Acknowledging vs Celebrating Anniversaries...vent, advice..

[angelica]

Yesterday was our 15 year anniversary and though I had intentions on making a big deal out of it. Instead I spent part day cleaning bathrooms, laundry room, and kitchen.. I could have make a treat to make the house smell yummy, not toxic from the harsh cleaners, figured out dinner, had kids fed and ready for bed by the time he got home, but I decided instead that I would stick to my normal routine and go to yoga.

 

I had just enough time to leave a few things out before we left for the gym which was a "forever" tray with matching plate, a short note and 2000 champagne flute next to the duct tape roses he made a decade ago. It was half assed but it was something... Despite knowing him very well, I secretly hoped he'd be like, "oh I should do something nice for her", but nope. All I got that day was a text saying "happy anniversary" with a picture of a red luxury car that was at his shop for repair.  

 

I arrived home right before 7 with the kids and immediately started boiling water for the kids pasta. He asked what I wanted to do for dinner and I told him I wasn't very hungry because I had half a burrito for lunch. He knew I ran 3.1 miles then did yoga so I figured he'd catch that it was a joke, but nope, he thought I was serious. I only made that comment because normally I'll ask him that same question and he'll sometimes say he's not hungry yet cuz he had a late greasy lunch. So then he goes to fridge and trys to figure out what to have.

 

Well, dinner ended up being a bust. He made soup and a quesadilla with an ezekial tortilla (he hates them, i love them) while i got kids ready for bed. Then after that I started some soup too  and bring in a bag of groceries which had regular tortillas inside and said "happy anniversary".

 

 At that point he tells me "oh man if I knew we had those I would have made an egg burrito instead. I'm like seriously? SO then we get talking and I let him know I am sad that he made like zero effort and that we should be out eating right now, not having soup or an egg burrito for a "special day, unless this day is no longer special". To make it worse, he didn't even notice the things I put out.

 

In the end I I made a big deal out of it, but not in the way intended. I felt he wasn't going to do anything, and told myself I would be strong and not cry or make a fuss about it, but I did. I don't know what to think anymore. We have engaged since 2010 and have two boys together, 5 and 8. I don't have any girlfriends to talk to about things like this so here I am. Please shed some light..

[slterry]

I'm sorry. Sometime marriage is tough! I haven't been married as long as you, however I learned early on that an easy way to avoid disappointment is not to have expectations. If I hope for a nice dinner, I can tell him. If he doesn't plan it, I'll plan it. If I want a weekend away, I'll plan it. Yes, it would be nice to have our husband's read our mind, but is it worth the heartache and frustration when they don't? Nope. I still get that nice dinner or nice weekend away whether I plan it or he does. 

 

Some men are spontaneous, and it's never bothered me that my husband isn't one of them. If I have something super-special that I want for Christmas or my birthday, I don't hint- I tell him... "Hey! I want this. This would be a great gift!" If he doesn't, I buy it myself. 

 

I've only been married nine years, but I can literally count the times I've been upset about anything serious on one hand. Some things just truly aren't worth strife in our marriage, you know? We can't get angry at our husbands for taking our word. "Are you upset?" "No" (and then get mad because he doesn't know or prod deeper). Same with the dinner thing- if he asks what you want for dinner and you say "I'm not hungry," it's not fair to be upset that he doesn't get your joke. And that would be the time to say "just kidding! I Really am hungry. I was hoping you'd take me somewhere nice for dinner. What do you think?" 

 

I hope this isn't too harsh- I don't mean for it to be at all. I've just seen so many friends get divorced over things that simple communication could work out. 

Edited February 5, 2016 by slterry

[lllll]

nm

Edited February 13, 2016 by - 8 95

[Rosie_0801]

"Hey Fella, it's our anniversary next Friday. At 7pm I'm going to be dressed up and wearing a big smile, waiting for you to take me out to dinner."

[AHASRADA]

Totally agree with both posts. We've been married 24 years, and I learned a long time ago not to expect dh to read my mind and be upset when he doesn't. Oh, I definitely went through that stage, pouting on anniversaries, etc., but it's not worth it.

 

Now I remind dh that our anniversary is coming up on X day, list the days and times in proximity that we would both be available, and suggest he start thinking of something to do, along with any suggestions I may have. He's happy he doesn't have to guess what I want, and I'm happy because I get to celebrate in a way we can both enjoy.

