The "I have a middle schooler" commiseration thread

[Farrar]

Anyone else see this study float by?

 

Why Mother of Tweens - Not Babies - Are the Most Depressed

 

 

 

Mothers are essentially the ‘first responders’ to children’s distress, and now they must figure out how best to offer comfort and reassurance, as the old ways – hugs, loving words and bedtime stories – no longer work. They also have to walk a very fine line in setting limits. Decisions about what to allow and where to draw the line bring confusion and even fearfulness. We want our children to talk to us about everything and to be supportive, but worry about how to do that without seeming to condone bad or dangerous stuff. Even for confident mothers, it’s a time of second-guessing ourselves, worrying about whether we made the right judgment calls, and feeling guilty about the firm stands that we do take.

 

Well, no duh.

 

Anyway, I have no insights. I just thought maybe we could all have a little whine together. Wah. This age is hard. I love it in some ways. There's plenty of good too, that's for sure. But, gah. Lots of drama, lots of difficulties, lots of challenges.

[Momto6inIN]

Yes, my toddler with all her demands and tantrums and butt wiping and hand washing is much easier to handle than my hormone driven drama inducing 12 year old DD whose moods fluctuate several times an hour and who can give you whiplash trying to keep up with her emotions at a certain time of the month. :lol:

Gah!!!!

 

But we are able to have a lot of good and meaty and funny discussions now too ... which keeps either of us from killing the other I guess. lol

[Farrar]

I get whiplash dealing with my two ds's emotional mood swings too, so it's not only girls.

 

And the giggles. I had forgotten how giggly middle schoolers are. How they start laughing and literally cannot stop. It's cute sometimes and it's infuriating other times.

 

But yes, meaty conversations. Ds talked his grandmother under the table in a discussion on philosophy last night around our backyard fire. It was about whether or not reality is simulated. Ds had arguments. Grandma gave up and left. Ha!

[tmstranger]

12yo ds here, so I hear you!  Each day is a tightrope walk trying not to set him off...yet still expecting certain standards of work and behavior.  Oh, and my ds lost his door about 2 weeks ago b/c of a "swift wind that came through his room causing it to slam."  He must think I'm stupid...The wind was his arm and his attitude/anger followed the loss of his precious technology. 

 

I'll whine with you, sure! :)

[The Governess]

It's hard being a tween, and a mother of one. She still needs my help with things, but doesn't like that she needs help so she's rude when I give it. She knows everything, even when she doesn't, and let's me know multiple times a day. I can either get mad at her for being disrespectful, or give her some understanding and a hug. Luckily she still likes hugs...for now.

 

But even with the attitude, and all of the worry and decision-making, this is still easier than having a newborn - for me. At least my own hormones are under control at the moment. ;)

[kbutton]

Yep, a weird place to be, especially with a kid who has some exceptionalities that make him a little clueless and sometimes rude without all the changes. :-) 

[zarabellesmom]

"And all this comes at a time when many mothers first experience the signs of approaching middle age, with declines in physical and cognitive abilities, and increased awareness of mortality."

 

Ouch! Now they are just trying to be mean! My oldest is only ten but it has begun. She is the sweetest most loving person--until she's not. She can go to tears, foot stomping, door slamming anger in about 15 seconds. Still...She's not mean. My youngest is the queen of saying hurtful things that I try to brush off. Sometimes that's really hard.

 

But... I remember being a middle schooler and that was one of the hardest periods in my life (and probably my first bout of depression though I didn't recognize it as such at the time). I wouldn't go back to being that age for anything even if I am "approaching middle age, with declines in physical and cognitive abilities."

 

 

[Farrar]

I don't think the study is saying it's easier or harder, but rather that the tween years make us more depressed as parents. Nothing could be harder than infant twins (well, infant triplets?) so I wouldn't say this age is harder. But when I had infants, no one was judging me - people just helped and sympathized all the time. Like, I'd walk down the street and strangers would say, aw, you're so good. Now I have increasingly gangly giants who people look at suspiciously when they tromp through stores and playgrounds. The other day, a stranger complimented me on one of them it was definitely the first time in a long time that had happened. And while I was sleep deprived and harried when they were tiny, it was all so rote in many ways. Feed, soothe, swaddle, bounce, bathe, change, repeat. There was such a limited menu of parenting options. I was so tired all the time so it was often teary and difficult but it was also just something I could do on autopilot. And it was easy to take the rewards infants gave - the little smiles, the early babbling, etc. and think, that's for me, while leaving the crying as being physical, just something babies do, not my fault. Now who knows what the day will bring? And who knows what's the right answer? And it's likely the children will be surly at me even if I'm getting it right!

