Can someone just assure me that this is not normal behavior? (my mom)

[pinkmint]

So a few weeks ago my sister posted a picture of she and I when we were little and we both had haircuts that looked uneven and home-done. She wrote as a caption "Who cut our hair, they should be fired, LOL". It was meant to be a lighthearted remark. 

 

My mom saw that and furiously texted my sister a lot of things along the lines of insulting her kids (my sister's kids/ my moms grandkids) and saying never to speak to her again. My sister reached out to my mom a week/ couple weeks later and my mom told her "You can go f*** yourself"

 

This is not unusual behavior for my mom. She doesn't have any official mental/ emotional condition (not like she'd agree to get looked at anyway). She's just always been like this. She's held down jobs and knows how to act normal when she needs to but she is famous for telling people to "f*** off" etc. at the slightest offense. 

 

This is a woman who used to give her boyfriend money for meth while my sister and I had no groceries to eat as children. As you might imagine, there's a lot more she put us through. So a lighthearted "burn" about a childhood haircut send her into a rage spiral, and it seems obvious to me that it touches on some much deeper stuff she doesn't want to deal with. She's never acknowledged any wrong doing in our growing up years. Which... whatever. I don't expect her to at this point, but we have to deal with explosions like this and getting told to "go f***" ourselves. 

 

I guess I just need a reminder that this is not normal. I know I'm delusional, but I still hold out hope that I could have some kind of loving mother/ daughter relationship and that my kids could have a normal grandparent relationship. There's a good chance I will delete this. Just reaching out. 

[hjffkj]

Not normal and you don't have to put up with it.

[zoobie]

I disagree that she lacks a mental condition. Look into borderline personality disorder or narcissism. Or something along those lines. Not to excuse her abusive behavior by any means. It's not normal and not something you should subject yourself to.

[TranquilMind]

(deleted)

 

What? MOMS talk like that? 

 

That is so far outside my realm of experience, I just can hardly believe it, but then I had a prim and proper post-war, Donna Reed type mom. 

 

Wow.  Sorry, and no, this is not normal at all and the trigger was very benign.   We all get angry, but some things you just have to restrain. 

 

[Bambam]

I'm sorry. Not normal. I don't even know what to say. ((hugs))

[umsami]

No, 100% not normal.  Will not quote but sounds like there could be some personality disorder going on with your Mom (armchair dx of borderline, but who knows.)

 

I'm sorry.  :grouphug:   I hope you and your sister have a good relationship and can support each other. 

[hornblower]

Mom is out of line. 

But honestly, I think your sis's comment was cruel too.

 

Parents carry tons of burdens and no matter how screwed up they are, they at some level are trying and nobody wants to be judged and found wanting.

 

These types of jokes are ok only in families which have a history of laughing at certain issues. It doesn't sound like you have that. Unless something is a funny inside family joke which the parent has already expressed with humor and self-deprecation, I think comments like this can hurt. 

She must know already you guys don't think much of how she parented you years ago. Endless reminders of it don't help you guys build a relationship now. Your issues would be better served by discussing with a therapist. You can still have a relationship with your mother but you would have to decide to let go of certain expectations. She might change or not. You can't control that. You either accept or you don't. 

[EMS83]

No, she is not responding normally, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with that.  You are free to distance yourselves, if you choose.  You can be respectful from a distance.   :grouphug:

[Hen]

no that was not normal. Even if the comment touched a sore spot for her, a normal person would wince inside but laugh along anyways, or maybe get serious and apologize for the past.  I wouldn't subject myself to this, and certainly not my kids.  I think you need some boundaries to protect yourself from further hurt.

 

This is said from the perspective of having my mother say to me on the phone..." Merry Christmas or whatever the F** you celebrate"

 

....so, solidarity, sister!

 

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

Not normal.  

 

My mom goes off and then hangs up the phone.  And she's told everyone at her church about my being so evil b/c when we went to an event there multiple people commented about how nice I was and not what they expected.  Busted mom!

