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Argumentative & easily-offended child


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Howdy. I've a nearly 7year old girl who's recently (6 mths) become quite argumentative & SUPER easily offended. She's always been sensitive & we try to respect this by disciplining in a soft way. However, a 'new' way she's started to communicate is by turning my statements into arguments &/or offenses. For example, today while eating outdoors a fly started hovering near her food & she said, 'So you don't care about keeping my food fly-free?'. She also looks for ways to turn my words on me ('If you don't like X & I did X last week, then you don't like me?'). I am told I'm mean quite a bit as well.

 

I wonder if this is a 'stage' (as so many things seem to be), a potential issue, or a result of our 'soft' discipline approach. She's healthy in all other ways--just a creative, bright, shy, & sensitive cutie. She seems to only show this argumentative side with us, her parents (but especially me, mom). I sometimes ask myself if this is an indication of her budding analytical thinking or what. At other times I get really irked because it hampers the flow of a decent interaction.

 

Usually, I ignore & try not to take the bait. I will continue with the conversation or just walk away. We talk a bit about how being abrasive can make others feel & what reactions it'll create. I also try to point out her positive attributes & behaviors. I'm concerned this argumentative stance will become a permanent trait. Am I over-worried? Should I just 'wait it out' & continue with my responses? Any other ways to handle this?

Edited by Earthmerlin
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Both my girls went through something similar at around the age of 7, so I think it's partly the age.

 

I never just ignored the behavior. I always addressed it in a very calm, logical way, "Do you think that's a nice way to speak to me? How would you feel if someone said x to you? How would you feel if someone spoke to you in that tone of voice, etc." Sometimes I would simply say, "Are you asking for something?" or "Please say that in a nice voice." If it was really bad, I would send them away to their room with the direction, "Please stay in your room until you're ready to speak nicely." One girl would pop back out of her room immediately, because she hated being separated from the family. The other one would linger in her room for an hour or two; I think she really was needing more time alone to get a handle on her own emotions and feelings of frustration.

 

Both of them grew out of it by 8-9 yrs old. The logic stayed, but the attitude faded away. I think it was helpful, though, that we were always very proactive in correcting them when they got harsh or ugly. Wanting to argue something out logically is always fine, but insults, yelling, and generally ugliness are not.

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Both my girls went through something similar at around the age of 7, so I think it's partly the age.

 

I never just ignored the behavior. I always addressed it in a very calm, logical way, "Do you think that's a nice way to speak to me? How would you feel if someone said x to you? How would you feel if someone spoke to you in that tone of voice, etc." Sometimes I would simply say, "Are you asking for something?" or "Please say that in a nice voice." If it was really bad, I would send them away to their room with the direction, "Please stay in your room until you're ready to speak nicely." One girl would pop back out of her room immediately, because she hated being separated from the family. The other one would linger in her room for an hour or two; I think she really was needing more time alone to get a handle on her own emotions and feelings of frustration.

 

Both of them grew out of it by 8-9 yrs old. The logic stayed, but the attitude faded away. I think it was helpful, though, that we were always very proactive in correcting them when they got harsh or ugly. Wanting to argue something out logically is always fine, but insults, yelling, and generally ugliness are not.

 

Thanks for the input. After reading your post, I realize I also do what you did with your girls. It's tough for me at times because it seems to come out of nowhere & also, I just want to enjoy her company (she's been a pleasure to be around). I ignore at times because I sense she's looking for a 'back & forth' but that's just not possible without me, the 'forth', now is it? She either moves on, gets the point, or asks why I'm ignoring her (to which I respond, 'I prefer to talk pleasantly', etc.).

 

It sounds as though this just may be a natural progression through childhood, which gives me relief. We will continue to discipline the surly behavior but love the beautiful child.

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My DD started something very similar around 7-8 as well, and just recently (just turned 9) seems to be coming out of it. I don't remember going through a phase like that as a child, but it's possible I did and just don't remember or see it as such. I have tried to not argue or turn the attitude back on her. Most of the time, I send her to her room to be alone until she can put away the attitude and act like the sweet girl I know she is. Some days, that method worked well enough, others, though, she was stubborn and we had to end with a form of discipline. 

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It sounds like you are already doing a great job with her. In addition to what you have already stated, we also sometimes ask our dd11 if she really meant what she said.  "Do you really mean to imply that it is my job to keep every insect in the world away from you?"  "Are you telling me that you are not capable of shooing a fly away from your food (because if that is the case, then we have bigger problems than the flies)?"  

