the "public" setting.

[SKL]

Delete your post and let it go.  He was drunk - I could tell before you even wrote that.  :)

 

What I say to people who don't agree with my politics but insist on hearing my opinion:  "We'll have to agree to disagree on that."

 

TBH it does not surprise me that he was sensitive about the slightly annoyed post about you being interrupted by his kids.  Some people would be.  I'm glad the mom etc. took it in good humor.  But sometimes less is more.  :)  Worrying about who I'll unintentionally offend is why I hardly post anything on fb and I delete many things soon after I post them.

Edited July 29, 2016 by SKL

[ktgrok]

I'd ignore anything he post on fb. If I could tell he was on at the same time I was, I'd probably log off so he could not expect me to engage. I'd put his posts on "hide" so I didn't have to see him. 

 

I guess I'd want to unfriend and block him, but since he's a neighbor that would probably lead to more drama. So, stick with the not engage online. Then when you see him in the neighborhood and he brings up some of the stuff he was trying to get your to respond to ask him about bean dip. 

 

Yeah, i think that's my plan. I actually unfollowed/hid his post before this all blew up, because I could see it going that way. But when someone you unfollow tags you you still see it :(

 

Obviously, I'll just ignore those as well. I think at this point I'll respond only to an apology, nothing else. But seriously, the guy lives across the street and two houses down. We see each other going in and out of the house all the time. Heck, I saw him last night, right before this all happened. So weird. And I feel terrible about his wife being caught in the middle. 

 

Whatever. Going to try to move on, and try to find a copy of the Hypnobabies "bubble of peace" track, because I think I need it. This week has had so much freaking drama it's not funny. Car accident, ex husband in the critical care unit with kidney failure and pancreatitis, a slow speech chase with me following a wife beater while on the phone with 911 relaying our position, a clogged pipe that my husband was up until midnight last night clearing, and now this. I'm a ball of nerves, which I know isn't good for baby. Oh, and writing deadline. 

[ktgrok]

You can also put him on "restricted." He won't see anything you post unless you post it on the "public" setting.

 

thank you! I had no idea that was a thing! I just did that. That makes me feel way better. 

[ktgrok]

Delete your post and let it go.  He was drunk - I could tell before you even wrote that.  :)

 

What I say to people who don't agree with my politics but insist on hearing my opinion:  "We'll have to agree to disagree on that."

 

TBH it does not surprise me that he was sensitive about the slightly annoyed post about you being interrupted by his kids.  Some people would be.  I'm glad the mom etc. took it in good humor.  But sometimes less is more.  :)  Worrying about who I'll unintentionally offend is why I hardly post anything on fb and I delete many things soon after I post them.

 

 

Yeah, annoyed with me, fine. Although I did clarify in the post that it was worth it, said how darned cute the kids were, etc. But he wasn't annoyed, he said I attacked him and his family and betrayed him. Like...I'm now his mortal enemy! Even after I apologized!

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[zoobie]

I think there's a way to prevent people from tagging you as well. What a psycho!

[Bambam]

btw, Just because someone tags me on FB, doesn't mean I have to reply. I don't unless I *want* to say something. Just like my phone, you can call me, but I don't have to answer it.

 

I'd just ignore him. If he does apologize, graciously accept it. 

 

[SKL]

Yeah, annoyed with me, fine. Although I did clarify in the post that it was worth it, said how darned cute the kids were, etc. But he wasn't annoyed, he said I attacked him and his family and betrayed him. Like...I'm now his mortal enemy! Even after I apologized!

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Remember, he was drunk.  He was not going to make sense.  Your words were not going to make sense to him.  It's not your fault.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I wouldn't expect logic and good reading comprehension from someone who is drunk. I think that you got good fb advice. I would probably avoid him in person if possible and just interact with the wife and kids.

 

 

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[magnificent_baby]

I would have nothing to do with them. Including not having the kids over. He sounds very unstable. 

[Annie G]

From your description, he's a jerk even when he's sober. Adding alcohol isn't going to improve that.  Politics is often hard to discuss civilly and especially right now.   Add in the difficulty trying to convey thoughts on social media and it's a nightmare. 

 

He's not likely to apologize for his behavior so at least you probably don't have to worry about that being an uncomfortable conversation. 

 

I'd unfriend him on Facebook. Life is too short to put up with that kind of person. Sure, he'll be mad, but he'll get over it. 

[trulycrabby]

:grouphug: What a mess. I'm sorry.

Edited July 29, 2016 by trulycrabby

[elegantlion]

I would not bring it up, he was drunk, he may not even remember. 

[TechWife]

I would ignore it unless he brings it up. If he brings it up, pass the bean dip. There is nothing good that can come out of engaging him at this point. In the future, I recommend that you don't respond to him. Just because he tags you, it doesn't mean you have to play his game, KWIM? 