 

In fact yesterday I called and she's mad.  you can tell in her tone and shortness.  Apparently she has forgotten I called her back about something.  She believes I haven't called her back.  So she's mad.  Will be mad for months.  And I did call. I can prove it by phone records, but who cares.  She's losing her mind.  

 

And it scares me.  Will I become like that?  Hanging up on people when they make me mad?  My sister does it but in person.  She will go on and on about something knowing it is against your opinions, then refuse to let you talk, screams and walks out the room.  It's baffling.  I take more after my dad and I pray I won't become this raving lunatic who screams and walks away or hangs up the phone on people I love.  

 

 

[Laurie4b]

The realm of normal would include:

 

Some moms would laugh, too. "Yeah, I gave lousy haircuts." There would be no relationship damage.

 

Normal could also include a mom's feelings being hurt (especially a mom who tried her best) , a normal mom could possibly feeling betrayed because it was posted for the world to see on FB, and a normal mom might express irritation or anger to the adult child who did it. Normal expression of anger proportionate to the situation might be: "That hurt my feelings. I was the one who cut your hair/took you to the hairdresser." or "I really tried to keep you girls looking nice/or I was embarrassed because we were poor that I couldn't keep you girls looking nice. It embarrassed me to see it posted on FB." 

 

Abnormal range: blowing it all out of proportion, telling your sis to F off, cutting off communication, insulting children and grandchildren.  So no, your mother's response was not normal because it was so utterly disproportional to the offense.

 

There are some offenses that do warrant cutting off communication (e.g. being on the receiving end of abuse), but not that. There are some offenses for which normal people would understand (maybe not condone, but understand) a "F off", but not that. There are some circumstances in which people could also understand returning an insult when you've felt insulted. Insulting innocent grandchildren is not understandable in any way in a normal scheme of things.

 

 

[MinivanMom]

Not normal on your mom's part. Your sister wasn't posting about the meth or the hunger; she posted an awkward haircut picture. Everyone has awkward haircut pictures. Your mom's reaction was way out of line.

 

It is very normal, though, for your sister to want to talk about her childhood experiences. I had some similar experiences growing up, and my siblings and I love to tell crazy stories about our childhood and laugh about the things we went through. It's very therapeutic. We only do this with each other, though. Maybe you and your sister need a monthly lunch where you can get together to talk about the crazy in your childhood. It really does help to talk and laugh with someone who lived through it with you and can acknowledge that it all actually happened.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Normal people don't act like that a few weeks later, even if their feelings were hurt.

[pinkmint]

Mom is out of line. 

 

But honestly, I think your sis's comment was cruel too.

 

Parents carry tons of burdens and no matter how screwed up they are, they at some level are trying and nobody wants to be judged and found wanting.

 

These types of jokes are ok only in families which have a history of laughing at certain issues. It doesn't sound like you have that. Unless something is a funny inside family joke which the parent has already expressed with humor and self-deprecation, I think comments like this can hurt. 

 

She must know already you guys don't think much of how she parented you years ago. Endless reminders of it don't help you guys build a relationship now. Your issues would be better served by discussing with a therapist. You can still have a relationship with your mother but you would have to decide to let go of certain expectations. She might change or not. You can't control that. You either accept or you don't. 

 

 I can understand where this is coming from. My kids growing up to not like me, and point out my failures is a fear of mine. 

 

At the same time, how do you even know where to start in having a relationship with a mom like this? I won't say it's right but I'll just be honest in saying it feels like adding insult to injury to have had a childhood so messed up that no one you know even has a frame of reference for the type of stuff you went through, and then have to tip toe around the feelings of the person who caused much of it. It's hard, let's just say that. 

 

There's about a zero percent chance she's willing to go to counseling or anything of that nature, based on how things have been so far. So I don't know how productive it is to expect something like that. It just leaves me in a hard place not knowing how to handle this relationship. I'm not expecting anyone on here to figure it out for me. Just talking. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well it might be her normal, but you are not crazy for feeling as you do.  She sounds like a challenging person to deal with.

