When do your kids figure out they're "accelerated"?

[4KookieKids]

And does it even matter? Does it just fall under the heading of "everyone is different and has different strengths"?

 

My 6 yo recently asked what the 3A on his singapore and beast academy workbooks meant. I don't think I really want him understanding that he's accelerated until he's also mature enough to handle it with humility and discretion when around other kids. Right now, he already brags about anything and everything he can do, and we're having a hard time balancing a good and healthy amount of pride in his work and accomplishments with an unhealthy pride that comes from comparing himself to others and always wanting to be (and insisting on being) the best (e.g., dealing with some pretty bad sportsmanship that is really coming out when he can't be the best).

 

Just random thoughts and musings on my part and wondered what you all think and/or do. :)

[regentrude]

When DD was in public kindergarten and tested on a 4th grade reading level and was bored to tears with the class work.

 

[Arcadia]

At the start of K. DS10 kind of realised in academic preschool that he was "ahead".

 

ETA:

DS10 is always emotionally intense since newborn. DS9 figured out much later since he just do whatever is dished in front of him so that he can go play legos.

[SKL]

I think my kids always knew it since they were in KG.  They aren't braggy, but there have been times they have told people in a matter-of-fact way.

[purpleowl]

DD#1...kind of knows? She has asked about the levels on some of her books. I tell her that when the authors wrote the book, they made their best guess about when kids would be ready to use it. Most kids are ready for this book around fourth grade, but you're ready for it now, and we try to pick the things you're ready for.

 

She seems to get that, but at the same time, I don't think she's connected it to her friends and realized that those who are her age are probably not doing the same things she does, or that she may be working at or above the level of older friends.

 

DD#2 has no clue that she's accelerated at all.

[Dmmetler]

DD, for quite awhile, truly believed that everyone else could do X, but for whatever reason didn't talk about it, and it bothered her that grown ups would be so surprised that she could do X. In Kindergarten, she finally realized that, no, most kids her age weren't at the level she was, and it really bothered her, to the point that she tried to blend in. It was when I heard her pretending to stumble over reading a bible passage at Chapel that I realized that we needed to get her out of there.

[Jackie]

DD, age 5, is fairly aware when she stops to think about it. She came home from her play-based preschool one day appalled to learn that one of her friends couldn't read. Trying to head off potentially embarrassing situations between her and her friends, we pointed out that most 3/4 year olds couldn't read and it was just fine.

 

However, she really has no idea how accelerated she is. I just asked her if she knew what grade level any of her things were at. She knew Beast Academy was third grade. She guessed her other materials at a range of K-2. They're generally at a range of 3-6, so she's off by a bit there.

[HomeAgain]

I don't think my kid would care unless there was a visible competition. ^_^ He's very self-assured and doesn't often give a hoot about what someone else can/can't do unless it interferes with what he wants to do.  He sometimes enjoys the attention from adults, but doesn't dwell on it.

[fairfarmhand]

When it was obvious that they could outperform others their age. But I also was quick to point out that academics were not everything. In fact, I would say stuff like "Well, you might be ahead on math, but you may be behind in other areas. Like the character to be humble about it. Like the discretion to respect others and their thoughts. etc." I've always emphasized that school is such a tiny part of our life experience and who we are. I've also made a point to put my accelerated kid into activities that require a bit of struggle, patience, and a stretch for her. Like piano.

 

That's how I handled it.

 

[Syllieann]

My 6 yo knows he's ahead in math because of the grade level on it. For history and science he never sees a grade level on anything. His language arts says ages 7-9 so he figures he's only 1 yr ahead there. I never mentioned that it was supposedly for "gifted" 7 year olds. People have commented on things though. His vocabulary has sometimes raised eyebrows, and made him feel self-conscious. Twice his book has been mistaken as mine, with someone trying to strike up a conversation with me about the book. The material in his faith formation class is really simplistic for him, and he noticed the other kids don't read very well. So we've talked about it, but I don't think he realizes quite how far ahead he is. I try to stress that he was given that gift without having done anything to earn it. The part he should be proud of is his work in developing it and using it in an upright way.

[eternallytired]

DS has been asking what the numbers mean on his books, but I've just told him that those are the levels.  You start with level one books and keep going.  So he doesn't realize that they're corresponding to grade levels. Thankfully all our books just have a number (or like BA, number/letter combo)--no "grade" attached to the label.

