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After holiday exhaustion/depression


stephanier.1765
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It's like this every holiday. I work my ass off while everyone else visits, laughs and tells stories. As we eat, I get to enjoy everyone for a little while but then it's time to clean up and I can NOT not clean up because then my mother with the bad hip and knee will start to do it. So I work my ass of putting away food, rinsing what can go in the dishwasher and washing what can't, wiping counters, blah, blah, blah. No shortcuts, it's my mother's house. Once I'm done and ready to visit with everyone, they are ready to leave.

 

So now I'm home exhausted. And I'm sad because I didn't get to spend time with my family and friends some of whom this is the only time of year I get to see them.  I miss being a kid during the holidays.

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Yes, I have exhaustion, but not for the same reason. I agree with the others that you should delegate. Everyone in our family pitches in without really being asked, but I wouldn't hesitate to ask people to do something that I need help with. And of course, I always offer to help.

 

I'm always exhausted because I am a serious introvert and being around so many people for so long is emotionally draining. We live far away, so we are always spending several days and there is just no escape! Especially since my parents downsized their house a couple years ago......it is seriously crowded!

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You need to adjust the expectations of everyone.

 

YOU need to sit and enjoy and chat.  Then you need to get everyone cleaning TOGETHER.

 

It is true that most people would happily sit back if someone else is doing the work.  You need to step back and let them know that everyone needs to do their share.

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I grew up with all the women cleaning up, not just one or two people. I hosted Thanksgiving at my house for a couple of years and the same thing happened. I'm shocked that no one offered to help you.

 

For any dinner on a regular basis, even our small family Thanksgiving meal yesterday, DH helps clean. He would never walk away and expect me to clean up all by myself.

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Next time, wait and let someone else start cleaning.  Or, if it's at your or your mom's house, start and ask a few people to help you.  Are there people there you are particularly close to?  "Hey, cousin, grab those plates and come on in the kitchen with me so we can get caught up while we do the dishes.  Aunt Mary, can you bring the glasses in?" 

 

Or, depending on your relationship, you can ask your mom to help recruit help.  Could you say "mom, love Thanksgiving at your house, but it's exhausting doing all the prep and cleanup.  I know you can't help, but can you ask some of the aunts to pitch in?"  

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For our Thanksgiving, we eat just turkey breast. There is no full bird. The turkey breast meat is cooked the night before and heated up in the oven on low. There are slices of ham which are prepared the same way. In disposible aluminum oven pans.

 

We use Bob Evans packages of mashed potatoes in the microwave. Rolls come from a plastic bag already made. They're popped into the microwave for a minute to warm up. Mom does make half-homemade gravy. It's a can plus drippings.

 

Veggies in a pot on the stove.

 

I bring the green bean casserole, which is cooked at home first and just needs to be heated up in the oven for 10 minutes. Cranberry sauce is from a can.

 

We defrost a lemon meringue pie and a chocolate pie for dessert.

 

Basically, the whole meal comes from cans and packages. And you know what? No one wants to cook enough to change it.

 

It's an option for you. At first, when we moved to a packaged meal people were a little perplexed, but since no one wanted to do the actual cooking, no one protested too much. If they did, they knew they'd be in the kitchen.

 

If I were you, that's what I'd do. And paper plates. We are all MUCH happier on Thanksgiving now.

Edited by Garga
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Also, no one arrives earlier than 1/2 hour before dinner will be served. That way, they're not all visiting while the cooking (well, heating up of the already cooked food) is going on.

 

Have plasticware out and at the ready to receive the leftovers. Toss the aluminum pans and paper plates and silverware (buy the sturdy kind) and paper napkins. You'll only have a few serving bowls left to wash.

 

We eat early in the day, at 1:00, so that people can visit in the afternoon after the meal. If someone gets hungry later, they can have leftovers, though often we've started to disperse before anyone's that hungry again.

Edited by Garga
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If you can't delegate, decide together beforehand that cleanup is deferred until the guests have left. Tell your mom that you'll take care of it and that this is how it is going to be.

 

We had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner yesterday at 2pm. We kept chatting at the table until 8, the last guest and we moved to the sofa until 10pm.