 

 

[SproutMamaK]

Definitely not normal, and I'll add my voice to the "probably has a personality disorder of some kind" choir, although I agree that's not particular helpful if she would never agree to get diagnosed. It may help you take her behaviour less personally, however.

I don't agree with some PPs that your sister's comment was in any way hurtful. It was a light-hearted joke about a bad haircut that she clearly felt didn't actually feel hurt or upset about or she would not have posted in on social media. It's alone the same lines as "Oh gosh, do you remember those neon pink fuzzy leg warmers we wore in the 80's? What were we thinking?!" If someone takes that personally, that has nothing to do with wrongdoing on the part of the person who posted it.

[G5052]

Sounds just like my narcissistic mother. I never could tell what would set her off, and after awhile I gave up. When she had a fit, I'd just refuse any interaction. Sometimes the anger would go on for weeks.

 

Ultimately you have to accept that you don't have a normal relationship, and likely never will. Find your fulfillment elsewhere.

[Spryte]

I'm sorry. Not normal.

 

Wish I could share my own mom with you.

 

((Hugs))

[Katy]

There's a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Go take a look at the description, reviews, and first couple pages and see if this sounds like her.

 

Not that everyone who acts that way has BPD.  Sometimes they have a different personality disorder.  Sometimes they have severe depression and acting this way is temporary, and only happens when depressed.

 

But yeah, not normal at all.

[hornblower]

 

 

There's about a zero percent chance she's willing to go to counseling or anything of that nature, based on how things have been so far. So I don't know how productive it is to expect something like that. It just leaves me in a hard place not knowing how to handle this relationship. I'm not expecting anyone on here to figure it out for me. Just talking. 

 

I didn't suggest that she would or should go to counselling.

 

I said YOU should. I think it's all on you. I'm suggesting you go to counselling. You take responsibility for your responses, you draw the lines you want around this relationship.  

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Tanaqui]

It's not normal, and it's not something you have to put up with.

[SKL]

I agree that it's not normal.  Sorry you have to deal with that.

 

Does she at least get over herself after cooling down?

 

My mom has said "go f- yourself" but jokingly.  Sounds like your mom wasn't joking.

[Truscifi]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Not at all normal.

[catz]

Overreaction much?  I don't consider that normal at all.  I think given the history, I'd be cutting off contact.

 

If you can't joke about a bad haircut you got as a kid, that's just so extreme I can't imagine having an enjoyable relationship with that person offended by that at all.  The fact that she was financing a meth habit makes it about 1000X worse.  You're not responsible for her lack of mental health and sanity or any guilt she feels.

[TammyS]

 .... and then have to tip toe around the feelings of the person who caused much of it. It's hard, let's just say that. 

 

. 

 

My mother was a lot like what you're describing (and still is, though not with me anymore, because I've trained her how to treat me).   So I'm telling you...you DO NOT have to tip toe around the feelings of people who cause you pain.  There is no requirement for that.  And she will never stop being this way with you unless you teach her your boundaries.  You can't change her.  Don't get me wrong.  But you can change the behavior that you choose to subject yourself to.  Once you firmly put those boundaries in place, and let her throw herself against the wall half a dozen times, only to find that the wall isn't moving....she will either change her behavior, or she will go away.  In either case, you will have stopped subjecting yourself to this and taught your children how to teach others to treat them.

[zoobie]

I can understand where this is coming from. My kids growing up to not like me, and point out my failures is a fear of mine.

 

At the same time, how do you even know where to start in having a relationship with a mom like this? I won't say it's right but I'll just be honest in saying it feels like adding insult to injury to have had a childhood so messed up that no one you know even has a frame of reference for the type of stuff you went through, and then have to tip toe around the feelings of the person who caused much of it. It's hard, let's just say that.