 

DD, I think, has an inkling.  I call her K, since that's what she'd be by age.  In September we tried out the library's new K-2 homeschool program.  The librarian wanted the kids to partner up and pick one of the Elephant and Piggie books available, practice partner reading, and then perform the book for the group.  The whole business was an ill-planned fiasco (the same five books read three times each...in a mumble...with no pictures for the audience to look at...and half the kids needing moms off to the side prompting or just feeding them the words).  At any rate, DD turned to me about halfway through, eyes wide, and said in a horrified stage-whisper, "Mom!  I think some of these kids CAN'T READ!"  Shortly after that she started a new year of Sunday School, where she's been bumped up to the 1st/2nd grade group because she's the only K-er who shows up for Sunday School.  The teachers were apparently vocally impressed that she knew how to read, since it was notable enough to her that she reported it later.

 

At any rate, it leaves me with a bad taste when kids are announcing to others, "I'm reading at THIS grade level!" so very smugly, so I'm trying to keep my kids from that sort of thing.  I'd rather stick with, "I love X type of books!" or "Multiplication is my favorite part of math!"  ODS is bad enough with guitar, where his teacher just moved him to private lessons, telling him, "You're just moving waaaay faster than any of my other students!"  We've been working on appropriate pride/appropriate humility, but it's not an easy road.  I try to make him focus on his time spent practicing and the improvement he's made, rather than the fact that he's left his peers in the dust.  I think it'll help now that he's on his own and has no one to compare himself to (and no other parents oohing and aahing over him every lesson).  I'm half-tempted to stick him back in soccer, where he did not excel...but he didn't really notice that he was one of the worst on the team, so that might backfire.  So far DD just compares herself to her brother and despairs because he's faster at mental math...so no worries about her for now.

 

Syllieann, I think I may steal your line about the development and use of their gifts that they can be proud of.

[SeaConquest]

And does it even matter? Does it just fall under the heading of "everyone is different and has different strengths"?

 

My 6 yo recently asked what the 3A on his singapore and beast academy workbooks meant. I don't think I really want him understanding that he's accelerated until he's also mature enough to handle it with humility and discretion when around other kids. Right now, he already brags about anything and everything he can do, and we're having a hard time balancing a good and healthy amount of pride in his work and accomplishments with an unhealthy pride that comes from comparing himself to others and always wanting to be (and insisting on being) the best (e.g., dealing with some pretty bad sportsmanship that is really coming out when he can't be the best).

 

Just random thoughts and musings on my part and wondered what you all think and/or do. :)

 

Sacha knows that he is accelerated, and knows that we homeschool primarily for that reason. He does struggle with the bolded as well. We work on it quite a bit, but he's still a show-off at times. That's one of the reasons he is involved in so many athletic activities. HIs gross motor skills are probably a year or two behind his age peers, and I think it is good for him to learn sportsmanship, humility, and a work ethic from an early age.  

[rwilk]

My DD is vaguely aware of different developmental speeds. She knows she's a good reader, and has a sense it is unusual for her age. Her best friend is a fairly normally developing 7 year old.  DD does all the reading when they play games, and can use numbers a bit faster (ie during Sorry, she can eyeball 11 spaces and/or figure out the best ways to split). Her friend never makes her feel awkward about it, and DD does it in a natural non-braggy sort of way.  

 

On the other hand, DD's gross motor is super behind, and her best friend is super ahead. So when physical things need to happen, her friend takes the lead, and helps DD along. 

 

Mostly it comes up when she is in a same-age environment. She really struggles that the other kids her age are not able to have conversations like she is.  She assumes everyone has the same vocab, or at least if they don't, that the normal response is to ask for a definition of an unknown word.  

 

DD to peer: Hey do you want to play marsupial?  I'll be a wallaby.  What marsupial do you want to be?  Other kid: looks blankly at DD.  DD:  Would you rather play reptile?

 

Or my favorite recent one:  DD: Let's play siren! Other kid: starts running around making fire siren noises.  DD: No, like the Greek sirens.  I'll trap you with my song, and you'll have to figure out how to escape.  Other kid:  Blank look.  

 

Sigh. 

