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Is this rude or not?


38carrots
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Muffins!  

203 members have voted

  1. 1. Muffins!

    • Betty is so nice to treat Kate with the mufffin!
      124
    • Betty is rude to bring the muffin when asked to bring only coffee.
      8
    • Bettty is presumptios to bring the muffin, assuming that Kate is denying herself.
      50
    • Betty is neither rude not nice, she's just absent minded.
      17
    • Kate is rude for not eating the muffin right away.
      4


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During an outing "Betty" is going to a coffee shop and asks the others if they want anything (as a treat). "Kate" says she wants a coffee.

 

Betty returns with a coffee and a muffin as a treat for Kate.

 

Kate thanks Betty, takes the coffee, but puts the muffin aside and doesn't eat it.

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No one was rude. Kate is under no obligation to eat a muffin she didn't ask for. If I were in Kate's shoes, I would have asked for a to go bag for the muffin so it didn't go to waste. I would have eaten it later, or given it to my kids.

 

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I think Betty was very sweet.  However, I wouldn't have eaten the muffin due to gluten intolerance. I get very sick if I eat things like that. I would have said something like "Oh my goodness, thank you. I've heard these are really good. I'm going to save it for later as a snack." 

Now, if it was a gluten-free muffin and she brought it to me, well...diet be darned. I'll eat it. But, that's just me. 

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I do think it's a bit presumptuous to buy her a muffin she didn't say she wanted. Maybe she's on a diet and is already splurging on coffee or doesn't want something that sweet. It was a nice gesture, but she wasn't at all rude to decline. It would be polite for Kate or Betty to offer it to the others in the group.

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I do think it's a bit presumptuous to buy her a muffin she didn't say she wanted. Maybe she's on a diet and is already splurging on coffee or doesn't want something that sweet. It was a nice gesture, but she wasn't at all rude to decline. It would be polite for Kate or Betty to offer it to the others in the group.

I've done stuff like this - split it into however many people are there and then everyone gets a little bit. 

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Nobody was rude!  "Oh, thank you!  You are so kind.  I think I'll save this muffin for later, unless you want some.  I'm not hungry enough for that now."  No problem, all friendly. 

 

Maybe the buyer really wanted a muffin and didn't feel good about buying one just for herself and leaving her friend out.  She offered a drink, but when she got to the counter the muffins looked great and she thought she'd do that too.

 

Now, if the muffin buyer said, "Oh, eat it!  Eat it now!" it would strongly border on pushiness.  Or if the receiver said, "Oh.  I hate baked goods," that would be rude. 

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When Betty  specifically asks Kate if want something or asks Kate what she wants and brings back something for Kate that isn't on the list, it's rude.  Not in your face rude, but just over the line into mildly rude. It's the equivalent of asking someone their name, the person responding, "Bill" and insisting on calling him Billy or William. 

 

If Betty hadn't specifically asked, then it's fine to bring an item or items in case Kate may want something.  At best Betty ignoring the specified item is mistaken in thinking Kate is incapable of knowing and or uncomfortable in articulating what she wants which is silly when dealing with a mentally competent adult.  At worst it's an "I know better what Kate wants or needs than Kate does."

 

It's silly to give someone a food item (as opposed to offering and being willing to accept both yes and no as an answer) to anyone without knowing if they have any dietary restrictions due to health or conviction.  I met the new neighbors yesterday.  I took flowers instead of baked goods because it's 2015 and a huge percentage of people I know in every aspect of my life are on some sort of restricted diet.  The polite ones aren't constantly going on about it so not everyone would know. When I invite someone over I ask them if they have any dietary restrictions so I can serve them accordingly.

 

Kate is under no obligation to eat it or take it with her for later because when asked, she specified she only wanted coffee. 

 

 

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Nice of Betty, but it's not rude of Kate. So many people have dietary issues that I wouldn't have gambled on buying the muffin.

 

And déjà vu on muffin refusal. I couldn't find the thread, but I could have sworn there was a similar one. Lots of anti-muffin peeps! :)

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I have no idea how buying a muffin for someone is rude. Kate has no obligation to eat or take or give an excuse for the lack of desire for the muffin and it isn't rude. But Betty has not been rude if she has simply purchased a muffin for Kate that Kate didn't ask for.

 

Like I said, if someone is specifically asked and their answer isn't followed specifically, then it's mildly rude.