 

 

[vonfirmath]

I would ignore it unless he brings it up. If he brings it up, pass the bean dip. There is nothing good that can come out of engaging him at this point. In the future, I recommend that you don't respond to him. Just because he tags you, it doesn't mean you have to play his game, KWIM? 

 

Also you can remove a tag. https://www.facebook.com/help/140906109319589

[wintermom]

I'd post less and read less on fb. 

[OneStepAtATime]

1. Ignore him unless he brings it up.

2. Never post anything good, bad or indifferent regarding his family, especially on any social media where they are identifiable.

3.  Be cautious allowing your kids to go play at his house.

4.  Don't respond to anything he may say on any social media.

5.  Keep in mind that ANYTHING even remotely sounding negative being posted on social media about someone else can be taken out of context and blown way out of proportion, especially with a guy like that but with other people, too.  Some people are very sensitive.  It wouldn't matter whether the sort of negative post was followed up with lots of nice things.  They will remember the sort of negative post and be hurt or angry or insecure, etc.

[Anne in CA]

Yeah, annoyed with me, fine. Although I did clarify in the post that it was worth it, said how darned cute the kids were, etc. But he wasn't annoyed, he said I attacked him and his family and betrayed him. Like...I'm now his mortal enemy! Even after I apologized!

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That's because he's controlling. He is trying to control you. You may not be able to ignore him. But his kids and wife don't deserve to be cut out of neighborhood life and that may be where he's going also. He may want you not talking to them. Because the more his wife and kids have no friends the more he controls them. I've known dozens of these guys. They never get better. That's why his wife isn't just leaving now. He's going to REALLY make her life hell when she does.

[momacacia]

I would steer clear of him and his family in every way possible. Unstable, as someone above mentioned. And the wife is evidently used to making excuses for him, which is another bad sign. :/

[Paige]

You already didn't like him, already knew he was rude, so, IMO, nothing has changed. He has confirmed that he may be more of a jerk than you thought, but yay for people showing their colors and not being ambiguous! I think it's much harder when someone is inconsistent and you get bad vibes but aren't sure. 

 

You should do nothing as it's completely not your problem and you did nothing wrong. I wouldn't treat his wife or children any differently or cut them off, and I'd continue to be civil to the DH if I had to be around him. I would most likely not allow my kids unsupervised visits at his house, however. With any luck, his wife will go to counseling and maybe get him into counseling and he will either deal with his issues and get nicer or they will split up and he won't be around the neighborhood as much.

[Plink]

Unfollow, hide, and restrict all sound like a good FB plan, but honestly, the drunk guy next door deserves to get blocked.  I don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

[Alexigail]

The only change I would make in my routine would be to stop allowing my kids to play at his house.  Honestly, this is a big reason I'm no longer on facebook.  For whatever reason, he's made you a target and he wants to upset you.  I would really consider just ignoring him until he finds someone new to bother.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  

[ktgrok]

You know, I hadn't even realized he was trying to control me, and the situation, until you said that. It's true. I was thinking i hated to ruin the neighborhood dynamics, but whatever, it's not worth it. I'll just avoid him. The kids never play IN his house, just in the cul de sac together, and always with my supervision. But if it's just Dad out there with the kids we won't go out. I'll only go out if the wife is there. 

 

Of course, he's now going to be spreading gossip with the other neighbors, most of whom are like him politically, and some of whom are into drama and gossip. Sigh. It's too bad. 

[Ravin]

I would have nothing to do with them. Including not having the kids over. He sounds very unstable. 

 

I cannot fathom punishing kids for their dad being an @ss.

[ktgrok]

As I examine my feelings more, I'm honestly just a bit afraid. I don't think he'd hurt me or anything, but he has a temper. When cars have sped too fast down our street he has gotten belligerent, yelling, acting very aggressive. I'm just going to avoid him. I don't think he likes strong women in general, and I'm not the type to back down, so best to avoid him totally. 

[NorthwestMom]

Follow your gut, Katie.

[Bluegoat]

I'd go out of my way to avoid him, but I would also try and avoid making things harder for his wife, or cutting her off. 

[SKL]

He sounds paranoid, possibly related to the booze, possibly not.

 

He read your email as being irritated with his kids, even though you tried to soften it up.  He must be one of those people who think, "why did she say that?  What is she really thinking about us?  What else is she saying behind our backs?"  You know some people are just like that.  Sometimes I'm even like that when I'm already insecure about something.

 

Don't copy him and start getting yourself all paranoid about what he may or may not say or do, which of your neighbors will then turn against you, etc.  In all likelihood he isn't going to say anything, and if he does, his neighbors will take it for what it is.  Just go about your business.  You clarified and apologized.  That is enough.