 

So she doesn't really know she's "advanced" but she does have a sense something is different about her. I'm sort of hoping to avoid letting her know any more for as long as I can.

[Runningmom80]

Probably around age 4. He was in Montessori preschool and bored out of his mind. He was also reading better than any of the other students, despite the fact that he was a "first year."

[4KookieKids]

Thanks, All. It's good to read this. I don't think eldest is braggy in a "put himself above others" sort of way. He's genuinely excited about all that he can do and just wants others to praise/affirm him for it. But he's definitely a say-whatever-comes-into-your-mind sorta guy, and I'd like to avoid a situation like this one where he just blurts something awkward out. :)  ((We already have to work enough to avoid saying things like "Mom, why is she SO fat??" in front of other people... He doesn't mean harm, but doesn't yet have a good grasp on what's appropriate yet... :P))  It's one of the reasons - even though I'm a pretty laid-back homeschooler and don't want to by "pushy" - why I *do* push him a little in the hour of school we do each day, just to keep things a little bit hard for him still. Spelling usually does the trick on that one. :)

I really like Syllieann's line too, and may need to focus on that a bit more.

 

"Mom!  I think some of these kids CAN'T READ!" 

 

Syllieann, I think I may steal your line about the development and use of their gifts that they can be proud of.

 

[regentrude]

Related question about "bragging": why is it that academics get singled out?

Somehow it's OK for a child to be proud of being able to swim well, do the splits, score a soccer goal - but it's not OK to be proud of reading or math skills?

Singling this out and chastizing a child for being proud of his academic accomplishments is damaging. It may cause the child to hide his abilities, underperform, and ultimately contributes to the culture of academic mediocrity this country suffers from.

[4KookieKids]

Related question about "bragging": why is it that academics get singled out?

Somehow it's OK for a child to be proud of being able to swim well, do the splits, score a soccer goal - but it's not OK to be proud of reading or math skills?

Singling this out and chastizing a child for being proud of his academic accomplishments is damaging. It may cause the child to hide his abilities, underperform, and ultimately contributes to the culture of academic mediocrity this country suffers from.

 

We don't single out academics, and so far we also haven't chastized for any sort of bragging, because I haven't felt like there's been any ill-will (e.g., no desire to put others down). And this is one of the reasons why I initially asked if the academic side of things just falls under the realm of kids being different, having different strengths, etc. in your family. Because I do want my kids to be proud of their work and themselves, but I also want them to have enough humility and sensitivity to know when is and when is not an appropriate time to be making a big deal of it (e.g., perhaps it's not the appropriate time to brag about swimming the entire length of the pool when a sibling is discouraged over their own swimming, you know?) And I know this goes more into the area of character and spiritual training than academics - I just thought that others with accelerated kiddos might have some insight into addressing it. :)

[eternallytired]

Related question about "bragging": why is it that academics get singled out?

Somehow it's OK for a child to be proud of being able to swim well, do the splits, score a soccer goal - but it's not OK to be proud of reading or math skills?

Singling this out and chastizing a child for being proud of his academic accomplishments is damaging. It may cause the child to hide his abilities, underperform, and ultimately contributes to the culture of academic mediocrity this country suffers from.

 

I don't single out academics, and we're still working on understanding the concept of bragging right now.  For us it was coming out over ODS's guitar lesson, and I've tried to explain the difference between being proud of what you've accomplished and simply trying to inform others that you think you're awesome.  So I'm fine with saying, "I can play this song now!  I was the first one to learn it!" but not so much with, "I'm really awesome at guitar.  I'm way better than the other kids in my group!"  One is stating an accomplishment, the other is making a comparison which casts others in a negative light.  (We've also discussed that sharing your accomplishments should not take up an entire, one-sided conversation, as other people likely have things they would like to share, too.)

 

For that same reason, I don't like grade-leveling.  If you state that you learned your times tables, that's an accomplishment; if you state that you're in kindergarten and are working on 3rd grade math, that's designed to show how you favorably compare with others your age.  I'd rather my kids be proud of what they can do, not of how they compare to others. 

 

Does that make sense?  Is there really a distiction to be made here, or am I nuts?

[Tsuga]

I will say that most of the six year olds I know brag a lot so this character issue can be addressed in a general way. Most kids are good at something but we don't want them bragging about it, and no, not even about doing the splits.

