If social stuff is difficult for your GT kid...

[Runningmom80]

How do you help them?  What if they don't seem to want friends? 

<snip>

I might delete, so please don't quote.  I just need to know we aren't alone.  I'm having one of those "I've failed my child" moments. :leaving:

 

 

Edited July 30, 2017 by someonestolemyname

[regentrude]

If they don't seem to miss friends? They may be just... fine.

You say "social stuff is difficult", but from your description it sounded as if he just did not care for group interactions - that is completely different.

 

My DS is very introverted. Which has nothing to do with his giftedness. He never wanted to be involved in any group activities. Once I pulled him out of school, he was happy to go to homeschool park day maybe twice a month;  the following week, he'd tell me "I already had children last week, I don't need to go this week". An occasional play date with a single friend was tolerated.

I was concerned, but DH, an introvert himself, assured me he was fine and to let him be.

So we let him be. 

 

At age 13 he, for the first time ever, joined a group activity, TKD classes (I had insisted on *one* activity of some kind when he quit his -individual - riding lessons.) He fell in love. Through martial arts, his social circle widened, he found friends who shared an interest. At 17, he has a great circle of friends, they hang out almost daily. He gets along well in groups with people of all ages, has a girl friend and a job that involves interacting with people.

He still needs enough time by himself to recharge from interactions. Just like his dad.

 

So, in my experience: if your DS is happy with little interaction, leave him be.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 25, 2016 by regentrude

[Arcadia]

My boys aren't interested in friends, just like to chat with random humans. Hubby and I have a few close friends each and we don't mind. We enjoy human company but we aren't proactive on "acquiring" friends.

 

My DS11 is going for a music composition class that is open to a big age range, zero interest in hip hop or DJ. He is not looking for friends there.

 

My former classmates in the gifted program gets each other's thinking. We are each other's support group but we are not all friends in the close buddies sense.

[Runningmom80]

deleted

 

Edited July 30, 2017 by Runningmom80

[Kassia]

I worry about my daughter with this issue, too.  She seems to have no interest at all in interacting with other kids her age (she's 13).  She is an introvert, but is fine with people - she takes gymnastics, volunteers at the library, takes Spanish at the CC (lots of interaction in that class), and was in jazz band.  She's very bright and just doesn't seem to care about the things kids her own age care about - boys, make-up, social media, etc.  Her closest friend is very similar so they rarely communicate with each other and seem perfectly happy that way.  Like your son, she doesn't have any interest in seeing people socially.  

 

One of her older brothers is the same way, but I suspect he has Asperger's so it's a little different.  He's almost 22 now and, for the first time, he has been saying that he doesn't have any friends and he seems lonely.

 

 

 

 

[Dmmetler]

PG retreat is more flexible than DYS, and offers social networking and opportunities as well, so that may also be a place to look.

[Runningmom80]

PG retreat is more flexible than DYS, and offers social networking and opportunities as well, so that may also be a place to look.

 

I've looked into PG retreat, but I don't know that he meets their criteria either.  I'll have to look again, although I don't think he's quite PG.  He's in that no man's land of above MG but below PG. 

[JennW in SoCal]

I'm with Regentrude.  If your ds is happy then leave him be.  

 

During their teen years, starting from 13 or so, both my kids really thrived doing activities with adults. It wasn't the same as having a close buddy, but intellectually it was the right fit. My kids tended to talk like adults and easily joined in adult conversations -- something their age-mates didn't do til halfway through college!  And adults are very tolerant and forgiving of quirks, quite the opposite of most tweens and teens.  

 

One of my kids really preferred his own company, and would get so annoyed at parks and playgrounds when other kids wanted to join in on the fun he was having.  He would be having a blast, acting out an epic fight with space aliens until some kid would want to join in and just spoil everything!!  He found a wonderful group of friends in college, a really special group -- it warmed my heart so to see them together.

 

So, follow his lead. If he is happy, let him be. 

 

 

[quark]

Sometime around your son's age, DS asked me to stop taking him to certain park days and play dates. I had thought he was lonely and wanted to create all these opportunities for him but in the end he didn't enjoy himself as much as I thought he would. There were a couple of places where he did enjoy himself so we just kept those going when we could.

 

Fast forward a couple years now...he is MOST himself around older people. He doesn't have to change or pretend to be someone else or just keep quiet and listen while the other kid(s) talk about their interests (because -- not their fault -- no one understands his). He can be who he is and not just the listener but also the sharer and the do-er. Any social awkwardness disappears because he is in his element.