 

There's about a zero percent chance she's willing to go to counseling or anything of that nature, based on how things have been so far. So I don't know how productive it is to expect something like that. It just leaves me in a hard place not knowing how to handle this relationship. I'm not expecting anyone on here to figure it out for me. Just talking.

You can go to therapy yourself to learn how to let go and heal. :grouphug:

[hornblower]

I don't agree with some PPs that your sister's comment was in any way hurtful. It was a light-hearted joke about a bad haircut that she clearly felt didn't actually feel hurt or upset about or she would not have posted in on social media. It's alone the same lines as "Oh gosh, do you remember those neon pink fuzzy leg warmers we wore in the 80's? What were we thinking?!" If someone takes that personally, that has nothing to do with wrongdoing on the part of the person who posted it.

I assumed it wasn't about fashion but rather a bad home haircut. Then it's about the care that the mother gave the children.  If it's about a terrible home haircut, it's probably also about poverty or lack of access to certain things... it goes to critiquing a parent's abilities, not just fashions or whims. 

 

What if our homeschooled children post 30 years from now: "Found a box of old schoolwork. Look at my awful handwriting! My teacher should have been fired." 

 

"Look, I found my old math books! What a stupid curriculum. How could anyone think that was a good idea??? No wonder I struggled so much later." 

 

Would that be funny? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe if as time passed on and you were open to laughing at the mistakes you'd made.

 

 

But in this case, it sounds like everyone knows there is no such relationship. 

 

If you already know it, why poke the bear? Except to prove that they're still a bear? Poke. Yup. They still are.

At some point, we have to grow up and accept it and decide what kind of relationship is possible given that we don't control the other person, only our own responses. 

Edited April 27, 2016 by hornblower

[Rachel]

It's not normal, but you also aren't alone.

 

I wish I had some great advice for you but I don't.

[ktgrok]

Not normal. My mom might get upset if I posted that, and message me asking me to take it down. Might even say her feelings were hurt, she did her best, etc etc. But she certainly wouldn't cut me out of her life over a freaking Facebook post!

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's very challenging to know what is normal when you are so used to certain behaviors.  I often have this problem because growing up my "normal" in my family was quite different.  So even now I sometimes don't notice certain things as not being normal.  Of course what is normal?  It's relative which is why I said that's her normal.  Really you might have to start worrying when she acts super nice.  Hehe..

[pinkmint]

What if our homeschooled children post 30 years from now: "Found a box of old schoolwork. Look at my awful handwriting! My teacher should have been fired." 

"Look, I found my old math books! What a stupid curriculum. How could anyone think that was a good idea??? No wonder I struggled so much later." 

 

Would that be funny? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe if as time passed on and you were open to laughing at the mistakes you'd made.

 

 

But in this case, it sounds like everyone knows there is no such relationship. 

 

 

I guess the keyword is "relationship". 

 

It's my hope that I am building the kind of relationship with my kids where they wouldn't post stuff on social media that insults my best and honest parenting efforts. My mom never forged any sort of relationship with us. And now that she's aging and doesn't have much else going on (fading beauty, can't attract the men) she wants to cash in on something she didn't invest in. She wants a relationship, but one where we have to pretend the past doesn't exist. 

 

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that it's not surprising my sister made that remark about our hair. It wasn't the best idea for her to say that. It just feels tame compared to some stuff we could say like "Saw a crackpipe on the sidewalk today. Brings back memories of mom's boyfriend from when I was in 4th grade." or "Saw a cockroach today. Reminds me of how mom used to tell us that we kids are like cockroaches in her life."

[Farrar]

Not normal.

 

It doesn't really matter to me if the sis was out of line or not. It's a massive overreaction at best. And that means not normal.

[luuknam]

 I can understand where this is coming from. My kids growing up to not like me, and point out my failures is a fear of mine. 

 

At the same time, how do you even know where to start in having a relationship with a mom like this? I won't say it's right but I'll just be honest in saying it feels like adding insult to injury to have had a childhood so messed up that no one you know even has a frame of reference for the type of stuff you went through, and then have to tip toe around the feelings of the person who caused much of it. It's hard, let's just say that.