 

 

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Like I said, if someone is specifically asked and their answer isn't followed specifically, then it's mildly rude.

 

 

 

I wavered between Betty being presumptuous and Betty being rude.  I went with rude.  Because, as HS Mom in AZ said, Betty asked what Kate wanted; Kate answered; Betty got Kate something she did not ask for and potentially put Kate in an uncomfortable position.   I don't understand why Betty would make the leap that Kate would want the muffin since she said she only wanted coffee. 

 

 

 

 

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I guess I'm assuming that Betty casually asked, Kate casually said something like, oh a coffee would be nice, but Betty decided to go above that, not that there was an additional, "I could also get you a pastry...?" that Kate objected to in there or some history where Betty is always forcing food on Kate or that Betty got annoyed by Kate's refusal to eat the muffin. Any of those things could make me move into the presumptuous category... though "rude" still seems a little strong. Just on the face of what's described there, I still don't think anyone was rude. The OP doesn't say Kate specifically said no pastry or nothing but coffee. And even if she did, without a lot of history, this is just looking for something to be annoyed by. Just let it go, on either side.

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Like I said, if someone is specifically asked and their answer isn't followed specifically, then it's mildly rude.

 

 

Hmmm. That seems awfully... Rigid to me. If I were Betty (I'm not, nor have I ever bought anyone an un-asked-for muffin) I might buy the coffee that was requested and add in something special just because... They're my friend and I wanted to show them they were appreciated. I'm not a business or a robot devoid of emotion. My friends can take or leave any "extras" that I choose to bring. "Extras" aren't rude.

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LOL, I voted presuptuous, but that is too strong of a word. Because so many people have food issues it is not a good idea to get someone food they did not ask for. The calories in a coffee shop muffin would sink my diet for a day.

 

I did too, but I don't think that it was presumptuous so much as insensitive in an innocent sort of way. 

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My aunts love to feed me. Actually so does my uncles. I could see them getting a large cup of coffee and some unasked for snacks for me. I would just say thanks and have the snacks later.

 

My mom would have come back with coffee and a big slice of tiramisu or black forest cake for me :)

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I think buying the muffin was a bit insensitive since she didn't ask for one.  I don't like wasting food or being put in a position where I have to refuse someone's gesture.  I probably would have taken it home for my daughters to share.  It would have been different to buy a muffin and suggest  splitting it.  But overall, it's a very small issue in my opinion.  

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Hmmm. That seems awfully... Rigid to me. If I were Betty (I'm not, nor have I ever bought anyone an un-asked-for muffin) I might buy the coffee that was requested and add in something special just because... They're my friend and I wanted to show them they were appreciated. I'm not a business or a robot devoid of emotion. My friends can take or leave any "extras" that I choose to bring. "Extras" aren't rude.

 

I get what you are saying. 

 

I was thinking about this a little more after I posted.  I would be annoyed by someone buying me food I didn't ask for, for a few reasons.  One is, waste of food and Betty's money if I didn't eat it. Another is presumption that I can't ask for what I want or that my friend thinks she knows better than I what I want. Then there's this: maybe I do really want a muffin, but because of a weight problem I should not eat a muffin right then - but now it's sitting there being a great temptation to me. 

 

It wouldn't end the friendship and I wouldn't seethe over it.  I'd politely accept the muffin and take it home, or throw it away once I was out of Betty's sight.  But I can assure you it would not make me feel more appreciated by my friend if I said I'd like coffee and the friend brought me something extra.  

 

ETA: Maybe this is one of those love languages things. 

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I think that in the OP, the last line is what makes me think Betty was presumptuous. If I was buying someone a little extra just because I wanted to please them, I pay no attention to what they do. If they eat it now, if they don't touch it, if they offer to share it all around - it's none of my concern once I have given a gift.

 

It's really easy for me to imagine one of my whiny SILs telling this story and saying, all butt-hurt, "...and I bought Kate a blueberry muffin, just to be nice, cost me three dollars, too, but she did not even *touch* it. She just sat there, bein' all skinny, drinking the coffee. She didn't even pay me back for the coffee!" I can totally hear it.

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I get what you are saying.

 

I was thinking about this a little more after I posted. I would be annoyed by someone buying me food I didn't ask for, for a few reasons. One is, waste of food and Betty's money if I didn't eat it. Another is presumption that I can't ask for what I want or that my friend thinks she knows better than I what I want. Then there's this: maybe I do really want a muffin, but because of a weight problem I should not eat a muffin right then - but now it's sitting there being a great temptation to me.

