Oh! What to do with this child???

[arcara]

I have a 12-year-old (13yo in Jan) daughter and I just don't know how to motivate her. She's ALWAYS been my difficult-to-homeschool child. I've tried different things every year from very structured to more relaxed and interest-led, but nothing seems to work. She might have one good week occassionally when she senses that I'm very frustrated with her lack of work, but she never puts together two decent weeks. She works slowly, doesn't complete work, and won't consistently study no matter how I try to break things down for her into small chunks. I don't think she has any learning disabilities. She reads well and enjoys it. It's just about the only thing she enjoys doing. She used to craft a lot, but she hasn't done that in while.

 

Any ideas? Anyone BTDT and managed to change things? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[basketcase]

Consequences, both good and bad - this year I give a reward to each kid who finishes everything assigned for the week. They're currently saving up school points so they can get Lego sets. If they aren't staying on task, aren't doing their best work, or generally are making school miserable, they have to clean or pull weeds for a while. There's been a remarkable change in my oldest kid's attitude. But I think they're getting tired of the reward system, so I'm trying to think up something new to begin in January.

[Tess in the Burbs]

My boy is the same, search for my posts. It isn't better. At this point I am just trying to love him. And hope he gets school done before bedtime.

[OneStepAtATime]

Is she involved in outside activities with friends?  Is there anything she looks forward to that would motivate her to finish her work earlier so she can participate?  What about looking into enrolling her in school?  Maybe she needs outside accountability?  If not a regular brick and mortar what about a co-op?  Are there any in your area that would be worthwhile?

[arcara]

Thank you for your replies. There aren't any good coops around, we can't afford private school and public school is not an option. I have wondered for a couple of years if she doesn't need more outside accountability. We have free cyber school in our state with daily online classes that I've strongly considered, but I haven't been able to convince my husband. Sigh...

 

Thank you again!

Angela

[bethben]

Try one online class?  If that works, bump it up to more?  My ds who is 15 now does work a lot better for other people.  He is also always trying to get a good grade which was a total surprise for me since that never seemed to matter to him before.

[Desert Strawberry]

She likes to read. I'd start there. Does she read a wide variety, or just a narrow selection of what she chooses? If you could give her a reading-based program, might that work better? Perhaps just a book list with lots of content, in story form if possible. Hand her a stack of books, send her to a boring room and I'll see ya later. 

[MerryAtHope]

I have a 12-year-old (13yo in Jan) daughter and I just don't know how to motivate her. She's ALWAYS been my difficult-to-homeschool child. I've tried different things every year from very structured to more relaxed and interest-led, but nothing seems to work. She might have one good week occassionally when she senses that I'm very frustrated with her lack of work, but she never puts together two decent weeks. She works slowly, doesn't complete work, and won't consistently study no matter how I try to break things down for her into small chunks. I don't think she has any learning disabilities. She reads well and enjoys it. It's just about the only thing she enjoys doing. She used to craft a lot, but she hasn't done that in while.

 

Any ideas? Anyone BTDT and managed to change things? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

I don't think there's really a "magic bullet" kind of answer. Some kids just need more accountability and direction than others. Set up a routine for her with endpoints for each subject. Give her a limited amount of time. When time is up, move on to the next subject. Anything not finished will be saved for "homework." At the end of her school day, she has free time unless she has homework. Homework is done at the kitchen table or other place mom designates (not sprawled out on one's bed or a couch or the floor or other most favorite comfortable spot.) All work needs to be turned in (have a turn-in box or basket for this purpose). If she tends to not finish work, she may need to show you all of her work and have you at least acknowledge that it's done before she can move on to free time. 

 

One of my kids used to need to touch base with me between each subject, while the other could take a big stack, disappear into a room, and come out a few hours later with a chunk of subjects done. Different kids, different needs. We used workboxes for years, which required my kids to work on only one thing at a time, and turn that subject in before moving to the next. I could see at a glance where each child was in their subjects for the day (and they could see each other's boxes too, which I think also spurred them on to keep working). 

 

The one that needed frequent check-ins did better in high school if we had two meeting times per day instead of one (I generally did a one-on-one tutoring session with my kids each day. We discussed the previous days work and discussed progress in various subjects). At the first meeting time I'd go over a few subjects and get him going for a few things--and then do the other subjects at the 2nd meeting time. 