 

Men being clueless doesn't mean they don't care, they're just clueless. Have you read the book "The 5 Love Languages" ? His love language is likely different than yours, not wrong or bad, just different. You have to teach him how to make you happy :)

[Alte Veste Academy]

DH and I agreed when we first started dating (23 years ago, LOL) that we wouldn't play games. So many people play games, and that's what your post screams out to me. You say you carried on with your normal routine (and that seems pretty late to come home on your anniversary if you were trying to communicate that you wanted to do something). You acknowledge that your attempt to do something for your anniversary was "half-assed." Then when he asked you about dinner, you told him you were not hungry hoping he would pick up on the fact that you were? That's a game. Don't play guessing games! Lovingly communicate—no assumptions, no codes, no passive aggressive hidden frustration. State what you want. Ask him what he wants to do. Take him out. I don't get the whole thing where wives feel the need to wait for their DH to make grand romantic gestures. Make a grand romantic gesture! You could try again with a honeymoon anniversary. That could be fun! :D

[marbel]

Yesterday was our 15 year anniversary and though I had intentions on making a big deal out of it. Instead I spent part day cleaning bathrooms, laundry room, and kitchen.. I could have make a treat to make the house smell yummy, not toxic from the harsh cleaners, figured out dinner, had kids fed and ready for bed by the time he got home, but I decided instead that I would stick to my normal routine and go to yoga.

 

I had just enough time to leave a few things out before we left for the gym which was a "forever" tray with matching plate, a short note and 2000 champagne flute next to the duct tape roses he made a decade ago. It was half assed but it was something... Despite knowing him very well, I secretly hoped he'd be like, "oh I should do something nice for her", but nope. All I got that day was a text saying "happy anniversary" with a picture of a red luxury car that was at his shop for repair.  

 

I arrived home right before 7 with the kids and immediately started boiling water for the kids pasta. He asked what I wanted to do for dinner and I told him I wasn't very hungry because I had half a burrito for lunch. He knew I ran 3.1 miles then did yoga so I figured he'd catch that it was a joke, but nope, he thought I was serious. I only made that comment because normally I'll ask him that same question and he'll sometimes say he's not hungry yet cuz he had a late greasy lunch. So then he goes to fridge and trys to figure out what to have.

 

Well, dinner ended up being a bust. He made soup and a quesadilla with an ezekial tortilla (he hates them, i love them) while i got kids ready for bed. Then after that I started some soup too  and bring in a bag of groceries which had regular tortillas inside and said "happy anniversary".

 

 <snip>

 

Speaking very gently here... you kinda set yourself up for disappointment.  And, you made assumptions despite knowing he was not likely to fulfill them ("I secretly hoped...")    And, what was the deal about the tortillas?  You had the kind he liked, but left them out in the car till he'd eaten the kind he doesn't like?  What was that?  

 

Next year, plan ahead, together. Or do what Rosie said.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Edited February 5, 2016 by marbel

[Alice]

:grouphug: Coming from someone who tends to be the same way, I think you were being passive-agressive. You knew what you wanted but you wanted him to know what you wanted. I do get that but I've learned that it's a set up for failure every time. 

 

I actually don't care about celebrating anniversaries or birthdays so I also get that for some people it isn't a big deal. Sounds like that may be the case with your dh. That doesn't make him a jerk or someone who doesn't appreciate your marriage. Maybe he just doesn't care about the celebration part. 

 

If it is more of a big deal to you, and it sounds like it is, then I think you have to sit down and really tell him what you need to feel special. Some people are good at surprises and planning and the big gesture. Some just aren't good at it or don't care about it. 

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

We don't try to celebrate anniversaries on weeknights.  It's just too hard and there are too many routines that get in the way.  We discuss it ahead of time and then go out sometime on the weekend. 

[J-rap]

DH and I agreed when we first started dating (23 years ago, LOL) that we wouldn't play games. So many people play games, and that's what your post screams out to me. You say you carried on with your normal routine (and that seems pretty late to come home on your anniversary if you were trying to communicate that you wanted to do something). You acknowledge that your attempt to do something for your anniversary was "half-assed." Then when he asked you about dinner, you told him you were not hungry hoping he would pick up on the fact that you were? That's a game. Don't play guessing games! Lovingly communicate—no assumptions, no codes, no passive aggressive hidden frustration. State what you want. Ask him what he wants to do. Take him out. I don't get the whole thing where wives feel the need to wait for their DH to make grand romantic gestures. Make a grand romantic gesture! You could try again with a honeymoon anniversary. That could be fun! :D

 

Yes, this.  You're not alone though, definitely!  I used to do that too, until I realized it didn't get us anywhere at all except frustrated and disappointed.  It took me many years to realize how very dumb it was to think my husband should be able to read my mind, even though we were very close.

