Your thoughts and experiences please?

[chocolate-chip chooky]

In my ongoing quest to understand my daughter and help her understand herself, I've started reading yet another book. This one is called Some of My Best Friends Are Books - Guiding Gifted Readers.

 

The book discusses giftedness in general and the role that books play in a gifted child's life.

 

I've been reading the section about identity and how gifted children must recognise and accept their own giftedness in order to be wholly themselves.

 

Here's a quote from the book that has got me thinking: ...they feel they must choose between being themselves and being liked.

 

And another:  It takes courage to be oneself - to be different and to like oneself despite the difference.

 

What are your thoughts and experiences regarding this?

[kiana]

Well, I know that I always did have to choose between being myself and being liked. Nobody else gave a rip about greek mythology or latin etymology or the history of mathematics or the genetics of chickens or anything else I was interested in. 

 

btw, nice wyandotte :)

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Kiana, I'd sit and talk Wyandottes all day with you  :) 

Oh my, how we love our chickens...

 

All those topics you mentioned - those are exactly the things my 9 year old talks about. It's near impossible to find a friend who shares her interests, as she's developed a real aversion to children in general. She'll seek out conversations with adults and ignore the children. I don't know if this is something I need to help her work on or if it's something to just roll with....

[kiana]

Sent your quote to my mother, who doesn't have an account here. She wants to reply and says:

 

"You cannot make your child "normal" or "average." Find adults for peers. (Sooner or later she will grow up and still won't have many peers. Sorry.)"

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Thanks Kiana and thanks to your mum for her input.

 

As a child, did you find friends? Or did you have an aversion to children like my daughter? Did it matter in the long run?

Did you adapt the version of yourself to suit the situation and to be liked?  My daughter hasn't done this at all (yet) but she's only 9. I'm wondering what will happen when she hits the more social ages of 11-12ish.

 

As a family, we're all very receptive to my daughter's topics of conversation and range of interests and I know this helps. It certainly bonds us all quite tightly.

 

It would be nice to have a crystal ball to look into the future and see if what we're doing now is okay.

Right now, it's much like the title of the book - some of her best friends are books.

[kiana]

I had siblings and that helped. I never did find other kids that I fit in with, I always fit in better with adults. I didn't learn to adapt myself to fit in until graduate school, really. 

 

Most of my good friends I've found online on various message boards. I also developed some other interests which helped me connect to friends (martial arts was a big one). 

 

I think it would have been majorly ameliorated if I'd gone to a better school for undergrad but I had some other issues that precluded that happening. My brother found many awesome friends at his Ivy League school. 

[Arcadia]

I have plenty of cousins (more than 30) nearby and also was free range. That helped a lot.

 

Also my extended family was big on social etiquette from toddlers stage. So we knew how to play up or tone down depending on who we are talking to.

 

My best friends are and were boys more than girls (other than cousins). However my area of interest is fighter planes (e.g. F4, F5, F16) as well as catapults and rocketry so it makes sense.

 

My DS11 and DS10 have different personalities. DS11 is like me, a rule creator/bender and group former and so far can blend easily with any age. He can round up strangers to chat and play. DS10 prefers his age group but has caught on to social cues compared to two years ago. However he is a group joiner so he would go for peers he know.

 

As long as she is not using reading to avoid people, I won't worry about her not having close friends now. It may happen in volunteer work, internship, college, even work. She is still young.

[Arcadia]

For genetics of chickens try 4H. My friend's 11 year old son rear chickens in his backyard and have no problems discussing in depth with children and adults from 4H.

 

Another thing is a child used to talking to adults may not be used to talking with children her age. As long as there are adults around, there is no incentive to talk to children. Social talk is a cultivated skill though some kids may have innate talent in that.

 

Would she want to give a talk on chickens at a children's museum or zoo? Not as an official volunteer but as part of show and tell? As in would she like to do an activity for them even if she does not want to do an activity with them?

[SanDiegoMom]

My husband and I are both I guess what you'd call gifted.  However he thrives on friendship and can get along with anyone, whereas being around people that don't share my interests or mesh with my personality drains me.  So its not just a gifted vs non, but also an introversion vs extroversion. 

