Husband, home projects, and expectations

[AnnE-girl]

We moved to what will hopefully be our forever home a little over a week ago. It's in very good shape for a foreclosure, but there are a few small repairs here and there that are generally pretty easy do-it-yourself projects for my husband. Except the projects aren't always quite as easy as the instructions he's found online say they should be, and DH gets frustrated. My dad (about an hour away when he's "home" but lives a plane ride away most of the year) has offered to help with anything and my brother is fairly close and willing to help as well.

 

I think DH feels weird asking my family for help or really needing help or just moral support from someone else who has some experience. He's a brilliant, accomplished guy in his field, but not being able to quickly and easily do some home projects really seems to bother him. His dad does major projects himself, so DH feels like he should be able to do it too. However, his dad has more technical training and didn't let his kids "help" with stuff like that so they would learn. His dad was a mechanic, but he never taught his kids to change their own oil. He's come to help DH do projects on our old house, but would take the lead instead of letting DH do most of the work while he's there mostly for guidance.

 

I realize I'm sort of rambling, but I feel like DH is too hard on himself when he can't do these projects easily. As if every man/dad should be able to fix a toilet because our dads always could, and he's somehow less than because it's not always easy for him. Never mind that our dads were raised a bit differently and he has more academic and professional education.

 

I tried talking to him a little bit about it, and I think I'm getting through a little bit, but I'm wondering, is it just him? Do many other men feel pressured to be able to fix everything in addition to professional accomplishments?

 

Sorry for the multiple partial edits. My phone, and kids fighting sleep, hate me.

Edited May 31, 2016 by AnnE-girl

[JFSinIL]

I have just about convinced my hubby that his time is better spent  working on stuff for his clients than spending hours to do what it takes a plumber or electrician ten minutes.  After all, would he want a plumber writing his own will or being his own attorney at a real estate closing? No? Because odds are he'd miss something or make a costly mistake?  Well, same thing. 

 

DD got into her first home, a town house, and it needed a lot of big things done and many small things.  I paid professionals to do everything lickety split.  Now, a couple appliances had to be replaced, Sears wanted $150 EACH to install.  Hubby said he could do it.  Took three long evenings and a couple trips to the hardware store.  :-(

 

Some small jobs you can just watch a video on how to do it, and tackle yourself.    Why should men get all the fun? But most stuff, unless you know what you are doing, let the professionals handle things. 

 

 

 

Edited May 31, 2016 by JFSinIL

[AnnE-girl]

Ugh, my phone keeps posting before I finish typing. Going back to try one more time.

[bolt.]

I'm sure he'll figure out his own skills, relationships, and self-expectations... It doesn't seem productive for you to worry too much about his learning process or the normal feelings associated with that learning process. Just keep your own expectations low, and offer casual sympathy when he expresses his feelings. And offer him space if his feelings make him act like a butt temporarily.

 

(It perfectly normal for him to feel these things as he goes through this process. The feelings aren't hurting him, and they don't need to bother you.)

Edited May 31, 2016 by bolt.

[Xahm]

If it helps him to talk through things, I would work together on making a list of what needs to be done, dividing it by priority level. I'd then go through with him and decide which things you'd like to tackle, which things he'd like to do himself, which you should do together, and which make sense to get outside help on. Something might be possible to do alone but be high enough priority that it is worth getting help on. Likewise a tricky low priority thing could be a great learning diy project.

As far as expectations go, expect to be fiddling with the house as long as you live there.

[wendy not in HI]

My dh is pretty handy and has some experience with big house projects, but things still often take more time and cost more than he thinks they will. Everything goes better if I back off and give him time and space to work it out on his own. It sounds like your husband kind of just needs you to believe in him... sometimes easier said than done!

 

If grandpa comes over to help, that great!! Just give him a totally different project to keep him out of your dh's space (ie ask him to install ceiling fans or replace outlets rather than help with your hubby's current tile job)

[Arcadia]

My maternal granduncle can build and repair most stuff but he is the only one in that generation of my family who can. My dad and paternal uncles can make their own wooden furniture and that is all. My hubby need help interpreting IKEA's instruction manuals.