[kirstenhill]

I don't think the study is saying it's easier or harder, but rather that the tween years make us more depressed as parents. Nothing could be harder than infant twins (well, infant triplets?) so I wouldn't say this age is harder.

A mom from our co-op just had triplets. i just can't imagine!

 

My DD had an amazing day yesterday...really focused and got all her schoolwork done in short order. But this is following a week last week where she got super distracted every day, and was an emotional mess. And she claimed to never have learned ANYTHING about exponents, and "No mom, something squared or cubed isn't an exponent, you're totally wrong." Sigh.

[matrips]

It's okay. We moms of triplets just look in awe at the moms of quads. :)

 

And yes, the younger years were physically harder, but much easier in so many other ways. Three tweens is way harder, but not as lonely as three little ones were. At least now, I have people to talk with all day :)

 

Enjoying this thread. So far here the boy emotions are easier and more straightforward than my daughters.

[2_girls_mommy]

I only had sisters growing up. I only have nieces.  And I only have daughters.  I have no comparison with the differences between boy tweens and girl tweens. But my dh has opinions and thoughts on the matter of girls being more dramatic, lol.  It's all I've ever known, the complexities and dramas of girls. But the being the mom of them is all new.  When I was the dd I knew I was right on everything.  When I was an aunt to nieces I felt compassion for them and identified with them.  I never considered what the moms in those situations were dealing with. I just had no frame of reference. It is tough.  But the rewards are great too when they come.  Its pretty amazing to see these cool people growing up.

 

I agree with this stage being less isolating. I didn't have twins, just two a couple years apart.  But taking care of infants and toddlers all day and seeing nothing but playgrounds for entertainment and Dora on TV for several days on end with no sleep was mentally frazzling sometimes.  

[Momto6inIN]

At least my own hormones are under control at the moment. ;)

 

You must be younger than me ;)

 

Peri-menopause and tweens don't seem to go well together. I really do believe God knows what He's doing and all that, really I do, but this seems like a questionable design strategy to me lol

[Farrar]

Ugh. Don't even talk to me about my own hormones. Gah.

 

It shouldn't have worked out this way... it just runs early in my family.

 

A lot of my friends are still having babies, but dh sometimes whispers to me the following sweet nothing: "They'll be legal adults while we're still in our 40's!"

[Momto6inIN]

Ugh. Don't even talk to me about my own hormones. Gah.

 

It shouldn't have worked out this way... it just runs early in my family.

 

A lot of my friends are still having babies, but dh sometimes whispers to me the following sweet nothing: "They'll be legal adults while we're still in our 40's!"

It runs early here too, but due to a loooooong stretch of child bearing (5 kids in 12 years) it will be just the opposite for us ... I'll likely be a grandma and still have teenagers in the house ... until we're 58[emoji23]

 

Sent from my SM-T230NU using Tapatalk

[deerforest]

I'd say it's 90% amazing and 10% yipes around here. I started to say a lot more but nowadays I like to tell her what I'm saying about her online, and she's not here for me to let her proofread right now.

 

I did share the article with her and tell her I had evidence now. I'm 35 years older than she is so it's gonna be bumpy for DH.

[SanDiegoMom]

Ugh. Don't even talk to me about my own hormones. Gah.

 

It shouldn't have worked out this way... it just runs early in my family.

 

A lot of my friends are still having babies, but dh sometimes whispers to me the following sweet nothing: "They'll be legal adults while we're still in our 40's!"

 

 

My dh and I have so many plans for once the kids go off to college....we'll be 48! Its very exciting We are going to do all those things we were supposed to do when we got married instead of having that accidental first kid way too early.  

 

This might be for the best for the kids as well.  Looking back, some of my worst fights with my mom were most likely due to her hormones. She's so much more mellow now,  but it was a rough few years. So I'm hoping mine will be nice and late for their sakes!

[Garga]

My son could be such a meanie-head between the ages of 11 and 13. And then he stopped about 2 months ago and became really nice and his sense of humor kicked in (instead of randomly taking everything super-seriously.)

 

But just these past two weeks, my younger son (who just turned 11) is turning into a meanie-head. AHHHH!

 

Well, at least we had 2 months of peace.