 

 

I don't necessarily feel like its a decision of "being themselves or being liked".  There are ways to find common interests that aren't intellectually based -- people don't go around talking about their primary passions with every person they meet.  However, if a kid is two standard deviations above the norm, it will be hard for them to relate to someone their own age. When we moved into our house here one of my neighbors suggested my son get to know the other nine year old boy on the street.  They started talking and it was like they were speaking a different language.  For my daughter, who loves being surrounded by people, she would just naturally adapt her conversation to find interests that they shared.  She is a true people person.  For my son, however, it was just not going to work. I could see him getting more and more emotionally drained before my eyes! It was painful to watch. 

 

It definitely depends on the area too.  We were able to find more peers when we lived in San Diego than here in a more rural part of Virginia. 

 

 

[regentrude]

Very spot on. DD felt as soon as she started school that she did not "fit". She tried to figure out why, thought it was because we were immigrants, refused to speak the family language for a year. After testing and realizing that she is gifted, she came to a better understanding.

Middle  school was horrible; relentless bullying for being "different". In hindsight, I should have taken her out of school at the end of elementary.

She only ever had one same age friend for a while. At the barn, she made friends with girls several years older than her. When she started college classes at the university at age 13, she made friends with regular students. All her best friends are several years older. She always related extremely well to adults.

 

Now, at uni, she is an environment of like minded people, has friends, feels herself. The best thing we have ever done was homeschool her to remove her from the unhealthy social environment at school.

[Dmmetler]

Well, I know that I always did have to choose between being myself and being liked. Nobody else gave a rip about greek mythology or latin etymology or the history of mathematics or the genetics of chickens or anything else I was interested in.

 

btw, nice wyandotte :)

I think that's one reason why my DD struggles so much. Her interests are animals that a lot of people are scared of, computer operating systems, etymology and words, and neat math stuff. Emotionally it's just hard being a tween girl with interests that others don't share. It's why traveling out of state for a week of summer camp is worth it, and why we're looking seriously at moving if we could find a good school fit. It's not for the academics, it's totally for the social. Part of it is where we are, I suspect. We're in an area where academics aren't valued, and neither is the natural world. One reason why DD enjoys cheer is that it's a "socially normative physical activity". Just the fact she thinks of it that way speaks volumes.

 

Homeschooling helps, but it doesn't solve it all. I'm a little afraid we'll move and find out that it's no better.

 

Sometimes it really hurts when photos from 4-5-6 years come up in my FB feed. DD was so much happier back then.

Edited January 31, 2016 by dmmetler

[lisabees]

I am not sure if my boys cared about being liked too much.  They were more disgusted by school and the silly rules and the drama amongst the students.  They just couldn't buy into that.  They were always on their own, doing their own projects.  They regularly chose that over playing with neighborhood kids.

 

More than anything, I realized how difficult it must be to be them.  To have the notebooks filled with ideas that they could not share with like-minded souls.  To lie awake at night, not able to shut their minds off.  To be mocked for using difficult vocabulary and knowledge when responding to a simple question. To be on the outside, looking in at others who have very different priorities.

 

College is when things fall into place.  That's why DS16 wants to graduate next year (early).

 

 

 

 

[Gil]

In my ongoing quest to understand my daughter and help her understand herself, I've started reading yet another book. This one is called Some of My Best Friends Are Books - Guiding Gifted Readers.

 

The book discusses giftedness in general and the role that books play in a gifted child's life.

 

I've been reading the section about identity and how gifted children must recognise and accept their own giftedness in order to be wholly themselves.

 

Here's a quote from the book that has got me thinking: ...they feel they must choose between being themselves and being liked.

 

And another:  It takes courage to be oneself - to be different and to like oneself despite the difference.

 

What are your thoughts and experiences regarding this?

 

Gifted children are far from the only ones who may struggle socially. My thoughts are that those passages apply to darn near every individual, regardless of their academic/intellectual abilities.

[Donna]

My husband and I are both I guess what you'd call gifted.  However he thrives on friendship and can get along with anyone, whereas being around people that don't share my interests or mesh with my personality drains me.  So its not just a gifted vs non, but also an introversion vs extroversion. 

 

I agree. I think it is more an introversion vs. extroversion thing. 

 

I was fine having 1-2 close friends who I shared everything with and a lot of acquaintances in school. I tended to have more male friends than females because I couldn't deal with what I viewed as drama. I didn't hang out in groups and "party" in high school and still do not enjoy large gatherings where I'll be expected to keep up my half of a conversation. It is draining and I end up sitting with one other person or by myself listening to everyone else.

