Would you go?

[barnwife]

Edited to delete the personal situation

Summary: I am being asked to attend a gathering where the relationships are not healthy. I was curious if others would attend or not in similar situations.

What would you do? Consider going as DH wants knowing that leaving could be necessary at any moment? Stay home? 
 

Edited November 30, 2015 by barnwife

[QueenCat]

I'd probably go but I'd get a hotel, not stay with your parents. That way you get a break at night and some time to recuperate.

[gracefor5]

I wouldn't go. But I'm getting older and I look forward to time with my immediate family and then extended family that is free of unnecessary stress. Not that we don't annoy each other but you know what I mean. Life is short. Our children grow up fast and things will change. Is there a way to speak with the estranged sister ahead of final plans being set. Is she even open to reconciliation? Or would it be a whole lot of stress for your family and everyone involved without the beginnings of healing. I'm all for working on relationships with people but it takes both to be involved in the process. I'd rather just stay home. :).

[zoobie]

Nope. Find a different date to celebrate.

[Garga]

Why did your family ditch their plans with you to host your sister instead? That might play into this. Did they do it without regard to you? Was it something you insisted that they do--maybe to meet the newly adopted child? Does it mean that they've taken sides against you?

 

Did your estranged sister know that the family was coming to visit you and that's why she decided to visit the family? To make it so you'd be alone at Christmas because she wants to be mean? Or was she hoping that if she came, you'd come too because she wants to be nice?

 

Just how far away are hotels? Over 45 minutes? Can you be sure about the dog?

 

I'd only go if the conditions were exactly right. I would need:

 

...to stay in a hotel--up to 45 minutes' drive away

...for there to be no dog

...for the rest of the family to have clearly NOT picked sides

...for the estranged sister to have decided to come visit the parents now in an effort to see you.

 

Otherwise, pick another time for a rocky reunion. Keep Christmas quiet and happy for your immediate family.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Garga

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I would probably tell my parents that our family wants to be home for our little Christmas traditions, but that we'll come to their house after Christmas, possibly stay over New Year's.  That way, if Sarah had to leave before we arrived, we would miss each other. But we'd still have a special time with my parents.  We could "do Christmas" again, or find creative ways to make the time extra special.  Perhaps Anna would like to do similarly -- have their little family Christmas at home, and join in with extended family over New Year's.

[Ailaena]

I wouldn't go, and I wouldn't feel bad.

 

Per dh's request, you've thought about it. Thinking about it doesn't mean you have to change your mind and submit going through an ordeal. If you want to work on your relationship with your sister, do it when you don't feel pressured to do so.

[PeachyDoodle]

Honestly, I think your parents should have told Sarah she would have to come another time, since they already had plans to visit you. But I don't know the full circumstances, so maybe that is unfair.

 

If your parents and Anna aren't pushing to see you over Christmas, and you don't want to go, I wouldn't stress about going. I can't imagine not spending the holidays without my sister and my parents, but we are close and it's not stressful. Why does your DH want to go so badly?

 

Is there somewhere you could all (or just Anna & Co. plus your parents) meet in the middle for the day? If you have an activity planned, perhaps seeing Sarah wouldn't be so bad?

[barnwife]

Garga,
Good questions. My parents and Anna have chosen to see Sarah solely because she lives the farthest away. (It's close to a 15 hour drive.) Due to her work schedule, she often comes back to visit at most once a year (and sometimes not at all).

A hotel would be about 45 minutes away. 

As for picking sides, yes, if my parents and Anna had to choose, they would choose Sarah. I hate knowing/admitting it, but it's true. They fully admit that it is Sarah who is most at fault but they choose her. "It's just how she is. We need to love her as she is." Those are refrains I have been told repeatedly.

I am am certain as I can be that Sarah would rather not see me/my family (based on conversations with Anna).

[TammyS]

I wouldn't go, but more because I'd be pissed that the people who said they were coming just up and changed their minds.

