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Do I mention this or just let it go?


fairfarmhand
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I'd like to say I would be happy she had a wonderful time and a dress is just a dress, is replaceable. But, honestly, I would be very hurt if it was ruined. When you make something, spends hours working on it, put love into it, it's more than just a dress. I don't know what I would say, but she would know by the look on my face I was upset. I 'might' say something later, but I wouldn't want her to think the dress was more important than her. Still, I don't see anything wrong with letting my children know when they've hurt my feelings just as I want them to let me know if I hurt them.

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I felt the same, once.

 

I had put in many, many hours making a wedding dress for someone dear to me. Hours I did not have to give. Hours stolen from sleep and from other important priorities. I did it because I care about this person and I wanted her to have her dream wedding gown.

 

A couple months after the wedding I saw it in a draggled heap in a messy closet. She hadn't had it cleaned after the wedding. Seeing it like that was like an icy hand suddenly clamping on my heart. 

 

In that moment, I know my shock registered on my face. I kept calm and just said it should really be cleaned and stored. And I was treated to a lecture by the bride of how this is her dress and her right to do as she sees fit. 

 

It really hurt.

 

And it drastically affected my willingness to extend grace to that person in that or other, future interactions. 

 

 

Re your daughter's prom dress: Even if the other girls' mothers didn't spend the same hours sewing it, all of the families involved spent real money on those dresses. I think it is important to learn how to care for our things, especially when they cost money and effort. And prom or not, it's terribly rude to trash an expensive dress like that. 

 

I think a gentle but direct discussion is in order. And I would require the daughter in question to pay for professional cleaning.

 

:grouphug:

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Has she apologized? If she hasn't and this still is bothering you enough to post about it, I would ask to talk about it and tell her I was hurt, but also listen to her side. 

 

Here are some things to consider, however, that might mitigate your hurt:

 

Is your hurt because the dress was ruined or because she participated in a water fight with it and the activity doesn't suit what you had made the dress for?  (Couldn't tell from your post)  If there is nothing wrong with the dress, as another adult, I don't know why there would be hurt feelings. If it is ruined, could she have reasonably anticipated that? 

 

She wore the dress for the prom and looked beautiful in it, so it served its intended purpose. 

 

Could the water fight reasonably have been avoided? 

 

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I understand being hurt, and I really understand how hard it is to make a dress like that, but having fun was the point of the evening, and she was probably never going to wear the dress again. She probably never thought that it would hurt your feelings. I'm pretty sure it wasn't intentional.

 

I agree.  She could have sat in a corner and kept the dress pristine, but what kind of memory would that have been.  

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I think when you give a gift to someone, ideally you let it go once you give it to them.  I don't blame you at all for feeling hurt and shocked initially, but I wouldn't hold it against your dd or make a big deal out of it.  That just seems like something a group of teens would do while having fun.  It's just water and maybe the dress is really fine anyway.

 

If impulsiveness is an issue in general and not considering others feelings, that might be something to comment on and work on while she is still under your roof.  I might say "when someone gives you a gift, trashing it in front of them isn't the best way to show appreciation".

 

I also think if this is a kid that in general doesn't take care of things, next time she needs a formal, that's a $20 trip to a thrift shop instead.  Don't set yourself up for disappointment and set her up to be a disappointment.

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I am not one to hold onto things that cannot be fixed.  No matter how badly you make her feel about her choices, she cannot undo the fact that she had a water fight in it.  How long do you want her to remember that she crushed you and couldn't fix it?

 

I remember when I was about 9yo and my grandmother made me a jumper which I loved.  I played outside in it and fell and the dress caught on a nail and was ruined.  40 years later I still remember how upset my grandma was despite the fact that in my mind, it was an unavoidable accident.  Yes, I probably learned not to play outside in handmade clothes any more.  So I guess some purpose was served.  Granted, I was younger.  If I was older, I would have been all the more upset at knowing that I had created a hurt that could not be really forgiven.

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Did the water ruin the dress? I never wore any of my formal dresses again. If she'd gotten into the water fight before prom, I would be furious. She may not have really been able to avoid it, and once wet, figured oh what the heck. Or been faced with a choice of standing out of the way saying oh no I can't my mommy made my dress... Which isn't an easy thing for a teen especially one with "impulse" issues (ADHD?). Also, most kids wouldn't think water will permanently damage anything.

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Let it go.

 

Stop and think of the pure joy she and other teens had in the water fight. Just good clean kid fun with lots of laughing. Does that make you smile? You know more than she that as she graduates chances for pure fun moments like that get fewer and fewer. That is part of your send off from high school.

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Let it go.