 

It wouldn't end the friendship and I wouldn't seethe over it. I'd politely accept the muffin and take it home, or throw it away once I was out of Betty's sight. But I can assure you it would not make me feel more appreciated by my friend if I said I'd like coffee and the friend brought me something extra.

 

You could also just say "no thanks" and drink your coffee. No need to ever take ownership of the muffin.

 

If it were a close enough friend that I'd buy them extras, I'd probably know they were not at a muffin-eating stage in their life so I wouldnt have bought them a muffin.

 

Regardless, I think we're making too many assumptions about the people involved. From what we've been told in the op, I don't see any rude.

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There seems to be way more attention brought to the muffin than needs to be.  If I was Kate,  I would just drink the coffee.  I would ask the group, "Anyone want this muffin?  I don't want it today."  If no one wanted it, I'd probably shock my daughter by sticking it in my purse to take home.  And I wouldn't think anything more of it.  I certainly wouldn't assign a rudeness value to it.  

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I think it was very nice of Betty to buy the muffin, but if I were Kate in this scenario, I couldn't eat it. I know it sounds weird to people who don't have my issues, but that muffin would completely ruin the rest of my day, and possibly the next couple of days (blood sugar issues, digestive issues, I'm a mess!). So, even though I would feel badly about it, I absolutely would not eat it. I might offer it back to the giver (is that an acceptable thing to do?), or someone else present, or say that I'd take it home for my daughter. And I would express sincere gratitude because I really do believe "it's the thought that counts"! But I still wouldn't eat it. Gosh, what is the best way for Kate to handle that scenario?

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I said Betty was nice. I agree Kate doesn't need to eat it but I don't see how it is rude to buy it unless there is a whole lot of other history that isn't mentioned in the OP. 

 

I go out for coffee semi-regularly with two friends. I can see this happening, in fact I think it has happened. Hmmm....maybe I know the OP. :) I think for us it would be something like Betty asking Kate if she wants anything, Kate says coffee. Betty goes up to the counter and sees they have yummy looking muffins. She doesn't feel like getting out of line to go ask Kate if she wants one but she buys one for any number of reasons (in the past Kate has been known to enjoy a good muffin, Betty wants one but feels guilty eating alone, Betty is just someone who enjoys giving people stuff, etc).  

 

In general in these kind of situations I think it's good to assume "honorable intentions" on the part of both people. Assume Betty has good intentions and isn't trying to force food on her friend or undermine her diet or subtly doubt her new gluten-free state or whatever. Assume Kate just doesn't feel hungry and doesn't have some kind of snobby anti-muffin fetish. Just assume people mean well and give them the benefit of the doubt. I find it makes most situations much easier. 

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I think Betty was nice to spontaneously bring Kate a muffin.  I think Kate was perfectly fine in saying thank you and putting the muffin aside, in fact it was the polite thing to do.  If Betty were to get ticked (because Kate did not eat muffin) or if Kate were perturbed (she bought me a muffin I did not ask for, how dare she) that I would consider rude.

 

Think of it this way:

When Grandma gives you an ugly sweater you smile and say thank you, because Grandma has the best of intentions and loves you.

 

 

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During an outing "Betty" is going to a coffee shop and asks the others if they want anything (as a treat). "Kate" says she wants a coffee.

 

Betty returns with a coffee and a muffin as a treat for Kate.

 

Kate thanks Betty, takes the coffee, but puts the muffin aside and doesn't eat it.

"Betty"?  What year is this, 1949? 

 

;)

 

This is not rude.  Perhaps Kate cannot eat the muffin.  Maybe she is gluten free or diabetic?  I think you can make no assumptions, however, it would have been polite of Kate to say something about how she will save it, or give it to someone else, and to thank Betty. 

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There seems to be way more attention brought to the muffin than needs to be.  If I was Kate,  I would just drink the coffee.  I would ask the group, "Anyone want this muffin?  I don't want it today."  If no one wanted it, I'd probably shock my daughter by sticking it in my purse to take home.  And I wouldn't think anything more of it.  I certainly wouldn't assign a rudeness value to it.  

 

Wouldn't that be rude to Betty, though?  I think if I was the kind of person who randomly bought my friends muffins, my feelings would be hurt if they flat-out said they didn't want it and tried to give it away.

