Daily crying and emotional outbursts from 10 year old

[AppleGreen]

I just cannot handle it anymore. It is wearing on me. It has been almost a daily occurrence for weeks (months?). I started keeping track, but it was too depressing. I am sure some of it is hormonal, but I am not really able to parent/school effectively because I honestly cannot handle the daily multiple outbursts. It is not one subject; it seems like every subject elicits this response, although math is the worst. It definitely has to do with frustration, but also when expected to work independently. After about the 5th meltdown this morning, I just got up and walked out of the room. The response was to run upstairs and sit in the bedroom crying, "I hate myself. Why can't I stop crying? No one loves me. I just want to be around people, but no one wants to be around me." I do feel badly that I need some space from the hysterics, but I have offered suggestions, read a book (everything was fine in that interlude), snuggled and hugged, but as soon as the expectation is to be on task, the other shoe drops. 

 

I am actually strongly considering school at this point. I have waffled back and forth all year. We still have some very specific areas to address in 5th grade, but at this point, I just want a break. I want to not deal with the hysterics every day. This child does have two days at outside programs and does not have this issue, although those programs are not really academic, more enrichment. Maybe we just need to change the narrative for a bit? (My strong hesitation is this child has some anxiety stuff that I think may magnify in a school environment, and I really do want to hit a couple of next year that I think will get overlooked in a school setting).

 

I hate being held hostage by one kid's emotions. Of my four children, I have two that have this tendency, although it manifests differently for each of them. It is so draining.

[prairiewindmomma]

I think it's time to go in and evaluate the anxiety more closely. No one wants to feel so out of control that meltdowns happen that often. Even just learning to cognitively reframe that for herself can be a valuable tool.  The fact that the self-hate talk has kicked in is concerning to me--better to nip that in the bud early on.

 

I have some kids who are normal highly strung children, but my kid who has a bit of anxiety too is a different matter. 

[katilac]

I agree with Prairiewind - I would be considering some cognitive therapy. It's probably a mix of anxiety and hormones, and it's best to work on it sooner rather than later.  

 

Can you ditch the formal curriculum for a bit while you get her set up to learn some new coping strategies? I would just very honestly tell her that we were going to try some informal learning for the time being, bc she will need to put a lot of her energy into learning of a different kind. That the formal curriculum would probably be back, but that you think a break from it might be beneficial to her for now.  

 

I would also be straightforward about the fact that sometimes you need to step away. It doesn't mean that you're mad at her or don't care, it's just a way of not escalating the situation and protecting your own state of mind, and staying isn't helping her. 

[katilac]

One of my teens just lost their mind at the thought of trying on some clothes, so . . . you're not alone, lol. 

[Bluegoat]

My dd11 doesn't do this daily, but fairly regularly.  I think actually about 10 to 14 is the high point for this stuff.  The "why can't I stop crying, no one loves me" stuff is very similar.  I remeber feeling this way at that age - I could tell it was crazy and out of control, but couldn't get out of it, so the feelings and the observations about them were both distressing.

[MerryAtHope]

I do think I'd consider some evaluations--both for possible anxiety, and for possible learning disabilities. Having this many outbursts sounds beyond hormones to me--it sounds like something is going on that is beyond her control. 

[Meadowlark]

Well, you're not alone. I have a 9.5 year old that is by far my most emotional child. It's draining to listen to him day after day. Just recently I've been hearing the "you're mean, you never listen to me, nobody likes me" business. I know how you feel.

[LLMom]

Are the outburst only in relation to school? Or do you see this reaction when he doesn't want to do something like chores? Has he always been a bit harder to handle? I had a difficult child that I sent to school (who also has some learning issues) and she was good as gold for them. But you won't know that until you try. (And remember any decision you make isn't permanent) I totally understand feeling like you can't do it anymore. It is draining. I agree evaluation may be the best route.

[PeterPan]

It might be putting the dc in school would just transfer the problem to school.  You say you "still have some very specific areas to address."  You mean the dc is behind in some areas?  Maybe it's time for evals?  Sometimes when you get evals it points you to better materials.  

 

You can get evals privately with a psychologist, or your ps can do it.  You make a written request and that starts the legal timeline for the process.  Federal law requires them to do the evals if you're in the US.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

That can be hugely draining.