 

Aside from that, I wouldn't do it.  Whether or not you can heal the rift, I don't know.  But I'm pretty certain it can't be done over a holiday, especially one that starts with resentment for the changed plans and getting jerked around.  What you can do is ruin your holiday by going.

[Word Nerd]

Nope--especially after reading your follow-up post.

[texasmama]

I would not go.  This does not sound like a good set up to "heal a rift".  Nor am I clear that it is what you want.  

 

You have no control over other people's choices, but you can make a stress-free choice for you and yours.

[Lolly]

I would not go. Have a relaxing holiday with your family at home.

[Chris in VA]

Backround--I am estranged from my brother. It's both of our faults. The only time I see him and his family is parties set up at my parents or funerals. It's been 10 years.

 

I wouldn't go. Maybe you could celebrate New Year's at their house after Sarah leaves.

 

I'm sorry you have such a situation in your family. It's hard on everyone. I know it hurts my mom to have her children estranged from each other.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

No.  Too many negatives.  And clearly you do not want to go.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

But take my advice with a grain of salt.  I don't take my own advice.  My MIL is the meanest witch in the entire universe and I'm still stupid enough to visit her.

 

 

[athomeontheprairie]

I won't comment on whether or not you should go, only on the lack of hotels. If you are rural , are there hunting lodges or similar) available that you could get? Here there aren't any hotels but an abundance of lodges, which are seriously a better deal.

[PrincessMommy]

Nope--especially after reading your follow-up post.

 

I agree... esp. after reading the follow up.  Don't go.  pick another time to host and enjoy your family then. 

 

 

[HomeAgain]

Christmas should be about love, giving, and being happy about spending time together.

 

Don't go to your parents.  You won't get that this year.  ^ This is totally doable with your immediate family, in your own home.  It's not even looking like a possibility at your parents.  Send them well wishes from afar, and if Sarah goes home early invite everyone for New Year's.

[JonesinIndiana]

Don't go and don't give it another thought. Enjoy Christmas with your family and plan something special as a treat.

[SKL]

I love family, but under these circumstances I would not go.  I would schedule another visit at a time when Sarah would not be there.

 

I totally understand your mom wanting to spend time with Sarah and her new grandchild.  It is the right thing for your mom to do.  If Anna wants to participate, that's great too.  Since Sarah never acknowledged your kids, you have no obligation to acknowledge hers IMO.  It is sad but not your fault.

[happi duck]

I would not go and I would host the others another time.

 

I have sibs who don't speak so there are two gatherings. I can make them reconcile so I just roll with it.

 

(Hugs)

[mom2scouts]

I wouldn't go either. The fact that you were good enough to host until the sister decided to come is just rude. In your position, I would stay home without guilt and enjoy the holiday with my immediate family.

[Anne in CA]

The follow up post convinced me that going would be a bad idea. They know she is dysfunctional, and they choose her. Fine, let them choose her then. Don't ruin your kid's Christmas over this. You are right to be hurt, I am sorry.

 

As a side note as someone who lives in the middle of nowhere I found it amusing that someone still suggested you stay in a hotel after you said you couldn't, lol. People don't get it. And that's okay.

[Storygirl]

How long is Sarah staying? Can Anna possibly stay one day longer than that, and you show up with your family after Sarah has gone?

 

Also, you could consider driving there and back in one day and staying just long enough for the holiday dinner. I know that it is a long way, but we lived three hours from my family for years, and we often would do a day trip. That way, you would limit your time there but still get to see the family members that you cherish. I would only do this if you and your sister can be civil; otherwise, it will be horrible for everyone.

 

If those ideas would not work, I would probably choose not to go. But I would try not to be resentful and would make a plan to see Anna and the parents in the near future.

[Catwoman]

Stay home. You and your family deserve to enjoy your Christmas, not be stuck in the middle of a stressful situation.

[PeachyDoodle]

Yep, after the follow-up, it's a definite no. Sounds like your family know that *you're* the reasonable one, so they expect you to play nice, even while they cater to your less reasonable sister. Been there, done that.

