Help me think this through - a space for dh

[Farrar]

Dh told me yesterday that all he wants for Christmas is a space for himself. We're all messier than he is - the house isn't a wreck or anything, but dh likes things to be really more orderly than us. I'm trying to figure out if I can do this for him and I'm not sure what to reconfigure exactly. Part of the problem is our weird schedules. Dh works nights, mostly from home. Obviously, we homeschool so we're home much of the day.

 

Here's what we've got...

Living room... probably can't change.

Dining room/homeschool space... probably can't change.

Kitchen... obviously needs to be the kitchen

Bathroom... obviously not on the table

Back room... that's BalletBoy's room

Side room... that's Mushroom's room

Front room... that's our bedroom... I don't feel like the bedrooms can really change... though... I guess they could if I was creative, but the boys shouldn't share - we have enough sleep issues without that... and their rooms, ftr, are pretty small - only ours is large.

 

That leaves the basement. The basement is the full footprint of the house. People rent them as apartments even because they have their own doors (ours has both a front and back door). Ours is only semi-finished. The front is a room that I did myself with my own lame skillz. It looks okay - exposed brick walls, industrial carpeting, etc. The piano is down there. It's not damp. There are some issues with the ceiling... there's a bit I never finished... the carpeting has a weird spot where I messed up installing it... I stuck a rug over that. The back is unfinished and has storage, laundry and a bathroom we won't talk about (the children were recently shocked to learn there was a sort of bathroom even down there).

 

Currently the basement is basically the play room. But maybe it needs to not be the play room. Except, where do those things go? Do I just say, hey, suck it up, you're in middle school now and you don't need this stuff? Where does it get played with otherwise? Should I try to subdivide the basement so there's more than one space down there... a space with the toys and a space without. Realistically, most of the toys don't see a ton of play anymore. But also... they sort of do see some. I mean, for the last week the kids have been wrecking the whole place in order to play some weird cars game that I don't really understand. They're still sort of little kids in some ways. There's also a fusball table down there. Should that just go? That seems unfair to the kids. Should I take out all the toys to their rooms? Except... ugh... one key problem with this is that when the weather isn't great, I kick the kids down to the basement and I can't really kick them up to their rooms because dh is asleep up there in our room and it gets too noisy. If the basement became dh's space, I don't know what I would do with them.

 

Also, part of me feels like I'm just making new spaces to clean. Sigh. I know dh would actually keep his own space tidy.

 

I feel like this isn't too much to ask. The house isn't small. Why can't I figure out a way to make this work?

[zoobie]

Where does he envision his space?

[Farrar]

He said he didn't know. Because he's not that helpful about matters of the house like this.

[Rosie_0801]

Will he be glad if you arrange something? Or will it be unsuitable for some reason?

[Catherine]

Is he willing to allow part of his (sounds like generously large) space be a "flex space"?  So that a curtain can be hung that is only opened when he is down there and kids' stuff is put away as neatly as possible? 

[zoobie]

He said he didn't know. Because he's not that helpful about matters of the house like this.

Tent in the backyard under the walnut tree? :P

[Liz CA]

Depends on what he is using the space for? Recreation or work or both? If you can pinch a corner of in your larger bedroom you would not need to eliminate the playroom. How large will it need to be?

If he is envisioning putting any kind of sports equipment or tools into his space, it probably means the basement unless you have a garage that can be heated and cooled.

[Farrar]

No sporting equipment or anything like that. Dh playing sport. Ha!  :laugh:  More like curled up with a graphic novel and a thick political biography, drinking tea. Or with too much coffee memorizing his lines for whatever show he's in. Or writing. Or something along those lines. I think he'd like a desk perhaps.

 

A spot in our room seems out of the question... I did think about that... but it feels like the space should be accessible to him while he's awake and I'm asleep in there during much of his awake time.

 

When we first moved into this house, we had separate bedrooms and that really would be the best solution all the way around. We're on totally different sleep schedules so sharing a room doesn't totally make sense. Unfortunately, I really don't think there's room for that.

[Pegasus]

Finish the basement bathroom and move the boys to the basement.  DH gets one of their old rooms as his space, you get one for your space. Everyone wins.

[Farrar]

Will he be glad if you arrange something? Or will it be unsuitable for some reason?

 

He definitely wants me to arrange it. I'm the house manager and organizer. He happily ceded that role to me a long time ago and I happily took it.

 

I just don't know how to manage all that stuff in the basement.

[Farrar]

If I had an extra 20k just hanging around looking for a purpose, I could have the basement refinished for reals and then we'd have tons of extra space and I could give him a whole room down there.