All I did during this time was move the dinner plates and dishes to the kitchen counter to make room for desert and put the meat into the fridge Everything else just stayed. Visiting and talking are more important - and it is not comfortable for the guests either if somebody starts cleaning up around them. And then when our last friend was gone at 10, it just took twenty minutes to clean up and load the dishwasher - no working around people, no distractions.

 

 

Edited by regentrude
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If you can't delegate, decide together beforehand that cleanup is deferred until the guests have left. Tell your mom that you'll take care of it and that this is how it is going to be.

 

We had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner yesterday at 2pm. We kept chatting at the table until 8, the last guest and we moved to the sofa until 10pm.

All I did during this time was move the dinner plates and dishes to the kitchen counter to make room for desert and put the meat into the fridge Everything else just stayed. Visiting and talking are more important - and it is not comfortable for the guests either if somebody starts cleaning up around them. And then when our last friend was gone at 10, it just took twenty minutes to clean up and load the dishwasher - no working around people, no distractions.

This! In fact, I saved some washing for this morning!

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If you can't delegate, decide together beforehand that cleanup is deferred until the guests have left. Tell your mom that you'll take care of it and that this is how it is going to be.

 

We had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner yesterday at 2pm. We kept chatting at the table until 8, the last guest and we moved to the sofa until 10pm.

All I did during this time was move the dinner plates and dishes to the kitchen counter to make room for desert and put the meat into the fridge Everything else just stayed. Visiting and talking are more important - and it is not comfortable for the guests either if somebody starts cleaning up around them. And then when our last friend was gone at 10, it just took twenty minutes to clean up and load the dishwasher - no working around people, no distractions.

 

THIS! Don't clean up too early. That happens at our Thanksgiving meal: early cleanup. Sometimes people are still picking at their food and plates are being whisked away. I've had to tell people, "Please give me my plate back. I'm not done." As soon as the cleanup begins, people get up from the table and wander away. They take it as a sign that they're supposed to get out of the way.

 

If there wasn't a big cleanup, then we'd stay there longer chatting. If only you could convince your mother that it's better to let everything sit for a couple of hours, then you could enjoy your time with the family. But I understand having a member who insists on cleaning immediately. They don't realize that they're cutting off the conversation. If you switch to aluminum pans and paper plates and explain to your mom that you want everyone to stay seated, maybe she'd understand?

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Time to get more assertive. Tell DH, kids, and relatives exactly what you need. Yes they probably SHOULD notice that you are overworked and volunteer on their own, but they are used to the status quo. Don't ask them to be mind readers - tell them how to be helpful.

 

If you don't ask, then you are reinforcing the idea that it is okay for you to do everything on your own.

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If you can't delegate, decide together beforehand that cleanup is deferred until the guests have left. Tell your mom that you'll take care of it and that this is how it is going to be.

 

We had a lovely Thanksgiving dinner yesterday at 2pm. We kept chatting at the table until 8, the last guest and we moved to the sofa until 10pm.

All I did during this time was move the dinner plates and dishes to the kitchen counter to make room for desert and put the meat into the fridge Everything else just stayed. Visiting and talking are more important - and it is not comfortable for the guests either if somebody starts cleaning up around them. And then when our last friend was gone at 10, it just took twenty minutes to clean up and load the dishwasher - no working around people, no distractions.

 

This is exactly what I want to do. I'd love to sit at the table and chat or move to the living room and let things digest before getting busy but it makes my mother crazy. And if I don't get up and get started, she will even though it's excruciatingly painful for her to do so. I'll beg her to sit down and tell her I'll get it later but there is something in her that just can't let dirty dishes lay around.  

 

But I'm having a talk with her before Christmas. There's no reason why people who brought food can't take it back it in the same dishes they brought it in.  We already use plastic plates and silverware but the pots and pans and serving dishes and utensils are endless. But they aren't going anywhere. Shove the meat in the fridge and let us visit for a while. Yesterday, I had just sat down when a couple got up and said they had to leave which meant I got no time with them. I was really sad about that.

 

Thank you for all the great advice and I will talk to my mother and tell her how I feel about the lost family and friend time. I really don't mind doing the dishes, I just want time with family too.