 

Stay home and enjoy your traditions with your little family.

 

Still don't understand why your DH wants you to go?

[TammyS]

Just in case you need more convincing:

 

Three years ago my in laws wanted us to come and visit them at Christmas (because dh's brother and sister, both childless, were also coming, and we would complete the set).  This was right after my SIL, who never had anything to do with us, was bemoaning that we would never allow her around our kids because she was getting divorced and we are "so religious" (nevermind that we literally never had a single conversation about religion with her, or anyone else in the family, and that she had never written my kids a card, or sent them a present, or bothered to visit).  But, we were told, everyone wanted to see us and the kids.  Fine, ok, we went.  Here's what happened:

 

My teenager was sent by FIL up to the loft to build a complicated lego set.  Literally no one spoke to him the whole time we were there. 

Someone else had built up another complicated Lego set and put it on a coffee table, and then naturally got up set when my 18 month old messed with it (this is what comes of spending holidays with childless people), and got more upset when I suggested we move it to higher ground.

My SIL's new boyfriend literally sat around telling people about how he was ok with watching TV that included nudity with his teen daughter.

 

I was so upset and made miserable by the whole nonsense that I decided never again would we visit any of these people during Christmas.  It wasn't that it was the worst thing ever, but it just hung over our Christmas season like a bad  cloud.

 

Don't do it.

[lllll]

:grouphug:  

Edited December 30, 2015 by w11

[Garga]

The follow up post convinced me that going would be a bad idea. They know she is dysfunctional, and they choose her. Fine, let them choose her then. Don't ruin your kid's Christmas over this. You are right to be hurt, I am sorry.

 

As a side note as someone who lives in the middle of nowhere I found it amusing that someone still suggested you stay in a hotel after you said you couldn't, lol. People don't get it. And that's okay.

 

 

Re: the hotel.  That's why I asked if there was one within 45 minutes.  When I lived in Baltimore, everything was 5 minutes away.  In the town where I am now, I travel 25 minutes for my groceries and even farther for other things.  When I tell this to my Baltimore friends they think I'm in the boonies and feel sorry for me.  I'm used to it now and don't think anything of it.

 

For all I know, the OP is like my friends in the city.  They think anything farther than a 15 minute drive is "far away." 

 

And the OP responded that there are hotels within 45 minutes which is what I'd asked.  A 45 minute drive to a hotel wouldn't be a big deal to me now, though to my Baltimore friends it would seem like traveling to the ends of the earth.

 

It's all about perspective.

Edited November 30, 2015 by Garga

[barnwife]

PeachyDoodle, your summary is spot-on. As for why DH wants me to consider it, he is pretty close with his siblings. And he really, truly likes my parents and Anna. He knows that my mom would love to have us all together to celebrate. So he's trying to be a peacemaker, I'd guess.

 

[jewellsmommy]

Just in case you need more convincing:

 

Three years ago my in laws wanted us to come and visit them at Christmas (because dh's brother and sister, both childless, were also coming, and we would complete the set).  This was right after my SIL, who never had anything to do with us, was bemoaning that we would never allow her around our kids because she was getting divorced and we are "so religious" (nevermind that we literally never had a single conversation about religion with her, or anyone else in the family, and that she had never written my kids a card, or sent them a present, or bothered to visit).  But, we were told, everyone wanted to see us and the kids.  Fine, ok, we went.  Here's what happened:

 

My teenager was sent by FIL up to the loft to build a complicated lego set.  Literally no one spoke to him the whole time we were there. 

Someone else had built up another complicated Lego set and put it on a coffee table, and then naturally got up set when my 18 month old messed with it (this is what comes of spending holidays with childless people), and got more upset when I suggested we move it to higher ground.

My SIL's new boyfriend literally sat around telling people about how he was ok with watching TV that included nudity with his teen daughter.

 

I was so upset and made miserable by the whole nonsense that I decided never again would we visit any of these people during Christmas.  It wasn't that it was the worst thing ever, but it just hung over our Christmas season like a bad  cloud.