 

Oh, who am I kidding, I need that money to repoint the back of the house so it doesn't completely collapse.

 

Oh double who am I kidding... if I had that money, we'd just use it to go to India or something.

[Ali in OR]

We don't have a dining room, so that seems the obvious space to give over to him to me. We homeschool in the living room (in beanbag chairs in front of the fire recently, or on the sofa) and at the kitchen table. If you put a sofa and desk in there it could work as his space and maybe even be used by a neat homeschool child when Dad is asleep (reading on the sofa or taking a test at the desk).

[Farrar]

Finish the basement bathroom and move the boys to the basement.  DH gets one of their old rooms as his space, you get one for your space. Everyone wins.

 

I definitely don't have those skills. That bathroom has a very weird non-functioning shower with a really gross door and a broken toilet. Not broken like doesn't work but broken like smashed. I wish. I mean, I could try, I guess. But whatever I do probably needs to come in for a reasonable cost. I mean, if I do things that actually upgrade the basement, I can probably justify spending several hundred dollars. But that spends so fast on a home project...

[Farrar]

We don't have a dining room, so that seems the obvious space to give over to him to me. We homeschool in the living room (in beanbag chairs in front of the fire recently, or on the sofa) and at the kitchen table. If you put a sofa and desk in there it could work as his space and maybe even be used by a neat homeschool child when Dad is asleep (reading on the sofa or taking a test at the desk).

 

No kitchen table. Our kitchen is big for a house of this style, but not big enough for a table. I feel like we definitely need the dining room. I suppose I could carve out a corner for him... but it would be tight. And if we're schooling, he wouldn't be able to get to it. And if we left a mess, it would bug him (though I have finally, finally trained him to ask me to clean it up and not to make one giant stack of everything he sees... that takes for-freaking-ever to sort out - actually cleaning it up takes just a few minutes).

[Ali in OR]

(though I have finally, finally trained him to ask me to clean it up and not to make one giant stack of everything he sees... that takes for-freaking-ever to sort out - actually cleaning it up takes just a few minutes).

 

Well done! We have some Monday mornings when I can't find anything (most importantly the plan book) because dh has "cleaned up" our homeschool things.

[matrips]

Backyard shed with lighting, space heater and window ac? Sounds terrible I know, but thinking outside the box/house :)

[Farrar]

Just for reference...

 

This is not exactly the same as our home - our old pantry is a half bath that enters through the kitchen, our washer/dryer is in the basement, our dining room is bigger than our living room, our closets are in different places, our side rooms have a window, etc. etc. - and I'm sure whatever the dimensions are isn't right, but this is the basic layout of most of the houses around here... 

http://www.wheredoyoudwell.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/I-Street-floorplans-final-no-sq.jpg

 

Then the basement is the full footprint of the house. Our basement front room is what's partially finished - it's more than half of that footprint space.

[Farrar]

Backyard shed with lighting, space heater and window ac? Sounds terrible I know, but thinking outside the box/house :)

 

Since the backyard is the size of the dining room, it might get in the way of getting to the alley and the car... ;)

 

I have wished for a shed sometimes. My grandparents' home in New Orleans when I was a kid had servants quarters. We called it "the little house." If only.

[matrips]

Is the master large enough or set up to divide into two smaller rooms? Basic drywall across part of it? The two smaller rooms could be for the boys or you and dh. New furniture might be necessary for the smaller space.

[Annie G]

What about putting the kids in the master,  making the larger kid bedroom into your master, and then letting dh use the other kid room?

[Farrar]

The master is almost big enough to divide, but not quite. It really can't be divided with the king size bed in there.

 

I can't put the kids in the same room. I wish I could. I mean... life would be simpler, that's for sure. But one of my boys has pretty serious insomnia and anxiety. He would freak if he didn't have his room. Nothing is worth that. Seriously.

[Farrar]

The basement could be divided... I just need to figure out how. I like the idea of a curtain. Cheap solutions.

 

Maybe I need a trip to IKEA...

[T'smom]

I haven't done this, but I have seen pics of closets that people have repurposed. I there a walk-in closet in your bedroom?

[matrips]

I really think a small piece of the basement for dh is the best bet then. He doesn't need the whole thing and it looks large. Large enough that the boys would still have a play area. He'll be down there at night, when you guys are upstairs in bed. And when the boys play, he'll be upstairs in bed. An 8x10 room would be plenty large enough for a desk, love seat, bookshelves etc. he can use the powder ion in the first floor, so no need to worry about the basement bath. Some drywall or even panelling would enclose an area and not cost too much. Floor lamps if no overhead electricity. Throw down a rug and call it done. It doesn't sound like he's needs fancy.