[Katy]

Fear is a gift to protect you, and you can't reason with an abusive alcoholic.  I'd block him on facebook immediately, avoid him, and tell your kids you're doing so because he's been a bit rude to you, and if they ever feel uncomfortable around him to run home and tell you immediately.  If he EVER acts aggressive, call the police immediately.   If you are comfortable with the idea and/or your female neighbor asks, tell his wife what's going on.

 

Drunks are drunks, and aren't likely to hurt neighbors, but you're dealing with a conservative in a stand your ground state.  It's safe to assume he has guns.  He's probably just a narcissistic drunk, but it's possible it's worse than that.  Especially given verbally abusing you and his wife.

 

Given the situation, honestly I'd also tell DH, and he, being who he is, would go confront the neighbor and tell him to stay the hell away from me. Abusive a**hats are generally only abusive to women, and are afraid of other men. YMMV with your own DH.

 

If she wants help, suggest Al-Anon.  Don't get personally involved other than listening once or twice.

[ktgrok]

He sounds paranoid, possibly related to the booze, possibly not.

 

He read your email as being irritated with his kids, even though you tried to soften it up.  He must be one of those people who think, "why did she say that?  What is she really thinking about us?  What else is she saying behind our backs?"  You know some people are just like that.  Sometimes I'm even like that when I'm already insecure about something.

 

Don't copy him and start getting yourself all paranoid about what he may or may not say or do, which of your neighbors will then turn against you, etc.  In all likelihood he isn't going to say anything, and if he does, his neighbors will take it for what it is.  Just go about your business.  You clarified and apologized.  That is enough.

 

yeah. I mean, in the post I'd mentioned it was the babysitter, and he was also pissed about that. Because it implied his wife needed to work for th money, but it seems she just works so they get Disney passes. Whatever dude. I had zero thought about how your wife works, or why. Never crossed my mind. I certainly wasn't implying you aren't man enough to take care of your family or whatever weirdness you were getting from that. 

[ktgrok]

Fear is a gift to protect you, and you can't reason with an abusive alcoholic.  I'd block him on facebook immediately, avoid him, and tell your kids you're doing so because he's been a bit rude to you, and if they ever feel uncomfortable around him to run home and tell you immediately.  If he EVER acts aggressive, call the police immediately.   If you are comfortable with the idea and/or your female neighbor asks, tell his wife what's going on.

 

Drunks are drunks, and aren't likely to hurt neighbors, but you're dealing with a conservative in a stand your ground state.  It's safe to assume he has guns.  He's probably just a narcissistic drunk, but it's possible it's worse than that.  Especially given verbally abusing you and his wife.

 

Given the situation, honestly I'd also tell DH, and he, being who he is, would go confront the neighbor and tell him to stay the hell away from me. Abusive a**hats are generally only abusive to women, and are afraid of other men. YMMV with your own DH.

 

If she wants help, suggest Al-Anon.  Don't get personally involved other than listening once or twice.

 

 I know for a fact he has guns. And I hadn't realized he was an alcoholic, but I'm starting to. She mentioned something about him being a drinker, but I thought she meant, like, at all. But I've never seen him without a beer in the afternoons/evenings sitting outside. I didn't think much of it, but now I am. 

[Katy]

 I know for a fact he has guns. And I hadn't realized he was an alcoholic, but I'm starting to. She mentioned something about him being a drinker, but I thought she meant, like, at all. But I've never seen him without a beer in the afternoons/evenings sitting outside. I didn't think much of it, but now I am. 

 

Yeah, I know the type.  He's definitely an alcoholic. Probably nothing to worry about for you, but if you feel fear, stay away.  Seriously.  We had some neighbors like that as a kid and in the midst of a midnight bender one of them got so angry he shot & killed a family member.  I'll never forget the look on my dad's face when he came home from that call. I'm not telling you this to give you anxiety, just to reinforce that you should trust your instincts and avoid him.  Usually alcoholics only hurt themselves and their families, but that's not always the case.

[ktgrok]

Yeah, I know the type.  He's definitely an alcoholic. Probably nothing to worry about for you, but if you feel fear, stay away.  Seriously.  We had some neighbors like that as a kid and in the midst of a midnight bender one of them got so angry he shot & killed a family member.  I'll never forget the look on my dad's face when he came home from that call. I'm not telling you this to give you anxiety, just to reinforce that you should trust your instincts and avoid him.  Usually alcoholics only hurt themselves and their families, but that's not always the case.

 

Thanks. Yeah...I think I have the type pegged, now that I've put it all together. Honestly, this type usually avoids me, since I don't fit the victim profile, so maybe it will be that easy. 

 

I'm going to give it 24 hours to see if he's going to apologize once sober (he's already unfollowed, I won't see anything unless he tags me and unless it's an apology I'll ignore it) and then I'll unfriend him tomorrow, if no apology. I'll keep him blocked no matter what though. 