 

Don't do it.

 

That is very unfortunate. I hit the like button, but I obviously don't like that it happened.  I just agreed with your advice and reasoning behind it.

 

Op, I think you will likely just end up with more reasons to be upset. It does not sound like a recipe for a joyful gathering. The fact that it is Christmas just heaps more stress on because there is a certain expectation that comes with holiday gatherings. 

 

So sorry to all who have dealt with this type of situation.  :sad:

[8circles]

No, do not go. Enjoy your holiday. Keyword being enjoy. You can't enjoy anything in that kind of stressful situation.

 

I wouldn't invite them for another time either. You invited them, they accepted, then they drop you like a hot potato when your sister shows up. Not cool. Try again another holiday if you want, but I wouldn't stress about it.

[TammyS]

PeachyDoodle, your summary is spot-on. As for why DH wants me to consider it, he is pretty close with his siblings. And he really, truly likes my parents and Anna. He knows that my mom would love to have us all together to celebrate. So he's trying to be a peacemaker, I'd guess.

 

 

 

It's sweet that he wants to be a peacemaker.  And maybe that can even happen, but not while:

 

1. everyone's Christmas experience hangs in the balance

2. everyone else in your family is around (whatever is between you and your sis, you don't need other people butting in their voices, that just makes things worse, not better).

 

If your dh really wants to work things out, maybe he could help your and sis get together (maybe a hotel 1/2 between?) at some other time, so that you can try to hammer something out (or, rather, the beginnings of something).

[Rosie_0801]

Should you exert yourself, spending time, money and emotion to be treated like crud?

 

Certainly not, when you can get all that for free!

 

 

 

[Rosie_0801]

Your husband is asking you to be abused. Your mum's feelings shouldn't be his priority. 

[justasque]

...

Also, you could consider driving there and back in one day and staying just long enough for the holiday dinner. I know that it is a long way, but we lived three hours from my family for years, and we often would do a day trip. That way, you would limit your time there but still get to see the family members that you cherish. I would only do this if you and your sister can be civil; otherwise, it will be horrible for everyone.

...

 

You might consider going for the day, but not on Christmas Day.  Perhaps the day after would be a good fit.  It's a long drive, yes, but no need to pack up clothes and bedding and presents and such.  Pick some sing-along music or a good story for the car; we like Sound of Music which lasts most of the trip.  Slice up some apples, get those little tubs of peanut butter, give everyone a water bottle, and you're good to go.  (Assuming your kids are not teeny, obvs.)

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 2, 2015 by ^ 022

[PeachyDoodle]

Agree with Tammy. It sounds like your DH's heart is in the right place, but the holiday gathering is perhaps not the best venue to stage a reconciliation. Especially if it's not something you're ready to pursue.

 

At best, if you want to give things with Sarah another shot, I'd do as I said before, and look for neutral ground somewhere in between during her visit, before (or probably after) Christmas. Something like a museum or historical park, etc. -- where there is enough space for everyone to move around and activities so you aren't forced to talk if you don't want to. Saying you want the chance to meet her new child might be the opening for you to extend an olive branch -- especially since she never acknowledged your kids, and now that she is a parent, that might hit home for her.

 

As I said, this is IF AND ONLY IF you -- personally -- yourself -- for your own best interests want to make an attempt at reconciliation. If you're not ready, that's okay too. I have been in situations where my parents expected me to go along to get along because I was supposedly "above" poor behavior and the other person was not -- even though I was being wronged in the process. It's not fun, and you don't have to subject yourself to that.

 

((((HUGS))))

[Carol in Cal.]

Some people avoid gift giving on Christmas in favor of Epiphany, Jan. 6.

I would consider trying to start that new tradition, and having your party then instead, with your parents and the good sister at that point.