 

We might also just rephrase what she said into what she should have said.  "What you mean is, 'I really hate flies. I guess I will have to either shoo them away or go inside."

 

We have also (very occasionally due to her sensitivity) told her outright that what she said was abrasive, argumentative and disrespectful and asked to her please rephrase it.  She never can on the spot, so we may send her to her room until she can think of a kinder way to say it.  But that is a once-per-year sort of thing for us.  

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I agree with PP about trying to rephrase things and to get her to think about how to say things politely. If that doesn't work, or she keeps badgering, I have no trouble telling mine to knock it off right now, go to room, etc. I think the main thing to avoid is entering into any discussion about the merits of their statement. They were rude, they must stop speaking that way, that's it. Hopefully child will allow you end the conversation nicely without argument.

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Yeah, I think it's a phase, but I think if left unchecked it could develop into bad habits.  My oldest DD acted a lot like this around 7, and I'm noticing my 6.5yo is starting to be really sensitive and will burst into tears that just a month ago wouldn't phase her.

 

Depending on attitude and tone; I will correct, ignore, or make light.  The comment about the fly may garner this response from me.  "Why no I don't care.  Remember our discussion about needing to eat protein?  Well I figured the flies give you that extra boost.  Enjoy!"  Granted the whole family is on the slightly sarcastic side so it would probably elicit laughs or groans.  

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Oh, it's definitely a stage they go through. And they go through it again around adolescence, too.

 

For me, I find the best thing to do is to ignore it, or else do a sort of "pass the bean dip" on my own kids. If I respond to this sort of thing, I'm going to escalate it, and next thing you know it's WW3 around here. It's not worth it. If they don't get any particular response from this, they'll eventually grow out of it. The most strong response I'll make is a quiet "You know that's not polite. I don't want to hear your excuse, and I'm not interested in an apology, but if it happens again you'll have to leave the table" if I'm on my period or something.

 

But, you know, I can have a bit of a temper if I let it out, so I try super hard to keep cool no matter what. Other approaches are also valid.

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With mine, I did the rephrasing for them at that age. But my kids were probably less ... verbal? ... not sure. Either that or just tell them to stop it, like Mother Goose said. Depended on whether I thought they were doing it in an aggressive way, or just opened their mouths before the brain was in gear.

 

Even if it's "budding analytical thinking", she seems to need some constructive things to 'argue' about - along the lines of logic curriculum maybe? Something she can 'play' with, verbally, in a more constructive way. And you could even 'play' back with her. IOW, I wouldn't always just shut it down automatically. I'd try my best to 'use' it in her education. Socratic dialogue maybe?? Can't remember.

 

And your dh might enjoy this, too. My dh loved that kind of thing. Much more than I ever did. And he was good at it, too. Maybe make it something your dd and your dh do apart from the rest of the family, to give yourself a break.

Hmm, I never even thought of pulling in some 'sanctioned' arguments & logic topics. That just might help. Thanks!

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My 7 year old is like this and yes it is exhausting. There's a book called Your Seven Year Old, and reading it has really helped put her behavior in perspective. Yes, it is a phase and it will pass.

I'm familiar with this series of books & used to read them earlier in her chilhood so I'd know what to anticipate. I haven't read one in quite a while so it just may be time to brush up on my child development knowledge. Good idea!

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  • 1 year later...

Hmm, I never even thought of pulling in some 'sanctioned' arguments & logic topics. That just might help. Thanks!

I'm resurrecting this thred simply because I'd like more informatin on how to quench & develop an 8 year old's obvious passion with argument & logical thinking. Sites, books, games, & activities are all welcome. We already own 'Philosophy for Kids' & 'Bad Arguments' (both of which I need to re-examine). However, I'm looking for natural & constructive yet age-appropriate ways to cultivate this growing rational drive in my 8 year old. Thanks!

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They go through stages. Don't allow it, be sure to ask her how she'd feel if someone talked to her that way. Give consequences for downright rudeness!!! Either a time out, writing so many times etc.

 

And role play the proper behavior.

Oh, I know & thanks. I should have started a new thread asking for just logic & argument development resources. That's what I'm after now.

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Could you have her try to argue the point about something nonemotional to either of you? Can't think of any examples, but an eight year old version of debate club with mom?

Thanks for the debate idea. 'Philosophy for Kids" has some good question starters & I can start there. I will also Google 'debate topics for kids' & think about how to guide such discussions at home.

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