New trend? People showing up early to social event

[Tanaqui]

So clearly, the takeaway here is that local custom can vary considerably, and you should always assume that both your guests and your hosts were acting in good faith, even if they did something which seems bizarre to you - like showing up earlier or later than you think they should have, or serving the meal earlier/later than you would have.

[QueenCat]

I've never served or been served an appertif :)

 

No, dinner invitations are for dinner, and then maybe coffee or dessert after.

 

The 6pm dinner is actually late dinner around here :)

 

Kelly

 

 

No one has ever served you a cocktail before dinner? Typically served with appetizers?

[gardenmom5]

No one has ever served you a cocktail before dinner? Typically served with appetizers?

no 

 

eta: dh's business networking group is the one where booze is most prevelant.  we also leave early as people start to get drunk.  (especially after the shots start.)

Edited May 31, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Bluegoat]

I wonder if for some people, meals always include small kids, so they tend to be earlier and more likely to start soon after arrival?  I know people who are big on scedualing their kids (or their kids need a lot of regularity) so that is how they operate.  If you will put dinner on the table at 5, you might not expect people to come much earlier to socialize because they will be doing daytime stuff.

 

 

[kewb]

This is completely foreign to me! Well, first because I have never in my life eaten dinner at 6PM lol, but mainly because I have never entertained or been entertained without a fairly extended period of time for an aperitif. People arrive (after the time on the invitation!), they have drinks, nibbles, conversation before eventually making their way to the table.

 

Or do you mean that you expect people to arrive early in order to have the aperitif and conversation before dinner...? Either way, completely foreign to me. Honestly, I've never even heard of it before.

For me, the invite would be worded along the line of start time 6pm. Dinner at 6:30. This way people know there will not be a whole bunch of lounging about with drinks and snacks prior to sitting down to dinner. If you want chat time before we eat arrive on time, otherwise chatting is at the table and after the meal.

 

You can stay for hours after the meal I love relaxing and chatting after eating but be on time or you will miss the meal.

[SquirrellyMama]

No one has ever served you a cocktail before dinner? Typically served with appetizers?

 

No, but around here we don't do fancy dinner parties with appetizers and drinks. As a kid we never went to dinner parties with appetizers and drinks either. It was usually a cook out, laid back dinner, or pot luck. 

 

We usually put "appetizers" in with the dinner.

 

We are just uncouth small town Iowans :)

 

Kelly

[Bluegoat]

Re: dinner start times.  A friend of mine lived in an international student house for a while, and she said you could easily tell what time it was by who was eating dinner.  I think Americans and the British were really early - like 4 or 5 - and the Brazillians were the latest, they didn't start to cook until 11 or so.

[regentrude]

Now, if I were invited to someone's home for dinner and they immediately plunked me down at the dinner table I would feel very unwelcome. It would feel to me as if they felt some sort of obligation to have me there but were trying to get me in and out as soon as possible. Kind of like cattle being herded.

 

To me, it is so much more gracious when people arrive leisurely, have a drink leisurely, and then go to table. But dinner parties that I have or go to generally last several hours.

 

I prefer to serve dinner immediately - because, if I have guests arrive way before dinner, I will have to work in the kitchen and finish cooking and cannot socialize (unless it's foods that bake in the oven - but anything that has a short cooking time needs to be prepped immediately before serving). I hate that. So, my guests know that dinner at 8 means they come at 8 and sit down at the table to eat. We still have a leisurely several hour dinner, with several courses, desert, coffee, conversation, and I do not have the feeling that anybody feels unwelcome. They keep coming back.

Working an hour in the kitchen while I have guests is not something I enjoy.

Edited May 31, 2016 by regentrude

[QueenCat]

no 

 

eta: dh's business networking group is the one where booze is most prevelant.  we also leave early as people start to get drunk.  (especially after the shots start.)

 

People aren't typically getting drunk at our dinner parties (or at the one's we attend). A cocktail (or glass of wine or a beer) before dinner, perhaps one with the meal. If it's a longer evening, some might have a third but three drinks over 4 hours aren't going to make most people drunk.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No one has ever served you a cocktail before dinner? Typically served with appetizers?