 

For this Christmas my inclination would be to indicate that parents and good sis had already committed to coming, and that bad sis should come to your area instead of you having to travel.  But, that might mean (depending on how much room you  have) that you'd be expected to put her up which would be yucky.  But that is what I would consider before deciding.  To me, since everyone already said they were coming to your house that should continue to be the plan.

[gardenmom5]

 I'm having a hard time with those who are putting the onus on OP for not wanting "a reconciliation" with 'sarah'.   it takes two people to reconcile. one person can't!  unless you expect her to just go be a doormat.  which isn't healthy.  and furthermore - there has been no indication sarah wants to reconcile - only she wants to go to her parents house for christmas, show off her new adopted teenage daughter - and the rest of the family is fine with dumping already made plans with OP in favor of the other sister.  that stinks.  I'm sorry.

 

OP - holidays are stressful times without adding the stress of pretending to harmonious feelings with estranged relations.  if sarah wants to see you and reconcile, I assume she knows where you live, and at least could get your phone number or address from someone else in the family.

 

your mother may just want everyone to play happy families and pretend nothing bad ever happened. (because mothers love all their children - like isnt' the same thing - and want to have them all around themself.) easier said than done.

 

Edited November 30, 2015 by gardenmom5

[trulycrabby]

Don't go! :grouphug:

[barnwife]

 

 

As I said, this is IF AND ONLY IF you -- personally -- yourself -- for your own best interests want to make an attempt at reconciliation. If you're not ready, that's okay too. I have been in situations where my parents expected me to go along to get along because I was supposedly "above" poor behavior and the other person was not -- even though I was being wronged in the process. It's not fun, and you don't have to subject yourself to that.

 

((((HUGS))))

This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace. So you need to do this."

 

I have been told that countless times by her and my mom since Sarah and I became estranged. And every time I wonder why they want me to subject myself to her abuse.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have a lot to think about tonight.

[Samm]

Not reading anything else, I would go for an hour.  Yes, I would drive for 3 hours, stay at the parents'  for 1hr,  go out for dinner somewhere nice with my nuclear family, sleep with them in a hotel room nearby and then drive 3 hours back the next day.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some people avoid gift giving on Christmas in favor of Epiphany, Jan. 6.

I would consider trying to start that new tradition, and having your party then instead, with your parents and the good sister at that point.

 

For this Christmas my inclination would be to indicate that parents and good sis had already committed to coming, and that bad sis should come to your area instead of you having to travel.  But, that might mean (depending on how much room you  have) that you'd be expected to put her up which would be yucky.  But that is what I would consider before deciding.  To me, since everyone already said they were coming to your house that should continue to be the plan.

 

This was my thinking.  It was a bit unclear to me if when Sarah decided to come and visit Mom, if the invitation was then extended to her to come along with the Mom for Christmas. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Yeah, having said that, though, the long distance traveler does have a certain priority over the 'within driving distance frequent visitor' traveler.  But not to the extent of changing EVERYONE's plans like that.  

[8circles]

This made me cry. I just got off the phone with Anna. A direct quote from her: "You are the better person. You have more grace. So you need to do this."

 

I have been told that countless times by her and my mom since Sarah and I became estranged. And every time I wonder why they want me to subject myself to her abuse.

 

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I have a lot to think about tonight.

Hugs honey.  I've been there & I know how it feels.  I'm sorry.

[Guest]

nnoooonononononononononono

 

no

 

And, fwiw, my husband would probably say something like to me and he would really just mean it like "We can do whatever you want, I just want to make sure you know your own mind so that this is as pleasant as possible for you."

[applethyme]

I would not.  The chances of reconciliation are slim to none, unless your sister is willing to also work at it.  Why ruin a perfectly lovely holiday?

[sbgrace]

I could see changing plans for a person from 15 hours away who wants to visit for Christmas with their newly adopted child.

 

Honestly, I would probably get the 45 minute away hotel room and pop in for dinner or a similar short visit to meet the adopted niece sometime while they are there visiting. I might not do it on Christmas day, and I wouldn't do that if I was expressly told not to by Sarah herself, but otherwise I think I would.