Jump to content

Menu

Adversity: Does it bring out the worst in people or reveal their true character?


fairfarmhand
 Share

Recommended Posts

I've been thinking about this. I know someone who is going through a really rough patch. This person would not consider themselves a "bad" person, although they have very poor self awareness. As the adversity has intensified, this person is treating others horribly on a regular basis. They save this treatment for family members. They do not acknowledge their poor behavior or apologize for it.

 

I understand that stress can bring out the worst in people. I've had bad days and I know when I'm being unfair and I try to make amends when I can.

 

However, I've also heard it said that adversity shows you who you really are.

 

So which is it?

 

Or maybe it can be a little of both.

 

Discuss....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Neither? I think we choose to some extent the way we handle with stressful situations. I consciously have chosen not to become bitter about the hardships life has dealt me so far.  Others allow bitterness to creep into their hearts and then they feed it with their thoughts and actions.  That said, we all come to hardship with different skill-sets, awareness, experiences, and beliefs. 

 

One of the upheaval moments in my life came when my MIL began to treat me badly when my own daughter was dying of cancer.  With some emotional and physical distance from her I realized that she was mostly just handling grief extremely badly. It was still extremely sucky to live through, and her actions over the years have completely fractured all of the family relationships around her.  Keep your own boundaries up. I tend to call people on their ****, um, behavior.

 

(((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think adversity is primarily a character revealer. Handling stress poorly is one thing, but turning around and lashing out at others or being an angry, spiteful person is a big issue and it doesn't just pop up when the pressure cooker goes on.

 

The good thing about revealing character is that you can't work on a problem if you don't know it exists. I wasn't an angry, impatient, or selfish person until I had kids - that is to say, I was able to hold onto a nice social veneer until I was too tired and too overworked to handle it anymore, and then I had to deal with the underlying thoughts, attitudes, and responses and work with them to change. I had to adapt, find healthier coping mechanisms, and work out ways to get enough rest to function.

 

In that sense, adversity is as character building as it is revealing, if one is self aware enough to allow it to be. One bad set of responses does not a lifetime make :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some people don't handle stress well, but that doesn't mean they aren't good people underneath.  Just like some people cry more easily than others.  People deal with stuff on the surface in the short run, and then it slowly transforms them in the long run - for better or worse.

 

Of course this guy could be a creep or possibly a loon.  But his close family/friends probably would have figured that out by now, I would think.

 

A close person comes to mind whose outward reactions to stress are problematic to say the least.  However, I would trust (and have trusted) this person with my kids' lives, to the end of the earth and back.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lots of people think that if you're stressed, that is a good excuse to be rude or impatient or whatever.

 

I grew up with parents like this.  "You make me so mad!" was pretty much an excuse for anything.  Yelling was not uncommon at school or among friends, so I really thought this was reasonable.

 

I never questioned this until I entered the workforce.  I noticed after just a few weeks that by and large people didn't yell at each other even when they were mad.  This was a surprise to me, so I made an effort, but not always.

 

Then about 5 years after I graduated from college I took a class that involved some self-awareness work, and a set of questions was prefaced by: "What would your colleagues say you are like when you're under a tight deadline?"  It made me realize that even though by and large I didn't yell anymore, I was treating people very differently when I was under pressure than when I wasn't, and that I thought that was OK.  So I changed.

 

I'm not perfect, but I take responsibility for my reactions now, something that I had to learn the necessity of as an adult, ironically enough.

 

I think that character is revealed in how you behave under pressure--I have always thought that--but ALSO in how you treat others when you're under pressure--something that I had to learn.  And sometimes it's not so much character that is revealed but rather level of kindness, which is slightly different but closely related.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Both.  Depends on the person.