 

Have separate facebook accounts for friends and family. Siblings and other family members you're friends with can be on both. Mom obviously shouldn't be on the friends one, nor even know the friends one exists. That way you/your sister can joke about bad haircuts, and mom doesn't have to be exposed to it with the resulting lashing out.

 

No, your mother's response isn't normal. But, it sounds like she's been under a lot of stress, and is probably still feeling quite stressed, and stressed out people are more likely to lash out and less likely to see the humor in things. I don't know the full background, but when someone mentions some things I get a PTSD-like reaction, and it's not good, even if it might be funny for most people. So, yeah, obviously it was wrong for her to finance her boyfriend's meth habit rather than feed y'all, but I don't know why she did that - he might have been abusive in threatening to hurt her or her kids if she didn't, etc. Leaving doesn't always seem like a viable option to people who obviously should just leave. And/or maybe she has some serious mental health issues. It doesn't matter. Just separate communications so you can talk freely among friends and friendly family members, and only say superficial happy stuff around her. If she's not willing to go to therapy, you probably can't have a real relationship with her, so just pretend she's an acquaintance or something - "great weather huh? Blah blah, it was nice to see you".

[Garga]

What would it be like if you totally cut her out of your life? Is there any reason not to? Does she do something for you that you need? Is she terrible to you and your sister but wonderful with your kids?

 

Would it be a welcome relief to cut off all contact?

 

Being related doesn't give someone a free pass to be cruel to you for the rest of your life.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Again, this is NORMAL for her.  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the very definition of you know what.

 

You know she would flip and yet you posted that thing.  You are also setting yourself up.

 

edited..oops

Edited April 27, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[luuknam]

Oh, and btw... it might in a way be more painful than some of the worse things you could've said, since she actually cut your hair, so it was a moment she actually tried (even if the result looked bad). She (presumably) knows that calling you cockroaches wasn't her finest moment, but given that she could've just ignored your hair altogether, she might feel like cutting your hair *was* one of her better parenting moments. Having one of your better parenting moments thrown under the bus would hurt.

[ktgrok]

Oh, and btw... it might in a way be more painful than some of the worse things you could've said, since she actually cut your hair, so it was a moment she actually tried (even if the result looked bad). She (presumably) knows that calling you cockroaches wasn't her finest moment, but given that she could've just ignored your hair altogether, she might feel like cutting your hair *was* one of her better parenting moments. Having one of your better parenting moments thrown under the bus would hurt.

 

Yes, but when a normal, sane person is hurt by someone they love they say so, they don't cut off all contact after swearing at you. 

[heartlikealion]

I'm going to approach this from another angle. I think that the most useful questions might not be reflected on in the OP.

 

Were her feelings hurt? Anger comes from hurt. I'd say yes.

Did anyone apologize to her?

Do you care to have a relationship with her?

Was this Facebook post seen by all your sister's friends, etc? Sounds like she was publicly humiliated.

 

Do you think publicly humiliating someone deserves an apology? Or no because intent was not to do so and/or you guys think she "deserved it" for the bad history.

 

I think whether or not you guys think she deserved this/didn't mean harm, you should think about how it hurt her. If I was going to make jokes like that and didn't want to hear/see her reaction, I would hide the post. If the point was to get a reaction from her, then you guys got it and shouldn't be surprised if this happens a lot.

 

I guess I'm sympathizing too much with the mom here maybe because I have a really hard time controlling myself when I get angry. I've said some things that I would consider verbally abusive to a few people and am not proud of it. Having a slew of people point out that it's not normal doesn't really help. It just makes me think, "duh" and/or "well, maybe it's not that easy/black and white..."

Edited April 27, 2016 by heartlikealion

[creekland]

 I can understand where this is coming from. My kids growing up to not like me, and point out my failures is a fear of mine. 

