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family birthday party vent. likely a jawm. Maybe wwyd?


athomeontheprairie
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So many auto correct errors that I'm not in going to try and save the post .

 

Really angry at family for completely forgetting one of my kids birthdays. and not just one member six aunts and uncles and multiple grandparents.

 

another kid in the family will have a birthday party that all of those people will come to, but none of them could even bother to call or text or send a card.

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That stinks! If your kids are old enough to know what's going on, that is even worse.

 

When I'm a grandparent, I will want my children & grandchildren to stay with us when they're visiting - I want to be an involved grandparent. We have both kinds of grandparents in our family - one set of involved grandparents and one set of uninvolved/indifferent grandparents. Believe me, kids understand the difference at a very young age.

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WWID?  I would give you a hug. Then, I would say, "Let it go."   I get it. It sucks. I have family just like this.  My parents used to drive within 5 minutes of my house on the way to visit another sister several states away. They could have easily dropped in for lunch or just to say hello without detouring more than 5 minutes from the main road. But, nope. Never.

 

So, based on my own experience, I would say you have a choice. Allow this to continue to bug you and color you view of the upcoming festivities or establish new traditions with your own family. Let it be about developing things that feel good to you and your kids.  Don't let it be about not being part of the other group but rather about doing something so special with your family that they know they are getting the better deal.  

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It's weird to be the one with the favored child too.  Believe me, we wish thing would go better for all the other children too.  

 

:ph34r:

 

"Hey guys.  Did you see what Aunt and Uncle Plays-Favorites got for Junior? A Wii!  How cool!"  said one clueless kid to an "unfavored" cousin at a recent holiday.  Awkward and uncomfortable silence follows for all adults.  Should we not invite Aunt and Uncle to the party knowing that ignored my cousin's kids party?  Ugh.  

 

I'm sorry your family is jerks.  

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I would stop exposing my dc to "family" that doesn't acknowledge him. I'd especially not attend events involving presents or celebrations where favoritism will be on display. So, no extended family Christmas and no cousin birthdays. If dh's family treats members equally and with love and I thought spending time with extended family was importat, I'd spend time with them. Otherwise, I'd create traditions within the immediate family unit and limit contact.

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I didn't see the original post but if they're usually good... I'd be upset, but then I'd let it go. I'm terrible with dates, but it really doesn't mean I love my extended family any less. Every family member gets a pass for screwing up occasionally for something like this. That's part of being in a good family.

 

If they're often toxic in various ways, it's a sign. Let go of your expectations of them instead, limit how much you're wrapped up in each other's lives.

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I didn't see the original post either. But the ILs will only get my kids a gift if they have a party. They saw DS the day before his party and nothing (we hadn't decided if we were having a party at that point, we had just moved). But of course they did get him gifts for his party a few weeks later. They just posted pictures of a sleepover with all of the other grandkids except ours. They go months without seeing or talking to them, although we're only 40 minutes away.

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I have the favored child on one side and he gets almost ignored by the other. It's led to some weird conversations with ds, and it does color his relationship with those people. It's not about the gifts, it's about being acknowledged.

 

I'm sorry you're having to deal with being ignored.  :grouphug:

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Hmmm. Well in my family the only time bdays really get acknowledged is when you're in person with them. I assume my parents make the birthday phone calls and give presents to all 16 of their grandkids but aunt's and uncles only do so when their is a party for a niece or nephew. It isn't because they love one child more but more so that we simply don't make birthdays a huge deal. Now at Christmas all kids get presents of equal value unless they are into something particularly expensive that their parent really can't pull off bugging.

 

My in laws put a huge emphasis on bdays and everyone gets a phone call from everyone on their bday. There was a time when fil would take my oldest, his first grandchild out to lunch for his bday, and didn't take any othergrandkid. But I put a stop to that when my dd was old enough to realize what was happening. I think it had more to do with not having a busy work schedule near ds' bday and not favoritism.

 

I hope your child isn't hurt by the lack of acknowledgment and enjoys their bday. And I hope it's not favoritism because that sucks. And I'd limit my time with any family member showing favoritism.