 

My dh and kids can talk to anyone from toddlers to elderly about anything without changing a thing about themselves to do it. My dd when tested fell right in the middle of the introversion/extroversion scale. She doesn't seem to care about same age friends and enjoys her time alone creating, crafting, or practicing. She seems to see anyone who shares her interests as a friend. She has always been this way. She would say her best friend right now is a boy 3yrs older than her who she plays music with. They share a lot of the same interests and talk all the time.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

Thank you for all your perspectives.

 

The introvert/extrovert point is a very good one and I agree with Gil that the quote would apply to all of us in some contexts. Is it true though that those struggles of identity happen in more contexts for gifted children? I wonder too if level of giftedness has any implication. I really don't know.

 

Also, according to some other reading I was doing, the majority of the gifted population are introverts, whereas in the general population only 25 - 35% are introverts.

 

In my heart, I just want my daughter to be herself and be happy being herself. Her social skills are absolutely fine in a group of adults. In fact, they're really good. She comes across as mature, confident, witty and knowledgable. In a group of unknown children, she's likely to be hiding or scowling - she's that uncomfortable. In a group of known children, she's hanging out with the mums.

The bottom line for me is whether this is okay. Do I let her just gradually grow up with adults as her social outlet or am I denying her some social skills by not nudging her into more child-oriented situations?

She just hasn't yet met a child that she wants to hang out with.

 

What is 4H? I've never heard of it. We're in Australia, so maybe it's a US thing??

Edited January 31, 2016 by chocolate-chip chooky

[quark]

 

In my heart, I just want my daughter to be herself and be happy being herself. Her social skills are absolutely fine in a group of adults. In fact, they're really good. She comes across as mature, confident, witty and knowledgable. In a group of unknown children, she's likely to be hiding or scowling - she's that uncomfortable. In a group of known children, she's hanging out with the mums.

The bottom line for me is whether this is okay. Do I let her just gradually grow up with adults as her social outlet or am I denying her some social skills by not nudging her into more child-oriented situations?

She just hasn't yet met a child that she wants to hang out with.

 

 

I agree with introversion/ extroversion and I think it could also be a gender thing sometimes. I see more girls than boys trying to adapt or change themselves to fit into a social situation. I wish I had been told from young to celebrate my weirdness and differences. Instead, I was always asked to comply until compliance and adapting and changing myself became the thing I was so good at. To the point where it has really affected relationships now that I am refusing to be that person and be more of my true self. I notice this in other friends too who have grown up in similar ways, whether gifted or not. Once we hit our 40s, things seem to change, we become more comfortable with ourselves and start to realize who our true friends are. But it has taken so long for this to happen and we've allowed so much to be lost along the way. I wish I had had the confidence then that I have now.

 

As for your question about whether you should nudge her, I think you should take her cue in MOST cases. Let her feel safe. But allow for one or two situations a week or 2 weeks or month (whatever she is comfortable with) where she is slightly challenged. It could be a one-on-one playdate for example in your house where you have control. Take it from there.

 

My son has been on a community college campus since 11 years old and is now starting at a university campus as a 13yo. These are the places where his eyes light up socially (because the dealings are minimal and it's only the really mature students, apart from profs and a graduate student, who even talk to him) and where his brain is intellectually stimulated so that he feels so much more at ease. At other venues, we are slowly finding other old souls like him. He just attended a social function with a group of boys who are so like him, sweet, smart, into logic games vs aggressive rough-and-tumble stuff etc. He came away smiling from ear to ear. There are bound to be nice rough-and-tumble boys too but that's not him and it has taken us some time to find the right fit socially and emotionally. It's super hard on him sometimes because he is tall and broad shouldered so people naturally assume he will also be very into sports or high activity but he's not. He's the gentle giant, give me an armchair and a novel or book of puzzles sort of kid.

 

Sometimes, like pps indicated, you also need to split up these opportunities. Where she finds social and emotional comfort might not also be where she finds intellectual comfort

 

Edited January 31, 2016 by quark

[Arcadia]

4H is a US thing. Not sure what the equivalent would be in AU. Not sure if Brownies/Girl Guides would have chickens. My former troop (SE Asia) did the weirdest stuff :)

 

There might be an element of shyness and that her comfort level might be adults. As long as she is not "hiding" at social functions, its okay. It takes time and exposure to reach tolerant level. For example, I dislike small talk but I can do it if the situation requires it.