 

Just be lovingly honest and upfront.  Take charge. 

 

ETA:  Also, don't worry about what our society tries to tell you is the way your anniversary celebration should go.  Invent your own way of doing it.  It might just be a nice glass of wine together after all the kids are asleep.  Or it might be waiting until next month when the timing is better.

Edited February 5, 2016 by J-rap

[angelica]

Thanks for the replies. I know i was in the wrong for leaving him to read my mind. I just was hoping and yeah your all right that never works.

 

And i should rephrase. I didnt half ass the stuff i was rushed and had only few minutes and wanted to leave something for him rather than nothing. And the tortillas i didnt realize he was cooking one until after the fact. They were by the front door and i didnt bring them to the kitchen.

 

Hes a good guy but not romantic and i need to accept that. We did the whole love langauage thing yrs ago and i even reminded him of it the night before. He knows mine and i know his but i guess we need to read book together instead of just me and doing the quiz.

 

What im realizing at this stage in our relationship is that were not teens Nd college kids anymore were grown ups with kids. Thing is though were not married. He proposed before our 2nd child was conceived and then after that life just got real and i had no interest in a wedding so we just went on and now here we are.

[angelica]

Were going to sedona this wknd without kids. I told him id like to go there since its what we did in 2006 when our anniversary was the same day as our baby shower. We have something buried there that we go find and its a good memory for us.

 

Im just sad and let down cuz i feel after 15 yrs together married or not that he should acklowedge in a way beyond a text. I guess i could have made better effort too and not played the game and just laughed at how not romantic we are.

 

We went to our hs friends wedding last saturday and even the priest talked about how guys cant read girls minds. I should have listened better.

[rocassie]

I have a friend who alternates years for which one plans.  Odd years, as in the year is odd not the anniversary they are celebrating, she plans and even years, he plans.  It has worked out pretty well as they both know the expectation up front, but it isn't always one of them making the effort.

[angelica]

Thats a good idea. But moving forward well just talk ahead of time and make a solid plan. He asked me over text about dinner and i said "im open" but then he never responded. We almost always go out or order take out this yr was the worst and it should have been the beat. I guess we still have the weekend though.

[Garga]

Either plan it yourself, or tell him to plan it. Remind him a lot. A lot.

 

My friend wanted a big, big party for her 40th birthday. So, on her 39th birthday she said to her husband, "Next year, I want a HUGE surprise party for my 40th." And then a month later she told him again. And a month later, she told him again. And she told all her friends, "Help my dh plan my party." And she let him and us know what sort of things she wanted at the party. Not in a controlling way, but in a helpful way so we wouldn't waste time trying to figure out what she wanted.

 

A few days before her 40th birthday rolled around, she was crying to her other friend, "My dh forgot to do a party for me!" Just sobbing. Her friend said, "Well, sometimes men do things like that..."

 

BUT! The funny thing is that he HAD planned the party, (and the friend who said, "sometimes men do things like that" knew that the party was for the next night,) but everyone was soooo good at keeping the secret that my friend was honstly totally shocked to walk into her house the next day, to find us all there to celebrate at her big party. My friend didn't think that he'd be able to keep the secret, or at the very least that her kids wouldn't be able to keep it, but they had. It was pretty hilarious. I'm sure her husband gave her a lot of good natured grief over her lack of trust in him.

 

The lesson: plan it yourself or make it very, very clear exactly what you want him to do.

Edited February 5, 2016 by Garga

[Garga]

P.S. I learned to tell DH exactly what I want the hard way. There was the Year of No Mother's Day, Anniversary, Christmas, or Birthday Presents.

 

I don't know WHAT my dh was thinking, but he didn't get me anything for any holiday for a year and I am a girl who loves to celebrate a holiday. We had just had a baby and our lives were in upheaval and I'm kept thinking, "Oh, I'll forgive him and SURELY he'll remember to get me something for (next holiday.)"

 

I finally caught on that he just wouldn't remember if I didn't remind him. And now I say exactly what I want and he's happy knowing what to do and I'm happy getting what I want. It's lovely. No game playing.