 

Aside from that, there are different levels and different kinds of adversity. How bad does the adversity have to get before it would "reveal someone's true character"? Someone might seem to react well to 'mild' adversity, or 'moderate' adversity, but react badly to adversity of biblical proportions (think Job, though I don't remember that story very well and iirc he reacted well no matter how bad things got, but realistically, most people would have a breaking point somewhere, I think). Some people might react well to financial adversity but badly to health-related adversity, or vice versa. And for some, adversity might bring out the best in them (they might be more charitable when they are poor than when they were rich, possibly because they have more empathy after experiencing poverty). So, is the stingy rich person who becomes a charitable poor person revealing his "true" character? I don't think so.

 

I don't think people necessarily have a "true character" anyway. I'm a different person now than I was a year (or a decade, or w/e) ago, and I'll be a different person a year (or a decade) from now. Maybe the differences will be fairly small, maybe they'll be larger, who knows... I'm not even sure it matters. All you can do is try to handle each situation as well as possible, and hope to look back on our lives in the end and feel good about how we acted. It may be easier to be on your best behavior when you're not facing adversity, but then and again, while I'm on biblical stuff, there's also the thing about a rich man getting into heaven being harder than a camel fitting through the eye of a needle or something.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The problem with stress reactions is that you often don't have time to contemplate how you should moderate your voice etc.  Some people have a lot of trouble with this.  Others don't.

 

Personally, I may fuss over relatively minor irritations, such as being late (for no good reason) *again.*  I will briefly rant and then cool myself down.  When something really big happens, I quietly take stock and make a plan.  At those times I will appear to be the most calm and saintly person alive, LOL.  It's not because I'm a great person, it's just the way I naturally handle big stress.

 

Other people shut down, or run away, or look for someone else to dump it on.  I have a good friend who gets pretty obnoxious when bad stuff happens.  Says and does stuff that is really unacceptable, and doesn't apologize.  But it doesn't change who that person is underneath.  And so it doesn't affect our friendship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would say that you behavior, averaged across time, is who you really are. You are neither your best nor your worst moment, and part of who you are is how you react to those best and worst moments later on.

:iagree: 

I certainly hope that my character is not judged by who I am on my worst day - like being harsh to a store clerk right after I had to order a doctor to stop doing painful tests on my mom and call in hospice ... or snapping at the buttinsky who told me I should take my screaming toddler outside and spank him when I was dealing with a 2 hour tantrum in a special needs kid and we really had to get groceries for lunch or I was going to pass out. 

 

I try to extend grace to people who may not be behaving their best because I really don't know what burdens they were carrying that day.  I've seen the rude customer go out to her car and sob for 10 minutes before she could drive away.  I've been that person.  I try to apologize when I can for losing my cool.  We never know if some small irritation blown out of proportion is the straw that broke the camel's back.  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've told my kids that nobody gets a free pass to be unkind or rude, no matter how bad of a time they are having. It takes just as much energy to be kind and polite as it does to be angry and mean.

 

 

The latter really doesn't.  :laugh: And I think the former is a very uncompassionate perspective.

 

 

I agree with a pp who said people are multifaceted. 

 

I've had enough adversity to wonder how anyone can think someone in the thick of it *should* be able to transcend humanity and not show symptoms of stress. I've also had enough adversity to know that sometimes a demonstration of good character by a person in trauma is actually a symptom of really unhealthy thinking.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The problem with stress reactions is that you often don't have time to contemplate how you should moderate your voice etc. Some people have a lot of trouble with this. Others don't.

 

Personally, I may fuss over relatively minor irritations, such as being late (for no good reason) *again.* I will briefly rant and then cool myself down. When something really big happens, I quietly take stock and make a plan. At those times I will appear to be the most calm and saintly person alive, LOL. It's not because I'm a great person, it's just the way I naturally handle big stress.

 

Other people shut down, or run away, or look for someone else to dump it on. I have a good friend who gets pretty obnoxious when bad stuff happens. Says and does stuff that is really unacceptable, and doesn't apologize. But it doesn't change who that person is underneath. And so it doesn't affect our friendship.