 

She'll always have lovely memories of you working hard to make her a wonderful dress.  And she'll always have fond memories of that water fight.  Don't ruin it for her.  And realize that trashing the dress is something people do with their wedding gowns these days, not to mention their prom dresses.

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I would apologize about being upset and hurt about the dress and ask about how fun prom was. I'd do my best to get over my own feelings about the dress. The dress was a gift for a fun night, right? I never wore my prom dresses again, so that probably colors my opinion. If this was an heirloom piece you didn't want her to mess up that should have been clear beforehand, and I don't know that prom is a good occasion for that. A spontaneous water fight sounds not so abnormal for teenagers at prom. Maybe not forseeable, but not out of character.

 

As a teen it would have really hurt if I'd come from home from a great, fun, milestone event and my mom was mad about the dress she made for me to have fun in.

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I don't give people things if it is going to have strings attached.

 

I know how disappointed you must be. My son once broke a 100 year old rosewood guitar that I had fully restored after my father's death. I was so upset, but then I realized it was my own problem. I told him that I should not have given him something I had that much emotional attachment to. He was fine about giving it back to me. It turns out that he prefers a guitar that I don't even like.

 

I also realized he isn't getting my great grandfather's violin until after I pass away. He was fine with that too.

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I would probably have a conversation - but less about personal hurt, but about treating others and personal belongings with respect.  and to think through the lasting effects of what a water fight would do to the dress, and how much time and money was put into it - and now it's ruined.

it seems the idea of consequences to actions is becoming a more foreign concept, but it needs to be taught.

 

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Let it go.  Your relationship with your daughter is more important than that dress getting wet.  Hang it up to dry, hug your daughter, and ask her to tell you all about her night because it sounds like she had a great time.  I never went to my prom and I never had a close relationship with my mom.  

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I'm with those saying that you already did tell her that you were hurt about the dress.

 

I can understand your feelings, particularly about her being impulsive and not knowing when to stop.  But, things happen to clothing.  If someone else had started the water fight, and she was caught in the middle, the dress would still have gotten wet.  But would you feel differently? 

Edited by marbel
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Let it go.  It is a thing.  Things are never more important than people and relationships.  Ever.  She wore the dress as intended during prom and had a great time in it.  Did you expect her to wear it again?  I don't know of many people who wore prom dresses more than once.  My mom spent hours and hours and hours making many formal dresses for my sister.  Every last one of them got worn once and stuck in a closet.  Eventually, when she was in college, they got donated.  The hours of work was for the fun my sister had while wearing them, not to keep them pristine forever.

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One thing that's puzzling me is that some of you seem to be indicating that I am a jerk or unkind for feeling hurt about this or expressing it.

 

I did not jump all over her. I didn't get angry.

 

What it seems is that y'all are saying is that to feel hurt about this is to belittle my dd's evening and to make it about me.

 

I don't plan on saying anything further to her about this, unless she specifically asks.

 

I don't think you were in the wrong for expressing your feelings about it.  Coming from a family who had terrible communication skills (if my mom was upset with me, she wouldn't talk to me for a week, and I never knew what I did wrong), I think it's good to have open lines of communication on both sides.  You express your feelings and then give her a chance to express hers---and then you move on.  To me, that teaches how to handle conflict in a healthy way.  In your initial post, you told us that you said something in passing and my advice was going to be to have this conversation but have it after you've asked her about her evening.  Don't make it a huge thing--just lightly explain why you felt the way you did and then let her respond.  I think it needs following up on. 

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I would imagine any fun and wonderful memories was ruined upon her homecoming. I'd rather ruin a dress than a child's heart. If I were her, I would be reluctant to ever accept a gift from you again. Too many strings.

Edited by MomatHWTK
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Speaking as someone who has made prom dresses, I get where you're coming from with this.  

 

Last year I made dd's prom dress; she instantly made plans on how it could be re-fashioned for future formal occasions.  Both dds appreciate the amount of work that goes into garment sewing, particularly for formal garments.  Dd wanted to maximize the usage (at least of what she perceived to be the "base") because of that.

 

I also know that when I give something away as a gift it is gone, and the recipient does what they want with it.  This is why I rarely give handmade gifts.  

 

I like that you reacted quietly to it.  My kids would've gotten the signal just from that exchange.  I think a quiet talk about not escalating/not having to "win at all costs" would be very appropriate.  

 

Honestly, my kids would get that talk if we had purchased the dress rather than made it.  It was within her control to not get wet.  Purchased or handmade, at our house the dress would be used again, whether given to someone else, re-fashioned, worn for another occasion, or something else.

 

I think it's fine that you came here to unload about this, so to speak.  It probably would've gone better if you'd done it on a sewing board, frankly.