 

Only at a wedding reception.

[SquirrellyMama]

A pp mentioned kids. This is a huge part of it. I don't think we've done a dinner without kids in 15 years. Many of these families have small kids who aren't going to wait through aperitifs and small talk. I do most of my talking at the table with food. Food seems to bring out the conversation in me :)

 

Kelly

[SparklyUnicorn]

So now I am sitting here wondering how many people on these boards are going to change their ways and start arriving late to things because of a thread on WTM.   :lol:  Not me.  I still say late is rude.  And Dinner at 6 means dinner at six (or whatever time the invite is for), unless otherwise specified.

 

Yes, too early is bad form unless it is an occasional "Whoops!," but I just can't get on board with being late.  (At least in this country.  :patriot: )  As the pp mentioned for the opposite POV, it is completely foreign to me.  I have never heard of people assuming dinner at 6 meant arrive late and eat later.  I guess I don't socialize enough.

 

Late?  No for me that's not possible.  LOL

[QueenCat]

No, but around here we don't do fancy dinner parties with appetizers and drinks. As a kid we never went to dinner parties with appetizers and drinks either. It was usually a cook out, laid back dinner, or pot luck. 

 

We usually put "appetizers" in with the dinner.

 

We are just uncouth small town Iowans :)

 

Kelly

 

I wouldn't say most of the parties are "fancy"........ I see cocktails or pre-dinner drinks as well as appetizers at both casual, semi-casual and more formal affairs.........

[regentrude]

Re: dinner start times.  A friend of mine lived in an international student house for a while, and she said you could easily tell what time it was by who was eating dinner.  I think Americans and the British were really early - like 4 or 5 - and the Brazillians were the latest, they didn't start to cook until 11 or so.

 

I have always wondered about the 5pm dinners customary in this country. At that time, all my colleagues would be still at work.

Our dinner parties are at 8pm, or 7:30pm if somebody asks for extra early.

[Mbelle]

Wow, customs do vary greatly.  I'm laughing thinking about it.  I have been in some hilarious situations in other countries, but I didn't expect such a wide variance in the US.  

I do attend some parties without alcohol, but really the only difference is they serve ice tea or soft drinks before the meal instead of cocktails.

 

 

 

if you need conversation before you can start eating - you will have attentive listeners as they are eating and you are talking.

 

So, here's what I'm understanding.  Your guests arrive exactly on tim or a few minutes early, and they eat within a few minutes of arriving.  Not much conversation is going on and then you have coffee and dessert and that's it?  I feel like I'm way off base but that's what it seems like?  

[SparklyUnicorn]

I guess the bottom line is you can't please everyone!

 

 

[bibiche]

no

 

eta: dh's business networking group is the one where booze is most prevelant. we also leave early as people start to get drunk. (especially after the shots start.)

But the aperitif is not for getting drunk, it is for opening the appetite.

 

As for the rest, that sounds godawful. Thankfully I have never attended a dinner party that ended in shots! (A little too much wine and digestif drunk, perhaps... ;) )

[QueenCat]

A pp mentioned kids. This is a huge part of it. I don't think we've done a dinner without kids in 15 years. Many of these families have small kids who aren't going to wait through aperitifs and small talk. I do most of my talking at the table with food. Food seems to bring out the conversation in me :)

 

Kelly

 

That is a factor........ mine are older now as are most of our friends kids so they are able to wait to eat, if they are even there.

[SquirrellyMama]

But the aperitif is not for getting drunk, it is for opening the appetite.

 

As for the rest, that sounds godawful. Thankfully I have never attended a dinner party that ended in shots! (A little too much wine and digestif drunk, perhaps... ;) )

 

Opening the appetite? My appetite doesn't close :laugh:

 

Kelly

[SparklyUnicorn]

Opening the appetite? My appetite doesn't close :laugh:

 

Kelly

 

LMAO..yeah if you invite me over for dinner, I want dinner.  I don't want to futz around here.  LOL

[SquirrellyMama]

Wow, customs do vary greatly.  I'm laughing thinking about it.  I have been in some hilarious situations in other countries, but I didn't expect such a wide variance in the US.  