[Seasider]

Unfollow, hide, and restrict all sound like a good FB plan, but honestly, the drunk guy next door deserves to get blocked. I don't have time for that kind of nonsense.

This is what I would do. FB is my conflict-free zone, because I manage it to be so.

[Seasider]

yeah. I mean, in the post I'd mentioned it was the babysitter, and he was also pissed about that. Because it implied his wife needed to work for th money, but it seems she just works so they get Disney passes. Whatever dude. I had zero thought about how your wife works, or why. Never crossed my mind. I certainly wasn't implying you aren't man enough to take care of your family or whatever weirdness you were getting from that.

Control freak. Who drinks. And acts aggressively.

 

Avoid him. But remain open to his wife, she might need real help one day.

[ktgrok]

So, I did something y'all probably won't agree with, lol. But I realized he'd bumped up, purposely or not, his post on his own Facebook from back when the initial incident happened. At the time I had no idea it was about me,or I would have apologized then and there. Anyway, it's now near the top of his page, and moreover, he's friends with all our neighbors, who probably DO know it is about me. So I went ahead and commented on it, apologizing, sincerely. I DO feel badly for the way it came across, and if nothing else might save my reputation in the neighborhood a bit, since now all the neighbors, who I am not on Facebook with, will see my apology.

[PrincessMommy]

So, I did something y'all probably won't agree with, lol. But I realized he'd bumped up, purposely or not, his post on his own Facebook from back when the initial incident happened. At the time I had no idea it was about me,or I would have apologized then and there. Anyway, it's now near the top of his page, and moreover, he's friends with all our neighbors, who probably DO know it is about me. So I went ahead and commented on it, apologizing, sincerely. I DO feel badly for the way it came across, and if nothing else might save my reputation in the neighborhood a bit, since now all the neighbors, who I am not on Facebook with, will see my apology.

 

What an awful situation.  I'm sorry.  I'm really careful about what I say about other people on FB because you never know when it will be misunderstood.  :grouphug:  Then you add a drunk ass-hat into the mix and you can't really be responsible for how it de-evolves. 

 

I've gotten flack or this in the past but your experience is confirmation that I made the right decision (for me) to severely limit friending local friends on FB.  There's things I'd rather not know about people.

 

Edited July 29, 2016 by PrincessMommy

[ktgrok]

What an awful situation.  I'm sorry.  I'm really careful about what I say about other people on FB because you never know when it will be misunderstood.  :grouphug:  Then you add a drunk ass-hat into the mix and you can't really be responsible for how it de-evolves. 

 

I've gotten flack or this in the past but your experience is confirmation that I made the right decision (for me) to severely limit friending local friends on FB.  There's things I'd rather not know about people.

 

 

Yeah, I try to keep it to my "tribe" of like minded people. But the wife friended me, and that was fine. I adore her. Then her husband did, and I did't know how to NOT accept it without causing drama. Sigh. Obviously accepting did the same thing. 

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[Forget-Me-Not]

I'd just add them to the list of people who can't see your posts. I think if you set it that way once (there's a drop box under your name when you post from the mobile app) it stays that way until you change it. You can also restrict either of them from posting on your page and set it so you have to approve anything you're tagged in before it goes up on your page.

[ktgrok]

Well, deleted the drunken ranting from last night. The post from days ago where he ranted about how awful I was (without me realizing it was about me) is still up, that's the one I posted an apology comment for. 

 

Hopefully he realized he was an ass and that's why he deleted the other. I guess that's something. 

[Alicia64]

He sounds like a frightening bully. I don't think you did anything wrong. The more you can go "under the radar," the better.

 

Alley

[PrincessMommy]

Yeah, I try to keep it to my "tribe" of like minded people. But the wife friended me, and that was fine. I adore her. Then her husband did, and I did't know how to NOT accept it without causing drama. Sigh. Obviously accepting did the same thing. 

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I tend to be pretty brutal.  I guess I'm just not a very nice person :)    I've friended one spouse and not the other.   I did get some drama for it, but that just confirmed that i made the right decision.   I'm careful about how often I "like" or "respond" to his wife's posts so I don't encourage more drama. 

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

You can't reason with a drunk.

[Reefgazer]

I actually wouldn't do anything else. maintain friendship with the wife, and do not respond to his comments anymore on Facebook or anywhere else unless they were of the benign "how's the weather variety".

[Tanaqui]

Print the FB exchanges out in case he escalates. See if you can find the one he deleted in your cache or something.

 

Then go low-contact with him - don't reply to him on facebook, put him under restricted, don't exchange more than simple greetings if you see him. If you find yourself in a situation where you must engage with him (say, if there's a neighborhood barbecue and he shows up, and leaving would create more drama) then strive to be as boring as possible and get out of there as soon as you can.

 

Do not waste any more time or mental energy on him than necessary.