[Tree Frog]

Is the master large enough or set up to divide into two smaller rooms? Basic drywall across part of it? The two smaller rooms could be for the boys or you and dh. New furniture might be necessary for the smaller space.

 

My sister and I shared a large room, but we each wanted our own. My dad took several doors and hinged them together to make a temporary wall that could easily come down if necessary. Would something like this work in your master?

[meena]

I would get a couple 5 cube by 5 cube Kallax (used to be Expedit) shelves from IKEA. I'd use them as room dividers to section off a portion of the basement to either be just for the kids or just for your DH, whatever would work best for your scenario. They are open but you could easily put a backing on one side to create more privacy. I would dedicate certain times of the day when no kids are allowed so it can be private for your DH at times while still having some times where you can send the kids down to play. I'd also set guidelines for what the kids' part of the basement needs to look like before they can return upstairs to respect your DH's need for order in the shared space.

 

ETA: Check out Craigslist for the shelves. I've found great deals on IKEA furniture there.

Edited November 21, 2015 by meena

[matrips]

Any handy folks in your homeschool group that can help out?

[Farrar]

I wish I knew handy people. I mean, I know some, but no one who would do this for me. Honestly, I can live with the higher cost of food, gas, etc. But the place where living in a high COL really hits you hardest is major home repairs. I wanted to cry when I saw what my father managed to pay for adding a new porch on his home - it's a mountainy home so it required stilts, it has a electricity, a giant stone fireplace, all screened in but with these sort of plastic window things they can pull down. It's beautiful. We paid nearly the same to replace our rotting porch that's the size of an area rug or maybe two sofas smashed together. Nothing fancy. They didn't even paint it for us for the cost. I wasn't willing to pay more so I did it myself. Sigh.

[matrips]

Then go with the curtains or those trifold room dividers or walls of bookcases if drywall or panelling won't happen. You can wall off a room for him that way. Doesn't everyone love more bookcases anyway? :). You could face them to dh's side or the playroom side.

 

What is your real budget to make it happen for him? We had some reasonable handymen back when we lived there. If you speak Spanish, that would help. If you're daring, there's the guys that hang out by the Home Depots. Tons at the Falls Church/Arlington. If you know some realtors or stagers, they have the best and cheapest guys.

[Farrar]

Yeah, there are a ton of guys just hanging out at the Rhode Island Ave Home Depot. I have been tempted to try and hire someone but it seems so awkward and is compounded by not knowing Spanish. I did one have someone come and do work on my kitchen that way and it was a complete and utter disaster. That sort of sucked.

 

I can spend a few hundred dollars, definitely. Once I start to get into a thousand, that gets too much unless maybe it was also repairing some of the issues with the ceiling and messy (but safe) wiring down there.

[Slache]

Yeah, there are a ton of guys just hanging out at the Rhode Island Ave Home Depot. I have been tempted to try and hire someone but it seems so awkward and is compounded by not knowing Spanish. I did one have someone come and do work on my kitchen that way and it was a complete and utter disaster. That sort of sucked.

 

I can spend a few hundred dollars, definitely. Once I start to get into a thousand, that gets too much unless maybe it was also repairing some of the issues with the ceiling and messy (but safe) wiring down there.

Try a day worker place. They're pickier.

[Farrar]

Try a day worker place. They're pickier.

 

What is that? I don't know of such a thing.

[Slache]

What is that? I don't know of such a thing.

Google it for local info. They are people for hire for one day. The workers go regularly so the company knows who is good at what. There are rules like you have to be legally able to work in the US and speak English.

[Farrar]

Google it for local info. They are people for hire for one day. The workers go regularly so the company knows who is good at what. There are rules like you have to be legally able to work in the US and speak English.

 

Sadly a search seems to turn up a battle over trying to make a Day Worker Center here that failed.

[Slache]

Sadly a search seems to turn up a battle over trying to make a Day Worker Center here that failed.

Bummer. Sorry.

[Farrar]

Bummer. Sorry.

 

Keeping people poor and home improvement expensive. Sigh.

[ktgrok]

What if you move your homeschooling area to the basement? the dining room can still be the dining room, for eating in, but when not being used for meals would be your DH's space. Maybe even get a smaller dining room table, and add a set of wingback chairs, or a single chair with an ottoman and a small table? Or a desk? Kind of try to visually divide it into the dining area part and the sitting area part. There wouldn't be a mess to deal with because if you just use it for eating there is no clutter. 