 

And now I've got to go work on a wedding dress for one of dd's friends.  Handpicked zipper, appliquéd lace, hours of work -- but I know the recipient understands that it's hours of work.

 

EDITED TO ADD: For pete's sake, people, it's only prom!  Around here this isn't the life changing event that is the pinnacle of existence!  It's a flipping formal dance that's fun, and then you move on to other things.  Good lord, it isn't going to ruin a child's heart for something that happened because of a dance, make horrendous, life-scarring memories, etc.  

Edited by GailV
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One thing that's puzzling me is that some of you seem to be indicating that I am a jerk or unkind for feeling hurt about this or expressing it.

 

I did not jump all over her. I didn't get angry.

 

What it seems is that y'all are saying is that to feel hurt about this is to belittle my dd's evening and to make it about me.

 

I don't plan on saying anything further to her about this, unless she specifically asks.

 

I think you had an honest, immediate reaction.  That is not jerky or unkind.  It might, however, take the wind out of her sails.  Prom is a lifelong memory for many people, and hers may be marked by feelings of guilt for having hurt you so deeply.

 

I would be hurt and disappointed as a parent, but I'm pretty confident I would also feel really crappy about the look on my mother's face at the end of the night as a child.  I love my mom, but I feel like a terrible person when I think about the the things I've seen in her face over the years, whether she was reasonable or not (and she's been both.)  It stays with me, and it sucks.

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One thing that's puzzling me is that some of you seem to be indicating that I am a jerk or unkind for feeling hurt about this or expressing it.

 

I did not jump all over her. I didn't get angry.

 

What it seems is that y'all are saying is that to feel hurt about this is to belittle my dd's evening and to make it about me.

 

I don't plan on saying anything further to her about this, unless she specifically asks.

For me, the words you said you used were totally about how you felt about the dress and how it hurt you that she didn't think of your work. No, she was having a carefree, fun prom evening. A water fight is relatively innocuous fun. She was thoroughly enjoying the dress and the night. I think you were hurt about the dress and wanted her to feel bad about her actions. That's my impression from what you wrote.

 

Again, if I had come home from a fun night that included a water fight and my mom was mad or hurt about a gift she had given me, and sent me to bed instead of wanting all the fun details about my night it would have really soured the whole evening and crushed me. That would have been my memory of prom, that mom was hurt and upset. Especially if I had not done anything I considered bad at the time.

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Do I mention my personal hurt to her?

 

I don't want to belabor the point. I don't want her to think I was mad. I do wish she would take into account the feelings of others. This child is quite impulsive when with her friends about such things, especially horseplay.

 

What do you think?

 

And yes, she saw me working feverishly right up until Thursday night to complete this dress for her, putting many other things on hold to get it done in time.

 

I would think my mom was mad if she made comments like you did.  Not criticizing, just stating my opinion.  

 

We keep prom dresses in storage, but I have no idea why??  At some point I'll donate them to be used as dress-up at a day-care center, or for re-purposing the fabric by someone crafty.  

 

I understand that you put many hours of work and lots of love into the dress, but I think I'd just be happy she wore it & had a fun time.  Her memories of the dress and the evening would be enough to make me happy.  

 

She may not realize the importance and meaning of it all until she is a mom.  

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This is what happens to things around here. She has two younger sisters and they all lay claim to "When sis doesn't need that anymore I'm going to do x,y, and z with it." They all do it cheerfully and the oldest brags that she gets first dibs to everything.

 

 

I just mentioned this thread to younger dd.  She immediately pointed out that SHE HAS ALREADY WORN LAST YEAR'S PROM DRESS MULTIPLE TIMES, partly due to the fact that it fits her perfectly since it's was made specifically for her.

 

(Dd is totally on your side.)

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I think I can explain why some of us think your reaction was...  at best... cold.

 

I think it's clear, between this and other posts, that you and your eldest have different love languages.  Yours is clearly time. Most of your conflicts with her seem to involve some aspect of her not respecting your time.  You poured your time and love into a dress for her to wear, and you're hurt that she didn't respect the time you poured into it.

 

To her though, you wanted her to be beautiful and to have fun.  She was and she did.  Unless I'm mixing you up with someone else, I think you've said something in the past about her not feeling like she can do anything right with you.  By saying, "You don't act that way," you ruined it for her.  Until that moment, she'd had a wonderful time.  Instead of appreciating that and being happy for her, you pointed out another flaw of hers.  She was living in the moment and having a wonderful time until the moment you said that, then all of the sudden it was if, to her, taking care of a dress she was only ever going to wear once was more important than her and whether she had a good time or not.

 

You love in time.  If I had to guess, she feels love not from time, but from praise.  That's the disconnect.

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You probably didn't mean this in the way I am taking it, but I find this a bit condescending. And many girls had a wonderful time without water fights. It was my daughter and a handful of her friends who did this.

 

What happened was she inadvertently got a flick of water on her from a friend. In retaliation, she gave a giant splash and it went on from there.This is her SOP. She retaliates to stuff (jokingly) and always has to come out on top. She can't let things go.

 

What I wish is that she'd understand that this habit of hers, to not let stuff go is hurtful at times.

 

For instance, once she went so far as to slap a guy friend across the face.

 

Later on, I told her that was completely unfair, although the guy was a good sport about it. He was too much of a gentleman to retaliate. IT was unfair of her to take it to that level because 1. facial slaps are totally insulting and unkind, and 2 she took it to a level where he couldn't go.

 

So maybe I need to let the stuff with the prom dress go and start working on some other social skills stuff, like knowing when to quit.

 

 

I'd agree to a couple things

 

1. I'd have been horrified and hurt and angry - because it isn't about the dress.  It *feels* like it is an act of utter unappreciation.

 

2. As a teen I'd have done the same thing and would not have understood it was an act of unappreciation.  To me, I would have FELT grateful for the dress, said thank you, have truly meant it - and the water fight would have been totally separate to that.  Linking those two things in my mind would have been worlds apart.

 

((Hugs))

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One thing that's puzzling me is that some of you seem to be indicating that I am a jerk or unkind for feeling hurt about this or expressing it.

 

I did not jump all over her. I didn't get angry.

 

What it seems is that y'all are saying is that to feel hurt about this is to belittle my dd's evening and to make it about me.

 

I don't plan on saying anything further to her about this, unless she specifically asks.

 

I was reacting to your question whether you should dredge it up again.  To me that would be too much.

 

You are human.  Best your kids realize that.  My kids sure know I'm human.  That includes not always adjusting my reaction to what would give them warm fuzzies.  Yes, that means sometimes they will feel regret.  But then I need to get over it, because if I bring it up again, I'm modeling to my kids that they should hold grudges and be unforgiving toward those who are still learning.  Maybe I'm even saying I don't like my kid very much.  That would be too much IMO.

 

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I was reacting to your question whether you should dredge it up again.  To me that would be too much.

 

You are human.  Best your kids realize that.  My kids sure know I'm human.  That includes not always adjusting my reaction to what would give them warm fuzzies.  Yes, that means sometimes they will feel regret.  But then I need to get over it, because if I bring it up again, I'm modeling to my kids that they should hold grudges and be unforgiving toward those who are still learning.  Maybe I'm even saying I don't like my kid very much.  That would be too much IMO.

 

 

Thank you for this.

 

That's what I was asking.

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But I didn't say any of that to HER.

 

I'm not a chatty at bedtime mom. She knows that. WE talked about prom the next morning. She generally comes in and goes to bed after this stuff and we talk the next morning. That's what we did.

 

We looked at Facebook pictures, checked out the venue online so she could show me what the location was like.

 

I think you had a fine, normal reaction that doesn't sound over-reacting............ I was so glad when my younger ds didn't destroy the rented tux when he went to a local high school prom and was so glad that he didn't need one for the homeschool proms.

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You probably didn't mean this in the way I am taking it, but I find this a bit condescending. And many girls had a wonderful time without water fights. It was my daughter and a handful of her friends who did this.

 

What happened was she inadvertently got a flick of water on her from a friend. In retaliation, she gave a giant splash and it went on from there.This is her SOP. She retaliates to stuff (jokingly) and always has to come out on top. She can't let things go.

 

What I wish is that she'd understand that this habit of hers, to not let stuff go is hurtful at times.

 

For instance, once she went so far as to slap a guy friend across the face.

 

Later on, I told her that was completely unfair, although the guy was a good sport about it. He was too much of a gentleman to retaliate. IT was unfair of her to take it to that level because 1. facial slaps are totally insulting and unkind, and 2 she took it to a level where he couldn't go.

 

So maybe I need to let the stuff with the prom dress go and start working on some other social skills stuff, like knowing when to quit.

 

I meant it from her perspective. If she had to act differently from all the other kids because of the dress you made, I can imagine her feeling that way. My grandmother made ALL of my clothes until about the 6th grade. I was not allowed to get them dirty, so I was the little priss in the pretty dress unable to participate in recess or whatever the other kids were doing. 

 

From the additional information here, I would be surprised if other parents (and possibly girls?) weren't pissed. It doesn't sound like a charming personality trait to be sure. I'd be worried about her getting hurt or in serious trouble in the future. Does she have ADHD? Has she tried medication?

 

Was the dress ruined? 

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