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How do you keep your emotional equilibrium?


Janie Grace
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I have noticed recently that I am not good at staying "steady" when there are difficult circumstances around me. I am not talking about tragedies or big, persistent problems. I am talking about a teenager being rude or distant, a dh being unaffectionate or moody, a lack of connection with friends. I think that my resilience is VERY tied to where I am hormonally, but even with that said, it bothers me how little things can create a big black cloud of loneliness over my day. I think this is partly due to some childhood issues (abandonment, unworthiness). But I don't want to settle for this being my struggle, I want to grow. If you are good at staying happy/even-keeled even when others aren't giving you love/connection, how do you do this? If you struggle like I do, what helps?

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My self talk makes all the different in the world - what I tell myself as I deal with tragedy or stress. If I catastrophize or belly ache it really messes up my attitude and ability to roll with the punches. If I focus on the few bright spots and the temporary nature of most distresses I'm much more even keeled.

 

And yes, hormones absolutely play a role too. Just noting my time of the cycle, acknowledging the ways things feel might be overblown, and moving on from there is almost as much help as a coffee and chocolate and a good book.

 

 

Almost.

Edited by Arctic Mama
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I hear you. What helps me is self talk, but also self care: making sure I get my needs met, get enough sleep, enough exercises, enough outdoor time.

 

I am hormonally affected, too. It very much helps me to recognize where I am in my cycle. If I notice myself reacting completely out of proportion to the perceived offense, it does help tremendously to recognize that this is PMS, and I am not at my most rational. I feel better immediately from knowing that this will pass and I shall not feel as bad in just a few days. And I have learned now NOT to send the angry email until I have checked my calendar ;-)

Edited by regentrude
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Can one of you explain self-talk? I'm sure it's common knowledge but I am not familiar with it! Do you mean actually saying (aloud) what is true? Like "Dd does not dislike me, she is just stressed because of all of her tests. Dh loves me; he is having a lot of back pain which is why he is not as kind or affectionate as usual. My worth is not based on the how those around me relate to me." That kind of thing? 

Edited by Janie Grace
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Can one of you explain self-talk? I'm sure it's common knowledge but I am not familiar with it! Do you mean actually saying (aloud) what is true? Like "Dd does not dislike me, she is just stressed because of all of her tests. Dh loves me; he is having a lot of back pain which is why he is not as kind or affectionate as usual. My worth is not based on the how those around me relate to me." That kind of thing?

Yes, and your dialog as you encounter events.

 

On my insano day yesterday I focused on that things would work out one way or the other and I could catch w later flight, rather than fixating on possibly missing my plane. I aimed my mental energies on gratitude for the multiple strangers who didn't know me from Adam and helped me haul my junk, let me wait in their warm cars, chatted and were generally wonderful human beings just because they could be. When I was tempted to grumble or whine I tried to refocus my energies on gratitude. I failed at the end of the trip with more issues on the ground and I can't tell you what an energy drain that was. Just half an hour of giving into annoyance and exhaustion made a small issue feel SO much bigger and more difficult to surmount.

 

What we tell ourselves in our minds or even out loud in response to our situation and the emotions they evoke makes a huge difference. Even when we feel sadness or panic or anger we can still take a deep breath and consciously tell ourselves truths that build us up instead of tear us down and wear us out :)

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Self talk is like this

 

Dd bites my head off.I go into the other room. "What a jerk. I cannot believe she acts like that. Ugh. I'll be so glad when she's outta here. What was I thinking having all these kids? "
 

Self talk takes those *feelings* and goes "Yes, she acts jerky sometimes. But she's a good kid. Really, I am glad to be a mother."

 

You tell your *feelings* the truth.

 

So when my dh is distant. Instead of "Is he going to leave me? Why did he marry me in the first place? I bet he's moody because my thighs are fat."

 

I tell myself. "Wow. I wonder what's bothering him? I've put some weight on, but he's not the kind of man who would be frustrated about that.  What can I do to help draw closer to him."

 

Journaling helps me see how volatile my feelings are and how they shouldnt be my primary filter of truth. Just because a feeling is big doesn't make it true.

Edited by fairfarmhand
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Running (or exercise biking if the roads are covered with a foot of snow, like now) makes all the difference for me. I've learned that exercise is essential for keeping me happy and level headed. Of course, the first two days of my cycle, even exercise can't help. :-)

 

I've put a ton of energy into my self talk in the last year, after a tragedy took what was a lifelong tendency toward gloominess and turned it into scary hopelessness. I've learned to argue with my negative thinking, but also to work hard to find new, positive things to say to myself before I even go into the negative thinking. So, while I might tend toward hopelessness about my son's fifth tantrum of the day, I now tell myself, "This just helps me in my quest to become the World's Most Patient Mother!" or "Running makes me a better me, the laundry can wait."