I'm actually the same. I'll flip out over my kids dumping a bowl on the floor or someone putting me on hold for ten minutes and forgetting about me, but when someone is severely injured, the power is shot for days and we are snowed in, someone is dead, or some other disaster I'm very level headed and calm. I handle those very well, it's the small things that drive me up the wall and I used to cope with poorly. I do worse and better, depending on how I'm feeling. Today was a pretty crappy day for those, but has improved throughout the afternoon, for example. Learning from mistakes is key.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Both, neither, yes. People have breaking points at which any little thing can be a reason to respond "incorrectly."  

 

Lashing out at others can be a reflection of their stress, their personality, their own demons. It's hard to see a person in that stage of adversity, and I don't think anyone is free of the consequences. I'll leave my personal story out, but that is one of the reasons I'm now divorced. We were in the bottom of the barrel and ex's response did not go without consequences. He is not a horrible, bad, no good person. He just became the person I didn't want to be married to any longer. Huge consequence for him, and I'm sure my situation is not unique. 

 

Through that part of MY adversity, I think I'm just who I've always been. But adversity leaves scars and those can affect a person and their view. I have scars. I may respond differently. I don't get a free ride to be an a$$ just because my life has been difficult in the last few years. I can even have empathy for my ex because he could have chosen a different response to our situation. 

 

 

 

Adversity did not show my true colors, adversity just added a little extra flavor to the story of my life. I wouldn't wish parts of it on anyone. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it's both.  adversity can rip off the mask/veneer and show what is underneath. I think a person who is willing to be introspective during a period of adversity, can have their rough edges polished and smooth. asking ourselves "what can I learn from this to help me be a better person" vs. a "why me?" (whine) is far more productive.  it's never a license to be rude.  it does require self-awareness. it requires maturity and perspective.  sad to say, some people never learn that.  (I've known a few.)

 

I think of something my fil said as he was dying of cancer (he'd survived the bataan death march and the hell ships).  the nurse came in and asked him why he was always in a good mood?   "why do it the hard way".  

as a pow - he saw those who held onto bad attitudes weren't as likely to survive.  even though he knew he was going to die, he could still chose to have a good attitude.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The latter really doesn't.  :laugh: And I think the former is a very uncompassionate perspective.

 

 

.

 

Perhaps. But sometimes people justify poor treatment of others by whatever they are going through. Whatever you're dealing with, hurting others still hurts them.

 

 

ETA: It's not just me. It's my kids too. And that's what makes me get a little Mama Bear about the whole thing.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I think is that yes, people can be angry. They can scream and yell and rant and rave. That's fine.

 

However, when you direct your meanness to others (innocents who have nothing to do with the situation) is when you have gone too far. That's when it needs to stop.

 

I don't mean that we should all have angelic faces and serenity in all circumstances. I don't believe that's healthy either.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

But I don't require people to demonstrate sainthood at their worst times.

 

I think this is the ticket.

 

Hold yourself to a high standard but give others loads of grace. And when you fall short of your high standard, go as easy on yourself as you are in the habit of "going on" others.

 

In addition to there being all kinds of adversity and different personal things at play, dynamics between people can dictate how they behave with one another.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I think is that yes, people can be angry. They can scream and yell and rant and rave. That's fine.

 

However, when you direct your meanness to others (innocents who have nothing to do with the situation) is when you have gone too far. That's when it needs to stop.

 

I don't mean that we should all have angelic faces and serenity in all circumstances. I don't believe that's healthy either.

 

Oh it should have been addressed before you become someone who habitually directs meanness toward innocent people.

 

I feel like there are two different questions here, and I'm sure that's me just reading the OP wrong and not actually the OP. 1--What is the role of adversity in character formation? ...."it depends" and 2--At what point does it not matter what someone has been through...at what point do they need to correct their terrible response to stress/adversity?... "When they hurt me/mine"  and "ASAP!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 2--At what point does it not matter what someone has been through...at what point do they need to correct their terrible response to stress/adversity?... "When they hurt me/mine"  and "ASAP!"

 

More interesting might be when it *does* matter what someone has been through and you (the general you) think a person deserves a bit of grace and the onus is on you (the victim of the wigging out) to suck it up a bit.