 

I am not sure his bragging is due to his genuine advancement. My nephew is not accelerated but he brags like crazy... though he's two years behind my daughter in math.

 

So I'd separate the question of self-awareness from the question of bragging. Six year olds brag and they need to learn how to enjoy themselves without bragging.

 

As for his realization, I just tell my kids--who are at a similar level of advancement (1st grader in 3rd grade math, 3rd grader at 5th grade level in school)--"We are all doing our best. For some people this takes one year, for others, five years, and that's okay. Everyone is doing their best." It's a good catch-all answer because it's true and kind and reminds them of what's really important.

[regentrude]

As for his realization, I just tell my kids--who are at a similar level of advancement (1st grader in 3rd grade math, 3rd grader at 5th grade level in school)--"We are all doing our best. For some people this takes one year, for others, five years, and that's okay. Everyone is doing their best." It's a good catch-all answer because it's true and kind and reminds them of what's really important.

 

It is a kind sentiment for little kids, but even kids will pretty soon figure out that this is not the case. (The first group prject usually cures them of that notion.)

So how and when do you address that is is not actually true?

 

Or do you really believe that all people are doing their best? I have not seen any evidence of this.

 

[MinivanMom]

It is a kind sentiment for little kids, but even kids will pretty soon figure out that this is not the case. (The first group prject usually cures them of that notion.)

So how and when do you address that is is not actually true?

 

Or do you really believe that all people are doing their best? I have not seen any evidence of this.

 

I have always preferred, "We all have different things we're good at," or "We all have different interests." I think focusing on different interests has helped a lot with understanding why some kids don't try very hard.

 

It took a long time for my oldest two to realize they were accelerated. They knew they read well at a young age and were proud of that, but they've always been homeschooled so they really had no one to compare themselves to in other areas. My oldest didn't start to be aware of it until she was 10 or 11 and realized that studying prealgebra was ahead of her friends at school. At that point she started to compare books they were reading, and it was a bit of an epiphany for her. But she was old enough at that point to know that it's rude to brag or make comparisons.

[mathnerd]

Mine figured out in preK that he was accelerated - he came home one day and told me: "I know everything". I asked him why he thought so and he said that he could read, write (it was scrawling rather than writing at that time) and do arithmetic and there was only one other boy who could read in his class. We have emphasized ever since that every person is different, has different interests, different family backgrounds and different priorities in life - which reflect on the young child's academic abilities. He has had evidence that he is radically accelerated since then from the Talent Searches he has taken, the Gifted programs he has attended, his standardized testing results and the level of his books - but, he has had asynchrony in several non-academic areas and I use that to teach him that some kids are behind in some areas and ahead in others just like he is behind in some skill sets and ahead in others. Along with giftedness, my child seems to have the desire to blend in - so, we have the opposite problem of bragging - acting dumb and fumbling over things that are many levels below his natural abilities in order for other kids to accept him as one of their group. We have been working on that for a long time now.

[regentrude]

I have always preferred, "We all have different things we're good at," or "We all have different interests." I think focusing on different interests has helped a lot with understanding why some kids don't try very hard.

 

Oh, I like the bolded. I like that a lot better than pretending all are doing their best.

 

I don't like the "all have different things we are good at" explanation because that "being good at" something is not static. I would want to instill that one can become good at something through effort and hard work.

 

ETA: I do not, however, think that the different interest explanation sheds light on why some people don't try hard. Some people are motivated to excel with anything they have to do, not just what "interests" them.

[Dmmetler]

What frustrates DD isn't when someone is obviously working hard at their own level. She has a 13 yr old friend who regularly asks DD for math help- and DD has commented that M works harder on math than I do. She can see the struggles.

 

But she has a real problem with people who obviously aren't trying-who enroll in a class and then play on their phone, don't do the assignments, and so on. And she has real trouble with adults who enable and excuse such behavior.

[Kerileanne99]

I am working on this with Alex, who will turn 6 next month. I honestly don't think she means to brag or even really appreciates what bragging is. She just is so loud and boisterous that she wants people to pay attention to her. I think she really has a hard time not being taken seriously though...so she seems to want to qualify everything. For example, if she worked hard on something that day she might want to tell people and it comes across as 'I am only five but today I did this.' It is unfortunate and ai am trying to balance helping her understand how it might come across to others with understanding her need/desire to be treated as though she knows what she is talking about. At coop the big kids class was discussing their English and trying to figure out a sentence diagram and ignored her telling them what to do. She got louder and louder, finally saying something like 'I am only five but I know how to do it because I am working on X-grade English' or something similar. It is a tough one.