I do attend some parties without alcohol, but really the only difference is they serve ice tea or soft drinks before the meal instead of cocktails.

 

 

So, here's what I'm understanding.  Your guests arrive exactly on tim or a few minutes early, and they eat within a few minutes of arriving.  Not much conversation is going on and then you have coffee and dessert and that's it?  I feel like I'm way off base but that's what it seems like?  

 

We have a lot of conversation going on. Are you all quiet during dinner? Food around the dinner table seems to bring out the conversation. Sitting around with drinks and appetizers would be small talk while the good stuff would be during dinner.

 

Kelly

 

[shawthorne44]

Aaack! That is early. I tend to the 5-10 min late side.

 

Though, ahem, recently DH was the one to receive the evite to niece and nephew's bday party. Yep, I'm throwing him under the bus. We arrived 10 mins late (we thought) to a house with no cars in the driveway. We were TWO HOURS early. I could have just died, I was so embarrassed. We walked in right as they were sitting down to lunch, and finishing up decorating. Ugh!

 

We showed up a week early.  Totally DH's fault.   What is worse is that it was a surprise party hosted by wife of GOH at the home of a friend that we didn't know.  They had young kids, so young kids were welcome.  We show up and there aren't any cars.  We were probably 5 minutes early.   But, there weren't many cars.   DD and I stay in the car while DH checks things out.   The door is open and no one comes to the door.   But, it is a surprise party and for parties people often just leave the door open.   So, DH goes in, hollering Hello.   It was a pool party, so DH goes to the backyard to find ONE scared/mad guy dangling in an inner-tube in the pool.  They talk and everything is straightened out.   It made a great story for the party.  

[bibiche]

I prefer to serve dinner immediately - because, if I have guests arrive way before dinner, I will have to work in the kitchen and finish cooking and cannot socialize (unless it's foods that bake in the oven - but anything that has a short cooking time needs to be prepped immediately before serving). I hate that. So, my guests know that dinner at 8 means they come at 8 and sit down at the table to eat. We still have a leisurely several hour dinner, with several courses, desert, coffee, conversation, and I do not have the feeling that anybody feels unwelcome. They keep coming back.

Working an hour in the kitchen while I have guests is not something I enjoy.

I find that this is where the aperitif comes in handy: I greet my guests, hang out a bit, and then absent myself to do last minute stuff in the kitchen and serve the first course. I am going to have to do the last-minute stuff anyway, so I prefer to have my guests relaxed and conversing while I do it - less pressure on me. :) Similarly, I absent myself toward the end of the principal dish to go make the vinaigrette and dress the salad. And then again before serving the dessert. Ditto coffee. I find that as long as people have something in front of them they don't mind if I slip away for a minute or two. And sometimes it is nice for introverted me to have a bit of time to myself!

[SparklyUnicorn]

what is an aperitif?!

 

 

Edited May 31, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[SquirrellyMama]

For some reason food is like a religious experience for me, and I get a little, uh, worked up about it :laugh: 

[regentrude]

what is an aperitif?!

 

a small drink taken before a meal that is supposed to "whet the appetite". It is usually something that is not sweet - a dry sherry, for example. Or - even better - a Pineau des Charentes.

ETA: We sometimes do sherry, but sometimes move straight to the first wine for the evening.

Edited May 31, 2016 by regentrude

[bibiche]

a small drink taken before a meal that is supposed to "whet the appetite". It is usually something that is not sweet - a dry sherry, for example.

ETA: We sometimes do sherry, but sometimes move straight to the first wine for the evening.

Yup. Although in hot weather I like to offer muscat, and that is pretty sweet. Also yummy with something salty. Hmm, what time is it...? ;P

 

But yeah, things like pastis, Campari, a glass of wine or champagne that is served with nibbles.

 

For kids, something like an almond or mint or grenadine soda (DS adores the aperitif because it is the only time except for occasionally on an airplane that he is allowed to have sugary drinks.) Chinotto is a good one for kids too. Also citronnade (Trader Joe's carries this now).