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This is exactly what I want to do. I'd love to sit at the table and chat or move to the living room and let things digest before getting busy but it makes my mother crazy. And if I don't get up and get started, she will even though it's excruciatingly painful for her to do so. I'll beg her to sit down and tell her I'll get it later but there is something in her that just can't let dirty dishes lay around.  

 

But I'm having a talk with her before Christmas. There's no reason why people who brought food can't take it back it in the same dishes they brought it in.  We already use plastic plates and silverware but the pots and pans and serving dishes and utensils are endless. But they aren't going anywhere. Shove the meat in the fridge and let us visit for a while. Yesterday, I had just sat down when a couple got up and said they had to leave which meant I got no time with them. I was really sad about that.

 

Thank you for all the great advice and I will talk to my mother and tell her how I feel about the lost family and friend time. I really don't mind doing the dishes, I just want time with family too.

 

I totally understand how your mother feels. I feel exactly the same way. :-)

 

But I think you need to be more of a cruise director instead of the housekeeper. Tell people--don't ask them, tell them--to clear the table and whatnot. Not that they are "helping" you, because it is not your job, but that they are participating.

 

Also, really work on the skill of cleaning the kitchen as you go along. Before you sit down to eat, try to have pots and pans washed, surfaces wiped down, everything that can possibly be done.

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Also, really work on the skill of cleaning the kitchen as you go along. Before you sit down to eat, try to have pots and pans washed, surfaces wiped down, everything that can possibly be done.

This, or I'll offer you my method. I set up a six-foot table in the garage. I put the pots, pans, toaster out there - anything I don't want to wash while company's around. Out of sight is out of mind. I absolutely do not mind doing it all myself after folks have left - the process of cleaning things and putting away each item has a way of restoring my sense of order after a hectic holiday event.

 

Sounds like what you may be doing is transferring leftovers to take home containers and washing the serving dishes? That should change. Encourage folks to bring their food contributions in disposable containers. If part of the issue is getting leftovers to fit in the fridge while everyone visits for a couple of hours, set a couple of coolers in the garage for them.

 

Choose your words carefully when you speak with your mom. You want to visit - she could take that to mean that you think she should be the one cleaning up (of course I don't know her, I'm just suggesting the possibility). Be sure to let her know that guests would love to visit with her, too, and they can't do that if she's working in the kitchen.

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I started feeling like this. I dreaded Thanksgiving.

 

I did three things:

I parceled out more of the cooking. I asked people, "Can you bring the _____ this year? I get a little overwhelmed trying to get the house cleaned beforehand AND cooking these dishes, so it would be great if you could bring _____."

I shifted my thinking. I decided that hosting Thanksgiving is a gift I give my family, and that it's worth the extra work. I remind myself of this when I start to feel resentful.

AND....(most important--this has to go hand-in-hand with the shift in thinking, otherwise I'd have still been doing all of the work and missing all of the fun) I communicated my expectations.

 

I finally told my mom and sisters that I didn't want my dh, who did a ton of cooking, to have to clean up everything after the meal, and I was tired of missing all of the fun by cleaning up. I asked them to help. We also used paper plates a couple years in a row, and when my sister offered to bring extra plates so that we could all eat off real plates, I was honest and told her that we had plenty of plates, but that we didn't want to get stuck washing them all. Now they all help clear and put food away and get a load of dishes started, then we all visit.

 

I do still wander into the kitchen from time to time throughout the evening. Dh and I use the rest of the kitchen clean-up for a bit of alone time to deal with introvert overload, or to spend a bit of time cleaning up something with one or two other people for a more personal conversation. By the end of the evening when everyone has gone home, there's not a whole ton of cleaning to do, and we just start the turkey broth and clean up together.

 

Now, if only I could get my MIL to relax and sit to visit. Instead, she still cleans up and then grumbles later to dh about my ungrateful family. Whatevs. For a while, I felt that if she was cleaning, I should be cleaning, but then I realized that if I've told her umpteen times to please sit and relax with us and we'll deal with the dishes later, then it's her choice how she spends her time and how she chooses to perceive what's going on around her. I know this isn't quite the case with your mother, and I understand the dirty dishes thing.

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