 

My kids register in the 45-55% range for introvert/extrovert scale of those personality quizzes. So do I. It probably helps us blend.

[quark]

Kiana, I'd sit and talk Wyandottes all day with you  :)

Oh my, how we love our chickens...

 

All those topics you mentioned - those are exactly the things my 9 year old talks about. It's near impossible to find a friend who shares her interests, as she's developed a real aversion to children in general. She'll seek out conversations with adults and ignore the children. I don't know if this is something I need to help her work on or if it's something to just roll with....

 

For me it was books, music, dance and dogs. You would think these were easy topics for most girls my age but somehow no. I was always the odd one, something-wrong-with-me kid because I didn't know or care much about who the popular musicians were, only the more traditional ones. And my interest in dogs went way beyond oh-they-are-so-cute. I wanted to know all about dog genetics and ancestry and reasons for breeding dachshunds vs collies. Most acquaintances didn't even understand the differences between the breeds or care to ask why. When I was 15, I finally met one girl who loved both dogs and music to the extent I did and like me, her parents also didn't care to extend her music education to the level she wanted to go. So there we were, 2 dog and music lovers, not expert enough in music to mingle with the girls who had been allowed to study it in depth but had no time for or interest in tone and rhythm "analyzers" like us...but also too expert in dog breeds to interest the oh-dogs-are-cute girls. She is still one of my very few childhood friends that I care to keep in touch with despite the miles separating us.

 

Sometimes you do get lucky.

[SeaConquest]

In my ongoing quest to understand my daughter and help her understand herself, I've started reading yet another book. This one is called Some of My Best Friends Are Books - Guiding Gifted Readers.

 

The book discusses giftedness in general and the role that books play in a gifted child's life.

 

I've been reading the section about identity and how gifted children must recognise and accept their own giftedness in order to be wholly themselves.

 

Here's a quote from the book that has got me thinking: ...they feel they must choose between being themselves and being liked.

 

And another:  It takes courage to be oneself - to be different and to like oneself despite the difference.

 

What are your thoughts and experiences regarding this?

 

My very extroverted son is more globally gifted. I doubt that he is PG (he's never been tested, but just my guess), and is also less pointy than some of the kids discussed on this board. I think that all of those things shape my answer because I think that my DS is both himself and very well liked by his age peers. He is still very young, and has much growing and changing to do, but he generally doesn't have any problem fitting in with others in a variety of environments.

 

I would say that the only social challenge I find with him presently is that, while he plays and enjoys sports, he doesn't seem to be as sports focused as many of the other boys his age. My son would much rather talk about Minecraft or Pokemon, or invent complicated imaginary games with friends vs. shooting hoops or playing football.

[SanDiegoMom]

He just attended a social function with a group of boys who are so like him, sweet, smart, into logic games vs aggressive rough-and-tumble stuff etc. He came away smiling from ear to ear. There are bound to be nice rough-and-tumble boys too but that's not him and it has taken us some time to find the right fit socially and emotionally. It's super hard on him sometimes because he is tall and broad shouldered so people naturally assume he will also be very into sports or high activity but he's not. He's the gentle giant, give me an armchair and a novel or book of puzzles sort of kid.

 

 

 

 

This is our son too -- minus the tall and broad shouldered part :-)  It's hard to find boys for him to play with since they are always interested in sword fighting or wrestling and ds would much prefer to just sit and play Settlers of Catan or Pandemic! And its been this way since he was little.  Their PS was awesome, giving three recesses a day to Kindergarteners, except my son came home upset every day.  He never understood why everyone was running around like crazy without any order or purpose. So finding a boy at that age who has a similar temperament -- didn't happen! 

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I'm still reading through this book and I'm really enjoying it.

It's giving me a refresher in gifted characteristics and the important role of books. Now it's on to bibliotherapy - using books as therapy. This is something I've done in the past, as recommended in a Linda Silverman book, I believe.