 

Your daughter is also getting old enough that you could put the monkey on her back some. Ask her to come up with a plan for getting her work done each day, and then come tell you what her plan is. Have her think through what distracts her and keeps her from getting things done. Don't accept "I'll try to do better" from this kind of conversation. Gently but firmly say, "I know you'll try to do better, but what I'm asking for is your plan. What is your plan for making things change?"

 

Another idea--if she usually works in her room, allow her to work there until noon. At noon, she should check in with you and show you what's done. If she's making good progress, she can work in her room in the afternoon and check in again at 3. If she's not making good progress, she needs to move to an area you designate where she won't be distracted by whatever's in her room. 

 

Involve her in the decision-making process somehow though--it's good for kids to recognize their strengths and weaknesses and to self-accommodate. Sometimes that means removing distracting objects (my dd sometimes puts her kindle on my shelf during school), and sometimes that means changing the environment or something else. Figure out what's distracting and why the work isn't getting done, set up some accountability, and encourage. (Think about what you need in order to do a good job at a job--likely a combination of encouragement, guidance, accountability, and sometimes reproof is what's needed. It's the same with our kids. If we wait until we can't stand it and then blow up at them, it's not the best way to guide and direct them to do better generally. But taking a step back and thinking through what causes the trouble spots can usually lead to some workable solutions. Not perfect necessarily! But hopefully better!)

[...................]

The only thing that works for my dd is that she can't go to her afternoon activities unless she gets her school done...usually by about 2:30.  She has dance on Monday, We go to the library together on Tuesday, Sports Day on Wednesday and usually a play date or bike riding, playing on Friday.  So at least 3 days per week I have a strong built in system of accountability...and on Fridays she just wants to get it all done, so that works too!  

 

Thursdays are tricky because the outing (a half day school type program) is in the morning, so of course guess what?  Thursday afternoon she doesn't get her stuff done, skips it or whatever. SO for Thursday's work not getting done, it tacks onto Friday now.

 

You just have to keep working to find something that works, and don't nag.  Just deliver the consequence. 

 

I see that you have a lot of children so I don't know if this is possible, but I would encourage you to have a planned special thing for your dd 4 days per week....

[...................]

PS Next year I am signing her up for a class at Potter's School or maybe some of the other ones mentioned in my recent thread about which online classes show the teachers...so this year I am working on getting her to type...she is doing half an hour per day now of typing instructor....I think having outside accountability and grades and competition will really excite and motivate her!

 

But, they can't effectively enjoy any online classes unless they can type well...so that is a BIG priority here this year.  :o)

[FO4UR]

What is her motivation?  (not punishments if...but internal motivation)  13yo is not too young to begin daydreaming about becoming a doctor, lawyer, business owner, freelance writer, whatever.  Have these conversations over popcorn and hot chocolate.  After she begins to adopt the idea that she will be an adult one day and she will want career choices, she will be ready for the next conversation...which is "If you want to do this, you have to do that....and to get ready for that, we have to work hard daily now."  

 

I think middle school is hard b/c these kids are too mature to be motivated by M&Ms and colored gel pens, and they are not yet mature enough to be motivated by a focused and personal goal.  Even if they don't know specifics, most older teens have an idea that they prefer to choose a career path where they can _______. (work with their hands, work on a computer, play with dogs, make $, help people, live in a great city, live on a  farm....)  It might be hard to motivate an older teen to do things that they cannot see relevant to their future, but most will work hard if they see the pay-off in the not-so-distant future. That may not help much now except to encourage you to begin the daydreaming and to hold out hope that if you are consistent with her, her internal motivation will kick in at some point. (RIght?  Someone with adult children tell me I'm right, please!)

 

 

 

Are her daily expectations clear?  This work done before lunch, that work done with mom, these things finished before we end the school day.

 

Are the directions clear?  "Write an essay." might be too vague.  

 

Is she afraid to fail? Is she paralyzed into only trying what she already knows?  Praise her for working hard on things, for her logical attempt, for her creative prowess...and then teach.  Truly, the ability to fail gracefully is vital to success.  (A professional singer makes several mistakes in every performance, but you won't notice b/c they have perfected the skill of "creative prowess" and just moving along.)