 

It's ok to be upset about your flubbed annniversary, but don't be like me and let it go on and on and on. Nip it in the bud and don't let it fester and don't get resentful.

[HS Mom in NC]

Thats a good idea. But moving forward well just talk ahead of time and make a solid plan. He asked me over text about dinner and i said "im open" but then he never responded. We almost always go out or order take out this yr was the worst and it should have been the beat. I guess we still have the weekend though.

***EDIT:***OOPS!  I must've paged down too fast and didn't see the Sedona post, I saw the one under it. ****

Does the bolded mean you expect him to plan something special for the weekend?  If so, does he know that?  I'm not completely sure I know based on what's in the post what you expect or why this year should've been the best (I assume beat was a typo.  I do that too sometimes. ) If so, you need to tell him asap something like, "What do you think we should we do for our anniversary this weekend?" Listen to his ideas.  If he doesn't have any or you don't enjoy what he suggested, then make a few suggestions yourself that you think the both of you will enjoy and see if you two can come to an agreement on what to do.

 

If you want something, you'll have to say so out loud in plain English.  People can't read other people's minds. Saying nothing or saying you don't care while secretly hoping for something isn't a realistic way to get it and it isn't a healthy way to interact. Assuming someone will pick up on your sarcasm/joke is a gamble.  When you gamble you are more likely to lose than win. Not everyone thinks celebrating anniversaries is important, so if he doesn't and you do, then you need to tell him so.  "Celebrating our anniversary means a lot to me.  I really like it when you _______________________ for our anniversary." 

 

Edited February 5, 2016 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[Jean in Newcastle]

A weekend away sounds pretty special to me.  We haven't gone away just the two of us in 23 years. 

[angelica]

Yes i meant best. Im not leaving it up to him we talked last night while in bed about going. We have a special spot there so visit it and then mountain bike and have lunch or dinner. Your right about gambling and losing when you do. I will be more up front and not joke around cuz love is not a joke.

 

Im still learning though..and thats ok right? Live and learn.. Ill be talking to him about getting married, finally.

 

Its been a while since weve discussed that and its more important to me now than it was all these years ago and im ready now vs when we moved in together at 20.

 

I suppose if i dont express that it wont ever happen. I want us all to have the same last name. I want my 84 year old grandparents to know i finally married my hs sweetheart. Thanks for letting me vent. I feel like an ahole now for overreacting and crying because all i got was a text for our anniversary.

 

He expresses love differently. I need to accept that.

Edited February 6, 2016 by angelica

[angelica]

And it wont be a wknd away it will be a day trip 😉.

[Jean in Newcastle]

So?  Still special.  I think you need to reframe all of this. 

[angelica]

So?  Still special.  I think you need to reframe all of this. 

 

There is no "so". just saying to clarify since it seemed the person above assumed it was a weekend away. A day trip to beautiful sedona is plenty special, extra special in fact. It's a place we both love and I'm excited to mountain bike with him and dig up our treasure box underneath a secret tree.  And yes, I have "reframed" all of this and have some clarity surrounding it. I know he loves me.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There is no "so". just saying to clarify since it seemed the person above assumed it was a weekend away. A day trip to beautiful sedona is plenty special, extra special in fact. It's a place we both love and I'm excited to mountain bike with him and dig up our treasure box underneath a secret tree.  And yes, I have "reframed" all of this and have some clarity surrounding it. I know he loves me.

 

I was that person above 

[Peaceful Isle]

Oh yes, I always tell my dh what I want. This year, I want a week vacation away with him. :p I told him that, um, about 5 times so far and it's still months away, It's been 15 years for us , so I deserve it, lol

My dh is wonderful, kind, and gives me whatever he can afford, but he is not spontaneous . I knew that before we were married. It doesn't make him a bad guy. I think he's pretty awesome, actually.

[creekland]

I guess we still have the weekend though.

 

The Sedona trip sounds nice, but if I were in your shoes, my guy and I would be talking and planning sometime - something we could both look forward to.  It would be a little while off so we had time to look forward to it (and save for it if necessary).

 

Hubby and I were fortunate that we went to a small local amusement park on our first anniversary.  It was a last minute spontaneous thing as both of us had off work, but it led to our deciding each year on our anniversary we'd go somewhere together and do something.  27+ years later we've never missed - not once.  There are a few times we've taken boys with us 'cause they were special trips, but we still got away.