 

At the same time, how do you even know where to start in having a relationship with a mom like this? I won't say it's right but I'll just be honest in saying it feels like adding insult to injury to have had a childhood so messed up that no one you know even has a frame of reference for the type of stuff you went through, and then have to tip toe around the feelings of the person who caused much of it. It's hard, let's just say that. 

 

There's about a zero percent chance she's willing to go to counseling or anything of that nature, based on how things have been so far. So I don't know how productive it is to expect something like that. It just leaves me in a hard place not knowing how to handle this relationship. I'm not expecting anyone on here to figure it out for me. Just talking. 

 

Ok, her response was not good at all, but if one defines normal as common, then it's far more common than you might be thinking (not a majority, but there are others in your boat).  I work at a public school.  I hear about all sorts of parents.  What you've written about her parenting is not anywhere in the good realm, but unfortunately, there are others from a similar mold.

 

But how much it affect you now is up to you, not her.  You know the way she is.  It likely is a mental disorder and at the very least she's so ingrained in her habit that she's unlikely to change.

 

When my dad does things, I'm able to internally roll my eyes and say "that's dad" and not let it get to me.  Not everyone can do that.  I have kept him in my life rather than chucking him out, but he is nowhere near the same position my mom is in.  He's grateful I'll listen (weekly or so) and get together once or twice a year, and likely oblivious to my feelings about the present or past because, of course, he's perfect.  He doesn't see his lies or find fault in skipping my graduations or wedding or turning us away when I brought the kids to visit as being anything "off" since his reasons for the above are solid (to him).  Heck, he might even have false memories of things happening or not happening.  Scratch the "might."  He was telling me about one yesterday (sigh).

 

You have to decide if you're able to say "that's mom" and blame it on her mental illness so you can (sort of) enjoy some time with her or if you don't care to do that.  None of us have the right to judge you either way.

 

Keep the relationship with your sister.  Shared things like that can be a great bond.  IME, only those who have BTDT (or very similar things) can truly understand.  They're worth gold when needing to share.

[heartlikealion]

Yes, but when a normal, sane person is hurt by someone they love they say so, they don't cut off all contact after swearing at you. 

 

You've never known someone that wouldn't say, "you hurt me"? LOTS of people get hurt and don't verbalize it eloquently or at all. It's more of a passive aggressive reaction or outburst. Not saying this is right. But if the mom viewed the interaction as toxic then other people might say "remove toxic relationship from your life" and urge her to cut off contact. When a kid says there's a bully at school don't lots of people say, "walk away"? So swearing aside, I think people do sometimes just distance themselves rather than have a heart to heart.

[luuknam]

Yes, but when a normal, sane person is hurt by someone they love they say so, they don't cut off all contact after swearing at you. 

 

I already said in my previous post that it was not a normal reaction, and that her mom may very well have serious mental health issues or w/e, so I'm not really seeing your point.

 

But, if one of my grown kids posted something derogatory on facebook about something that was "above average" for my parenting attempts, I'd be more hurt than if they posted something about a bad moment. My bad moments are 'duh'. Don't take away the 'good' moments too.

[ktgrok]

But it wasn't just her reaction in the moment, right. A week or so later she was still swearing and saying to get out of her life. 

[clementine]

Wow.  That hurts just to read it.  I am so sorry.  

 

I don't even know if I should hope that she comes around & apologizes.  

 

:grouphug:

[Garga]

I think counseling to figure out boundaries is a really good idea, though it's expensive. Maybe you need a thread about setting up boundaries to get some free advice. I have recently been figuring out how to deal with my family. For me, I like lists and due dates.

For example, here is what is on my list for contact with my parents:

1. Call every other month. Put it on the calendar.
2. Send gift cards for b-day and mothers/father's day. Send physical gift for Christmas.
3. Send an email once a month. Put it on the calendar.
4. If I get an email from them, respond within 2 hours.
5. Email/Facebook pictures of the kids every 4 months. Put it on the calendar.