 

And having the play area and homeschool area in one section makes sense to me. 

[Incognito]

IKEA is supposed to be coming out with dividing walls  - I recently saw an article.  Maybe you can find more on that. 

 

Toilets aren't too expensive - somewhere like ReStore (Habitat for Humanity's store) could work for finding a good deal too.  They aren't hard to install either.  Just a nasty ring thing and you're golden.

 

Basement does seem best.  You can find nice, relatively inexpensive space heaters if it is cold down there. 

[gardenmom5]

is the living room/dining room one big room?  or seperate?

 

why can't the living room be kept clean?

 

when my olders were young - they had the family room, and the adults got the living room.  toys were not allowed (unless the power was out because that was the room with a wood burning fireplace.)  it was kept neat and tidy.

 

if the basement has enough outside connections you have a front and back door - why can't you make it work as your homeschool space?  then upstairs stays neater for adults - and guests.

[Tap]

I would tell the boys, time to move what toys you want to keep, to your rooms.  Spend the money on good orgainizaiton there if you need it, and give dh the basement space that is already set up in basement.  He can sleep upstairs during the day (less noise than people stomping around above you).  At night, when he is at work, he goes to the basement, which in turn means you and the boys, don't have someone walking around over the top of you.  If in a few months it seems to be working, then invest more money in the rest of the room.  If it didn't seem to help him (sometimes what we want isn't what you need), then you can decide to reclaim it if you need to. Hang up some curtains or sheets if you need to hide the washer/dryer/foosball table etc.  Put some toys in totes in the storage area if there are things that you need a bit of time to get rid of.  The piano can stay because it doesn't matter if  it is in there or not. If you have someone taking lessons, then dh will have to deal with someone coming into that space when he is in bed upstairs or just awake in general.  

 

 

I think it will give you time to make a more permanent decision and to figure out what will work best, without a huge investment.  The bathroom doesn't need to be fixed, a price to pay for the personal space is that he has to walk up a flight of stairs to use the lav. 

Edited November 21, 2015 by Tap

[Anne]

I like the idea of portioning off a section of the basement for dh.  Use shelves or curtains to divide the space.

 

Anne

[Ausmumof3]

I don't know how much space you have in each of the rooms, but it seems like you have a basement playroom, living room and homeschool space for the kids. I reckon it's reasonable if they have a playroom that they don't use the living room.

 

Is it that the basement isn't that nice to be in so the kids prefer to hang out upstairs. Or is it that they want to be near dad? If it's the latter no amount of space will buy him what he wants I guess.

 

In our house dh has a shed and a desk. Maybe if yours is more likely to read and chill you could set up a dad zone in the living area with a nice big comfy chair and coffee table and just teach the kids it's dad's space and they can't touch it.

 

The biggest thing I've liked from konmarie is the kids stuff going in the kids rooms! I didn't realise quite how much their stuff was exploding all over the house till I dealt with it.

Edited November 21, 2015 by Ausmumof3

[Stacia]

What if you move your homeschooling area to the basement? the dining room can still be the dining room, for eating in, but when not being used for meals would be your DH's space. Maybe even get a smaller dining room table, and add a set of wingback chairs, or a single chair with an ottoman and a small table? Or a desk? Kind of try to visually divide it into the dining area part and the sitting area part. There wouldn't be a mess to deal with because if you just use it for eating there is no clutter. 

 

And having the play area and homeschool area in one section makes sense to me. 

 

I was going to suggest something similar.

 

Can you move your homeschool area to be a part of the living room &/or basement? (Is there space to put a table for casual eating & homeschool stuff in your living room so the dining room wouldn't need to be used for every meal? Or, could you put a bar/counter in your kitchen for eating at so the dining room wouldn't need to be used for every meal? What about a collapsible table or two attached to the wall in the kitchen -- you could pull them up for casual meals for the kids &/or school work space, but put them down when not being used. I'm thinking of the type of tables that Ikea sells for tiny kitchens.) That way, you can give your dh the dining room, maybe w/ a piece or two of comfy furniture per ktgrok's post.

[Slache]

The biggest thing I've liked from konmarie is the kids stuff going in the kids rooms! I didn't realise quite how much their stuff was exploding all over the house till I dealt with it.