 

When I find some great fiction to read aloud with my daughter where a character is relatable or needs to overcome a challenge close to home, this is great for us. My daughter doesn't feel so alone in her way of experiencing the world, she may learn a few coping strategies and it opens up discussions sort of at arms length, if that makes sense.

 

Two of the best books we've read so far for this have been written by a psychologist, Allis Wade, specifically as bibliotherapy, and they are called Orientation and Revelations.

 

Right now, I'm needing some bibliotherapy regarding perfectionism. Any ideas?

 

[eternalsummer]

As a child (I was HG but not PG), I was decent at having close friends who weren't bright, but I was apt to pretend not to know things sometimes just to fit in a bit better.  Not necessarily a bad skill, but there it is.  I still find myself doing this in many social situations - it's inappropriate to always understand everything the first time, or to have lots of background knowledge about most things.  My sixth sense always told me that this was likely to piss "normal" people off and so I should hide it somewhat.  I do this by asking for clarification when I don't need it, or expressing confusion or ignorance about something so the other person has the opportunity to be the smarter, more knowledgeable one.

 

In 2nd and 3rd grade I went to a school zoned for married student housing for the University of Texas; about 1/3 of the kids were children of grad students, mostly immigrants, and they were as bright as me.  It was great; the best friend of my childhood was made there.

 

Again in high school I met a girl as bright as me and it was a relief; there is a kind of relationship you can have with someone where you don't have to pretend to not understand things which is very freeing.  I married her older brother :)

Edited February 7, 2016 by ananemone

[eternalsummer]

I do have a hilarious and embarrassing experience to relate as a bright high school kid in a mainstream school; on the bus to a marching band competition one of my sort-of-friends was sitting next to me and talking to another girl I knew about Jay-Z.  I of course didn't listen to popular music; I said, "Oh!  James Dean!  My mom has a poster of him!"

 

They looked at me with some bafflement, and the sort-of-friend, who knew I was kind of a nerd, said, "No, Sara, not James *Dean*, Jay *Z*." I must have looked really lost because they laughed and turned away.

 

The school I went to for high school had 2500 kids (approx. 600 per grade) so there were enough gifted kids to have intellectual peers and social cachet (among them) for being bright, which was a change from elementary and a welcome one.

 

Until high school I also preferred adult conversation.

 

[kiwik]

Like Arcadia I had a physically close extended family and a free range existance. At school I always had a cousin in my class. I got on.OK with everyone but my only close childhood friend was a year older and moved away when I was 8 or so. As adult I have a few close friends (both male) but unless I have a very undemanding job I need a lot of time alone out of work.

[Pen]

When I was a kid I went for a few years each to 2 schools for gifted children, which helped immensely as compared to being in regular schools. I think G children may tend to be introverts b/c they have few people with whom to be extroverted. So that kids would come in to those schools sometimes, me included, as rather lonely introverts who mainly related to books or adults, and then find that there were others who shared interests which led to much more extroversion.  I also found friendships with neighborhood kids based on things like bike riding, climbing trees, and searching for frogs.

 

 

My ds had the tendency to relate only to adults and when he was in Waldorf K, a rule was made for him that adults were not supposed to get into conversations with him so that he had to relate to other kids. It worked quite well for him, but I am not sure it would have worked for any kid. I am also not sure if trading an interest in bats, bat habitats, bat issues such as white nose, which was an example of an interest of his at that time, for an interest in whatever the other kids were mainly interested in at that time (smutty songs, I think it may have been) was long term valuable in terms of the interest. But he surely learned to relate to peers much better. And I think that has value. It certainly can have a benefit in terms of happiness for some kids.

 

He was thence lucky for a number of years to have one neighborhood friend who had similar interests, but who, alas, moved away. One close peer friend and can make a big difference.

 

I would say neither my son nor I are "natural" introverts, so this may be different for a child who would prefer to read even if there were lots of kids around with similar interests.  Even at the gifted children schools, some kids were more or less introverted, and it did not match up with the smartest being the introverts.

[Guest aliana04]

In my heart, I just want my daughter to be herself and be happy being herself. Her social skills are absolutely fine in a group of adults. In fact, they're really good. She comes across as mature, confident, witty and knowledgable. In a group of unknown children, she's likely to be hiding or scowling - she's that uncomfortable. In a group of known children, she's hanging out with the mums.