Edited May 31, 2016 by bibiche

[regentrude]

eta: dh's business networking group is the one where booze is most prevelant.  we also leave early as people start to get drunk.  (especially after the shots start.)

 

I have never attended or hosted a dinner or a party where people got drunk. Aperitif, some good wine - no hard liquor.

[gardenmom5]

But the aperitif is not for getting drunk, it is for opening the appetite.

 

As for the rest, that sounds godawful. Thankfully I have never attended a dinner party that ended in shots! (A little too much wine and digestif drunk, perhaps... ;) )

 

yeah - I know what an aperitif is.  but the booze was flowing the whole time.   If it was just an aperitif, wine with dinner,  maybe an ice wine for dessert - no biggie.  hard drinks/shots . . .   it does vary with who is hosting.

 

incidentally - I've noticed there is less drinking of alcohol if people are actually sitting down to eat vs standing.

 

For some reason food is like a religious experience for me, and I get a little, uh, worked up about it :laugh:

 

same with dh - I keep trying to get him  to just chill.

I can understand my fil - he was a pow - and they were starved.  (he weighed around 90lbs when he was liberated.)  all they talked about was food.  a naked model could have come into the pow camp, and the soldiers would only want to know if she had any food - or at least what was her best recipe.

[hornblower]

We used to get invitations which were worded "5 for 6" or "6 for 7" 

Meaning come at 5 for dinner at 6 or come at 6 for dinner at 7.   You'd spend an hour having drinks and passing crackers and cheese before the dinner.   Sometimes if these people hear an invitation for dinner at a given time, they immediately mentally tack on 30-60 min earlier start time. 

I guess you really have to be super clear with people about what time to arrive. 

 

 

Mind you, I know someone who dragged this out to beyond reasonable. It was supposed to be a lunch thing & guests were invited for noon. At 1 pm the hosts still hadn't started cooking & the thing was supposed to be in the oven for an hour so they were planning to sit down around 2-2:30.  Nobody else realized they were going to have to spend the whole afternoon there & be starving ....  Now I mentally tack 2h behind whatever time they say & arrive super late. 

 

[gardenmom5]

I have never attended or hosted a dinner or a party where people got drunk. Aperitif, some good wine - no hard liquor.

 

I've gone to $50+ per person (withOUT drinks) restaurants where customers were drunk.   one I particular that still makes me angry (it was a celebration dinner for our daughter, and we were seated next to the louts), and I will never tolerate that type of experience again without demanding the manger make it good for us. (especially as in this case, the manager knew they were drunk and disruptive, but according to our waiter, was afraid of "offending them by throwing them out".)

 

eta: there is a perverse satisfaction that place is now closed.

Edited May 31, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Murphy101]

I have never attended or hosted a dinner or a party where people got drunk. Aperitif, some good wine - no hard liquor.

*snort* I think it's amusing that it's presumed people only get drunk off hard liquer. There's nothing inherent about so called hard Liquer that makes someone more likely to get drunk.

 

My created family and friends? Doesn't matter what I serve, no one is getting drunk.

 

My FOO? Unless I frisk them, they might already be drunk when they arrive. (Which is why I don't invite some of them very often.)

[Guest]

I really cannot help arriving early. It is just the way I function. I do try and wait in my car or drive around until the start time. That being said, if I arrived early and noticed others arriving early and going in, I *might* go in myself. As a party host, I will always be ready myself at least an hour beforehand. That's just the way my brain functions!

 

I'll never forget that my boss many years ago used to get so irritated when people would show up early for their appointments. I never understood that because I always view things as better early than late, especially if you have back to back apptmts! (And in his case, it wasn't like he had to take them back to his office early.) But, I regress, apparently one can't win - whether being early or late.

[regentrude]

*snort* I think it's amusing that it's presumed people only get drunk off hard liquer. There's nothing inherent about so called hard Liquer that makes someone more likely to get drunk.

 

I do not presume that; I only mentioned liquor in response to the poster who talked about shots.

But I disagree with the second sentence: it is much easier to get drunk on liquor because you need to consume much less liquid to ingest the same quantity of alcohol.