 

Like other people said: when they're older you can have more conversations and when it's good, it's great! But they do turn on a dime and things that wouldn't bother anyone else on the planet just enrage them. And once they're in a funk, it's just about impossible to turn the ship around. Well, here anyway. Things that I say in total innocence, get taken out of context and end up insulting the 11-13 year old to no end. It is really hard to know how to respond. Be firm? Be gentle? Insist on some sort of apology? Talk quietly together after the moment about how it makes me feel without expecting anything?

 

Hide in the bathroom for the next 2 years? Which is where I am now because my 11 year old will NOT watch their goofy tv show with me in the room. I don't know why. He just doesn't want me there. :( I could stay in the room and say, "Well, fine then, don't watch," but is that the right thing to do? Is he trying to have his "own thing" and it's perfectly normal and developmentally appropriate? Is he shutting me out and this is a Bad Sign of Things to Come? I don't know!

 

(The show isn't anything he shouldn't be seeing. I can't remember the name of it, but it's a goofy tween type show.)

[fairy4tmama]

I am not sure what's harder surviving your own adolescence or your children's. Teens and tweens are vastly more stressful than having 3 kids under the age of 4. I really, really value homeschooling them and believe that it IS helping us build and preserve a close healthy relationship, but by the gods, there are days that I am sure I must be a masochist to do so. It was so much easier when I could gather them on my lap and read or snuggle them until they felt better.

[Farrar]

Mine still snuggle and climb in my lap, which is part of what makes it so extra jarring when they suddenly snarl at me sometimes now.

[fairy4tmama]

My 13 year old tries but he is already almost 6 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds- he gets to cuddle next to me now lol

Edited April 20, 2016 by fairy4tmama

[mom31257]

Ds is still 12 and at the end of 7th grade. We don't have it too bad here, at least yet. He gives the occasional smart aleck remark or eye roll, but mostly what we see is an apathy for school and learning. It's disappointing, but dh didn't do very well in school until he hit about 16. 

 

I think he's having a hard time living in his sister's shadow. She did very well in school and learned effortlessly. He's going to have to study more. She scored in the top 1% on her ACT and is on an academic scholarship with a 4.0.

 

I'm realizing that and trying to focus on somethings that he is doing differently. For instance, he'll start Algebra 1 earlier than her as well as foreign language.  He is much more concerned about being punctual and has more self-control in some areas (except his tongue!). 

 

We will see how it progresses as the true puberty hormones hit. I am almost 12 months since my last period, so I hope menopause will not be bad for me. So far, I'm doing well with only an occasional hot flash. 

[Ravin]

Mine still snuggle and climb in my lap, which is part of what makes it so extra jarring when they suddenly snarl at me sometimes now.

 

Mine frequently tries to climb into my lap immediately after snarling at me, and then snarls at me if I object to being climbed on.

[Farrar]

My boys both seem confused still that they can't go knees first into my lap. I'm like, eek, no!

 

The other thing I'm remembering is how easily middle school boys fall out of chairs. Perched positions that work for tiny kids do not work for nearly adult sized bodies.

[deerforest]

At the gym a few weeks ago DH and I were waiting for DD to come out from her shower. I looked up from my phone as a young woman walked by me towards the front desk to toss in her towel. Then, I realized that was DD.  :huh:

[Farrar]

The TAL rerun tonight was all about middle school. Listening to the middle school dance thing was painful. Ds, who was listening on his way home from rehearsal, was loving it all. He made us have a driveway moment to finish it.

[Baile]

My easiest kid is almost 12, and he's become just moody enough to make me very nervous about going through this phase with my next two, who are only 11 months apart. 

 

Ds started his Little League season a few weeks ago, and it has been comforting to watch his games and see that he's not the only one who trips over his feet (while walking back to his position after making a double play), holds back tears when he strikes out, and snaps at his mother when she asks what color Gatorade he wants. "Blue, obviously.  :rolleyes: "

[Arcadia]

My 5th grader crybaby is the one that riles even my hyper patient and conflict avoiding hubby. My intense 6th grader is easy in comparison, just mentally exhausting for me.

 

Hubby is tempted to send DS10 to summer academic camp if his attitude doesn't get better.

[kirstenhill]

"Mom, you ruined my day. My week.  Actually, my whole school year."  (I wanted to say, "You mean I didn't ruin your whole life?").  This was because she couldn't get out of going to an event with the family tonight that she is not super excited to attend...no, not getting your school work done is not an excuse to stay home. 