 

My hubby finds accepting help from my relatives hard, it is a pride thing. He rather pay for someone to do it but don't mind advice from my cousins on who to hire to do the job. My In-laws, his aunts and uncles tease him about not knowing how to do stuff despite having a degree which makes him feel worse and makes him not say a word.

[J-rap]

That was a little like my dh too.  He couldn't wait till he finally felt that we could afford to hire a handyman to come now and then and do those projects for him!  In the meantime, I didn't push it, because those projects weren't/aren't usually very important to me.  (He has always had higher expectations for our 100+ year old house that I have.)

[cjzimmer1]

Neither DH or I have/had any training in home projects prior to moving into our house.  His dad found those things to be "beneath" him and hired the jobs out and my dad didn't think girls needed to learn those things.  So it's been interesting because most of the time we haven't had the money to hire people.  I'm very thankful for all the videos people have posted on the internet.  I learned how to dismantled the flap on the ice dispenser (the gear had broken so it perpetual hung open and warm air would get in the freezer), together we learned how to uninstall a toilet and replace the wax ring (something we've had to do multiple times because my kids thinks toilet are pieces of gym equipment and manage to break the seals repeatedly), I learned how to dismantle the water pump on my washing machine, clean out the spray arms on the dishwasher etc.  In most families these are the guy projects, but my DH gets so frustrated with this stuff, his idea when something doesn't work right is to simply use more force.  He's broken more things than fixed with that approach.  So I've learned to tackle the projects on my own during the day when he is at work.  Sometimes it has meant losing a day of school because the projects ALWAYS take me far longer than is reasonable but I always get them done and DH isn't getting frustrated and angry when things don't work they way the video says it should.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I help my DH with stuff like that.  Have you thought about joining him?

 

 

[gaillardia]

He needs books about home repairs, etc. 

I can only imagine how frustrated he would feel if one of your dads came over and took the lead on a project that is clearly your dh's. 

Like someone mentioned, having your dad work on one thing or another and not being in your dh's project might work out better. 

 

I'm sorry, I can't really relate because my dh knows how to fix everything, EVERYTHING, and wouldn't need to ask for help unless it's a two person job (holding things in place, etc.)

[EndOfOrdinary]

I have started doing projects when Dh is gone. He was/is in much the place you described your husband. We live in an old house. It needs love. For quite a while we had very little money. However, Dh has now stalled out. It frustrates him that his best friend can build or fix darn near anything without so much as plans. Dh has lots of trouble. He would just rather not do it than be frustrated at this point.

 

When he is gone, things just magically happen. Sometimes I get IKEA furniture rather than him build something (after 3 years of saying he will). Sometimes I have friends come and help for a smaller amount of cash and a bunch of beer. Sometimes I hire it out (after my car sat for over 1.5 years not getting fixed). Though I know this hurts Dh's feelings in the moment, I quickly watch those hurt feelings melt into relief. Honestly, he does not want to do the projects and they bring him very little joy. The occassional ego boost is not worth the havok it wreaks on our lives.

 

I would be gentle for a bit. As previous posters said, this is a learning situation. If the learning situation starts to actually imact others in a significant way for quite a time period, just get it done.

[Catalytic]

My hubby can't either, tell your DH not to feel bad in the least.  We hire out what we can't figure out.

[DawnM]

My husband does know how to do most of it, but it takes him FOREVER and a day to do it.  He simply does not have the time.  And hiring it out frustrates him to no end because it is rarely done to his satisfaction.

 

We have lived in this house for 11 years.  It still isn't "done."  It got further along this year because we intended to sell.  

 

Can you ask your own family yourself?  Would that make him feel better about asking for help?

[Prairie~Phlox]

I say ask for help and get things done.  My dh was a contractor for years and has helped our neighbor on many occasions and does not mind.  Make it a fellowship event to see family and get it done. 