The bottom line for me is whether this is okay. Do I let her just gradually grow up with adults as her social outlet or am I denying her some social skills by not nudging her into more child-oriented situations?

She just hasn't yet met a child that she wants to hang out with.

 

If her social skills are fine in a group of adults, then her social skills are fine in general. If she's uncomfortable with kids her age, I wouldn't push it. She's obviously not finding any meaningful connections, or she wouldn't be uncomfortable, and connection isn't really something you can force into existence. If she's happy hanging out with adults, and feels like she can be herself, then that's what she needs to do. That acceptance is significantly more important than age. Consider yourself: do you choose friends by common interests and emotional connection, or do you only make friends with people whose birthdays are within a specific range?

 

She will be absolutely fine, as long as she is supported and connected to someone, somewhere. Growing up, the people I chose to hang out with were usually either older or younger than me. As others have said, school was tough, college was better. Adulthood is awesome, because I have a much wider range of people to draw from, and I legitimately don't care if people think my interests are weird. I'm biased, perhaps, but I feel like I'm a pretty well-rounded, emotionally and socially normal person. :-)

 

Maybe you can find clubs or interest groups for her that aren't necessarily children's groups? Gifted support groups are also very helpful. Also, please make sure she knows she's not the only one who has been in this situation, and it does get better! Good luck!

[8filltheheart]

I didn't have time to read all the replies. I stopped at Gil's bc I agree with him. My 2most gifted children are actually 2 of my happiest children with their friends. One is an extrovert, one is an introvert. Both handle friendships differently. Ds loves to be around a lot of people and hangs out with people according to the situation. Some friends he just plays basketball with, with others he likes to talk or play strategy games. He goes with the flow. Dd has lots of acquaintances, but only yearns for 1 close friend. Dd's friend is not gifted, but she is a very nice girl and they talk about things that we don't do here. For example, her friend loves the Piano Guys. Not something she would have learned about from anything we do. :) (it takes her a long time to find a close friend bc she is such an introvert, but that is more of her personality than being gifted.)

 

I think for my kids, anyway, it is learning that friendships don't have to focus on their everyday interests. They can expand their horizons a bit and follow someone else's lead. But, their friendships do form within a certain level of comfort zone. Dd's close friend is also an quiet introvert who loves to read. What she is reading is very different, but the personality gells. Loud, boisterous extroverts are not going to be people she is naturally attracted to get to know better.

 

Fwiw, it may be having an Aspie for an older brother makes them realize that friendships require a lot of giving and adapting vs expecting a perfect match.

Edited February 12, 2016 by 8FillTheHeart

[Woodland Mist Academy]

I agree that it's not all about giftedness. It is not the only factor at play, nor is it the only answer. Finding other gifted kids to befriend is sometimes not the answer at all.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

There are clearly many factors at play - giftedness, LOG perhaps, introvert/extrovert, overall personality and interests, attitudes of  key adults.

 

Adaptability is a life skill, isn't it? How does this skill sit in terms of social development, I wonder.

 

I guess the question comes down to how much we're all willing to adapt to suit different situations or social groups. Does adapting mean masking your true self? Or is it a more subtle form of molding?

We learn to act differently around work colleagues, grandparents, at a sports match or with buddies at a BBQ etc. This sort of understanding of social etiquette in different contexts comes with maturity and experience, I guess.

 

Some people seem like social chameleons and they can adapt to fit in with any background, seemingly effortlessly. I'm so muddled with all this, that I'm not sure any more if this is a positive trait or not. Do chameleons pause at the end of the day and wonder who they really are?

 

I'm sure I'm over-thinking all this. It's just a really interesting book and it's got me thinking about my daughter, her skills (or lack of) and what I should (or shouldn't) be worrying about. :confused1:

[Arcadia]

The social chameleons on my side of the family do have a strong self identity. Social adaptability is just one of their personality traits. Most could charm a bird out of a tree (and are in sales related jobs).

 

Your child is happy and that is what counts :) She is still young.

[8filltheheart]

I disagree that adaptability is being a chameleon if that means that they have to be someone who they are not. Some people do flounder in having a strong identity and tend to become whoever they are around. That is not the same as being true to your core and being able to relate to people who are intellectually different from yourself.

 

The kids I described have very strong self-identities. Honestly, it may be bc they are so strong in who they are that they are able to be more adaptable.