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Suggestions needed with a high need/probably gifted child


earthmother
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HI

I am wondering if anyone can recommend good books or perhaps professional counseling suggestions for my ds5. My ds9 is very gifted in the language arts but has always been calm and peaceful. My ds5 is my enigmatic child. I just can't figure him out. His reading level is at about 6th grade, his math skills are at about a 2nd and his drawing is also great. However, he is an extreme extreme perfectionist. If he draws a line somewhat out of place he's tearing his paper up, throwing a pencil, pounding the table. The other day he was doing madlibs by himself and couldn't spell diarrhea and freaked out. We have tried behavior modification and literally everything we can think of. We are both teachers and have used all the tricks in the book that we know of but could use other help. His brain really does work differently but I can't quite put my finger on it. If we tell him to put his shoes on it causes major turmoil in our house. WE need to tell him exactly what pair to put on and why we need him to put that pair on. At present the worst tantrums come with drawing so we thought of not allowing him to draw for a few days but that seems silly. Sorry if this is long. would love some wise words of wisdom.

thanks

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My oldest is a gifted perfectionist (or was). When he was 2 he broke not one but two guitars because he could not make it sound like his Daddy. Ok funny now. What we did when he was younger was do things badly around him, laugh about it and keep going. Like I tried to play the guitar and did it badly and Dad started making mistakes and then keep going.

 

As we got older we stressed it was the trying that was important not the end result. At dinner we talked about what we did wrong during the day and how we felt about it and how we correct it. For example I would say I send out an email that I did not use capitals and then how I just sent it out again corrected.

 

We had similiar issues with writing as you are having. We used chalk and dry erase boards to practice. Worked better because he was still practicing but it was not perminent like it is when you do it on paper.

 

Gifted children do think differently and their thought process is unique and ever changing. It is difficult to stay on top of it. My oldest need to know the plan and ie what shoe to wear. It was very important to him. So I tried to always take the extra time to explain the plan and figure it out. Now my second child gifted but different - needs no plan, but is an emotional being and a wrong look or harsh word can send her over the edge. What I do is try to get an idea of what their triggers are and then help them learn to cope with these.

 

I would second the hoagies website. Sorry so long hope this helps.

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My son also needs to know every last detail to be prepared. Change is HARD for him and the unexpected is even worse. He started a new program at the YMCA that included an art class, a gym class, and a swim class. He wanted to know what order, what art project, and what was the game going to be in gym class. I couldn't answer a single question of his! I ended up giving him an herbal combination called Kid-e-Trac which helps his brain to settle down and him to feel calmer. After the Kid-e-Trac, he felt brave enough to go and find out.

There have been times I have had to tell ds exactly what to wear and WHY... you can't discipline the child or make a request of him without an explanation of WHY... it is getting easier though.

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My son also needs to know every last detail to be prepared. Change is HARD for him and the unexpected is even worse. He started a new program at the YMCA that included an art class, a gym class, and a swim class. He wanted to know what order, what art project, and what was the game going to be in gym class. I couldn't answer a single question of his! I ended up giving him an herbal combination called Kid-e-Trac which helps his brain to settle down and him to feel calmer. After the Kid-e-Trac, he felt brave enough to go and find out.

There have been times I have had to tell ds exactly what to wear and WHY... you can't discipline the child or make a request of him without an explanation of WHY... it is getting easier though.

 

This is something that will take plenty of time to work through, at least that's been our experience. My 13 yo used to be like that. In fact, I'm glad I read this, because on days when it seems like she's going nowhere, (she's 13 and very hormonal) she really has come a long way. Hard physical exercise is really, really good for her. Interestingly, my sister, who was never a challenging child, needs regular hard exercise to feel good, so she plays as a midfielder in soccer 10 months a year at age 47.

 

As for why, I answer that if it's asked politely, but not when it's rudely put. I never used any herbal combinations (I use a few herbs, but I tend to go on the cautious side.) Brain Gym has some great exercises for this, but this dd hated the one that helps you calm down, and my younger two (at the time they were several years younger than now) just thought it all a great game. That has a great deal to do with the personality of my middle child. But for many kids it works great.

 

Another helpful book is Smart Moves: Why Learning is not All in Your Head by Carla Hannaford. S

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As for why, I answer that if it's asked politely, but not when it's rudely put. I never used any herbal combinations (I use a few herbs, but I tend to go on the cautious side.)

 

Yes yes, I have NO problem with why if it is asked politely...

 

As for herbs, I am a Master Herbalist. I have studied herbs for years and feel quite comfortable giving the herbs I do- I NEVER EVER use herbs that are harmful, dangerous, toxic or addictive. All the herbs I use are food for the body. The combination I mentioned has several different green juices (barley grass juice, wheat grass juice, kamut grass juice) as well as a few other herbs so it literally is nerve food. My son gets it only when he needs it or when he feels like he needs it and asks for it.

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Yes yes, I have NO problem with why if it is asked politely...

 

As for herbs, I am a Master Herbalist. I have studied herbs for years and feel quite comfortable giving the herbs I do- I NEVER EVER use herbs that are harmful, dangerous, toxic or addictive. All the herbs I use are food for the body. .