 

I don't have to worry about him remembering, because he loves the break as much as I do.  We decide together where we want to go, then I'm the planner who figures out the other details.  We decide our actual anniversary "meal" together.  It's been hot dogs and/or pizza some years, so that doesn't have to be special.  It's our time together that's special.  Most years it's something small that few tourists ever really go to, but it's still special to us.  Then we take a picture and it hangs on our wall.  It's fun chronicling those 27 years in pics!  I just looked up at my wall at #15.  We were at Sackett's Harbor in NY and took our pic in front of the Seaway Trail Discovery Center.  My mom would have been watching the kids as she lives near there.

 

You and your guy need to sit down and decide what the two of you want to do.  Come to a conclusion as to how you (both) want to celebrate your time together.  Each of you having a script in your mind that you've read, but the other hasn't will only lead to sadness.  It's impossible for anyone to read minds or to read scripts they don't have.  It doesn't have to be elaborate.  It just has to be shared.

 

Im still learning though..and thats ok right? Live and learn...

 

...

 

I feel like an ahole now for overreacting and crying because all i got was a text for our anniversary.

 

You can't fix the past, but you can learn from it and fix the future.  The future doesn't need to wait until next year either.  Ten years from now, you'll be enjoying your anniversary looking back on this one and being glad it spurred you into doing something.

 

Learning from our mistakes is what makes this life better as long as we're willing to actually make changes instead of curling up on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves.  We literally never stop learning - not until we die anyway.

 

If you don't like something about life and can do something about it, do it!

 

Best wishes to you!

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I am married to a hopelessly unromantic man.  I've gotten used to it.  :-)  

 

It does take getting used to.  I'm not going to lie.  When our anniversary comes around, a part of me does sort of inwardly sigh, knowing there will be no big surprises or gestures.  But then the rest of me kicks in and I remember just how caring, loving, and supportive he is EVERY DAY.  What is a once-a-year event compared to that incredible consistency of showing-love-through-actions?  It's not enough to be upset about, that's for sure.  

 

We tend to plan things out together for birthdays and anniversaries.  We have a lot of kids and are on a budget, so these events are low key dinners out, and maybe a movie once a year or so.  lol.  

 

The best thing you can do is adjust your expectations, take planning into your own hands, and above all, make your wishes known, clearly and not passively.  Say, "I would love to go do xyz with you next weekend.  Can you pick a restaurant for afterwards and make reservations?  I'll arrange a babysitter."  No amount of hinting will ever work, and it will leave you disappointed and him feeling nagged or manipulated.  

 

If everything else in the relationship is good, this is really really not a hill to die on!

[Rachel]

Sounds like you have a good plan. My husband and I are high school sweethearts as well, coming up on 15 years of marriage. I definitely have to tell him if I expect a date to celebrate an anniversary. I may have to tell him to find a sitter or tell him I found one and he needs to plan something to do. He used to be good at planning special things, but as we have gotten more comfortable as a couple, he isn't as good at it.

 

As far as getting married, you've been together a long time and engaged a long time. If it is important to you to follow through with a marriage, make sure your tell him. Tell him exactly what you expect whether it's a ceremony or going down to the courthouse. Let him know if you expect a honeymoon afterward or a special dinner. Let him know the timeline you have in mind as well. Make sure you listen to what he wants as well and then compromise if you aren't on the same page.

 

I'm sorry your anniversary didn't work out as you planned, I hope you can learn from this experience though.

[wintermom]

 

We went to our hs friends wedding last saturday and even the priest talked about how guys cant read girls minds. I should have listened better.

 

Nope, no one can read minds - especially when you change your mind. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

Particular days(b-days, anniversaries) have never been important to either Dh or myself, but if they were I'd expect for him to tell me point blank what he wants from me, so I try to do the same for him.  

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Thanks for the replies. I know i was in the wrong for leaving him to read my mind. I just was hoping and yeah your all right that never works.

 

And i should rephrase. I didnt half ass the stuff i was rushed and had only few minutes and wanted to leave something for him rather than nothing. And the tortillas i didnt realize he was cooking one until after the fact. They were by the front door and i didnt bring them to the kitchen.

 

Hes a good guy but not romantic and i need to accept that. We did the whole love langauage thing yrs ago and i even reminded him of it the night before. He knows mine and i know his but i guess we need to read book together instead of just me and doing the quiz.

 

What im realizing at this stage in our relationship is that were not teens Nd college kids anymore were grown ups with kids. Thing is though were not married. He proposed before our 2nd child was conceived and then after that life just got real and i had no interest in a wedding so we just went on and now here we are.