:iagree:

[Seasider]

I definitely don't have those skills. That bathroom has a very weird non-functioning shower with a really gross door and a broken toilet. Not broken like doesn't work but broken like smashed. I wish. I mean, I could try, I guess. But whatever I do probably needs to come in for a reasonable cost. I mean, if I do things that actually upgrade the basement, I can probably justify spending several hundred dollars. But that spends so fast on a home project...

You could still make a boy(s) bedroom down there, and let them continue using a community bathroom.

[Guest]

My friend carved out a space for herself using screens in a larger part of their basement. It works out great and everyone knows it is off limits.

 

She has a desk and a big comfy chair that she got to choose. Works great.

[bettyandbob]

I haven't read everything. I'd plan on designing two rooms at once. Initially working on the "play" area because you can't work on the "new" room until that is taken care of.

 

Start by weeding through the toys. Not all should go, but your boys may have outgrown something.

1. pick out the obvious outgrown stuff and set aside.

2. Mark off the space you think should be dh's and slide all the toys out of that area.

3. get the boys to decide what they wanted to keep. Maybe they want to sell stuff (my dd liked selling her stuff).

4. Have them take everything that can be played with in a small space to their rooms.

5. Keep the foosball table a build a teen/preteen hangout around that.

 

Once you have the play space settled a bit, decide how you are going to mark boundaries. I'm assuming you rant building walls.

A piece of furniture like a sofa (the downside is dh would still have visual of the play space)

A row of bookshelves (how to make this stable)

Some off those accordion room dividers.

Other stuff

 

What does your dh want to do. It's not going to be an exercise space or a workshop. Gaming, reading, writing? The last step is getting the best furniture for the purpose in there.

 

Get the boys involved in dad's present.

[Farrar]

What if you move your homeschooling area to the basement? 

 

Well, I could... but there's no way the homeschool room can share space with the toys, so they would still need to go. In which case, I might as well move dh's space to the basement.

 

is the living room/dining room one big room?  or seperate?

 

why can't the living room be kept clean?

 

The living and dining room are separated by a giant, thick, old fashioned hanging door. So they're clearly different spaces, but that door is usually open - it's a huge door (think three doors in a row) and the living room is small with it closed but feels fine with it open. The living does basically stay clean. The kids, me, dh - we all tidy it up regularly. But... it gets the most living. The space that gets the most living always needs the most tidying.

 

I would tell the boys, time to move what toys you want to keep, to your rooms.  

 

Yeah. This is hard for me. I think it's not just having the toys, but also the space. They definitely have room for all their toys in their rooms. There really aren't that many toys left actually. There's the Haba Ball Track (which I will get rid of over my dead body... saving that forever), the Kapla Blocks, a bucket of cars, and a bucket of toy figures. In ds's room are also the Legos. Other ds has a ton of electronics components in his room - grown up toys. That's basically it. We culled the toys down majorly a few years ago and everything else is pretty much staying forever except the figures and the cars. They're staying until the kids don't play with them.

 

Anyway, it can easily fit in their rooms, but then where do they play with it. They can't play up there during the day because dh is sleeping. And what about when friends come over?

 

His and Hers basement - 'cos where's your quiet orderly space ?!

 

I get the dining room. Either people are eating in there (and so am I) or homeschooling in there (and, obviously, so am I) or it's mine. The homeschool stuff needs to be put away anyway and is pretty easy to tidy up (though, also, I have a lot more tolerance for some mess than dh). When I want people to really leave me alone, I close the sliding door (it's still a hallway, but it's a signal). I have a big soft chair at the end of the dining room table that's mine and big headphones if I want to watch something and a place to slide my computer if it gets in the way at other times. And I have the table for art or crafting if I'm not goofing off or writing.

[ktgrok]

I think having the kids' stuff and DH's stuff in the same area is asking for trouble if clutter and mess is what is bothering him. 

 

If my idea of giving him part of the dining room doesn't work, how about just making the living room a kid free area? Make it more of a formal living room, and move a TV and such down to the basement. And turn the playroom into more of an older kid space....a rec room or tween den or "entertainment room" or whatever they want. That becomes the space to just hang out when they aren't in their rooms. Living room stays clean then? And DH can have the living room?

[Miss Tick]

It sounds like it has to be the basement OR maybe he could get a cheap rate on one of those "shared workspace" places since he will only use it at night...

 

Seriously, I would focus in carving a space out of the basement. Do it within your budget now and then slowly make improvements over the years. It will help your home came and perhaps keep up with your needs as your kids get bigger. I'm thinking one year just replace the toilet, another year have somebody work on the ceiling, then replace the shower, pretty the bathroom, carpet, etc.