 

Personally, I'm never going to deliver a sermon, even mentally, to a frantically sleep deprived woman in a supermarket with a screaming toddler being short and sharp with anyone. Btdt, Sister.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

More interesting might be when it *does* matter what someone has been through and you (the general you) think a person deserves a bit of grace and the onus is on you (the victim of the wigging out) to suck it up a bit.

 

Personally, I'm never going to deliver a sermon, even mentally, to a frantically sleep deprived woman in a supermarket with a screaming toddler being short and sharp with anyone. Btdt, Sister.

Good observation. Unless we know the specifics I think erring on the side of assuming the best of someone or helping them out is better. Sometimes we have to avoid emotional vampires, but that's really a case by case basis.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

More interesting might be when it *does* matter what someone has been through and you (the general you) think a person deserves a bit of grace and the onus is on you (the victim of the wigging out) to suck it up a bit.

 

Personally, I'm never going to deliver a sermon, even mentally, to a frantically sleep deprived woman in a supermarket with a screaming toddler being short and sharp with anyone. Btdt, Sister.

 

My mind always goes to much more terrible things than some side-eye at the grocery. I am talking about something different than I think others in this thread are talking about, so I'll leave y'all to it.

 

Oh but first, I'd say a person's gotta know herself. Know what's important and have good boundaries. ONLY get upset outwardly when people actually cross them. A tough past doesn't mean people get to treat you like dirt.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My mind always goes to much more terrible things than some side-eye at the grocery. I am talking about something different than I think others in this thread are talking about, so I'll leave y'all to it.

 

 

As you know, my mind can go to worse places than being sharp with a cashier. I am objecting to the one size fits all perspective. Some pain is too much to control in all sociably accepted ways.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

More interesting might be when it *does* matter what someone has been through and you (the general you) think a person deserves a bit of grace and the onus is on you (the victim of the wigging out) to suck it up a bit.

 

Personally, I'm never going to deliver a sermon, even mentally, to a frantically sleep deprived woman in a supermarket with a screaming toddler being short and sharp with anyone. Btdt, Sister.

 

Me NEITHER!

 

 

I think what I am thinking of are people who are plain nasty to others. My thoughts are quite beyond someone being "short or sharp" with another person. Short and sharp are different from someone verbally ripping another to shreds.

 

There are kneejerk, automatic responses, just the instant rudeness that pops out of all of us when we are stressed.

 

And then there is ongoing hatefulness directed at others.

 

I do give lots of grace to those who have the kneejerk responses. But the mean nasty stuff....that seems to reveal something deeper.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 But the mean nasty stuff....that seems to reveal something deeper.

 

 

Yeah well, you look at some people and think "Maybe I'd be a horror too if I woke up every day to find I was still you."   :tongue_smilie:

 

 

My brother thought I was a naturally techy shmuck until I got divorced. I *am* a tetchy shmuck under pressure. There was something deeper. It was a decade long unidentified DV relationship.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Adversity is very draining, cognitively as well as emotionally and physically. If someone is truly going through a very hard time, they will actually have less will power to draw upon than those of us who aren't. 

 

Honestly, i think those who aren't should extend every grace to those who are, whilst still preserving personal boundaries. It doesn't mean you have to meekly accept having strips torn off you - it does mean you shouldn't label that person as showing his or her 'true colours'. 

 

If someone is falling apart in that way, they probably need more support, not less.

 

 

How someone responds to a person they *know* is in a difficult situation DOES say a lot about them . . . one I can smh and almost laugh about - I will always remember the day when dh had been unemployed for 18 MONTHS and a woman we know called - immediately asked if he was working, and then said "oh, good.  you're not busy and can come chaperone an out of town youth group for a week, and your dh can babysit."  . . . :confused1:   :blink:  :ohmy:   . . . I think it said a lot about how far I'd come that I didn't rip her head off.