 

DD: "Mom, I can't get my work done because you are looking at me."  Me:  "Ok, go work in your room."    DD: "No, because then you'll know I am doing my schoolwork and it won't be a surprise when I finish."

 

Sigh.  Pre-Teens.

Edited April 27, 2016 by kirstenhill

[kentuckymom]

I'm definitely relating to this thread. I ruin my 11 year old's "whole life" with regularity. Except a short while later it turns out it's not ruined after all. And lately he's been on a trend of how "It's not fair that life's not fair." This is because he once commented to DH that something wasn't fair and DH replied, "You're right. Life's not fair."  So several times a week he mentions something that happened in school that wasn't fair and how unfair it is that life's not fair. And I have  to be extra careful to never mention Suessical the Musical in his presence.  You see, every year, from time immemorial, the third graders at his school performed songs from Suessical the Musical at Family Literacy Night in the spring. He was really looking forward to it. Then the year he was in third grade they decided not to do it. The excuse was that they had a lot of snow days early in the semester and the music teacher didn't have time to prepare them. Yet somehow she had time to prepare the second graders to do a big musical presentation honoring Black History Month. They haven't done Suessical the Musical since, so it's not like his class was the only that missed out. Yet it seems he will never forget it. It was over two years ago now, but I briefly mentioned it one night at dinner and it ruined the rest of his night. 

 

I was hoping that the outbursts might lessen next year when he's homeschooled and he doesn't have stuff at school to complain about, but it sounds like he'll just find new stuff. Oh, well. At least I know I won't be alone :).

[Caclcoca]

Twelve year old girl is going to kill me.  I love this child, but I just can't keep up with her crazy moods and her mean streaks.

[Ali in OR]

Rough day today. I wanted to home school her through eighth grade, but strongly considering putting her in public school for 8th. I'm not enjoying this and I can't even make the argument that she's getting a better education because she doesn't actually do the work she's assigned. Sigh. Rough day.

[Pen]

Book recommendation: The Teenage Brain by Frances Jensen

[Targhee]

Book recommendation: The Teenage Brain by Frances Jensen

I thought they just melted out their ears for a few years and somehow made it back inside in full working order later in life.

 

Joking aside, there is so much going on developmentally. They need slack in some areas, increased structure in others, and love and patience in all. It can be so hard though.

[angelmama1209]

You all are not making me feel better. My just turned 11yo dd is a mess. I've been saying she has anger management issues for a year, but maybe it's just early hormones? She has a hair trigger temper, especially toward my 8yo. It's almost like she WANTS to be angry. She'll be perfectly fine, then my 8yo will look at her funny and we can see her balling her fists and the fire builds in her eyes and she just explodes. Stomping, screaming, crying, name calling, sometimes hitting... She was my easiest child until this last year. She's still #2, but getting more difficult.

[wapiti]

We are three weeks away from the end of 7th grade.  Will we make it?  One ds13 is less independent than my dd6.  The other ds13 thinks he is Kirby Buckets and treats dd15 as such.

 

Dd15 matured a lot between spring of 7th and winter of 8th grade.  Can I hope the same for boys?  (don't answer that.)

[Garga]

You all are not making me feel better. My just turned 11yo dd is a mess. I've been saying she has anger management issues for a year, but maybe it's just early hormones? She has a hair trigger temper, especially toward my 8yo. It's almost like she WANTS to be angry. She'll be perfectly fine, then my 8yo will look at her funny and we can see her balling her fists and the fire builds in her eyes and she just explodes. Stomping, screaming, crying, name calling, sometimes hitting... She was my easiest child until this last year. She's still #2, but getting more difficult.

That sounds really hard to deal with.

 

Then again, my son hates going to bed. He's tired at bedtime and doesn't want to go and turns into Mr. Hyde. Just like you said above, if we just glance at him wrong, he's furious, just furious! He goes stomping around and yelling at everyone and is a bear. It's only at bedtime.

 

I've asked him if anything bad ever happened to him in bed (just to be sure something didn't happen at a sleepover or something...I asked if anyone has ever done anything to hurt him or made him feel uncomfortable, etc, etc.), and I've talked to him when he's calm about what he's feeling, and I've tried to calm him down or conversely, I've come down firm and told him to knock it off. But about 5 nights out of 7, he still goes to bed furious over something completely manufactured.