 

Gently because I realize that you are frustrated that your hopes for the day didn't come to fruition.

 

What was it the anniversary of?  Was this the date of your first date, first kiss, something else?  I have a hard enough time remembering our wedding date anniversary.  I would never be able to keep track of anniversaries of other significant milestones.

 

I frequently forget our anniversary.  It is right around another big holiday and just gets covered up by the hoopla for the other season.  Also, we have had to reschedule our observance of another year because we were traveling, moving or one of us was away on business.

 

Why not celebrate in a month with getting married?  It doesn't have to be a giant party with the wedding trappings that are marketed by the wedding industry.  I've had friends who catered with Kentucky Fried Chicken.  There is no reason you couldn't be married quietly in a church* or by a justice of the peace.  *I am confident that most of our pastors would be happy to perform a wedding at little expense given a few weeks notice.  

[IsabelC]

I know we shouldn't generalize, but I honestly think that blokes, on the whole, just don't care about romantic gestures as much as most women do. They tend to think that just being there living with you, working to earn money, parenting their kids, doing jobs around the house, or whatever they do, should be enough to let you know that they care. Also they don't tend to get subtle hints, and may interpret these as passive aggression. (Yep, another big generalization. Obviously some men aren't like I'm describing.) You may have to be totally explicit about what you need and what you would like. As in "I feel like you don't love me when you don't do anything for our anniversary/other occasion. I would like for us to celebrate [insert important special dates] by doing [insert preferred activities]. Would you please [insert exactly what you would like him to do, eg book dinner]". 

 

And I would second the suggestion to clarify your relationship with your partner. Obviously would be fine to stay 'engaged' indefinitely if that's what worked for both of you. But it sounds like you would prefer to marry, so if he simply sees 'engaged' as an institution of itself, somewhere between cohabiting and married, then you have an issue there. Definitely worth talking over.

 

(FWIW, we are coming up to our 20 year wedding anniversary this year, and I've already been talking about it on and off for a couple months. I told him that if he wants another 20 years he needs to convince me ;)   Actually, it might be good to go back to getting handfasted for a year or so, and revisiting it periodically, so the men couldn't grow complacent!)

Edited February 7, 2016 by IsabelC

[vonfirmath]

We don't try to celebrate anniversaries on weeknights.  It's just too hard and there are too many routines that get in the way.  We discuss it ahead of time and then go out sometime on the weekend. 

 

We do the same thing. Except my husband works the tax season and our anniversary is March 20.  We celebrate after April 15, on a weekend when we can get childcare.

[HS Mom in NC]

 OP, if someone in the past sent you the message that you shouldn't say what you want, then they were wrong.  You're entitled to speak your mind and your heart and you're not doing anything wrong when you do.  You have a right to be heard because what you think, feel and want are important and valuable. 

Sometimes parents or others tell or imply to girls that saying what they want is selfish. It's not. Demanding your own way all the time is selfish, but that's not what you're talking about here.  You're talking about asking someone you love to celebrate an anniversary in a way that resonates with you in a way and that's perfectly reasonable. You're asking to talk about where this relationship you share is going and to voice where you want it to go and how.  All of that is perfectly reasonable, so no matter how he responds to you, know that voicing your heart and mind on these matters is a very good thing.

[angelica]

I thought I would update and say that our trip yesterday was great. I apologized for my princess moment and we had a good talk about life and the future as we made our drive up to find our vortex tree and memento. He wasn't sure he remembered where it was but luckily he did because I would have never been able to find it on my own! We ate tiny overpriced sandwiches by the tree then drove to whole foods to buy a snack to fuel us for our bike ride. It was a beautiful day and there was some snow melting so it was a muddy and extra fun adventure.

 

Afterwards we locked up our bikes to a tree and went off roading where all the pink jeeps go for the tours. I did headstands and marveled at how beautiful Sedona looked even upside down. We laughed about how the last time we did that drive I could barely do a "real" push up, and now I can do something I never thought I'd be able to do. I thanked him for paying my $80 gym membership each month for the last 18 months and how that alone is the best gift. Had he shot me down on wanting to go to a closer and nicer gym, I would not discovered a passion for yoga. 

 

So in my mind now, our anniversary wasn't such a bust after all because now we know what NOT to do. 