 

 

FTR - I am going through the same thing with the same age child.  This post is my internal self-talk.  :lol:  :crying:  :grouphug:  :lol:

 

 

 

[HomeAgain]

12 was a hard year for us.  I'm not going to beat around the bush.  There were a lot of tears shed on both our part that year.  I wondered if my child was just doomed to fail.  If I had failed him.  It was the worst year homeschooling and it didn't matter how I presented it or what we were doing.  He was just a sloth.  An irresponsible, toddler-like sloth.

 

13 was better.  13 was the year I broke off from classical except for science and WWS.  We did an all in one program that was gentle enough to allow for success, but scheduled day by day so that we never 'fell behind'.  He picked up on responsibility.  We spent the year reconnecting.  3 years later it didn't harm him one bit. I really like my kid now that he's in the solid teens.  He's learned how to keep track of all his assignments, how to study, how to create aids and helps for himself.  It gets better.  They get better.  I don't know what it is about age 12, but many of the kids I know just revert at that time.

[RootAnn]

I have a 12-year-old (13yo in Jan) daughter and I just don't know how to motivate her. She's ALWAYS been my difficult-to-homeschool child. I've tried different things every year from very structured to more relaxed and interest-led, but nothing seems to work. She might have one good week occasionally when she senses that I'm very frustrated with her lack of work, but she never puts together two decent weeks. She works slowly, doesn't complete work, and won't consistently study no matter how I try to break things down for her into small chunks. I don't think she has any learning disabilities. She reads well and enjoys it. It's just about the only thing she enjoys doing.

 

The bolded parts describe my eldest child - who is older than yours. There are other things I could say -- she's smart, good at the things she does, loves languages & algebra, but could happily spend all day listening to country music & reading her books. When I figure this child out, I'll let you know.

 

Right now, when the rest of the family is off school like for Thanksgiving week, she's supposed to be catching up on her work. It seems to all of us as if she doesn't ever get a break. (She does, but they aren't as often as the rest of us.) When I put less on her schedule, she works even less and ends up two or three times further behind. It is  :banghead:  frustrating.

[Mom2OandE]

I'm going through the same thing with dd12/almost 13. It actually started last year in 6th. This year showed improvement but we are back to the same thing. Recently someone filled me in on ADHD in girls and it's got me wondering.

[yvonne]

I was in a similar spot with my daughter last year. She was 12, in 7th grade. All she wanted to do is read her own chosen books.  She did take a couple of online classes last year which went well.

 

This year, I'm almost embarrassed to admit, we outsourced all her classes. She still would rather just lie about the house reading books of her own choosing or writing her own stories, but this year has been going so much more smoothly. She is getting so much more work done, almost without any whining. In fact, when I catch her off guard, she even admits liking a couple of her classes. LOL 

 

Mostly, I'm happy to have our relationship back on a positive footing. I don't know how much of the change is due to her (and me!) being another year older and how much is due to outsourcing. With outsourcing, the dynamic has moved away from her and me to her and the outside instructor. I'm more on her "side."  It's like, instead of being on the other side of the table, setting out the requirements for the course and giving the assignments, I'm right next to her,  helping her to do well in her courses, when she wants help.  Some moms manage being on both sides of the table. I couldn't seem to do that well.

Edited December 11, 2015 by yvonne

[...................]

Redirecting a thread a few weeks old, but Yvonne, when you say outsource do you mean online classes or local in person ? I would love to know. :)

[yvonne]

Redirecting a thread a few weeks old, but Yvonne, when you say outsource do you mean online classes or local in person ? I would love to know. :)

 

Outsourcing to local, live classes or to online classes have both worked for us. I usually look at what she's going to cover for the year, decide whether/what to outsource, and then look for the best teachers I can find for those subjects.

 

She really liked the one live, local science she took last year. The teacher was excited about the subject, and my dd also enjoyed the live interaction with friends.  I had really hoped to find at least one live, local class for her this year, but wasn't able to find anything that I couldn't have done as well or better than on my own, let alone through an online class. So, this year, she only has live, online classes, no live, local classes.