 

1.  I agree with evaluations.  There could be a whole host of things going on here that could be addressed and not only make all of your lives easier but also give your child a fighting chance at normal functionality. Absolutely look into scheduling a full evaluation if you possibly can.  If you can swing it, I would go with a neuropsychology evaluation (private, usually more in depth, etc.) and those can have long lead times so shop around for someone that doesn't just toss numbers at you but gives you a thorough analysis of the data, look at the amount they charge and what that gets you and make certain you are comparing apples to apples.  Get on the schedule.  If somehow things improve before the appointment you can always cancel.  If you can't swing a private one then go through the school.  Write a letter tonight and turn it in tomorrow if the school district is still open tomorrow.  That starts the clock running.

 

2.  In the meantime, has your child had a full physical with a pediatrician?  Including checking for things like hypoglycemia?  I ask because there are a lot of physical issues that can cause those mood swings, especially under stress, that have nothing to do with just normal hormone changes.  If the child is dealing with something like hypoglycemia, that can be addressed (and should be or they may end up facing some serious health issues).

 

3.  Putting them in school may very well cause more issues or it could help tremendously.  No way to know for certain unless you try.  I would keep it as a possibility.  Some kids really do much better in a very structured environment with outside instructors and peers (DS is one of those and I deeply regret that we had to pull him out to homeschool him, but at the time we honestly had little choice).

 

You are burned out and exhausted and your nerves are frayed.  You are in survival mode.  It is hard to function in a productive forward path while in survival mode.  BTDT.  It is not a good place to be.  Absolutely get evaluations and a full physical if you possibly can.  Get answers.  It may help both of you tremendously.  Huge hugs and best wishes.  Sending positive vibes your way.

[Ravin]

I just cannot handle it anymore. It is wearing on me. It has been almost a daily occurrence for weeks (months?). I started keeping track, but it was too depressing. I am sure some of it is hormonal, but I am not really able to parent/school effectively because I honestly cannot handle the daily multiple outbursts. It is not one subject; it seems like every subject elicits this response, although math is the worst. It definitely has to do with frustration, but also when expected to work independently. After about the 5th meltdown this morning, I just got up and walked out of the room. The response was to run upstairs and sit in the bedroom crying, "I hate myself. Why can't I stop crying? No one loves me. I just want to be around people, but no one wants to be around me." I do feel badly that I need some space from the hysterics, but I have offered suggestions, read a book (everything was fine in that interlude), snuggled and hugged, but as soon as the expectation is to be on task, the other shoe drops.

 

I am actually strongly considering school at this point. I have waffled back and forth all year. We still have some very specific areas to address in 5th grade, but at this point, I just want a break. I want to not deal with the hysterics every day. This child does have two days at outside programs and does not have this issue, although those programs are not really academic, more enrichment. Maybe we just need to change the narrative for a bit? (My strong hesitation is this child has some anxiety stuff that I think may magnify in a school environment, and I really do want to hit a couple of next year that I think will get overlooked in a school setting).

 

I hate being held hostage by one kid's emotions. Of my four children, I have two that have this tendency, although it manifests differently for each of them. It is so draining.

School won't fix it. It's likely to be concentrated later in the day, all saved up for you.

[AppleGreen]

Thanks all so much for your thoughtful feedback! 

 

As I was typing that yesterday, after a couple of minutes of crying, it got quiet. We had a quick errand to run, so I called dear child. When the child came downstairs after about 10 minutes, they said they had fallen asleep on their floor. I insisted on an earlier bed time (I have been kind of lax on that) and dc slept in until almost 8:30. Clearly I had a sleepy child yesterday. 

 

Now to answer some of the questions. The crying occurs namely around school and sibling interactions. The common theme is frustration. Some of the sibling stuff is just general clash of personalities. The twelve year old growing up and moving away emotionally has been difficult for my ten year old. Now that she is ten, she is leaving behind some of her childhood things, and I know that has been a very hard transition for her. The oldest and ten year old just clash. They are very similar and have always needled each other, now they are just bigger. 