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My kids' birthdays span a 2 1/2 month range, and FIL forgot all of them because we don't use Facebook (no Happy Birthday Kid! messages) and we didn't have parties (no invitation-slash-reminder card). After the last birthday, DH got a text message asking when the birthdays were again. DH responded... and when I read the text, he had told his dad the wrong date for my youngest (confused it with our anniversary)! If DH can't keep his own kids' b-days straight, I have no hope for FIL.

 

That being said, I have no clue when my niece's and nephews' birthdays are. We go to the parties, but I don't know the actual days. They don't know our kids' b-days either, so it's a mutual thing. I also don't know when my youngest two (half) brothers' birthdays are. We don't play favorites though. If the expectations aren't the same, that's hard.

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With aunts and uncles, I'm not upset that they don't remember birthdays. I don't remember my nieces and nephews birthdays. But the grandparents know. For them, it's all about making a show. If there's no party, no one will see what they got them. But if there's a party, everyone will see gifts for them. And it's not about the gifts. But my kids notice that the grandparents got gifts for the cousins and nothing for them. They barely got a happy birthday.

 

ETA....in case you didn't notice, it's a huge issue I have with them. But there's a much bigger backstory also.

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I'm sorry. Our kids' only close family ignore most of our birthdays but we are supposed to acknowledge theirs. It sucks. :grouphug:

 

Could it be the time of year? A birthday in late October could be hard to schedule with sports and activities. DH's is right around Halloween, and his always got sucked into that. Still no excuse for not calling or sending a card if they do that for others!

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Sorry it offended you. We're not birthday people here. I think I've manage texts on time for my two oldest niece and nephew for the last few years. Before that, never. I don't even remember some of my other's birthdates, even. It's just not a thing for any of my family. I'm glad dh's family is pretty similar or merging those two attitudes would have been really hard.

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I hate to admit it, but I lost track of my nieces' and nephews' birthdays when my sibs exceeded two kids.

OTOH, it's not like I text some but not others.

 

True. There are 30+ grandkids in my family so unless someone is having a birthday party and inviting same-age cousins, we don't do anything for nieces and nephews either. My mom was great about taking each grandchild birthday shopping, but since she passed away, my dad has kind of dropped the ball. So unless he gets reminded he doesn't do anything for them.

 

DH's family has a lot fewer grandkids, but we still don't do anything for them either.

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well, we had family that forgot our kids almost from the beginning.  I had always sent high end gifts or cash for both their kids.  Never a thank you.  Or even acknowledgement it arrived.  I let it go for years.  The aunt called us for some reason right after dd's bday she had forgotten.  Dh asked if she remembered.  Keeping in mind she forgot both kids off and on for two years.  She sent a card that month.  Same aunt....asked my kid to his face 2 weeks before his birthday if he was excited about his birthday.  Then sent nothing.  No card.  no call.  Nothing.  At that point I considered stopping gifts to her kids.  But the hive said to love the child.  I sent money/card for 2 more years.  After that I stopped.  No one called or asked if I forgot.  These kids had never told me thank you ever anyway.  And this aunt had asked the year prior if we could stop giving gifts as adults.  I felt bad at first.  But now, we have no contact with that side of family.  

 

Give gifts to who you want.  Don't expect anything from anyone, especially family.  We gift friends more than family.  And I have a lot more peace about it now than fretting b/c they forgot my kids again.  We were not important to them.  And I am ok with that.  We parted ways and no one cared :-)

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The favorites thing is really sad for me to read too. I'm so glad my family on all sides has always been good about this. When I was little, my grandparents partially raised my cousins, but they were *still* so clear that they wanted to be equal in terms of gift giving. My ils live near sil and her kids. They take care of them after school, etc. but they're also still careful to do for our kids with the same "amount" of birthday and so forth. So terrible when grandparents play favorites. These are kids - and not even your own kids whose problems and issues you have to solve - kids who were put on this earth for you to just love. Grandparents who can't do that... ugh.

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