[EMS83]

DH has a contractor mentality, so his view is you hire the best guy you can afford who does that thing every day and you'll get a better result.  If it's replacing toilet guts or light switch receptacles, though, he can do that, but doesn't feel he HAS to.  He just knows how, the parts are cheap and easy to get, so it makes more sense to do it himself rather than pay for labor.  But he didn't want to install sink faucets, for example, so we hired a plumber.  I'm fairly certain he looks at the cost of materials, value of his time, and quality of work when he decides to do or not do something.  Plus there's the "I just don't want to do that" factor.  So then the options are do it myself, wait, or hire someone.  He only does that when it's not an important/urgent matter, though.  Aesthetic replacement of light fixtures, for example.  I'm the resident painter, furniture assembler, and landscaper/gardener.  My dad and I do light carpentry and yard projects from time to time.  None of this bothers DH personally.  But I don't think he was ever made to feel like you HAVE to be a certain way to be a valid example of maleness (or femaleness, in my case).  He may veto some of my ideas for cost, safety, or time considerations, though, and I respect that.

[Annie G]

I would give encouragement to your dh. You've been in the house for a week- that's not much time to get settled and begin projects. And sure, projects are easy when you've done them a few times. But there's a learning curve.  The folks doing the videos are probably not doing it for the first time. 

 

Your dh has to learn some patience also. Things that are new to him are going to take a bit of time to master. Maybe bring him a cold drink when he's been working on a project and ooh and aah over his progress.  He'll get the hang of it in no time.   I totally get that he probably wants to do this himself rather than have someone else come over and show him how to do it. 

 

We've been renovating this old house for a couple of decades...doing it together makes a big difference for us. Failing together or succeeded together...we've done both. g

[lllll]

Our last house was old and needed a LOT of work.  My brother and oldest ds volunteered to come help fix all of it, along with my kids' help, when we first moved there.  I really, really wish I had let them come and do all of it.  My dh didn't want them to come, and kept saying he would do it, but very little of it actually got done.  Most of the stuff that actually got done was done by me and our kids as they got older.  I eventually realized that, while my dh probably could do the stuff, he's cheap.  So when he finally did something, he skimped and cut so many corners that it wasn't at all what I'd been hoping for.  I quit asking him, unless it was something I knew he couldn't cut corners on, like the hot water heater.  He put in our 80-gallon hot water heater with one ds's help.  Otherwise, I should have let my oldest ds and my brother come help us right at the start when they volunteered.  Ds had all the tools and was always working on his own house.  My brother had been buying fixer-uppers for years, restoring them, and selling them at a large profit when they moved.  I should have just ignored my dh and told them 'Sure!  Come on!!'  Oh well. 

 

Your dh sounds like he's trying very hard though.  It's so sweet that he wants to please you that way.  :)  But some people just seem to love working on stuff like that and are really good at it, while others (even if they CAN do it)  .....  don't like it and are better at other things.  Nothing wrong with that.  Maybe he could 'supervise' as others do it.  When my kids painted the outside of our house, I set the standards and chose the paint colors, my kids did the actual work, and my dh 'supervised' and ran back and forth to the store to get supplies.  Everybody was happy - I got a BEATIFULLY painted house, dc learned how to repair and paint a house really well, and dh got to feel like he was in charge and 'control' the money.  That method worked for several other projects we did with our house. 

 

I'm not sure what I would do with a dh like yours who's trying so hard, yet gets frustrated.  Maybe, just like hs'ing the kids, direct him to the things he CAN succeed at first?  To build his confidence as he progresses on to harder things?  Not sure.  Definitely try to get your Dad in there somehow though.  Just figure out a way for your dh to 'save face' when you do it.  And make it fun.  Cook some good food, let the kids help when they can,  play some music they like, go someplace fun when the work gets tiring, etc. 

 

:grouphug:

Edited May 31, 2016 by _ ?^..

[Scarlett]

My Dh has been in construction of one kind or another since he was 13 years old. He is very talented and can do anything. So our problem is he always thinks he can get more done than he can. He is gone from the house at his job for at least 10 hours a day. And he is almost 50 so his energy level has dropped in recent years.,,..so no time and energy for a lot of projects.

 

I find that it helps us both if we have a deadline. For a real reason.....like last summer he did a gut job remodel on our main bathroom. My sister was coming for a visit with her daughter and 2 young granddaughters.....so it just HAD to be done by then. He finished it in about 3 weeks time.