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Wouldn't that be rude to Betty, though?  I think if I was the kind of person who randomly bought my friends muffins, my feelings would be hurt if they flat-out said they didn't want it and tried to give it away.

 

Well... it's a muffin. She can't secretly give it to Goodwill on the way home. Either somebody eats it or it goes in the trash.

 

I think it's preferable not to buy food for people who have given no reason to believe they want it, but I don't think that anyone was actually rude here.

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Wouldn't that be rude to Betty, though?  I think if I was the kind of person who randomly bought my friends muffins, my feelings would be hurt if they flat-out said they didn't want it and tried to give it away.

 

No, it wouldn't be rude.  You aren't obligated to accept food from anyone.  Better for you, though, to just say "no thank you" and leave the muffin to the purchaser to deal with.

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Ok before I read other replies...

 

Being off gluten, it takes a lot of willpower to resist things like muffins. If I had already indicated that I only wanted coffee, I'd be pretty frustrated if someone brought me an unwanted temptation. I would not show that frustration outwardly - I would thank Betty for her thoughtfulness - but I would not eat the muffin. I would in fact have to resist the urge to push it away.

 

[eta I would not eat the muffin, and in your example Kate was not rude to not eat it.]

 

I would love to think Betty a kind person, and she probably is. However, I have first hand experience with a food pusher in my life. If that were Betty, well, kindness isn't part of it.

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Wouldn't that be rude to Betty, though? I think if I was the kind of person who randomly bought my friends muffins, my feelings would be hurt if they flat-out said they didn't want it and tried to give it away.

No. It's not rude. Once the gift has been given, the receiver is free to do as they wish with it. It's not a gift if there is an expectation attached - it then becomes an obligation. Giving obligations is rude.

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betty was presumptuous in expecting kate to eat something she didn't request.  if she takes offense at kate not eating the muffin she did not request - then she has crossed the line to rude.

 

eta: this is assuming betty's intentions in purchasing the muffin were PURELY innocent. (perhaps betty can't conceive the thought of drinking coffee without some sort of bread product.)  yes, I've known controlling people who'd do such with unkind intentions.

 

brings to mind a woman at some all day activity I was at.  everyone knew it was all-day - and we brought lunches.  she went around and asked people if they wanted pizza - to which everyone said no.  then she ordered the pizza, went around offering it to people, and was huffy because no one ate it.

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When Betty  specifically asks Kate if want something or asks Kate what she wants and brings back something for Kate that isn't on the list, it's rude.  Not in your face rude, but just over the line into mildly rude. It's the equivalent of asking someone their name, the person responding, "Bill" and insisting on calling him Billy or William. 

 

If Betty hadn't specifically asked, then it's fine to bring an item or items in case Kate may want something.  At best Betty ignoring the specified item is mistaken in thinking Kate is incapable of knowing and or uncomfortable in articulating what she wants which is silly when dealing with a mentally competent adult.  At worst it's an "I know better what Kate wants or needs than Kate does."

 

It's silly to give someone a food item (as opposed to offering and being willing to accept both yes and no as an answer) to anyone without knowing if they have any dietary restrictions due to health or conviction.  I met the new neighbors yesterday.  I took flowers instead of baked goods because it's 2015 and a huge percentage of people I know in every aspect of my life are on some sort of restricted diet.  The polite ones aren't constantly going on about it so not everyone would know. When I invite someone over I ask them if they have any dietary restrictions so I can serve them accordingly.

 

Kate is under no obligation to eat it or take it with her for later because when asked, she specified she only wanted coffee. 

 

It could be that Kate can't fathom of a world of coffee without muffins. My mother was this way. Any shopping list/purchase request that was given to her was embellished with her own necessary additions. To her, they were absolutely required. Examples: every submarine sandwich came with chips; every take-out Chinese order came with egg rolls. 

 

And, once while I was home recovering from wisdom tooth surgery in college, my mother returned from the pharmacy with my painkillers, antibiotics, and a big box of tampons. Because you *always* buy a box of monthly supplies when you visit the pharmacy.

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I think we're missing a key piece of info (or I'm just dang curious). What was Betty's reaction to Kate not eating the muffin?

 

I think there's no way Kate is rude under these circumstances unless she pitched a fit in addition to not eating the muffin. Betty, however, is potentially rude on more than one count.

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