MrsWeasley Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 My daughter has had a friend for many years. A few years ago, her parents divorced and are on awful terms. I am friends with both, though more so with the one who stayed home with the kids until the divorce. The former stay at home parent is not doing well financially or emotionally. Her daughter has a lot of special needs, both physically and mental health wise. The former stay at home parent admits to missing a lot of the child's appointments, blaming transportation and financial issues. (I give rides when I can, but I'm not in a place to help financially.) I know the child's siblings miss school frequently due to the parent not being able to handle the child's special needs and bring the kids to school. Both parents complain about the other neglecting the daughter's medical care while the other has custody. The child is obviously not doing well, but due to the extensive medical needs of the child, I have no ability to assess whether it's due to lack of care or the nature of this child's special needs. I worry about the child, though. I kept thinking with the excessive attendance issues that the school will get involved in helping this family, but at this point, the kids only have a few more days left of school. Without the stability and oversight of the school, I worry about how the children will fare. Last year, they were in summer care all summer, but this year the former stay at home parent is on medical leave. At this point, how do I help my daughter's friend? Or is this a mind my own business situation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoJosMom Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 You mention that the child has numerous appointments; presumably those appointments are with medical professionals. If the situation rises to the level of medical neglect, those professionals are mandatory reporters (and are also best able to judge whether the situation meets that particular area's standard.) Personally, I'd leave the decision about whether this is medical neglect alone and just be a friend. :grouphug: Sometimes life just stinks. 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 The stay-at-home parent sounds depressed. Having a special needs child is all kinds of challenging on top of it. I would urge friend to get treatment and if things continue and you think the child is being neglected, you would have to report it. I don't think we can tell from what you've written whether this would constitute neglect or not. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor_dad Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Regardless of whether it is neglect, she just sounds overwhelmed. I would try to get her hooked up with the support organization for her daughters special need. It sounds like she could benefit from state financial help which may be available through medicaid. Also, state supported respite care could help with the emotional issues. Talking to the school social worker might enable the school to provide busing or transport help. What is available is going to vary from community to community but helping her find those resources would be my first step. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 ...The former stay at home parent admits to missing a lot of the child's appointments, blaming transportation and financial issues. (I give rides when I can, but I'm not in a place to help financially.)... I'm being picky probably but I notice the words 'admits' and 'blaming'. Maybe instead think of it as "since the divorce she's been struggling and can't get to medical appointments." She has a concrete need: someone to help her get to medical appointments...probably a mix of encouragement and rides and/or setting up other volunteer drivers. The word "blaming" sets up the idea that she could do it alone if she really tried and that muddies the water. She needs help getting to appointments. Once there I would trust the doctors to report if necessary. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 When I helped someone in this way I told them my best timeframe for appointments so that I'd be available to drive. My friend also asked the desk for an additional appointment reminder card for me. I put it on my calendar and always checked in with my friend the day before. I think you can approach your friend with "you mentioned that you have trouble getting to appointments. I want to help." 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 I'm being picky probably but I notice the words 'admits' and 'blaming'. Maybe instead think of it as "since the divorce she's been struggling and can't get to medical appointments." She has a concrete need: someone to help her get to medical appointments...probably a mix of encouragement and rides and/or setting up other volunteer drivers. The word "blaming" sets up the idea that she could do it alone if she really tried and that muddies the water. She needs help getting to appointments. Once there I would trust the doctors to report if necessary. You're right. I definitely didn't mean it like that. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 You seem like you mean well, but I gotta tell you, stuff like this is why people don't seek help. This woman has confided her concerns and struggles to you, and it sounds like you might turn her in. Next time, she will keep her struggles to herself. And so will others who hear about what happened. If you want to help her, help her. Figure out what you can do and let her know. But if you can't, then mind your own business. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Call the school. Speak to the school counselor and make it clear that you don't want the family to know you called. Then tell them what you told us. The counselor will look at the situation and hopefully, take steps to rectify things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gypsymama Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 There are mandatory reporters for a reason. Those people will report things if it's needed. Those decisions shouldn't be made by people in the community with little to no knowledge of the situation. If the child has special needs and is not getting proper medical care the doctors will report the family. The only reason I see for anyone to ever report someone else is in the case of actual abuse (think you've seen true evidence of physical or sexual abuse or you know the child to be starving/etc.). If it is just a matter of the mother not being "up to code" for everyone's standards then it's best IMO to MYOB. The mandatory reporters are there just for this reason. Clearly if she hasn't been reported then the child is not actually being medically neglected, which the doctors wouldn't allow, and the other kids aren't really truant, which the school wouldn't allow. If you want to help, help. Offer rides for the kids to school, ask about maybe getting the school kids bus transport, offer to handle some of the sick child's appt transport, make freezer meals to take that stress off mom, offer to come in one day a week to help her clean, etc. Offer something that will be helpful or offer some advice on how to take the stress off. Reporting a loving family to DHS because they aren't up to our own standards of perfection is always a bad idea. It doesn't help fix whatever was originally causing the lack of X getting done and alternatively adds EVEN MORE stress and hassle to the family as well as the ripping about of the family and whatever trauma the children experience from this. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gypsymama Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 You seem like you mean well, but I gotta tell you, stuff like this is why people don't seek help. This woman has confided her concerns and struggles to you, and it sounds like you might turn her in. Next time, she will keep her struggles to herself. And so will others who hear about what happened. If you want to help her, help her. Figure out what you can do and let her know. But if you can't, then mind your own business. Exactly. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I think I would try to help her find babysitting and transportation solutions so she can get to medical appointments. I would also look into respite options and inform my friend of what I find. What is the reason she needs to take her other kids to school, vs. let them take a bus or walk? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 I think I would try to help her find babysitting and transportation solutions so she can get to medical appointments. I would also look into respite options and inform my friend of what I find. What is the reason she needs to take her other kids to school, vs. let them take a bus or walk? The parents live in different towns. The school is in the district where the other parent lives, not where she lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 There are mandatory reporters for a reason. Those people will report things if it's needed. Those decisions shouldn't be made by people in the community with little to no knowledge of the situation. If the child has special needs and is not getting proper medical care the doctors will report the family. The only reason I see for anyone to ever report someone else is in the case of actual abuse (think you've seen true evidence of physical or sexual abuse or you know the child to be starving/etc.). If it is just a matter of the mother not being "up to code" for everyone's standards then it's best IMO to MYOB. The mandatory reporters are there just for this reason. Clearly if she hasn't been reported then the child is not actually being medically neglected, which the doctors wouldn't allow, and the other kids aren't really truant, which the school wouldn't allow. If you want to help, help. Offer rides for the kids to school, ask about maybe getting the school kids bus transport, offer to handle some of the sick child's appt transport, make freezer meals to take that stress off mom, offer to come in one day a week to help her clean, etc. Offer something that will be helpful or offer some advice on how to take the stress off. Reporting a loving family to DHS because they aren't up to our own standards of perfection is always a bad idea. It doesn't help fix whatever was originally causing the lack of X getting done and alternatively adds EVEN MORE stress and hassle to the family as well as the ripping about of the family and whatever trauma the children experience from this. I wasn't thinking about reporting the family to DCFS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chiguirre Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 The parents live in different towns. The school is in the district where the other parent lives, not where she lives. Then the other parent needs to provide transportation or the kids need to transfer to the mom's local schools. I wouldn't get in the middle of a messy divorce, but this is a ridiculous burden for your friend to have to shoulder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 (edited) Then the other parent needs to provide transportation or the kids need to transfer to the mom's local schools. I wouldn't get in the middle of a messy divorce, but this is a ridiculous burden for your friend to have to shoulder. If they have joint custody and a contentious divorce there is a good chance this is not currently an option if the other parent is unwilling. It may take tremendous legal effort to even attempt to change their current designated schools, something that may be costly and time consuming at best and actually impossible in some instances. Edited May 31, 2016 by OneStepAtATime 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 The parents live in different towns. The school is in the district where the other parent lives, not where she lives. Is there any reason she can't move so they are both in the same school district? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 It can be very difficult to determine what determines medical neglect, even for professionals. In this case, I would be a supportive friend and offer whatever sort of help I thought the mom needed and I was able to give. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I would focus on providing what help I could with transportation to appointments. In many states, if the disabled child has Medicaid, Medicaid will provide transportation for free. You could help her find out if this is an option. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 In general I would think offering to help with transport is best but If you are the poster I am thinking of your own life hasn't been easy lately either so I understand not offering. Are there local support groups that can help her out at all? Is there any chance that she has concerns about the medical help being offered and is using the transport difficulties as a way out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 It doesn't sound like neglect to me. It sounds like somewhat typical PITA medical circus. Even for people without special needs, it can be a right pain in the tookus to navigate getting and keeping appointments, both in transport and cost issues. If this is neglect, then frankly I'm not sure how CPS can handle the 24/7 onslaught of calls bc lack of transportation, ability to get off work, and or cost are the three biggest reasons anyone in America of any age can't get medical care they need. It'd basicly be like saying being poor is in and of itself medical neglect. I'd do what I could. brain storm with her and keep my ears out for things that might help, but there's not much beyond that you or anyone else can do. Sucks for everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 When I divorced (it was acrimonious and hostile), my dd had just been diagnosed with what was then called juvenile rheumatoid arthritis. It required a lot of attention and care. In the Texas Medical Center. I don't live in the TMC. I live 30 miles away. That might not seem like much, but it was *everything*. There were days I couldn't afford gas to go, days I couldn't pay for parking, days I couldn't pay co-pays for appointments or Rx. Not to mention the lost income (because I was not working at a salaried job at the time.) I was depressed, and suffering with PTSD. I was dealing with 3 very hurt and confused kids, a change in identity/role and I felt lost and alone. But I didn't dare tell anyone how bad it was because I was living under the threat of the kids being taken. I trudged that season for a long time. I never fully disclosed to any one person. It was miserable for all of us. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandBoys Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 I have a husband, a car, a friend who will occasionally watch my children, and some money to pay copays. Even with all that going for me, we've struggled with all the medical appointments suggested for my ASD kid and my PTSD kid. We've had to pick and choose what therapies we can do because between them and me, I have medical professionals advising 33-41 appointments a month! That's over half of our take home pay in copays (and we have good insurance). Not a one of those appointments is welcoming of my other two children, most go so far as to tell me that I absolutely cannot bring my other two children, so I need childcare for those appointments, which runs $15 an hour here when my husband or friend can't help. Needless to say, we do not go to 30 plus appointments a month (the 15 or so we are doing are really, really hard!). I've had medical professionals lecture me about not prioritizing my kids enough. I've had people comment that they would whatever they could for their kids (as if I'm not! My kids need food and housing more than they need speech therapy. Not feeding them would be Actual Neglect.). I am very, very careful not to discuss these choices with most people for fear of the judgement that I'm somehow neglecting my kids for not don't everything that's recommended all at once. As a society, we absolutely lack empathy for the challenges of caring for kids on a lower income. All this to say, OP, I hope you can find some ways to help your friend who is clearly struggling. Babysitting or transportation seems the most helpful, but, for me, it was a great gift when a friend asked me to care for her children a few days a week. That extra income helped me add some therapies to our monthly rotation. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 perhaps she qualifies for services she isn't accessing because she doesn't know about them? Perhaps connecting with an advocate from a group that focuses on children with special needs (or her child's particular special need) would be a helpful step? Not reporting her but helping her find support? Here low income families with special needs kids may qualify for a mix of services- transportation, gas vouchers, respite care, in home support. It's worth exploring if she is open to it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 I'm not one who dismisses medical neglect. It exists. It's actually on the the reasons my mom had significant hearing loss. But it doesn't sound like this is equivalent. It sounds like a mom who needs help and may not know where to turn. The social workers at the hospital are there to ask for help...they aren't going to report her unless the child's safety is seriously at risk. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsummer Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 perhaps she qualifies for services she isn't accessing because she doesn't know about them? Perhaps connecting with an advocate from a group that focuses on children with special needs (or her child's particular special need) would be a helpful step? Not reporting her but helping her find support? Here low income families with special needs kids may qualify for a mix of services- transportation, gas vouchers, respite care, in home support. It's worth exploring if she is open to it. Yes, I remember when I was on Medicaid (for pregnant women) that there was a transportation service offered - you just schedule it and they'll pick you up for the appointment? they didn't make a big deal about it so I can see missing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.