 

Yesterday we went and bought materials to totally remodel ds16's room. Closet is being redone, new window, flooring, paint, trim etc. on Saturday and Sunday I focused on helping Ds get all of his stuff out.....and so now he is upstairs in dss15's room. He will be back here to our ( to live!) in just over 3 weeks.....so that is a huge deadline. We have to get Ds's room done by then.

 

Sorry to ramble on ....to answer your actual question when Dh can't to something YES he thinks he should be able to and will often waste valuable time and money rather than just hire it done.

 

I feel confident your Dh WILL learn......go help,him, buy him a book or two on home repair....keep on encouraging him to ask for help. People who know how to do stuff like my husband LOVE to help others learn.....my husband is always going over to friends house to walk them through projects. His friend who is a co tractor often consults Dh on things.

[fairfarmhand]

It's probably just that he's good at what he does at work but doesn't have that same ease in other things.

 

So remind him when he starts that nobody makes a yotube video of all the times they tear stuff up, can't get the flippin wrench to fit right, strip out screws...etc.

 

If he's the type, perhaps you guys could make a game of it and make your own youtube channel. Like "home repair for white collar guys" sort of like a blooper reel of home repair.

[lmrich]

Do you have a daughter? If so, gently remind him that he will want to help her when she grows up, too. People who want to help you out, like to help. My dad does not show love in normal ways, he shows it by helping - walking the dog, repairing something, landscape work, etc..  Maybe if your dh saw it as a love language, he could allow it. 

[fairfarmhand]

Here's one

 

 

And I do tell my dh to NEVER START A REPAIR IF HE'S PRESSED FOR TIME.

[Happy]

We have what we call 'the three hour' rule....

 

Early in our marriage, we picked up a boxed tub surround at the local home improvement store....on the box it SAID 'install in 3 hours.'

 

It took us (with my brother's help) THREE days.

 

So now if someone says or we read, the job should take X amount of time, we triple it. :)  You'd be surprised how just doing that eases frustration.

[Annie G]

We have what we call 'the three hour' rule....

 

Early in our marriage, we picked up a boxed tub surround at the local home improvement store....on the box it SAID 'install in 3 hours.'

 

It took us (with my brother's help) THREE days.

 

So now if someone says or we read, the job should take X amount of time, we triple it. :)  You'd be surprised how just doing that eases frustration.

 

We always joked that until we made our third trip to the home improvement store, the project wasn't done.  And yeah, triple the time we thought it would take. At least. 

[zoobie]

Don't fall prey to the stereotyping mindset that all men should know how to fix things. Should all women magically know how to sew and cook simply by virtue of having two X chromosomes? It's ridiculous. Not everyone is good at it, and not everyone enjoys it. We hire out what we can't do ourselves or is too much to ask my dad for help with. (My dad actually enjoys having little fix-it projects. He fixed the kids' bikes this weekend.) DH makes more as an attorney in the time he would waste trying to fix something here. Except involved plumbing it seems, but we are not ever going to try to tackle welding and replacing a sewer line or something like that! Some things are better, more easily, and more quickly done by the people who do them day in and day out. More than likely he has a job that would take someone more than a youtube video and a weekend afternoon to master, right? 

[TammyS]

First off, while you can learn to do a lot of stuff by looking how online, let me tell you when it comes to how long and how hard a project is - the internet LIES!!!!  Like a rug!  He shouldn't feel bad about not being experienced when he's not experienced.  The internet lies.  Just like cooking shows like (no one ever sees all the people the prep for Martha Stewart and clean up behind her, KWIM?).

 

ETA: A while back I read this article, I can't find it now, sorry, about the big difference in Asians and Americans when it comes to math (and, ostensibly, why they are better at it, statistically).  I expected it to be that they work harder or that their parents require it more, or something like that.  Nope.  Turned out they didn't really work harder nor spend more time on it in the curriculum.  The difference was that Asian students expected to be bad at a new math concept at first, and then get good at it after they practice for a while.  Americans expected that you were either a math person who would get it right away, or there was no point in trying, because you weren't a math person.

 

I think this same thing probably applies to lots of attitudes about things.  Your dh should expect to be bad at it at first.

 

Edited May 31, 2016 by TammyS