 

 

 

[fraidycat]

I am married to a hopelessly unromantic man. I've gotten used to it. :-)

 

It does take getting used to. I'm not going to lie. When our anniversary comes around, a part of me does sort of inwardly sigh, knowing there will be no big surprises or gestures. But then the rest of me kicks in and I remember just how caring, loving, and supportive he is EVERY DAY. What is a once-a-year event compared to that incredible consistency of showing-love-through-actions? It's not enough to be upset about, that's for sure.

 

We tend to plan things out together for birthdays and anniversaries. We have a lot of kids and are on a budget, so these events are low key dinners out, and maybe a movie once a year or so. lol.

 

The best thing you can do is adjust your expectations, take planning into your own hands, and above all, make your wishes known, clearly and not passively. Say, "I would love to go do xyz with you next weekend. Can you pick a restaurant for afterwards and make reservations? I'll arrange a babysitter." No amount of hinting will ever work, and it will leave you disappointed and him feeling nagged or manipulated.

 

If everything else in the relationship is good, this is really really not a hill to die on!

My poor, hopelessly romantic husband found himself a hopelessly unromantic wife who finds romantic gestures cheesy and trite.

 

Hopefully I make up for it by being decent in the day to day stuff.

[Janeway]

My honest opinion...it goes both ways. You need to communicate more. Eating out or doing something was important to you. It was as much his anniversary as it was yours. You were thinking about it all day, but you never said anything straight out. It was not your birthday, so it was not just that he needed to surprise you. It was both yours day. Next time you want to do something for your anniversary, tell him. And then you won't be disappointed. I don't think he did anything wrong. I think he just didn't catch that you were making a joke nor did he guess that you had wanted to eat out. 

 

Happy Anniversary!

[mamiof5]

I thought I would update and say that our trip yesterday was great. I apologized for my princess moment and we had a good talk about life and the future as we made our drive up to find our vortex tree and memento. He wasn't sure he remembered where it was but luckily he did because I would have never been able to find it on my own! We ate tiny overpriced sandwiches by the tree then drove to whole foods to buy a snack to fuel us for our bike ride. It was a beautiful day and there was some snow melting so it was a muddy and extra fun adventure.

 

Afterwards we locked up our bikes to a tree and went off roading where all the pink jeeps go for the tours. I did headstands and marveled at how beautiful Sedona looked even upside down. We laughed about how the last time we did that drive I could barely do a "real" push up, and now I can do something I never thought I'd be able to do. I thanked him for paying my $80 gym membership each month for the last 18 months and how that alone is the best gift. Had he shot me down on wanting to go to a closer and nicer gym, I would not discovered a passion for yoga.

 

So in my mind now, our anniversary wasn't such a bust after all because now we know what NOT to do.

I love Sedona!!! Glad things turned around for you. Happy anniversary!!

[ktgrok]

 

Men being clueless doesn't mean they don't care, they're just clueless.

 

 

And not just men. Today is the anniversarry of the day we met. I have never once remembered this day. He always does. I came home last night to roses and once again asked, "hey, what are the flowers for?" EVERY YEAR. I swear i do love him, I just am awful with dates. (I do know all the kids birthdays and he doesn't, so there is that.)

 

Oh, and to make it worse, since he bought the flowers last night I posted on Facebook that yesterday was our anniversary, but I'd forgotten. He then commented on my post letting me know it's actually today, he just knew he wouldn't have a chance to buy flowers today because he works late on thursdays. So yeah, I suck. But it isn't that I don't care. Luckily he doesn't get upset. In fact, I think he thinks it is funny. 

[fraidycat]

And not just men. Today is the anniversarry of the day we met. I have never once remembered this day. He always does. I came home last night to roses and once again asked, "hey, what are the flowers for?" EVERY YEAR. I swear i do love him, I just am awful with dates. (I do know all the kids birthdays and he doesn't, so there is that.)

 

Oh, and to make it worse, since he bought the flowers last night I posted on Facebook that yesterday was our anniversary, but I'd forgotten. He then commented on my post letting me know it's actually today, he just knew he wouldn't have a chance to buy flowers today because he works late on thursdays. So yeah, I suck. But it isn't that I don't care. Luckily he doesn't get upset. In fact, I think he thinks it is funny.

My Dad is the "the day we met" rememberer, too. Funny thing is that my DH and I met exactly 30 years to the day after my parents did. You'd think that I would know the date of this event, but Nope - I have to ask my parents every year. I know the general time frame, but just can not keep the exact date in my head.