[Murphy101]

We have been known to bring our own keg or whiskey. Dh home brews. Still no one gets drunk.

 

We always eat a little something before attending dinner events bc we never known if we will like what is served and also, if they wait to serve or serve something dh has to be careful of, then we don't have too worry about him needing to check his sugar or insulin or anything.

 

When I'm hosting, the meal is usually ready to serve within 15-20 minutes of invite time. I don't want to absent myself from my guests and if they are bringing children, I like to feed the starving horde ASAP bc otherwise hungry little people can get cranky fast.

[Murphy101]

I do not presume that; I only mentioned liquor in response to the poster who talked about shots.

But I disagree with the second sentence: it is much easier to get drunk on liquor because you need to consume much less liquid to ingest the same quantity of alcohol.

Not really. People tend to know how much alcohol they should have or not and consume accordingly. Someone who is going to get drunk is going to get drunk regardless of what you serve. Because the problem with drunks is they don't self moderate regardless of the alcohol type.

 

So whether you serve a nice wine, beer or orzo (mmmm!) the problem isn't what you serve, it's how they drink it.

 

Someone who lacks the good sense to know they probably shouldn't have 5 shots of orzo is the same person who isn't going to be able to tell you how many glasses of wine they had either.

[Bluegoat]

There were really only a few years where kids tended to have us eating early.  After that they just played together, ate the appetizers, and talked with the adults.  And they were much better at waiting for dinner even without something to snack on.

 

I'm interested in this idea that people can't arrive late or they feel weird about it - I don't think there are many people who like to arrive late.  Everyone likes to arrive on time - the question is, what is on time?  Not necessarily the time the invitation says.  I personally hate being late, or early for a social event - but I would rarely arrive right at the invitation time for a house party where I did not have reason to believe that is the expectation.

[Bluegoat]

Not really. People tend to know how much alcohol they should have or not and consume accordingly. Someone who is going to get drunk is going to get drunk regardless of what you serve. Because the problem with drunks is they don't self moderate regardless of the alcohol type.

 

So whether you serve a nice wine, beer or orzo (mmmm!) the problem isn't what you serve, it's how they drink it.

 

Someone who lacks the good sense to know they probably shouldn't have 5 shots of orzo is the same person who isn't going to be able to tell you how many glasses of wine they had either.

 

There can also be differences in social expectations about what is "drunk" and what is not.  Some consider not being able to drive oneslf drunk, some think tipsy is drunk, while others consider being really loud and more voluble than nomal perfectly normal for a party and not drunk at all.

 

But I think it helps a lot if people come from similar social circles, there are less likely to be widely different perspectives on this.

[gardenmom5]

*snort* I think it's amusing that it's presumed people only get drunk off hard liquer. There's nothing inherent about so called hard Liquer that makes someone more likely to get drunk.

 

I agree.  some people will drink a lot, some just sip.  (if that.)  My grandmother kept insisting a certain person wasn't an alcoholic/wasn't drunk because they only drank beer.  (her father was an alcoholic/ my grandfather's father and several of his brothers were all alcoholics)

blood alcohol of 0.08 is legally drunk around here.  it doesn't take much to reach that, especially for a woman on an empty stomach.

 

 

We always eat a little something before attending dinner events bc we never known if we will like what is served and also, if they wait to serve or serve something dh has to be careful of, then we don't have too worry about him needing to check his sugar or insulin or anything.

 

 

 

I have a relative, I always feed dudeling before we go - or he will likely starve and that seriously affects his mood.  I will eat before we go, as dinner is *never* when it is said it will be, and the food is  often . . . lacking.

 

There can also be differences in social expectations about what is "drunk" and what is not.  Some consider not being able to drive oneslf drunk, some think tipsy is drunk, while others consider being really loud and more voluble than nomal perfectly normal for a party and not drunk at all.

 

But I think it helps a lot if people come from similar social circles, there are less likely to be widely different perspectives on this.

 

loud is showing they've been freely drinking.  many tests have shown many people are legally drunk at that stage, even if they dont' feel like they are.  loud, offensive, and disruptive . . . time to withhold the booze (and the car keys).  whatever form is being consumed.