 

I am certain this child has some learning glitches. I just dealt with diagnosing the older sibling this fall, so I am sure we are dealing with some similar issues. Nothing major (well, it's all relative). I am a former EC teacher, so I do see those glitches. I also choose direct instruction materials, with a phonics heavy emphasis. When I said we had areas to work on, it is not really because dc is behind. With the exception of spelling(which improved this year and happens to be an LD of my older child), I think everything is at grade level. I will know in a couple of weeks with end of year testing, but I expect to see growth across the board. I want to hit spelling hard next year and continue to focus on writing. I know the areas I want to hone in on are not areas a school is going to ficus on. My kiddo has the big skills, so they would likely not be flagged. Also, when my oldest was tested one of the things the evaluator said was that it was clear my kid had a very strong phonics foundation, as phonemic awareness tested extremely high in comparison to the other reading scores (which were closer to average/high average). I have no doubt that is because we continued to hit those skills solidly into middles school, and I know that is what my ten year old needs. I am not opposed to testing and it is something we will be doing, but it will probably be closer to next year.

 

And emotional management around frustration has been a long standing issue for this child. Honestly, this year was markedly better than last year, which was better than 2nd grade. It has only been the last few weeks that it has really amped up. This child is very sensitive to lack of sleep and hunger. I often forget this in the heat of the moment and that is on me. I need to be better about anticipating, especially the food piece and helping her learn to identify what she needs. Like I said, we have made a lot of progress this year. I also need to work hard at responding with love and calmness. 

 

We talked yesterday after the storm. I reiterated that I loved her and when I left it was just because I needed a break. She told me, "Sometimes I need a hug, but I don't know how to say it." She says she does not know why she gets so upset sometimes. Today math was fine. She said she decided she wasn't going to get upset and felt a strong sense of accomplishment when she was able to meet that goal.  

 

Hope I answered everyone's questions. Thanks again for the great food for thought. 

[AppleGreen]

School won't fix it. It's likely to be concentrated later in the day, all saved up for you.

Yes, in my heart, I know that. Thank you for the reminder.

[happypamama]

Learning issues or not, some of that just seems to be normal for the age.  Who knew boys were so moody too? 

[LearningByDoing]

It's certainly tough, but it does get better. I would, too, encourage you to analyse this anxiety a little closer. On the academic side, perhaps it can be handled with a change in teaching style. Not every kid can learn in the same way, and the frustration might be largely due to that. The self hate and wanting to be around others, but feeling that no one likes him/her....that is more concerning. I think that can be a big problem with homeschooling, but perhaps more educational outings with other homeschoolers could help? Going to the science museum, library, a farm to pick strawberries and learn how they grow, etc. This of course all means extra work, time, and attention, but could be helpful to try. 

 

And yes, some of it can be hormonal and I think in general there are a lot of developmental things starting around this age that is just so confusing. There is a lot of feeling things that you can't understand and getting frustrated or feeling anxious simply because you can't identify what's going on. I would say trying to take the time to talk things out and ask him/her what they are feeling, why they think they feel that way. It is exhausting and it is hard, but it could help you get down to the root of it. 

 

I know that I actually had some problems just before and during puberty (I think will all did). And I did have moments where I would sit on the floor crying, and have absolutely no idea why I was crying, or how to stop. And also have moments of being so angry and frustrated and not completely sure why. It is a really confusing time. There is so much sensory input and stimuli, and so many new changes in your body chemistry.....I think we all go a little crazy at this point. 

 

Try to answer this with care and compassion, as much as your own exhaustion can allow, and take heart in knowing that it won't last forever. And really try to counteract the negative talk and thoughts. 

[katilac]

Learning issues or not, some of that just seems to be normal for the age.  Who knew boys were so moody too? 

 

I've sponsored a lot of teen activities over the years, and I cannot fathom why it is teen girls who have the reputation for being moody and dramatic, lol. 

 

Edited: because I may be a redneck, but I really don't say stuff like "I've done sponsored" 

Edited June 1, 2016 by katilac

[LearningByDoing]

I completely agree. Moodiness being reserved for women is a terrible gender stereotype. It is harmful to both sexes, because it labels women as crazy or unbalanced and men who are moody as less of a man. It is a ridiculous stereotype that needs to be done away with. We are human beings, we have emotions and hormones, period. And when you are young and dealing with confused emotions, anxiety, negative thoughts, and a lot of pressure and change, it's pretty normal for that to manifest with mood swings and tears.