 

I get flooded by negative thinking, so I find something I believe (so, not, "I'm a perfect weight" but "I'm strong and my body does everything I need it to do.") and say it often (almost mantra-like), and I have these sayings posted I different areas of my house. I don't have to think very hard to remember that I want to think about my super power development when my son is tantruming because it's written on a post-it on my fridge. If I had to constantly come up with new thoughts, I'd just fall back into the negative. Does that make sense?

 

Now, I'm off to ride my exercise bike because exercising makes me a better me, and the laundry can wait. :-)

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I try my very best not to take it personally, and to acknowledge that we are all human, therefore we are imperfect. My dear children make mistakes, my hubby too, but so do I. I also try to count our blessings, very often. I pray, a lot...not always necessarily for God to magically fix everything, but for Him to give me strength and peace.

ETA: and I have made a conscious effort to let go of the past. There are things in my childhood that haunted me for years, and could haunt me and mess me up IF I allow it. I refuse to let that happen! The past is in the past...it hurt me back then, and there was nothing I could do to avoid it, but I do have control of how much it affects my present and future. I can't deny some memories still cause sadness, but, when that happens I pray and do my best to let go.

Edited by mamiof5
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When I am starting to feel like I can't handle large or small issues I run through a mental checklist:

 

When was the last time I ate? I may just be "hangry"

 

How is my sleep? Is my room a restful place to sleep? I may need to clean my room up a bit.

 

When was the last time I exercised? I may need to go do something physically challenging.

 

Have I been taking my vitamins and meds? Need to remember to do that.

 

Have I been meditating and doing yoga every day? Probably not. Can I find some time to do that right then? Probably.

 

When was the last time my husband and I went out without any kids? We usually need a date.

 

When was the last time I spent time alone?

 

Unfortunately, if I stop doing a few of those things, I stop doing a few more of those things. So I have to stay on it.

Edited by LucyStoner
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Yes to above posts about self-talk. Our thoughts guide our emotions and often catapult us into some action.

 

Self-check frequently if your thoughts run to the negative. Examine the thought if it is realistic or catastrophizing. This simple method can stop a lot of negative and unrealistic thoughts in their tracks.

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I have noticed recently that I am not good at staying "steady" when there are difficult circumstances around me. I am not talking about tragedies or big, persistent problems. I am talking about a teenager being rude or distant, a dh being unaffectionate or moody, a lack of connection with friends. I think that my resilience is VERY tied to where I am hormonally, but even with that said, it bothers me how little things can create a big black cloud of loneliness over my day. I think this is partly due to some childhood issues (abandonment, unworthiness). But I don't want to settle for this being my struggle, I want to grow. If you are good at staying happy/even-keeled even when others aren't giving you love/connection, how do you do this? If you struggle like I do, what helps?

I don't actually have an answer for you but I am frequently told what a calm mum I am. And yet inside I'm a ball of anxiety a lot of the time. So those you are looking at as calm and even keeled actually mayn't be.

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I don't actually have an answer for you but I am frequently told what a calm mum I am. And yet inside I'm a ball of anxiety a lot of the time. So those you are looking at as calm and even keeled actually mayn't be.

 

Someone at work, who has known me for six months, said that she couldn't imagine me angry.  It's amazing the impression that one can give to the world!

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I agree with everyone who has posted.

I take a 2 hour break every day over lunch.  This break is imperative to my sanity.  During this time I do a super fast clean up of everything that spilled out during school hours and we go for a walk.  just getting out of the house for a bit changes moods and perspective.  When we walk we are together, but separate.  kwim.  i let the kids go ahead of me and they don't talk to me.   I did not do this every year, I only started it last year.  I truly believe if I had done this every year I would have had mostly fabulous home school years.

 

2nd sleep and exercise have been detrimental to my sanity.  Hard, stress relieving exercise.  the walks with the kids are great, but they do not relieve stress.  I need to walk miles to reduce the stress level. Power Yoga and Tabata have been life savers.

 

Proper rest helps to keep negative self talk at bay for me.   this is only one line, but seriously good emotional heath starts with proper rest. exercise and sleep help the hormones level out, too. 

 

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