 

Or something like this: I am tutoring a 6th grade PS boy in math. He is lovely, but his family cannot help him and he lacks confidence/practice. I usually tutor him whilst daddy takes her to gymnastics, but occasionally she is home. Then she wants to 'help' by teaching him. Right now he is doing ratios and she will say something like 'oh! Ratios are easy! I am only 5 but I can show you. And if my mom can't tutor you I can!'

ðŸ˜awful!!!! But she is so earnest and really wants to help:(. It doesn't help that she has trouble with social cues and such:(

I am hoping that time and continued talks will help...

[Tsuga]

It is a kind sentiment for little kids, but even kids will pretty soon figure out that this is not the case. (The first group prject usually cures them of that notion.)

So how and when do you address that is is not actually true?

 

Or do you really believe that all people are doing their best? I have not seen any evidence of this.

Well... What would you say then? If you operate on the principle that "Some people aren't even trying and some will never make it even if they do," you get far less out of people.

 

I mean, just because they suck at life doesn't mean they're not trying.

 

I would just say, when my kid is faced with a kid who is lazy, "Clearly that person does not have the training or motivation or talent to suck it up.

Too bad for them. Maybe someday they will learn. Maybe not. They are trying. Help them be better."

 

I still think they are coping as well as they can.

 

I don't think it is helpful in life to assume the worst. Better to give them a free pass.

 

Anyway, the OP's issue is not with her son's exceptional hard work, but the 6 year old brag phase combined with being truly ahead.

 

For that type of issue having a platitude to fall back on is useful.

 

As they realize that "try your best" means different things to different people I will help them learn to cultivate talent and organize groups and stand out in a bad group.

[rocassie]

My DD was probably about 6 when she realized that her friends weren't reading chapter books yet and some were not even reading yet.  Her questions came as, "they are six, why aren't they doing what I am doing?"

 

I did explain that every one does things in their unique time and that some things come easier while other things are more difficult.  The example I gave her is that "friend X was riding without training wheels but was just learning to read.  DD was reading, but couldn't ride without training wheels.  Neither one makes you better than the other or even less than the other, it's just different.  In fact, maybe you could help each other in the areas you have strengths."

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I think it becomes pretty clear to the child when so many resources are labeled with grade or age levels, both on books and online. If you join something like Mathletics, the first thing you have to do is enter your 'grade'. What does that even mean when you're homeschooling?

 

So, from a pretty young age, I've always told my daughter that everyone moves at their own pace and we all have our strengths and weaknesses. I also emphasise that we're very fortunate to have the option to homeschool and have the flexibility to move at her pace. Sometimes this is accelerating and sometimes this is slowing down to investigate something in more depth.

 

My daughter (9) is hyperaware of what she says and will bend over backwards to ensure she doesn't offend anyone. I want her to feel comfortable in herself and not embarrassed if she's put in a situation where someone may ask about 'what are you doing in maths' or similar. We've brainstormed some things she can say, such as 'I guess maths just clicks for me'. It isn't braggy and it isn't immediately balanced out with a negative, which I try to avoid eg 'Yes she's strong in maths, but ....'   

It's a tricky balance, isn't it??

[Dmmetler]

I think the comparison with sports is a good one. It's also been good here to talk about frustration tolerance and how some of the kids who aren't trying may have tried quite a bit, failed repeatedly, and have given up due to frustration. That sometimes it's easier not to try and pretend it doesn't matter rather than admit that you are struggling, instead of asking for help.

 

For DD, who has been stuck in tumbling for pretty long periods of time on specific skills (usually, in her case, due to sensory and anxiety-and having too developed of a sense of fear), that makes sense. So far, she's pushed through those plateaus and usually improved in other ways-but she understands WHY someone would want to give up. And it helps to reframe it from "they're not doing the homework or reading and are playing on their phones and they just don't care".

 

But, I admit, as an instructor, I kind of agree with her on one aspect. I truly don't understand why parents would pay for a class, and then let their child do none of the work, and justify it by saying that they know their child has learned a lot despite the exam score.