 

she's not mean and nasty, just utterly, utterly clueless.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Life isn't a movie, and people don't become heroes or villains when faced with a difficult situation. Adversity isn't generally a one day thing, either. It usually lasts a while, and most people are going to have ups and downs through that period of time. When we went through an extremely stressful and difficult time a few years back, I certainly had days where I was cranky and impossible to live with, and days where I was calm and patient and did everything right. Which of those is my "true character"? 

 

The idea that a person has some kind of underlying character that sums up their value as a human being is something I don't agree with. No one is completely good or completely evil. We all have days we rock and days we'd really like a do-over. That's life.

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another thought on the topic: some people grew up in lots of adversity, with nobody teaching them right from wrong, nor how to control themselves. If someone grew up in a terrible situation, with terrible role models, then did that create their "true character"? I'm not saying that they can then hurt others for the rests of their lives, but someone who grew up like that and is trying to improve and struggles might have a better character (imo) than someone who grew up with little adversity and great role models who behaves pretty well most of the time but doesn't make any effort to behave well (though that person's behavior might or might not deteriorate rapidly if thrown into adversity, I guess).

 

For a more concrete example, suppose someone grew up being abused and watching their parent abuse their other parent (or both abusing each other). If that person gets married and (under stress) slips up and hits the spouse, but then immediately seeks out help to learn to not be abusive, is that person's character worse than a person who grew up with great parents who doesn't have to unlearn all those bad lessons learned in childhood?

 

I'm thinking maybe they have a worse character, but they're not a worse person (because they're trying)? Is there a difference between having a bad character and being a bad person?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for all the good discussion.

 

I think what I've decided is that selfish jerky people often become more selfish and jerky when they're under pressure. Sometimes the pressure makes them reform. Sometimes not.

 

Sometimes nice people become selfish and jerky under pressure. Sometimes they apologize, sometimes not. 

 

I think it can go either way.

 

I think I'd agree with the person who said that the average over time would be what someone's true character is.

 

I don't believe that a person's value is wrapped up in their character. We are all equally valuable. However, that doesn't mean I want to go have coffee with any particular person either.

 

But yes, I think that human behavior is too complex to make a firm statement either way.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We are all equally valuable. However, that doesn't mean I want to go have coffee with any particular person either.

 

 

 

Haha. I like how you put that. Yes, some people are just the pits and that's a fact.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for all the good discussion.

 

I think what I've decided is that selfish jerky people often become more selfish and jerky when they're under pressure. Sometimes the pressure makes them reform. Sometimes not.

 

Sometimes nice people become selfish and jerky under pressure. Sometimes they apologize, sometimes not. 

 

I think it can go either way.

 

I think I'd agree with the person who said that the average over time would be what someone's true character is.

 

I don't believe that a person's value is wrapped up in their character. We are all equally valuable. However, that doesn't mean I want to go have coffee with any particular person either.

 

But yes, I think that human behavior is too complex to make a firm statement either way.

 

 

I think this is very true.  

 

I don't generally hold the view that adversity reveals a person's character.  Adversity reveals one's coping skills.  My coping skills are certainly more refined than they were 15 years ago. :)  I remember so clearly verbally ripping a mechanic who had the gall to ask after my first miscarriage, "What would make you 2 days late on your inspection sticker?  I'm going to  have to charge you more."  I was not kind.  :D  

 

In the case of a horrible experience with a former friend, I can tell you that jerkiness was always there... it crept out in demeaning jabs at me or others, envy, and manipulation, even in the happiest of times.  Those things didn't jive with the wonderful parts of this person's personality that drew me to her, and I so desperately wanted to label those negatives as my own misunderstanding.  

 

In that case, an adversity did eventually create a situation which was so awful that it forced me to drop the Pollyanna shades, and see this person as a sum of her actions.  Character isn't even the right word to describe how this person suffers, nor is it an adequate explanation for the slew of broken relationships.  But regardless of what it's called, the sum of those actions did lead me out of that friendship.  Adversity simply served as the wake-up.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...