For me, my issue isn't cutting contact. My issue is that my parents and I ignore each other. We both get our feelings hurt when we're ignored, yet we keep ignoring each other. I'm tired of the guilt I feel when I realize 6 months have gone by and I haven't had any contact with my parents. Nope, they haven't contacted me either, so along with my guilt, I feel sad and neglected. It's so ridiculous.

I'm tired of feeling guilty, sad, and neglected, so I created the above list. Honestly, I just created it this week. And I feel wonderful about it! Now I know exactly what to do and when.

You might benefit from a list like mine, but opposite. Instead of creating a list where you contact your mother more, you create a list where you contact her less. Yours might say, "Block mom on FB. Don't answer phone during school hours. Do not invite to kids' birthday parties." I think my ideas are pretty lame in your situation, but I'll bet you that other people here would have great ideas.

Edited April 27, 2016 by Garga

[zoobie]

Wow. That hurts just to read it. I am so sorry.

 

I don't even know if I should hope that she comes around & apologizes.

 

:grouphug:

IME, the only reason they do is to be able to cut you down again later. :(

[pinkmint]

It was actually an instagram post. I don't have a facebook account so I don't know what goes on there. I know my sister did delete the caption after my mom got upset but she didn't apologize that I know of.

 

What will happen now most likely is that my mom will be hostile and distant for a while and then make contact one day and act like nothing happened. And then the next thing will happen.

 

I appreciate the feedback. I do also want to know if my sister's behavior was out of line too. Editef to add: I want us to be responsible for our own behavior even if our mom won't be.

 

Seems like boundaries are an important thing here. I've cut my mom off completely for stretches of time. Right now I have a surfacey relationship with her and communicate almost only through texting. I send pics of my kids. But I have trouble with keeping boundaries where they should be.

Edited April 27, 2016 by pinkmint

[Carol in Cal.]

Mom is not normal, but the original post about the haircuts was a dig (assuming that GMa was the hair cutter).  The dig does not justify the overreaction, but a mature person wouldn't have taken that crack at what sounds like a fairly rare attempt at being a good parent.  But the overreaction is waaaay over the top.

 

Regarding how to have a relationship going forward, I would first ask whether she is still using?  If so, you never know who you are talking to, and you have to protect yourself, big time.  If not, I would say to first let go of your expectations that she will take responsibility for her extreme failures, and take things minute by minute.  That's really really hard!  But if you can manage it, then you will be able to *see* whether having a relationship is something that she is even remotely capable of, and whether you really want to or not.  In the meantime, I'd be extremely cautious about involving your kids.  I'd keep it pretty superficial, meet in public spaces, be ready to leave quickly, kids in tow if they must be along.  Take it slow.  

 

 

[heartlikealion]

But it wasn't just her reaction in the moment, right. A week or so later she was still swearing and saying to get out of her life. 

 

Ok that seems like enough time for a lot of people to cool off. I get that. But a week is also not a lot of time to heal if someone deeply hurt you. I am guessing the mom is way more sensitive than she lets on and how she deals with that is to be mean. Sorry, not really trying to say it's OK, but rather, that it's not hard to believe someone could be upset about something from a week or so ago. Also, if the mom cusses often, then swearing is not a good indication of anger level.

[heartlikealion]

It was actually an instagram post. I don't have a facebook account so I don't know what goes on there. I know my sister did delete the caption after my mom got upset but she didn't apologize that I know of.

 

What will happen now most likely is that my mom will be hostile and distant for a while and then make contact one day and act like nothing happened. And then the next thing will happen.

 

I appreciate the feedback. I do also want to know if my sister's behavior was out of line too.

 

I see. Well, your sister's dig (using another poster's term. I agree) was out of line if she knows that it would be seen as a dig.

 

I am sorry your family went through such a rough time. I don't mean to sound insensitive to that. I'm just thinking of the whole anger stems from hurt thing and how deep down your mother is probably hurting and doesn't know how to deal with her baggage. Yes, she probably should see someone about it and I can understand it might be impossible to get her to do that.