Can you help me proof read this for mechanics?

[TheAttachedMama]

Man, oh man!   I am starting to feel over my head with teaching writing---and my son is only 9!   The problem is that I am TERRIBLE with mechanics (punctuation, etc.)   I am not sure if I am even teaching him to punctuate correctly.   I am trying to look up rules online to double check his punctuation, but I am doubting myself.  Can anyone please look over his latest written narration and see if you see anything that I am missing?   

 

Is the comma correctly placed in the first sentence?  How about the comma after "One day"?  Is that necessary?       Also, his ending seems rather abrupt.   How can I help him with this?   

 

This is his written narration of a jataka story.   

 

----------------

 

     Two Deer, named Beauty and Brownie, lived in the forest with their herd and father.  

     One day, their father said to them, "Many Deer die when the corn is ripe.  Take your own herds and leave the forest.   And remember these two things:  travel at night, and don't go near any villages.   And brownie, stop drooling!"

     So they left the forest.  Beauty came back with ever single deer in his heard because he followed his father's instructions.   But Brownie lost all of his deer because we traveled in the day and went near every village.  Brownie was shamed for the rest of his life.

Edited March 17, 2016 by TheAttachedMama

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

 Two deer, named Beauty and Brownie, lived in the forest with their herd and father.  

     One day, their father said to them, "Many deer die when the corn is ripe.  Take your own herds and leave the forest.   And remember these two things:  travel at night, and don't go near any villages.   And Brownie, stop drooling!"

     So they left the forest.  Beauty came back with every single deer in his heard because he followed his father's instructions.   But Brownie lost all of his deer because they traveled in the day and went near every village.  Brownie was shamed for the rest of his life.

[TheAttachedMama]

 Two deer, named Beauty and Brownie, lived in the forest with their herd and father.  

     One day, their father said to them, "Many deer die when the corn is ripe.  Take your own herds and leave the forest.   And remember these two things:  travel at night, and don't go near any villages.   And Brownie, stop drooling!"

     So they left the forest.  Beauty came back with every single deer in his heard because he followed his father's instructions.   But Brownie lost all of his deer because they traveled in the day and went near every village.  Brownie was shamed for the rest of his life.

Thank you Monica!   I agree with you about the Deer vs. deer thing.   But, it was capitalized in the original fable that he read by Ellen C. Babbit (and even in the copywork he did the day before) so I didn't correct.   (Here is the original:  http://etc.usf.edu/lit2go/73/more-jataka-tales/4962/beauty-and-brownie/)

 

Why do fables always capitalize common nouns that are animals?   I've noticed that Aesop fables always do this too.   I feel like it is confusing to kids who are just learning capitalization rules.  

[EKS]

Two deer, named Beauty and Brownie, lived in the forest with their herd and father.  

     One day, (I'd remove the comma) their father said to them, "Many Deer die when the corn is ripe.  Take your own herds and leave the forest.   And remember these two things:  Travel at night, and don't go near any villages.   And, Brownie, stop drooling!"

     So they left the forest.  Beauty came back with every single deer in his herd because he followed his father's instructions.   But Brownie lost all of his deer because we? (should this be "he"?) traveled in the day and went near every village.  Brownie was shamed for the rest of his life.

[TheAttachedMama]

 

Two deer, named Beauty and Brownie, lived in the forest with their herd and father.  

     One day, (I'd remove the comma) their father said to them, "Many Deer die when the corn is ripe.  Take your own herds and leave the forest.   And remember these two things:  Travel at night, and don't go near any villages.   And, Brownie, stop drooling!"

     So they left the forest.  Beauty came back with every single deer in his herd because he followed his father's instructions.   But Brownie lost all of his deer because we? (should this be "he"?) traveled in the day and went near every village.  Brownie was shamed for the rest of his life.

 

 

 

Thanks Kai for noting the capital letter after the colon.   I keep reading conflicting information online about whether you should capitalize the first word after a colon.  

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Thank you Monica!   I agree with you about the Deer vs. deer thing.   But, it was capitalized in the original fable that he read by Ellen C. Babbit (and even in the copywork he did the day before) so I didn't correct.   (Here is the original:  http://etc.usf.edu/lit2go/73/more-jataka-tales/4962/beauty-and-brownie/)

 

Why do fables always capitalize common nouns that are animals?   I've noticed that Aesop fables always do this too.   I feel like it is confusing to kids who are just learning capitalization rules.  

 

I believe it's because in fables, an animal species or group is thought of as a "people," the same way we would capitalize the Cherokee, or the Germans.  More confusing is the capitalization in Winnie the Pooh where capitals are used to emphasize random words throughout the book.  He was  Bear of Little Brain.  LOL

[EKS]

Thanks Kai for noting the capital letter after the colon.   I keep reading conflicting information online about whether you should capitalize the first word after a colon.  

 

Apparently if it is a complete sentence after the colon then there is a capital letter, but if it is not then it is lower case.  I got this from the APA Publication Manual.