 

Actually, I think it might have slacked off a teeny tiny bit in the past month. I think he's only gotten furiously angry about twice a week lately. Hmmm. He's 11 and 2 months now and his fury started at somewhere around 10.5. Maybe we're close to the end of it?

 

Oh...recently I handed off the chore of doing dishes to the boys. They each do the dishes every other day. That set off a huge round of fury for the first couple of days it was ds11's turn. It's his turn again today. We'll see what happens...

Edited May 6, 2016 by Garga

[sassenach]

My eldest was really, really hard. It's chronicled in the board archives. She did train me how to emotionally disengage from conflict. It also did get a bit better about a year after she started her cycle. She is still very, very hard, and not what I would call emotionally stable. It's starting to really effect her life, which is making me realize that I don't think she falls into the realm of normal emotional ups and downs. W

 

My 13yo boy has been a total cake walk comparatively. He has his moments, but he's truly fun to parent 95% of the time. His problem is raising his voice/rudeness. We're working on getting him to acknowledge and correct. It's not perfect, but I think we're doing all right.

 

My 11yo girl is much easier than the eldest. She has moments, but she seems to instinctively know how to self manage. I've recently rediscovered a tool we used a lot when she was a toddler/preschooler. When she is struggling emotionally, she really just needs to go to her room for a little bit. She was snapping at her brother and I the other day and I calmly asked her to go to her room. She went and read, and 15min later we were golden.  Eldest would have melted down at the suggestion, but youngest just got up without a word.

 

So, all that to say, I'm with you guys! 

[Mabelen]

12 year old girl here! Oh, how I sympathize with you, ladies! I knew this one would not be as easy as my first one. Thank goodness I have some perspective that one day she will turn the corner and everything will be great again. In the meanwhile I am using my deep breathing techniques discreetly, some good humor, lots of hot relaxing green/herbal teas and the occasional drink ;-) It also helps that she goes to school so there is outside accountability and time apart.

[Pen]

We had, we both agreed, a pretty good day yesterday.

 

All except that ds interpreted my saying he could go somewhere he wanted to go only if he was prepared to walk home and to start walking home at 6PM to mean that I would drive over to pick him up at 6:30 PM.

[Pen]

Another book red--a friend of mine gave me this since her former middle schooler is now successfully at Harvard and she thinks she does not need it any more--even the title is something I found helpful:

 

Yes, Your Teen is Crazy: How to Love your Kid, Without Losing your Mind

[taffnus]

This thread is perfect timing!! Just got my DD12 off to school. I must say, their are some days I absolutely love the fact that I've put her in school. I was reminded of that this morning as she sat on the floor yelling that someone had lost her red pen (of course that someone couldn't have been her) then proceeded to throw her notebook on the floor and storm upstairs. Sigh....get in the car because I'm going to take you to school so you can be a perfect angel to people you barely know.

 

Last week I got the, "You are SOOOOO annoying me right now." Hmmm....was I not just putting dishes away in the kitchen? You couldn't even see me. I wasn't saying anything, singing anything or humming anything. I had to crack up laughing because it was so teen-ridiculous!

[angelmama1209]

So my preteen is on her emotional (hormonal?) cycle week right now and my ODD 8yo is in major strife causing mode. This is making for a very Unpleasant atmosphere in our household. Any advice on how to keep my tween from flipping out about every. Little. Thing? When she's like this my 8yo gets on a power trip for having complete control over her sister's emotions and behavior. I'm at my wits end trying to deal with the fighting, screaming, crying, stomping, name calling, even hitting. Help!

[SanDiegoMom]

I am plugging my ears right now and singing la-la-la....because I already had a nightmarish middle schooler who is finally a relatively sane human being, and my younger dd is 10 is has been more frequently prone to bursting out in tears and stomping off to her room... I'm trying to pretend she's just more tired recently.  And that the eye-rolling is just that she has something caught in her eye..  

 

I have no advice because I am in denial.  

[Farrar]

BalletBoy has been great lately. But then he got super teary about math the other day. He was doing fine, just missed a few, but then he got all upset. He even said, "I don't know why I'm crying! I'm not even that upset!" Oh, sweetie, hormones.

 

Mushroom has been a pain. It's mostly his anxiety. But seeing him go between, I'm such a little kid, just hug me and coddle me to I can stay out with my friends at the diner after the show past midnight is giving me whiplash.

 

[Sneezyone]

I have found my tribe.  :grouphug: