A month of bullying. Isn't that enough?

[WinsomeCreek]

I have my kids in public school this year for a number of reasons. I have had some serious health issues, dh and I have been renegotiating our expectations of each other, and our 2nd grader is 2e. The older kids are doing well in school. They're bored at times, but seem to be having fun. The school district has been wonderfully flexible with their academic needs, including granting high school access.

 

My 2nd grader is the victim of repeated bullying at his elementary school. He has been hit by the same kid repeatedly since school started. Two weeks ago we met with the school principal and were assured that they would keep an eye on things. The hitting had been an almost daily occurrence, but after a more serious blow we had four days without an assaut. Then the kid hit mine again last week. The worst part is that the hitting occurred on Friday and then on Monday the kid was made the STAR kid of the day, getting in front of the class to share about his life. Ds tells me his dad is a race car driver and the kid has so much more than he does. My ds has plummeted into an even more severe depression. He cannot learn or function. I am so distressed that we have worked with our own child to do the right things and the institution is sanctioning his further victimization, both physically and psychologically. Ds already struggles with anxiety and depression. I am at a loss as to how to help. He has been told not to fight back, which may be the wrong advice for dealing with this particular bully. The kid is huge, by far the largest in class and seems to be older as well. He has knocked the wind out of ds and punched him full on in the stomach. Ds is athletic, but small. Incidents are of the sort where the kid tries to make rules of games so that they are targeting ds unfairly, such as a different set of rules for just him. In one incident ds, who is fast, was about to tag the kid when the kid stopped and called pause saying ds couldn't tag him. In response to being tagged anyway, the kid punches mine. Each kid will have say 10 turns, and the bully tries to tell ds he only gets 1. The other kid cheats at games as well, which is probably why so far the rest of the kids haven't joined him against ds. There are less blatant issues of general meanness and exclusion as well. Ds has been rolling with the punches until last week. He patiently waited for the adults around to help like they said they would. Now he is feeling despondent and that he should never have listened to anyone. He feels that not only is the kid not having any consequences, but that he is being given attention and power by the adults. DS articulated this!!

 

The no brainer is that I pull him out to homeschool. DH is adamantly against this. He has pushed to have the kids in public school, feeling that they do not deal with 'the real world.' It is untrue. The older boys are geeky, musical, intellectual kids. Dh can relate to the younger, who is more aggressive and 'boy,' although I believe that the younger has molded himself to try to be what his dad wants him to be. Ds wants to homeschool, but he also wants to be surrounded by kids and action. 

 

We are currently giving most of our money to psychologists and psychiatrists. We get plenty of coping techniques and bandaids and books.  So far nobody else sees leaving the school as a possibility. There's this baffling mentality of sticking it out. 

 

This won't be an issue that causes divorce, but it sure will add tension if I pull him out and homeschool again. 

 

I don't even know what I'm asking. Would you pull the kid? Is this a situation that will get better? 

[Alicia64]

Yes, I'd pull my son in a heartbeat.

 

Just me: but I'd go to the local media and demonstrate that this zero tolerance nonsense isn't real. I know others on here won't agree w/ me, but I'd seriously talk to an attorney. That the school isn't protecting your son is absurd. Other kids are being abused too. I know my son wouldn't tell me if this were happening to him. I'd just have to guess or his twin might talk, but otherwise I wouldn't know.

 

I think the schools talk a good game about zero tolerance, but I don't think most of them really back it up.

 

I'd take the heat from my husband to protect my son. Absolutely.

 

Alley

[Ellie]

Yes, I'd pull my son in a heartbeat.

 

Just me: but I'd go to the local media and demonstrate that this zero tolerance nonsense isn't real. I know others on here won't agree w/ me, but I'd seriously talk to an attorney. That the school isn't protecting your son is absurd. Other kids are being abused too. I know my son wouldn't tell me if this were happening to him. I'd just have to guess or his twin might talk, but otherwise I wouldn't know.

 

I think the schools talk a good game about zero tolerance, but I don't think most of them really back it up.

 

I'd take the heat from my husband to protect my son. Absolutely.

 

Alley

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Openhearted]

I agree as well.

 

Our children depend on us to keep them safe, and he is not safe at this school. I would pull him out, and tell DH to get over it.

 

Maybe a different school environment will come up later that will be a better fit.

 

Hugs to you and your ds.

[maize]

Maybe share some articles about the long-term effects of bullying with your husband. It does not help kids learn to cope with the world.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/20/long-term-effects-of-bullying_n_2728190.html

 

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/the-long-term-effects-of-bullying/

 

http://www.latimes.com/science/la-sci-sn-bullying-worse-than-child-abuse-20150428-story.html

 

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/05/140512-bullying-health-depression-stress-science/

 

 

[Χά�ων]

Report the school to child services.

 

Can you contact the parents?

 

If there is ever a bruise take him to the ER.

 

Document document document

[Slache]

I would pull him. I agree with Alley on everything including the fact that other kids are victims as well.

 

I would also like to mention that your son sounds wonderful.

[sassenach]

I wouldn't pull him yet, but I would work like hell to get dh on my side. I would be in the principal's office every. Single. Day. I would document every incident, and all of your son's struggled. I would contact the superintendent. I would speak at school board meetings. I would be so busy advocating that I probably wouldn't be much of a wife.

 

I would try that first before pulling him against dh's will, because I don't think I could survive homeschooling with a bitter husband. It's not a long term solution.

 

I would also look into private schools.

[SarahW]

Even if you do pull him out, I would suggest looking into martial arts classes. Find one for kids that focuses on self-defense.

 

My son was in ninjitsu last year, and the teacher would play silly games like "If a dinosaur comes up to you in the park and whacks you, what do you do?" The kids had a series of physical and verbal defenses they were taught to use to make the "dinosaur" go away.

 

Just recently he got bullied at school by some older boys. He was sad and mad for a few days about it, but after that he started "standing his ground" and using his defenses, and the bullies suddenly got a lot less threatening. But he's older (nearly 9), if he had been any younger I wouldn't expect this to work.

 

I would say pull him out, and tell DH that you'll discuss putting him back in school after a year of martial arts and a year of maturity. It may do a world of good.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I would let the school know that you will be pressing criminal charges if your son is touched again.  Then, I'd do it.  Just because the hitting is happening on a playground doesn't mean it isn't assault.  

 

 

If that doesn't work, then yes, I'd pull him out.  

[Sahamamama]

Ds has been rolling with the punches until last week. He patiently waited for the adults around to help like they said they would.

 

As his mother, you have to be the adult who helps him, no matter what it costs you.

[momacacia]

What others have said. Document and consider seeing an attorney about a lawsuit against his supposedly "have so much more" parents for their child injuring yours. That way, his parents will conveniently come down on the kid since nobody else will. And I love the media idea.

[WinsomeCreek]

Maybe share some articles about the long-term effects of bullying with your husband. It does not help kids learn to cope with the world.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/20/long-term-effects-of-bullying_n_2728190.html

 

https://www.mentalhelp.net/articles/the-long-term-effects-of-bullying/

 

http://www.latimes.com/science/la-sci-sn-bullying-worse-than-child-abuse-20150428-story.html

 

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/05/140512-bullying-health-depression-stress-science/

 

This is the point I am making! Thank you for the articles. I will forward them to dh. Fortunately he likes evidence and an article in PNAS showing lasting stress response just may be helpful in swaying him. I don't buy the idea that enduring unnecessary hardships when the people you love fail to protect you somehow builds character. It leaves scars. 

 

I had my hair cut in the neighborhood yesterday. The stylist told me that another client of hers (same neighborhood, but don't know which school) has a daughter who was being bullied. The bully fractured the girl's nose and the bully had minimal consequences. The mom is an attorney. The stylist told me how frustrated the mom is that as an attorney she's not making headway. I left ready to pull ds out of school. Dh is against it. We ended last night compromising on having ds switched to a different classroom. I'm not convinced this will stop the targeting though, especially in an environment where adults are making excuses.

 

Ds is a remarkably sensitive and astute child. His nickname is Archimedes because he looks at the world with questions and inventions and awe. But he has significant struggles, is probably dyslexic and is diagnosed ADHD along with anxiety and depression. We worked all summer with him on appropriate responses. With the help of testing and therapy we started the school year feeling like we could go in a positive direction. He is now at such a dark and sad place that I woke up this morning wanting to cry for all of the pain he's living with. He was so excited about school this year. Actually, in most other ways the school has been great. FWIW this is a very high income, lots of power people area and I do not know the social machinations or players yet. Dh jostles with alpha males regularly at work, thus his viewpoint of this being the 'real world.'

 

Can I just say that I'm feeling like we've had more than our share of problems over the last few years. Most of it is due to sucky people behaving badly. I'm so sick of it! 

[desertflower]

I am so sorry to hear that!  :grouphug:

 

If it was my child, I would pull him out and put him in a martial arts class or like someone up thread said a self defense school.  This would serve two purposes.  One, obviously, self defense.  Two, he's in another public setting where he'll feel safe and know that bullies are not everywhere. 

 

I would tell dh that homeschooling is not long term.  I would also mention that our child can experience real world situations even at home.  One doesn't have to get beaten up to experience real life.  Keeping him there will only traumatize him. 

 

I would explain the situation to my child.  Pulling him out does not mean that you are giving up or avoiding the situation.  You have tried to fix it and the system is not working.  You are finding another solution. 

 

I hope you guys find a good plan.   :grouphug:  to your son. 

[desertflower]

This is the point I am making! Thank you for the articles. I will forward them to dh. Fortunately he likes evidence and an article in PNAS showing lasting stress response just may be helpful in swaying him. I don't buy the idea that enduring unnecessary hardships when the people you love fail to protect you somehow builds character. It leaves scars. 

 

I had my hair cut in the neighborhood yesterday. The stylist told me that another client of hers (same neighborhood, but don't know which school) has a daughter who was being bullied. The bully fractured the girl's nose and the bully had minimal consequences. The mom is an attorney. The stylist told me how frustrated the mom is that as an attorney she's not making headway. I left ready to pull ds out of school. Dh is against it. We ended last night compromising on having ds switched to a different classroom. I'm not convinced this will stop the targeting though, especially in an environment where adults are making excuses.

 

Ds is a remarkably sensitive and astute child. His nickname is Archimedes because he looks at the world with questions and inventions and awe. But he has significant struggles, is probably dyslexic and is diagnosed ADHD along with anxiety and depression. We worked all summer with him on appropriate responses. With the help of testing and therapy we started the school year feeling like we could go in a positive direction. He is now at such a dark and sad place that I woke up this morning wanting to cry for all of the pain he's living with. He was so excited about school this year. Actually, in most other ways the school has been great. FWIW this is a very high income, lots of power people area and I do not know the social machinations or players yet. Dh jostles with alpha males regularly at work, thus his viewpoint of this being the 'real world.'

 

Can I just say that I'm feeling like we've had more than our share of problems over the last few years. Most of it is due to sucky people behaving badly. I'm so sick of it! 

 

Yes, there are a lot of alpha males out there. 

 

In the real world, fight with knowledge not with hands.  So to speak.  But learning self defense is handy too.  ;) 

 

 

[WinsomeCreek]

We signed him up for martial arts after the second week of school, joking that he'd need it if the kid keeps it up.. :ninja: Classes start next week. I honestly am surprised at how this has escalated and been dealt with.

[MarkW]

Forgive me for intruding into a thread like this when I've only just gotten here, but as a big 6 foot dude who's about 250 pounds and has almost gotten a few teachers in my district fired over the last decade... in my opinion the "real world" is one where parents put their kids' safety first and their egos second.

No judgment meant to be implied towards you or your husband.

[LucyStoner]

Don't ask to have your child moved to another classroom. Ask/demand that the bully be moved to another classroom. That is who should have the consequence and if the school thinks you are serious about persuing charges, they may oblige you to avoid that. My younger brother was able to get my 8 year old niece's school to do that this year. The bully's family wasn't happy but my brother didn't want my niece to lose her teacher or friends because she was being targeted.

 

2e kids are common targets for bullies. Sticking it out is not wise if the school is tolerating the bullying behavior. This is partly WHY we homeschool at all. The damage from 1 year of bullying was very serious (my son didn't even let us know what was going on until 1/2 way through the year).

[Ellie]

Forgive me for intruding into a thread like this when I've only just gotten here, but as a big 6 foot dude who's about 250 pounds and has almost gotten a few teachers in my district fired over the last decade... in my opinion the "real world" is one where parents put their kids' safety first and their egos second.

No judgment meant to be implied towards you or your husband.

 

Your comments are welcome. :cheers2:

[Ellie]

Don't ask to have your child moved to another classroom. Ask/demand that the bully be moved to another classroom. That is who should have the consequence and if the school thinks you are serious about pursuing charges, they may oblige you to avoid that. My younger brother was able to get my 8 year old niece's school to do that this year. The bully's family wasn't happy but my brother didn't want my niece to lose her teacher or friends because she was being targeted.

 

2e kids are common targets for bullies. Sticking it out is not wise if the school is tolerating the bullying behavior. This is partly WHY we homeschool at all. The damage from 1 year of bullying was very serious (my son didn't even let us know what was going on until 1/2 way through the year).

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Farrar]

I think if you're going to leave him there, you have to go and be a thorn in their sides just nonstop. Document, consult a lawyer, follow all this wise advice.

 

I'd also say that if school is necessary you might consider looking at how you're allocating your funds for this child. I don't want to suggest that you not do therapy by any stretch, but perhaps there's a way to cut back so you can instead send him to a private school that might have compensatory services and just be a better fit for your ds and your family.

[fairfarmhand]

How often in the "real world" does your husband get punched in the stomach?

 

Then if he reports to his boss the boss goes "Oh. Too bad. Maybe we should move your desk away from the person who assaulted you?"

 

And the policeman goes "Um...well, his dad is somebody important so....."

[Slache]

Good point. As I often tell my mother in law, public school is not the real world. It's an artificial environment. And this one is not being maintained.

[maize]

Also, children are, you know, children. With immature brains. Dealing with other children with immature brains. The school yard is not in any way a mirror of the adult world.

 

 

[BooksandBoys]

In the real world, if someone hits you, you can call the police and file a restraining order. In school, you have no such protections. My kid would be out of there right this minute, regardless of circumstance. My oldest is a bully magnet (was picked on at the playground beginning at 12 months), and there is no way he would stay in that situation for another day.

[Paige]

I would let the school know that you will be pressing criminal charges if your son is touched again.  Then, I'd do it.  Just because the hitting is happening on a playground doesn't mean it isn't assault.  

 

 

If that doesn't work, then yes, I'd pull him out.  

 

:iagree: What would you or your DH or the principal do if someone hit them once? You all would probably file assault charges and certainly would never tolerate being hit repeatedly at work. 

[Valley Girl]

I realize the bully is also young, but I'd tell the school that if they will not take control of the situation and protect my kid (as they are responsible for doing) that my next call will be to the police to see about filing assault charges.

[MarkW]

A very large part of the reason that we're homeschooling at least a year earlier than we'd planned is that our daughter came home a couple of weeks ago with a 'red card' for pushing another student on the playground. At the bottom of the note the teacher had explained that she wasn't entirely sure that our daughter had pushed anyone but a recess monitor (parent volunteer) had witnessed it. Both students said nobody pushed anybody and they were playing tag, but "hands on is an automatic red."

 

Now, we're not the easily offended and belligerent sort who think our child can do no wrong. Maybe she did push someone. I signed the note but sent a follow up email asking the teacher to clarify the "hands on is an automatic red" policy as I wanted to be able to explain it to my 6 year old. It sounded absurdly broad. The teacher wrote back that she'd forward my concern to the principal. OK fine.

 

So, maybe two days later I pick my daughter up at school and I casually ask "So did the principal say anything to you about your red card on tuesday?" and her answer was "Yes she came to my class and had me come out in the hall with her so that she could tell me what to tell you and mommy and what not to tell you."

 

Uhh.. she never went back.

 

Not necessarily your situation, but to me, my first consideration is that I'm only hearing part of the story to begin with. Last year she frequently came home with scrapes and bruises that she said were the result of being tackled by boys on the playground who were never punished. We asked and were always assured that someone was watching. Yeah.

[ktgrok]

Would your DH keep working in an office where he was hit, punched and ostracized on a daily basis? Of course not! In the real world you do NOT stick in that kind of situation. 

[Farrar]

People keep bringing up the police. I'm generally against involving the police for school discipline issues - even when there's assault involved most of the time. I think it's one of the problems with how schools are run today. The bully is only seven (or maybe eight yo) too. I wouldn't have sent my kid at age 7 to the police if he hit his brother or friend. But, of course, I would have also had a much stronger reaction than the school. I agree that you should bring it up as a threat with the administration and if they don't do anything, you maybe should follow through and explore that possibility. It's so sad that they're relinquishing their responsibility here. I guess I'd hope the threat and the thorn in the side would be enough to make them act.

[Miss Tick]

I want to reemphasize the point about not letting them push your son to another class, the bully should be the one to move. Otherwise it fosters the perception in him and others that he is the one causing problems.

 

Actually do the foot work to find out what legal avenues are possible. Do that now so that if nothing changes, or it gets worse, you can speak intelligently and forcefully in the heat of the moment. The cynical side of me bets that you would get pushback from law enforcement, just like you are getting from the school.

 

Be totally the consistent, persistent, squeaky wheel.

[Valley Girl]

People keep bringing up the police. I'm generally against involving the police for school discipline issues - even when there's assault involved most of the time. I think it's one of the problems with how schools are run today. The bully is only seven (or maybe eight yo) too. I wouldn't have sent my kid at age 7 to the police if he hit his brother or friend. But, of course, I would have also had a much stronger reaction than the school. I agree that you should bring it up as a threat with the administration and if they don't do anything, you maybe should follow through and explore that possibility. It's so sad that they're relinquishing their responsibility here. I guess I'd hope the threat and the thorn in the side would be enough to make them act.

 

I agree. I don't really like the idea of involving the police even though I did suggest it and would not hesitate to do it. My hope would be that the threat would be enough for the administration to realize that the parent is deadly serious about the school needing to live up to its responsibilities. I'd also want them to be on notice that if they refused to act, I'd be perfectly prepared to remove the matter from their hands entirely.

[Ellie]

I want to reemphasize the point about not letting them push your son to another class, the bully should be the one to move. Otherwise it fosters the perception in him and others that he is the one causing problems.

 

Actually do the foot work to find out what legal avenues are possible. Do that now so that if nothing changes, or it gets worse, you can speak intelligently and forcefully in the heat of the moment. The cynical side of me bets that you would get pushback from law enforcement, just like you are getting from the school.

 

Be totally the consistent, persistent, squeaky wheel.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Above The Rowan]

I agree with so many other replies here.

 

But if it were me, I would pull my son from that school with no hesitation. The physical safety and emotional wellbeing of my children is a hill I would be willing to die on.

[Hobbes]

People keep bringing up the police. I'm generally against involving the police for school discipline issues - even when there's assault involved most of the time. I think it's one of the problems with how schools are run today. The bully is only seven (or maybe eight yo) too. I wouldn't have sent my kid at age 7 to the police if he hit his brother or friend. But, of course, I would have also had a much stronger reaction than the school. I agree that you should bring it up as a threat with the administration and if they don't do anything, you maybe should follow through and explore that possibility. It's so sad that they're relinquishing their responsibility here. I guess I'd hope the threat and the thorn in the side would be enough to make them act.

As the wife of a School Resource Officer (maybe the system is different in Canada), I agree - the school should be dealing with this. Unfortunately, they aren't and the many situations my husband deals with every day tell me that sometimes bullies and their families don't listen to anyone but police. If they don't listen to police, police have options to pursue.

 

It's not the ideal, as bullies are not the ideal, but police should be considered as a reasonable recourse if the appropriate authorities won't intervene. In no other 'real life' situation would we consider it appropriate to tolerate repeated assaults without appealing to law enforcement. That's the purpose of law enforcement - to protect people, including children.

[Slache]

It would also be nice if the bully learned his lesson now, rather than when he was 16. He might be a bully, but he's also just a little boy.

[mathnerd]

Go to the principal of the school and demand that your child be moved to another classroom ASAP due to child safety issues arising out of uncontrolled bullying. Though I agree that the bully is the one who should move, technically, to me, it is far easier and quicker to move my child than to request that another child be moved and then wait for proper procedures to be followed to move that kid (meeting with other kid's parents etc). After this step, see what you need to do next to deal with this situation. Also, while you are with the principal, tell him that you hold him accountable for the bullying that has gone on so far and that you will take "appropriate action".

 

In my area, the PS adminsitrators come down like a ton of bricks on complaints about bullying - even when the complaint is from one child against another without any parent involvement - there is an immediate 3 day suspension for any bullying and the child gets pulled out of a classroom for physical violence and reassigned to another classroom (for even shoving, let alone hitting) - this is for the 1st grade!

[Tsuga]

Tough call. On the one hand, documenting and bringing it to the police, with bruises--my kid is assaulted in school--would be the right thing to do if you had to keep him there. Document everything you can.

 

If the police don't care, then the next step, if he has to stay, is hit back. Like, with a big stick. It's called self-defense and it's legal everywhere but school. Apparently, at your kids' school, only assault is allowed. And I'd use those words with them.

 

I told my daughter to tell her class bully--far less violent than your child's bully--that he was full of ish (literally, that's what I told her to say). I also told her to tell the kid to "Bring it on, big boy!" and to get kids together and walk toward him. Never step back. Lean in. She used to get picked on a bit, but since she learned these tactics she seems to get targeted less. Her class bully cheats, he lies, and he teases.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting that it's your son's responsibility to do this; however, if he wishes to stay in school, this is how you deal with jerks when there is no rule of law. "Tell me more about how awesome your life is if it makes you feel better."

 

On the other hand, it sounds like the school sucks and if they aren't even dealing with physical violence, I'd ask my DH if he'd work in an environment like that, where people were HITTING him. I mean hell no. I don't put up with that and I wouldn't ask my kids to, either.

[Tsuga]

People keep bringing up the police. I'm generally against involving the police for school discipline issues - even when there's assault involved most of the time. I think it's one of the problems with how schools are run today. The bully is only seven (or maybe eight yo) too. I wouldn't have sent my kid at age 7 to the police if he hit his brother or friend. But, of course, I would have also had a much stronger reaction than the school. I agree that you should bring it up as a threat with the administration and if they don't do anything, you maybe should follow through and explore that possibility. It's so sad that they're relinquishing their responsibility here. I guess I'd hope the threat and the thorn in the side would be enough to make them act.

 

The police need to be sent on the principal and people responsible for the children, as a child protection issue. And it must be framed that way: You are unable to keep my child and this other child even moderately safe from themselves and others, and I'm calling CPS and the bruises are my evidence.

 

The police should not be called on a small child. While he is responsible for his actions, the school is responsible for helping him make good decisions, not law enforcement.

[fraidycat]

I agree with so many other replies here.

 

But if it were me, I would pull my son from that school with no hesitation. The physical safety and emotional wellbeing of my children is a hill I would be willing to die on.

:iagree:

 

And It is one I would be willing to sacrifice even my marriage for, if it came down to having to choose between my husband's ideals or my child's safety and wellbeing.

[fraidycat]

Oops. Phone editing mishap. Sorry.

[LaughingCat]

When my older DD was in my local school -- the "star" child of the week was done alphabetically through the list of children and each child got their turn to be the "star" child.      Also the parent was told that their child would be the "star" about a week ahead of time so they could create a 'poster' with the child (with pictures/drawings of their life/interests).    It was not related to good or bad behavior in any way -- and there was no way a child would be removed from being "star" due to bad behavior.

 

I don't say this to downplay the other events -- but just responding to your calling this "the worst part" as if it was a reward when it probably is not.  I would definitely be explaining to my DC  that 'it was just his turn' (and this would be very easy to clarify with the teacher if you believe it is different for your school -- but that seems extremely unlikely as I can't imagine many 2nd graders doing well telling all about their life on the spur of the moment )

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I think I'd feel caught between a rock and a hard place -- peace in the marriage, concern for my child. (Nobody should ever have to choose between these two.)

 

One way out of a dilemma like this is to swap roles and take the upper hand. Right now, you are the one supposed to make the case for pulling the child out. But status quo does not have to equal the default. The default is not, "Our children go to public school." The default should be, "We do the best for our child." Where, when, and how are variables.

 

I suggest you pull him out at once (because he needs to be safe YESTERDAY and his entire life is being affected by this unreasonable victimization) and put the onus on DH to make the case for returning him to school.

 

In other words, "DH, child can't wait for all these adult solutions on adult time. He needs to be defended, protected, and saved right now. He needs out of that school. If you want him to go back, please let me know when policies have been improved and the school is ready to prioritize his safety. I don't know what you'll need to do to bring that about, but child must be in a safe environment every day. That environment is home, until school is safe, too."

You might still have a horrible time with DH. But this is reasonable. Turn the tables. Gently, lovingly, firmly, bring him home.

[Tsuga]

 

 

In other words, "DH, child can't wait for all these adult solutions on adult time. He needs to be defended, protected, and saved right now. He needs out of that school. If you want him to go back, please let me know when policies have been improved and the school is ready to prioritize his safety. I don't know what you'll need to do to bring that about, but child must be in a safe environment every day. That environment is home, until school is safe, too."

 

You might still have a horrible time with DH. But this is reasonable. Turn the tables. Gently, lovingly, firmly, bring him home.

 

I wouldn't say it like that to my partner now or my ex-h. It just sounds like you want to protect from everything, which is not the case. OP has been willing to ask her kids to put up with a lot. Demanding that he be "saved right now" sounds hysterical (even if it's true).

 

The child is not going to be in a safe environment every day no matter what. He'll be in cars. Things happen. Kids fall off swings. I don't think "safe environment every day" is the kind of language that will get her DH to understand the urgency of the situation because it's impossible.

 

 

I would put this on adult terms. "If you were being attacked daily at work by someone who was 25% heavier than you, and HR said they'd deal with it but they didn't, and you tried to hit back and the guy pummeled you, would you feel like it was giving up to leave the workplace?"

 

"Would it be okay for you to hit me every day? What about just once a week?"

 

He's asking his son to put up with things that no adult would put up with, so what is the prep for? How is this toughening him up? For what? For when he needs to resolve work issues with fistfights? It's ridiculous.

 

I think the DH can be brought to see reason in this case, but it's not going to be by saying that the child must be safe at all times and he needs to be protected. It's probably that kind of language that has contributed to his (callous, IMO) dismissal of the issue.

[JadeOrchidSong]

We signed him up for martial arts after the second week of school, joking that he'd need it if the kid keeps it up.. :ninja: Classes start next week. I honestly am surprised at how this has escalated and been dealt with.

My boys hate team sports but love their martial arts class with a passion. Your ds is at the best age to start. Mine only started this past summer thanks to a groupon.

Hope you find the best solution for the bullying issue and homeschooling with dh's support.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I wouldn't say it like that to my partner now or my ex-h. It just sounds like you want to protect from everything, which is not the case. OP has been willing to ask her kids to put up with a lot. Demanding that he be "saved right now" sounds hysterical (even if it's true).

 

The child is not going to be in a safe environment every day no matter what. He'll be in cars. Things happen. Kids fall off swings. I don't think "safe environment every day" is the kind of language that will get her DH to understand the urgency of the situation because it's impossible.

 

 

I would put this on adult terms. "If you were being attacked daily at work by someone who was 25% heavier than you, and HR said they'd deal with it but they didn't, and you tried to hit back and the guy pummeled you, would you feel like it was giving up to leave the workplace?"

 

"Would it be okay for you to hit me every day? What about just once a week?"

 

He's asking his son to put up with things that no adult would put up with, so what is the prep for? How is this toughening him up? For what? For when he needs to resolve work issues with fistfights? It's ridiculous.

 

I think the DH can be brought to see reason in this case, but it's not going to be by saying that the child must be safe at all times and he needs to be protected. It's probably that kind of language that has contributed to his (callous, IMO) dismissal of the issue.

 

Well, if my husband needed me to spell out that I meant "safe from bullying" and "safe under adult supervision", as opposed to "never getting a hangnail," I wouldn't have the patience to speak to him. Ditto for if he needed help considering whether he'd be happy under the same circumstances as an adult.

 

I don't raise my husband, it's too late for that, but I will tell him where my line in the sand is, if I think my child isn't being taken care of.

 

People see things differently, of course.

 

[Caribbean Queen]

Well, if my husband needed me to spell out that I meant "safe from bullying" and "safe under adult supervision", as opposed to "never getting a hangnail," I wouldn't have the patience to speak to him.

Ha, I agree. But I do see Tsuga's point, too. My husband also wouldn't respond well to a dramatic speech about saving our child right now. He would be more persuaded by asking him to imagine getting punched in the stomach by some big guy every day at work.

[Tsuga]

Well, if my husband needed me to spell out that I meant "safe from bullying" and "safe under adult supervision", as opposed to "never getting a hangnail," I wouldn't have the patience to speak to him. Ditto for if he needed help considering whether he'd be happy under the same circumstances as an adult.

 

I don't raise my husband, it's too late for that, but I will tell him where my line in the sand is, if I think my child isn't being taken care of.

 

People see things differently, of course.

 

 

You're very lucky to have a husband who really understands what you mean all the time.

 

I'm either not nice enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough or not rich enough to get and keep such a sensitive, understanding partner, LOL. Maybe I need to up my game. You should teach me your tricks.

 

I sometimes have to explain what I am talking about in detail because we don't always see things the same way without talking through it.

 

I really didn't think I was making a huge sacrifice by doing that, or that he was being a jerk. I thought most men would have their own ways of approaching problems and thoughts and would like to be listened to and respected. Doesn't mean I have to give in, but I can't just say--it's this way or nothing, or I'm leaving.

 

I mean, I do have limits, but they are all really, really far beyond "he doesn't get what I'm saying".

 

Now, if the DH in this scenario does eventually say he thinks, after careful consideration, that repeated bruises are a good way for his son to learn, then I would reconsider my marriage. But my guess is, he's frustrated and needs time to really process the information, which is pretty traumatic, and the OP would do well to meet him where he is and approach the topic more gently.

[Slache]

I'm either not nice enough, not pretty enough, not sexy enough or not rich enough to get and keep such a sensitive, understanding partner, LOL.

I don't mean to sound rude, but you do slightly resemble a tree. Also, I agree with and appreciate everything you've said.

[Tsuga]

OMG. I'm laughing here. This summer, sorry OP, to go off track, but my partner actually took a picture of me in which my thighs were framed to be the same girth as a giant sequoia. Maybe that's why I can't just tell him what for and have him nodding "yes dear". Tree-trunk thighs. I need to cool it on the squats!

 

The point is not how we talk to our husbands, though... I mean that's a strategic issue and it's important. The real question is whether or not the kid is willing to wait for mom to put in place some serious solutions to the issue which involve forcing (legally forcing) the administration to fulfill their roles of running an educational institution for children in which nobody is repeatedly assaulted. Also, whether OP's family is willing to ask their son to really stand up to this kid and face the consequences (from what I hear, it's often the bullied who gets expelled). I know the other boy is bigger and will cry the moment he gets hit, but are you willing to have your son throw a punch? Get expelled for it? If so, that could stop things pretty quick.

 

If my child were getting hit daily and the administration claimed that they had done what was possible, I absolutely would encourage them to hit back--hard.

 

I might even go down there as a playground volunteer and go all Louis CK Hulksmashing Jizanthapus on the kid. No, I wouldn't. But I would call him out. 

 

EDIT: SO SORRY I DID NOT MEAN TO EMBED THAT!!!!! Language, all kinds of horrible things in this video. But funny.

 

(I forgot how bad that video was. So sorry. I mean some of us will appreciate this but many will not.)

 

 

 

You have the opportunity to homeschool if it all goes sour, so this could be kind of fun (if only your poor boy were not getting bullied).