[marbel]

I find that this is where the aperitif comes in handy: I greet my guests, hang out a bit, and then absent myself to do last minute stuff in the kitchen and serve the first course. I am going to have to do the last-minute stuff anyway, so I prefer to have my guests relaxed and conversing while I do it - less pressure on me. :) Similarly, I absent myself toward the end of the principal dish to go make the vinaigrette and dress the salad. And then again before serving the dessert. Ditto coffee. I find that as long as people have something in front of them they don't mind if I slip away for a minute or two. And sometimes it is nice for introverted me to have a bit of time to myself!

 

I am out out likes today.

 

Anyway, this is pretty much my experience and practice.  Even when we had little kids, and all our friends did, I don't recall when we ever arrived and were immediately ushered to the table to start eating.  Within 20 - 30 minutes, sure, at times. Other times were more leisurely. We always offer something to drink and some little appetizer. 

 

This to me is not "fancy" but just typical.  Depending on the type of get-together, the appetizer might be as simple as chips and salsa and the drink offerings beer or sangria (along with non-alcoholic drinks).  

 

I also like being able to slip away when everything is under control to finish last-minute things: dress the salad, grind and start the coffee, whip the cream...  And then cleanup is only the absolute necessities, such as putting food away and clearing the table for dessert. I prefer dessert in the living room if possible so I don't even have to clear the table right away.   Full-on cleanup comes after the guests are gone. 

 

After dinner the scotch may come out.  No one is knocking back shots or getting drunk.  I despise the stuff but many others like it. 

 

[Bluegoat]

I agree.  some people will drink a lot, some just sip.  (if that.)  My grandmother kept insisting a certain person wasn't an alcoholic/wasn't drunk because they only drank beer.  (her father was an alcoholic/ my grandfather's father and several of his brothers were all alcoholics)

blood alcohol of 0.08 is legally drunk around here.  it doesn't take much to reach that, especially for a woman on an empty stomach.

 

 

I have a relative, I always feed dudeling before we go - or he will likely starve and that seriously affects his mood.  I will eat before we go, as dinner is *never* when it is said it will be, and the food is  often . . . lacking.

 

 

loud is showing they've been freely drinking.  many tests have shown many people are legally drunk at that stage, even if they dont' feel like they are.  loud, offensive, and disruptive . . . time to withhold the booze (and the car keys).  whatever form is being consumed.

 

TBH I don't care about legally drunk, all that much - only for thinking about legally allowed to drive.  And for myself, I do not drive well before I am legally impaired, but that isn't when I consider myself to be drunk.

[QueenCat]

I agree.  some people will drink a lot, some just sip.  (if that.)  My grandmother kept insisting a certain person wasn't an alcoholic/wasn't drunk because they only drank beer.  (her father was an alcoholic/ my grandfather's father and several of his brothers were all alcoholics)

blood alcohol of 0.08 is legally drunk around here.  it doesn't take much to reach that, especially for a woman on an empty stomach.

 

 

I have a relative, I always feed dudeling before we go - or he will likely starve and that seriously affects his mood.  I will eat before we go, as dinner is *never* when it is said it will be, and the food is  often . . . lacking.

 

 

loud is showing they've been freely drinking.  many tests have shown many people are legally drunk at that stage, even if they dont' feel like they are.  loud, offensive, and disruptive . . . time to withhold the booze (and the car keys).  whatever form is being consumed.

 

At a dinner party, one is typically eating while drinking. To teach our children (as older teens,not little kids) about the affect of alcohol, we did some experimenting with learning about blood alcohol levels (too long to explain here what we did but getting drunk was not involved). At that point, if I had two drinks over a two hour period, I was well below the legal level of .08, however I would still not drive when I've had more than one unless there has been a couple of hours since I finished the second one.