 

People have asked if this means he will continue to reject same age peers. Well, I don't see why not. All of my own friends, bar one or two, are at least 5 years older than I am! Same with DH.

 

It's the shared experiences and interests that make friendships, not necessarily the same age.

Edited June 26, 2016 by quark

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I've to-ed and fro-ed on this a lot with my 10yr old.

 

She has NO interest in going anywhere with children. She feels so different and just can't understand their behaviour. 'Why do they just squeal and run around?' 'Why do they leave such a mess?' 'Why are they so irresponsible?'

When it comes to same-age peers, she definitely has the martian analogy going on. I can't remember who posted it or in which thread, but it really resonated for my daughter.

 

She doesn't feel left out or lonely. She just isn't at all interested. She genuinely prefers to hang out with her older sisters (aged 19 and 22) and with other adults. She likes adult conversation and participates enthusiastically. She'd rather talk about Brexit than Beiber, you know?

 

I delved a bit into this here: http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/585981-your-thoughts-and-experiences-please/

 

I'm doing my best to respect and nurture her true nature, while also giving her hope that there are other martians out there also looking for their peeps.

[ebunny]

You aren't alone and I wouldn't worry.  :001_smile:  'Peers' is not necessarily equal to chronological aged peers. In fact, I think most kids, gifted or not, have trouble with same age peers. 

I do encourage my DD to seek friendship from all sorts of people at all kinds of ages. fwiw, personally I have friends who are 10 yrs younger than I am; as well as 30 yrs older. Age is no bar.  :D

 

 

ETA: This article talks about 'generation gap' friendships- having friends in a generation older/younger than oneself. Although the article talks about women, it can be extrapolated to boys/men too, I think...

Edited June 26, 2016 by ebunny

[kiwik]

I have met adults recently who think friends should be the same age. At 30 your friends should be 28 to 32 apparently. To me it just seems odd once you have got past certain developmental things and even then developmental stage isn't the same as age.

[Runningmom80]

deleted

Edited July 30, 2017 by Runningmom80

[Luckymama]

I worried about dd when she was younger. We began homeschooling in fifth grade, and she dropped all school-related friendships within a year. She had friendly acquaintances at extracurriculars but no one she really wanted to hang out with. She was pretty impatient with "typical" behaviors. As she's gotten older, she has become more comfortable with expressing her needs and finding like-minded people through extracurriculars of her own choosing.

 

My now-16yo dd is an extrovertish introvert. She loves spending time with friends once or twice a week at Model UN and then is perfectly content to be at home the rest of the time. (She does go to the university for an hour class 4x a week.) She is dropping a long-time extracurricular this coming year because she's fed up with the immaturity of the majority of participants around her age.

 

She is spending this summer 1000 miles from home intensively studying a language with students 18-21 years old. She is having a blast! They are trying to convince her to attend their uni in a year so that she will be able to join their cohort in classes and the study abroad periods. Because dd is still underage, she has to live in a dorm with highschool students who are taking other classes through a summer college program. With the exception of her roommate and two other girls, dd is having a difficult time with the other students. . She understands that this may be their first time away from home and that they are testing boundaries, but she cannot stand their immature behaviors (her words, not mine).

 

Two steps forward, one step back :lol:

[Runningmom80]

Well, I can't help but admit I take solace in the fact that we aren't alone. I'll try not to stress too much.

[wapiti]

I wouldn't worry.  All of my kids have been that way, especially at that age.  I would keep an eye out toward group situations down the road where he might find sympathetic friends, with the understanding that he still might not "find his people" until college or even grad school, and even then, a few good friends may be preferable to many.

 

[dharmacat]

In same boat. Following.

[regentrude]

I wouldn't worry.  All of my kids have been that way, especially at that age.  I would keep an eye out toward group situations down the road where he might find sympathetic friends, with the understanding that he still might not "find his people" until college or even grad school, and even then, a few good friends may be preferable to many.

 

Yes, this.

My extremely extroverted, interaction craving, DD only ever had a single friend her age, fro a few years as a young teen. She found friends when she was taking DE classes at the university; her closest friends when she was 16 were college seniors. 

She did not find her tribe of similar-age people until she went to college.

Edited June 26, 2016 by regentrude

[wapiti]

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Edited September 15, 2016 by wapiti