[The Governess]

Dd figured it out when she was reading chapter books (like Little House) by her fourth birthday. She got so many surprised comments from strangers that, until a couple of years ago, she refused to read in public. Broke my heart.

[4KookieKids]

It makes me feel better to know that 6 years old may just be the age of bragging and I haven't necessarily failed to teach him appropriate humility and sportsmanship. I want to be really sensitive in this area to praise my kids rightly so they can be proud of themselves, their work, etc. but just to teach them not to compare themselves with others in an unhealthy way. I know that it's sometimes difficult for me *as an adult* to not compare myself and our family with others (eg. so-and-so's not reading as early as them!) and I'd like to help my kids stay away from that temptation as well. :) I notice that a good number of you folks on the AL board do a great job of minimizing your contribution to that kind of sentiment in little ways (e.g., avoiding matching ages with school material used) and I actually find that helpful even to help myself not compare when reading the boards. So I'll just keep trying to learn from you all! :)

[Dmmetler]

The other thing, too, is that with maturity you learn what to say and how to say it-that works both for parents and for kids. At 6, it's still new. You only just started formal education and finally have that to talk about with others, and there's a constant stream of conversation about it. It's harder to filter without that experience.

 

At 6, I remember my DD walking up and correcting a couple of older kids' math on the board at co-op, in a different class than hers-and being surprised when the kids weren't happy.

 

At 10, she will sometimes ask an older girl to "show me what you're working on-I just LOVE math"-and quietly make suggestions that gets them unstuck when they're struggling with Algebra-without them ever realizing that she's doing it.

 

Same kid, same advanced skills, but MUCH better tact and social skills!

 

 

[Rush]

now, at 7. 

Edited November 21, 2015 by rushhush08

[Btervet]

DS figured it out pretty much as soon as we started anything that looked like academics, so a little before he turned 5. His math games are labeled by grade, some of this science books have grades on them, many chapter books have recommended grade levels, etc.

 

It's been a problem for us. He has a huge ego. He is an "expert" at everything. He's also 5, so it's totally age appropriate to brag and have a big ego, but it is something we are working on.

 

Our biggest problems have been when other kids ask him what grade he is in. I keep telling him to say kindergarten, but he refuses as says anything between 1-4th. Which makes the other kids upset, which makes him upset, and just all around isn't a good thing. But he's stubborn. *sigh*

[SunshineMom]

My dd figured it out around six/seven from how adults (librarians, co-op parents) reacted to her independent reading choices.

[Arcadia]

DS9 was much better in being tactful after 8. DS10 barely talks unless he wants to.

Kids bragging a little at all ages seems normal.

 

Same kid, same advanced skills, but MUCH better tact and social skills!

:iagree:

[Donna]

Oldest ds realized in preschool that no one else read so he would not read to his preschool teacher. We did talk a lot about the different people having different strengths.

 

For my youngest, who always home schooled with her brothers, I am not exactly sure. From her point of view, I think she was always trying to catch up with her older brothers and didn't see herself as ahead. With schoolwork, she always wanted materials that didn't look "babyish" which, to her, meant no cartoons. When she learned to read at 3yo, everyone around her was reading so she didn't view it as being accelerated. She still, even at 13, thinks she is bad at math because she works hard at it and she doesn't realize the average 13 year old is not doing Algebra 2 (according to the normal sequence in our area she will be halfway finished high school math before she even gets into high school but since she has never been to school, it isn't something she thinks about). I know with her music, she never really compared herself to kids her age but to everyone, adults included especially with her Irish music, because she spent a lot of time playing in sessions that mainly consisted of men in their 40's and older. I think she works so hard because she is trying to improve herself based on things she thinks she needs to improve to sound like her ideal rather than comparing herself with other people.

[Brit29]

My dd figured it out around six/seven from how adults (librarians, co-op parents) reacted to her independent reading choices.

 

Yes to this. My Dd suspected her interests were different than other kids her age after a conversation with the librarians, and when she was able to hold a conversation with the biology professor at my school. 

 

We've been fortunate to have a lot of other kids around us that are accelerated in one way or another. We know a few top level gymnasts, a kid with crazy art abilities, and a few expert math kids. That has helped.