 

[Spryte]

We showed up a week early. Totally DH's fault. What is worse is that it was a surprise party hosted by wife of GOH at the home of a friend that we didn't know. They had young kids, so young kids were welcome. We show up and there aren't any cars. We were probably 5 minutes early. But, there weren't many cars. DD and I stay in the car while DH checks things out. The door is open and no one comes to the door. But, it is a surprise party and for parties people often just leave the door open. So, DH goes in, hollering Hello. It was a pool party, so DH goes to the backyard to find ONE scared/mad guy dangling in an inner-tube in the pool. They talk and everything is straightened out. It made a great story for the party.

You win! :D

 

It's a great story!

[OneStepAtATime]

So clearly, the takeaway here is that local custom can vary considerably, and you should always assume that both your guests and your hosts were acting in good faith, even if they did something which seems bizarre to you - like showing up earlier or later than you think they should have, or serving the meal earlier/later than you would have.

:iagree: This needs reiterating.

 

If someone shows up at a time that is different than expected by the hostess, there is a good chance they weren't trying to  be "rude".  They very well may have been doing their level best to follow whatever rules of etiquette they were raised with or they think are customary for the area.

 

"Rude" to me implies a deliberate act where the person KNOWS what they did (show up early, on time, late) is not socially acceptable by the hostess and they did it anyway because they either don't care, are woefully disorganized and can't seem to get anywhere when they are supposed to, or they are intentionally messing with the hostess.

 

And clearly, after reading the wide variety of "norms" for hosting a party, there is more variation and interpretation than I had consciously realized.  I will absolutely be internalizing this message.

Edited June 1, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[gypsymama]

I'm an early bird also.

 

As a host, I find it incredibly rude to be late and I would honestly start freaking out if no one had arrived 10 min past the listed event time. I always plan events to occur 1 hr after I can be ready... ie I have errands to run and can't get the house/party ready before 2 pm then the event will be planned for 3 pm or later. This way all cleaning, etc is done ahead of time with the exception of small last minute details. I also plan appetizers and "distraction" items for guests to entertain the first arrivers until everyone gets there and the party can actually start.

 

As a guest, I like the 5-10 minutes grace either direction of the start time just because of traffic and clocks being off. I always leave my house early because I've always lived rurally and never know what I'll run into. If I arrive really early I wait in the car until the first other person arrives or it's time. If it's at a group event at a location (like homeschool cookouts) I plan to arrive early to help the host and discuss this when accepting the invite. (ie... I'd love to attend the homeschool bbq is there anything I can bring or do to help? ... Great. You listed it at 1pm would you like me to arrive earlier to help you set up?) I will offer the same help to house parties if I am close to the host or feel they would appreciate it but like I said this is discussed! I'd never consider showing my face at a party more than 10 minutes to start time without prior permission. I'd just sit in my car if I arrived more than 5-10 min early.  

 

I wonder if this has anything to do with military vs. civilian... Kinsa mentioned being expected to be early and if you aren't at least 5 min early you're late. I was taught the same thing but was an army brat. Anyone else? Maybe that's the distinction LOL

 

*Funny story: I did once arrive AN HOUR! early to an event. My co-workers planned an event we were to meet up at work to drive to together. I was told we were meeting at 10 am at work. I get there (10 min to 10 am in my normal fashion) and there are only two people there in the office. They started laughing because I missed the memo that the REAL meet time was 11 am. We had one chick that was notoriously one hour late to everything. She seriously was one hour late to everything even work. They put out the invite for "her" and everyone else was told separately not to arrive until 11 but I missed that memo somehow. Sure enough Miss Late arrived at 11 am and we left. Ughhhh LOL

[Bluegoat]

I'm an early bird also.

 

As a host, I find it incredibly rude to be late and I would honestly start freaking out if no one had arrived 10 min past the listed event time. I always plan events to occur 1 hr after I can be ready... ie I have errands to run and can't get the house/party ready before 2 pm then the event will be planned for 3 pm or later. This way all cleaning, etc is done ahead of time with the exception of small last minute details. I also plan appetizers and "distraction" items for guests to entertain the first arrivers until everyone gets there and the party can actually start.