 

What a great skill! I didn't think you were doing anything harmful; I tread very carefully because I have a lot of allergies & sensitivities, some to entire plant families, and am careful with my kids since I don't know enough.

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I guess it's a little late to try what I'm going to say, and I acknowledge all kids are different. I'm definitely of the intense, slow to change, perfectionist sort, so when I had dd, literally from day 1 as an infant/toddler I would say to her, "Oh, that's ok, doesn't have to be perfect!" I can't TELL you how many times I said this. I said it over and over and over... My dad was pretty intense in his day and taught me perfectionism, literally taught it into me, both modeling the behavior and with mottos like "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right." That's a pretty heavy thing to grow up with, when it's that deeply ingrained (by both personality and teaching).

 

So far so good with dd. She's not that intense type and she actually repeats what I raised her with ("that's ok, doesn't have to be perfect"). So I can't say it would prevent it or totally counteract someone bent that way, but that direct, prophylactic teaching certainly can't hurt, especially if you start young enough.

 

As for me? Well I spent 2 hours ripping out and sewing a binding onto the opposite side because I didn't like the way it was going to look if I machine sewed it down the opposite way. My midwife wanted to bring another assistant to our birth coming up, and I told her I needed to stick to the assistant I knew from our previous meetings. Any time I am presented with a new idea I have to stop and give myself a chance to get used to it. If I'm trying to make supper, I can't change tracks, even if my idea is too slow and going to make us late. It's one of those things that doesn't just go away with age, unfortunately. But you do learn how to temper it and make a conscious choice rather than having your whole response be reflexive, and you learn how to listen to people who have the ability to see things differently and calm you down. In fact, that's one thing I would probably teach a dc like that, asking if they are letting someone teach them or help them see things differently, or if they are rebelling, being stubborn, and wanting to see it only their own way. That card, the "are you being teachable" card, is something I've had to do with my dd. Giftedness is not an excuse for poor behavior, and he's doing those things to an extreme because he's been allowed to get away with it. (sorry) Doesn't take two bits of IQ to understand that pounding, tantrums, and shouting have negative consequences and are not tolerated. My preferred method for dealing with that has always included more hugs, more together time, even just an enforced bear hug till they chill out. And yes, herbs are a good thing. Calm Child, just a very mild formula you buy at the health food store, has worked well for us.

 

You know, I just noticed something. Your older is very verbal, good at language arts, but what about this tantrum struggling dc? Inherent in the bear hug response is a lot of verbalizing, where you put his feelings into words. "I understand that you're feeling xyz. You need to calm down and I'm going to help you. Let Mommy help you..." He may be having a very physical response because he can't put his feelings into words. You can put those feelings into words for him. Sorry if that's way off-base. My dd never had behavior tantrums, but she had tantrums from her blood sugar dropping (so not fun), being over-tired, or when she had been overstimulated with the holidays and things. That was how we handled it, with hugs and verbalizing, putting her feelings into words. Yesterday I spent an hour hugging her and trying to get her to nap because she was tired, hormonal, and just felt the need to cry. Leaving her alone wouldn't have helped, though I did after I had reached my limit (one hour is a long time!). I've never thought something harsh really helped. More I wanted to give the force of my own love, self-control, and teaching to calmly balance her back out. I would NOT allow tantrums, turning the house into turmoil, etc., as I really don't think that's necessary. I would stop the pressing issue (tying the shoe or whatever) immediately and hug until he can calm down and think/talk through it. But that's just us.

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I guess it's a little late to try what I'm going to say, and I acknowledge all kids are different. Inherent in the bear hug response is a lot of verbalizing, where you put his feelings into words. "I understand that you're feeling xyz. You need to calm down and I'm going to help you. Let Mommy help you..."

 

The bear hug repsonse has worked very well with one of my dc. It failed utterly with one of my dc, but she was very verbal from a young age. I think this lends credence to Elizabeth's suggestion if your ds isn't as verbal. It worked best for my ds, who spoke later than my dd's.

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I am finding the most helpful info in books by James Webb MD.

 

Read the SENG site. Consider joining a SENG group.

 

I use a lot of active listening and acknowledgement of feelings in my talking with my kids. The model I refer to is talked about in "How to talk so your child will listen and how to listen so your child will talk".

 

Also letting them tantrum and get the rage out rather than trying to squash them from feeling their emotion is important.

 

My early parenting advice from the books by Dr. William Sears put me on the right path...

 

I watch what they eat and drink because certain foods make moods worse than they usually are and have set off some horrid moods and fits. I also notice when my kids skip meals (after refusing to eat what is presented to them and asking only for junk food or something like that)---when they skip meals real problems happen.

 

I also notice when we're too busy and don't have enough down time or fun time, when we rush to too many appointments and then try to cram the homescooling things get really out of whack and the kids can snap easily and be intense.

 

The intensities are very hard to deal with. I know what you are dealing with. Hang in there.

 

I feel like it is a constant balancing and juggling act and don't have simple solutions, it is a contant work in progress.

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