 

As a guest, I like the 5-10 minutes grace either direction of the start time just because of traffic and clocks being off. I always leave my house early because I've always lived rurally and never know what I'll run into. If I arrive really early I wait in the car until the first other person arrives or it's time. If it's at a group event at a location (like homeschool cookouts) I plan to arrive early to help the host and discuss this when accepting the invite. (ie... I'd love to attend the homeschool bbq is there anything I can bring or do to help? ... Great. You listed it at 1pm would you like me to arrive earlier to help you set up?) I will offer the same help to house parties if I am close to the host or feel they would appreciate it but like I said this is discussed! I'd never consider showing my face at a party more than 10 minutes to start time without prior permission. I'd just sit in my car if I arrived more than 5-10 min early.  

 

I wonder if this has anything to do with military vs. civilian... Kinsa mentioned being expected to be early and if you aren't at least 5 min early you're late. I was taught the same thing but was an army brat. Anyone else? Maybe that's the distinction LOL

 

*Funny story: I did once arrive AN HOUR! early to an event. My co-workers planned an event we were to meet up at work to drive to together. I was told we were meeting at 10 am at work. I get there (10 min to 10 am in my normal fashion) and there are only two people there in the office. They started laughing because I missed the memo that the REAL meet time was 11 am. We had one chick that was notoriously one hour late to everything. She seriously was one hour late to everything even work. They put out the invite for "her" and everyone else was told separately not to arrive until 11 but I missed that memo somehow. Sure enough Miss Late arrived at 11 am and we left. Ughhhh LOL

 

I was once late to a military event because I couldn't decide if it was an on the dot thing, or a social rules thing.  I strategically say on my barracks steps to look and see when my CO showed up.  As it turned out, he came in the back door and I didn't see him!  I ended up going at ten after the start time anyway, but I was about the first person aside from a few old school officers, and he was freaking out because he thought everyone was late.

[gardenmom5]

TBH I don't care about legally drunk, all that much - only for thinking about legally allowed to drive.  And for myself, I do not drive well before I am legally impaired, but that isn't when I consider myself to be drunk.

 

 

At a dinner party, one is typically eating while drinking. To teach our children (as older teens,not little kids) about the affect of alcohol, we did some experimenting with learning about blood alcohol levels (too long to explain here what we did but getting drunk was not involved). At that point, if I had two drinks over a two hour period, I was well below the legal level of .08, however I would still not drive when I've had more than one unless there has been a couple of hours since I finished the second one.

 

 

honestly - I dont' care about what someone drinks. I can have (and have had) pleasant dinners with other's who enjoy their aperitif, wine with dinner, etc.

 

  I *care* about people getting obnoxious and unpleasant to those around them because they drink more than they tolerate - and keep drinking, whether in a private home,  or a restaurant.

[Murphy101]

Drunk or not, I get cranky if someone is being obnoxious and unpleasant, give me a happy or mello drunk over those other people any day if I have to choose one or the other.

[gypsymama]

I was once late to a military event because I couldn't decide if it was an on the dot thing, or a social rules thing.  I strategically say on my barracks steps to look and see when my CO showed up.  As it turned out, he came in the back door and I didn't see him!  I ended up going at ten after the start time anyway, but I was about the first person aside from a few old school officers, and he was freaking out because he thought everyone was late.

 

LOL maybe it was just the group we knew then. :) 

[gypsymama]

The drunk thing: I think it really depends on the event and the guests. We actually eloped to get married and had a two part wedding reception for just this reason. The first part was normal reception, cake and all, food, NO alcohol at all allowed. The second part was drinking for adults only portion. We did this intentionally because MIL and step-FIL are drunks as well as multiple other unsavory family members that can't hold their liquor. The two parts meant they could be included without worry over the alcohol but we still were able to have a "party" later with friends. I actually sent out two separate invitations showing a 30 min gap between the two parties. Extra benefit meant this gave friends/family with small kids an opportunity to leave and take kids to a sitter if they chose to involve the kids but not have them around drinking, didn't want to pay a sitter for a long event, etc. Everyone invited to the second portion knew the reasoning and what to expect. It worked out great! Everyone actually liked the way it was planned and I got a lot of compliments on it.

 

*Of course I went through all that trouble and the exceptional MIL didn't even come. Ugh.